Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Cedric the Entertainer: Dictators, Comics and Preachers - full transcript
This is a 1958 Bentley S-1
Continental in Caribbean Blue.
This Caribbean Blue
is intense!
Bentley sounds
like a butler's name.
This Bentley is looked after
by this guy.
His name's Lorenzo,
who I also love.
It has parchment seats
with tan inserts.
It has a 4.9 liter,
six cylinder, in-line engine,
and a four-speed
kind of gear box.
It's slanty, it's swoopy,
it's irrelevant.
Bentleys and Rolls Royces were
both made by the same company.
The idea of the Bentley was
that it was a little less
showy than the Rolls.
Really? Not much.
But there's something
kinda cool about them.
I like guys that make you
feel good, that they feel good.
You picked the right
car for me, man.
That's why this car is
the perfect car for my
very special guest today...
Here's one of my favorites...
A guy who's made it,
lives it, and loves it.
A guy like that
should be in a Bentley.
This is my swag.
Hello?
What's up, man?
It's the voice, right?
-Oh, yeah, it's the voice.
The voice gave it away.
-The voice.
Cedric The Entertainer,
this is Jerry the person.
You had any coffee?
You wanna get some coffee?
I like coffee.
Great. Let's go.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld,
and this is...
You look great, man.
- Don't I?
- Yeah.
I gotta get this shirt.
Oh, man, that's...
That's the man right there.
- Are we gonna take the robe?
- Yeah, I'm taking the robe.
They're gonna charge you,
you know.
They've already charged me.
Oh, man.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Ooh!
- Right?
- Yeah.
Oh, this is a beautiful choice.
Everybody who knows me
would say "that's you, man."
- Yeah.
- That's me.
By the way,
look at this.
Hey!
I'll bring the robe back, guys.
How do you feel right now?
So smooth, like...
So smooth.
Like whipped butter, right?
I'm one of those
people that like,
I never thought about
being older. I just enjoy life.
I don't wanna be, like,
super sickly though.
I just read this article
on Sumner Redstone.
I know. Ugh. When you...
Neck can't touch
the shirt at any point.
I don't want it to look like
somebody else made the tie.
-You know?
I don't want that look.
-Right.
You look like your infant
picture again.
- Yes.
- You don't want to do that.
Well, your first couple
birthdays and your last couple
of birthdays are very similar.
They gotta tell you
it's your birthday.
-Right.
-They gotta tell you
these are your friends.
-Right.
-And they gotta help you
with the candle blow out.
You need a little
help with that.
Your stuff is so acute,
in the way you observe.
Your starting points...
-Oh.
-that the preacher's
never ready.
You come in, there'll be
the minister.
He come on, he ain't
never prepared.
He ain't never quite prepared
for services, you know.
He got his Bible, but he
ain't never quite ready.
You know?
He just, "good morning."
Amen.
And good morning.
Here's what I love
about a bit like that.
I've never seen that.
But you can visualize it
right away.
But I...
the second you do it.
Yeah, just the,
"good morning, amen."
Yesterday, I took a long ride
with the music really loud.
Since I was a kid,
that was freedom.
In the car, listening
to music you like.
Don't you feel like
anything's possible?
I think the music leads
to too much road rage.
Like, I saw a guy like,
he was like rocking out
and he was like
beating his car, he's mad
and he started like, they got
into it, like with another guy.
Here's the craziest, um,
road rage I ever seen.
These people started throwing
stuff at each other,
out of their car.
This guy literally
threw his kid's bookbag,
it was like a Buzz Lightyear
bookbag, at the next guy.
This kid like went to school
without his homework.
Whatever happened
to the ShamWow dude?
Or the Chop-o-Matic?
They're the same dude, right?
No, that's different.
Oh, I always mix 'em up.
All the infomercial guys
look the same.
But I like that there's a point
in the night
that it really does make sense.
You're going,
"I can't cut through a shoe
with any of my knives.
I have got to get this."
I graduated high school in '82.
And then I went to college.
Then I worked for State Farm,
I was a claims adjuster.
The best part of my job,
I was bi-lingual,
'cause I spoke regular English
and angry negro.
'Cause black people would
always come in and threaten,
"I'll blow this building up!"
Everybody would be,
"Oh my god!"
I'm like, "ma'am, don't."
Black people can't get dynamite.
We don't have
that kind of credit.
I started doing comedy, like,
the same time I got the job.
This comedian, he was working
and he would ask to borrow
things I would say.
And he was like,
"Can I say that?"
And I was like, "Fine, you know.
I don't know, I got a job."
Then he entered my name
in a comedy competition,
I went and I did it
and I won $500,
the first time I did it.
Wow.
And I took a leave of absence.
Even to this day, I never really
quit my job at State Farm.
You're still on leave
from State Farm?
Yeah, I'm still... Yeah,
I can go back at any minute.
That comedy trick of laughing
before you actually say a joke
that makes people
think it's funny.
"So, I told... I told...
I told Jerry,"
Like, duh, dude,
that wasn't funny,
don't try to fool me
with the-the pre-laugh,
I'm not getting it.
The pre-laugh.
- The pre-laugh is not a...
- I hate the pre-laugh.
- So...
- So anyway...
During the recession, like when
it was, like, really bad,
I had a friend,
a childhood friend of mine,
he came up to me, he was like,
"Ced, I need a job."
I was like, what do you do?
He's like, "I play the bass."
I'm like, "Dude, I don't... "
-I don't know how
to work that in.
-Don't know if I can use you.
Like, I tell a joke
and all of a sudden you like,
"boo-di-di-doo-di-di-doo
di-di-doo. Boo-di-di doo."
Like, "everybody, that's my
bass player. He's a childhood
friend of mine."
I drink tequila,
and I drink it from a teacup.
I call it, you know,
I'm just sipping "T."
And where is this taking place?
Backstage after the shows.
And you're on shows with like,
five other comedians,
so it's a lot of that
comedian lifestyle.
Right, right.
Laughing, we all go in
each other's rooms.
So, you go out
with, like, five guys?
Yeah. It's like, George Lopez,
myself, Eddie Griffin,
D.L. Hughley...
All together?
-Yeah, it's like a...
Yeah, an arena tour.
-Those must be big shows.
Any given night, it's like
a football game, right? It's
going for the championship.
Any given night.
- Any given night.
- Somebody can just take you out.
There's nothing a comedian
loves than another comedian
laid low, right?
- Yeah.
- Why do we enjoy that so much?
When somebody tells you...
"He died on stage.
Seinfeld, skinned up his knees."
Feelin' like this.
We just live in a survival
mindset all the time, right?
Like these kids
with these video games.
Yeah.
Come around the corner.
"Ba-ba-ba-bum, ba-ba-bum."
If you were to do
a stand-up comedy video game,
it would look
pretty much like that.
Except there'd be jokes
coming out instead of bullets.
And it would
be audience members,
it wouldn't be terrorists,
just regular
audience members that you'd...
Of this lady.
You're like a South American
dictator or you're like Gaddafi.
You're just gonna control
this mob, by yourself.
Right.
Dictators,
comics, and preachers.
This is all the same shtick.
It's all the same shtick.
-We're all
out there by ourselves.
-You're out there by yourself.
And I'm gonna convince you,
you need me
until such time that
it's apparent that I've
worn out my welcome.
That moment right before
they killed Gaddafi,
did you see his face?
It was like,
"I get this, I get it."
You know, I think one of the
toughest things for your kids
is that, I assume they all have
the last name, The Entertainer.
- Which is tough.
- That's gonna be tough.
- It's hard for them.
- Yeah.
There's an expectation.
"But I'm an architect."
Well...
Did you know Robin Harris,
you remember Robin Harris?
Yes. He was the-actually
the guy that inspired me
to do comedy the most.
Robin showed up as this guy
that you definitely
identified with.
He was like really regular.
Yeah, yeah, right.
He didn't... he didn't
wear the shiny suits
and have gloves
with rings on them or...
Like, his style was
very, like, conversational.
"I was on first class.
'You want your meal now?'
I want everything I'm 'posed
to get in first class."
Like, it was the rhythm of it.
"Give me everything I'm 'posed
to get, in first class."
It was the series
and season finale
of my show, The Soul Man.
When black shows go off,
they don't really have the...
they don't get the big fanfare.
Be the final episode
of Seinfeld.
It be billboards,
you were up everywhere,
people would cry, "Oh my god,
I'm gonna miss them so much."
I didn't know it was the last
day of Steve Harvey's show until
they showed up with the cake.
It's like he got
fired on Friday.
I'm like,
"What's the cake for, Steve?"
He's like, "This is
the last day, dawg."
I just can't get off of Ali,
it's been such an amazing week,
with his passing.
The thing about Ali, that really
people have not talked about
this week,
is this magical,
magnificent man,
who was the most
magical man, of the time.
Yeah.
But in that time, everything
was larger than life.
The Beatles, Martin Luther King.
Right.
Richard Pryor was like
another level, like so...
-Yeah.
All these guys are mythic.
-Yeah, true.
When I was 15, I used to think,
well, this is just what
the world is, I guess.
-Yeah.
-All these amazing
people live in it.
We expected heavyweight
champions to be these
mythic people.
- Right.
- That was just normal.
That was
the crazy thing about it.
Yeah.
And now there's
nobody like that.
- Nobody.
- Yeah.
This is what the people
are really mourning
at this funeral.
Exactly.
Steph Curry,
I don't care, he's great.
The skills,
the numbers, the career.
Derek Jeter... they're not...
Yeah.
this type of human
we don't see anymore.
Even though
it was kind of, like,
it seemed like
it was self-aggrandizing,
it was so not that.
The braggadocios
attitude and everything,
but it was all so that
you can feel great.
"I'm 22, I'm the baddest
man in the world,
but I don't believe in this war
and I'm not going."
What's gone is nobody
ever doesn't go,
"Well, I don't know
if that's good for my career."
-Oh yeah.
-And how essential is that
to hit the greatness.
-Oh yeah.
-There was no meeting,
"I'm gonna change my name."
"No-no-no-no, people know
Cassius Clay. We can't
change the brand."
No. We're changing it.
Muhammad Ali used to live in
this building in Chicago.
I was dating a girl
who lived in that same building.
I was coming up,
and there was some people
taking stuff out of a truck.
It looked like
they needed some help,
so I walked up,
and he turned around,
it was Muhammad Ali. I mean...
like, dude,
like you just don't expect it.
It was such a regular day
and he was just like, Ali,
he was just super cool.
But it was like one of them
trippy moments in life
like, ah!
Who else could
make you scream?
Not too many people.
No, that was crazy.
Let's get out of here.
I'm done with this place.
- Thanks very much.
- Oh, it was a pleasure.
Fantastic place.
- Thank you so much.
- We loved it.
I was born with, like,
a pretty strong voice.
I remember loving the idea
when my voice changed,
like as a teenager.
Oh, really?
I would always use my voice.
Anybody would call
and, "hello...
"yes...
"oh, you're looking
for my mother?
Well, she's not
here right now."
Got me thinking about all these
apps, like the Waze.
Yeah, I love Waze.
Waze is like, that's the one.
You gotta listen to Waze.
Do not, by any means,
take off on your own.
- No.
- When Waze...
Waze tells you
to do something, do it.
Well, I remember one time
putting it into a really
bad address
and I was like,
"yo, take me here."
And the Waze was talking
and then all the sudden Waze
said, "take me off speaker."
Yeah, then put
the phone up to your ear.
It's like, "look, do you sure
you wanna know where you going?
"You sure,
that's what you wanna do?
All right, okay, you can put me
back on speaker now."
-How's it going, Lorenzo?
-It's going great,
how are you guys doing?
-Lorenzo, how's it going, man?
-I see you got
the jeans on today.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
will be right back,
after this brief word
from our sponsor.
It's beautiful man,
I like this, man, yeah.
Got the champ on, yeah!
What up, dawg,
how you doing, man?
- You're the man.
- Good.
I remember Chis Rock told me
the day he saw you pull up
by him on Sunset
in a... I think it was
a Rolls convertible?
Um, yeah.
I like the yawn
in the middle of that.
- Yeah, that was nice.
- The Rolls convertible.
Yeah...
Yeah, yeah, Jerry.
It was something a little light
I would drive around.
He had to call me and tell me
Cedric has a Rolls.
Yeah.
Continental in Caribbean Blue.
This Caribbean Blue
is intense!
Bentley sounds
like a butler's name.
This Bentley is looked after
by this guy.
His name's Lorenzo,
who I also love.
It has parchment seats
with tan inserts.
It has a 4.9 liter,
six cylinder, in-line engine,
and a four-speed
kind of gear box.
It's slanty, it's swoopy,
it's irrelevant.
Bentleys and Rolls Royces were
both made by the same company.
The idea of the Bentley was
that it was a little less
showy than the Rolls.
Really? Not much.
But there's something
kinda cool about them.
I like guys that make you
feel good, that they feel good.
You picked the right
car for me, man.
That's why this car is
the perfect car for my
very special guest today...
Here's one of my favorites...
A guy who's made it,
lives it, and loves it.
A guy like that
should be in a Bentley.
This is my swag.
Hello?
What's up, man?
It's the voice, right?
-Oh, yeah, it's the voice.
The voice gave it away.
-The voice.
Cedric The Entertainer,
this is Jerry the person.
You had any coffee?
You wanna get some coffee?
I like coffee.
Great. Let's go.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld,
and this is...
You look great, man.
- Don't I?
- Yeah.
I gotta get this shirt.
Oh, man, that's...
That's the man right there.
- Are we gonna take the robe?
- Yeah, I'm taking the robe.
They're gonna charge you,
you know.
They've already charged me.
Oh, man.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Ooh!
- Right?
- Yeah.
Oh, this is a beautiful choice.
Everybody who knows me
would say "that's you, man."
- Yeah.
- That's me.
By the way,
look at this.
Hey!
I'll bring the robe back, guys.
How do you feel right now?
So smooth, like...
So smooth.
Like whipped butter, right?
I'm one of those
people that like,
I never thought about
being older. I just enjoy life.
I don't wanna be, like,
super sickly though.
I just read this article
on Sumner Redstone.
I know. Ugh. When you...
Neck can't touch
the shirt at any point.
I don't want it to look like
somebody else made the tie.
-You know?
I don't want that look.
-Right.
You look like your infant
picture again.
- Yes.
- You don't want to do that.
Well, your first couple
birthdays and your last couple
of birthdays are very similar.
They gotta tell you
it's your birthday.
-Right.
-They gotta tell you
these are your friends.
-Right.
-And they gotta help you
with the candle blow out.
You need a little
help with that.
Your stuff is so acute,
in the way you observe.
Your starting points...
-Oh.
-that the preacher's
never ready.
You come in, there'll be
the minister.
He come on, he ain't
never prepared.
He ain't never quite prepared
for services, you know.
He got his Bible, but he
ain't never quite ready.
You know?
He just, "good morning."
Amen.
And good morning.
Here's what I love
about a bit like that.
I've never seen that.
But you can visualize it
right away.
But I...
the second you do it.
Yeah, just the,
"good morning, amen."
Yesterday, I took a long ride
with the music really loud.
Since I was a kid,
that was freedom.
In the car, listening
to music you like.
Don't you feel like
anything's possible?
I think the music leads
to too much road rage.
Like, I saw a guy like,
he was like rocking out
and he was like
beating his car, he's mad
and he started like, they got
into it, like with another guy.
Here's the craziest, um,
road rage I ever seen.
These people started throwing
stuff at each other,
out of their car.
This guy literally
threw his kid's bookbag,
it was like a Buzz Lightyear
bookbag, at the next guy.
This kid like went to school
without his homework.
Whatever happened
to the ShamWow dude?
Or the Chop-o-Matic?
They're the same dude, right?
No, that's different.
Oh, I always mix 'em up.
All the infomercial guys
look the same.
But I like that there's a point
in the night
that it really does make sense.
You're going,
"I can't cut through a shoe
with any of my knives.
I have got to get this."
I graduated high school in '82.
And then I went to college.
Then I worked for State Farm,
I was a claims adjuster.
The best part of my job,
I was bi-lingual,
'cause I spoke regular English
and angry negro.
'Cause black people would
always come in and threaten,
"I'll blow this building up!"
Everybody would be,
"Oh my god!"
I'm like, "ma'am, don't."
Black people can't get dynamite.
We don't have
that kind of credit.
I started doing comedy, like,
the same time I got the job.
This comedian, he was working
and he would ask to borrow
things I would say.
And he was like,
"Can I say that?"
And I was like, "Fine, you know.
I don't know, I got a job."
Then he entered my name
in a comedy competition,
I went and I did it
and I won $500,
the first time I did it.
Wow.
And I took a leave of absence.
Even to this day, I never really
quit my job at State Farm.
You're still on leave
from State Farm?
Yeah, I'm still... Yeah,
I can go back at any minute.
That comedy trick of laughing
before you actually say a joke
that makes people
think it's funny.
"So, I told... I told...
I told Jerry,"
Like, duh, dude,
that wasn't funny,
don't try to fool me
with the-the pre-laugh,
I'm not getting it.
The pre-laugh.
- The pre-laugh is not a...
- I hate the pre-laugh.
- So...
- So anyway...
During the recession, like when
it was, like, really bad,
I had a friend,
a childhood friend of mine,
he came up to me, he was like,
"Ced, I need a job."
I was like, what do you do?
He's like, "I play the bass."
I'm like, "Dude, I don't... "
-I don't know how
to work that in.
-Don't know if I can use you.
Like, I tell a joke
and all of a sudden you like,
"boo-di-di-doo-di-di-doo
di-di-doo. Boo-di-di doo."
Like, "everybody, that's my
bass player. He's a childhood
friend of mine."
I drink tequila,
and I drink it from a teacup.
I call it, you know,
I'm just sipping "T."
And where is this taking place?
Backstage after the shows.
And you're on shows with like,
five other comedians,
so it's a lot of that
comedian lifestyle.
Right, right.
Laughing, we all go in
each other's rooms.
So, you go out
with, like, five guys?
Yeah. It's like, George Lopez,
myself, Eddie Griffin,
D.L. Hughley...
All together?
-Yeah, it's like a...
Yeah, an arena tour.
-Those must be big shows.
Any given night, it's like
a football game, right? It's
going for the championship.
Any given night.
- Any given night.
- Somebody can just take you out.
There's nothing a comedian
loves than another comedian
laid low, right?
- Yeah.
- Why do we enjoy that so much?
When somebody tells you...
"He died on stage.
Seinfeld, skinned up his knees."
Feelin' like this.
We just live in a survival
mindset all the time, right?
Like these kids
with these video games.
Yeah.
Come around the corner.
"Ba-ba-ba-bum, ba-ba-bum."
If you were to do
a stand-up comedy video game,
it would look
pretty much like that.
Except there'd be jokes
coming out instead of bullets.
And it would
be audience members,
it wouldn't be terrorists,
just regular
audience members that you'd...
Of this lady.
You're like a South American
dictator or you're like Gaddafi.
You're just gonna control
this mob, by yourself.
Right.
Dictators,
comics, and preachers.
This is all the same shtick.
It's all the same shtick.
-We're all
out there by ourselves.
-You're out there by yourself.
And I'm gonna convince you,
you need me
until such time that
it's apparent that I've
worn out my welcome.
That moment right before
they killed Gaddafi,
did you see his face?
It was like,
"I get this, I get it."
You know, I think one of the
toughest things for your kids
is that, I assume they all have
the last name, The Entertainer.
- Which is tough.
- That's gonna be tough.
- It's hard for them.
- Yeah.
There's an expectation.
"But I'm an architect."
Well...
Did you know Robin Harris,
you remember Robin Harris?
Yes. He was the-actually
the guy that inspired me
to do comedy the most.
Robin showed up as this guy
that you definitely
identified with.
He was like really regular.
Yeah, yeah, right.
He didn't... he didn't
wear the shiny suits
and have gloves
with rings on them or...
Like, his style was
very, like, conversational.
"I was on first class.
'You want your meal now?'
I want everything I'm 'posed
to get in first class."
Like, it was the rhythm of it.
"Give me everything I'm 'posed
to get, in first class."
It was the series
and season finale
of my show, The Soul Man.
When black shows go off,
they don't really have the...
they don't get the big fanfare.
Be the final episode
of Seinfeld.
It be billboards,
you were up everywhere,
people would cry, "Oh my god,
I'm gonna miss them so much."
I didn't know it was the last
day of Steve Harvey's show until
they showed up with the cake.
It's like he got
fired on Friday.
I'm like,
"What's the cake for, Steve?"
He's like, "This is
the last day, dawg."
I just can't get off of Ali,
it's been such an amazing week,
with his passing.
The thing about Ali, that really
people have not talked about
this week,
is this magical,
magnificent man,
who was the most
magical man, of the time.
Yeah.
But in that time, everything
was larger than life.
The Beatles, Martin Luther King.
Right.
Richard Pryor was like
another level, like so...
-Yeah.
All these guys are mythic.
-Yeah, true.
When I was 15, I used to think,
well, this is just what
the world is, I guess.
-Yeah.
-All these amazing
people live in it.
We expected heavyweight
champions to be these
mythic people.
- Right.
- That was just normal.
That was
the crazy thing about it.
Yeah.
And now there's
nobody like that.
- Nobody.
- Yeah.
This is what the people
are really mourning
at this funeral.
Exactly.
Steph Curry,
I don't care, he's great.
The skills,
the numbers, the career.
Derek Jeter... they're not...
Yeah.
this type of human
we don't see anymore.
Even though
it was kind of, like,
it seemed like
it was self-aggrandizing,
it was so not that.
The braggadocios
attitude and everything,
but it was all so that
you can feel great.
"I'm 22, I'm the baddest
man in the world,
but I don't believe in this war
and I'm not going."
What's gone is nobody
ever doesn't go,
"Well, I don't know
if that's good for my career."
-Oh yeah.
-And how essential is that
to hit the greatness.
-Oh yeah.
-There was no meeting,
"I'm gonna change my name."
"No-no-no-no, people know
Cassius Clay. We can't
change the brand."
No. We're changing it.
Muhammad Ali used to live in
this building in Chicago.
I was dating a girl
who lived in that same building.
I was coming up,
and there was some people
taking stuff out of a truck.
It looked like
they needed some help,
so I walked up,
and he turned around,
it was Muhammad Ali. I mean...
like, dude,
like you just don't expect it.
It was such a regular day
and he was just like, Ali,
he was just super cool.
But it was like one of them
trippy moments in life
like, ah!
Who else could
make you scream?
Not too many people.
No, that was crazy.
Let's get out of here.
I'm done with this place.
- Thanks very much.
- Oh, it was a pleasure.
Fantastic place.
- Thank you so much.
- We loved it.
I was born with, like,
a pretty strong voice.
I remember loving the idea
when my voice changed,
like as a teenager.
Oh, really?
I would always use my voice.
Anybody would call
and, "hello...
"yes...
"oh, you're looking
for my mother?
Well, she's not
here right now."
Got me thinking about all these
apps, like the Waze.
Yeah, I love Waze.
Waze is like, that's the one.
You gotta listen to Waze.
Do not, by any means,
take off on your own.
- No.
- When Waze...
Waze tells you
to do something, do it.
Well, I remember one time
putting it into a really
bad address
and I was like,
"yo, take me here."
And the Waze was talking
and then all the sudden Waze
said, "take me off speaker."
Yeah, then put
the phone up to your ear.
It's like, "look, do you sure
you wanna know where you going?
"You sure,
that's what you wanna do?
All right, okay, you can put me
back on speaker now."
-How's it going, Lorenzo?
-It's going great,
how are you guys doing?
-Lorenzo, how's it going, man?
-I see you got
the jeans on today.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
will be right back,
after this brief word
from our sponsor.
It's beautiful man,
I like this, man, yeah.
Got the champ on, yeah!
What up, dawg,
how you doing, man?
- You're the man.
- Good.
I remember Chis Rock told me
the day he saw you pull up
by him on Sunset
in a... I think it was
a Rolls convertible?
Um, yeah.
I like the yawn
in the middle of that.
- Yeah, that was nice.
- The Rolls convertible.
Yeah...
Yeah, yeah, Jerry.
It was something a little light
I would drive around.
He had to call me and tell me
Cedric has a Rolls.
Yeah.