Community (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 11 - Modern Espionage - full transcript

From the marble steps of old DC
to the sun soaked Tampa coast.

I have been to every place where
you can find a human race but

I have been Vicki the mooooooost!

I'm gonna go get a shovel,
because theater is dead.

Shh.

Hi Starburns.

Todd, you know you don't have to
creep around to be weird, right?

You're weird at picnics.

Did you hear about the paintball game?

Yeah, I heard there was no paintball.

I heard it was banned.



Well, you can't believe
everything you hear.

Okay, you just asked
if I heard something and

now you're invalidating the whole.

Oh! Aah!

Do you know why I beat you, Todd?

Seriously, you don't?

Cuz I don't either, but that was insane.

I'm 50, here.

I think, I think I could win this year.

I think I can go all the way.

Actually, you'll be settling for silver.

Names, you give me names or
you're expelled, that simple.

I told ya, I don't know nothing
about no secret paintball games.

This is from huffing paint, I swear.



Escort Alex Osbourne off campus.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hold your horse panties.

You didn't tell me you knew my name.

Look, I was about to take Todd
out, and then we both got shot.

Guy was invisible.

A ghost.

Uses silver paint.

A ghost?

So no name?

I'd call him Silver Ghost, but

that's probably already taken by an
indie comic book or a terrible tequila.

Bye forever Starburns.

No.

No. No, no, no, no.

No, don't make me. Frankie?

Dean, I respect that you are
my boss, so either fire me or

let me handle this and go to your office.

I want to give your paintball
friends a message, Jeff.

Good morning.

This era is over.

It was fun while it lasted,
but now mommy's home.

Everybody with a gun
will be expelled or fired.

Don't worry, Miss Dart.

My boys and I will get
this cleaned up in no time.

Thank you.

Jeff, do you know Deputy Custodian Lapari.

Oh, we haven't had the pleasure
because Mr. Winger has caused me nothing

but pain over the years
with his paint balling.

I'm sorry. I quit that.

That's behind me.

Sure it is.

Handling turds has rubbed off on him.

Custodian Lapari is gonna be
honored this week at the Gala for

a Cleaner Greendale.

I'd like you to introduce him.

Why would I do that?

Because you're the de
facto leader of Greendale.

And if you gave a speech coming out
against paintball, it might end it.

No. No.

Just because I'm not playing doesn't
mean I'm the weenie that tells

people not to.

Please?

If not for Greendale, then for me?

I'll think about it.

Look, I was a different guy back then.

Yeah. Two, never mind.

Well, Frankie's upset.

Did she break up with someone?

Which gender?

I don't care, but everybody else does.

She's upset about paintball.

Paint?

Ball?

Occasionally our campus erupts into
a flawless, post modern, homage to

action adventure mythology,
mischaracterized by the ignorant as parody.

Apparently, now that Frankie's declared
it illegal, it's gone underground,

and is still happening as we speak.

Well maybe for freshman, but

honestly we've kind of
done it to death, right?

Done it?

Nailed it? I've won a few time now.

No, who keeps track of that?

Lame! I'm thinking mostly about Frankie.

She's our friend, and she cares about
this school, and I think it would

break her heart if she caught
any of us undermining her goals.

Yeah. Yeah.

I agree. A reasonable agreement.

You're both right.

Well, meeting adjourned, I guess. Hm-hm.

This is good.

I'm glad we all agree not to do this.

Is gonna make it a lot
easier for me to beat you.

What the hell?

They killed meeeeeee!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't do anything stupid.

Do something stupid.

I thought we weren't playing.

Is this an alliance?

I don't know, is it?

Who's people? Cut the crap, Elroy.

Stop that, what are you doing?

Aah! Go back to class.

Winger's playing paintball.

No, he's not.

Don't think about it, don't think about it.

Don't do it.

Grow up.

What are you doing?

I'm not playing.

For a guy who's not playing, you
sure are shooting a bunch of mothers.

That was instinct.

I can't help being a bad ass.

But I am not playing.

Okay, so let's make this painless.

Take it easy. Leave her alone.

Stop it.

Knock it off.

Frankie is coming.

What is important to you people?

Jeff Winger shot me.

Do I use echo location to navigate?

Why would you ask that after
learning you aren't a bat?

Hello.

Hi, Frankie.

Frankie.

Yes, Jeff, student just passed by
me and said you shot him with paint.

Okay.

So, you are definitely
not playing paint ball?

No.

Frankie, I've been cool up
until now, but I gotta tell you,

I'm starting to get offended
by your suspicion about this.

Well. Well is a hole in the
ground when you're thirsty.

Oh. I'm telling you, I
ain't playing no paintball.

Boo hee haw, boo hew haw, bam.

Okay, take it easy guys.

And for what it's worth, thank
you for teaching me the cool,

new way to respond to
people saying the word well.

All right guys.

Bye Franks take it easy.

Would you stop doing that?

Don't hate the player.

Colloquialisms aside, Annie's right.

The thing to hate this year is the game.

Can I show you all something?

You know this game is being run
anonymously through an online server, but

who set it up?

They haven't left a clue which is a
really big clue because if they're this

good at anything.

Why are they here?

Whoever's running this server is
offering a huge cash prize to the winner.

More evidence they don't go here.

And they seem to have
their own man in the game.

You've probably heard about a mysterious
player using silver paint balls.

Well, look at these IP addresses.

If that means what I think it
means, we're dealing with gibberish.

Those are mine.

That's a student or

teacher on this campus opening an
encrypted tunnel to an off campus site.

Big deal.

I do that all the time.

Oh, I save it all up for Saturday night.

You're right, it's no big deal.

Unless you always do it immediately
before a paintball player is taken out

with premium grade silver
paintballs by an unknown shooter.

And unless the IP that you're
connecting to is this one.

Aah, of course.

So who's the Silver paintballs guy?

Spy, assassin, mercenary, bad
person walking among us laughing,

laughing quietly.

And then if we look pretending that
he was looking at something funny.

I suppose you all should be in trouble.

But desperate deans hm, but

desperates, but des, but

desperate deans call
for Deansperate measures.

From here on out, you work for me.

Everything you're saying
just proves my point,

that the only way to lose
this game is to play it.

And I say we do the honest
thing, and tell Frankie.

The school's playing and losing
already, Frankie included.

If the people in this room play to win,

we can not only take City College's money.

We can expose Silverballs, and, in
turn, City College, and save Greendale.

Which is basically saving Frankie.

All right, so we lay low, and we
try to find out who Silverballs is.

But we're not, to be clear,
we did not vote on that name.

Here's a name you don't have to vote on.

You just became the Secret
Dean Force, The Dean Boys,

Task Force Dean, His Dean, Secret People.

I know the word Dean is in it.

Because when the politicians fail,
and the peace talks fall apart.

When it seems like all is lost, and

nobody really needs the Dean
anymore because Frankie's here.

That's when you go in.

The last bastion of a bygone
era when people respected me.

Dean Force One.

If you're gonna hang around,
we could use some water.

On it.

Club Club, the last club
I thought I'd ever join.

Your target is a small time
paintball munitions dealer.

All we know is he's a white male over
30 and his street name is Fun Dad.

All right is everybody in this
club ready to party the way they

do in clubs?

Connor stop horsing around
with Billy and party.

DJ might be the guy from MeowMeowBeenz.

We need clean intelligence, Abed.

No references, call backs.

Excuse me good sir, if
I could have the mic.

Attention shoppers there's a sale
on partying in my pants aisle.

Everything in my pants must go.

Well not everything, that
doesn't, you know what I.

Koogler?

Aladdin. I thought your name was Fun Dad.

No.

That was easy.

I need ammunition.

Are you a narc? Why would
I answer that honestly?

Good point.

It's how most people answer, so.

Yeah, come on, it's a bad question.

You just get so many narcs.

Hey don't forget.

There's a sign up sheet on the
back wall for Club Club Club.

Listen, I'm so glad Omar that
you're interested in paintball.

Now I have to tell you,
no shooting in here.

The first rule of Club Club is
that we are not a fight club.

The second rule is that if you're a
hot lady, you have to have sex with me.

And then there's a bunch of rules and

restriction that they've just now been
adding because of the lawsuits based

on that, second rule, which,
I'm not allowed to call a rule.

That was my screw up.

Let me show you what I've got here.

All right, these are blue travelers.

I think I've got some sarcastic
mellow yellows in here.

Those are great.

And these are green meanies.

They explode on contact, and
they mark your target with paint.

That's a description of every paint ball.

Okay, so you know your stuff.

Why don't I give you a pro discount?

I'm thinking something more
exotic, something in silver?

Yeah, okay, great.

I think that's a great idea, you know?

You want to stay in the game?

Talk.

Okay, look.

If you're a narc, you can't play.

And if you're playing,
I do accept sex for ammo.

Or beer, right?

But not Bitcoin.

I mean, I believe in it.

I just, I think I feel
like I need it to stabilize.

Who is Silver Man?

My accountant?

Oh, how do you know David?

You know what I mean.

Who buys the silver ammo?

Oh, look, if i tell you
that, I'm pretendsies dead.

Koogler? We got him.

That's good.

Then he wont be needing this.

Koogler's thumb drive is actually
a hardware encryption key.

Hm, can it be unencrypted?

No, you use it to decrypt
something encrypted.

A key with a lock on it.

I'll give our enemy this.

They're clever.

Why did they pair us together?

Look, a message chain between
Koogler and Silverballs.

Now he's ordering a huge batch of ammo, and

stressing that he needs it
before the Cleaner Greendale Gala.

City College is
- Whoa!

Oh! City College is going
to crash Frankie's Gala.

And here's where Silverballs
decides on silver balls.

Which color will look coolest
against a navy blue jumpsuit?

Who wears a jumpsuit to a black tie gala?

The guest of honor.

Is your Internet not working?

It's one photo.

It's taking an hour.

You have keystrokes programmed
to, eesh, that's dorky.

Looks like we'll be renting formal wear.

I'll measure Jeffrey.

Mister Winger, you clean up nice.

Oh, come on. I'm always good looking.

This seems ambitious.

Well, the monorail is more symbolic
of our potential than it is potential,

and none of our buildings
will ever be shaped like this.

But with a little work,
this is how we could feel.

You should be proud.

Thank you, Jeff, for supporting this.

Why is that in your ear?

Oh, I'm raising awareness of
Armenian American stereotypes.

Bale to belfry.

Let's check in.

Should stereotypes have
their awareness raised, I?

Oh, good lord.

I'm questioning you again.

Why?

Follow your bliss, sir.

You've earned it.

Keaton to belfry, I need to
just all make sure we are very,

very careful here.

Bale to Keaton,

why don't you set a good example
by keeping your mind on the mission?

And your eyes on the prize.

Prize is secure.

Keaton out.

West to belfry.

Entrances secure.

Keaton to Kilmer, status.

Kilmer to Belfry, I'm
currently examining a spoon,

only I'm not really examining it.

I'm using it was cover while
watching a somewhat suspicious waiter.

Voice of Diedrich Bader to belfry.

I've checked the custodial
wing for the third time.

Can I come join the mission now?

Negative voice of Diedrich Bader.

Continue to check the custodial wing,

and then check the parameter
of the inside of your office.

Okay.

And for the record, I feel
very vulnerable without a gun.

Ugh, I know that someone
plays in this thing.

Hey there, Dean.

We need a custodian.

Dean.

Dean.

Dean.

Dean.

Clooney to belfry I've
got a bogey with a gun.

Excuse me.

I wasn't talking to you,
I was ordering dinner.

Yes hello can I get a bogey with a
gun no pickles and three orders of gun.

Damn it.

Clooney slooped the bogey, now
he's headed for the kitchen.

Should we go?

Negative, we don't know it's our man.

Kilmer, Clooney do nothing unless
you can do it quietly and calmly.

Whoa, what the hell?

No. Nothing.

Are you ready?

Yes.

Clooney to Kilmer.

What? Should I come in now?

No, no you can't ever come
in ever, you're sloppy.

Excuse me can I have a word with you?

About what?

Well, there's been some reports
about a paintball game on campus.

Oh yeah, you better believe
the kitchen boys are playing and

this year we got a new winning strategy.

Let the idiots come to you.

Oh really, oh Britta you can come in now.

Oh!

Boom boom!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

I'm sorry!

Agh.

Oh! Agh!

I stand before you one of Greendale's
biggest perpetrators of paint related

mayhem and I am happy to say that
those days are fully behind our school.

Looking back on those dark days,
it's clear that the only heroes were

the janitors and the custodians
left to clean up our messes.

Oh!

Ow!

Oh, ow!

Ow!

Oh.

Oh.

So it is with great shame and
poetic irony that I present

the custodial innovation award
to Vice Custodian, Lapari.

What the hell are you doing in there?

Jeff, focus.

You all right, man?

Yes. It wasn't our guy.

The assassin is not in the kitchen.

He's still at large.

And now let's all enact what I
hope will become a yearly tradition,

the popping of the balloons.

What?

And Stay calm, check your zones.

Who's that?

Where?

Where?

I don't see anything.

Him.

Oh!

Sorry.

It's the custodians.

Greendale's custodial staff is running
the underground paintball tournament

probably with City College money.

The people that clean Greendale
don't want a cleaner Greendale,

they want Greendale to be afraid
of itself and reliant on them.

Oh, what an exciting story.

We're got a real life
M Night Shamalyan here.

It's Shyamalan.

Unfortunately, as with his stories
I don't anticipate yours holding up.

Easy target.

Who's heckling me?

Oh, of course, it's the Indian guy.

I'm Arabic.

Ow, okay, let's go with that.

Anyway, you know what goes
great with crazy stories?

Evidence. You're the evidence.

Come back to our side and tell the
truth, so City College can be exposed.

Or I could leave and get
a job at City College,

where their pay phones aren't only
herpe-free, they're actually removed.

You think City College will
take you if you lose their

paintball prize money?

I don't know how many men you
have left in your game, but

if you're leaving this room,
it needs to be a small army.

Oh!

Mm.

Okay. I agree.

Annie look

out.

Oh.

An eye for an eye.

Oh.

Aah!

Oh!

No!

No!

Aah!

Ow!

We're the last ones left?

Cover me.

Oh, dreams do come true!

Okay, we got him.

He went into a supply closet.

I know.

I guess to a custodian, a
supply closet is like a location.

I'm actually relieved. I thought
this was gonna be a whole gauntlet.

My heart was not in it.

I mean, I shot a disabled kid.

I can't do this anymore.

What are you looking at?

This isn't a closet.

Oh, it's really nice of you guys to visit,

not that you ever would
have done it intentionally.

Your steamy pipes can't stop us.

Well, it would be a pretty
bad museum exhibit if it could.

Give it up, Lapari.

Hey Dean, I have a microphone.

You have a beer.

God has a plan.

I have a beer?

It's an old stand up line
for using up hecklers.

Keep moving.

Did you do stand up?

Is that how you became a custodian?

Listen man, I was there in the 90s.

I did a few open mic nights.

I saw what karaoke did.

It wasn't cool man.

We're not so different, you and I, Dean.

Don't you see we're both
in the same situation?

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Screw it. Shoot them all.

One of them is him.

Shoot every single one.

He's not back here.

Okay.

Reload.

Must be a mock jousting
bridge over sawdust canyon.

We're both dinosaurs roaring
in vain at the mammals.

What do you think was gonna
happen when you let Frankie Dart

into our world?

How much more clean can she make
the school before she notices

the dirtiest thing of all about it.

You think I'm a villain, but I'm not.

I'm defending a place where we
all get to be our own heroes.

We're all here because none
of us can have nice things.

I thought you guys were mannequins!

What a backfire!

Is the money real?

No mater who wins?

Dean, what are you doing?

What are you thinking about?

I don't know, I don't know.

He's right, Jeffrey.

A cleaner Greendale is
like a healthier cigarette.

Yes, a carrot stick.

Frankie can make us a carrot stick.

We're tobacco.

No, we are not tobacco.

We are Robert Downey Jr,

he was so high he was
crawling into people's windows.

Now he's Iron Man.

We self destruct like this because
we'd rather be heroes than villains than

just kind of sucky people, that need
to work a lot at getting less sucky.

She will forgive us.

I know her, I like her, and if
she fires either of you, I'll quit.

She's not the enemy, she can help us.

We just have to cool it.

It's true, what he said.

If you guys lower your guns, I'm
not gonna throw you a party, but

I'm not going to get anyone fired either.

I'll see you Monday, idiots.

So who wins?

What do we
-. Okay,

on the count of three we're
gonna shoot ourselves in the foot.

One, two.

Ow.

I'll see you guys on Monday.

And the Pope looks at the
giraffe and says I'm in the room.

Sorry I can't remember the whole joke.

That's okay it sounds very
funny based on the last line.

Frankie's gonna be here
soon we should get ready.

We're not seriously
still doing this are we?

We promised everyday for a
week do we want her to quit?

Good morning everyone.

Wah.

So, where did we leave off last time?

Hm. Yes, sir.

I like big trucks.

I saw a fire truck today.

Interesting point.

Would anyone care to comment?

Elroy?

I made a stinky.

Worth considering.

Next item?

How do you pronounce pasketti?

Spaghetti.

What else?

Can we go to the zoo?

Well, that raises a very important point.

We can do anything we want if, and
this is very important, if we grow up.

All in favor?

Wah.

Then she starts singing about
all the places she's been.

Which, by the way, seems
to be a total of two.

One of which is old DC.

Old DC.

Okay fine, Vicki, you're a
music major, not a history major.

And the whole mother thing, I mean the
two big feathers in her cap are that

she hasn't let anything change her, a
triumph she shared with most animals,

and all dirt, and the
fact that her mother died,

which is like one thing all mother's do.

I mean, was she a good mother?

Did she collect stamps?

Did she race cars?

We don't know!

We don't know her name, I think if
you ask Vicki the color of her mother's

eyes, she would say dead.

Or, maybe she would say $7 a seat.

It's bad man, I am telling you.

Nobody is safe, nobody is safe.

Blue.

They were a very pale shade of blue.

I'm sorry my show didn't
honor her memory properly.

I'll try to make it up to you.

Actually we both will a, a,
at the premier of our new show.

Vicki and Garrett.

Let's have a hand for
Vicki's mother everybody.

Stand up Connie.

Vicki's mother, Vicki's mother!

Boo!

We'd rather you boo.

It means you felt something.

That's right.

You can boo.

And, Andy Kaufman loved booing.

Mm-hm.

Then again, we did put a
fair share of work into this.

Like, you don't have to be dicks.

Did you get any of that?

Yahoo!