Community (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 12 - Wedding Videography - full transcript

Abed, what are you doing?

Freelancing.

You're not a spy for
the city, are you?

They've been sending footage
of my classroom and

pronounced me no worse than
the teachers that work hard.

I can't tell you who
I'm working for.

It's a surprise.

Well, don't get in the way.

You know the rules, Jeff.

The sooner you ignore me, the
sooner I stop being a factor.

All right, people.



Yesterday I wrote the
word law on the board.

This time, don't erase it, and maybe
tomorrow we'll get even further.

Now, I'm told Garrett has prepared
a presentation for extra credit.

By the way, everyone in class gets
the credit because I'm not sure how

much I should encourage this.

Go ahead, Garrett.

Thank you.

My presentation is
about marriage law.

This is me, Garrett.

I'm in your class.

This is Stacy.

She is in our class as well.

This is what I want.

Oh, Garrett.



Stacy, will you marry me?

Oh.

Yes, yes, Garrett, yes, I will!

Oh, Garrett!

Garrett and I have been seeing each other
for 16 months, two weeks, and four days.

We met at the school
store, Pencils and Such.

He said he was there
for the such.

I remember I was sweating a
lot, and breathing heavy, and

my heart felt like it was
going to burst in my chest.

But the day I met Stacy, most of
those symptoms actually declined.

Are you quite done?

Yeah.

Garrett wanted the
proposal recorded.

He thought his family
might wanna see proof.

So now what are you shooting?

You had a strange
look on your face.

Oh, you're noticing faces now?

Mm-hm. Aren't you still smelling
hair to tell Frankie from Annie?

Yeah.

Well, it's official.

I'm getting laid.

Give me some more
time in a dream.

Give me the hope to
run out of steam.

Somebody said it could be here.

We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year.

I can't count the
reasons I should stay.

One by one, they all
just fade away.

What are you doing?

Stop.

Hey, stop.

If you don't put that silly thing away,
I swear, I'm gonna stop loving you.

Oh, that's it.

Happy birthday.

What are you two doing?

We're doing Annie's
missing lover footage.

You, you know in movies where the
hero's wife or girlfriend is dead or

missing, and so he sits in the dark
and he watches her in a home movie,

or-Or a hologram.

Or a hologram over and over, and she's
always beautiful and full of love,

almost to the point
of being stupid.

We're making footage like that for me
in case I get kidnapped or murdered.

Oh, super healthy, guys.

The health department called.

They don't want anything back.

Britta, don't look
at the camera.

Okay, look at the camera.

Today's Garrett's wedding.

For those who don't know, Garrett,
he's a guy we don't really know,

that we've known for like six years
at school, the funny-looking guy.

Britta, mean!

Sorry!

The eccentric-looking guy.

What's happening?

Everything's going wrong.

That guy.

Remember when we said
we were cleaning?

Yeah. But remember about
Abed's documentary?

The documentary is about
what we're doing.

And we're cleaning.

Yeah, but if we're both cleaning
then there's nobody to explain why.

She doesn't understand
filmmaking.

I lived in New York.

What else should we talk about?

We volunteered our apartment as a
staging area where our friends can get

ready and keep each
other on time.

Oh.

The thing to understand
about our friends

is that friends isn't
an adequate label.

We're an intensely,
intimately bonded crew.

Oh, I can't, no!

No!

Do you want flashy forward,
or cherry and classic?

Do you have black?

That's a no.

That beleaguered sigh means,
no, I can't have black nails.

Don't look at the camera.

You absolutely can, and we all
will when our bodies decompose.

Please don't Jim the
camera like that.

Jim the camera?

The color black hasn't
had-It's not a color.

Anything to do with death
or edginess since '89!

I mean, absence of color.

My accountant has black nails!

Your what?!

Don't jump on that, my accountant,
it's a figure of speech.

It's a form of speech
called making things up.

Abed, can you get that?

I can film you getting it.

It's open!

Is it?

I don't know, let's see.

Frankie. Hi girl.

So, I didn't, put on my wedding
clothes, like you said.

So we can get dressed together
and be girls together.

This is gonna be fun.

Annie and Britta told me to come
over and get ready with them for

Garrett's wedding.

I didn't say no.

Who says no to
something like that?

A cold, off-putting
incompatible person.

The kind of person that turns
a sleepover into a stoning.

I had rocks, thrown at me.

Biblical, igneous, jagged,
hateful, pointy, ninja rocks, and

that's not gonna happen again.

What have you been up to?

I think you already asked that.

Did you answer?

Didn't I?

I think I did. I
don't think you did.

Well, that's not like me.

Well, maybe you're nervous.

No, no.

Well, why don't we just say that
if you did answer, we forgot so

we're asking again.

Oh, I have been working.

And I've been tending
to my personal affairs.

Mm.

Mia, I don't know
if I mentioned.

One of my sisters as well, you
know, one of them is deceased,

and the other is
mentally retarded.

Panty raid.

When I say drink, you say now.

Drink. Now.

Drink.

Now. When I say
drink, you say now.

Drink. Now.

Drink. Now.

Hey what are you guys doing?

We gotta go. The wedding
starts in like 40 minutes.

We batted the time.

Huh? We lied to you cause
we knew you'd be late.

So we lied to you
about the time.

Yeah! You don't need perfect
people to make a perfect team.

You need people whose flaws
feed into each other.

It's what do you call it?

Co-dependence.

Synergy.

For instance, there might be
something Britta hates doing,

but Annie loves doing.

Or there might be something
that Annie hates doing, but

she does it anyways, because what
she really loves is to feel useful.

You literally just
defined co-dependence.

Here's to synergy.

Oh, look at you.

You little helper.

Oh. Okay,

do you Garrett take Jack Nicholson
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

I do, Johnny.

We invented a new game.

Celebrity Garrett marriage.

Christian Slater to be
your lawfully wedded wife.

I do.

I do.

Boo.

There's only Nicholson.

Yeah, well, listen to him.

We were genius to pad
the time margin.

Because now we have, like, three
more hours to play the game.

Okay.

Do you, Garrett, take Aubrey
Plaza to be your wife?

I do.

I do.

Wait.

What do you mean,
three more hours?

How is that even possible?

What, what time is the wedding?

Wait, what time is it now?

We're late.

We're late.

Aah!

Gather everyone to the car.

What? Yeah.

We'll drive together.

We are not driving together.

It's already been settled.

Nothing was settled.

What?

They left me home alone.

I'm home alone.

Well, not really.

What the hell you doing?

C'mon, let's go, go,
go, go, go, go, go.

Okay geez.

Abed, you too.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

We are here to witness
the union of Garrett and

Stacy in the eyes of, well in the
eyes of whatever power you choose.

Personally, I find the notion of
choosing to be needlessly limited.

What if I'm capable of
total contradiction?

What if science and religion
were mine to wield as I choose?

What if I'm God?

What if I'm God?

It is likely that I am not, but

I think it's totally out of line to
take that possibility off of the table.

Now, I understand that
vows have been written.

Stacy, when I first saw you,
looking at you made me feel good.

Touching you, felt better and

knowing you made me realize that
without you, I, I am incomplete.

I know I look pretty complete.

Somebody over there laughed
at that the wrong way.

You are my body and my soul.

You are my favorite video game.

Yes.

Come on.

Guys, guys guys.

Everybody's looking at us.

Your was louder
than what I said.

Welcome! Everyone back
there, you're welcome.

Please join us.

Any of those people
could be God.

Okay.

Over there.

Yeah. Oh.

Yes. Ow!

Garrett, since we met you
have felt so familiar.

I love making
sandwiches with you.

I love folding towels with you.

I love giving you your pain
killers, at the end of the day.

Aw.

Well that, those
aren't really vows.

That's a list of things
you love about me, yeah.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Garrett, do you take Stacy to
be your lawfully wedded wife.

I do.

Stacy, do you take Garrett to be
your lawfully wedded husband,

to have and to
hold and to honor.

Yes I do.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
And Mrs.

Garrett Lambert, Garrett
you may kiss Mrs. Garrett.

Where the party at?

Okay, let's endure this.

Are we mailing today, or what?

Who would have thought Barrett's

wedding would be the
best day of our lives.

Definitely not Garrett, since
his name's not Barrett.

Whoopsie.

We say a wrong a name.

Oh!

Racist.

Oh, no. You a racist.

That guy's a racist.

From here to there is racist.

Hm.

Oh.

Hi. Having a good time?

Oh, yes.

Are you Garrett's mom?

I sure am.

Aw.

I think you guys could maybe take a
step back, gain a little perspective,

so you don't wreck the whole night
for some really wonderful people.

You came to a wedding in the
middle of the vows through a bush.

I'm not Dr. Phil, but, I don't
want my son to kill himself,

so, do what you gotta do!

Yeah.

Hm.

Holy crap.

What have we done?

Okay, we just got checked.

Mm-hm. And it was
pretty deserved.

But, we're not just gonna stand
here and lick our wounds either.

Jeff is right.

And that chipper passive
aggressive lady, she's right, too.

So, let's spread out and-Be the best
wedding guests, anyone has ever seen!

Yes.

Yeah. I'm not gonna over think
it, I'm just gonna try it.

Try it. Okay.

Yes.

Hey.

Mazel tov.

So, a stranger walked over to our very
proud group and smashed our pride

into pieces with a hammer, which
definitely felt like a disaster.

Then, I started to pick up the pieces
of our pride, and weirdly enough,

the first piece I picked up
was my own pride, all of it.

It's almost like groups
and people in groups,

can never be complete
at the same time.

Does that make any sense?

No? Well, that's your problem.

I love you, Abed.

Do I know how to be a
good wedding guest?

Yes, I do.

A little too well,
that's the problem.

My name is Elroy Patashnik,
and from 2006 to 2009,

I was addicted to
encouraging white people.

All right!

Now there's a man who
knows his meatballs.

Thank you.

It started as simple survival.

The tech industry in the
90s, this face, this voice,

they're either gonna help
you or hold you back.

So, you tap the gas, because
well, why tap the brake?

Oh, you know, you know
what you're doing.

This man knows exactly
what he's doing.

I learned the cheat code.

White people like encouragement.

It really doesn't
matter what for.

Now, that's a
container for liquid.

I never felt like a sellout.

I never laugh at anything unfunny,
never said anything untrue.

The thing is, and this
will sound racist,

white people are very discouraged,
and very discouraging to each other.

Sweetie, you, you're getting meatball
juice everywhere but your plate.

I think I'm going better than
you are, with your asparagus.

Oh, now that's the way
to handle meatballs.

And look at you.

Working that asparagus.

So, the day you start telling them,
hey, just do what you're doing!

I love you.

I love you.

You feel like a superhero.

But, what's the danger?

Why'd I stop?

You know, same as anything
else that makes you feel good.

If you don't put a lid on it.

Oh, look at these pants.

Oh, oh, oh.

He should keep on wearing,

keep on wearing his pants.

There's no lid.

Stacy has a 90 year
old meemaw here.

I pushed her around
the dance floor.

I think she liked it.

No, that's Polly.

No, Great Aunt Polly
is Garrett's side.

I haven't met her.

Oh my God, do you think she
saw me pushing meemaw, and

now she's wondering
what's wrong with her?

I'll be right back.

Annie, the world will still need
you after you finish your cake.

Am I that bad?

We have the same dragon.

Eventually you will slay it, or train
it, or dissolve in its stomach.

Its name is Helping Others.

If I train it, can I
give it a cooler name?

If you train it, you can
do anything you want.

If you slay it, I don't know.

I guess you get a new
dragon named Yourself.

And then you'd be Jeff Winger.

Yeah, that guy needs help!

What would you name your dragon?

I think we need a
list of dragon names.

Yeah! And then we need to
get you away from Jeff.

Is what I wanted to say, but
how is that my business?

You don't show these to
people when you finish them?

No. Okay, good.

So then why do you
make them, again?

It relaxes me.

It's like knitting
with less discipline.

Princess Firebreath.

Sir Pent.

Doctor Rachel Spinetail.

Holly Hotbreath.

Ugh.

Jimmy Talon.

Christian Scale.

I got into a bit of a
celebrity pun barrel here.

Carson Scaley.

Jude Claw.

Ariana Puffington.

Hi. Are these your
biggest ice cubes?

No, you're boisterous!

Where's my brother!?

I've gotta thing to say
about my friend Garrett!

There has been a plot twist in the story
of our comeback as wedding guests.

Garrett's older brother Bones has
relapsed during his weekend pass and

will be unable to do
the best man toast.

You got him?

So, I took Garrett's
mom's side and

told her after our behavior today, it
was the least I could do for them.

And I'm not gonna Winger speech
it, this is a thing of substance.

We pooled all the inside info
based on all the mingling, and

this toast is rocket
fueled selflessness.

And this wedding is gonna regret the
day it thought we'd make it about us.

Because we're about to be the first
guests in history to out-toast

the entire wedding party.

God, I love my job!

Wait, this isn't my job.

God, I love myself!

That was Stacy's first time!

But it's not gonna be her
last time, right Garrett?

So many classic toast errors.

A fire hydrant
could follow this.

I love you so much, and
please, keep painting.

Don't let Garrett, don't paint.

Don't let Garrett keep
you from painting.

Okay, I'm done.

Okay, Stacy's friend
Andi everybody.

Next up we have a
replacement best man,

Garrett's friend from Greendale
College, Jeffrey Winger.

There's a lot of things I
can say about this couple.

They're both in my class
at Greendale, and

like all my students, I
give them till about June.

No, you guys'll be fine forever, as
long as Stacy never lets Andi babysit.

Or go near a child.

Or be in the same town
as a pair of scissors.

This girl's a wreck.

He's being too mean.

No, he's reading the room.

Andi was a bummer,
they needed this.

Life's about two people
merging their lives, but

that means two families are
leaving here tonight as one.

That's a big deal.

Now my friends and I came here
tonight as outsiders, but

thanks to some good advice,

we spent the night learning about
these two clans of outsiders.

We learned that Garrett's
uncle Tony is a photographer.

But Uncle Tony, did you know that
Stacy's friend Lawrence makes and

sells frames?

Yeah, look each other up,
get some business going.

Oh, and Garrett's neighbor
Dawn loves vintage cars.

Stacy's chiropractor Susan
brought her dad, and guess what?

Her dad worked in an
automobile factory in the 60s.

Yeah, I know, these are the kind of
things you learn being the biggest

jerks at a wedding.

Here's another golden
nugget in the gravel.

Some of you have worked the dance floor
with Garrett's divine great aunt

Polly, 90 years young.

And some of you chatted with Stacy's
meemaw, also 90 years young.

Now, I don't know if they've
even met before tonight,

but we did learn that both of
them were born in the same town.

Sheridan, Wyoming.

Now Garrett and Stacy, would you
mind getting them both out here?

All right.

Yeah!

I know Aunt Polly's here.

Isn't she beautiful?

Okay.

Who has got eyes on meemaw?

This is meemaw.

Oh, this is meemaw!

Okay, I feel like an idiot.

I'm so, so sorry.

Garrett, where's Aunt Polly?

Okay.

I, now I don't feel as stupid
because either someone

here is lying, or this family's
a lot closer than we thought.

And now, this is a man that
knows how to marry his cousin.

None of this would have happened
if I wasn't always trying to help.

Actually, none of this would have
happened if I hadn't tried helping you

with your helpfulness.

Oh, don't torture
yourself with that logic.

None of us would have met
if Hitler hadn't been born.

Also none of Britta's arguments
would have a default analogy.

Excuse me?

He's saying you go to
the Hitler well a lot.

What are you, Hitler, Hitler?

Okay, Britta, we're all the worst
right now, take a day off.

I did.

Between us ruining the ceremony and
ruining the reception when we were all

just individual people,
I wasn't the worst.

I'm only the worst
with you guys.

Well, me too. Me too.

I was a good dean
before you guys.

Aw.

You can't disprove it.

I relapsed because of you guys.

What? Oh it's not a big deal.

White people problems.

Oh.

I like this group.

I'm at my best when
I'm with you guys.

Well, that clinches it.

Separate cabs.

Separate cabs.

Separate cabs.

Hi!

For those still with us, we won't
be cutting the cake or dancing.

And I believe there was a guy in a
Homer Simpson costume that was gonna

surprise me.

That won't be necessary!

Drive safe, and thank
you for coming.

What are you going to do?

Chang!

Chang!

We're going home.

Are you gonna stay married?

Chang!

Chang! Chang!

We consulted with a lawyer, and

it is legal in this state
to marry your cousin.

But after talking to our family,
we feel an annulment is warranted.

What no, screw that.

Chang. No.

Chang. No.

Chang, get back here.

Hey, screw you guys.

No, this family
is so screwed up,

you thought you were two
different families.

Now that you know you're not,

you can't wait to leave, and
you want this guy to do what?

Forget he's in love?

For you?

You want him to take one
for this crappy team?

Let him finish.

They were letting
me finish, sir.

I know, I was being sarcastic.

Okay, you know?

Garrett, who loves you
here more than Stacy?

Nobody.

Stacy, is it your fault
Garrett's your cousin?

No.

Is anyone here going to make
less fun of these two or

be better friends to them
no matter what they do?

No. No.

No.

It's you against the world,
and you will not win.

But, you get to make your moves.

Not them.

Stacy, will you be my
legally incestuous wife?

Yes.

Everyone stay and eat
cake, or go to hell.

This is about me.

I didn't think I could
do it, but I did.

Smile.

Smile.

Garrett, look up.

Yay!

Oh.

So much Jenny.

Wow, what an episode
of Community.

Hi, I'm Briggs Haddon credited
author of this weeks episode.

You might have noticed an
emphasis on the topic of incest,

well that's no accident.

For the past two years, when not
serving as writer's assistant on

Community, I've been researching
incest on the internet.

What I found, surprised me.

Did you know that first cousins can
have children without great risk of

birth defect or genetic disease?

That's a quote directly from the
New York Times, April 4, 2002.

But despite this
scientific fact,

state laws on incest remain
inconsistent and woefully outdated.

I mean I, I can make love to
my cousin in Nebraska, but if

I take her on a date in South Dakota,
I'm looking at 15 years prison time.

I told the Community writers,
attention must be paid.

They said they'd allow me to
address it on one condition.

At the end of the episode, I must
appear and identify myself as a writer.

Look, I'm not trying to tell
you how to feel about incest,

I'm just letting you know, there's
more to it than you've been told.

I'm Briggs Haddon, and I wrote the
Community season six, incest episode.

Good night.

Did you get any of that?