Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 21 - Letting You Go - full transcript

Hey, you guys, guess what?

My boyfriend, Smith,
finished law school.

He comes home today.

Wow, that is so...

Jules, what's the word for,
"Who cares?"

Ellie Torres, I opened
my best bottle of wine

for you last night, and you left a sip.

I would never.

This is your lipstick.

- Wino fight.
- That was my glass.

I accidentally wore
colored lip balm yesterday.



It's barely colored,
and it makes my eyes pop.

That's how it started
for my uncle Max.

Then he bought some wigs
and changed his name to Maxine.

But you know what's really funny?
He still goes by "Max."

"Who cares?" "Who cares?"
Was the word I was looking for.

You know what? I'm gonna drink it.

It's 8:00am on a Saturday.

So? This is just like a mimosa,

except for it's got wine
instead of champagne

and no orange juice.

That sounds delicious.

Mmm!

Wine in the morning on the weekends.

- Let's all think about it, people.
- Think about what?



- Morning drinking.
- For it.

Jules, I grabbed your mail,
and Travis got his first college letter.

- It's from his safety school.
- Big envelope.

He got in.

Travis, help! I'm hurt!

Otherwise it takes him forever
to come downstairs.

OK, I don't want to call favorites,
but here's the hug order...

Me, then Bobby, then me again,

and then, you know, whatever.

Oh, good. You're OK.

Oh...

OK. Here we go.

Everybody said that I
should get the first hug, right?

They rejected me.

Well, I guess these should probably
go back in their holsters.

I forgot how smooth your teeth are.

I'm sorry. It's just I have a rule

that every kiss must last
at least three seconds.

It's what the Obamas do.

Anyway, to celebrate,
I thought that we might golf together.

I have a new pro.
I'm amazing now.

- Doubt it, but I'm in.
- Well, thank you.

I know you prefer to spend your time

letting her try to trick
a baby out of you.

- Dad, please just...
- I'm allergic to latex

and birth control pills.

Not helping, babe.

Seriously?

Feet off the furniture, and pick up
all this kettle corn that you spilled.

With your hands,
not your mouth vacuum.

And the easiest thing...
Drinks go on coasters.

Quick hypothetical. What if
I was to tell you that I'm a man,

and I can put my drink down
wherever the hell I want?

Stupid hypothetical.

You know what it's like
to have no say

in your own home?

We both live alone.

We can do whatever we want.

I can put on my old jeans
from high school

and rock out to Enya if I want to.

That's... really specific.

When my wife was around,

the only time I had the place
to myself was after she went to bed.

And I'd wander around
in my underwear and cowboy hat.

I have several cowboy hats.

Yeah, I haven't had to answer
to anybody since Sharon died of cancer.

You're so lucky.

- I... I just meant...
- Mm-mm!

There's no saving that.

- I'm loving this.
- Me, too.

- What?
- It's 8:00 in the morning.

- We're tryin' somethin'.
- It's European.

We don't answer to you.

How you holding up there, honey?

It doesn't feel great
to get turned down by a school

with four grammatical errors
in their rejection letter.

- You know, I got into that school.
- Cool. Kill me.

I know it was your safety school,
but you applied

- to plenty of other colleges.
- Two.

Perfect number. Trust me,
you have nothing to worry about.

Thank you for saying that.

Well, I'm speaking the truth.

You're a home run hitter!

He's not. Our son's
not going to college.

- This is a disaster.
- No, it is not.

I never finished college,
and look at me. I ended up just...

More wine?

- Fill her up.
- Yes.

Oh, no. You see
that guy over there?

Jules, don't look right at him!

I said, don't look!

When I hear "Don't look,"
I can't help but look.

It's my most specific reflex.

Smith, remember when we met
and you went off to law school?

We rolled around with other people
and occasionally had mediocre phone sex?

Yeah, it was like a fairy tale.

He's one of my roll-around guys.

Jules, don't look.

OK, stop it.

I can't. It's too fun.

Smith, most guys that I've dated

would go over there
and make a huge scene

and beat the crap out of him
with his wallet chain.

But don't freak out, OK?

No problem.

- I'm dumping Smith.
- And there it is.

The mailman's here. T-Bone!

I saw him from upstairs.

He put some envelopes in our box.

Maybe they're catalogs.
We don't know!

- We don't... I don't know.
- Ah!

I just want to be part of it.

Well, wish me luck.

No. We do this as a family.

Everybody ready?

- Hell, yeah, baby!
- Accepted to both!

Ha-ha! Take that, life!

Oh! I didn't think

- he would get in anywhere.
- What? But you said...

It doesn't matter now.

- You're not gonna be like Bobby!
- I'm not gonna be like you!

You're not gonna be like me!
Whoo-hoo!

You, buddy, you are gonna
take the world by storm.

Family confidence dance!

Look in the mirror!

Look at yourself, you so smart!

- Who, me?
- Not you!

You so smart!

- Whoo!
- Wow!

So it's either college
20 minutes away in Sarasota,

or 20 hours away in California.

Which one do you want him to go to?

It doesn't really matter what I want.

- It's his choice.
- The weather is so good in California.

Yeah, it also has earthquakes
and race riots.

So, you know, everybody just calm down.

And there it is.

Cougar Town 1x21 - Letting You Go

Travis, help! I'm hurt!

Yeah, yeah.
I'm not falling for that again!

I'm serious this time.

I twisted my ankle. It might be broken.

Oh, no. What?

Sucker!

Great job, adults.

I just wanted to talk to you.

How are you gonna decide
between these two colleges?

I mean, one is known as "the jewel
of central southwest Florida."

And the other one's
in a state where people

lean out of their car windows
and shoot you in the face.

Subtle. You really think
you can pull this off?

Maybe. I'm, like,
the third smartest person here.

- What number am I?
- Sixth.

This is my decision, so I'm
just gonna make it myself, OK?

Let's not get weird.

If I could, I'd have them
shrink me down so small

that I could live in your blood.

OK, good.

She's gonna let him
make his own decision, right?

Now you're eighth.

What? Who's seventh?

Hola.

You didn't give it a chance!

You really did not. Cowards.

All right. Gotta meet my dad for golf.

Hey. What about our three-second rule?

Oh, yeah. One, two, three. See ya.

Bye.

How did Smith become so unsexy?

He didn't.

You just love drama, and for once,

thank God, you've got
someone who doesn't need it.

But drama is such a turn-on.

That makes my lady parts beep.

Would you rather be
with someone emotionally stable

or someone who, at game night,

carves "Die, bitch!"
On the kitchen table

because you think he sucks at Jenga?

There are positives
and negatives to both.

- There really aren't.
- I know.

And, honey, I am sorry about your table.

That's OK.

I added a T,
so now it says, "Diet, bitch!"

It's actually... It's really helpful.

I don't know if I can kick
my drama addiction,

- but I'm gonna try.
- That's great.

Oh!

Do you think Smith
knows something's hinky?

Things with Laurie are really...

I don't know, what's the word?

Hinky.

Pipe down, girls. Watch this drive.

Bobby's been teaching me
five days a week.

- You're fired.
- Mulligan time.

Travis, go get it.

I trained him to retrieve golf balls
by painting meatballs white.

Laurie's not tough to figure out.
She digs on the drama.

That's the greatest thing
I've ever seen.

Seriously,

think about the hottest night
you and Laurie ever had.

How'd it start?

Put the damn money in the bag!

- He's got a gun.
- Yeah, he does.

That was a weird third date.

Trav, go get it.

Could be a meatball, brother.

God, I hate lying to him.

- Oh! Hi, Kylie.
- I know.

If Trav goes to California,
we'll break up,

but if he stays here,
we'll get married

and have beautiful babies.

He told me you'd say that.

Please. You kids are gonna make it.

They are so done-zo.

You do realize that it doesn't matter
where Travis goes to college?

I know. Except it totally does.

OK, I feel like you're
setting yourself up to get hurt.

Even if he goes just 20 minutes
away, he's still leaving.

Come on. If he's that close,
it's not gonna sting.

- Can I get some ketchup?
- You never gave it a chance!

Sail away?

Oh! Rat farts.

- Did you go yet, Dad?
- No!

Don't look at me that way.
Just go get the damn meatball.

Hey, it's Wallet Chain.

He's the guy that
Laurie rolled around with.

You think "rolled around"
means they just made out

or they went all the way?

I don't know. Let's talk about it more.

I think they just kissed
with a little upstairs work.

Buddy, what would Laurie
want you to do?

Oh, God. Are you OK?

Yeah. Sorry about the blood.

I'm not.

Beep, beep, beep, beep!

Are you watching me sleep?

You don't usually wake up.

You've done this before?

Leah, Joel, Alexis...

That's only seven. Come on.

We've gotta be able
to figure out all eight Gosselin kids.

Jon.

No, he's the creepy, disgusting,
wants-to-be-famous father.

- Oh, right. You're right. Oh.
- Shh!

- Collin!
- Yes, Collin.

OK, no more games.

When I got divorced,

you were the one that made me
feel like I wasn't alone.

So I guess...
I guess I'm just having

a really hard time letting you go.

What I'm trying to say is,

if it really is a toss-up
between the two schools,

I would love it
if you would stay here.

- Sleepy show's canceled tonight.
- Damn it!

I wouldn't water my plants
with this ros?.

I mean, partly
because wine kills plants,

but you know, you feel me, right?

I know I asked you over last night,
but I didn't think

it was gonna be
an every night thing.

It's not like we're taking advantage.

I made steak.

Oh, yeah.

Mmm!

Everybody out.

- And, you, too.
- Come on!

That was amazing.

Yeah. At one point, I think
you gave me a Superman ride.

You don't have to fight
old boyfriends for me.

I'm trying to kick
my insane drama habit.

Oh.

What "Oh?"

What would Laurie want you to do?

Yeah, that's not me.

Hey, whose ball is that?

You fed my addiction with a lie.

I am so angry at you right now!

- "Beep beep" angry?
- No, Smith! God.

How do you like when someone
watches you sleep?

Actually, I've known you've
been there for about 40 minutes.

At one point, you fell asleep,

and I was watching you sleep
while I pretended to sleep.

Raise your hand if you think
it's good mothering

to tell your son he's the only thing

keeping you from feeling totally alone.

Oh, wait. This feels like a trap.

You know how much I love you.

After what you said, you really think
I even have a choice anymore?

I'm sorry. I didn't hear anything
after you said how much you love me.

You win, Mom. I hope you feel good.

Well, I don't now.

Hey, Frick.

Frack's already trying to get
the ring out of the coffee table.

- Why don't you join him?
- In a sec. I'm a tad dewy.

Well, I told you you could
stay in my guest room.

I was making a point.

I have a snail on my arm.

So come on, Ellie.

Do you think that I was trying
to manipulate Travis?

Do you care where Trav ends up?

Hell, yeah. I can't afford
to visit him in California.

I just didn't want to keep him
from doing what he wants.

Outparented by Bobby.
How does that feel?

Dagger!

So you wanna talk about
what happened last night?

Which part?

Our fight or the fact
that it got me so revved up

I wanted to break into your apartment,
tie you up with my underwear

and roll around all night?

That's what "roll around" means?

I can't help myself.

It's pathetic.

Hey. Hey. So you like drama. Who cares?

You know, everyone has
their sexual stuff.

I mean, sometimes
I like to, you know,

prance around on all fours
like a little show pony.

- It doesn't make me weird.
- Yeah, it does.

Well, what's this, private?

Yeah, drama can be fun for a while,

but with my other boyfriends,

all the big scenes and the fighting...

Eventually, it turned real,
and it ended things.

And I just don't want that
for us. Do you?

No.

Me neither.

What? There's...

There's nothing for me to do.

Are you watching me sleep again?

When I squint, you look
just like your sonogram picture.

Memories.

So you want to get
right into this apology

or you want to beat around
the bush for a minute?

- Bush.
- OK.

I like your... necklace.

I borrowed this from Ellie, like, seven
years ago, and I never gave it back.

You know what sucks is, I love it,

and I can never wear it around her.

- Mom!
- All right, I'm an idiot.

Please, please, please,
go wherever you want.

You know, I decided to go
to Florida the second I got in.

I was just annoyed at you.

Wow. OK, so you just
want to go hop in the car

- and go check out the campus?
- Hell, yeah, I do.

- Do you wanna freak out for a second?
- Mm-hm.

- Go nuts.
- Twenty minutes away!

You're only gonna be
20 minutes away.

Can't even tell it was there, can you?

No. But I'll always know.

I didn't want everyone over here.

I woke you up on purpose.

You know those thumps you heard?
When they weren't looking,

I banged the broom
on the ceiling, right... there.

I... I didn't do that.

Look, I like having a wife
who rules the house.

I mean, that's why I chose you,
but sometimes I feel like

you police me too much.
Why are you laughing?

You chose me?

That is pretty silly.

Anyway, sometimes I like
having the house to myself at night.

It's the only time
I feel like it's all mine.

Twenty minutes away!

He's only gonna be 20 minutes away!

Yay! Is that my necklace?

Oh, God. Don't be crazy.

I don't understand why I'm here.

I figured out a way to get you your
drama fix whenever you need it

without it ever messing us up.

Oh, man. Why is she here?

Dad, please try to be civil.

- OK.
- Oh, thanks, Mr. Frank.

- You have a dumb voice.
- Dad, I'm warning you.

- You think you can take me?
- What happened last Christmas?

That doesn't count. I was drunk!

Smith!

Well, I'm just gonna go
drive off the bridge on the 16th.

Oh! It's 4:20.

How great is this?

Twenty-two minutes door-to-door,

and that girl just asked me
what time it was.

She probably thinks
I'm a student here.

Probably. Or she noticed
you have a watch.

Well, we'll never know.

Hey, remember Nick Bartel?
He's a freshman.

I texted him that I was here. He said
I could crash at his place tonight.

- Is that cool?
- Oh, tonight?

- Yeah.
- Sure.

This place rocks.

I haven't even started,
and I never want to go home.

- That's great.
- Well, see ya.

OK.

Hey, you're gonna be OK
driving home alone, right?

Have a nice night, sweetie.

Even if he's only 20 minutes away,
he's still leaving.

I know.

Then why didn't you tell me?

I should have.

Come on. Let's get you inside.

I don't feel like walking.

Oh. Are you up?

Yeah. And I'm dizzy.

I can't believe you would go
through all that with your dad

just to make me happy.

No one's ever cared
about me that much before.

I do.

It's too scary.

Is this what it's like
to be in a good relationship?

Don't answer. I'm just...
I'm feeling too vulnerable,

and vulnerable women
are dangerous.

I know I'm being ridiculous,

but you just don't know how it feels.

To be lonely?

I think I do.

But what the hell?

I guess sometimes you just
have to go for it, right?

Especially when, maybe deep down,

it's what you've wanted all along.

Wow.

Is it gonna kill the mood if I go
brush my teeth and shave my legs?

- Yeah.
- Fine.

Good thing I'm not a bitch.

Oh, yeah.