Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 8 - Home Economics - full transcript

So from now on,

we'll refer to each other
by our Spanish nombres.

It will be...

Buenos d?as, Winger.

Class dismissed.

Look, I'm Annie's backpack.

Stop it, Troy.

Say there are two friends
and they're in the same class

and one wants to ask the other one
out on a date.

Like a grown-up date,

but within biking distance
of his parents' house.



They could do something on campus.

Tomorrow there's a picnic
with live music on the East lawn.

They're calling it
"A night under the stars".

Cool. I bet Randi
would love that type of thing.

Randi?

I thought...

You thought...

Can't believe
I misled you like that.

Listen...

Randi can be the name
of a guy or a girl.

And in this case,
it is definitely a girl.

Thanks for your help.

You're welcome.

And I hate you.



And I want to have your children.

Damn, I picked the wrong couple
to follow out of class this morning.

Jeff and Britta are dead air.

Are you okay? It looks like
you have actual bed head this morning.

In fashion,
I'm what's known as a tastemaker.

And you missed an entire side
of your face shaving.

And next month,
so will Gwen Stefani.

Here comes Vaughn. Bye.

- Crap.
- Vaughn?

The guy with the tiny nipples
you did it with.

Hi, Vaughn.
Can we talk sometime?

I'm sorry about how things ended.

I'm sorry I can't accept your apology
'cause you're toxic, Britta.

You're like the exact opposite
of an antioxidant.

- I got band practice. Lates.
- Can't we still be friends?

And isn't the word "later"
already short enough?

Let me talk to him for you.

Man-to-man is better.

We won't think about our chubby thighs
or whether or not we can have babies.

Don't talk to Vaughn.

- Your hormones are clouding your...
- Don't talk to Vaughn.

That is "girl" for "talk to Vaughn".

You sure you don't want
a piece of that?

What is he doing?

I know exactly what he's doing.

My ex-husband
spent four weeks doing that

after his "innocent mistake"
of calling me Valerie.

That boy's living in his car.

I lived in my car
for a stretch in the '70s.

Nothing like bedding a woman

on the vinyl backseat of a Skylark.

Of course, we didn't have the same
safety standards back then so...

No condoms.

I tell you, before aids,
sex was like shaking hands.

Hands aids.

Brittles, I forgot to tell you,
I went and talked to Vaughn.

The bad news is
I could not patch up things between you.

You really did a number on him.

Good news is
I'm the new keyboardist in his band.

So I asked you not to talk to him
and you completely ignored me.

You're missing the headline.

I'm in a rock band!

I'd like to be there
when the band finds out.

We were just talking
about how in today's economy...

Living in your car.
You are living in your car.

I'm sorry,
I'm not good at being coy.

I'm not living in my car.

I'm just sleeping in it
for a couple of days

while I work at some problems
with my condo.

It's a very temporary issue.

I've got to pay some fees

and then they'll put my locks
back on the door and that'll be that.

How you'll get the money?

Believe me, kitten,
Winger's got moves.

- Do you need a place to stay?
- I'd offer but my dad's kind of racist.

Stay with me.

My room has a bunk bed, which is
a misnomer because it's the real deal.

The next person
that offers me charity or pity

will be mentioned by name
in my suicide note.

Thanks for your advice
about "a night under the stars".

Of course. Anytime. Ever.

I got to figure out
what to bring to the picnic.

This is my first college girl
so I really want to impress her.

Would you mind helping me
shop for this stuff?

- I'd love to.
- Really?

Thanks. Later.

Wanna see my place?

I can see it.
Two girls are making out on the hood.

No, my real place.

The condo board's trying to bluff me
by listing my place as available.

Look at those faucets.

Handcrafted in Italy.
100% expensive.

Those faucets are beautiful.

You know what they would
go great with: a home,

which you no longer have.

- You need to move on with your life.
- Yeah. Move on with my life.

"Shmove shmon shmith shmy shmife. "

This condo is all that's left of me.

Every part of it is a part
of who I am.

- Is that a bidet?
- That part's for resale value.

And Saturday afternoons.

You know, downgrading your lifestyle
is your chance to grow as a person.

Maybe even become one.

The less you have, the more you can be.
You know what I'm saying?

There's a silver lining here,
isn't there?

- You're attracted to bums.
- Good night.

Come on. Why don't you have
dinner at my place?

I got a hot plate
that plugs into a cigarette lighter.

Yeah, but your kitchen's
being towed.

Stop! That's my house!

Can I live with you?

Yeah. Cool.
You want the top or the bottom bunk?

Top.

Me too.

I win.

Look, I really need
to liquidate some assets.

It's an emergency situation.

What kind of an offer is that?

These are mint condition issues.

The premise alone is priceless.

The guy has the powers
and strength of a spider.

No, your incredulity
perplexes me, nerd.

Did I say anything in my sleep
about farm animals or Brian Williams?

I don't think so.

- Lucky charms?
- How are you so satisfied all the time?

Don't you ever want
anything more out of life than cereal?

Sometimes I like to pour
hot cocoa mix into cold milk

and drink like it
like a cold hot chocolate.

I call it "special drink".

And some day you will know it
by its true name, "diabetes. "

You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.

- I'm sorry?
- You're Goldie Hawn.

Is it the lips?

In overboard, she was just like you.

Wealthy, assertive, arrogant.
Got manicures all the time.

But she fell off her boat,
good thing for her because,

she realized she was happier being poor
and rising four boys with Kurt Russell.

Can I not be Kurt Russell?

Do whatever you want.
You just have to know.

For me, it's Lucky Charms...

and tv.

I could use a break.

A picnic blanket.

Genius.

I was gonna lay down on newspaper.

It's the blanket my grandmother used
to court my grandfather.

Yeah? That's pretty hot.

Thanks.

Tell that boy how you feel!

It's scary.

If he's not interested,
I could lose the friendship too.

You could.
Love is a gamble always.

But waiting won't change the dice.
You either roll them or lose your turn.

I'm going to roll them.
I am. I just...

I need a few more shakes.

Shake 'em in your mind, okay?

Excuse me, Pierce's band is playing

and I want to record
the train wreck.

Kind of hoping
for a Michael Richards situation.

They're pretty good.
This isn't weird for you?

Just want to show Vaughn some support
to help smooth things over.

Saying good-bye to Britta

was the hardest thing to do.

But when someone's
a bitch and a liar,

there ain't nothing left to woo.

I'm getting rid of Britta.
What am I doing?

- I'm getting rid of the b.
- She's a no-good b.

I'm getting rid of Britta,

- I'm getting rid of the b.
- She's a gdb.

Same as a 45-year-old,
except he doesn't get as tired.

Great to have somebody
to watch stuff with.

My dad never wanted to watch anything
so I was kind of raised by tv.

Tv's the best dad there is.

Tv never came home drunk.

Tv never forgot me at the zoo.

Tv never abused and insulted me,

unless you count Cop Rock.

Cop Rock.

- That sounds cool.
- Doesn't it?

You guys are really
dorming it up in here, huh?

In the last two days,
I spent a quarter.

- We're having the time of our lives.
- See?

Who needs platinum faucets?

Do you guys even have
faucets in here?

There's a communal bathroom
down the hallway.

It actually helped me come to terms
with losing my condo.

You don't sit on a toilet like that
until you've left the material world.

- Pavel!
- Hey, bros.

This is Pavel. He lives next door.
He's from Poland.

I'm getting rid of Britta,
getting rid of the b.

Excuse me,
I have a future murder victim to visit.

Guys, what the hell!
"Getting rid of Britta"?

That song was disrespectful to me
and to the definition of "rhyme scheme".

If you don't like my song,
you don't have to listen, all right?

I'm an artist
and I write what I feel.

And I feel that you suck.

All right, hold on here.

Can I have a word with you?

Could you come here, please,
for a second?

What'd you say?

I know Britta's your friend,
but my song is more important.

Your song.
We wrote it together.

- Are you trying to Garfunkel me?
- Maybe.

Assuming to "Garfunkel" someone
is to keep putting up with them

even though they're a fat, lazy cat
who hogs the spotlight and eats lasagna.

I get it. You're jealous.

- What? Why?
- I don't know.

Because when I were these skinny jeans,
my ass looks like a baby pumpkin.

Or because I'm not a small-nippled,

credit-hogging jag
who only knows three power cords.

My band, my song!

You want that?
How you like that?

You get on that horse.

Did you just defend my honor?

Oh, yeah, totally.

And you'll light the candles.

And you'll take a bite.

And she'll take a bite.
And you'll laugh.

And you'll offer her
your letter jacket

after you notice this funny way
she shakes when she gets cold.

And she'll feel like
the luckiest girl in the world.

Right.

I couldn't have done this
without your help.

You're really nice.

We should've hung out more
in high school.

Remember when you pretended
to be my backpack?

I'm funny.

All right.

I got to go get ady.

Troy, wait!
I have to tell you...

- My appendix is bursting.
- What?

My appendix is bursting.

Two young students.

Think I've been
to this dance before.

You guys are sexual partners, right?

Us? No.
He's my very good friend.

And I have appendicitis.

Thanks for bringing me here.

Guess I ruined your date, huh?

Doesn't seem to be
anything wrong with you.

Cool. I'll see you.

- Where does it hurt?
- Everywhere.

Okay, we have to quarantine you.
We got to get you to a safe distance.

- My date's on the east lawn.
- East lawn. Perfect.

This a date?
You'll need these.

Nice. I'll be thinking of you.

Okay, I need to go.

No, we...
We have to observe you overnight.

It's policy.

We don't want another
"Vanessa Parsons" on our hand.

She was the "typhoid mary"
of herpes.

I'm kind of the hawkeye
around here so it's kind of a...

Are you seeing anybody?

- You guys weren't in spanish class.
- Knight Rider marathon.

Shadowy flight into the world of a man
who does not exist.

May I have a word?

- Has this always been here?
- You need to take Jeff back.

Never had him. Don't want him.

Especially now.
He's got a real Phil Spector vibe going.

He's like E.T.
He crashed in my place.

And we're friends now,
it's great for me, but it's bad for him.

- He needs to get back.
- What am I supposed to do about that?

Use your lady parts.

Don't be naive. The charge between you
was keeping him going.

Tell him you'll make love to him
if he takes a shower

and finds a nice place to live.

I'm heading back.
Pavel's making babka.

Do it. Seduce him.

Draw the tapeworm of Jeff out of him
with your sexuality.

Then say good-bye to E.T.

Abed, it's open!

What are you doing?
That was the Jeffersons, honky.

I was wrong, okay?
Material possessions are important.

Think how much happier
the Jeffersons were

than that family on good times.

- But they had good times.
- Well, do good times really matter?

What about good cars, good lobster?

What about that...

That sport where the British people

ride the horses
with the really long hammers?

Jeez, you are way out
of your element here.

Yes, and I do not believe a single word
I am saying for me.

But for you, maybe you're one
of those rare people

with nothing underneath the surface.

Maybe if you put
stain remover on a turd,

you don't get a diamond.

You just get a turd
with less direction in life.

Thanks, coach.
Can you turn the tv back on?

- Faucets.
- Italian faucets, handcrafted.

These look like...

Wait...

I made this notch to indicate
optimal cleansing temperature

for combination skin.

These were mine?

For a fancy condo,
you've got awful security.

Install those in a new apartment
so that every day,

when you're spending
way too much time on your hair,

you can look down and think,

"I was a huge phony before.
I can do it again!"

- You're into me.
- I beg your unbelievable pardon.

Look at all this work you're doing
just to have me around again.

You were may more attracted to me
than you were willing to admit.

I was doing this all for Abed.
You are the worst.

Yeah. Clearly.

I just want you to know,
I haven't changed my mind.

I am out.

Also, do me a favor,
will you lay off Britta?

She may walk like
she just got off a horse,

but underneath
all that clown makeup,

she's a good kid.

No worries, man.

I've moved on.

- Lates!
- Lates. Okay.

Snakes. What?

Pierce, I don't need you in my band.

I don't need your heart
or your hand.

I am my own person,

and, Pierce, you're a b.

Yeah, you heard me say it.

Pierce, you're a b.

Before you two proceed,
I have one thing to say...

Did you... say it already?

I want my blanket back.

Do you guys mind?

Could you scoot over?

It's an heirloom.
I want it back.

Thank you.

Have a nice date.

I don't care what you think.
For me, that was huge.

I know, sweetie.
Let's go find you some pants.

This song's for Pierce
'cause he's so old

His body made of wrinkles and folds.

Stupid and ugly,
he smell like a fart,

the poo-poo in his pants
and poo-poo in my heart.

Look who the cat
dragged out and licked clean.

I saw how much you missed me,

and smelled what happens
to Pavel on cabbage night,

and realized the world
was better off with me in it.

Thanks...

For, uh...

Caring.

You look like you moved out.

I checked into a motel
and I'm looking for apartments.

You would've been fine with me
staying there forever?

Yep.

- You're pretty cool, Abed.
- You're a huge nerd.

Thanks.

I'm Pierce.

Yeah. Song's about me.

East side, west side,
North side, south

Vaughn's breath is so bad,
His butts mad at his mouth

This rap is by Pierce,
Vaughn is dumb

He wears diapers to bed,
And sucks his mothers thumb

And when he wakes up,
Stupid wishing he was me

He has a big poop breakfast,
With a glass of pee

Then he goes to school,
Where he's stupid again

And everybody hates him,
Even all his friends

When you come after Pierce,
Then the battle is on

So this rap goes out,
To stupid Vaughn

Well payed Pierce.

This isn't over.