Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 18 - Turn This Car Around - full transcript

Where's Jules?
The show's about to start.

I can't believe you guys get together
every week to watch this crap.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Travis! One of these young singers is
going to be this country's next Idol.

- Do you hate America, Travis?
- I do.

While we wait,

we should watch Andy's
old stand-up tape from college.

- What was your catch phrase again?
- Bitches be loco!

That's funny, 'cause it's true.

- You could've killed me!
- Calm down.

No, you calm down!



She was talking on her phone
the whole time she was driving.

- We almost hit a cop.
- It was a crossing guard.

If it was a cop, I would've slowed down
when she started chasing us.

You can blow that whistle all you want,
sweetie. No gun, no brakie.

Oprah says talking on your cell
while you drive is crazy dangerous.

Does Oprah say anything about how lame
it is for grown-ass men to watch Oprah?

No, she loves us.

Who wants wine?

- Me!
- Right here.

All right.
That's five yes's and a nice try.

Look, I have to talk on my cell phone
because I'm a real estate agent.

Besides, I'm not afraid of Oprah.

- She's not a god.
- Take that back.

- Andy?
- Bitches be loco.



Mm. Ah!

You know, they say you can get four
glasses of wine out of one bottle.

I only get, like, one and a half.

All right, come and get it.

Hurry, the show's about to start!

All right, hurry,
let's go, let's go!

All right, but no spilling.

- Travis, you coming?
- Nope.

I have a life.

If I find your other shoe,
I'll mail it to you.

- Hurry, come here.
- See ya.

Go ahead.

She's so young,
she might actually be from the future.

Does her dad work on the moon?

- That's great. Can I go now?
- Not till we celebrate.

Girl chest pump.

- Oh, Tom...
- It's my birthday.

Do it for him.

- Bing!
- Bing!

All right, we're here.

What's the big surprise?

Been thinking about how bad I'll miss
you when you go to college next year.

Ah! You got pictures of him.
Let's focus on who'll never leave you.

- Bing!
- That was the plan.

Then, I saw this dude.

Pow!

- Yeah!
- Holy mother!

Aww, you got a pony.

Hey, Travis, you look a little hungry.

I name all my favorite things Travis.

I'm oddly flattered.

Whoa!

Calm down, big fella!
Be careful for little Travis.

You don't call me Travis.

Oh! I hate talking to you while you're
driving. Promise me you're being safe.

I'm being totally safe.
I'm knee-driving.

- Jules!
- Hey, I'm not the only one!

Buddy!

- We both did finger guns.
- Focus, Jules.

You're meeting with the Petersons.
Remember their house has that...

Fence!

Mr. And Mrs. Peterson, hey!

Let me tell you why I'm the
right person to sell your house.

Well, let me get my listing agreement.

This is a great merlot and I can sell
you a case of it at an amazing price.

It's nice, Sara, but the name
is throwing me. Hurpes?

It's French. It's Hurpes. I'm gonna
put you down for three of them.

And I'll throw in an extra case
if you take me out for dinner.

- Are you serious?
- Be careful.

Check out the outfit. Long sleeve
shirt with a t-shirt over it.

Does he chase after young tail?

His house is like a clown car
for barely legal bimbos.

- Do you two know each other?
- No.

Tell you what. If you ever wanna have
a meal with a grown-up, give me a call.

And I'm as old as two 20-year-olds, so
maybe it'll feel like a m?nage a trois.

French.

Thanks for the Hurpes.

- It's an inside joke.
- It sounds hilarious.

Honey, I told you not to talk
on your cell while you were driving.

Laurie, I almost died.

- Where's my wine?
- All the glasses are in the dishwasher.

Use that squeezie bottle
I take to spin class.

I am so not ready to die.

- Here's your medicine.
- What about my funeral?

Do you guys even know
what song I want to be played

when I'm being lowered in the casket?

George Michael's Faith.

That's a lucky guess.

Laurie, do you remember your speech?

"She was more than my best friend.
She was my life."

Then I sink to my knees and I scream.

All right, if it feels right,
you can throw up.

- Done.
- Yeah, sure, sure.

Travis, honey, come here.

If I die, I need to know that

- you will never be able to move on.
- How about I grieve for a few months

but then I look for you
in every girl I date?

Deal.

What? This is not funny.

When I'm gone, who's gonna
help you not become too closed off?

- Hmm?
- And Laurie,

who's gonna make sure
that you believe in yourself?

- Well...
- You know,

most people, when they have
a near-death experience,

they take a hard look
at their own lives.

Well, I don't have
any really obvious vices.

What?

Oh! Man, that is good.

Cougar Town 1x18 - Turn This Car Around

And I need to take
a look at my own life.

Can you believe that I spend
as much money on wine as I do food?

I was surprised, too.
I'm gonna have to cut back on the vino.

Yeah, change things up a bit.

Jules, at our age, we are who we are.
There's no more changing.

Well, if that's true, then how am I
gonna have my antique store in Paris?

- That's easy. You're not.
- You just lost your discount.

Oh...

I'm still young enough
to totally change who I am.

- We can only hope.
- Come on, I can still change.

That is why I have decided to stop
drinking wine for one month.

Bye.

Why would you do that? You only have,
like, two glasses of wine a night.

I just came back for that.
Bye, again.

He eats bananas fast.

Still, I've decided to stop drinking
wine for one month

and it's gonna start right now.

Then, it's goodbye for a while.

But I love Wine Jules.

Wine is part of some
of our best memories.

To Monday!

To Monday!

Oh, that was a good Monday.

But, still, there are plenty of times
that we have fun without drinking.

- Wait, am I the blue train?
- Who cares? Just roll.

I got wine!

Oh, right. We got wine.

So, you're divorced.
How'd your marriage fall apart?

Wow, that is kind of an "after I put my
napkin in my lap" kind of question.

Fine, why don't you ease us into some of
that banter you use on the young gals?

Usually, we'll start with middle
names and then go to favorite numbers

and then if things are going really well
we'll go to kittens versus puppies.

I like puppies more because
they tickle and they lick you.

Let's just do this.

Now, are you close with your folks?

- Not a great area.
- OK...

Do you see yourself
getting married again?

Also a trouble zone.

One time I was trekking through
Nepal and I had to act out

"where can I get a tampon" to a monk.

This conversation? Harder than that.

Come on! Let...
What's your favorite...

- What's your favorite number?
- Three.

Three? Three's pretty cool.

Oh, my God.

Mine's five.

What the hell?

You're 20 minutes late.

- Is that my co-captain's hat?
- He likes to wear it.

Hey, sorry I'm late.
Travis needed a walk. Come on!

His brain loves pancakes
but his tummy does not.

You've been spending
all your time with him.

Watch out, boy.

Elevator, Trav!
Good boy!

- Did you make this for him?
- Yeah.

The boat's tough on Travis. My bed's
too small for him to lie across my feet,

so we sleep face to face.

Bet his nose is cold and gross.

Yeah, it is at first,
but my nose warms his up.

Well, are you just gonna sit there
and torture me by drinking wine?

- We're in a bar.
- Just let me smell it.

- What is that?
- Syphilis.

- Hurpes.
- Hurpes.

- Have a sip.
- OK, stop it.

I'm gonna do this.

Grayson, you believe in me, don't you?

What is it with women your age
needing to know how I feel?

Oh, no. Did someone not
have fun on his big-boy date?

"What happened in your marriage?
Are your parents nice?

What are your hopes and dreams?"
Who cares?

Why can't we just talk
how real people talk?

- That is how real people talk.
- Zinger!

- Come here, you.
- All right.

- Bing!
- Bing!

No, no bing.

Oh, yes, bing.

Oh, Tom!

Look, I just prefer younger women.

They're simpler.
Their hair smells like fruit.

They're just more fun.

Are they still more fun
after the sex is over?

That's when they are the most fun.

- So pathetic.
- Yeah.

That's worth a "bing."

- Hey, Trav, your hair looks good.
- Thanks!

Kind of trying a new look.

Not you, Trav. Him, Trav.

This is gonna be years of fun.

I'm gonna go get a camera and take
a picture of my supermodel, yeah, buddy!

So, you thought you could just waltz on
in here and steal him away from me

with that cute hound dog face?
Well, guess what, pallie?

I can make that face, too.

- Bobby, he's gonna kill me!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you talking about?

He's a big ole sweetie,
aren't ya buddy?

Don't be acting weird, Andy.

Oh, you're good.

Oh, my God. That was, like, so hot.

Hey, I know earlier I said four is my
favorite number, but it's really six.

I was just scared
you'd think I was a dork.

So what do you wanna do now?

Sometimes being quiet is fun.

Dial Laurie.

- Hello?
- Bobby? Stupid phone.

Hey, I'm sorry to call you so early.

It's just that I've stopped drinking,
so I have all this energy.

I mean, it's six and I'm up!
It's like I'm a farmer.

Oh!

What's that noise?
Do you have a girl there?

Without wine, I just feel better.
I sleep better.

I even remember my dreams.

You know, in one,
I was my own Siamese twin.

I had this tiny little right side.

My left side had to push her around
in a little cart with wheels.

We had this great fianc? named Jason.

Does this story go on much longer?

Just until my tiny half murders him.

But in his defense, I will say
she was really buggy. Wow.

I'm painting your mailbox!

Seriously, Jules? Mandarin?

Hey, Ellie!

Where are you guys?

No one's answering their phones
and our favorite show's about to start.

All right, I know this sounds crazy but
it seems like everyone's dodging me.

There you are!

The show's over but I DVR'd it.

No spoilers, but the dead brother guy?
Sang Cat's In The Cradle.

Tear fest.

- Jules?
- And there's no wine,

but I did buy everybody these little
environmentally-friendly water bottles.

Oh!

They even have clips
so you can put 'em on your belt.

OK, I guess I'm just
gonna have to start.

Start what?

"Jules, your friends are here
because the choices you've made

are hurting the people that you love."

What the hell is this?

This is an intervention, sweetie.

Mom,

you need to start drinking again.

Seriously?

Nothing could ever make me stop
loving you, except you not drinking.

Twelve steps, shemlve steps.
Alcohol makes people fun.

I wrote a few things down.

"This is silly."

That's all I wrote,
'cause I think this is silly.

No.

I will not drink.

I can't believe you guys.
Especially you two.

I support both of you
with everything you do.

And if you do something stupid,
I don't rub your noses in it.

I mean, I may tell strangers
at the grocery store,

but if they laugh at you, I say,
"No, you can't laugh at my friends."

Because that's the kind
of person that I am.

- Bitches be loco.
- Es verdad.

If no one has anything else to say,
I'd like you all to leave.

Hey, hey!

If you guys aren't taking these,
can I have 'em?

They're great.

Come on,

just walk him for me.

Of course that's why you called me.

Careful, ARod, dogs smell jealousy.

- No, they smell fear.
- What am I thinking of?

- Bees?
- No, bees smell joy.

That's why they ruin picnics.
I need my two best friends to get along.

I don't want ya'll coming back
until you make peace.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You know how if you eat too much
of a certain type of candy

you never want it again? Well, that's
how I feel about young girls.

Is that the signal you decided on
for when you're not following me?

- It was.
- I am sick of young, silly girls.

I like older gals. It's just easier.

You get to know each other, have sex,
decide who apologizes to who

and then... on your way.

Yeah, but women our age
just wanna mess with your head.

It's like they know exactly
what to say to freak you out.

Commitment!

What do you want?

Honey, you were right.

As your best friends,
we should've just been there for you.

Regardless of which one of us
is your best, best friend.

Obviously, me.

Anyway... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Jules,
I just wanted to win so bad.

- I hope you two learned something...
- Wait.

Is your tongue purple?

- Stick it out!
- I think you two should leave now.

Her lips are purple, too!
She's been drinking wine!

J'accuse!

What is this? CSI?

So, he wouldn't even tell you
if he likes his parents?

Plus, to be cool,
he called the waiter "bro."

That's weak, dude.

- Dude's still OK, right?
- Dude's timeless.

This is so much fun.

Look, Sara, I'm really sorry
that our date made you so angry.

I wasn't angry, I was just disappointed.

You know, with how boring you were.

You're calling me boring?

Not really a hidden message, dude.

Don't you have to get
back to your horse dog?

He's on a play date.

Bobby! Stop this crazy thing!

Bobby, Bobby!

Look, honey, life is just too short.

If you can't be real with someone,
then you're just not that interesting.

I mean, not to me, anyway.

Me, neither.

Sorry, I just got caught up in it.
She's a fox!

Know what's weird? After all that,
I don't even want this anymore.

Really?

Mmm!

No. It's like finding my missing child,
but in a glass.

Congratulations, Ellie,
you were right.

I can't change. I can't.
Not even a little bit.

Ah! This stuff is delicious but man,
it just tastes so empty.

Jules, reel it in.
Don't get all weird and poignant.

Cherish the years, Laurie.

- And we're off.
- Oh, boy.

I mean, you're still young. You've got
big changes around every single corner.

You can still dream about
being a painter or a pastry chef.

Or an antique store owner in Paris
who sells such beautiful old clocks

that they put her picture
on the cover of magazines.

I don't think they put your picture
on magazines for selling clocks?

Ah! You know what sucks
about getting older?

You still have all the same dreams
that things are gonna be different,

you know, in a year
or ten years, 20, whatever.

But deep down inside, you know those
dreams aren't gonna come true.

I just get out of bed every day
and I say, "Oh, this is it."

You know? "I am who I am."

And then I'll die.

Maybe you are done changing.

That's maybe a good thing.

'Cause you're already such
an amazing person and a great friend

and an incredible mother.

- Nope, didn't help.
- OK.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Oh!

I wanna go home!

You know what? Enough!

I don't like you, you don't like me.

You wanna have it out?
Let's have it out right here, right now!

Come on! What are you, chicken?

Come on, let's do it.

Pip-pop! Pip-pop! Ooh!

In your face!

Whoa!

- Hey!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look...

Just for the record,
I did not call that waiter "bro."

I called him "Joe."

- That's his name.
- Really?

No, it's Donnie, but "bro"
is still cool and you know it.

All right, fine. You want real?

You're an annoying woman.

Yeah. We sat for two seconds
before you started peppering me

with questions about
what I want from life.

Just let me have a piece of bread
and then I'll tell you

if you're gonna have my baby, OK?

Look, I was married to a woman
who betrayed me so completely

that I almost lost all capacity
to care about anything or anyone.

But I'm supposed to trust you because
you smiled at me over a glass of wine.

Give me a break.

- What just happened?
- You got interesting.

- Help me!
- Did you just hear something?

Please, somebody!
Get over here and help me!

Are you ever gonna stop moping?

Why are we stopping?

Are you gonna kill yourself
on the side of the road?

Don't be selfish. Do it at home.

It's a call from a client.

After the accident, I don't talk
on the phone anymore when I drive

because it's too dang...

Oh, my God! Ellie, I've been doing
this for years and I just stopped.

Bite me! I can still change!

I just almost have to die first.

Hey, I bet if I almost died
from drinking wine,

- I could stop doing that, too.
- I'm not sure that's a great point.

I win, world! I'm gonna
have an antique shop in Paris!

That's right! I'm gonna be
on the cover of magazines!

That is not cool!

You guys swear you're OK?

We got it all out.

Then shake on it.

- No.
- Don't leave him hanging, Andy.

There it is!

Friends forever.

This ain't over.
See you tomorrow, Bobby!

See you later!

Ooh!

Well played.