Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Good morning. Uop.

How do we turn this off? Okay, can you help me?
Can you come and help me turn it off? Oh-oh.

How do we turn this off? Can you
help me with this? Can you help me with...

Oh, thank you, thank you so
much. I didn't mean to snap.

Uhm, good morning.

Many of you are halfway through your first
week here at Greendale, and as your dean,

I thought I would share a few thoughts
of wisdom and inspiration.

What is community college?

Well, you've heard all kinds of things.

You've heard it's a loser college
for remedial teens, 20-something dropouts,

middle-aged divorcees, and old people keeping
their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity.



That's what you heard. However, I wish you luck!

Okay, you know... Oh-oh.

Okay, there's more to this speech. There's
actually a middle card that is missing.

Can we all look around our immediate areas,
'cause I really wanted to...

I'm only half-Arabic,
actually. My dad is Palestinian.

He's a US citizen. He's not a threat
to national security or anything.

A lot of people want to know that after
they meet him, because he has an angry energy.

But not like angry at America, just
angry at my mom for leaving him.

Although she did leave because he was angry,
and he was angry because she's American.

My name is Abed, by the way.

Abed, nice to know you and
then meet you, in that order.

- Now, about that question that I had...
- Oh, uh...

Five after 11:00 when you asked.

- Abed.
- Yeah.



What's the deal with
the hot girl from Spanish class?

I can't find a road in there.

Well, I only talked to her once, while she
was borrowing a pencil, but...

Her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday
in October, she has two older brothers,

and one of them works with children
who have a disorder I might want to look up.

Oh, and she thinks she's gonna
flunk tomorrow's test,

so she really needs to focus, so she's sorry
if that makes her seem cold.

Holy crap.

Abed...

I see your value now.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Absolutely not.

If these guys knew you like I did,
they would have given you a small office.

Jeff Winger! Genius at law.

- You got to stop saying that.
- I will never do that. Sit down

I still cannot figure out how you got a jury to
connect 'September the 11th' with my DUI,

I'm a student.

- Well, that cannot be an inspiring journey.
- Uh, I... I am in a bit of a jam.

The state bar has suspended my license.

They found out my college degree
was less than legitimate.

I thought you had a
bachelor's from Columbia.

Now I have to get one from America.

And it can't be an e-mail attachment.

- Well, you've picked a fine school.
- Yes!

And I'm hoping that our friendship
will yield certain advantages.

- You know, academic guidance, moral support...
- Yes.

Every answer to every test for every
one of the classes that I'm taking.

- Here's my schedule.
- No. Now Jeff, just by asking that,

you have insulted the integrity
of this entire institution. Hey!

Waster! Not a bathroom!
Not a bathroom.

Okay Duncan, you did seem less
into integrity the day that I convinced

12 of yours peers that when you made
that 'U-turn' on the freeway

and tried to order chalupas
from the emergency call box,

that your only real crime
was loving America.

Well, I do love America.
I love it very much.

I... I love chalupas.

But...

- I'll look into it.
- Thank you. Duncan, you are a good man.

Jeff, are you familiar with the
adage 'cheaters never prosper'?

No...

and if i wanted to learn something,
I wouldn't have come to community college.

- Oh, hey, Spanish.
- Yeah, don't hit on me, okay?

Whoa, I wouldn't dream of it.

I just wanted to let you know
about my Spanish study group.

Oh, woh-wow, the guy who's playing 'Bejeweled'
on his iPhone all class has a study group?

Uhm, can I sign up twice?

I'm taking the class as an easy credit.
I'm actually a Spanish tutor.

- Board certified.
- Can you say that in Spanish now?

Duermo tarde espa?ol, una hora m?s, no
rallar mi coche. (Nonsense)

- I really need help with Spanish.
- Yeah, I was willing to bet. I'm Jeff.

Or 'Jefe'. (Boss)

- The group meets at the library at 4:00.
- Britta. Thanks.

You gonna be there?

Poquito m?s. (A little more)

That means "See you there".

Shouldn't be too hard to fake
a study group, right?

Oh jeez, I'm sorry, uh...

I was raised on TV and I was
conditioned to believe that every

black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor.

Were you conditioned to pay
for your damn tacos, Sanfield?

Yes, I'm so sorry.

It's Seinfeld.

Bienvenido, bienvenido, bienvenido.

Bienvenido.

Bienvenuto! Hey!

All right, come on in.

- I got the whole table. Welcome.
- Yeah.

- We have the whole room.
- Here's the... Yeah, here's the, uh...

contact sheet. Just put your
stuff there. That's it.

Man.

The rest of the group is running late.

But you and I can get acquainted.

You may have noticed this morning,
not so good at the small talk.

Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?

- That's not small talk?
- What's your deal and is God dead?

All right, you wanna know my deal?

I dropped out of high school because I thought
for some reason it would impress Radiohead.

You'd be surprised what
gets back to these guys.

I... I joined the Peace Corp.

I did a little foot modelling, I got tear
gassed in a World Trade Rally...

Marry me.

And I guess Jeff, my deal
is above all else... honesty.

- Honesty?
- Yeah.

You tell me the truth, I will like you.
You lie to me, I will never talk to you again.

That's my deal.

- Uh, that's a good deal.
- So, what's your deal?

Uh, I would have to go...
I would have to say, uhm, honesty.

Because...

I would say anything to get what
I want, and I want you to like me, so...

Wow. That's a very honest answer.

All right, for now I like you, fine.

- Really? Wow, you're easy.
- Hell yeah.

- Abed in the house! Woah!
- Woah!

- Woah! Why?!
- Oh, Britta invited me. Is that cool?

Oh, I can't think of a single
logical reason why not.

- Cool.
- There you go.

Oh, hey, here. Put your contact
info down right there.

- That's great.
- Cool, cool, cool.

Cool, cool, cool.

Hey, this is kind of like Breakfast Club, huh?

- We are in a library.
- Yeah.

I'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside of us
that would make us cry if we talked about it.

Do you have something
balled up inside you?

Well, i got a little doozy
in the chamber if things get emotional.

Oh. Hey, text message.

- Let's give this bad boy a read.
- That's probably just for you.

- I've never gotten one of these.
- Well, uh.. it's probably... you just...

- Just for your eyes.
- "Say you have to pee. I need to talk to you."

- "Say you have to pee."
- That is weird.

- "Say you have to pee. I need to talk to you."
- Yeah. do you have to pee?

- No. That's so weird.
- Mm. Well, I'm stumped. That's very creepy.

That makes two of us.

- What's that?
- Does it say you have to pee?

No, it's just someone with a
misguided grasp of abbreviation.

I... I just need five minutes, you guys.
So go ahead and study all the verbs. In Spanish.

- Abed...
- Yeah?

What's your read on that guy?

You look like Elisabeth Shue.

Just act natural... pretend you are watching
the athletic proceedings.

You couldn't stop me from watching them.

There's a guy trying out for the track,
that's older than the game of poker.

He's kinda trucking.

Suppose I was to say to you it was
possible to get those test answers.

I would say go for that. And could
have said so in a text.

I'm asking you, if you know the
difference between right and wrong.

I discovered at a very early age
that if I talked long enough,

I could make anything right or wrong.

So either I'm God or truth
is relative. And in either case, booyah.

Oh, interesting.

It's just the average person has a much
harder time saying booyah to moral relativism.

Duncan, you don't have to play
shrink to protect your pride.

I accept. You're chicken.

Are you trying to use reverse
psychology on a psychologist?

No, I'm just using regular psychology
on a spineless, British twit.

I'm a professor. You can't
talk to me that way.

- A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way.
- Yes, because that would be adorable!

No, because you're a five-year-old girl,
and there's a pecking order.

- Fine, I'll do it!
- Thank you.

Yeah, pleasure. Bye!

Yes! Good!

Why am I still shouting?!

I'm drawing attention to myself.

You guys aren't going to believe this,
but the rest of the group...

Is here.

Are you the board-certified tutor?

That means you do my
homework, right Seacrest?

I need to call my babysitter
if we gonna be later than 10:00.

What board certifies a tutor?

- Where's Britta?
- Not sure.

But I invited more people
from Spanish class. Is that cool?

It's the coolest.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom...

And bring my jacket, wallet and keys
with me. In case there's a fire.

Should we go with him?

I'm leaving my homework with
Slumdog Millionaire over here.

That's borderline racist I think.

And... busted.

- Uh, listen.
- Now you know. I'm a smoker.

Yeah, but they're filtered,
so that makes them safe.

You ready to get started? Looks like
the rest of your group showed up.

Yeah, not mine actually.
I think Abed took out a page on Craigslist.

And I was trained never to say this,
but I think that group may be untutorable.

Oh, really?

So, why don't you and
I go study over some...

- Dinner?
- Or drinks.

I think, actually, we should prioritize here
and study first, and then go to dinner.

And if they really prove
to be untutorable, we'll slip out early.

Oh. They will be... untutorable.

All right.

Look at this crew.

All ready to study all night.

Well, I can stay at least till 10:00.

But who studies with strangers, right?

My name is Jeff.

Jeff, it's a pleasure.

My name is Pierce Hawthorne, and yes...

that is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne wipes,
the award-winning moist towellete.

I was just gonna ask.

I'm a Toastmaster, so perhaps
I should do the introductions.

- Definitely!
- All right, you already know Brittles.

- Britta.
- Uh, Abed. Abed the Arab.

- Is that inappropriate?
- Sure.

- Roy. Roy the Wonder Boy.
- Troy.

- Little Princess Elizabeth.
- Annie.

And finally, this beautiful
creature is named Shirley.

Is that even close?

I'd like to know why I had to find
out about this group on accident.

- This is getting way more like 'Breakfast Club' now.
- Where's breakfast.

- Okay, uhm, maybe we should get started.
- You know, I've been a part of a lot study groups

that fell apart because of unresolved tension.

Shouldn't we address Annie's concern?
Did we not invite her?

Well, Annie, sweetie, it's not
behind your back.

- We just didn't think about...
- Can we stop with the 'pumpkins' and the 'sweeties'?

Being younger does not make me inferior.

If anything, your age indicates
that you've made bad life decisions.

- Shirley has a response to that.
- No, no, no, I don't.

- Please Shirley, go ahead.
- Okay, okay.

I'm sure I've made some bad life decisions,
and maybe Annie's decisions will be better.

But I think she needs to decide
whether she wants to be considered a child,

or an adult, because children get pity,
but not respect. And adults, they get respect,

but they also get the back of they head grabbed
and their face pushed through jukeboxes.

Okay! Why don't we try learning
'jukebox' in Spanish?

- What are you doing?!
- Pierce!

- Let's discuss this creepiness.
- Pardon you?

- What are you doing?
- I'm certified.

Are you unaware that Shirley
finds your advances inappropriate?

What advances?

You have been sexually harassing me
since the very first day of class.

Sexually harassing?

What? That makes no sense to me.
Why would I harass somebody who turns me on?

Saying she turns you on
is the harassment, dude.

Hey.

I am a prominent business leader,
and a highly sought-after dinner guest...

and I will not take courting advice
from some teenage... boy.

Well, this teenage boy
is a quarterback and a prom king.

You're not prom king anymore, Troy.
This isn't Riverside High.

How'd you know I went there?

Because you're still wearing
your stupid letter jacket.

And more importantly, I sat
behind you in Algebra.

Wait, you're that girl that got
hooked on pills and then dropped out.

You're little Annie 'Adderall'.

Yes, and you are a stupid jock who lost his scholarship
by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand.

- Keg flip. They're very hard to pull off.
- Don't talk to me.

You don't know... I'm a legend.

You know what I got for Christmas?

It was a banner year at the Bender family.

I got a carton of cigarettes.

The old man grabbed me, he said,
"Hey, smoke up, Johnny!"

"No, dad! What about you?"

Well, uh... that actually was from
'The Breakfast Club'.

Nobody puts baby in the corner.

Dirty dancing.

- Hello?
- It's professor Duncan.

- Come to the parking lot now.
- What's wrong with your voice?

I'm disguising it.

Uh, I'll be right back.

But while I'm gone, you guys need
to hash this stuff out.

No stone unturned.

Go!

Get in the car!

Act as if either you have just finished
or yet to begin driving.

Every answer to every test
in your curriculum this semester.

I knew you could do it, buddy. Thank you.

Whoa there, grabby-grabby.

- What do I get?
- The satisfaction of being even.

Even, fairness, right, wrong.
There is no God.

- Booyah, booyah.
- What do you want from me?

- Your Lexus.
- My car for a semester's worth of answers?

Will it be just a semester though, Jeff?

Won't you be taking the easy way out
for the next four years?

I want payment in advance. I want
leather seats with built-in ball warmers.

You know, bluffs this weak are how
your people lost the colonies.

Have a nice disbarment hearing.

- What am I supposed to drive?
- Well, you should take this car. It's good for the earth.

Yeah, so is wiping your butt with a leaf,
but it's not how a man gets around!

A golf cart.

- It is a disaster in there.
- Yeah, untutorable.

- You like Thai food? I love Thai food.
- Wait... so, this is a game to you?

You put human beings into a state of emotional
shambles, for a shot at getting in my pants?

Why can't you see that
for the compliment that it is?

Ok, ok, ok, I'm sorry. It was an accident.

I did a little bit of lying
to get close to you.

But how was I suppose to know
that you were smart and cool.

I mean, you look like Elizabeth Shue.

- You're unbelievable.
- What do you want me to do?

Oh, maybe one decent thing could be
to go in there and clean up your mess.

Okay, I am the Barack Obama of this room.

Okay, if I do that... then dinner, right?

Yeah, fine, whatever.

As if there's a dinner on earth that could
make me forget you are a shallow douchebag.

Oh, you're gonna eat those words
when you see my new car.

All right, everybody!

I want to say something.
Sit down.

You don't have to yell. I don't
appreciate your tone.

You know what makes humans
different from other animals?

Feet.

No, no, no, come on, bears have feet.

We're the only species on earth
that observes 'Shark Week'.

Sharks don't even observe
'Shark Week', but we do.

For the same reason I can pick up this pencil,
tell you it's name is Steve, and go like this.

And part of you dies just a little bit on the
inside, because people can connect with anything.

We can sympathize with a pencil.

We can forgive a shark, and we can give
Ben Affleck an academy award for screenwriting.

- Big mistake.
- He's got a point.

People can find the good in just
about anything but themselves.

Look at me. It's clear to
all of you that I am awesome,

but I can never admit that,
because that would make me an ass.

But what I can do is see
what makes Annie awesome. She's driven.

We need driven people or the
lights go out and the ice cream melts.

And Pierce.
We need guys like Pierce.

This guy has wisdom to offer.

- The Dalai Lama and I...
- We should listen to him sometime.

We wouldn't regret it.
And Shirley.

Shirley has earned our respect. Not
as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman.

And don't test her on that,
because that thing about the jukebox

was way too specific to be improvised.
And Troy.

Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that?
Maybe he is.

You think astronauts go to the moon
because they hate oxygen? No!

They're trying to impress
their high school prom king.

And Abed.
Abed's a shaman.

You ask him to pass the salt,
he gives you a bowl of soup.

Because you know what? Soup is better.

Abed is better.

You are all better
than you think you are.

You are just designed not to believe it
when you hear it from yourself.

Soup?

I want you to look
to the person to your left.

Sorry. Look at the person
sitting next to you.

Look at her? Okay.

- This...?
- Yeah.

I want you to extend to that person...

the same compassion that you extend
to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck.

I want you to say
to that person, "I forgive you."

- I forgive you.
- I forgive you.

- I forgive you.
- You little twerp.

Pierce, I'd like you to say,
"I forgive you."

He didn't say it?

I forgive you.

You've just stopped being a study group.

You've become something... unstoppable.

I hereby pronounce you... a community.

Oh, that's nice. I like that.

This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore.

Now it's like Stripes or Meatballs.
Anything with Bill Murray, really.

I agree with Abed that tonight
has been very special.

And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a dinner engagement with Britta.

- Britta?
- I lied.

Thanks for calming everyone down, but since
you're not a Spanish tutor, just a lying creep

who purposely upset everyone
in an attempt to get with me,

I'd appreciate it if you left
and stopped wasting all of our time.

Everybody ready?

Fine.

And I'm happy to report...

that one of the benefits
of being a lying creep,

is having all the answers
to tomorrow's test.

And I'm happy to share them with anyone
whose time I've wasted more than they've wasted mine.

Jeff, if you have all the answers,
why the hell did you start this study group?

I don't have a study group,
Pierce. I made it up.

- What about the 'Look Left' speech?
- Made it up. That's what I do.

I make things up. And I got paid a lot of money
to do it before I came to this school-shaped toilet.

I was a lawyer.

You know, I thought you were
like Bill Murray in any of his films,

but you're more like
Michael Douglas in any of his films.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, you have Asperger's.

What does that mean?

'Ass-burger'.

- It's a serious disorder.
- It really is.

If it's so serious,
why don't they call it meningitis?

- Ass-burger.
- Burger for your ass.

Jeffrey, before you say anything, you may
want to think about the gift you've been given.

- An excuse to punch a hippy?
- No. No, not that.

An important lesson, my friend.

You see, the tools you acquired to survive
out there will not help you here at Greendale.

What you have my friend,
is a second chance at an honest life.

Why are people trying to teach me things
at a school that has an express tuition aisle?

- Give me the keys.
- No, I have to keep your car for the lesson...

Don't hit me. Please, don't hit me.

Jeffrey, Jeffrey!

Are we cool?

Are we cool?

We're cool.

I like you, Jeffrey.

You remind me of myself at your age.

I deserve that.

You know, I've been divorced...
seven times.

Sometimes, I think I'm doing
something wrong.

You keep getting married.

I never looked at it that way.

Shouldn't you guys be studying?

Yeah, things got kind
of boring after you left.

Let me ask you something.

People have been clowning me for wearing
this jacket ever since I got here, but...

If I take it off to make them happy,
that just makes me weak, right?

Listen, it doesn't matter.

You lose the jacket to please them,
you keep it to piss them off.

Either way it's for them.

That's what's weak.

You just wrinkled my brain, man.

- He's good, isn't he?
- He's real good.

Shouldn't you be rolling around
on a bed covered in test answers?

I don't have any of the answers.

I'm gonna...
I'm gonna flunk the test.

If you just, like, study for like
an hour, It's not that hard.

You seem pretty
smart. You got a sports coat.

Yeah, me...

Funny thing about being smart,

is that you can get through most of life
without ever having to do any work.

So, uh...

I'm not really sure how to do that.

What's going on?
Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf?

- Can you hear me talking right now? Yes?
- Yes.

That's good.

You know what?

Jeff, actually, we didn't
get that far without you, so...

if you want to come back upstairs.

Really?

Well, it is your study group, so.

Come on, let's study.

- Sounds good.
- No pressure.

I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas
and I see your value now.

Well, that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.