Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life (2016): Season 1, Episode 2 - How to Survive Insufficient Funds - full transcript

Hey, everybody. Cooper Barrett here.

This week's topic... money.

Or more precisely, what to
do when you don't have any.

For most of your young adult life,

you will be short on cash, and
that can be pretty discouraging.

You may even find yourself

in some pretty desperate situations.

Give me all your money.

Don't hurt us,

- Paula Abdul!
- Trust me,

this will eventually make sense.



♪ ♪

COOPER: My name is Cooper Barrett.

And my friends and I are
here to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

_

- (rock music playing)
- _

JOSH: Wow, this place is embarrassing.

I feel like I'm in a Whitesnake video.

Let's get out of here.

We haven't even talked to no ladies yet.

That's because you're huddled
around like Japanese monkeys.

What is this, a Sadie Hawkins dance?

Sadie who? Man, I don't
understand half the stuff

- you be sayin'.
- Look, Josh, you don't get it.



First, we kick back and act
like we don't need the ladies.

Yeah, then we make a little
eye contact, sashay over and...

And I'm like, "What's up, girl?

Do you collect candles
and vinyl figurines?"

And she's like, "Yeah.
Let's get married!"

I'm like, "Okay, I guess, if you wanna."

- No.
- No, not happening.

- COOPER: Do not say that.
- BARRY: We ain't saying that.

I got this.

You guys want to chip in or...?

Nah, you got it. No, we're...

All right, well, I'm out of here.

I suggest you guys follow, okay?

You guys have a business to run.

You got it. Right behind you, brother.

- Night-night.
- Give me some room, give me some room.

What do you guys say, one more?

The night is young.
Hell, yeah, one more.

- WOMAN: Hey.
- Hey.

- You're sexy.
- 'Cause I'm attractive.

Do you guys want to join me
and my girlfriends in VIP?

- I love you.
- What'd he say?

He said he'd love to.

- Come on.
- Here they come.

♪ Gimme money, money ♪

♪ Yo, money, money, money... ♪

♪ Yo, money, money, money ♪

♪ Girls, girls, cash, cash ♪

♪ Dizzee diz, I keep
the money coming in ♪

♪ £850 jeans covering my shins ♪

♪ 'Cause my legs are skinny,
but my wallet ain't thin ♪

♪ But every time I bust a
smile, it's a big money grin ♪

♪ And I can't stop grinning
'cause I don't stop winning ♪

♪ Everybody wanna bring it like
they knew me from beginning... ♪

Okay, guys, I'm calling
dibs on the redhead.

We have a real connection.

NEAL: What connection?! You
just called her the redhead.

Well, how am I supposed
to remember names?

There are so many of them.

And they look so good.

They're like giant walking candy.

That you want to spend
the rest of your life with.

Okay, so I say we be gentlemen

and let them all have sex with us.

ALL: Cheers.

Sex.

Okay, break.

Where'd they go?

(Cooper sighs)

Whoa, $1,100?

We had four bottles.

Was it four?

That's $1,400.

Did I die?

I feel like I died.

This is declined.

This is declined.

And this is a Dave &
Busters membership card.

Yep, been a member since 2003.

Run that again.

This 500's all I have, dude.

I'm not gonna be able
to make rent this month.

Same, and we're still 400 short. Barry?

Let me check my balance.

(coins clinking)

$47 and six yen.

All right, well, we
got ourselves into this.

We can get ourselves out.

Cannot believe you
guys got me out of bed

at 2:00 a.m. to pay your bill.

Sorry, Josh.

- Thank you, Josh.
- Thank you, Josh.

Yeah, yeah, get out of here.

Listen, Coop, I can't
keep bailing you out

every time you run up
a tab or you dent a car

or you break a neighbor's
window with your BB gun.

Okay, that happened
when I was ten. And 12.

And 14.

It was Dad's fault for
buying me the damn thing.

Yeah, well, I'm still paying
Mrs. Frank's medical bills.

Look, I promise I will
pay you back the moment

- I get the hangover cure off the ground.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, how's that going for
you? 'Cause the way I see it,

you're closing down a
bar on a Tuesday night.

And you spent all of your startup cash

on a company banner the
size of a football field.

Which is why Barry's no
longer in charge of purchasing.

Look, I know I need to take it
up a notch, and I'm going to.

Yeah, well, I hope so, because this is

the last time I'm bailing you out.

Okay, I don't need you to.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Good.
- Good.

You're adopted.

Listen, I'm sorry about that one.

- I'm sorry, but I'm j...
- Yeah, okay, let's do this.

Yeah.

I actually just joined
this adult kickball league.

- Shut up! I love kickball.
- You do?!

No, I... Well, I was one
of the founding members

- of We Do Kickin' Right...
- BOTH: "The first all-female

kickball team devoted
to straight ballin'."

- What?!
- Shut up! Come on!

How did you even hear about us?

We stopped playing, like, six years ago.

You kidding? You guys are legendary.

- Oh, now.
- You beat Saved by the Ball.

Well, more like "Saved
by the Bushwhackers."

(laughs)

(mimics laughter)

Oh, never mind him.

He's never rolled the rubber.

- Yeah?
- Pretty happy about that.

Oh, my God, okay, I got to go.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, go, go, go.
- Okay.

What is Kelly doing here?

Oh, she was nice enough to
babysit after Ramona canceled.

And we just got to chatting.

Why didn't you tell me
we had so much in common?

What? She's young and hip and you're...

so much more than that.

(gasps) We could be best friends.

Okay, don't get too excited.

Take a breath, you're
gonna freak her out.

You know what, you take a breath.

I am killing it.

KELLY: Okay, I'm going.

This was so much fun.

- Thank you so much.
- Oh, man, it was so much fun.

Oh, wait, let me pay you.

(laughing): I feel like I'm paying you

to spend time with me.

You whore.

(chuckles)

Okay.

Well, good night.

(door opens)

Yep, really killing it.

♪ ♪

Know what, guys? We need to prove

to Josh and all the doubters

that we're serious about
making this company a success.

All right, we have an awesome product,

a Web site ready to go.

A giant-ass banner.

Yeah, thank you,
Barry. And once we start

making some sales, our money
problems will be solved.

Okay, but rent was due yesterday.

- We need some fast cash.
- Aw, come on,

that's crazy talk. We've
lived here for years,

we've always paid on time.

Virgil will give us some leeway.

This next unit will be
available immediately.

Don't worry about the furniture.

It will be in the garbage.

♪ ♪

We may need some fast cash.

- _
- (sighs)

I can't move in with my mom again.

My new dad Kevin uses
my bedroom to make beer!

Dude, why don't you
just hit up Josh again?

He loves paying for you.

He said, literally, the opposite.

No, besides, that would
be admitting defeat.

All we have to do

is massively grow our
business overnight.

Any ideas how?

I still got the phone number

of that sports radio guy
I rear-ended last week.

Mr. Cowherd, we're a perfect fit.

I mean, you have
millions of listeners...

And we are in desperate
need of publicity.

Can I just get my insurance check, guys?

There's no way that's happening. But...

maybe you could read a commercial for us

on the air!

How 'bout I give you a
plug on my Periscope stream?

That would be amazing.

Okay.

(phone blips)

Hi, everybody!

If you're like me,

and you're being held against your will

by three overeager millennials,

call the police!

How'd that work for you
guys? (nervous chuckle)

Thanks for listening!

Well, that went about
as well as I expected.

I'm gonna go out and try
and scrounge up some money.

Suggest you guys do the same.

(car horns honking)

Yo, come to the festival.

COOPER: It's not just a
hangover cure, it's my dream.

And it's an emerging lifestyle brand

that will appeal to an
incredibly valuable demographic.

And your assets are
an old ice cream truck,

a Web site that has 12 hits,

and the world's largest banner?

And a dream.

Put-put... put down "dream."

Dream.

So, uh, how much do you
think you can lend me?

How about zero?

Seems low.

It's an average?

BARRY: People, wake up!

Two for one, two for one

on Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure!

It's like having a second liver, okay?

Come and get it!

We got it on sale! I'm here...

I'll have two Creamsicles, please.

I told you, this is not
a ice cream truck, okay?

This is for grown-ups.

My dad drinks.

This one's on the house.

Two for one!

Come on, we got one sale off right now.

I need two.

Can I get another one?

Thanks for seeing me, Mr. Borg.

It's always an open door, Neal.

You're one of our best employees.

Thank you. Uh, that's actually

what I wanted to talk
to you about today.

I've worked at the company
for a very long time,

and I've made a lot of money

- for us, and...
- (sobbing)

You're crying.

(sniffles)

I'm sorry, Neal.

It's... Oh, just Sharon's left me

and, uh, Mom's in the hospital.

Twins really need therapy,

so the bills are piling up.

Anyway, I've made a lot of
money for this company, and...

This is awkward, but, um...

do you think you could
spot me some cash?

I'm really not in any position...

It's just so hard right...

(inhales deeply, shudders) Oh, God...

(sobbing)

God bless you, Neal.

I meant to call her a
whore, not... a whore.

Do you think she took it the wrong way?

I don't know, but why don't we

talk about it for another nine hours?

I need to find out if she was offended.

Well, she works three
blocks from here, sweetie.

- Just go talk to her.
- No.

I can't do that. What
if I make things worse

by calling her a skank or something?

Okay.

I have an idea.

Why don't you just forget about it?

Or...

(groans weakly)

Thanks for getting me
in on such short notice.

You were smart to see me.

Your latissimus dorsi is
completely out of whack.

Yeah, every day's a struggle.

So, uh,

Leslie really loved hanging
out with you the other day.

You know, not everybody
gets her, you know,

- acerbic sense of humor.
- Right.

Oh, yeah, you got a
really big knot here.

- Yeah. Oh...
- Look, I'm actually really glad

that you brought up
Leslie's sense of humor,

because I just...

I needed her to know that...

- Oh.
- (door opens)

Your 4:15 is ready.

Thank you so much, Brinley.

(door closes)

She seems great.

So, to recap, Virgil's
threatening to kill the power,

I can't get a loan,

and now we're also stuck with the bill

for your boss's divorce lawyer.

Yeah, but we're on a payment plan, so...

(chuckling)

Once again, Barry has saved the day.

- Never happen.
- Once again?

I found a way to solve
our money problems.

Guaranteed cash, risk-free, baby.

(scoffs) Drug trials?

BARRY: What's so funny, man?

I met this chill homeless dude

down the street, and he
just told me he made $5,000.

The only thing he had to do

was take one pill that
made his toe fall off.

Okay, hard pass. We're
not that desperate.

BARRY: Man, it's only one...

- ...toe.
- And Virgil killed the power.

They pay cash up front?

Perfect. Money problem solved.

And, minus rent and expenses,
we're even up 175 bucks.

(grunts) Yes!

And we still have 30 toes between us.

31.

Have you guys seen this
list of side effects?

"Sweating, itching, hallucinations,

- hair loss, spontaneous bruising of the..."
- Oh, relax.

The doctor said the drug would be
out of our systems in six hours.

(bell dings)

Besides, we probably got a placebo.

We definitely got the placebo.

I can't feel my face.

(groaning)

Ooh, that placebo got
some mean side effects.

Can't hear you. Too itchy.

Guys...

That's Paula Abdul.

- Oh, my God!
- Whoa!

(alarm chirps)

- She's a triple threat.
- Guys.

Why are we having a hard time
selling the hangover cure?

Because modern capitalism is a farce

with only the illusion
of upward mobility.

Yeah, what he said.
Open your eyes, Coop.

No. Because we haven't
built any product awareness.

And I'm about to change that.

Ms. Abdul. Sorry to bother you.

- May I have a moment of your time?
- What's this?

This is $7 billion.

See, back in 1984, the soft drink market

had three categories:

water, juice and soda.

I like the label.

- That's my grandma.
- I did the clip art.

See, this is the next seismic shift

in the beverage industry,
and we want to offer you

the chance to get in
on the ground floor.

You know what?

I'm in.

(cheering and whooping)

- Guys.
- Hmm?

You're very sweaty.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

Hey. How'd it go?

- Was she offended? Was Kelly offended?
- Oh, uh, uh...

yeah, we, uh... yeah, we...
we started to talk about it.

- Okay.
- Uh, you know, touched on it.

- Good.
- Brushed up against it.

- Okay.
- Uh...

and then, you know, it
just got a little awkward.

What is the use of you?

We just need to all hang out

so that she knows I'm not weird.

I'm gonna make that happen.

(ringtone playing)

Hello?

Hey, girl.

Uh, you've got Leslie
and Josh on the line.

What... Ow! What's up, Kelly?

Oh, hey, guys. What's up?

JOSH: Hey, oh, uh, we were just, uh,

saying how much we...
you know, we like you.

Really like you.

LESLIE: And, um... and how much fun

it would be if the
three of us got together.

- The three of us?
- LESLIE: Yeah.

Yeah, you come up to the house,

- have a few drinks.
- Yeah.

- LESLIE: No Gracie.
- JOSH: Mmm.

LESLIE: Just pure adult time.

And then just, um,

unwind and see where the night takes us.

How does that sound?

Different.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- That's dope.
- Yeah, it's on fleek.

LESLIE: Okay, I'll e-mail you the deets.

- Okay.
- (hangs up)

That was weird.

Not weird at all!

♪ It ain't fiction,
you know it's a fact ♪

- ♪ It's a fact ♪
- ♪ We come together ♪

♪ 'Cause opposites attract ♪

♪ Uh, two steps forward,
uh, two steps back ♪

♪ Two steps back ♪

♪ We come together 'cause
opposites attract. ♪

It ain't fiction. It's a natural fact.

There's nothing like

Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure.

Take it from me,

Paula Abdul.

Straight up.

And cut!

That was amazing, Paula
Abdul. Who needs Josh's money?

We got the money from
the trial to tide us over,

and once this video gets out,

- we're gonna be rolling in it.
- Yeah!

That was great, Paula. Did you
want to try it another way or...

Um, yeah.

How about we try it like this?

- Whoa, whoa. Whoa!
- Don't shoot!

Give me all your money.

Don't hurt us, Paula Abdul!

(buzzer sounds)

Why you keep calling me Paula Abdul?

Uh, Neal, what was
that third side effect?

Hallucinations.

Ah.

So we just got a major

product endorsement from a homeless man.

Sorry, boys.

Desperate times, desperate measures.

Give me the cash.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Uh-uh. We got a contract

that we signed today
at eleven forty-f...

Oh.

(sighs)

- ♪ It ain't fiction, you know it's a fact... ♪
- NEAL: Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

It ain't fiction, it's a natural fact.

You got to have sex appeal

when you're doing these type of videos.

He can shake his hips, though.

Barry's Homemade Natural Hangover Cure.

Take it from me, Paula Abdul.

You can't even see the label.

That's true.

(burps)

Why did we all see Paula Abdul?

That drug should not be approved.

I actually saw Janet Jackson;

I just didn't want to
say anything about it.

It's a good thing we're
befriending the homeless,

'cause they're gonna
be our neighbors soon.

Virgil's threatening
to change the locks.

Guys, I don't care what my brother

or some stupid loan officer says;

we're gonna get this business going.

I don't know, man.

Maybe Josh is right.

Maybe we're not cut
out to be entrepreneurs.

Maybe it's time to hang up my dreams,

pick up the family trade,
and become a heart surgeon.

HOMELESS MAN: Desperate
times, desperate measures.

Well, before you do that...

...I have one more idea.

In the words of a homeless man

we thought was a petite
early '90s dance icon...

desperate times, desperate measures.

♪ ♪

COOPER (whispering): Barry.

All right, go, go, go.

(indistinct radio chatter)

COOPER: Ready, go.

Go, go, go, go, go.

(grunts) What are you doing?

Go, go, go.

Go. Guys.

- COOPER: Come on!
- (Barry shouting)

BARRY: Let's get this done!

Why I got to carry this big-ass bag?!

COOPER: Come on, Barry.

(sobs)

- (sighs)
- All right, Neal, let's do this.

MAN (over video): ...very slowly
and carefully forced upwards.

Eventually, the split...

(Barry whooping)

Oh, my God.

(laughs)

Can you rewind it?

- I missed this one.
- (video rewinding)

- Right there! Leave it there!
- (video playing)

Just do it. Just do what he's...

- ...the barrel suddenly being allowed
- Go on. Go on.

- To rotate forward very slightly...
- Huh?

- (both yelling)
- Shh!

- No, no, no, just...
- Where?

- NEAL: You got it, you got it.
- BARRY: Ooh! Yeah!

Go, go, go, go.

(gate creaks)

I mean, I-I lo...
I love Josh and Leslie, I do.

But I can't believe
that they would go there.

If they are going there.

Because if they aren't going there,

then it'll be a lovely evening.

But if they are going there,

then it'll be the worst evening ever.

Well, maybe you should
just ask them, straight-up.

Or...

I hope you guys don't mind
that I brought a plus-one.

- Mm. Yeah.
- Oh, of course not.

No.

- The more the merrier.
- Yep.

- That's what we say.
- We do.

Mm. Oh, need a little topper.

Ladies? Little more vino?

(both chuckle)

- Got it.
- Yeah.

Now it's a real party.

- Party!
- (giggles)

(quietly): I told
you. It's weird, right?

They're totally hitting on us.

Why did she bring someone?

She seems lovely, right?

I think it's going well.
This is in no way awkward.

I'm gonna ask her.

They're totally hitting on us.

I'm kind of down with it.

Brinley.

I think you've had enough.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So, Kelly,

uh, we wanted to clear
the air about something.

JOSH: Yeah.

We think you probably
know what it's about.

There's something between us,

and I know

you're feeling it, too.

And we really like you.

And we were wondering if...

I don't want to have sex with you!

- What?
- What?

I do!

- What?
- What?

(ringtone playing)

(clears throat)

Okay.

Oh, it's, uh...

Hey, what's up, bud?

Hey, Josh. What are you up to?

Oh, uh, you know, Leslie
called Kelly a whore,

I touched her boob.

She doesn't want to have sex with us,

but I think Brinley's into it.

What are you doing?

Turn on the TV.

(whispering): I'm on the news.

Here at the DTLA Music Festival...

Hey. Hey! There you are!

REPORTER: ...had broken into
the Pacific Metropolitan Bank

and hung a banner from the top.

- I'll buy that product.
- Yeah...

Well, look at that.

That is amazing.

I think you're amazing.

Oh, yeah. Brinley, sorry.

This is not happening.

Right?

No, Josh, it's not happening.

Yeah, that's what I told her.
It's not happening.

(laughs) You know what?

- Why don't, why don't you come by.
- _

I'm sure everybody at kickball

would love to meet the
woman behind the legend.

Oh! "The legend." Okay, great.

So we'll all meet for kickball,

- as friends...
- Mm-hmm.

...and then we'll grab lunch after?

- Yeah, I would love that.
- Will Brinley be there?

Uh, she will not.

Good.

(clears throat)

Here is to my not-so-little brother,

whom I always believed in.

Smart move putting up that giant banner

- at the music festival.
- (phone chimes)

Hey, we just got another order!

- Oh!
- (all cheering)

And, after rent and
the fine from the city,

we should have enough
for Neal's boss's divorce.

- Yay!
- OTHERS: Divorce!

Yay!

It's nice to have a little
scratch in your pocket, huh?

Yeah. You want me to get you a drink?

Uh, maybe it's time
to, uh, start picking up

Mrs. Frank's medical bills.

- Absolutely. Will do.
- 'Cause...

Remember what I said
at the beginning about

not having enough money and
how discouraging it can be,

how desperate it can make you?

Embrace it.

'Cause if you can, that
desperation can show you

what you want, what you're capable of,

and, more importantly,
what you already have.

Yo. Come on.

Thank God we worked
things out with Kelly.

- Still a little weird.
- Yeah, it is.

On the bright side,
looks like these guys

can finally stand on their own two feet.

WAITRESS: Sir, the bill.

Uh, bill? I already...

Man, they got out of here fast.

(sighs)

I didn't bring my wallet.