Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - A Woman in Love (It's Not Me) - full transcript

Ugh. Come on, Jules. It's a game

Just pick any celebrity

You'd wanna have sex with for an hour.

An hour? No one.

-Okay, 15 minutes. -Dan Rather. It's a long story.

Are you really wearing that T-shirt?

Yeah. I've never been to Ohio,

But I do love this shirt,

Because the o's frame my boobs perfectly,

And it says "hi" in the middle.

-Oh, hey, travis. -"Ohio."



Travis, eyes up.

Hey, that is a bitchin' purse.

Did you get that on the internet?

Because I just bought this badass

humidifier on the internet,

And it is really helping with my sinus infectch.

It's cold mist, so less bacteria, you know? No biggie.

- What are you doing? - Great stuff, moms.

And I'm out!

What a doof. He is so crushing on you.

- It's kinda sweet.- Yeah.

- Do you want me to take his virginity? - Now not so sweet.

No, as, like, a favor to you. Plus it's kinda my hobby.

Honey, I'm hoping my son's first time



Is a little more romantic, a little less "hold on tight!"

How dare you.

So where's handsome boring guy?

Josh isn't boring. Deep down, he's really...

okay, I got nothin'.

Laurie, you have to stay with me, okay?

These are all his friends,

And they're all, like, 12 years old.

Laurie?

- You're funny. - How did you do that?

It takes me 20 minutes to get in a hammock.

Ohio.

Stacey!

Sorry. Thought you were my roommate.

You thought my butt was young

enough to be your roommate's?

We need to hug. wow.

Jules?

- I made a new friend.- Nice.

Why didn't I think of having a boat yard sale before?

I made 12 bucks already.

Dad, we've been here all morning,

And the only one who's bought anything

Is your one psychotic superfan.

I'm gonna buy the picture, too.

look at you, you're magnificent.

-For you, 30 bucks. -I'm paying $40.

Done.

I feel like this is a sad day.

Well, I'm a little strapped for cash, bud.

You know, I only got four golf lessons booked this month.

So I gotta come up with new ways

to bring in the doubloons.

- That's boat slang for money. - Got it.

Yes! Chug it!

In your face, Sully. I love this game!

I forfeit.

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

Hey, hey! all the chanting's not gonna make me do it.

Let me tell you little something about peer pressure.

Peer pressure is why I lost my virginity at 15

With Francis Cooper

in his mom's bathtub.

I've never told that story before.

You all pressured me into it.

Jules, I-I got it. please stop.

This is fun!

I haven't drank out of a red plastic cup

Since my wedding reception.

So he just hugged you sweetly from behind

And didn't honk a boob to show off to his friends?

Nope, no honks. What is with the knowing look?

You know I hate knowing looks unless I'm giving them.

Jules, that boy is in l-o-v-e, love.

- Used to be a cheerleader.- No, you weren't.

Okay, I slept with a lot of football players. Same diff.

Slutty dummy's right for a change.

Josh is in love.

Holla!

No "holla," laurie. this is not a "holla" moment.

We're having fun. He doesn't love me.

Hey, Grayson, if you were at a barbecue

Playing drinking games with your buds,

Would you chug a girl's beer,

then hug her sweetly from behind

Without trying to cop a feel in front of them

If you weren't totally in love?

please stop coming to my bar.

- Man's got a point. - Yeah, he's got a nice ass, too.

- You don't love me, right? - What? No.

Holla! oh, that's fun to say.

Josh, do me a favor. Don't fall in love with me, okay?

Oh, my god. That sounds like

The most arrogant thing I've ever said.

But seriously, don't. That would be a huge hassle.

- Okay. - Okay

Whoa, Travis.

Really filling out. I think I see a vein on that bicep.

Yeah, just going for a post-workout swim.

Hey, can you thank Jules for letting me use the pool?

No, Josh. Thankyou.

Hey, can you ask your mom to give me a call later?

Yeah, no, no, I can't, Josh,

Because I have to go shoot myself.

I told you Josh didn't love me.

All he wants is, well...

All of this with a side of this.

Holy crap, Jules. You are finally someone's booty call

All that hard work finally paid off!

Oh, the spin classes, the expensive body creams,

The not eating candy.

You know, I suck on chocolate for, like, three seconds,

And then I... I spit it out.

Oh, that's him!

Hello? Is someone calling for a booty?

Jules, I lied before. I can't stop thinking about you.

I love you.

Not much. Just hanging with my girls.

Jules, I'm trying to tell you that I love you.

Oh, yeah, well, you know, they're all on that island.

I mean, it's crazy. I tell you. They're not getting off.

Jules, I'm telling you that I love you.

Please say something real.

Whoa! What are you doing?

I got very nervous. That was uncomfortable.

I thought it was fun!

Laurie, you can't do that!

Josh has feelings. He's a human being.

I didn't know what to say yet!

You have to cold dump Josh's ass, like, yesterday.

I can't believe he fell in love.

I specifically told him not to.

And he did the opposite? It doesn't make any sense.

- Sarcasm? - No, I wouldn't do that. It would be so rude.

- So, what are you wearing to the breakup? - What?

- This is how he's gonna remember you forever. - Mm-hmm.

I like to do it after sex.

- It's when my hair looks the best. - Oh.

I've never broken up with anyone before.

I mean, I dated this guy Francis from 15 to 19,

And then I met Bobby.

What happened with Francis?

Did you dump him or did he dump you?

Neither. He's still in a coma from his tractor accident.

- Oh, I wanna go see Francis. - Don't be such a baby.

Fine, I'll do it, but not today.

I mean, how heartless would it be to break up

With someone five months before their birthday?

- Jules! - Okay!

The follow-through is looking much better, Gladys.

You go, Gladys, you're gonna get it in one day.

- She never will. - No.

All right, what do you need, Bobby

I gotta go break up with someone.

So, uh, Trav probably filled you in on my liquidity crisis.

Don't get me wrong. The boat yard sale did okay.

Absolutely not.

So I can't choose one thing in here?

Come on!

But financially, I'm still in the red.

Wait. Is that right?

Yes, Bobby, red is the bad color.

Anyway, do you think you can give me some life advice?

You know, help me get back on track?

Oh, my god. I have prayed for this moment.

- Wait. Are you messing with me? - No! I'm bringing the real.

And in return,

I'm gonna give your swing a tune-up. Get in here.

No, no, let's not play golf. Let's fix your life.

Russ! Hey. Jules, you remember my old golf buddy Russ.

Oh, of course, Russ. I love russ.

We never really met.

Why not just go with it, Russ?

- Here's your cash, Bobby. - Merci beaucoup.

- What just happened? - Don't worry about it. Just take it.

Bobby, I don't care how much trouble you're in.

I'm not hiding this in my butt.

Oh, that happened once. All right, look, you know,

Back in '99, Russ bet me 1,000 bucks that in 10 years

We wouldn't still be married. That's your share.

So this was just all a con?

You're welcome, baby.

That's a swing, Gladys!

Gonna make that fake hip your bitch.

Here, have a seat, Josh.

Okay, I'm gonna try to make this

Okay, i'm gonna try to make this

As short and concise as I possibly can.

as short and concise as i possibly can.

Josh...

People go through many phases in their lives,

Like moving out on their own or menopause.

Not sure why I went with menopause.

That's years away for me. Like, at least four.

Four? Oh, my god. Am i that old, Josh?

Well, here's a crazy question.

Um, have you ever been so into someone

That you actually don't want to see them anymore,

Except for maybe as friends?

So many things in life are about timing.

I mean, not just relationships, Josh.

Soft-boiled eggs, horse races--

I mean, those are really the two that come to mind.

Look, josh, you are a great guy.

I mean, you are easily in the top 10 to 15 guys

That I've ever met in my life,

And that includes Tom Petty and Colonel Sanders.

Oh! i'm just in a bad place in my life, Josh.

It's like an outlet mall.

I mean, you think you're getting a deal, but you're not.

You just telling you pull off this stuff

It's like a trick, is what it is.

- Are you dumping me? - No, no, no, no. don't be sad.

- So you're not? - No, i am.

So i'll call you two tomorrow about those listings.

Thanks for stopping by.

You okay down there, sweetheart?

They didn't see me, did they?

They did, but they rolled with it.

I murdered josh. oh, you just don't know how bad it was.

I do. I was watching.

Did the word "menopause" come out of your mouth

- At some point? - It may have.

- I need some chocolate. - Okay.

Oh, honey, there's nothing in your purse except for $300.

That's $500. that's my half of a stupid bet bobby made.

No, this feels like $300.

My brother sold pot for six years, so...

All right, if bobby wants to play rough,

Then i'll play rough.

Get my flats.

Oh! Chocolate.

One, two, three.

All right, let's go! come on!

Put it on my tab.

Ooh, yeah, remember, um, how we talked about

- How you don't have a tab? - Yep.

That's why I don't want.

Okay, well, remember how we talked about

Just saying the word "tab" doesn't mean

That you've magically created one?

Right. hey, thanks for this.

So i set up that tee time for tomorrow.

It's gonna be us against two other dudes.

oh, can we please not bet this time

I really don't like the pressure.

Betting takes the pressure off.

I don't think that's true for anyone.

Hey, Andy. It¡¯s Andy.

- I got that. - What do you mean she stole them?

You saw nothing.

Oh, Josh, don't be sad.

Hey, why don't you go to the gym?

That always cheers you up. Well, go again and just do abs.

And remember, who is an amazing person?

Oh, thanks, but I was talking about you.

Okay, call me later. bye.

You dumped him. Why are you taking his calls?

I might have called him.

Well, I'm the one who hurt Josh.

So I feel like I should help him through this.

Excuse me.

If you answer that, I will break your nose with my forehead.

- Ignore. - You think you're being

nice to that boy,

If you keep talking to him, he will never move on.

No, no, she's doing it perfectly.

You're leaving a trail of bread crumbs

leading right back to your door.

Where the hell did you come from?

Shh. Barb's talking. trust me.

One night... very soon

You'll be sitting in your bedroom

Sipping a glass of wine,

Perhaps enjoying some chocolates,

And then you'll hear the plink, plink...

Of little stones hitting your window.

"What's that?" you'll wonder,

And heart racing, you'll go look,

And there, standing on your lawn,

You'll see him...

A desperate, broken boy

Crying in the rain, begging for your love.

Jules, I love you!

Oh, there isn't a woman in the world

Who can resist the scent of wounded boy.

That is horrible, and, frankly, Barb,

I would never be turned on by that.

It hurts.

Let me make it better.

Morning.

I just said, "I love you" in morse code.

Oh, god.

Jules, why isn't my coffee made yet?!

Stay up here.

Morning.

You totally had sex last night.

How did you know?

I'm your best friend. I know these things,

And plus there's a condom wrapper on your back.

- Oh. Was it just the one? - Good god, Jules!

- I had to sex away his tears. - Well, where is he?

Hey, Travis.

Josh, let's make a real effort to wear shirts

- Around each other, okay? - Sure. Hey,

Do you think your mom likes me?

Just woke up, dude.

Josh.

I'm so glad that you're back.

Thank you, Mrs. Torres.

Mmm. Don't forget. The concert tonight's outdoors...

So we can have a picnic!

You bring the cheese, please,

I'll bring the nosh, Josh!

And now I'm rhyming. I hate myself.

My god. When did I start dating him again?

It's just like sister Katherine used to say...

Never have sex with someone you don't love.

It's dirty, and you will burn in hell.

Where's Travis? He should be hearing this.

Relax, sweetie. Do you know how

many people I've slept with

- That I didn't love? - Like, 20.

21 if you count the first 6 years with Andy.

Can I please have my golf clubs back?

Just pay up.

You give him his clubs back!

Andy, apologize and go home.

Right. Sorry, Jules.

They're in the garage, aren't they?

Nope.

Oh, nuts.

Well, I'm glad you got stuck with the kiddie clubs.

Now we can call that bet off.

Whoa. Pump your brakes, negative nancy.

I told the guys that I'm gonna play with these,

And I doubled the bet. The plan is foolproof.

I'm not sure you have a firm grasp

Of what that term means. Hey, what the hell is that?

Ellie wouldn't let me put it up in our house.

Unacceptable.

If pretty boy doesn't want to play, then put me in.

Unfortunately, little buddy, g-man's

got more game than you.

Ah, whatever you say.

Hey, hey, you're still my caddy.

The man behind the man.

And I'm back.

Did you nail this in?

I... I didn't want anyone to steal it.

Maybe I don't have to break up with Josh.

I mean, he barely snores,

And he is good at stomping on cockroaches.

Plus he's so young. When I'm 100, he'll be, like, 40,

And then he can just carry me around and stuff.

Why are you such a wuss?

I just am, Ellie. I think it's endearing.

When I need to end it with a guy,

I just sleep with his best friend or his brother.

Brothers are good, because if the guy was hot,

Chances are the brother will be hot, too.

Best friends are a crapshoot.

Why don't you two have a competation

To see who can be less helpful?

Fine. If you wanna do this right.

You have to smother any hope the boy has.

If you leave a single piece of string for him to hold on to,

He's gonna use it just to climb right back into your life.

You have to assassinate him.

Yes.

Oh, why can't Josh just be in a coma like Francis?

I don't know, sweetie.

Chunked it.

At least you don't look stupid.

You know, my stomachmach's acting up.

It's all squirrelly, like I'm hungry, but opposite.

It's called nerves, dipstick,

'Cause we're about to lose 1,000 bucks.

Now listen, I really don't think we should do this.

I'm so sorry for putting you in this position, truly.

But I need this cash, bad.

Yeah?

Yeah.

All right, then. I got your back.

And we're gonna be just fine.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

You lose your boat, so what? You crash at

- A friend's place. - You gonna share your room

Not my place, but come on now. let's see this! Come on.

Bingo!

Very nice.

Oh, good. You guys are bonding.

Back off, man.

I'm warning you.

Oh, hi, Bobby.

J-bird.

The Cobbster just rocked it with some kiddie clubs,

So here's your money.

Thank you.

What's wrong?

Josh is on his way over.

He told me he loved me, so I have to break up with him.

I do, right?

Yeah, but so what?

He's young, handsome.

He's got tall hair.

He'll get over it in, like, a day.

Excuse me. Did you not see the outfit?

Fine. Maybe a week.

Better answer.

You know, when you and I were married,

It wasn't perfect, but--

Sometimes it was perfect.

Bobby, just take what I'm giving you.

But still, I always knew that you

Could roll with the punches.

But now if I date someone,

I have the chance of really hurting them.

It's just so scary.

That is incredibly lame.

What?

You being afraid of hurting some pretty kid's feelings.

I mean, let me tell you about some real fear.

I'm hustling my ass off just to keep a boat over my head,

And you--you're smart. you're tough.

You started your own business. you'll always be fine.

What am i gonna be doing 30 years from now?

Teaching a couple golf lessons

and trying to scam up of money

So i can buy a six-pack

Of whatever space-beer people are drinking?

That's fear.

Did that sound pissy? 'cause i wanted it to sound pissy.

Bobby, you're gonna be fine.

You really think so?

Mm-hmm.

Because if you say it, Jules, i might actually believe it.

I really think so.

Thank you.

Anytime.

Catch you later, gator.

Hey, babe.

Don't love you. never will. tough cookies! bye, Josh.

But--

Ahh.

No.

When did you get here?

I don't know, about halfway through your ex's sob story.

Boo-hoo! i'm getting wine.

Me, too.

Thank you.

Mmm.

So your second-first breakup. how do you feel?

A little gassy. but you were right.

The last thing you wanna do is keep that door open.

If you give a guy any strings to hold on to,

You just know he'll cling to them forever.

Oh,She was so cool.

Euough she is gone.

Yeah,she is very mean lady.

Come here,let me look at you.

Oh,such beautiful tears with such a pretty beautiful boy,

you deserve better.

How is that feel?

God£¬nice£¡

How about that?

Eh,yeah!

Barb will take good care of you!

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