Community (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 12 - Basic Story - full transcript

There is no trouble to be found at Greendale this week, until they discover that Greendale is subject to a liability audit. Abed is distraught that there is no story to be found on campus this week, until the gang finds a lead to what could become their greatest adventure yet.

So according to the demonologist,
the gymnasium is clean.

Jeez, we're running
out of To-Do Stars.

- Already dealt with.
- It's hard to believe.

Somewhere along the way, we started
turning this school around.


- Hmm.
- Huh.

- What the hell was that?
- What was what?

- That long, quiet lull. I don't like it.
- It's called contentment, dude.

Exactly. We're never content. Someone's
always got to have a problem.

I've got a problem. I don't like Abed's
problem with our lack of problems.

- Ooh.
- Oh. Ah, okay.

I commented on his commentary. I just
drew a circle around Abed, baby.

I don't think it's nice to
pigeonhole people's gimmicks.

You hear me, two voice?

Abed, let us have a moment
of peace and stillness.

They're kind of rare around here.

All I'm saying is,
calm before the storm.

- Says the storm generator.
- All right, fine. Let's be content.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Attention, students and
faculty of Greendale.

I pressed this button on accident
but might as well check in.

How are you?


Aw, that's nice. I'm good too.
I love you guys.

We love you too.

♪ Give me some rope ♪

♪ Tie me to dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope ♪

♪ To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said
it can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the
reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one, they
all just fade away ♪

The information you
have requested...

- on the internet.
- Oh.

School board, baby.

School board
guys coming in.

I would appreciate some knocking.
Do you know what goes on in here?

Just a heads-up. There's an insurance
appraiser coming tomorrow.

Your ass is getting
appraised insurance-style.

- What does that mean? - We hope it
means we find out that your school

is very, very
valuable to the city.

Hey, how hilarious
would that be?

Are you guys drunk?

- Good luck proving it
before we're not. - Yeah.


- Whoa!
- Heh.


Too ripe.

You guys have been doing
this for 30 minutes.

So what?

I made all the
vegetables disappear.

Usually, a lot more than this happens
in 30 minutes is all I'm saying.

We're just relaxed
and happy.

I care more about this than
anything I've ever cared about.

Best $199 I've ever spent.

It's $3.

What are you playing?

That's control software for some
kind of irrigation equipment.

It's fun.

Save Greendale
Committee, unite.

- Boom. - An insurance appraiser is
coming tomorrow to inspect the school,

and if he doesn't appraise us good,
the school is doomed, doomed.

Call to adventure.
Call to adventure.

What's an insurance

Something that sounds
normal and boring

but is actually scary, like a
raised mole or a turkey deep fryer.

There's only one man qualified
to appraise insurance,

and he died 2,000
years ago on a cross.

I've seen insurance
appraisers bleed.

Their blood's
different, darker.

Everyone, take a breath.

You're overreacting because this
school is addicted to crisis.

They're like one of those
hurricane Katrina dogs

that won't let anyone
pet them anymore.

But the weird thing we need
to get used to is this:

The school's in decent shape.

- This doesn't have to be a big deal.
- I wrote a paper on those dogs.

We've worked hard all
semester to save this school.

Truth is, we did.

So relax.

- Are you sure, Jeffrey?
- I promise.

Jeff's heart is in the right
place, but he's wrong.

Greendale is a crazy place where
crazy things happen. I have a plan.

We'll pretend our school has a
world-renowned physics department.

- Dean, start learning Swedish.
- I'll do my best!

Hickey, do you keep in touch with any
unstable criminals that you busted?

Mm, five.

Get them down here for
costume measurements.

Annie, we need to make a particle
accelerator out of Kleenex boxes.

Nope. Nobody do any of that.
Abed, outside.

There is no story.

Everything's a story, Jeff. Getting out of
bed is a story. Certainly this is a story.

I mean, start with the study room.
We're content. I'm concerned.

Skip the fruit-matching stuff. Dean enters
with the insurance appraiser story,

call, refusal.

You're literally dragging
me across a threshold

demanding there be no
story, which puts me

into a whole new world that
I'm gonna have to adapt to.

Well, you have to do it
by yourself, please. Okay?

Because if this
appraisal is a story,

that means we're in trouble,
and we are not in trouble,

because if we are...

- No more stories.
- Ta-da.

So we'll see you later.

- After no story.
- No story.

So be it.

Let the lack of story...


Oh, put one trap
behind each cabinet.

Although I think
we're good.

The cafeteria food killed
most of the roaches anyway.

Hey, check it out.

- Is this a wedding ring?
- Are you kidding?

What... Aww, I lost this
my first week here.

Oh, who's the lucky...

It's my mom's.

I started wearing it
because... I don't know.

Everybody dreams of
settling down, right?

And because it fits.

She had huge fingers for a woman,
part of what killed her, really.

I'm not dreaming about settling down.

Well, maybe you already have.
You're teaching, and you like it.

- You love Greendale.
- No, I love scotch and myself.

I tolerate Greendale.
It's a good school.

That's why there's no need
for this to get sentimental.

This inspection is going to be
the most boring thing

to happen here since
Britta dated Troy.

All right, no story.


If there's no story,
what am I explaining?

I'm in a story.

Okay, think, Abed, think.
How do you shake a story?

The answer...

is in the
teacher's lounge.

- Here he comes, here he comes.
- Okay.

Hi, there. My name
is Ronald Mohammed.

Go ahead. I've
heard them all.

The city of Greendale
has sent me here

to assess this campus'
level of liability.

Now, what do I
mean by liability?

Well, the city defines liability as any
asserted or non-asserted perturbation

by any qualifying party.
What's a party?

A party is a person or a group of persons
or an event celebrating a person

or a party of persons'
birth, marriage...

- Don't panic, Jeffrey.
- Hmm? I'm fine.

- I'm the only one who's
not panicking. - Oh, please.

You can lie to yourself,
but don't lie to me.

But the city defines a dog as any living
entity with four legs and a tail,

so raccoons, bears,
mountain lions, mice...

these are all just
different sizes of dog.

What do I mean by "size"?
I'll tell you a story.

- What's that supposed to mean? - I know
how much you feel for the campus, Jeff.

I know how much you feel in general.
And I know you think it's a weakness,

but believe me,
it's your strength.

You got something
in your teeth.

Mm-hmm, you got something
in your chest.

400,000 gallons of
liquefied horse meat.

Here I come.


"And you shall find that salt is
the taste of another man's bread,

and hard is the way up and
down another man's stairs."

Dante. Let's proceed.

No! It's always a story.
Everything is a story.

Wait. Wait. Wait.
Story feeds on conflict.

If I stop resisting,
it'll stop being a story.

No, Abed.

Me with a beard?

Keep fighting the story. Keep
fighting it until it falls apart.

I'm right.

I mean I'm wrong.

I mean I'm right.
I mean I'm wrong.

I mean I'm right.
I mean I'm wrong.

I mean I'm right.
I mean I'm wrong.


For the final stage
of my appraisal,

I am going to randomly select
one of your vending machines

to see if it can be rocked
using human strength

enough to tip
and crush me.

Now, in the U.S., each year,
six people die this way,

and five of them are
insurance appraisers,

so I take this very seriously.
Here we go.


- Whoo!
- Sorry we're late.

Hey, look. It's
Ronald Mohammed.

How about that name?

All right, Ronald,
what's the damage?

How much is this scampy, little hole
in the Earth gonna cost us this year?

Well, your gas leak is repaired, all
your fire exits actually lead outside,

and I am told that no new species
have been discovered here in a week.

I have to say, I was brought in here
to estimate Greendale's liability, but

at this point in time, I'd describe this
campus as an actual property asset.

This property has value.

- Yeah!
- Best news ever!

- This property has value.
- It has value.

- That means we can sell it!
- We can finally sell it!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Press "stop" on Dave Matthews.

What did you just say?

We can start courting businesses to
unload this school on the private sector.

- What do you mean "unload it"?
- This is a huge chunk of real estate,

which generates no tax revenue and
takes money from the education budget.

That's because it's a
community college.

Well, excuse us for taking longer
to see that was the problem.

Maybe we're not as smart as you.
I mean, we only went to Yale.

Oh, no, you didn't.

- Yes, I did.
- Oh!

Oh, hey, we should call
T.J.Maxx right away.

Dude, I told you.
This jacket looks fine.

No, to talk about
selling this place.

Oh, right. Yeah, T.J.Maxx, Marshalls.
What about Ben & Jerry's?

Oh, Richie, you're my friend, but
that is the last thing you need.

Tough love received, bro.

I did it. This school is story-free.
We can be content now forever.


Let me be one of
the six this year.

Craig... Craig, this vending machine
is not gonna tip over and crush you.

Why not? Why?

Because we fixed it when
we saved Greendale.

We saved Greendale.

And now they're
gonna sell it.

♪ He wakes up in
the morning ♪

If I come over there, there
are gonna be two sounds:

- Me hitting you twice.
- ♪ Never changes a... ♪

Hello, Greendale,
as you know,

our school will soon be replaced
by a sandwich university.

However, every ending
is also a beginning.

Sure, things may
look bad now.

Some of us may have no idea where
we're going or what to do.


Okay, okay, I should
have written this out.

I thought I'd be able to come up
with something on the fly.

Moving on to phase two:

The actual saving
of Greendale.

- Annie... - I've generated a few
ideas involving social media

that I think might
do the trick.

- Annie... - You want us to
tweet "SaveGreendale"?

I'm sorry, Annie. The reason I have 48
followers is that I don't exploit them.

They come to me for atheistic rants and
photos of my meals, not this obnoxiousness.

- We need to make people aware that
Greendale exists and needs help. - Why?

Because once the internet knows
about something, it changes.

Right. Just ask Chris
brown or China.

- Jeff, you made Annie cry.
- Well, if it's any consolation,

this is the last time
that will ever happen.

I know how to
save Greendale.

Treasure. Buried treasure.

Okay, I'm tapped.

We all wish we could
do something, Annie,

but I think that concludes the last
meeting of the Save Greendale Committee,

the committee that
did its darnedest.


Are we sure we can't stop the
school from being sold to Subway?

I'm afraid so, Chang.

Okay, I just wanted
to make sure.

Ha-ha, screw you guys.
It's time to get paid.

♪ $5 ♪

♪ $5 footlong ♪

♪ Any, any, any, 5 ♪

♪ $5 footlong ♪

♪ Any, any, any, 5 ♪

Chang just unexpectedly betrayed
the group for the last time.

Greendale is going to make a great
Subway sandwich university.

You know, research shows
most of your graduates end up

working for our
restaurants anyway.

That's by design. We're
very proud of our school.

Proud of Subway's school.
This campus is yours now.

If you want to dynamite it, all we ask
is that you let us light the fuse.

- Yeah, we hate this place.
- You just said you were proud of it.

- Oh, proud of its potential.
- Love its potential.

This will be your office.


Okay, we'll check
in on that later.

What's the matter, guys? Can't wait
until Greendale's corpse is cold

before you put it on
a 6-inch white bun?

Young lady, that's not fair. Subway
doesn't call its bread "buns,"

and we don't serve white. We serve
Italian, honey oat, nine-grain wheat.

Great, thanks for making my
joke accurate. Now it's hilarious.

Classes are over, kids.

We're helping
the Dean pack.

This is still Greendale
for two hours.

Enjoy it.


You don't call your bread "buns."
What do you call them?


Well, bread is a substance. What do you
call the units of bread you use, "breads"?

- You okay?
- I just wish we had more time.

I could turn things around. I swear.
Look, I got one of these label things.

It makes custom labels.

This was gonna help
me get organized.


Where should we start?
Should we pack up these pictures?

They're not really mine.

They're Greendale history.

Here's our 1987
civil rights march.

This was when we started
offering Photoshop classes.

And that's Russell

"Borchert, Borchert,
loved computers"...

Yes, yes, "...more than women's butts
or hooters." Very mature, you two.

Was there any truth
to that legend?

The legend that a Greendale computer
professor made love to a computer

and died of the first
computer virus? Sure.

The truth is, Greendale had
a computer professor.

By the way, he was
a millionaire and a genius.

He has sex with one computer,
and that's his legacy?

So after all my work, how
will I be remembered?

The bald Dean with
glasses, I guess.

Are you aware there's an
engraved plate on this frame

that says "The truth is
behind this picture"?

Of course I'm aware, Abed.
I'm not an idiot.

- Whoa, wait. It meant literally?
- What is it?

I understand you were teaching
Fundamentals of Law here.

- Yeah. - Think you could make the
transition to teaching Sandwich Law?

It's essentially the same, I'm
sure, just a bit more focused.


That's a subway black card. It
entitles you to $5 footlongs for life.

For life, Mr. Winger, for life.

- Hey.
- Hey.


- What are you going to do? - I'm thinking
I'm gonna transfer to City College,

but I'm knowing I'm
gonna be a bartender.


- Subway offered me a job.
- Nice.

I'm worried about Abed and Annie.
They're not ready for this to end.

Yeah, they're part of the
adulthood-begins-at-30 generation.

I'm... I'm actually looking
forward to a little bit of...

- Sanity?
- Yes, sanity.

Yeah, I mean, it's over, but
on the other hand, it's over.


And to think this all started
because you wanted to...

Nail you.

- Yeah, I regret nothing.
- Don't.

I mean, after everything
that has happened here,

what did either of us really get
done aside from each other?

Exactly, and what are either
of us gonna be leaving with?

Um, I should go clean
out my locker,

she said at the age of 33.

Let's get married.

- What?
- Yeah, right?

I mean, this is what
matters, isn't it?

This is what keeps this all
from being pointless.

Let's do what people do.

Let's get a house we can't afford
and a dog that makes us angry.

And dedicate an entire
cabinet to grocery bags

and realize we have a
favorite brand of olive oil?

- Yes, marry me.
- Okay, yeah.

Yeah... uh, yeah,
this feels right. Let's...

get out of here and
never look back.

Yeah, but first, let's lock these
doors and pull these shades.

We've never had sex
on the new table.

Yes, two for two.

- Medium roughness, high tempo?
- Let's make it a number eight.

- Buried treasure!
- Whoo!

Buried treasure!

- Lock the doors. Close the blinds.
- We could save Greendale, Jeff.

There may be
treasure on campus.

- Hidden, buried treasure.
- Treasure!

We need to call an
emergency meeting

somewhere safe where no
one can hear or see,

because we have to keep this a
secret, because it's a buried...


Buried treasure!

♪ Buried treasure,
buried treasure ♪

♪ Buried treasure,
buried treasure ♪

♪ Buried treasure,
buried treasure ♪

♪ Buried treasure,
buried treasure ♪

♪ Buried treasure,
buried treasure ♪

♪ Buried treasure,
buried treasure ♪


Emergency meeting.

And that's how I ended
up at Greendale.

Isn't it strange how it took
this school shutting down

for you and I to finally
get to know each other?

So what's up next for you?

Don't know, maybe go stay
with family in Lincolnshire.

- Lincolnshire?
- Yeah.

- Where in Lincolnshire?
- Just a little town called Scunthorpe.

Scunthorpe? I was stationed
around Scunthorpe.

- No.
- Oh, wait, wait.

♪ O'er the lady's
smocks I tarry ♪

♪ Through the
hollyhocks and glen ♪

♪ For a piss and a
thrush in Scunthorpe ♪

♪ Then it's off
to Henningpen ♪

I love that.

Oh, where in God's name
did you learn that song?

Stainsbury Pub.

My family practically
lived in Stainsbury's.

I lost my virginity
at Stainsbury's.

My mother was a
Stainsbury whore.

Mine was missing a thumb.

Oh, my God.

- Two thumbs, yeah, she got both.
- Two thumbs.

I mean, you may have
slept with my aunt,

but given the
circumstances, cheers.

- Cheers, yeah.
- Yeah.

Mm, so you're gonna stay with your
family till you get your bearings?

I've got a cousin, Clive,
who's got a spare room.

- You and he would really get
along, actually. - Really?