Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - Norm MacDonald: A Rusty Car in the Rain - full transcript

Norn MacDonald having coffee with Jerry Seinfeld.

-You know, we've had a lot
of cars on this show

that are old cars,
they're classic cars,

they're beautiful,
they're well kept up,

they're little works of art.

And then you have
those old cars that...

people just used as cars.

-(engine revs)

-This is one of those cars.

This is a 1958
Porsche 356 speedster

in nonmetallic aquamarine blue,
with a black interior.

This is my car.
I use it to go places,



to run errands,
take people around,

or drive it just for the sheer
unbelievable fun of it.

The speedster is the most
iconic, classic,

timeless early Porsche
ever made.

It has a tiny
racecar windshield,

a slippery aerodynamic shape,
cool little bucket seats,

and a powerful
60 horsepower motor.

-(engine revs)

-What makes this particular
speedster so special

is that without anyone
taking very good care of it,

it has survived with all
its original parts intact.

Not every car does.

And for 68 years,
it's been running.

And it's still running.
And I like things like that.



I like things that weren't
that well taken care of

but just hung in there
and survived anyway.

-(man on P.A. shouting)

-It really reminds me of my
very special guest today...

-Hey, the cops
are coming, see?

-Mr. Norm MacDonald.

-I don't want to make a friend,
I just want to find out
about the steak.

-Norm MacDonald is one of
my favorite comedians.

He is the former host
of Weekend Update,

and is now the host of...

-Good evening, everybody,
welcome to Norm MacDonald Live.

-(phone ringing)

-Hello?
-Hey, Norm, it's Jerry.

-Well, hi, Jerry.
Did you bring your car?

-I did, yeah.

It's such a beautiful day,
you're not gonna believe it.

-Oh, I'm happy.

-How do you feel?

-This small talk's helping.

-To me a cup of coffee with
a comedian is my idea of
a perfect day.

-Well, then this is
the perfect show for you.

-Yeah.
-That would be like
if I had a show called,

"Eating Count Chocula
all by myself."

-(theme music plays)

-I'm Jerry Seinfeld,
and this is...

-Hey, Norm.
-Hi, Jerry.

Good Christ!

-(laughing)
-God damn, man.

Holy crow.

-Oh, god.
-What the (bleep)?

-Hey!

-This is a car?

¶ Yeah ¶

-Norm:
I was hoping you'd bring
a tiny ancient car.

-Jerry:
I didn't figure on rain.

-Oh, no.

-I'm sorry about that.
A rusty car in the rain.

-A rusty car in the rain.

-That's the Norm MacDonald
story, isn't it?

-A rusty car in the rain?
-Yeah.

-Sounds like one
of those sex things.

"How much for a rusty
car in the rain?"

-This car is working
amazingly well

for the conditions
that we're in,

which really couldn't be worse.

-Now, you're changing
lanes, I notice.

-Let's make a list of
incredibly banal observations.

-My mother-- we'll be in a car
and we'll be driving,

she'll go, "Ralphs."

She'll just read
words on buildings.

-Here's another thing I find
that old people do.

They're completely surprised

when waiters want to know
what you want to eat.

They're just like...

"Oh!"
-Right, and they're--

-"Oh, okay."

-Caught unaware.
-"What would you like?"

They always seem to be
caught off guard.
-Yeah.

One time I went on,
it was like, a dance floor.

And they gave me a Mr. Mic.

Do you know what a Mr. Mic is?
-Of course.

-So I'm holding the speaker
and the mic and talking.

And then a guy comes in
from the street, you know?

-Yeah.
-And there's no sign there
advertising for me, right?

So he thinks I'm
a psychotic you know, person.

And so he starts
approaching me, you know.

Like, you would say
"give me the gun," you know.

And I'm like, "No no,
I'm the performer.
I'm the entertainer."

-I did a similar gig
at a disco in Queens.

-And what happened in Queens?
-Oh, died a miserable death.

I went to get paid,

and the owner went, "I didn't
even know you were on."

I said, "Nobody did."

-Are you allowed
to swear on this program?

-Sure. But I'll beep it.

You know how I am
with the words.

-I'm not gonna
use those words.

Well, listen,
as I get older,

I understand
the value of clean comedy.

-Oh, yeah?
-And how it's a superior--

Now, you're gonna say
it's not superior,

but it is superior.

-Oh, it's totally superior.
-Oh, you do think it is?

-Completely.
-Oh, okay.

-Would you ever
consider changing your style?

-Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I considered for a while
because, uh,

you know, I loved Rodney
when he would go on,

uh, The Tonight Show.

And just destroy
for eight minutes.
-Yeah.

-Then go on the couch, destroy
for another five minutes.

-Yeah.
-And then at the end,
"How was your week, Johnny?"

You know, after just, like--
-Yeah.

-Non-stop knockout punches.

-Well, what do you want
to do now, huh?

-(all laughing)

-That wraps it up, huh?

-Jerry:
I'll go as far as to say this.

Um, I think that
cursing ruined his act.

-No, I would agree with you.

I had no idea, as a matter
of fact, I was so naive,

I only knew him from
Tonight Show appearances.
-Yeah.

-And it wasn't until
I got to Los Angeles,

and I was like, whoa.

-I think it
undermined his charm.

-Yeah, even the way he, you know
he used to dress so beautifully

with the suits.
And the character...
-Yeah.

-And then I go then
what's the character now?

A guy with bleached blond hair
and a Hawaiian shirt,

you know what I mean? It didn't
seem to make any sense.

-Yeah.

-I was just in
Las Vegas, Nevada.

-Yeah.
-And I was in the elevator.

So it was just
a man and his wife.

And the man says to his wife,

"I don't care what I told you,
give me the money!"

-Or the husband
yelling at the wife,

"How do you lose $150
on a slot machine?"

And she says,
"You lost 15,000."

He says, "Yeah, but I know
how to gamble."

-(laughs)

The guy who loses,
you know, he says,

"My god, I had
a terrible day today.

"Lost 15 out of 15
in college football,

"I lost uh, eight out of eight
in baseball, you know.

"I lost uh, uh, six out of six
in soccer, you know.

"I don't know what
I'm going to do, you know."

And uh, the other guy goes,

"Well, there's
a hockey game on tonight."

He goes, "I don't know
anything about hockey."

-You like sweaters?

-Sweaters?
Are you kidding me?

-How are you doing financially?

-Well, how much money
does a fella need?

You know what I mean?

You need a--
-Of course I know
what you mean.

It's a very simple question.

-That's right.
Why do I keep saying that?

Now, do you think Cosby's
legacy will be hurt?

-Yeah.
-You do, huh?

I mean, there was a comedian,
Patton Oswalt, he told me,

"I think the worst part
of the Cosby thing

"was the hypocrisy."

And I disagreed.

-You disagree with that?
-Yeah.

I thought it was the raping.

It's my feeling most rapists
are hypocrites.

You don't meet many who go,
"I like raping, and I--

"I know it's not
politically correct,

"but by god..."

People go "Well,
he's not being a hypocrite,

"and that's the worst part."

Where are we, Jerry?

-Man, I could use
some hot coffee.

-My god, I could too.
-And hot soup.

-I don't know how
my honeycomb sweater--

Look at that sweater.
I'm gonna send you one.

-It reminds me of the
Bernie Madoff outfit.

When they accosted him
outside the building.

Think it's similar.

-You're saying that's
a good thing. Bernie Madoff
had a lot of money.

Good Christ!

(grunting)

Well, here we are.

Isn't this wonderful.
Look at this, huh?

Everybody slams
the door on this car.

You don't need to slam it.

Here we go,
me and Norm MacDonald

on the worst day of the year.
-Yeah.

-(both laughing)

-Ah.
-I'm happy now.

-You are?
-Yeah.

-Because you're inside.

-And I'm with you.
-Yeah.

-And I'm in a diner.

-Aren't diners beautiful?

-I love 'em.
How are you?

-How are you,
good afternoon.

-What is your accent?

-Ireland.

-Jerry: Ireland!
-Yeah, beautiful accent.

-Yeah, it's beautiful.
-Irish brogue.

-Can I get you
something to drink?

-Hot coffee, please.
-Hot coffee.

-Same?
-Yes, I also.

-Okay.
-Yes, yes.

-There you go, gentlemen.
-Thank you so much.

-Oh, look at that.

These are great
cups, by the way.

-This is working out great.

-It is.

This cup is, like,
perfect for coffee.
-Yeah.

-Man, that's coffee.

It's good coffee.
-Yeah, that's really
great coffee.

And especially after
the wet cold that we
just came from.

-Whew. Isn't this fun?
-And now we're warm.

-And now we're warm.
-Well, we're warmed

not only by the coffee,
but by fellowship.

-The bonhomie.
-Mm-hmm.

-(laughing)

-I almost got you there.

I almost got you to spit up
on "bonhomie."

Is that the goal of comedy?

-Yes.
-I guess, huh?

-It's a good feeling.
To make another comedian
spit up a little bit.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Jerry:
Do you not like the saucer?

-Oh, yeah, no, no.

-Oh.
-(laughing)

Man, alive.

-So what I was gonna
ask you to do,

the Nixon/Watergate.

I have to hear that again.

-I would do it 'cause
I love doing Nixon so much.

David Frost is interviewing
Richard Nixon.
-Right.

-Because Watergate
was so ridiculous,

Nixon would use that
for his own benefit.

So at one point
David Frost goes,

"Now, Mr. Nixon, when you had
Hunt and Gordon Liddy

"enter the Watergate hotel,

"and broke into the room,
at that moment,

"they were carrying
listening devices,

"and wigs."

And Richard Nixon
goes, "Well,

"I, uh, I suppose...

"that they were carrying
listening devices.

"Or perhaps you could
call them hearing devices.

"And wigs."

-Yeah, I watch old TV shows.
-Yeah.

And it was the first Kojak--

You remember Kojak?
-Telly Savalas.

-Telly Savalas.

-With the lollipop.

-Yeah, he had
the lollipop going.

So for the pilot,

it was Crocker's first day.

-You know, Kevin Dobson
played Crocker.
-Sure, Crocker.

-So he was just
out of police academy.

Green. They kept saying
how green he was.

Kojak had been around
a long time.

He knew everything.

So he has this green kid

and he doesn't know if he even
wants to be working with him.

So what was happening was
prostitutes were being murdered.

-Oh, my.
-He goes,

"Go down and try to get
some information

"from the prostitute's mother."

So a little while later
Crocker comes back.

"I talked to her mother.
She wasn't a prostitute at all.

"She was a good, good girl."

So Kojak's seen it all, right?

So he takes his lollipop,
he goes,

"Yup. She was a good girl.

"Mama's apple pie,
the Fourth of July--

"She was a hooker!"

Crocker was too green
to see it, you know?

That's a funny one
that anyone can do at home.

-This hot sauce is so hot.

-Do you like
really hot things?

-I do, but that is
unbelievably hot.

-I'm gonna try this.

-Do you like hot sauce?
-Oh, I hate it.

But you know, you gotta
try new things in life.

-No, you don't.
-Yeah, you're right.

I don't know if you
had this when you were young,

but we'd always go, you know,

"We'll do heroin...
when we're 80."

The idea being that once
you hit 80...
-Yeah.

-What do you got to lose?

-Right.
-Might as well do heroin.

But now that I grow older
I realize,

it's not like you become
fearless when you become older.

It's the opposite.

You know, I remember
my grandmother,

I walked into the room once,

and she had a bruise
that went from her wrist

all the way up
to her shoulder.

Big purple, yellowish bruise.
-Wow.

-And I said, "My god, Grandma,
where'd you get that?"

"The wind."
-(laughing)

-So she's not doing heroin.

-Whoa!

Son of gun, that's hotter than
a two-dollar pistol!

Man alive!

How do you feel
about John Hinckley

walking the streets of D.C.?

And yet attempted murder
and murder

are the same thing?
-The same thing.

Well, it's
a different skill level.

-(chuckles)

What about manslaughter?

Less than murder,
but sounds way worse.

-The other one is if you kill
more than one person,

that's called
"special circumstances."

Which sounds to me like
a custom-made jacket.

Now, you can buy one
off the rack,

but we also have these...
special circumstances.

-A bespoke jacket.
-Yeah.

Doesn't sound like a very
elegant term for

murdering lots of people.

Well, let's just call it...
special circumstances.

-One of the most hellish things

was that Richard Speck,
you know.
-Yeah.

-Busted in and killed
all the nurses.

But I remember
he was charged with...

whatever, nine counts of rape,
nine counts of murder,

and one count
of breaking and entering.

-(laughing)

-Not only did you enter,
you broke something.

-I never thought of that.
-Yeah.

That door knob was broken.

Who's gonna pay for that?

When I first came to Hollywood,
I wrote for Roseanne,
you know?

And I remember looking at
the first script, you know,

'cause when you come at it from
a stand up perspective,

and you read these jokes,

you go,
"Every joke's gonna bomb."

Like-- You know, and I remember
telling people. I go,

"This whole show people are
gonna be booing, you know?"

And everyone said,
"No, no, it's fine."

-Yeah.
-'Cause I didn't
know how it worked.

I didn't know
that the audience is
complicit in the whole affair.

-That's funny.

-So, you know,
if they don't laugh,

the warm-up guy
stops the show...

-Yeah.
-...berates them,
and says,

"Whenever the guy
stops talking, laugh."

You know what I mean?
-Right.

-But how insulting is it when
you're watching TV

and every joke kills?

-I'm comforted by the fact
that most of these shows tank.

Here's a company, okay,
a television network.

We're gonna make
a piece of entertainment,

we're gonna bring it
to your living room,

give it to you for free,
and the public says,

"We don't want it."

-(both laughing)

-How bad is that show?

If you don't like a guy's act,
any chance you'd like him?

-Hmm.

No.
-No.

When I grew up
with cartoons,

there were
good guys and bad guys.

But do you like this move
to conflicted characters?

-What do you think?
-I don't think you do.

-No.
-I think you like
good versus bad.

-Yes. This is my big beef

with, for example,
James Bond.

You have a license to kill,

you have the fastest
car in the world,

every girl wants
to go to bed with you.

How about a smile?

-Yeah, all right.

-How about a little
smile once in a while?

What's all the internal strife?

-Right, right.

-Your last Letterman with
the World War I and II bit...

-The only country that really
worries me

is the country of Germany.

I don't know if you guys are
history buffs or not, but...

in the early part of
the previous century,

Germany decided
to go to war.

And who did
they go to war with?

The world.

And so you figure that would
take about five seconds

for the world to win,
but no, it was actually close.

Then about 30 years pass,

and Germany decides again
to go to war,

and again,
it chooses as its enemy

the world.

And this time they
have that guy.

(imitates German yelling)
That guy.

-I have never heard more comics
talk about a bit.

And I heard that you put
a lot of work into that.

-Goddamn right I did.

But you'd think at that point
the world would go,

"Listen, Germany,
here's the deal.

"You don't get to be
a country no more

"on account of you
keep attacking

"the world."

-Do you think firemen
should have the day off
when its raining?

-(laughing)

-Give 'em the day off.

-Norm: Holy crow.

-Jerry:
You say more things
that nobody says anymore.

-(both laughing)

-"Holy crow"?

I haven't heard that
since '58.

-(laughing)

(grunting)

-(laughing)
-Jesus.

My son, when I went
to see him in college,

you don't know
if your child's gay,

you know what I mean?
Until he tells you.
-Right.

So I'm always like, super
pro-gay just in case.

-Right.
-So I'm like, "Oh..."

I'm like,
"My friend just came out.

"Oh, we're so happy,
you know?

"It's good that he came out.
He's gay."

And then I began to think

maybe my son
thinks I'm gay now?

And we each think
each other is gay.

-Leading secretive
heterosexual lives,

acting gay around
each other

to make the other one
not feel bad.
-Right.

-Larry Miller has
the greatest joke I've ever
heard about Canada.

He says you go to Canada,

it's like as if aliens
had captured you,

brought you back
to their planet,

and rebuilt what they
thought was earth,

but they could only
see it through telescopes.

And you would get out,
they would release you,

and you would walk into this--
what seemed like America,

and you go
"Oh, great, I'm home."

And then you would
slowly realize

that something
is terribly wrong.

-(chuckles)

You go,
"Blue Dot Gasoline?

"The Ford Commander?
"What are these things?

"This is not my home.
I'm not home."

I'm impressed that you
appreciate the humor of that
as a Canadian.

-You have a lot to accomplish
in your remaining years?

-My entire adult life
is just...

making comedy stuff.

And for some reason,
it's important to me

to make as much of it
as I can.

I imagine a wood chuck has
a similar mindset.
-A wood chuck?

-Yeah, a wood chuck thinks,
"I'm a wood chuck,

"I've got to chuck wood...

"as much as I can
'cause that's my thing."

-My son writes
eight hours a day.

And he loves poetry.

-Really?
-Which, I don't
understand poetry.

I don't understand
a single word.
-Poetry is bad stand up.

It's carefully chosen words
that have no laugh at the end.

-Norm:
Wait, what are you
doing in there?

-We're gonna do
the opening of the show.

-(laughing)
Holy Christ, man.

That was a junkyard.
Son of a bitch.

-Jerry:
Comedians in Cars Getting
Coffee will be right back

after this brief word
from our sponsor.

-Jerry:
Here's another cool
thing about this car.

It has 99,900-something
miles on it,

and today, we will shoot this
car turning over the odometer.

It's about to go over
100,000 miles.

Look at this.

Six...

Seven...

Eight...

Nine...

Agh! I can't do it!

I just can't do it.

Jerry:
Who's coming in there saying
"I need one of those engines

"from an '83 Chevy Citation?"