Con Man (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 13 - Too Much Closure for Comfort - full transcript
During the reunion, Wray has a one on one with each of his Spectrum co-stars and realizes how much doing the movie means to them. Also, his militant co-star Stutter, who still holds an old grudge against Wray, exacts his cheesy revenge.
Meanwhile, on "Con Man"...
Holy shit...
- You're Jack Moore.
- That's right.
I gotta tell ya,
I am a much bigger fan of Spectrum.
- You don't say I have to.
- Aww.
Oh shit, what is that? Like a reunion?
Hey, Wray Nerely! Best pilot ever!
Wray's here?
Wray, you're here!
This is Jack's new assistant.
You showed me pictures of your kids.
Because I have twins now.
I'm married.
- Yep.
- "Married..."
Where's Wray?
Help! Help! Stutter!
Get off of me!
Help me...
Con Man - Episode 13 -
"Too Much Closure for Comfort"
I am so worried about you.
Worry about yourself.
That a cake server?
I couldn't find a knife.
Do you trust me, Wray?
You tied me up...
Did you used to trust me?
When?
Do you trust me?
Just say no!
No.
Well, I trusted you!
But then you mouthed off
and told everybody
about my private life!
Private life?
Come on, it's not like I
outed you for being gay!
I wish I was gay!
I knew that.
I knew that.
Because of you...
I'm a pariah in this town!
Casting directors pretend
they don't know me!
Okay, I'm... just for the record,
I never specifically told anybody
that you are a Republican.
You told a Variety reporter
that I voted twice for George W. Bush.
Bush...
I'm sorry, that's reflex...
I mean, it's actual... It's reflux...
And I experience it reflexively.
Now the only actors
that return my calls are...
Seagal,
Danza...
And Baldwin.
Alec?
Stephen.
Wray?
Faith!
Don't come in!
The door's booby trapped
with a spray cheese bomb!
That what that is?
Stutter...
You are the worst houseguest!
Untie him.
I want an apology.
I am...
Sorry.
That's not enough.
I want more.
What do you want?!
I...
Stutter Dawes,
want,
a howitzer...
- No!
- No!
Fine.
Then I want a haircut.
Since I've been outed as a
Republican in Hollywood...
There's not a hairdresser in town...
That'll give me an appointment.
Okay...
Okay, I think I can actually
help out with this.
I know a born again
Christian hairdresser.
- Really?
- Really?
Untie him.
I mean, even if he isn't a Republican,
he'll forgive you for being one.
Thank you.
This too, this too, please.
I'll... I'll do this...
I'll do this part myself.
Tell me about this hairdresser.
His name is Juan Carlos...
Carlos?
Better not be an illegal.
Did they say how a 10 year old girl
managed to climb down
100 feet into a crevice?
I was trying to figure out
why they were so friendly.
Aren't the Sensites and Fambites
are supposed to be at war?
I can't see anything through this black.
I wish I knew how much further it was.
Cash?
It's about twenty feet.
Mattress! Mattresses!
Mattresses everywhere!
What is it missing?
Whores!
I'm Crazy Bruno,
Amsterdam's number one wholesaler!
Announcing our annual wholesale
at the whorehouse warehouse.
We have the white sale, the black sale,
all colors, all body types!
On sale! We're making room
for next year's models!
Oh, my god.
Is this a whorehouse commercial?
Stutter in here?
- Oh, no! That thing went off?
- Wray!
- Wray, we need to make a movie.
- Wray, when did you get here?
Is that... Is that spray cheese spray?
What is it?
Yeah... you know,
I'm just gonna go wash it off.
Start this without me.
Where'd the whores go?
How do we do it?
Well, we cut out the middleman.
Unless you want him in there!
He can work the camera!
We cast no aspersions
on your perversions.
You like rock bottom prices?
This guy's name is Rock!
And he's a bottom!
Come and get a good price!
We offer Mexican hair lips!
Tank slapping! Pancake press!
Hobbit bobbit!
Gravy sores!
Chode-a-phil! Skin tags!
And Butt Johns!
Crazy Bruno!
Wray, we can't do this
movie without Jack.
This bathroom is gorgeous, I hate him.
Brenda,
I could've been doing anything in here!
Not anything, but... you know...
- Pooping.
- He listens to you.
Cashmere? That doesn't even make sense!
Brenda,
look...
This movie is not gonna happen.
It has to.
I owe some very scary
people a lot of money.
- Who? Like the mob?
- Worse.
Pounder's Weight Loss Center.
When I signed up to be their
spokesperson last year,
I didn't read my contract carefully.
It's $10,000 for every pound I lost.
I didn't realize I would owe
$10,000 for every pound I gained.
- Okay.
- I gained 115 pounds.
- Wow, okay then...
- Yeah.
Well... Yeah, okay.
But...
Making a movie out of a cancelled tv
show, that is not going to fix this.
Wray...
Wray, Wray, Wray, baby, come on, Wray.
Of course it's gonna fix it.
You son of a bitch!
- Brenda?
- Sorry.
- What the hell?
- I'm... I'm becoming one of them.
Oh gosh, I'm sorry!
We're gonna make this movie.
You son of a bitch!
I did it again. I need focus.
God!
Christ!
Brenda said we're making a movie.
Tiffany, you have a job!
Aren't you on
"So You Think You Can Judge?"
Yeah.
But I'm not one of...
The regular judges.
They judge us as judges.
While we judge the contestants
who are competing to become judges.
- Tiffany?
- Don't judge me.
I wish our lives were as
easy to change as a channel.
Press a button, you're a kid again.
Back on your first show.
Look, you were...
You're young.
You can do anything you want.
It's harder to become anything you want
once things are actually
becoming who you are.
- Oh, my god. Your breaking my heart...
- So erase a new now...
with shine and bounce.
Stupid.
Tiffany!
Hey!
I'm thirsty.
Can I have a little privacy, please?
Did Brenda tell you that we're
making a movie?
A movie?
No!
Wow!
Wray?
No, Dawn...
I'll be out in a minute.
It's Faith.
I love you.
Okay, Faith, you love me.
Well, I love you, baby.
It's so good to hear...
I knew you have feelings for her.
No, don't do this.
Please, don't do this.
Listen...
God, that is so disgusting, that is
all preservatives,
what are you doing?
- You got my message?
- I didn't get your message...
- You came.
- No, no.
- Do you yearn for me sexually?
- No, I...
I didn't listen to the message.
- You always listen.
- And you never do.
Listen, you have a husband.
He thinks I'm needy.
Hold me!
No, god. No, god. No, god. No, god...
No, god... Listen to me.
Listen to me.
Yes?
You just had twins.
I don't even think one of them's mine.
That doesn't even make any sense!
Dawn, Dawn, Dawn... what are you doing?
Do you know what this reminds me of?
Don't say it.
Vegas.
- Screw Vegas.
- Screw Vegas.
- Open inner door.
- Opening airlock.
Close airlock. Get rid of that trash.
Closing airlock.
How did you do that?
You couldn't see. You couldn't hear.
How did you aim the gun?
Into the general vicinity.
That's quite a hit you took.
You okay?
The Scion is safe.
I'm more than okay.
We'll be fine.
Thank you, captain.
I have some new questions for you.
Bree?
She's gone.
That... thing...
Killed Bree.
You could have saved her.
- It wasn't his fault.
- Yes, it was!
Blame the Null.
You know what?
If that's not good enough... Yeah, you
go ahead, you blame me.
Blame everyone.
But that includes you.
And when you're done...
- I'll see on the bridge.
- And I will see you in hell!
Evacuate the airlock!
Hull breech is imminent.
Hull breech is imminent.
Evacuate cargo bay.
Hull breech is imminent...
The Null can not be stopped.
Every galaxy, every planet will be...
Gutted and harvested like your earth.
Your deaths will not be quiet or quick.
Enough.
Airlock cleared.
Change the course.
Earth is no longer
our intended destination.
It's the past.
Our future...
Is with the Scion.
Wow.
Wow.
-
Jack!
Jack's calling! Answer!
- Guys?
- Hey, Jack!
I'm almost there, you guys.
I'm almost home. But I could not
wait to tell you
I just got off the phone
with the man himself, PJ Hars.
I got the rights.
Who wants to make a movie?!
- I do! I do! How much does it pay?
- What kind of movie?
I'm in.
Alright!
I don't know how much PJ's gonna be
involved but he seems very excited.
I've talked to a couple of studios
already, everybody is on board.
This is going to happen. The internet...
Looks like we're gonna be
working together again.
Okay...
Faith, open up my schedule.
We're gonna juggle some stuff around.
I don't know what
you guys are like right now.
Your schedules, we're gonna
make this work, you guys.
This is gonna be great!
See you on set.
Wray...
I'll see you!
In hell.
Holy shit...
- You're Jack Moore.
- That's right.
I gotta tell ya,
I am a much bigger fan of Spectrum.
- You don't say I have to.
- Aww.
Oh shit, what is that? Like a reunion?
Hey, Wray Nerely! Best pilot ever!
Wray's here?
Wray, you're here!
This is Jack's new assistant.
You showed me pictures of your kids.
Because I have twins now.
I'm married.
- Yep.
- "Married..."
Where's Wray?
Help! Help! Stutter!
Get off of me!
Help me...
Con Man - Episode 13 -
"Too Much Closure for Comfort"
I am so worried about you.
Worry about yourself.
That a cake server?
I couldn't find a knife.
Do you trust me, Wray?
You tied me up...
Did you used to trust me?
When?
Do you trust me?
Just say no!
No.
Well, I trusted you!
But then you mouthed off
and told everybody
about my private life!
Private life?
Come on, it's not like I
outed you for being gay!
I wish I was gay!
I knew that.
I knew that.
Because of you...
I'm a pariah in this town!
Casting directors pretend
they don't know me!
Okay, I'm... just for the record,
I never specifically told anybody
that you are a Republican.
You told a Variety reporter
that I voted twice for George W. Bush.
Bush...
I'm sorry, that's reflex...
I mean, it's actual... It's reflux...
And I experience it reflexively.
Now the only actors
that return my calls are...
Seagal,
Danza...
And Baldwin.
Alec?
Stephen.
Wray?
Faith!
Don't come in!
The door's booby trapped
with a spray cheese bomb!
That what that is?
Stutter...
You are the worst houseguest!
Untie him.
I want an apology.
I am...
Sorry.
That's not enough.
I want more.
What do you want?!
I...
Stutter Dawes,
want,
a howitzer...
- No!
- No!
Fine.
Then I want a haircut.
Since I've been outed as a
Republican in Hollywood...
There's not a hairdresser in town...
That'll give me an appointment.
Okay...
Okay, I think I can actually
help out with this.
I know a born again
Christian hairdresser.
- Really?
- Really?
Untie him.
I mean, even if he isn't a Republican,
he'll forgive you for being one.
Thank you.
This too, this too, please.
I'll... I'll do this...
I'll do this part myself.
Tell me about this hairdresser.
His name is Juan Carlos...
Carlos?
Better not be an illegal.
Did they say how a 10 year old girl
managed to climb down
100 feet into a crevice?
I was trying to figure out
why they were so friendly.
Aren't the Sensites and Fambites
are supposed to be at war?
I can't see anything through this black.
I wish I knew how much further it was.
Cash?
It's about twenty feet.
Mattress! Mattresses!
Mattresses everywhere!
What is it missing?
Whores!
I'm Crazy Bruno,
Amsterdam's number one wholesaler!
Announcing our annual wholesale
at the whorehouse warehouse.
We have the white sale, the black sale,
all colors, all body types!
On sale! We're making room
for next year's models!
Oh, my god.
Is this a whorehouse commercial?
Stutter in here?
- Oh, no! That thing went off?
- Wray!
- Wray, we need to make a movie.
- Wray, when did you get here?
Is that... Is that spray cheese spray?
What is it?
Yeah... you know,
I'm just gonna go wash it off.
Start this without me.
Where'd the whores go?
How do we do it?
Well, we cut out the middleman.
Unless you want him in there!
He can work the camera!
We cast no aspersions
on your perversions.
You like rock bottom prices?
This guy's name is Rock!
And he's a bottom!
Come and get a good price!
We offer Mexican hair lips!
Tank slapping! Pancake press!
Hobbit bobbit!
Gravy sores!
Chode-a-phil! Skin tags!
And Butt Johns!
Crazy Bruno!
Wray, we can't do this
movie without Jack.
This bathroom is gorgeous, I hate him.
Brenda,
I could've been doing anything in here!
Not anything, but... you know...
- Pooping.
- He listens to you.
Cashmere? That doesn't even make sense!
Brenda,
look...
This movie is not gonna happen.
It has to.
I owe some very scary
people a lot of money.
- Who? Like the mob?
- Worse.
Pounder's Weight Loss Center.
When I signed up to be their
spokesperson last year,
I didn't read my contract carefully.
It's $10,000 for every pound I lost.
I didn't realize I would owe
$10,000 for every pound I gained.
- Okay.
- I gained 115 pounds.
- Wow, okay then...
- Yeah.
Well... Yeah, okay.
But...
Making a movie out of a cancelled tv
show, that is not going to fix this.
Wray...
Wray, Wray, Wray, baby, come on, Wray.
Of course it's gonna fix it.
You son of a bitch!
- Brenda?
- Sorry.
- What the hell?
- I'm... I'm becoming one of them.
Oh gosh, I'm sorry!
We're gonna make this movie.
You son of a bitch!
I did it again. I need focus.
God!
Christ!
Brenda said we're making a movie.
Tiffany, you have a job!
Aren't you on
"So You Think You Can Judge?"
Yeah.
But I'm not one of...
The regular judges.
They judge us as judges.
While we judge the contestants
who are competing to become judges.
- Tiffany?
- Don't judge me.
I wish our lives were as
easy to change as a channel.
Press a button, you're a kid again.
Back on your first show.
Look, you were...
You're young.
You can do anything you want.
It's harder to become anything you want
once things are actually
becoming who you are.
- Oh, my god. Your breaking my heart...
- So erase a new now...
with shine and bounce.
Stupid.
Tiffany!
Hey!
I'm thirsty.
Can I have a little privacy, please?
Did Brenda tell you that we're
making a movie?
A movie?
No!
Wow!
Wray?
No, Dawn...
I'll be out in a minute.
It's Faith.
I love you.
Okay, Faith, you love me.
Well, I love you, baby.
It's so good to hear...
I knew you have feelings for her.
No, don't do this.
Please, don't do this.
Listen...
God, that is so disgusting, that is
all preservatives,
what are you doing?
- You got my message?
- I didn't get your message...
- You came.
- No, no.
- Do you yearn for me sexually?
- No, I...
I didn't listen to the message.
- You always listen.
- And you never do.
Listen, you have a husband.
He thinks I'm needy.
Hold me!
No, god. No, god. No, god. No, god...
No, god... Listen to me.
Listen to me.
Yes?
You just had twins.
I don't even think one of them's mine.
That doesn't even make any sense!
Dawn, Dawn, Dawn... what are you doing?
Do you know what this reminds me of?
Don't say it.
Vegas.
- Screw Vegas.
- Screw Vegas.
- Open inner door.
- Opening airlock.
Close airlock. Get rid of that trash.
Closing airlock.
How did you do that?
You couldn't see. You couldn't hear.
How did you aim the gun?
Into the general vicinity.
That's quite a hit you took.
You okay?
The Scion is safe.
I'm more than okay.
We'll be fine.
Thank you, captain.
I have some new questions for you.
Bree?
She's gone.
That... thing...
Killed Bree.
You could have saved her.
- It wasn't his fault.
- Yes, it was!
Blame the Null.
You know what?
If that's not good enough... Yeah, you
go ahead, you blame me.
Blame everyone.
But that includes you.
And when you're done...
- I'll see on the bridge.
- And I will see you in hell!
Evacuate the airlock!
Hull breech is imminent.
Hull breech is imminent.
Evacuate cargo bay.
Hull breech is imminent...
The Null can not be stopped.
Every galaxy, every planet will be...
Gutted and harvested like your earth.
Your deaths will not be quiet or quick.
Enough.
Airlock cleared.
Change the course.
Earth is no longer
our intended destination.
It's the past.
Our future...
Is with the Scion.
Wow.
Wow.
-
Jack!
Jack's calling! Answer!
- Guys?
- Hey, Jack!
I'm almost there, you guys.
I'm almost home. But I could not
wait to tell you
I just got off the phone
with the man himself, PJ Hars.
I got the rights.
Who wants to make a movie?!
- I do! I do! How much does it pay?
- What kind of movie?
I'm in.
Alright!
I don't know how much PJ's gonna be
involved but he seems very excited.
I've talked to a couple of studios
already, everybody is on board.
This is going to happen. The internet...
Looks like we're gonna be
working together again.
Okay...
Faith, open up my schedule.
We're gonna juggle some stuff around.
I don't know what
you guys are like right now.
Your schedules, we're gonna
make this work, you guys.
This is gonna be great!
See you on set.
Wray...
I'll see you!
In hell.