Community (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 11 - G.I. Jeff - full transcript

Cobra, Cobra, Cobra,

Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra,
Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra.

Cobra! Destroy
the Taj Mahal.

Cobra!

Not if G.I. Joe can help it.

Roadblock, deep six.
Hold off those hiss tanks.

- Yo, Joe!
- Hat Muffs, Pit Take,

shoot down those rattlers.

Um, excuse me, sir.

Why is Cobra attacking a tourist
attraction with zero tactical value,

and with all due respect to India,
why are we defending it?



Tightship, you can overhaul G.I. Joe
when you're commander.

Which will clearly happen any day now, as
long as your **** stay on full display.

Whoa, Buzzkill, language.

No, you can't have ice cream for lunch.
Put your brother on the phone.

Three Kids, put down that phone.
We're in the middle of a battle.

Oh, screw you, Flint. I'm in a
battle called having three kids.

Guys, we're a squad.
You're making me look bad.

Well, if you're so great,
Wingman, show us how it's done.

With pleasure.

We'll meet again, G.I. Joe.

Good shooting, Wingman, but it
looks like Destro's getting away.

- Not necessarily, sir.
- Jeez!

What? Oh, no. What are you doing? Hey!
Are you crazy? Wha... uh...

Yo, Joe!



What?

What, we're... we're
not saying it together?

Yo, Joe!

♪ He'll fight for freedom,
wherever there's trouble ♪

♪ G.I. Joe is there ♪

♪ G.I. Joe ♪
♪ American hero ♪

♪ G.I. Joe is there ♪

♪ It's G.I. Joe ♪

♪ Against Cobra the enemy ♪

♪ Fighting to save the day ♪

♪ He never gives up,
he's always there ♪

♪ Fighting for freedom
over land and air ♪

♪ G.I. Joe ♪
♪ A real American hero ♪

♪ G.I. Joe is there ♪

G.I. Joe is the code name
for America's daring,

awesomely trained,
awesome mission force.

Its purpose... to fight Cobra,
because they're terrorists.

Look, I think I'm over-explaining it.
The bad guys are snakes,

and the good guys
are army people.

♪ He never gives up ♪

♪ He'll stay till the fight's won ♪

♪ G.I. Joe will dare ♪

♪ G.I. Joe ♪
♪ A real American hero ♪

♪ G.I. Joe ♪

Wingman, Three Kids, Buzzkill, Tightship,
you stand accused of violence,

suggestive language, and mature situations
unbecoming of G.I. Joe. What say you?

Look, I understand
this is the first time

a G.I. Joe has killed anyone
in all of recorded history.

- However...
- However, let's be truthful.

- This is a very disorganized militia.
- Yeah, what's anyone's rank?

We're all just dressed like
serial killers and strippers.

- I have three kids.
- You guys are not helping.

Duke, Flint, Scarlett, yes,
it's true I killed Destro.

And I promise not to do it again.
But is it really a crime?

Is Cobra not a ruthless terrorist
organization determined to rule the world?

And if we never kill them, are
we not basically on their side?

And won't this war therefore last
forever unless we finish killing Cobra

or start killing
ourselves?

How long are we in
here, Cold Shoulder?

Cold Shoulder? What's
with that guy?

"Start killing Cobra
or killing ourselves"?

We were in the fourth down.
It was a hail mary.

This place is a graveyard
for G.I. Joe rejects.

Look who's in here...
Deep Dish, Shark Arms,

Weird Head, Home Free, Place
Holder, Sleep Apnea, and us!

I have three kids. This is
the worst day of my life.

Is it life?

My name is Fourth Wall.

And I believe that what
we perceive as life

is actually a syndicated
children's cartoon.

What? Shut up,
Fourth Wall.

If this were a cartoon, there'd
be a word for "cartoon"

in our language,
which there isn't.

There'd also be less movement, less detail,
and constant lip-sync mistakes.

What if I told you there was
more, a higher reality,

with more than 65 colors and
at least three dimensions?

Then I guess someone would have to
lock you up with the crazy people.

Oh, good.

I recently infiltrated a
secret Cobra dig site,

code name: Greendale.

What did you say?

Cobra has discovered an ancient buried
structure filled with strange things.

Look.

- Oh, yeah, look at that.
- It's a child's toy.

The toy was more real
than this at Greendale.

Ow, oof.

- What is that word?
- Greendale?

Cobra's out to take over the
world, but G.I. Joe is there.

- G.I. Joe must be destroyed.
- Cobra hiss coming for attack!

It's the new G.I. Joe
submachopter, piloted by Wingman.

- Retreat!
- Yo, Joe!

We are in a toy commercial!

I can't hear you when
you're covered in rocks.

It doesn't hurt because
it isn't real.

- Good job, Wingman.
- Thank you, Duke.

G.I. Joe is my entire life.

Yo, Joe!

All other figures and
vehicles sold separately.

- Wingman, what happened?
- I don't know.

He clearly has a connection
to the non-cartoon reality.

- When I mentioned Greenda...
- Shut up. Stop saying that word.

You're some kind of demon man, and... and
your outfit is three layers of racist.

Oh, my God, he's having an attack.
Jeff, can you hear us? It's Annie.

- What did you just call me?
- Jeffrey, do you know where you are?

Be quiet. Leave me alone. I... I don't
belong here. I belong in G.I. Joe.

Ow! And don't touch me. Who
wears a saw on their arm?

The first time I met Destro,

he asked me if he should have
his entire head coated in chrome.

I said, "No. How
would you do that?"

How would that even work?

Look, I'm not
good at eulogies

because I've never
had to give one.

All I want to know is,
how did G.I. Joe do this?

We've been shooting at each
other and missing for 20 years.

Now all of a sudden...
Unbelievable.

- What?
- Cobra Commander,

it's Vice Cobra
Assistant Commander.

We just got a very interesting
energy surge at the Greendale site.

Oh, okay. That's
super fascinating.

Um, Destro's dead!

Oh, my gosh, Destro?
Were you guys close?

Were we close? Yes!
What kind of a question is...

Okay, fine. I loved him!

Is that what you
want to hear?

Called it.

And we are going to find
out how this happened,

and G.I. Joe is
going to pay-bra!

I riffed that.

No wrong answers.

It's a condition that comes on
when you get to a certain weight.

- Oh, I see.
- So is there a Mr. Tightship, or...

Um...

That's a code three. Cobra forces
are infiltrating the base.

Cobra!

Avenge my totally
platonic friend!

- Oh, great, and we're stuck in here.
- We don't have to be.

For 15 years, I have used my trademark
tablespoon to excavate a tunnel,

swallowing handfuls of
dirt and rock with my meals

and listening only to Smashmouth
in order to justify this poster.

Now I am within inches
of reaching the...

Come on, if we help save the base, maybe
they'll let us be G.I. Joes again.

Battle stations!

Snakes at 6:00.

Okay, now remember...
don't kill anybody.

Just lay down a suppressive
fire, like this.

Oh, my gosh! I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

Oh, man. Oh, darn it.

Yeah, I'd say
they're suppressed.

Jeez. Aw, was
that lifeline?

- Sorry!
- Someone's killing people.

It's Wingman! He's escaped!

Lay down a
suppressive fire!

They're suppressive
firing at us!

I think we'll be okay. Remember,
this is all just a cartoon

- about action figures for kids.
- Shut up, Fourth Wall,

and get into the new G.I.
Joe submachopter

with twin rocket launchers
and rotating attack jet.

All I want to do is be a good G.I.
Joe. What's wrong with me?

I'm not sure, but I think our
answers will be at Greendale.

Ugh.

Whoops.

Shouldn't somebody
be flying the plane?

- It's submachopter.
- Whatever.

Will somebody grab the stick? I
don't wanna die up here! Oh, Lord!

The G.I. Joe mutineers are even worse
than Cobra because they're traitors.

- Buzzkill...
- All government is a lie.

- Tightship...
- I control everything, or else!

- Three Kids...
- My family comes first.

- Fourth Wall... - Doesn't this guy also
do the voice for He-man commercials?

And their nefarious,
ruthless leader, Wingman.

Hey, that's not true!
I love G.I. Joe!

I don't know, man.
Seems like you hate it.

This is all a
misunderstanding.

Tell it to the judge.

Everything is sold separately. Assembly
required. Nothing is happening.

Cartoon coffee?

Tightship is piloting
the submachopter.

At first it was Buzzkill, but
she almost crashed five times,

and when we pointed it out, she called
us sexist and went to the bathroom.

You know she's smoking
in there, right?

She broke the detector.
That's a federal crime.

I keep having these visions.

Kids, little boys...

Uh, are these visions we should
share with the authorities?

I want to go to this
Greendale place now.

- We're on our way.
- Do you remember Greendale, Jeffrey?

Why did you call me that?
What's with you people?

What do you mean,
"you people"?

- Oh!
- Nice.

Sector three, all clear.

That's the entrance to
the excavation site.

How do we get past
those guards?

I think I got an idea.

Your idea was doing
exactly what we did

to those other guards
back at headquarters?

- It was proven effective.
- I don't know, seems kind of cheap.

From an animated
perspective, very cheap.

Help me club
this hatch open.

I know this place.

It's filling me with a
sense of endless hours

for unfair wages and printers
that never have toner.

- What is this, Major Dick?
- That is a request for hazard pay.

Maybe you haven't heard,
but we can actually die now.

You know we can't
afford this.

Oh, so we can
afford to create

a new model of weaponized
vehicle once a week,

but we basically get minimum
wage to risk our lives.

Well, welcome to
Cobra, Ximxam.

Maybe you noticed our
logo was a snake?

Suck it up, guys! And while I
have your attention, here.

What is this?

We have to lower the salaries.
Our insurance is going up.

- No way.
- What?

Hey, you people can
actually die now.

It affects the health plan.

Vice Cobra Assistant Commander,
we've been infiltrated by Joes!

Well?

Protect me!

Hello, Greendale. I understand G.I.
Joe has breached the perimeter.

Please eliminate them. And please don't
forget this Saturday is the Cobra fun run.

If you miss it, you're letting
the anti-terrorists win.

Ugh, overkill.

Yes, it's me.

But which me
is the real me?

- Probably the one in the middle.
- The middle, right?

Aah! Ow, my leg! Ow!

Now, before you fight me, G.I.
Joe, you should be warned.

I, Ximxam, have a twin brother named
Mixmax that feels all my pain.

And how is that
supposed to affect us?

Psychologically?

Aah!

Today's soup is a carrot purée
with a... ow! Damn it! Aah!

Sorry. My twin brother is a...
it's pointless to explain.

- Hurts so much!
- Right? It shredded my meniscus!

Whup! Whup! Whup!
Oh! Ow, ooh, ooh.

Shouldn't have done that. Ooh.
Nope. Don't like that sound.

Incredible. It's as if there's something
about this place that feeds on ambition.

I came from here.

I work here.

My name is Jeff Winger.
And you're Annie.

- And... and Shirley.
- Aww!

And Abed and Britta.

Britta? What kind of
lame name is that?

I wanna be Buzzkill because
of my awesome saw.

You guys are my
friends in real life.

This is my imagination
or something.

Freeze, everybody!
Don't make me zap you!

Craig, it's me, Jeff.

Jeffrey! Are you okay?

No, he's not. Take it from
an expert in delusion.

If Jeff's hallucinating
something this cool,

something's wrong, he
needs to get back.

- Wingman, do you have your wingpack,
or is it sold separately? - Here it is.

That's good, my Fourth
Wall penetrating powers

combined with this medium's
lack of internal logic

should allow me to come up
with an oversimplified solution.

I'll be right back. I
have to get something.

- What?
- The truth.

Oh, crap.

Ah, Jeff, while you were gone,
I figured everything out

and did everything
that needs to be done.

This may be your delusion, but
I'm still the one on the ball.

I know why I'm here.
I'm unconscious.

Jeff Winger's unconscious,
because he...

I drank a fifth of scotch.

And I took some pills.

Jeffrey, shame on you.
I have three kids.

Are you saying
you tried to...

No, they were these stupid youth
pills that I bought in Koreatown.

I took them because
it's my birthday and...

- I've been lying about my age.
- Whoa.

Yeah, it's not something I'm
really ready to deal with.

I guess you found a way to deal with it
unconsciously through a psychotic break.

Happens to the best of us. Now, these
are the three layers of reality.

We are in the cartoon layer. It's
separated from the live-action layer

by a dangerous mid-layer called
children's toy commercials,

which I believe you're
seeing in your visions.

I've modified your wingpack
to break this barrier, and...

- I'm not going back.
- Jeff, you have to go back.

I don't wanna be a middle-aged
community college teacher.

I wanna be in G.I. Joe.

I wanna fight for freedom
wherever there's trouble forever.

Jeff, that's your
ten-year-old self talking.

You've receded into some
infantile part of your mind.

Imaginary Britta is right.
And only imaginary Britta.

In these visions you're having,
a giant child is controlling you.

- You have to get away from him.
- I am him! That's the point.

I created this.
I chose this.

But do you understand
that the real Jeff Winger

is in some kind of actual,
real medical jeopardy?

- Like the kind in a one-hour drama?
- Jeff, please. I don't want you to die.

- Can you hear me?
- I'm only dying out there, Annie.

In here we're immortal.
Look at the rack I gave you.

Those are gonna stay right where they
are for an eternity. You're welcome.

Yo, Jobra!

"Yo, Jobra"?

We talked it over and
realized that since

none of us can kill each other,
we might as well team up.

Seeing as we've got
a common enemy.

- Seize them!
- You can't seize me.

I am the creator
of your reality.

I am Neo in the third
act of the Matrix.

I'm also Neo in the first
act of the second Matrix.

I didn't get around to seeing the
third one, but my guess is... oh!

Cobra and G.I. Joe
have finally united.

- Do you guys need anything?
- We could probably use some milk.

Let's go get some
milk for G.I. Joe.

I'll wait it out in this cell
until you guys can reeducate me.

Yo, Jobra!

Yo, Jobra. All figures come
with their own accessories.

Wingman sold separately
or something.

Ah, look who'ssssss
conscious again.

You're pretty selective
with those snake "S" s.

What are you,
my life coach?

I'd make fun of some physical detail
about you, but there aren't any.

You look like some
Aryan foosball figure.

Guys, you don't have to keep me
prisoner. I want what you want.

We can't just have you
running around, Wingman.

- You're too powerful.
- So let's share the power.

We can be gods
here forever.

For realsies?

Absolutely. I don't
wanna leave here.

I wanna hang out with you
guys and blow stuff up.

Hmm. All right.

- Yo, Jobra.
- Yo, Jobra.

Yo, Jobra.

Say, do you mind if we ask you
a few questions about real life?

No problem.

- Ask.
- So...

What do boobies look like?

Wait. You don't know?

You guys have never
seen a naked woman?

You don't have to
make us feel bad.

Have you guys ever
tasted scotch?

Does scotch liquor
exist here?

You know what?

Can I just go to the
bathroom real quick?

Sure. It's the second door
over there on the right.

Hey! We can't go
to the bathroom!

Fool! He's getting away!

- This had better work.
- No, no, no, wait!

Get off me! I
wanna go home!

Take me with you! I want
to see women's boobs!

We can't both go! You're
slowing me down! Let go!

I can feel it! Yes!
I can feel reality!

I've never felt so alive!

Because you're fictional!
You can't survive this!

Wait, why does
my back hurt?

Why do I just have
random pains in my body?

Why is my ability to appreciate
new music diminishing?

Need to gain
speed before...

Wingman is trying
to escape G.I. Joe,

and it's up to you to hold him
back with your inner child's hand.

Damn it, I didn't make it.

I'm not controlling him!
He's doing this himself!

Screw you, kid!

Ow! He burnt my hand.

The Wingman wingpack is not available
in stores. You control the toy.

You control it, my ass.

- What is it doing?
- Making a man of you.

Everything sold separately.
Everyone dies eventually.

Nobody gets out alive.

His eyes are opening.

Yeah, but that happens
when people die too.

- Jeff! Jeffrey!
- Wait, Britta, don't slap him!

Jeffrey, it's me, the Dean.
I'm right here.

- Wait, wait, no, no, I think you
have to... - Oh, stop it, I'm awake.

Oh!

Jeff, you've been keeping
your birthday a secret?

Yeah. Most people
have cake.

Not a fifth of scotch
and what the hell else.

"Age reverse, life
extend power"?

This is Korean.

- Okay, what am I?
- Chinese!

Okay, I swear to
God I feel Korean.

Guys...

I'm 40.

- What? - Wow.
- I'm so sorry.

Yeah, we knew that.

You know, I guess we knew that you
had to be around 30 when we met.

Yeah, and it has
been five years.

And even if he had been 32, we'd
have to know he would be...

- This isn't helping.
- You guys know I'm 38, right?

What?

I'm kidding.

But, Jeff, you shouldn't
almost die over a number.

What's important are
ranges of numbers.

You're still 18 to 49
for almost a decade.

- That's valuable to society.
- You have any more of these pills left?

I had the craziest dream.

It was all animated and a G.I. Joe
cartoon, and you were all in it.

In it? How much?

- What clothes did you draw me in?
- Mm, fully animated?

But it was all a dream because
you were unconscious.

- Remember that Christmas when I...
- Yes!

Jeff, here's your present.

Slim Pickings at the hospital
gift shop, but we made do.

"It's a old boy."

- Yes.
- He is a old boy.

He's a old boy.

- Bring it in, guys.
- Aw!

Jeff!

Hey, listen, I got a former partner that's
been here since '89 in a coma, so... hmm.

1889?

Winger, you're funny.

- This is cool!
- Make my name too.

- What are you guys, cavemen?
- Buzzkill!

What you're doing is
a waste of spray paint.

We live in a fascist police
state disguised as democracy.

You think you're gonna
shatter that illusion

by celebrating your own
meaningless identities?

- Is church over yet?
- Fourth Wall!

A good syndicated cartoon
has a lesson at the end.

But getting
heavy-handed or preachy

could turn an entire generation
into jaded, sarcastic babies.

- Be friendly and direct.
- And keep the message simple.

Graffiti is bad.
Go play sports.

- Cool!
- I get it!

I was trying to hold them
to a higher standard.

If the media tells kids what
to think, all they'll know is...

- And knowing is half the battle.
- What?