Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - A Taste of Hell from on High - full transcript
ripped by antsh
This is a 1963 VW Karmann Ghia
in sea blue.
It happens to be equipped with
a four-cylinder Porsche 912 engine...
...suspension and brakes.
But that is a secret.
This was a sports car for guys
that wanted a sports car...
...but also wanted a VW.
So you had to have a sense of humor.
I love it.
-This is Joel.
-Hey, Joel, what's up?
-Jerry, what's happening?
-Nothing.
-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-Yes.
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
Today my guest is Joel Hodgson,
creator ofMystery Science Theater 3000.
And one of my favorite
cultural visionaries.
You know, I knew you
when you only had one car.
That's how long I've known you.
There's Hernandez
Sewer Cleaning and Heating.
For all your cleaning needs.
"Video inspection of sewer lines."
Well, there's a movie I wanna see.
Honey, run that video
of our sewer line one more time.
What's on cable tonight?
Not too much. We got
the video inspection of sewer lines.
Let's watch that,
and then show my colonic inspection.
What's what called?
How did we both go to that right--?
So quickly.
Do you remember,
somebody wrote a piece...
...and they described you
as the adult result...
...of an over-stimulated childhood.
-Do you remember that?
-No, I don't.
You took every product
they put out there...
...every cereal, right to the soul.
A guy who thought Kellogg's and Mattel
had a master plan that couldn't fail.
And no, not in the least.
They were not thinking about me at all.
Is this the kind of car you'd
worry about if I were to wreck it?
Like you would get upset, right?
Who's not upset
when they wreck a car?
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Welcome to North New Jersey,
embroidery capitol of the world.
I know, I always felt
that should be embroidered.
Like, if they're so great,
show me something big.
Look at that dump truck.
Now that's a great vehicle.
That's a thing that's just
made to be shrunken down...
...so you can get it in your hand.
People love to repurpose a phrase.
I mean, "dump truck"
is just sitting there waiting...
...for some new type
of elimination process to be branded.
"We're calling it the dump truck."
And then they look at you.
"Good, huh?"
What do you think of the Cube?
I like it.
I think it's, like, people that want
to be driving something...
...so when the robots take over,
they won't be mad at them.
-Yeah.
-I'm one of you.
Let him pass. He's driving the Cube.
Mad Menis so great still.
-Yeah, I love it.
-I'm still in the middle of it, watching it.
We were onto that in the '80s.
That's all we wanted was to be
advertising guys in the '60s.
-That's right.
-We used to talk about that all the time.
-Drinking at lunch.
-Yup.
-And having a bar in your office.
-Yup.
Is that a shared dream
of all guys our age?
-Of course it is.
-And the sexual revolution...
-Yup. Yup.
-...was all tied up in that.
That's what the sports cars
were about.
Women will give this to you
if you have the right accessories.
Hey, there's a fantastic spot
right up front.
How could I say no to that?
When we were kids, you'd see cars,
every one looked different.
Each car looked so different.
So unique unto itself.
This whole-- This is just oatmeal.
Yeah, they're grinding
all the edges off, Jerry.
-Same thing they're doing to us.
-There's your Saab.
-I would love coffee.
-I'll take a coffee too.
This place is weird.
Most things that are weird...
-...are not weird good.
-And this is weird good.
This is weird good.
It's another '50s diner.
Why are we looking back all the time?
This diner is about
looking backward, right?
So why are we looking back?
Because when you look back, you know
what you're gonna say. That's why.
-Right.
-You know what to say about the past.
You don't know what to say
about the future.
-Dammit, you're smart.
-See?
The economics of a restaurant are always
beyond my mental comprehension.
So I come and I get a tuna sandwich...
...$4 and 50 cents...
...and that enables you
to run this whole place?
That's why so many restaurants
don't make it.
Many people think they have
a good idea for a restaurant.
The guy that makes the money
is the guy who sells equipment.
Just like the guy who sells
the guitars makes the money.
-He does?
-Not the band.
How many guitars
have you bought over the years?
-Two, three.
-Yeah, see?
-Do you play the guitar?
-No.
Yeah. You know how many
I've bought? Six.
And I don't play the guitar.
The other thing
that's an object of fascination...
...that I've found of comedians
of all kinds--
And this goes back
to theMad Menthing.
The corporate environment.
The idea of bosses and employees
is just hilarious to us.
Why is that so funny?
Well, we don't have to do it, right?
It's such a typically human attempt
to organize...
-...what is unorganizable. Life.
-You're right.
We just see the hopelessness
of trying to organize...
...human endeavor into a building.
We like to be in a system.
-That works.
-If you can agree...
...with me that I'm your boss...
...and you do what I say,
everything is gonna be fine.
What do you think of this ketchup
with the cap on the bottom?
It's great. How many fights
did they have over this...
...before someone said,
"But the ketchup goes to the bottom.
Put the cap on the bottom."
What about the passing-gas
sound problem of the ketchup?
Do you think they talk about that?
You know:
Hey, how's that upside-down jar
coming along?
-Fantastic. People love it.
-Focus groups, off the charts.
-We do have one problem.
-What could possibly be the problem?
When the bottle's
been sitting upright....
I'm with you.
It's filled with our good ketchup.
Go ahead.
Well, sir, it's not something we've ever
faced before in our ketchup bottles.
My wife's picking me up in 15 minutes.
-Could you get to the point?
-He's gotta be in a tux.
Him and his wife
are going to a function.
Yeah, he's putting on his cuff links.
He's doing his tie.
Looking at the opera tickets.
It's this, sir.
Sounds normal to me. Sounds like
our new upside-down bottle...
...extruding our good ketchup.
Well, what do you propose we do?
There is a chance that the consumer
will not find it objectionable.
It'll be kind of like the slowness
of our older bottle.
-Or...?
-Or we eventually have a PR problem.
We're worried about these
YouTube kids getting hold of this.
They could have a field day
with this, if you know what I mean.
Anderson here feels if we can get out
in front of this thing...
...and make fun of it ourselves,
we would be perceived as in on the joke.
Roll the "Who let one?" reel.
This is just a test reel, but this
shows you some funny things we can do.
If we get the okay from you,
that is.
What are you laughing about?
Why are movies so much more fun...
...to make fun of than television?
They're aspiring to present
God's point of view.
It's big. This is life...
-...in all its fury. You know?
-Yes.
-Did you likeAvatar?
-I did.
I bought the entire dream.
My favorite part was that guy
in the helicopter with the coffee cup.
When they were attacking?
Remember him?
Like, that was part of his breakfast.
Killing people.
Part of his complete breakfast.
-Big mug of joe.
-I just need something.
Why aren't I waking up? Oh, that's right.
I've gotta give someone
a taste of hell from on high.
Fill these natives full of lead.
That's how I start my day.
That's a bracer.
-Now I'm up.
-If I haven't killed...
...I'm just no good in the morning.
You gonna wanna kill that guy?
Because I could go
for another one right now.
This is a 1963 VW Karmann Ghia
in sea blue.
It happens to be equipped with
a four-cylinder Porsche 912 engine...
...suspension and brakes.
But that is a secret.
This was a sports car for guys
that wanted a sports car...
...but also wanted a VW.
So you had to have a sense of humor.
I love it.
-This is Joel.
-Hey, Joel, what's up?
-Jerry, what's happening?
-Nothing.
-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-Yes.
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
Today my guest is Joel Hodgson,
creator ofMystery Science Theater 3000.
And one of my favorite
cultural visionaries.
You know, I knew you
when you only had one car.
That's how long I've known you.
There's Hernandez
Sewer Cleaning and Heating.
For all your cleaning needs.
"Video inspection of sewer lines."
Well, there's a movie I wanna see.
Honey, run that video
of our sewer line one more time.
What's on cable tonight?
Not too much. We got
the video inspection of sewer lines.
Let's watch that,
and then show my colonic inspection.
What's what called?
How did we both go to that right--?
So quickly.
Do you remember,
somebody wrote a piece...
...and they described you
as the adult result...
...of an over-stimulated childhood.
-Do you remember that?
-No, I don't.
You took every product
they put out there...
...every cereal, right to the soul.
A guy who thought Kellogg's and Mattel
had a master plan that couldn't fail.
And no, not in the least.
They were not thinking about me at all.
Is this the kind of car you'd
worry about if I were to wreck it?
Like you would get upset, right?
Who's not upset
when they wreck a car?
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Welcome to North New Jersey,
embroidery capitol of the world.
I know, I always felt
that should be embroidered.
Like, if they're so great,
show me something big.
Look at that dump truck.
Now that's a great vehicle.
That's a thing that's just
made to be shrunken down...
...so you can get it in your hand.
People love to repurpose a phrase.
I mean, "dump truck"
is just sitting there waiting...
...for some new type
of elimination process to be branded.
"We're calling it the dump truck."
And then they look at you.
"Good, huh?"
What do you think of the Cube?
I like it.
I think it's, like, people that want
to be driving something...
...so when the robots take over,
they won't be mad at them.
-Yeah.
-I'm one of you.
Let him pass. He's driving the Cube.
Mad Menis so great still.
-Yeah, I love it.
-I'm still in the middle of it, watching it.
We were onto that in the '80s.
That's all we wanted was to be
advertising guys in the '60s.
-That's right.
-We used to talk about that all the time.
-Drinking at lunch.
-Yup.
-And having a bar in your office.
-Yup.
Is that a shared dream
of all guys our age?
-Of course it is.
-And the sexual revolution...
-Yup. Yup.
-...was all tied up in that.
That's what the sports cars
were about.
Women will give this to you
if you have the right accessories.
Hey, there's a fantastic spot
right up front.
How could I say no to that?
When we were kids, you'd see cars,
every one looked different.
Each car looked so different.
So unique unto itself.
This whole-- This is just oatmeal.
Yeah, they're grinding
all the edges off, Jerry.
-Same thing they're doing to us.
-There's your Saab.
-I would love coffee.
-I'll take a coffee too.
This place is weird.
Most things that are weird...
-...are not weird good.
-And this is weird good.
This is weird good.
It's another '50s diner.
Why are we looking back all the time?
This diner is about
looking backward, right?
So why are we looking back?
Because when you look back, you know
what you're gonna say. That's why.
-Right.
-You know what to say about the past.
You don't know what to say
about the future.
-Dammit, you're smart.
-See?
The economics of a restaurant are always
beyond my mental comprehension.
So I come and I get a tuna sandwich...
...$4 and 50 cents...
...and that enables you
to run this whole place?
That's why so many restaurants
don't make it.
Many people think they have
a good idea for a restaurant.
The guy that makes the money
is the guy who sells equipment.
Just like the guy who sells
the guitars makes the money.
-He does?
-Not the band.
How many guitars
have you bought over the years?
-Two, three.
-Yeah, see?
-Do you play the guitar?
-No.
Yeah. You know how many
I've bought? Six.
And I don't play the guitar.
The other thing
that's an object of fascination...
...that I've found of comedians
of all kinds--
And this goes back
to theMad Menthing.
The corporate environment.
The idea of bosses and employees
is just hilarious to us.
Why is that so funny?
Well, we don't have to do it, right?
It's such a typically human attempt
to organize...
-...what is unorganizable. Life.
-You're right.
We just see the hopelessness
of trying to organize...
...human endeavor into a building.
We like to be in a system.
-That works.
-If you can agree...
...with me that I'm your boss...
...and you do what I say,
everything is gonna be fine.
What do you think of this ketchup
with the cap on the bottom?
It's great. How many fights
did they have over this...
...before someone said,
"But the ketchup goes to the bottom.
Put the cap on the bottom."
What about the passing-gas
sound problem of the ketchup?
Do you think they talk about that?
You know:
Hey, how's that upside-down jar
coming along?
-Fantastic. People love it.
-Focus groups, off the charts.
-We do have one problem.
-What could possibly be the problem?
When the bottle's
been sitting upright....
I'm with you.
It's filled with our good ketchup.
Go ahead.
Well, sir, it's not something we've ever
faced before in our ketchup bottles.
My wife's picking me up in 15 minutes.
-Could you get to the point?
-He's gotta be in a tux.
Him and his wife
are going to a function.
Yeah, he's putting on his cuff links.
He's doing his tie.
Looking at the opera tickets.
It's this, sir.
Sounds normal to me. Sounds like
our new upside-down bottle...
...extruding our good ketchup.
Well, what do you propose we do?
There is a chance that the consumer
will not find it objectionable.
It'll be kind of like the slowness
of our older bottle.
-Or...?
-Or we eventually have a PR problem.
We're worried about these
YouTube kids getting hold of this.
They could have a field day
with this, if you know what I mean.
Anderson here feels if we can get out
in front of this thing...
...and make fun of it ourselves,
we would be perceived as in on the joke.
Roll the "Who let one?" reel.
This is just a test reel, but this
shows you some funny things we can do.
If we get the okay from you,
that is.
What are you laughing about?
Why are movies so much more fun...
...to make fun of than television?
They're aspiring to present
God's point of view.
It's big. This is life...
-...in all its fury. You know?
-Yes.
-Did you likeAvatar?
-I did.
I bought the entire dream.
My favorite part was that guy
in the helicopter with the coffee cup.
When they were attacking?
Remember him?
Like, that was part of his breakfast.
Killing people.
Part of his complete breakfast.
-Big mug of joe.
-I just need something.
Why aren't I waking up? Oh, that's right.
I've gotta give someone
a taste of hell from on high.
Fill these natives full of lead.
That's how I start my day.
That's a bracer.
-Now I'm up.
-If I haven't killed...
...I'm just no good in the morning.
You gonna wanna kill that guy?
Because I could go
for another one right now.