Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 17 - Counting on You - full transcript

Jules, I have been chosen
by the group to talk to you.

You look insane. It's time
to take that thing off.

(Chuckles)
I am never taking this off,

and before you judge me,
touch it. Hmm?

I dare you.
I dare all of you.

(All) Ooh.

You're saying that deep down
every guy is a little bit gay?

It's science. To prove it,
you just have to set a gay trap.

A what? Hey, Andy, what's the
name of that Bette Midler song

that she sings in "Beaches"?
"Wind Beneath my Wings."

A gay trap.
You're a little gay.



(Laughs)
(Laughs)

But I know how to turn it off
when it counts, right, babe?

Sometimes. Sometimes in bed he calls me "champ."
One of my best guy friends, Neil Goldman,

taught me about gay aps
in High School.

I always had a lot of guy friends. No, you
always had a lot of guys hanging around,

hoping they'd eventually
get a chance to nail you.

Guys aren't really friends
with girls.

That is such a clichã©.

Right, because clichã©s about men
and women aren't based in truth.

Great point, champ!

That was a bad moment
for me.

Well, I have tons
of guy friends. See?

Have you slept with any of them? Yeah, I've
slept with all of them, but only as friends.

Jules, tiny eyes is right.
I have tiny eyes?



When Andy and I first met,

we were in the same circle
of friends, but basically

it was just a doink chain that I worked my
way around. And guess who she got to last? Ow.

I don't have tiny eyes.

You do, brother.
You're like a ferret.

(Sighs)

Did you guys join a cult?
Feel it.

You're all wrong.
Last night on the news,

there was a bear and kitten,
and they were best friends.

If they can do it, so can men and
women. Mm-hmm. How'd that story end?

The bear killed the kitten...

After getting too frisky
with it. All right. Ohh.

Cool t-shirt.

That's almost purple.
What color do you call that?

Fuchsia. Gay trap! You're
a little gay. (Chuckles)

So uncool
to gay trap your own son.

Aw, it's just a game.
Come on.

It's like that one where you
act out movie titles... charades?

Double gay trap! (Laughs)

I'm not a huge fan of this game,
but it is better than hand fart.

Is it?
(Chokes) Good... God.

So my buddy Carl bailed
on our fishing trip to Georgia.

Do you wanna come?
Why don't you take Andy?

Naw, Andy can't go.
You know, he's busy

with work and the baby
and whatnot, so...

Hey, he never answered me.
He answered without answering.

Well, that's just confusing.
I'll go fishing with you.

(Laughs)
Oh, I don't know, Trav.

You know,
we'll be sleeping outside

and brushing our teeth
with pinecones.

It's kind of a man trip. Well, I am
insulted, but we'll get back to that.

Why can't you just bring a toothbrush? Same reason
why I'm not bringing my cholesterol medicine.

(Chuckles) I'm on vacation.

Morning, intruders.
Mm.

Where's Ellie?
She's still in bed.

She took one of
her sleeping pills last night,

but she hates losing ntrol,
so she always fights it.

For God sake,
just go to sleep.

You go to sleep.
I'm not tired.

Sometimes she gets horny,
and we hit it...

But it feels wrong,
'cause she never remembers it.

(Sighs loudly)

All right. What's up?

Not being able to go fishing
with Bobby made me realize

that I'm always either at work
or with the family.

I never have anyime for just me. You
should probably tweet about your feelings.

Seriously,
look at my face.

You see how I can't hide w bored
I am by your problems? Totally.

Yeah, okay,
well, when you tweet it,

it goes out into the universe
to all these clueless people,

and you can pretend that they'r. Well,
that's deep. You should tweet that.

(Keys click) "Way ahead
of you, I told him."

You just need
to shapw things up a bit.

You know, when I get into a rut,
I whip out my naughty underwear.

It makes me feel sexy...
Until about 4:00,

when I realize no one's ever gonna see it. The only
time I have for just me is my drive to and from work.

How am I supposed
to shake that up?

Oh, God! This is so good!
Ohh! (Laughs) Ohh!

So that's
Andy's orgasm face? Hmm.

(Chuckles) I convinced Andy
to buy Laurie's old motorcycle.

Oh, and I almost forgot,
you're a jerk.

What, are you still mad

about the whole guys and girls befriends thing? Well,
it's like saying that we aren't even real friends.

I just meant that...

Men and women can't be friends
without a sexual undercurrent.

Look, we find each other
attractive.

We're flirty.
That's our dynamic.

(Laughs) We are so not.

But we would never act
on it,

because we both know
it would end in disaster,

so we became "friends

no, we became "friends,"
because-

no, wait. I don't want
to use the air quotes.

We became "friends"...

Oh, forget it.

Hey, Jules. Do you want me
to water your flowers?

Oh, hey, Tom. (Chuckles)
See? Nice friend.

Oh, yeah. He definitely wants
to water your flowers.

(Laughs) No, and gross!

Are the flowers my face?

Ha ha! That was amazing!

You think you're ready to
go solo? Wait one second.

(Rock music playing)

Did you guys imagine me in slo-mo like
I asked? (Jules and Laurie) We did.

Let's do this!

Did you guys imagine me in slo-mo like
I asked? (Ju(Engine revving, thud).

I'll buy it!

Hey, dad, you know
I don't have a fishing pole.

You've got an extra one,
right?

Poles? (Laughs)
We don't need poles.

We're noodling, baby.

Hmm. Do I want to know
what that means?

Odling is a special kind
of redneck fishing, my friend.

See, you go into a muddy Lake,
and you find a big hole

where a catfish is
protecting its eggs,

and you catch it by getting it
to eat the noodle.

So what'the noodle?

Your arm's the noodle.

Holy gods! What-
(Laughs)

(Imitating motorcycle revving)
(Door opens and closes)

Somebody left a motorcycle
in our driveway.

Go drive over it, and then
find out who it belongs to.

It's my new hog.
I bought it from Laurie.

How could you do that
without asking me?

I- I asked you last night.

Can I get a motorcycle?
I like turtles.

You look good. Get naked.

Fine.

That doesn't count.

Whose stupid idea was it
to buy a motorcycle?

(Imitates bird calling)

Okay,
that's the Ellie alarm.

Come on, guys. Quick!
Travis, go lock the back door.

Bobby, get the front.
This is not a drill!

Do it like we practiced. (Sighs)
Aah! (Horror film theme plays)

What? I thought it was funnier
with the knife. (Exhales deeply)

so who gave you permission
to give Andy permission

to buy a motorcycle? I'm sorry. It's
just that he was wearing his blumfy,

and he looked so sad.
I'll only ride it to work.

Only to work, Ellie. And I'll walk
it through all the intersections,

'cause I'm not great at turning yet. Do you know
what doctors call people who drive motorcycles?

Modern day cowboys?
Sexy rebels?

Popular? Organ donors.
It's not happening.

Jules,
I'm about to behave childishly.

I'd appreciate it if you'd
turn around. No problem.

(Whines)

Ah,
prepare to be proven wrong.

Sounds fun. About what?
(Cell phone beeping)

We're searching through
Jules's old guy friends,

trying to find one who didn't want to
sleep with her. Oh, hi, Gil. This is-

yeah, Jules. (Laughs)

Wow, I can't believe
you recognized my voice.

I haven't talked to you
since junior high.

Oh,
you've been following me. Sweet.

How? Like, in the paper
or online?

Oh, just regular following.

Well, bye, Gil.

(Chuckles)
What a kook, huh?

No gloating.
Status report, Laurie?

Uh...
Your friend Bob-

you know, the one in the
wheelchair? Oh, wheelchair Bob, yeah

he just e-mailed us back.
(Types)

He says, "remember
beer hockey. L.O.L."

(Laughs) He's such a goof.
(Laughs) He sounds like such a goof.

He also said
that you should call him,

because he's regained
feeling down there. Oh, shoot!

(Chuckles) I mean, good
news for Bob, but... shoot!

(Insects buzzing,
duck quacking in distance)

How great is this?
So great.

Let's noodle.

So first things first
- we gotta find a good hole. Define "good hole."

Define "good hole"
in regards to noodling.

It's a hole
with a catfish in it.

Alls you gotta do is just shove
your arm down in there.

Is there any skill in this?
I got nothin'.

Well, is catfish
at least delicious?

Tastes like butt.

Dad, I'm trying,
but why would anyone do this?

(Lowers voice) Because...

(Normal voice) This is why, baby!
Aah! Kill it, kill it, kill it!

Whoo-hoo! (Laughs) Ohh. This is a big one.
God, no! God, no! (Lowers voice) Bkill it!.

Why do you have to make every decision
for me? Because you don't think!

Oh, I don't think?
No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, when did
this turn into a real fight?

How far into it are we? Being
married to you is exhausting!

All right,
that's about the midway point.

I say we all just... calm down.
Jules, I know you get scared

when people you care about
fight. It makes me lose my breath.

I know, sweetie, but don't try
to derail this argument

and put the focus on you. Now
you're telling her what to do.

Andy, so help me God,

if you open that churro hole of yours one more time
- I had sex in your house.

Right over there. So? We conceived
stan on your kitchen island.

I think
it's time for you to go.

I just want you guys
to be fine...

Or at least closer to fine.

Isn't that a song? Who-who
sang that the indigo girls.

Lady gay trap!
You're lady gay. (Chuckles)

It's probably not the time.

Don't try
to make her smile.

I've spent my entire life
trying to make her happy,

but she never tries
for me!

Sometimes I don't even know why
I rried you. Right back at you!

That's too far. Everyone's
going too far. I'm outta here.

Good. Go! (Gasping) I can't
- I can't breathe.

Hey, Andy, you still haven't
paid me for the bike,

and I have a strict "you
breait, you buy it" policy

on everything, and, honey,
I mean everything.

See these? Fake.
(Taps)

Yeah, my ex-boyfriend entered me
in a foxy boxing competition,

and the bitch who knocked these
out paid the ultimate price.

She died in her sleep.
I think it was karma.

You know, or maybe
it was just her time.

(Starts engine)

Point taken.
Time to go taste some freedom.

(Engine revving)

(Thud)

Oh!

Yeah, bike's okay.

My whole right side
kept it from hitting the ground.

(Mouths word, laughs)

(Engine revving)

You okay? I'd give you
a shoulder to cry on-

you know, if I had one.

(Pouring liquid) Have you
ever had one of those days

where just everything goes
wrong? My Nana died last Thursday.

I didn't make it to the hospital
before she passed,

because I ran over my
own dog. (Door opens)

(Door closes)
You had to top me, Tom.

Tom,
what are you doing here?

He's being a great friend-
a great guy friend.

Come on.
Friend shake, Tom.

(Slaps, smacks)

(Smacks)
(Mouths word)

(Snaps)
Friends.

That seems like something you
could reproduce again and again.

I'm gonna go check on Ellie.

Poor girl.
She's having a rough time.

Ginger tea?
(Door opens)

(Door closes)
(Chuckles) I tell you...

No, I-I know
what you're doing, Tom.

I'm not sure
what's going on.

Jules is in a d way,
so...

(Southern accent)
Here comes good old Tommy

with his magic ginger tea.
(Chuckles)

(Normal voice)
You pull any crap with her,

and you'll answer to me.

Now you can lock
your doors,

but I live
right next to you, Tom.

I'll just jump on your roof

and come right down
your damn chimney,

but I won't be bringing
any presents. Unh-unh.

Not unless you asked Santa
for the heel of my boot.

Uh... I'm feeling
really uncomfortable.

(Whispers) Good.
(Slaps arm)

Okay, Trav, you're up.

There's a hole
right beneath me.

You're sure I'm only
gonna find catfish in there?

Absolutely.

Or a snake.

Or a baby gator.

(Laughs) Or a regular gator.

Just do it.

There's nothing to be afraid of,
all right? Look.

Oh!
Dad!

Dad? Dad! Aah!
Gator bite!

What the hell?! (Laughs)
Classic noodling prank.

That's it.
I'm not doing this.

Come on. I'm just trying to make us a
memory. Well, I'll mention it at your eulogy.

Is this whole thing
my fault?

Absolutely. That's why
I ordered the expensive wine.

Mmm. Well,
that's confusing,

because this punishment
is delicious.

I know it seems like I'm making
a big deal about a motorcycle,

but they're so dangerous,

and if anything bad
ever happened to Andy,

I don't know what I would do.
I love him so much.

Well, why didn't you
just say that?

Because you don't reward
your husbands

when they do something idiotic. What are you, new?
Well, if I caused this rift, then I'm gonna fix it.

There's nothing to fix.

We've been through fights
like this a thousand times.

It's no big deal. Ah, see? It's
Andy. (Cell phone rings, beep)

Hey, stan's baby dance recital
is this afternoon.

Don't be late. I'm gonna stay
on Bobby's boat for a few days.

Oh.

Okay.

Bye.
(Beep)

(Beep)

Well, that's new.

Mmm.

I'm sorry.
It's just so good.

(Ellie) It is not okay
for him to just bail

and go sleep somewhere else without
trying to talk it out. I know.

If Andy does not go
to stan's recital,

I swear,
I'm gonna change the locks.

This is just between us, okay? I
won't tell a soul. You all heard that,

so technically
I'm not telling you anything.

I mean, what is Andy doing?

This is why I usually don't
meddle in people's lives.

Actually
- not the time to call me on it.

I remember when
my dad walked out on my mom

for the first time,
and she was crushed.

And then a month later,
when she realized

that he had taken
me and my sister with him,

it got even worse...
But then she found us in cabo,

and it turned out to be
the best family vacation ever,

until we decided
to go horseback riding. Okay.

So this one horse was pregnant, and we didn't know it, and its
- there has to be a stopping point.

I've never seen Ellie like this. Really?
Because I've only seen her like this.

You know, if they don't get
a handle on this fight,

then it's-
it's gonna be trouble.

All right, who wants to come
with me to get Andy? I'll go.

No, Tom. I'll go.

Was he pointing
to his eyes?

I- I couldn't tell.
(Door closes)

They're really tiny.

Who are you?

Ahh. Yeah.

Sure wish
you would've caut one.

Then you might have
sothing to eat.

You're not gonna share
40 pounds of catfish?

So I didn't noodle.

(Sighs) Why are you being
so pissy about this?

You're acting like
that conservative blonde girl

who always gets in fights
on "the view."

Elisabeth hasselbeck?
(Singsong voice) Gay trap!

(Normal voice)
I'm taking a walk.

It's not fair!
They gang up on her.

(Scoffs)

Ugh. Butt.

I'm a man, Jules. She treats me like
a child! Just come down and talk.

Fine.

Aw, dude! It's not a
surgical gown. Hey, hey.

You gotta put clothes
underneath there.

Aw, fine.
I'll put on boxers.

And I need you to go
to stan's baby dance recital.

No! I will not do it. No, no, no,
no! Well, if you won't go as a parent,

you can go as a contestant. Do you know why
she doesn't want you to have a motorcycle?

Because she cares about you
so much,

she doesn't want anything
to happen to you.

Come on.
Let's go to the recital.

It already started,
like, two minutes ago.

You'll never make it. Traffic was bumper-to-bumper.
(Sighs) Okay, quick, grab Bobby's baseball helmet.

Why?

(Engine revving)

Too fast! Too fast!

This is how you turn right
without braking. Hold on!

(Tires screeching)
No!

Aah! Aah! Wow.
I almost fell off.

Be quiet!
(Laughs)

(Screaming)

(Tires screech) Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God!

(Brakes squeal)

I can't believe
we missed it.

If you hadn't jumped off the back at that stoplight
- I was scared for my life, Jules!

You're not safe. I'm taking
a cab back to Bobby's.

Oh, Andy. Come on!

Hey, Jules. Mm.

Feels good to have a lot of
power between your legs,

doesn't it?

Motorcycles are fun, too.

Do you just follow me around
waiting to say things?

Didn't make it, huh?

Come here.

Wow. You weren't kidding
about these narrow shoulders.

You must've shot out
of your mom like a bullet.

Tom? Wh-what are you doing
with your hand?

This one?
Nope. The other one.

Is that a problem?

Mm-hmm.

Hey.
(Knocks on door)

I just wanted toome in
and check on you. How you doing?

Jules sentou.
Bingo-bango.

Jules, get your tiny round ass
in here.

Hey, thanks
for the "round ass,"

'cause I've been doing lunges.
(Laughs)

I'm so sorry
I broke you and Andy.

Whatevs. Do you have any
red wine? I'm out of red wine.

Yeah, like 2,000 bottles.
Wha-can we be real?

I need
you and Andy to work.

You're the only couple

that makes me still believe
in marriage, you know?

Ohh. So lame.

I know, right?
Hey, I found some red.

Wait. You two made up?

Not yet, but we will.
Dummy.

Witch. Anybody want wine?

Always. What's happening?
I don't know, but I never know.

Jules is wigged-out
by our fight,

'cause she doesn't know
what it's like

to be in a good, healthy
marriage. Oh, yes, I do.

(Whispers) No, you don't.
I really don't.

Ãwhat's she gonna do?
Throw away our lives

because I pretended
to leave home for a night

and skipped
a baby dance recital?

Stan's 1.
I bet he didn't even move.

He peed himself
and then fell asleep.

(Wine pours) Jules, when
a marriage really works,

the tiny bumps
in the road don't matter.

You don't have to be scared,

'cause there's
never any real Jeopardy.

We have
a built-in safety net,

'cause we love each other
so much.

I'm gonna cry.

I'm not,

because my eyes are so tiny.

I'm owning it.

(Whiskeytown) ™ª don't wanna know
why you like me ♪

♪ I don't care ♪

skipping rocks?
What's your record?

Four.

It would've been more,
but I hit a duck.

I should feel bad,
but I don't. I hate ducks.

Yeah, me, too.

Well,
our mutual duck hatred

isn't gonna make everything
better. Okay, dad? (Water splashes)

I know.

Plus I love ducks.
(Laughs)

Seriously, they make me laugh
every time they quack.

(Laughs)

(Sighs)

Hey, look, Trav,
I don't care about noodling.

Remember how I didn't think
of you for this trip,

because I said
it was a man's trip?

Are you kidding?
I cherish that moment.

(Laughs) Look, when you were
just a young pup,

if I, uh, took you
into a Lake

and I asked you to stick
your arm down a giant hole,

you just would've done it.

Now you're 18. You said no,
and you bitched about it.

But, Travis,
you bitched like a man.

(Both laugh)

Well, this may be sappy,

but, uh, I don't know
if I'm quite ready yet

for you to be a grown-up.

I'm sorry if I acted
like Elisabeth hasselbeck.

It's all right.

You can do
the arm thing now,

if you want.

™ª

(ducks quacking)

(Laughs) Those guys!

™ª don't wanna know
how you're feeling ♪

(footsteps overhead)

™ª I don't care ♪

♪ don't want to know
when you'll meet me ♪

♪ I'm not there ♪

where were you?

Nowhere. He looks happy.

(Engine revving)

Whee-hee-hee-hee!

He gets to ride ten minutes
a day with supervision. Mm.

(Laughs) Yeah.
(Engine turns off)

Did I look like I was going
fast? So fast. But your time's up.

Oh, come on.
Fine. Just one more minute,

but I get
to take picturesf you.

Okay.
Okay.

(Revs engine)
(Camera shutter clicks)

You know,
I spent so much time

trying to separate
romance and friendship.

I guess if you're lucky,
you get both.

Yeah.

I want that someday,
you know?

Me, too.

But not now.

No. (Laughs)
Not now. Later.

(Engine revving)

(Thud)

You know, Jules,

even if there wasn't
a sexual... undercurrent,

I'd still be your friend.

Ohh.

It's not up to you.

Trav!

You here?

Trav!

(Quack)

(Laughs)
(Water splashes)

Hey, Trav,
where are you, buddy?

(Grunting and panting)

(Voice breaks)
I've never been more proud.

Hell, yeah.
Whoo!

Now can you get it off me?

The big one ate a smaller one
that's also on my arm. Uhh!

(Grunts)
That's my boy.