Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - You Wreck Me - full transcript

"You Wreck Me"

Oh.
Check out these poseurs.

"Dude, how much
do you love my Greco-

"and super-groomed sideburns?
I call them my douche-burns."

"Did you see
my giant leather man-bracelet?

"I got it because
my vest with no shirt

"just needed a little somethin'.
And let's high-five.

Yeah! We did it!"

Okay, it's 6:00.
I'm heading home.

No, wait. You can't quit.
I said the last mean thing.

You always do this! That's why
I don't play Ugly Baby with you anymore.



Now I'm just gonna spiral all day
because I'm a horrible person.

Well, that's your insane cross
to bear. Come on. Let's go.

Oh, so much work
to do at home.

Oh, we have an early showing
tomorrow, so pick me up at 8:00,

not 8-ish, not 8djacent.

And calling me at 8:00
from 20 minutes away

saying, "Come out. I'm here"
also doesn't count.

You have a lot of rules.

Hi.
I'm really, really sorry.

I'm not comfortable telling you why,
but I just need to put it out there, okay?

And that's a great bracelet,
by the way. Bye.

Don't look at me.
That was your fault.

I know you like moving those hips, Sheila,
so put that torque in your swing, okay?

See you next week.



Since you're sleeping with her,
does she pay you more?

- No.
- Oh, don't get down.

- She probably bought you lunch or something, right?
- Got me a large root beer, baby.

Well, there you go.
Where's Travis?

He's in the clubhouse with the boys:
Shepp, Donnie, Bitch-Slap Harris.

T-Man, your ride's here.

Hey, Mom, look. Look what Donnie
drew. He's a tattoo artist.

He mostly draws snakes doing
horrible things to naked chicks.

- Although, this-- this looks consensual.
- She doesn't look happy, Travis.

Good to see you, Donnie,
Shepp, Carl.

Jules, you know you can
call me Bitch-Slap.

I'm choosing not to.

Travis, I just wanna talk
to your dad for a second.

Oh, man.

Uh-oh, she's got
the fake smile face.

What fake smile? This isn't
a fake smile. I'm just happy.

All right, Cobb,
here's the deal.

I know. You think the fellas
are a bad influence on Travis.

But it turns out,
he's a good influence on them.

Normally,
they're drunk by now.

Bobby, what are you doing
wasting your time in there?

You were a pro golfer...
sort of.

Your lessons
are starting to pick up.

Free root beers
are rolling in.

If you just worked hard,
you could go from being the guy

that works part-time
at a public course

to the head pro
at the country club.

This is my kingdom, J-Bird.

- I mean, look at this plaque over here.
- Oh, God, not the plaque.

- Can we just once not talk about the plaque?
- They put this up when I shot the course record.

And we're off.

Robert "Bobby" Cobb. People see this,
Jules, and they respect it.

- Hey, champ!
- Excuse me.

What can I do you for, bud?

Good boy, champ. Good boy, champ.
Such a good champ.

It sucks you're so tired.
Why do you work so hard?

- I really wanna see you tonight.
- Me, too.

So... what are you wearing?

I'm in bed, Josh,
so the usual.

I've got on a tiny pink
see-through nightie.

I'm wearing mahing underwear
with tiny bows on the side.

One tug makes them fall...
right... off.

I could be there
in five minutes.

Oh, sweetie,
I'm just too tired.

I'm sorry. Good night.

What happened with the boy toy
last night?

Oh, I knew I had to work early
so I blew him off,

which was so dumb,
because I stayed up till 1:00

watching this infomercial
about this cream

that makes your breasts firmer.
Don't worry. I got one, too.

Thanks, but I got up early
'cause I thought

- I was gonna get a sex story.
- No.

No more blowing off fun stuff
for work. That's insane.

Oh, and I swear, if you don't
stop with the hazelnut,

- I'm gonna start making my own coffee.
- No, you won't.

- You're right. I won't. Even saying it was too much work.
- 8:00. Where is Laurie?

Well, if I'm guessing,
she's passed out under some loser

who's naked except
for his hat on backwards.

Charming. Hey, Laurie,
it's 8:00. Where are you?

I'm pulling up.
Come outside.

Okay, I'm outside.
You're not here.

I am. You just can't see me.

Give me two minutes.

Hey, paper bud,
do you golf?

Oh, good. We're playing
the obvious question game.

I'm great at this.
Do you ever wear white dresses?

Seriously, do you golf
with other guys?

Do you ever carry folders
right here?

Hi.

You know, don't say "hi" to me.
I'm mad at you.

Look, I think it would be good for
my ex-husband to make some new friends,

and I think it would be good
for you to, well, have a friend.

No, no, no radio.

I don't care what you do,
Laurie! You're being punished!

Anyway, you and Bobby
should play golf.

Oh, well, I'm currently not looking
to get set up on a playdate.

All right, normally,
I'd listen to your blah-blah,

but right now I have to go show
a use. So here's the deal.

Bobby's a good guy. You can
either play golf with him now

or you can play with him three weeks
from now after I've spent all this time

coming over here just grinding you down
and by talking and talking and talking.

And you wonder if I'll ever need
to take a breath, but I won't,

'cause I was a swimmer in high school
and I'll just talk and talk...

Fine.

- Thank God. I thought I was gonna pass out.
- Now you're making us late.

- Are you driving in your panties?
- I was air-drying my skirt, and it got away frome.

You made me rush.

Oh dear Lord!

- Yes! I got it! I got it!
- That was awesome!

You don't get to celebrate.
I'm still mad.

- All right, I'm over it.
- Did you see that?

Of course, Laurie was late again.
She's a slaggy, dumb-ass townie.

You are
a very angry person.

- You chose to be here.
- Stop it.

I wanted to see the outfit I got
her for her first open house.

Oh, my God. You look amazing.
Really, I am so proud of you.

Stop.
Don't make me cry.

So dummy screws up again
and she gets rewarded?

Ellie, I've been so busy
working,

I'm too tired
to even see Josh.

So Laurie's gonna take over
some of my workload.

You were the one who said
make more time for fun.

Aw, thanks for my promotion,
Ellie. So sweet of you.

All right, do me a favor.
Give us a jump.

Okay. Clearly,
the bra's not working.

You're selling real estate. You want
a little jiggle for the husband, sure,

but you don't want too much
for the wife.

I could duct-tape these bad boys,
and there'd still be too much jiggle.

Stupid hazelnut.

Oh, there you go.
Here, problem solved.

- You're mean.
- I'll get over it.

Okay, here's the kind of bra
you're looking for.

See? Pow!
Check out the support.

- Oh, hey, Trav.
- Shirt down, then "hey, Trav."

Sorry. Hey, Trav.

Too late.
Scarred for life.

Oh, calm down.
These used to feed you.

Okay, I'm gonna go change.

I feel creepy
with my knees covered.

What are you doing?
She's the world's worst assistant.

No, she's not. She just needs
someone to believe in her.

She's probably bored
answering phones.

She's like those kids
in school that--

that get F's because
they're just not challenged.

Sometimes kids get F's
because they're stupid.

- Stop doing that.
- Stop talking.

- What--
- No, nope.

There he is--
Grayson, the son of Gray.

Mind if I call you "G-Man"?

I do, very much.

Brr. No, I get it.
We hardly know each other,

but that's the beautiful thing
about golf, G-Man.

You can swing sticks
with just about anybody.

I once golfed with this dude
who got out of the hospital

with a fractured skull,
and he had one of those

giant metal halo-looking things
screwed to his head.

I kid you not. That thing
must have weighed 40 pounds.

He collapsed on the third green.
Hot day. Very hot day.

So you and Jules
both like to chat.

Boo-yah! Hat thing's not coming down for a while
if you wanna go catch a movie or somethin'

sweet shot, stud.
I'll go spot it!

What the hell was that?

Oh, Andy don't golf. He just
comes out here to cheer me on

and, um, beverage me
and whatnot.

Just keeps getting better.

Now staging an open house
is all about making it feel comfortable.

Little tip: You can never have
too many bowls of wooden fit.

- Why does that work?
- Nobody knows. It just does.

Okay, I'm gonna put this bowl
right here.

Jules, go! Have fun with Josh.
I can do this.

Of course you can.
Now bye, sweetie.

- Not there!
- Go!

You look just as amazing
as I've imagined...

every single night.

Oh, God. That was so sexy,
I made a weird noise.

Oh, it's so good
to see you.

What's with
the grandma hand-pat?

I'm just not big
on PDA.

I feel like you're embarrassed
by me or something.

No! Josh,
this is my crazy.

What can I do
to make it better?

Kiss me, right here
in front of God and everyone.

I'm not gonna kiss
in front of God.

- What do you think?
- Give me a sec.

- What do I think?
- You think you're a grown woman,

and you can kiss
whoever you wanna kiss.

I'll tell you what you think,
Jules.

Tongue that boy down.
He's hot!

- That is another very valid point.
- Nezzie, get off the sofa.

- You're getting body glitter on the pillows.
- Ignoring that. How's it coming?

I think I'm done.

You know what I do
when I think I'm done?

- Leave?
- No.

I sit there for another hour
and I just soak up the vibe.

Sometimes you come up with a special touch
that just takes it to the next level.

Vibe-soaking,
special touch. Got it.

Come on. Dale's barbecue
started over an hour ago.

- Don't you wanna go?
- Of course I do.

Okay, do you remember Chrissy,
that skank Dale hooked up with,

like, four years ago
when we were broken up?

Well, she's back
from Afghanistan,

and I'm gonna kick her ass
in front of everyone.

That's why I got
my fightin' nails on.

Never forget, Nezzie.
You never forget.

Uhh! Let's hit it.

You remind me
of the Statue of David.

He's nude.

Barb! What the hell
are you doing?

Oh, kitten, don't you know you should
never leave your luggage unattended?

All right,
keep it moving.

- Okay, let's both just try to shake that off.
- I can't.

All right,
the public kiss.

I've been doing
some soul searching,

- and I am in.
- Great.

But first, can we talk
about the way you kiss?

Say what now?

You open the door by bringing up
the kissing, and well,

honestly, I've been trying to work my way
into that conversation for days.

Huh. Good.

You are fantastic on the neck.
Seriously, kudos.

However...

all right.

Pretend this is my mouth, okay?
You wanna use less tongue.

You're not a cow
at a salt lick.

You know, that's just so sloppy.
No one wants that.

Now pretend that you're
a curious little garden snake.

I got this. I got this.
Okay.

Okay. And your tongue peeks in...
gets spooked and then it's out. That's it.

Okay, now work that tongue.
No, no, no, no. No cow.

Little garden snake.
Little snake.

Work it.
Oh, there you go. Okay.

Hi, mom.

Hi, Travis! My goodness,
this is my friend Josh.

- He eats weird.
- He does.

Anyway, just saw you,
wanted to say hi.

Uh, but now I don't.
Didn't mean to interrupt.

What? Interrupt what?
Travis?

Bye, Mom. Good luck
with that apple, Josh.

Ka-boom! Oh, Ellie hates it
when I hang with Bobby,

so do me a solid and don't mention this
next time you talk to her.

The only time I ever spoke to your wife,
she told me she'd--and I quote--

pay someone to do me
prison style

if I didn't bring
my trash cans in.

- So we're cool.
- I am.

You're married
to a scary person.

Whoa, something's hinky
with your swing.

- What are you doing?
- I'm making magic, trust me.

Man, you smell nice.
Kidding.

All right. Use that stance.

Thanks, man. You gonna go
spot my shot?

I'm not your bitch.

And regrouped.
Okay, let's do this.

- Seriously?
- Just close your eyes.

All right, just a little snake.
Just a little snake.

I went to a party
and I got a bloody nose.

What? How?

Well, I underestimated
the fighting skills

of one of our nation's
finest soldiers.

But I picked myself up
and I went back to the house,

just to special-touch it.

Jules, I did not know
that their son would be here.

Someone really needs to tell that kid
not to sneak up behind people.

- How bad is it?
- It's not good.

I'm so sorry.
I got you a treat.

Do you think a pastry is gonna make up
for ruining my one day off with Josh?

Because it's not!
Is that a cranberry scone?

Okay, I'm fishing that out only because there's nothing else
in the trash can except for gum, and that was mine.

Jules, I can explain.

You beat their son's face in
with a wooden banana!

I thought
he was an intruder!

And I already used all my pepper spray
on my neighbor's stupid cat.

Why are you freaking out?
This was an accident.

Look, I did a great job
staging that house.

- I just went back to add the flowers because--
- That's the difference between you and I.

I would never have left
unless the job was finished.

- That is so unfair!
- What are you doing?

I bought an ugly, no-jiggle bra,
and you didn't even notice.

I was gonna take it off and throw it at you,
but it has, like, 20 hooks, so just forget it!

Oh, so now you're mad at me!
That's what's happening?

Did I miss it? She looked devastated.
Tell me everything!

Need one!

That's a pretty great service.

Thanks. Hey,
you do really smell nice.

Yeah? New cologne.
I wasn't sure.

Nah, it's good. It's musky.
All right, go sink this.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

If he sinks this, he's gonna
break your course record.

Really?

- Distraction!
- Really?

No more. All right, go on, G-Man.
Drain it.

No!

Yes!

- Nice round.
- Thank you.

What the hell were you thinking?

Do you know how much his self-esteem
is tied to that stupid record?

Relax, banana pants.
He was just fine.

What are you looking at?

Okay, thanks to dummy here,
we have a family crisis.

Bobby's best quality is that
he's always upbeat-- Mr. Sunshine,

but let's all remember those rare times
when he was depressed.

To karate chop a coconut, ied

- and he couldn't play golf for three months?
- Exactly.

I think we've all had those
late-night heart-to-hearts

with a drunk, crying man
in his underwear. That's not fun!

That train's
coming back, people.

So I put out some food,
but this thing snuck up on me,

so all I had
are some old carrots,

some whole wheat waffles
and a brick of Pepper Jack.

- I'll split a waffle with someone.
- Yes, please.

You sure this thing's in range?

- Stan sounds like an old Italian woman.
- Is this what you people do--

bottom-feed out of the fridge
and talk about

- me beating a grown man in golf?
- You and Bobby played golf today?

- Stop it.
- I'll hit that cheese if no one's going there.

Who's that guy?

He's just a very nice,
new, special friend.

My mom's dating him, but it's easier
for her to act like I don't know.

Then do that, Travis.

All right, back to Bobby.
How can we fix this?

- Oh, I can take him to Vegas.
- You're done. Go check on Stan.

Can't this guy just say
he cheated?

Great idea, new dad.

- Dude.
- Dude.

Fantastic!
Wow, but I gotta go to work.

Adios, crazy people.
I'm taking a waffle.

- Waffles are for helpers!
- Dude, gotta go.

- Good times, Mom.
- I probably should get going.

You are coming with me.
Come on.

All right, we're going right
back to where we left off.

Public-style kissing
will happen today.

I've just got one thing to do.

- Jules, I'm sad.
- Okay, two things to do.

You broke him. You fix him.
Come on, Josh. Try to keep up.

Jules said you'd make me
some soup.

- Soup?
- Soup!

- Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
- Sure.

Wow. You flopped down on that chair,
and you barely had any jiggleall.

It's because I can't get
this stupid bra off.

Apparently, you have
to wear it forever.

All right, do you wanna know why I lost
my jinkies on you about that open house?

Yeah, so you could spend
more time with him.

No, stay out there! Yes, I do
wanna take more time for myself.

Now I have earned that, but--
all right.

I'm gonna get a little corny
and... brace yourself.

Ready.

You remind me of me
when I was younger.

You do. You just have
all this potential,

and you don't realize you could
do anything with your life.

I just want you to want more
for yourself.

I do! I went to a party

with a professional-grade
margarita machine,

and I left because I cared
about doing a good job.

- That's a first.
- Oh, come here.

Ow! Wow! That is
a sharp, pointy bra.

I know. They're like
frickin' traffic cones.

Oh, come here!

Ah. Pretty good soup.

I just microwaved
bloody mary mix.

Still tasty.

You know what, man?

I don't generally like,

people.

but I had a good time
golfing with you today.

Thanks, brother.
Seriously.

so you live on a boat
in a parking lot?

- Yes, indeed.
- What, did you lose a bet?

Uh, I won a bet.

I know you had an appointment
with Ms. Cobb, but she's indisposed,

so I'll be taking care of you.

- I love you, Jules!
- I believe in you, Laurie!

I don't completely, but they're not
huge clients, so it's no biggie.

And to prove that I'm not embarrassed
by you, I've brought along a very good friend.

Best friend. I'm your best friend.
I'm her best friend.

Oh, please,
I'm her best friend.

- Laurie, get back to the Jacobsons!
- They're only buying a condo.

- Okay. Are you ready?
- Yes.

Okay, judge away.

- Thank you.
- Anytime.

He kisses with a perfect seal
around your mouth

like he's trying
to suck your brains out.

I know, but he's gotten
so much better.

- That's better?
- I'll go get some more drinks.

Okay. Oh, hey, sweetie,
see if they've got an apple.

Sweetie, two apples.

We're never gonna tell anybody
about this, right?

- Never.
- Man up. Let's go.

Whoo! Hot damn, man.
Cosmos are good.

They're divine.

Hey, sorry about
your record.

Ah, it's probably
for the best.

I'm 40. About time I find
something new to hang my hat on.

You know, it may not be
this week or even this year,

but mark my words,
I will find it.

You go, girl.

It might be darts.
I'm pretty good at darts.

look at that guy
pick himself up.

That's a hero.
Golden hero.

You are one weird cat.