Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life (2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - How to Survive Your Loveable Jackass - full transcript

When you graduate from college,

you feel prepared to take on the world.

- Good luck.
- Not gonna need it.

But the truth is, no
one has ever bothered

to properly prepare anyone for
this next decade of your life.

Until now.

My name is Cooper Barrett.

I'm 26 years old, I'm
being held hostage,

and there are some things
I think you should know.

Is it me, or is it a little warm in here?

Okay.



It's gonna take a lot
more than that to break me.

What do you guys want to know?

_

Hey.

Hey, don't worry, Mr. Chicken.

We'll get out of this alive.

This lesson starts the day
after my college graduation.

- Barry!
- Come on.

The thing is, dude, I've
been crunching some numbers,

and based on my looks, salary
and personality deficiencies,

there's an 87% chance my
wife will have a mustache.

Well, she'll be the luckiest,
hairiest woman in the world.

Every group of friends
has what I like to call

a "Lovable Jackass."



- ♪ I said I'm sorry ♪
- Oh!

- This is mine.
- ♪ Can't afford a Ferrari ♪

♪ But that don't mean
I can't get you there. ♪

I love that song!

Brand-new. It's the
dude from Gnarls Barkley.

What happened to the towel?

Hi, guys.

- Hey.
- Hi. I'm Kelly.

- Cooper.
- Hi.

The guy learning to use a door is Neal.

Hey. How's it going?

Who's the, uh, wet, naked guy?

Barry.

- It's Barry.
- Right. Okay.

- Okay.
- Well, welcome to the building.

Thanks.

You make the creepiest first impression.

Have I ever told you that before?

Wrap it up!

Josh!

Happy housewarming, baby brother.

Yeah!

What?!

Who's humping me?

That's Virgil... he
manages the building.

Rent is due on the third.

Smart TV?

Are you telling me I can watch 64-inch,

- high-definition Internet pornography?
- Yeah, or Star Wars.

Oh, my God!

- Oh!
- Oh, God, so tight!

- Your grasp is so tight!
- Thank you so much.

- Thanks, Josh.
- Thanks, brother.

No need to thank me, because
you are about to give me back

the decade of my life that
I never got a chance to live.

Let me paint you a picture.

I started at my law firm at 22.

I got married at 23 to a
woman... your sister-in-law...

whom I love dearly.

But she's a fun-sucker.

She sucks fun.

Well, hey, man, our home is your home.

Fantastic. What do you say

we get a little crazy tonight and...

Have a housewarming party.

I was gonna say a nice cheese plate

and a Guitar Hero marathon,
but your idea does sound better.

Yeah, housewarming party's a cool idea,

but we should probably,
like, check the lease.

- Okay, yeah, gentlemen, yeah.
- That's a good point.

What kind of guys do we want to be

for the next ten years
of our lives, huh?

The kind of guys who check leases

or the guys who throw parties
the guys checking leases

can't attend 'cause they're
home checking leases?

Can you repeat those choices?

So let's start this decade off right

by throwing a knockdown, blowout,

"I can't feel the left side
of my face" housewarming party!

What do you say?

And look how black the blacks are.

Are you talking about
the picture quality

or the, uh, black people?

Okay, Jeff, that's racial.

Don't touch it!

- So you guys just moved in?
- Yep, you know,

signed a check for
first, last and security.

It's no big deal.
I got a full-time job, so...

I'm just looking for someone to
spend the rest of my life with

and take my virginity!

Look no further.

Be gentle, ah!

Maybe later?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

This party is total sausage fest!

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, crap.

The woman... you, you, the blonde!

Not you, the blonde in hot top.

Yeah, come on.

Nice to see you again.

You're in a dryer.

I'm hiding from my boyfriend.

Things were going
great with us at first.

And now, every time he speaks,

I just want to bunch up
his face with my hands.

I'm gonna force him to break up with me

by doing a lot of little
things that really bother him,

like saying the word "tampon" a lot.

"Tampon, yeast infection"... either one.

You're a little complicated.

It's okay. I'm complicated, too.

I mean, I just graduated,

and I have no idea what
I want to do with my life.

Right, because you're
not ready to be a man.

Did my dad put you up to this?

I'm saying, guys like you,

who are still figuring
things out are exhausting.

Okay? You're the reason why
I only date men in their 30s.

Oh, that's interesting.

'Cause, I think you date

men in their 30s 'cause
you're one of those

college athlete girls who
likes to win at everything.

So you date dudes that
look good on paper,

but you wind up hiding in a dryer

'cause you're bored to death by him.

Okay, now I want to bunch up your face.

I thought we were just
saying stuff about each other.

There you are.

Tampon.

Watch this, watch this.

You just pull the bird back, right?

And then you let it go,

- and you shoot the pig out of the sky.
- Wow, thanks, Grandpa.

Least favorite person.

You're my least favorite
person in this whole party.

Uh, hi, yeah.

Uh, h-hey.

Hey, babe.

I thought you were just
going over to say hi.

I was, I was, but the...

the guys made me stay
and help them unpack.

Well, hurry home, and don't forget

we're gonna have a baby!

How could I forget?

'Cause you won't let me.

It's the most important
thing in my life.

- Oh, I love you.
- Love you, love you.

You know, I was just thinking about...

Hello?

Hello?

They about to steal the TV.

Oh, hell no!

Not happening, fellas! Not...

Let's stop here,
because this is important.

Mmm, this is delicious.

Thank you so much.

Nobody put Barry in charge of the TV.

That's just something
he made up in his head.

But who cares, right?

What's the harm?

I'm tied to a chair.

...happening! They taking the TV!

There are, like, 500
people at this party.

How the hell are they gonna take the TV?

Are you kidding me?

That dude in "Despicable Me"
stole the whole moon.

Anybody have the energy to field that?

Bro, you need to relax, okay?

Calm down. You're at a party, right?

Yeah, damn right we're here to party.

You guys really want to party?

That's my phone. That's my phone.

Where is it?

There we go.

Hello?

There she is.

Hey, babe.

Uh, no, no, no.

Almost finished.

Almost finished, yeah.

No, it's amazing how much stuff
a college kid has these days.

Hey, can anybody else not see?

Whose is this?

Uh, no, we just have a
couple more boxes, and then...

everything will be as...

as it's supposed to be.

They stole our TV!

I think I'm gonna have to call you back.

Those damn UFC guys.

- I told you!
- Can I get some help here?

Hmm? Who are you?

I'm Neal's girlfriend.

Barry, this hangover remedy is amazing.

My grandma throws down, okay?

I know her hangover remedy
is amazing, all right?

Mmm, she's a genius.

This thing is not only delicious,

but I'm almost getting
my sight back here.

Now, everybody listen up, okay?

'Cause I'm only gonna say this once.

I'm not gonna rest
until I find those guys,

and I put that TV back on the wall!

Now, I know
what you're thinking.

Barry can't mean that, can he?

I mean, eventually he's gonna
stop caring about the TV.

Two years later...

Oh, that girl loved her some books.

The UFC guys.

Oh, it is on like Michelle Kwan.

The point is, Craig, I'm the captain

of our Tiger Thrust Energy Drink Team,

and I want you guys out
there promoting the brand.

You know, youth, power,
a sense of adventure.

I need you to stop
calling people "ass-face."

Yes, sir.

Don't call me, sir, man.

I'm younger than you.

Tiger Thrust. Enjoy it.

I'm not nearly as embarrassed
for you as I thought I'd be.

You're actually good at this.

I know, right? I just wish the product

had a better name than Tiger Thrust.

And, you know, it tasted better.

And didn't contain the
chemical found in glow sticks.

- Wait, seriously?
- Yeah.

Ah, okay, no.

Uh, but at least this
gig's just temporary, right?

Oh, uh-oh, okay.
Uh, I had sex with this girl.

Can't remember her name.
Think it starts with a C.

Cooper!

Cavala...

- What's going on, girl?
- ***

- What did you call me?
- I know, right? How are you doing?

- Great!
- Great.

- Great.
- Great.

Great. Great.

- Great.
- Great.

Hi, I'm Kelly.

- Kristen.
- Oh, did I not...?

Kristen, Kristen, Kelly. Kelly, Kristen.

Ah... Are you two together?

- Neighbors.
- God no, no.

Well, call me.

Yeah, you got it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

It was good to see you, Krista.

- Kristen.
- Kristen!

Okay, it's official.
You're my best friend

in the whole wide world.

Remind me to never have sex with you.

Oh, yeah, never have sex with me.

You know, unless you feel it's something

you absolutely have to do.

Hello?

I found it.

Found what?

Hold, please.

Thanks, babe.

That feels so good.

Hello?

Talk to me.

Yo, I found the flat-screen.

- No.
- Yes.

How?

It's fantastic! Uh-huh.

I'm at 2280 South Arapahoe,
and I'm looking right at it.

Barry, no.

Okay, Barry... Barry,

don't do anything until we get there.

Do not even dream
about going without me.

Because I'll be in bed
dreaming next to my lovely wife.

- Barry?
- They're leaving.

- Barry.
- I'm going in.

No. Bar-Barry.

Oh, God.

Hey!

Good night, sweetie.

What Barry's
doing here is called

"breaking and entering."

This is not sneaking into
your friend's dorm room

or a high school science lab.

This is a felony.

Oh. Little baby Batboy.

There is so much good in this world.

Damn, this is a big-ass TV.

Shh.

Where are you?

- What is he doing?
- Barry?

Once they fell asleep,

a normal person would
make a break for it.

Not your Loveable Jackass.

- No. No, not a chance.
- That's a very bad idea.

- Please don't do that.
- No!

- Barry, no. Barry? Barry?
- Stop!

- Barry?
- Don't!

- Very bad idea.
- Barry, no.

No, Barry.

- No. Barry.
- No... Barry!

- Stop it!
- No!

- Shh.
- Wait, wait, wait. Grab the remote.

We'll get another one!

Oh, Mr. Moneybags. Who
are you, Jimmy Buffet?

- You mean Warren Buffet.
- No, Jimmy.

This dude's got platinum albums,

two restaurant chains,
a tequila company.

Look, I'll get the remote!

Is this the one for the TV or...?

They're awake!

Go! Let's go!

Why the hell you bring
this small-ass ride?!

Go, go, go, go!

- I'm not in the car!
- Go, go, go, go!

Get in.

Hi, Gracie.

Mission accomplished, right?

Wrong.

This is not the television I bought you.

You can put it down, sweetie.

_

I'm gonna make us a shake.

Your girlfriend scares us, Neal.

I know.

I don't care how much she benches,

I'm definitely breaking
up with her tonight.

Hey, guys.

Can we focus up here, please?

You stole a television
from those scary UFC guys.

Wrong!

How can he be wrong, Barry?

It's not even the same brand!

Oh, okay. So you're telling me

that those guys didn't steal
a TV and swap out the labels,

knowing that if I found
the TV and brought it back,

we wouldn't be having
this exact conversation?

Come on, y'all, think!

We got to be like the TV.

We got to be smart!

Classic Lovable Jackass.

Here's to you being unsuccessful
in personal relationships.

You're just glad I broke up with
my boyfriend, because it means

you get to go to the
Clippers games with me.

You know what?

Telling him you're going
to Brussels for a month

to study tennis elbow is
not technically breaking up.

Wow. Okay, this from a man who
was supposed to leave his job

at Tiger Throb, like,
a year and a half ago.

It's Tiger Thrust,
and I'll have you know,

I may be starting my own business.

What?

Josh found some investors
for Barry's hangover cure.

Cooper, that's great!

No, no, no, 'cause I
probably won't do it.

Most start-ups fail, and...

- Yeah!
- Look, I know we don't say

a lot of nice things to
each other, but here goes.

You have more potential
than anyone I've ever met.

What have you done with my friend?

You're being an idiot.

- There she is.
- This is an amazing opportunity.

Don't be afraid to take it.

I like you when you're sincere.

Oh, good. Because I just
died a little inside.

Let's go, Clippers!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

No. No.

And if you unexpectedly share

a great kiss with a close friend,

try not to say this:

I got to take a leak.

I know, I know.

Not my finest moment.

I just... wanted to take a second

to pull myself together.

Would you mind washing your
hands before you punch me?

And now we're all caught up.

Hola.

What happens next? I...

Your guess is as good as mine.

Whoa. Those dudes looked
a lot smaller in the dark.

- Suckers!
- That's a bad idea.

Gentlemen...

this is a brand-new, top-of-the-line,

1080p, 4K, HD,

64-inch plasma television.

It's 3D ready, has a
600-hertz refresh rate,

gesture controls

and a built-in camera
so you can interact

with streaming content on the Web.

3D?

Yeah, I already said it was 3D.

That was, like, the first thing I said.

Sorry, you say too many things.

Now...

...can I get my brother back?

Okay.

Well, if nobody else is
gonna say anything, I will.

Take a look around
at what happened here.

Maybe in the future,
you could think to act

a little more responsibly

so your friends won't
have to clean up your mess.

And when your Jackass
finally takes things too far,

your response has to
be handled just right.

Jackass!

Hey, hey!

We wound up in this
mess, I was kidnapped,

because you put yourself
in charge of something

a grown person should not
put themselves in charge of!

It was a TV!

Now, now, fellas, don't
make me come back there.

No! No, no! No!

- Josh!
- Wake up! Hey!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Wake up! Please!

The hell is wrong with you?

I loved that TV.

It was a 64-inch flat-screen, Barry!

We all loved it!

No, you don't understand, man.

The second Josh brought that in here,

all I seen was the four of
us spending time together.

That TV was a giant
future memory box to me.

Somebody tried to
take that away from us,

and I wasn't okay with
that 'cause I love you guys.

I love how we live together,

how we help each other out,

and I wanted those memories, because...

...I know it ain't
always gonna be like this.

If I hurt you guys, I'm really sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

It's okay, Barry,
just... don't do it again.

Never. I mean,
unless you guys want me to.

We'll never want you to.

You can call me,

- "Barry, we need some help."
- Barry. Barry. Barry...

I'm like the Ghostbusters.

Okay.

Thanks, dude.

All right.

Okay, so what have we learned?

Never leave your Jackass unattended,

pay attention to the warning signs,

and never take off running

while you still have
a hood over your head.

You need to figure out your business.

Those investors aren't
gonna wait forever.

I will.

Oh, you and your friends are exhausting.

I'm gonna go home to my wife and kids.

- Unless you want to get into something.
- I don't think so.

All right. Okay.

Love you, brother.

One last thing:

don't be afraid to take chances
at this time in your life.

I got kidnapped.

That went a lot better
than I thought it would.

It wasn't working out with Neal.

Hey, it's Cooper.

Yeah, I won't be coming
in to work tomorrow.

Or ever.

An opportunity's come up.

You ever wonder who took our TV?

Jackasses.