Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 22 - Feel a Whole Lot Better - full transcript

So, what did you do last night?

I took advantage of a lonely,
vulnerable woman.

Right, right, right.

Hey, did you like it when
I kissed the back of your knee?

Women don't know it, but that's
a major erogenous zone.

- So sexy.
- I've been thinking about this a lot...

- Were you up all night, too?
- Oh, no, I'm a guy.

By "a lot," I mean
the five minutes I've been awake.

My bad. Go on.

I don't make friends easily.

And this, this little group of ours...



- The cul-de-sac crew.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna call them that.

- This little group...
- The crew.

Right. Well, it means a lot to me.
And our friendship means a lot to me.

- I don't want to mess that up.
- I don't either.

Maybe this should
just be a one time deal.

Or, we could just be
friends... with benefits.

You snuck that in at the end,
didn't you?

Friends with benefits.
The ol' FWB.

That is the greatest
male myth of our time.

I mean, that and our knees
being an erogenous zone.

- It is.
- It's not. It's a knee.

Do you want to know
why FWB never works?

- No.
- We're friends. It can't be casual.

Friend-sex comes with feelings and
baggage and someone always gets hurt.



- It's a horrible idea.
- Jules, it's coffee time!

- Stay here. I don't want them to know.
- But I love coffee time.

It's 7:45. How come you're
not down here already serving us?

- Hey, gang!
- Ah!

Don't... do that!

♪ Making coffee for my friends ♪

♪ That's what they like
in the morning ♪

- What?
- You only sing-narrate your life

- when you're hiding something.
- Let's play

the admission game.

That's when friends admit stuff
and it brings everyone much closer.

- I read about it in a magazine.
- What magazine?

Fine. It's just, I feel like
people respect my ideas more

when they think
they came out of magazines.

Nope.

I'll go first because
I got nothing to hide.

Whatevs.

Once, while you were asleep,
I kissed you on the forehead

because I wanted you
to have nice dreams.

I know. I was awake.

- Feels like the game should be over.
- Come on.

Don't you guys want
to get inside each other?

That's what she said.

- Oh!
- Bing, bing, bing, bing!

- So lame.
- Why won't that joke ever go away?

We should steal it from them
so they know how annoying it is.

Good luck, sister.
It's not that easy.

- It's never hard for me.
- That's what he said!

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

I don't like this.

Are we here to buy me
a car for college?

- Good one, Trav.
- Thanks.

You know how I've been working
odd jobs for extra cash?

- I really gotta get to school.
- You will.

I just have to drop
Mr. Rockwell off at the mall first.

I'm gonna buy pants!

I'm trying to scrape together enough
dough to get my boat back in the water.

And as a promotion,
this place is releasing a balloon

with two thousand bucks in it.

Dad, you can't put all your
financial hopes into balloon chasing.

I mean, you gotta keep
buying those lottery tickets.

I'm just kidding, don't do that.

- What?
- I want our joke back.

It's not your joke anymore.

I got you a present, but I'm not
even going to give it to you now.

- Yes, you are.
- I know, I'm too excited.

I hired a nanny. I know you're
gonna say, "We don't need it,"

but it's only three days a week.

I thought it'd be nice for you
to have some help around the house

and not be tied down
and so what do you think?

Ellie...

That's the nicest thing
you've ever done for me.

Stop. It's just a tiny thing.

That's what he said.

You ruined it! You ruined my gift.

- Stop it.
- Nothing wrong with looking.

- I smell lovers.
- No, you don't, Barb.

The air's so thick with pheromones
I can barely see.

Every hair on my body
would be standing on end

if I weren't shaved bald from...
here down.

I can't believe I'm getting a nanny.

I mean, I just had to put my ego aside
and realize I can't do it all by myself.

- What do you do for a living?
- Oh, corporate attorney.

No, no, honey.

He's asking what you do now.
Not a hundred years ago.

She's very, very busy
taking care of all of her children.

Oh!

How many kids do you have?

You only have one, don't you?
Why would you do that to me?

- For fun.
- So, I don't work and I have a nanny.

I don't have to be embarrassed.

After years of taking
your abuse,

I finally found your weak spot!

Jules, honey, I found her weak spot!

You mean that cheesy
dolphin tattoo on her butt?

You didn't mean that, did you?
Well, she doesn't have one.

It's my spirit guide.

Hey, Jules, you left your
sunglasses at the bar.

Thank you.

Two for two.

Ready?

- Ten, nine...
- I'm here. Let's do a "hands in."

Andy, there's no time!

OK, hands in. All right. Remember,
the money's in the red balloon.

Hurt people if you have to.
We can apologize later.

God help me, I enjoy you, Dad.

- All right, balloon!
- Balloon!

One. Go get it!

This was not well thought out.

OK, do you want to know why
I think that we can pull off

- being friends with benefits?
- Hell yeah, I do.

- We're friends.
- We're friends.

- We can keep it casual.
- It can't be casual.

- Friend-sex is the most fun.
- Friend-sex comes with feelings...

someone always gets hurt.
- I mean...

We're smart enough not to make the
same mistakes everyone else makes.

But they can't.

- It's a horrible idea.
- Let's do this.

Can't argue with that. But one thing.
Let's still just keep this between us.

You are so right.

Oh good, you're done.
I got your text.

What? She doesn't count.

Cougar Town 1x22 -
Feel a Whole Lot Better

So you guys are actually gonna try it.

- The ol' FWB.
- Yep.

No guilt. No commitment.

Oh, wait. How are we gonna
know when it's, you know, going down?

I could politely say, "Shall we?"

OK, and if I'm in the mood,
I can curtsey and say, "Indeed."

- Very classy.
- What about post-sex cuddling?

This one needs it.

She holds on like an otter
trying to break open a clam.

- Ooh!
- That's why Ellie

will be my surrogate
afterglow partner.

Yay! So fun!

I'm gonna otter the hell out of you.

I don't see the balloon.

Even if you did, how are
we gonna lose everyone else?

Come on, man, you think
this is my first money balloon chase?

OK, it is, but still...
I set up a diversion.

I got it! I got the balloon!

Jules Cobb Real Estate.
For all your housing needs!

- Hey.
- What was that about?

I don't know.

Sometimes it's just easier to do what
Bobby says and not ask questions.

- What are you doing?
- I'm sending Ellie pictures

- of famous working moms.
- Laurie, that's too mean.

I was going to include you.

- Well, hold on a second.
- OK.

Marina? If you're part of some
white baby-selling ring,

don't waste your time. Stan's Cuban,
so he will not fetch a good price.

It must be hard for you
to leave this munequito.

It is. But no Spanish.

So what time will you
be home from work?

Six.

I should have said five.

- What's with the outfit?
- I work here now.

- I don't want to talk about it.
- OK. What's in your briefcase?

- Almonds and wine.
- No way!

That's exactly what's in my briefcase.

Shall we?

Indeed.

Milady.

But I just set up my office.
Where am I going to go?

Ma'am,

you cannot drink here.

You're kidding. How do people
get through the work day?

Shh! It's not weird. It's my baby.

And my husband.
Here, can you hold this for a second?

- Oh! There it is!
- Be cool, man.

If we all stare at the sky,
people are gonna know.

We'll look up in shifts. First me.
Travis. Now Andy.

Now me. Travis. Andy.

Now me.

- Oh!
- Ooh!

- Go on without me!
- You heard him.

Me. You.

- Me. You.
- This looks totally natural.

Me. You.

OK. Oh, my God. I feel like
we are so in sync lately.

I mean, seriously, I know what
you're going to say as you say it.

- No, you don't.
- No, you don't.

OK, I was a little late,
but I wasn't ready yet.

Say anything, and I'm gonna
say it with you in exact unison.

- OK...
- OK...

- It's been a long day.
- Long day...

Mostly because the pressurization
on the beer taps was broken.

I tried to fix it myself, but that's
why I had to mop the whole place up.

Floors. What?
- You're not good at this.

- I am, I'm just off my game.
- I am, I'm just off my game.

See, I'm good at this.

Now... it feels like you're putting out
a real... relationship-y vibe.

Are you sure you can handle this?

Because it's still early enough
for us to just bail.

If we avoid each other for a week,

I can totally forget
I've seen you naked.

- Really? You could forget in a week?
- I'd never forget, would I?

Nice save.

Since Jules didn't answer at her house,

I thought maybe she was
over here with Ellie.

- No, Mrs. Torres is at work.
- She told you she went to work?

That is awesome news, Nanny.

See? I'm not always an otter.
Sometimes I just like to hold hands.

Grayson was right to be worried.

You can't keep doing this
without getting attached.

Yes, I can.
Will you stroke my hair?

- I have to go, thank God.
- Why?

Well, because... It's not you.
My work day is over.

But... You are squeezing me
very tight.

Oh! What a day, Marina.

Be glad you're not a lawyer.

Do you know that companies think they
can get away with dumping chemicals

in our water supply?
Luckily, I can get anyone to talk.

All I have to do is flash a smile
and put on a push-up bra...

Are you stealing the plot
of Erin Brockovich?

- What are you doing here?
- I was just waiting for you.

But now, I am literally
bathing in this moment.

Oh, gosh, it feels so good on my skin.

Nothing we can do tonight.

We'll bed down here, then at first
light, we grab hard hats,

couple mustaches, we'll shimmy
on up there and grab it.

And why the mustaches?

You ever seen a hard hat
without a mustache under it?

Uh... No. But, in my defense,
I'm a sane person.

Gotta jam. Going out
dancing with the wife tonight.

Yeah. Go Andy!

We can't go dancing. I sent
the nanny home. I don't want her.

So what am I supposed to do?
Go shake it by myself?

- That's what he said.
- That wasn't even subtle!

There's an art to this!

* No strings attached
No need to commit

* We're paling 'round
While we're getting down

* We're friends with benefits

* Friends with benefits *

Horrible.

Well, you'll be singing it later.

I hope not, because it'll mean
someone has a gun to my head.

- Hey, you want to stay for coffee?
- Uh, not today.

All right, cool.
See you on the flip side.

What? People still say, "flip side."

So, how was the
boom-boom last night?

That is so much worse than "flip side."

I knew it when I said it.

We actually didn't even hook up. We
played penny-can. It was so much fun.

- We came up with this new tickle rule.
- Did you?

- Jules, you are so into him.
- Ellie, I've got this under control.

Mm-hm...

Look at him.

- Look at him, Jules.
- I don't want to.

I know you don't. Because even
though Grayson's right over there...

Say it, Jules.

It's like he's a million miles away.

Mm-hm!

- Is he looking at me?
- No.

- What about now?
- No.

- What about now?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- No.

I feel like an idiot.
I'm gonna talk to him.

- No, because you can't be normal.
- Yes, I can.

Hey!

You work that hose, bitch.

You're weird, Jules.

Weird like a fox.

- Oh, no, put the guns away.
- Damn these things! I hate them.

Trav, check it out!

Why are we whispering?

Because the balloon's right there
and we don't want to spook it.

It's a balloon.

Now look what you did! Come on!

Just tell him how you really feel.

Being open and honest
is a firm Plan C.

Please don't tell me the other plans.

Plan A would just be continuing on

with our friends with benefits
thing forever.

Plan B is a little more intricate.

First, I have to make him feel insecure
with a series of insult-compliments.

Like..."I just love
your beautiful, tiny eyes."

Or..."Your receding hairline
really makes your tiny eyes pop."

So you're gonna focus on the eyes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then, to strip what's left of his
self-esteem, I'll fatten him up.

Once he's gained about
400 pounds and hates himself...

that's when I cut him loose.

That fat bastard will beg
to have me back.

Either I'll want him or I won't.
But the point is, it'll be my choice.

Well, I mean, it sounds like
you have a lot of options.

- Lots.
- Not crazy at all.

God, no.

Hey, Andy.

Your nostrils look really mad.

Stop torturing Ellie about the nanny.

Look, the best thing to do
when someone picks on you

is to give them a taste
of their own medicine.

I read that in a magazine,
and I know what you're gonna say,

but I really did read it in a magazine.

- I swear on my mother's life.
- What magazine?

What kind of a friend
wouldn't let that slide?

Now my mom is gonna die,
you murderer.

Do you know how hard it is for a man
to find a gift for his wife

that she thinks is for her,
but is actually for him?

Lingerie didn't work.
She saw right through that.

Oral sex class? Ha-ha! Huge mistake.
And, as it turns out, really insulting.

But the nanny?
Ellie sees it as totally selfless.

But to me, it means being able
to go out to dinner,

or a movie or even dancing
once in a while.

Do you know when the last time
I went dancing was, Laurie?

- Huh? Do you?
- No!

This... was still fresh.

How long are you gonna
keep doing that?

Come back!

Dad, it won't listen.
It's just a balloon!

I'm gonna get you, baby,
I'm gonna get you!

Dad!

Dad?

Oh, thank God.

Wait, did you know
there was another ledge here?

No. I may have gotten a little
caught up in the moment.

You almost died, and for what?

To get your dumb boat
back in the water?

Look, no more driving
senior citizens around for cash,

no more sleeping on benches.
Just no more, OK?

Grow up, Dad.

Come on! How can you
not laugh at that?

- Hey, studly.
- Hey, what's up?

I was just thinking about how
we get to keep knocking it out

and high five-ing afterwards,
until we die. I'm so psyched.

You just say, "Shall we?"

No problem. Shall we?

Grayson, I can't do this.

No, that's where you say, "Indeed."

I just, I want more. I do.

I know what I said before,
but that was, like, 18 hours ago.

And that was the old Jules.

The new Jules,
she shoots from the hip.

Go away.

Look, the only reason that you and I
didn't dive in is because we're scared.

I've been making so many decisions
my whole life out of fear,

I just don't want to do it anymore.

Come on, we like each other.

Let's do this. Let's do this.

I don't know what you want me to say.

Just say..."Why not?"

So how'd it go?

Too soon?

Just give him some time.

He probably just thinks this
isn't what he signed up for.

- That's what he said.
- I don't get it.

No, that's actually what he said.

Well, that's twice I've found you
in here. I'm buying bear spray.

I was just teasing about
the nanny, you wuss.

Look...

I want to tell you something,
but you can't tell Jules.

I'm intrigued.

- You're kind of my hero.
- No, thank you.

OK, not you personally.
But you have everything.

A great house, great family,
fancy old lady clothes.

The dirty secret is,
I want your life, not Jules'.

She works like a dog.
I'll tell you what, if I do marry Smith,

Jules is gonna walk into the office
one day, look over at my chair

and there's just going
to be a puff of smoke.

And when I have a baby,
I'm going to hire, like,

a five person parenting team
who will wear uniforms I design.

Are you trying to say thank you?

You're welcome.

Get dressed, woman. Whoo-hoo!

We're going out!

- Let's go get some dinner.
- Sure, why not.

Great. Shall we?

Can you ask me another way?

- What?
- Hello.

I'll go, too, if you're driving.

No way!

I know I've been too broke to do
as much for you as your mom,

but I didn't want you to go off
to college without a car.

- Wha!
- If we'd gotten that balloon,

I could've given her a new paint job

and fixed those bullet holes.

This is all your dad's doing.
He's been working extra jobs for months.

- Man, now I feel like a tool.
- I know.

Makes it even more delicious.

Now, you want to take
this panty-dropper for a spin?

Yeah, but I want one thing.

Hey.

Why did you do that?

Why not?

Thanks for getting me
the mustache, guys.

I haven't had one since eighth grade.

You look like Dom DeLuise
and Burt Reynolds' love child.

Hey, I got a great idea.

I say we make a man pact
and wear these for a month.

I mean, I wouldn't call that a "great"
idea, but hey, why not? I'm down.

Well, I'll give it a shot, fellas,
but once Ellie sees this,

she's gonna make me take it off.
She loves this face too much.

What's that on your face?

What is this thing on my face?
I've had it on for a week!

A week! Seriously?

Calm down.