Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 11 - Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas - full transcript

It's that very special time of year,
Greendale.

A time for me to remind you

that your school acknowledges
no specialness

to this time of year.

You do, of course, have
a constitutional right

to lend this season

the significance of your choosing

in any of our designated holiday zones.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Don't you mean season's greetings?

Come on, Shirley. You know it's Christmas.



Yes, but as a modern Christian,

I've learned to be sensitive

to other cultures' jealousies.

So what are we doing this year?

Well, I'm taking a relaxation course

next semester.

And I was going to use the break

to do all the reading in advance.

I'm shutting myself in with my video games.

Fake-murdering people is gonna be

my new holiday tradition.

Hm. This is disappointing.

What do you care about Christmas, Abed?

You're Muslim.



Don't your people spend this season

writing angry letters to TV guide?

It's true. Religiously, I'm Muslim.

But I've always been a big fan
of Christmas.

And this is the most important Christmas

in the history of the universe.

I'm assuming that's why we're all
stop-motion animated.

I vote we let it go.

What did you say we were, Abed?

We're stop-motion animated.

I don't understand what he's saying.

I never understand what
any of you are saying.

You guys don't see it?

I noticed it this morning.

That's how I knew it was
a special Christmas.

We've clearly entered a whole new medium.

Abed, does the word clearly
mean the same thing

to you as it does to normal people?

It's probably Arabic for "not clearly."

You really expect me to tarnish
the high five

for that?

You guys really don't see what I'm seeing?

That worries me a little.

I think it worries all of us.

Is there something that we can do

to help you with your situation, Abed?

For starters, you could move around more.

Not much point in being animated

if you don't.

And I think we should commit to the format.

Starting with a song.

You start. I'm sure we'll join in.

♪ Give me the snow

light up the trees

deck every hall

and while you can see

roast every nut

mistle the toe

this needs to be the best Christmas

since the original.

20,000 years from now

they'll say

the most successful Christmas

was today. *

Okay, we got him.

We got him. He's down.

Now, how many fingers am I holding up?

And, more importantly,

are they still made of clay?

Three, and I told you, we're not clay.

We're silicone dolls with foam bodies

over ball-and-socket armatures.

Fascinating.

And publishable.

And you say you have no memory

of this morning.

You don't recall the emotional crisis

that caused you to take shelter

in this delusion.

- It's not a delusion.
- Very, very publishable.

Abed, I've been a professor of psychology

here at Greendale for many years.

And I think I see a solution to this

that might also help you
with your situation.

I'd like to do extensive sessions with you,

including hypnosis.

- I don't need therapy.
- Nobody said you did.

I just think it would benefit you

and, incidentally, me,

to get to the real meaning of all this.

You're right. That's it.

I need to find the meaning of Christmas.

Ah, well...

If I can find the meaning of Christmas,

everything will go back to normal.

Asterisk.

Abed, the dean says

if you don't get help,

they might kick you out of school.

Why would I want to be in a school

that hates Christmas?

He's got a point.

Kidding.

♪ Sad quick Christmas song

sad quick Christmas snowman

tragic day gone wrong

sad quick Christmas song. *

I don't suppose you know
the meaning of Christmas,

lonely snowman.

Apparently, it means getting fondled

by singing mental cases.

My snowman is alive!

I'm not a snowman.

I'm Chang.

What the hell's wrong with you today?

I thought I made you.

Yeah, you made me need to cry

in the shower tonight.

It's a text from Britta.

She says, "the meaning of Christmas

is in the study room."

Hey, now that you started it,

how 'bout ten more seconds
on that third button, huh?

You lied to lure me into
a group therapy session?

Surprise!

Pierce, you promised not to do that.

Surprise.

- Not cool.
- H-h-hold on, Abed.

I'm not just a psych professor.

I'm also a Christmas wizard.

You are?

I am.

And I can help you find
the meaning of Christmas.

Right, guys?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, this feels safe.

Shut up, Winger.

What do you think, Abed?

Christmas wizard. Hm.

I guess I can see that.

Have a seat, then.

Nothing to be afraid of.

All your friends are here.

They just want to help.

I'm here for the cookies.

So what do we do?

Well, with your permission,

I'd like to put you into a state

of christmasnosis

and take you on a magic journey.

To winter wonderland?

Sure.

Your own personal winter wonderland.

Come on, everyone.

You all know how magic
Christmas journeys work.

Mm-hmm.

You are playing with so much fire.

Shut up, Winger.

Hands on the table.

Eyes closed.

Heads relaxing.

Necks relaxing.

Don't relax Pierce any lower.

Screw you.

Abed, focus on the sound of my voice,

and let yourself relax.

With each breath, you'll feel...

- It's beginning.
- All right, then.

The table's moving.

Shaking like a rocket about to take off.

Now it's leaving the floor

as the walls and the ceiling fly away.

We're in outer Christmas space.

There's planet holly.

And planet jolly.

Oh, and what's that up ahead?

Ah, it's planet Abed.

Subtle.

Yeah, we're actually descending

onto planet Abed now.

It's the most christmassy planet
in the universe.

Its atmosphere is 7% cinnamon.

Awww.

We're here. Winter wonderland.

See how sparkly?

What, are you crazy?
All I see is the study...

Ooh, sparkly wonderland.

You might notice that during our journey,

you've transformed into Christmas versions

of yourselves.

Jeff-in-the-box.

Uh-huh.

Troy soldier.

Cool! Do I have a gun?

- You have a drum.
- Cool.

Britta, you're Britta-bot.

- Uh...
- Just go with it.

Bleep, bloop.

Teddy Pierce.

Bleep, bloop for me, too.

Ballerannie.

Oh.

Baby doll Shirley.

Baby what? What the hell?

Well, we are making fabulous

and unexpectedly intense progress.

Now, what I'd like to do

is visit the cave of frozen memories.

Pass. Let's head for the north pole.

The meaning of Christmas will be there.

Um, well, yeah.

Yeah, sure. Cheers.

And I actually think I know a shortcut

to the north pole

through the cave of frozen memor...

Fine, I guess we can take gumdrop road

through Carol Canyon
and stop at the cave.

I wouldn't call it a shortcut,

but you got us here,
so I'll throw you a bone.

♪ Come with me

and walk with me

and see what we can find.

♪ Accompany me

on a journey with me

through the wonderland

in my mind. *

Let's move, folks.

This isn't going to be fun, easy, or safe.

Shut up, Winger.

Mm-hmm.

Fair warning, guys.

A journey through winter wonderland

tends to test your commitment to Christmas.

And when I say test, I mean wonka style.

I'm talkin' dark.

Stay honest, stay alert,

and for the love of God,

stay between the gumdrops.

Look up there, Abed.

I think I see the cave of frozen memories.

A great place...

It's actually the cave of frozen peas.

It's a common mistake.

Don't worry, Christmas wizard.

I got this.

Terrific.

Abed, did you say my Christmas self

was a baby?

Are you sure you didn't say
I was a Christmas angel?

I think that must be what you said, right?

Because you respect me too much

to imagine me as a baby.

Jeez, maybe if you cry enough,
he'll change you.

Uh, you do know why he said
you were a robot, right?

Because I'm progressive and kick ass.

How 'bout heartless and godless?

I think he just gave us random identities,

you guys.

I mean, me, a ballerina?

It's not like I'm that thin and graceful.

Right?

Annie, it's because you're fragile
and tightly wound.

Oh!

Ladies, cut the non-thematic chatter,

and keep your eyes on the prize.

We're looking for the meaning of Christmas.

Uh, you know what, Abed?

I happen to know the meaning of Christmas.

And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one
here that does.

So I would appreciate
a certain level of respect,

even if I am a guest

in your make-believe therapy wonderland.

- Therapy?
- All right!

I am freezing Shirley with my wand.

And I am ejecting her from planet Abed

with a remote control
Christmas pterodactyl.

- Oh, nice.
- Now we're talking.

The point being, if you're not interested

in helping Abed,

there's no reason to be here.

Cookies.

♪ Swaddled in her diaper

high upon her throne

the queen of Christmas babies

thought that Christmas was her own. *

That's wonderful.

Let's get back to the magic journey

and wrap up.

Some of us have women to sleep with.

You guys hear that?

Humbugs.

- Humbugs?
- Yeah, a whole swarm of them.

See?

Everyone stay perfectly sincere.

Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm.

Wow.

Somewhere out there,
Tim Burton just got a boner.

Jeff, don't be sarcastic.

Oh, are they on me now?

Oh, no.

They're eating him alive.

If only he could find the power

to not be a smug douche.

Ah, no can do.

I'm just a horrible guy.

Guess I'll have to go get laid...

Ooh, can I sing this one?

Bitter shallow hipster

sweater matching socks

Christmas needs more presence

than a haircut in a box.

Annie, nice.

Get what I did with the word presence?

This is Carol canyon.

Instead of oxygen,

the plants produce Christmas songs.

Will it cost a lot to walk through here?

No, no, it's public domain.

You guys know Jesus was born

in the middle of April, right?

The church moved his birthday to December

so they could steal the solstice

from the pagans.

Season's greetings from Britta Perry.

Maybe you could sing
a song about it, Britta.

I don't sing.

And if I did, I wouldn't sing
Christmas songs.

I guess that means
you're gonna have me ejected

from winter wonderland

for not loving Christmas enough.

Nope, not for that.

Let's get to the cave of frozen memories.

Man, it is cave-like in here.

What do you mean, cave-like? It's a cave.

Nothing to be afraid of.

The cave of frozen memories is a safe place

where we can observe suppressed experiences

without being affected by them.

Can you show me how to do it?

Sure.

Here, I'm focusing on a part of the cave,

and I'm seeing my tenth Christmas.

All right?

Now you try with this morning.

I can't see your tenth Christmas.

How do you even know that's you?

Well, it's my house on 52nd street

in Islington.

What room are you in?
What color are the walls?

Our living room.

Cream-colored plaster.

There's an oil painting of a forest

above the sofa.

I'm reading Paddington books.

Mom got me Paddington every year.

Where's your dad?

It's Christmas, professor.

Where is your dad?

I don't know! We never know!

Mom won't stop crying!

I'm going to America with grandma!

He is good.

We lost our wizard.

We don't need him. Never did.

And nobody needs this cave.

Initiate self-destruct.

Self-destruct initiating.

This slide goes directly
to pine tree station.

We can catch a train
to the north pole from there.

The wizard didn't bring us here

to find the meaning of Christmas.

And I can't have anyone
going beyond this point

that's on his side.

With you to the end, man.

Always.

Like I said, I came for the cookies.

Ouch!

I'm not ejecting you

for your not liking Christmas music,
Britta.

I'm ejecting you for lying

to trick me into therapy.

Abed, they will kick you out of school.

I was trying to save you.

♪ Britta-bot

programmed badly

wires with fraying ends

functioning

mad and sadly

no faith in herself

or friends

bye, Britta.

Damn, it got real up in that memory cave.

I know, right?

Speaking of real, this has been great.

But the cookies are gone,

and I have to take a giant leak.

We should be at the north pole

00 eastern candy time.

You guys see the countryside?

There's the menorah mountains.

And Jehovah witness bay.

Thanks for adding that, man.

This is nicer than all the Christmases

I ever celebrated.

But you're Jewish.

On my mom's side.

But my dad's episcopalian.

And before the divorce,

the holidays were a minefield
of overlapping rituals.

I like the rituals.

My parents are divorced, too.

My mom's Polish.

She loves Christmas.

Every year, she visits on the same day.

December 9th.

And every year, we sit and watch

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer together,

every year.

But, Abed, today is December 9th.

It's the last day of classes.

Yeah.

That can't be right.

She comes every year.

Today must be December 8th.

'Cause she comes every year.

Okay, Abed.

Time to stop the train.

After you emasculated me in the ice caves,

I went to your dorm room.

I know what happened now.

It doesn't matter.

I just need to get to the north pole.

Abed, there is no north pole.

We're in the library study room,

and I'm not a Christmas wizard.

I know.

You're a Christmas warlock.

You're trying to destroy Christmas

because you blame your sadness on it.

I'm crawling out the window.

No, you're not.

Snap out of it.

Whoa, whoa, who taught you therapy?

Michael Jackson's dad?

I am a professional.

And you are tampering

with a highly delicate book deal.

I mean, human being.

Oh, now we're losing him.

I'm on the roof of the train.

Oh, great.

Well, I'm teleporting there.

Because I can do that.

'Cause I'm a wizard.

Bloink!

Abed, there is no train.

This is not real!

I can't hear you.

I'm going to the front car.

You're very clever.

But it stops here.

There's no more journey.

It's just you against reality.

And reality always wins.

Abed!

I'm unhitching the cars, okay?

What? Oh, give me a break.

Do you know what you're doing?

Bloink! We're learning to teleport.

And we're helping our friend
find the meaning

of Christmas.

Hey, you're actually grabbing me

in real life, delinquent!

We'll keep him away, Abed!

Go!

Find the meaning of Christmas!

At the very least,

somebody take notes!

Whoof. All right, where are we?

Christmas train?

I didn't wanna go home.

It's depressing there this time of year.

What are we looking at?

Santa's workshop.

Okay.

So, meaning of Christmas, right?

You see it?

Well, can it just be anywhere?

Like...There?

Good job, Pierce.

It's the first season of lost on DVD.

That's the meaning of Christmas?

No, it's a metaphor.

It represents lack of payoff.

Correct.

Thinking there was something you could do

to save Christmas,

turning yourself into an animated character

in search of the holiday's meaning,

these were mechanisms you used
to escape this.

This Christmas card.

Left where you dropped it

on the floor of your dorm.

"Abed,

"I can't make it this year.

"I have a new family now.

"You'll meet them one day.

"You're a man now.

"Take care of dad.

Wash your dupa."

Mommy's moved on.

New family.

New life.

There's nothing left to do now

but heal.

And share the experience

with as many reputable journals
as possible.

Great.

Look what you did to the kid.

What's your article gonna be called?

"Worst shrink ever"?

Hey, this is not my fault.

This is what Christmas does to people.

We put too much meaning into it,

and it lets us down.

We beg to differ.

What are you doing back here?

Saving Christmas.

Everybody point your magic Christmas
weapons at him.

Oh, brother.

This is ridiculous.

You are enabling a delusion.

The delusion you're trying to cure

is called Christmas, Duncan.

It's the crazy notion

that the longest, coldest, darkest nights

can be the warmest and brightest.

Yeah, and when we all agree
to support each other

in that insanity,

something even crazier happens.

It becomes true.

Works every year.

Like clockwork.

Try telling that to your catatonic friend.

I got a better idea.

Why don't we sing it?

- Wait... what?
- Yeah, let's not go overboard.

Will you two commit to something
for a change?

- Let's sing it.
- Yeah, let's sing.

Can we sing while we blow Duncan away?

Absolutely.

Ow! Ah, ah!

You start, Britta.

♪ Christmas time is a time to sing

that's what Christmas is for

♪ Christmas can even be a Hanukkah thing

that's what Christmas is for

♪ and for a huge percentage

of this God-fearing planet

it's about the birth

of Jesus Chri-i-ist

♪ but for the rest of us

it's still a good time

to remember that it's good to be nice

♪ music and cookies and licorice dreams

that's what Christmas is for

♪ video games for two straight weeks

♪ that's what Christmas is for. ♪

Hey, not the face.

♪ hanging out with the people you love

♪ and saying I love you

♪ that's what Christmas is

that's what Christmas is

that's what Christmas

is for...*

And...Christmas pterodactyl!

All right, all right. I'm leaving.

Initiate self-destruct.

Don't you think that's a little bit...

I get it.

The meaning of Christmas is...

The idea that Christmas has meaning.

And it can mean whatever we want.

For me, it used to mean being with my mom.

Now it means being with you guys.

Thanks, lost.

Wow.

I feel so much better now.

I guess we don't need to be
stop-motion anymore.

Well, why not just keep it going

for the rest of Christmas?

It just feels so right.

You ever get the urge to just...

"Merry Christmas!"

Ah, there.

Said it.

We're stop-motion again.

Oh, don't worry, man. I did this.

- You did?
- Yeah, it's cool.

Oh. Why?

Well, I always liked the way
fake food looked

on those animated shows.

I mean, get a load of these things.

They really stepped up a notch

in terms of visual deliciousness.

I know what you mean.

Look at that perfect bite.

It's a little odd that I see this,
too, though,

don't you think?

Yeah. We're weird that way.

Ah, that's better.

So weird.

Troy and Abed in stop-motion