Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Unusable on the Internet - full transcript
ripped by antsh
This is a 1970 Mercedes 300SEL 6.3,
V8 engine...
...300 horsepower.
It was invented by a Mercedes
engineer, Henry Waxenberger.
He was the first guy who took
a really big engine...
...and stuffed it into a regular
four-door sedan...
...to make a gentleman's supercar.
-Hello?
-Bob.
Jerry?
Do you wanna go out
for some coffee?
You know, I would love to,
but Larry's coming over...
...and we're doing a network show
called:
Comics in Cabs Going for Chalupa.
I'd love to.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
Hold it a second there, buddy boy.
Today my guest is Bob Einstein,
legendary producer and actor...
...whose credits include
The Smothers Brothers, Super Dave...
...andCurb Your Enthusiasm.
In the mood for coffee?
-I'd like some coffee.
-Let's go.
Let's go get some coffee.
-I love this car.
-It's special.
It's like you. You look normal...
...but there's something weird
going on inside.
Hey, this is gorgeous.
And you know what I like?
-There's an old show-business saying:
-Yeah.
"Don't ever get too big
to use your friends."
And you use your friends
more than anyone I've ever met.
You and I are gonna have
a lot of fun today.
And how much will you use of it?
Eight minutes.
Can you let me out here?
Because I've already given you
eight minutes.
You think I'm going to a goddamn deli
and talk to you for six hours...
...and you're gonna use
eight minutes?
I knew he'd come back.
-Am I the best guest you've had--?
-Not yet.
-I've had some really funny people.
-I doubt it.
-See that house?
-Yeah.
That is on the property where Manson
killed Tate and all those people.
This is like being
in one of those vans.
That was an easy property to sell.
"Well, what happened here?"
"It wasn't important."
"Why'd they tear the house down?"
"I don't know.
You want it or not?"
Look at this ad for "Freeze the Fat."
First of all, is that guy fat?
-"No surgery, no down time."
-For them.
They go in and kick you in the nuts
and punch you in the stomach.
And then you're put in an icebox,
and then you get in your car.
What do you think's worse?
-Kids getting drunk on hand sanitizer...
-Yeah.
...or the E! Channel picking up
three years ofThe Kardashians?
The only Kardashian
I'd have sex with is Bruce.
He wears those two earrings now.
This was a decathlete, you know.
Yeah, I know. Maybe that represents
the rings competition.
I don't think it does.
I'm number six right now, aren't I?
What, you stopped talking?
-It's great to meet people, isn't it?
-No.
Here's my favorite thing in bowling.
That guy who just--
He either got a spare or a strike.
-Right.
-The walk back...
-Yeah.
-...the walk of pride.
They walk back like, "I know I'm good.
Everybody knows I'm good."
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Talk to him.
-You're going to the bathroom?
-I gotta go.
And you're leaving me alone
in a bowling alley?
Yeah. It's your show now.
I'm number seven.
Any room for one more?
He's 90? He is not.
Are you 94 years old?
Yeah, all right.
Magnificent.
We're just going to get something
to eat.
-Did you come here to see me?
-We came to see you.
-Good to see you.
-Yeah.
They always have these shoes
all around. Shaq's shoes.
What do you think
when you see that size?
I'm not gonna say it.
I always get the feeling
when I'm in a deli...
...that the mother of these people said
to them when they were children:
"Talk with your mouth open."
You never have to ask a Jew,
"What are you eating?"
-You can see it.
-Because you can see it.
-I would love some coffee, please.
-Me too, please.
This is not really a show.
I don't know what it is.
What do I call it?
What is it, a tweet?
Where am I now number-wise?
Two.
I hate the title.
What is the title again?
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
I like it.
I first became aware of you...
...inThe Smothers Brothers
Comedy Hour...
...when you did Officer Judy.
And I was in love with you
from that moment.
I thought, "This is the funniest guy
I've ever seen."
You know how fast you were playing?
And I've seen everything you've done
since then...
...I watched all theSuper Daves.
And then I never met you until we did
the episode ofCurb Your Enthusiasm.
How great was that?
And the day I meet you, the bit
we're doing is you're gonna tell me...
...a joke. The dirtiest joke ever.
The dirtiest joke in history.
-The great thing was on the show--
-They left in your laugh.
They left in the real laugh from
the first time I heard the joke.
-That was great.
-That was the greatest.
I was working onThe Smothers
Brothers Comedy Hour...
...so I go to this party
and for the first time...
...I take a joint, I go upstairs
to the bathroom and I'm--
I don't know how to smoke anyway,
but I'm inhaling and inhaling...
...and I was dressed as Officer Judy.
I left in a Porsche 356C.
And I'm driving down Sunset...
...unbeknownst to me,
at 25 miles an hour.
And I am pulled over.
And the way I pull over is I go pull over
a little bit up on the curb...
...open the door, and roll out
on the ground. And I'm a policeman.
Oh, my God.
My policy was, as a producer...
...you don't ever get involved
with women...
...who have anything to do
with the show.
Okay?
I'm dating this girl...
...who looks like Little Annie Fanny
out ofPlayboy...
...adorable.
You could have sex with her,
the phone rings, she'll take it.
I have a part in rehearsal of a nurse.
And all she has to say is,
"The doctor will see you now."
Okay, action.
"The doctor will see you now."
No, no, don't you hear
what I'm saying?
"The doctor will see you now."
"The doctor will see you now."
I said, "Can't you--?"
"I never should have slept with you."
In front of 70 people.
-Don't take your tooth out, please.
-I had to.
I thought you were gonna take--
The entire bridge was gonna
come right out.
I wish I could do that.
That was-- I was so scared
in that second.
The whole thing.
Both sides, just that.
And into the coffee and then back in.
I would do that. I would almost have
had them taken out to do that.
-These eggs, they're like crumbs.
-It's horrible.
It's horrible. I would've rather stayed
in the bowling alley.
This is the worst experience
I've ever had.
I'm number six, aren't I?
-Can I take that away?
-Delicious.
-Can I take it home?
-Sure.
May I say something?
And I don't mean this offensive.
And I know you can't use it.
My balls are on fire.
Okay?
My entire sack is burning.
There's a thing called cold batteries.
Oh, you've got yours in your pocket.
I've got mine in my pants.
-You can take it out.
-It's too late.
-This is not a feature film.
-It's fused to my jeans.
-Are you charging us?
-Thank you, yes.
-Thanks.
-I'll take it when you're ready.
Okay. Thank you.
I don't think I have enough money.
Oh, well, why don't I dig in?
-I need some money.
-I would. My money's in my pants.
Okay? It's burnt.
This is so embarrassing,
but I need some-- I need your--
I'm not giving you a dime.
-I swear to God.
-Then we can't leave.
Come on, I'm gonna take you
to Nate 'n Al's. I need $50.
-I'm not joking.
-I can't do it. I can't do it.
Look, all I have is--
Let the sound guy
give you the money.
Because he's gonna have a lawsuit
that he's never seen in his life.
What are you doing?
Wanna show you the performance
of this car.
What did you think of that?
Oh, it's really something.
My head was pinned back.
What did we go, 30?
Look at that house.
That's where I expected you to live.
Someplace like that.
Really impressive.
Anyway, go ahead.
-You don't like my house?
-It's all right.
There's Nate 'n Al's.
Now, what am I gonna do
with this car?
-Do a U right now.
-Okay.
Such a ticket.
-How do you like this new little Fiat?
-I don't.
Now, that's something I could get you
a deal on.
-I love this little new Fiat.
-No, you don't.
I do. I love it.
Look what we're sitting next to.
Solid gold.
-Magnificent.
-Enjoy.
Oh, my God. That is fantastic.
Please don't take your teeth out again.
-That is so good.
-You won on this one.
-How good is that?
-Please, take half.
-No.
-It's the last thing you do.
-If I try that, will you take this?
-No.
-What do you want, a bite?
-Give me that half.
-The whole half?
-I'll take a bite, give it back.
-I'll cut it off for you.
-You're putting your hands all over.
You were gonna put your hands
on my sandwich.
-Here.
-Thank you.
-Touch my fork.
-Now you're touching it again.
-I'm very clean.
-We're having a horrible day.
-People are funny here, aren't they?
-Oh, yeah.
And here is where you get the blowing
of the nose after the meal.
A complete head clear.
It's usually this:
And then it's this:
Remember when we pulled in,
they pulled in?
-Now we're pulling out, so are they.
-What a world.
-Great car.
-You like that?
I love it.
-What did he say?
-I don't know.
What, am I number one?
-You're number one.
-I have to be...
-...with all the effort I put in.
-Tremendous effort.
I appreciate it.
My only regret is that it's unusable.
It's all unusable.
Oh, my God.
Unusable on the Internet.
I'm gonna be sick...
...for a long time.
This is a 1970 Mercedes 300SEL 6.3,
V8 engine...
...300 horsepower.
It was invented by a Mercedes
engineer, Henry Waxenberger.
He was the first guy who took
a really big engine...
...and stuffed it into a regular
four-door sedan...
...to make a gentleman's supercar.
-Hello?
-Bob.
Jerry?
Do you wanna go out
for some coffee?
You know, I would love to,
but Larry's coming over...
...and we're doing a network show
called:
Comics in Cabs Going for Chalupa.
I'd love to.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
Hold it a second there, buddy boy.
Today my guest is Bob Einstein,
legendary producer and actor...
...whose credits include
The Smothers Brothers, Super Dave...
...andCurb Your Enthusiasm.
In the mood for coffee?
-I'd like some coffee.
-Let's go.
Let's go get some coffee.
-I love this car.
-It's special.
It's like you. You look normal...
...but there's something weird
going on inside.
Hey, this is gorgeous.
And you know what I like?
-There's an old show-business saying:
-Yeah.
"Don't ever get too big
to use your friends."
And you use your friends
more than anyone I've ever met.
You and I are gonna have
a lot of fun today.
And how much will you use of it?
Eight minutes.
Can you let me out here?
Because I've already given you
eight minutes.
You think I'm going to a goddamn deli
and talk to you for six hours...
...and you're gonna use
eight minutes?
I knew he'd come back.
-Am I the best guest you've had--?
-Not yet.
-I've had some really funny people.
-I doubt it.
-See that house?
-Yeah.
That is on the property where Manson
killed Tate and all those people.
This is like being
in one of those vans.
That was an easy property to sell.
"Well, what happened here?"
"It wasn't important."
"Why'd they tear the house down?"
"I don't know.
You want it or not?"
Look at this ad for "Freeze the Fat."
First of all, is that guy fat?
-"No surgery, no down time."
-For them.
They go in and kick you in the nuts
and punch you in the stomach.
And then you're put in an icebox,
and then you get in your car.
What do you think's worse?
-Kids getting drunk on hand sanitizer...
-Yeah.
...or the E! Channel picking up
three years ofThe Kardashians?
The only Kardashian
I'd have sex with is Bruce.
He wears those two earrings now.
This was a decathlete, you know.
Yeah, I know. Maybe that represents
the rings competition.
I don't think it does.
I'm number six right now, aren't I?
What, you stopped talking?
-It's great to meet people, isn't it?
-No.
Here's my favorite thing in bowling.
That guy who just--
He either got a spare or a strike.
-Right.
-The walk back...
-Yeah.
-...the walk of pride.
They walk back like, "I know I'm good.
Everybody knows I'm good."
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Talk to him.
-You're going to the bathroom?
-I gotta go.
And you're leaving me alone
in a bowling alley?
Yeah. It's your show now.
I'm number seven.
Any room for one more?
He's 90? He is not.
Are you 94 years old?
Yeah, all right.
Magnificent.
We're just going to get something
to eat.
-Did you come here to see me?
-We came to see you.
-Good to see you.
-Yeah.
They always have these shoes
all around. Shaq's shoes.
What do you think
when you see that size?
I'm not gonna say it.
I always get the feeling
when I'm in a deli...
...that the mother of these people said
to them when they were children:
"Talk with your mouth open."
You never have to ask a Jew,
"What are you eating?"
-You can see it.
-Because you can see it.
-I would love some coffee, please.
-Me too, please.
This is not really a show.
I don't know what it is.
What do I call it?
What is it, a tweet?
Where am I now number-wise?
Two.
I hate the title.
What is the title again?
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
I like it.
I first became aware of you...
...inThe Smothers Brothers
Comedy Hour...
...when you did Officer Judy.
And I was in love with you
from that moment.
I thought, "This is the funniest guy
I've ever seen."
You know how fast you were playing?
And I've seen everything you've done
since then...
...I watched all theSuper Daves.
And then I never met you until we did
the episode ofCurb Your Enthusiasm.
How great was that?
And the day I meet you, the bit
we're doing is you're gonna tell me...
...a joke. The dirtiest joke ever.
The dirtiest joke in history.
-The great thing was on the show--
-They left in your laugh.
They left in the real laugh from
the first time I heard the joke.
-That was great.
-That was the greatest.
I was working onThe Smothers
Brothers Comedy Hour...
...so I go to this party
and for the first time...
...I take a joint, I go upstairs
to the bathroom and I'm--
I don't know how to smoke anyway,
but I'm inhaling and inhaling...
...and I was dressed as Officer Judy.
I left in a Porsche 356C.
And I'm driving down Sunset...
...unbeknownst to me,
at 25 miles an hour.
And I am pulled over.
And the way I pull over is I go pull over
a little bit up on the curb...
...open the door, and roll out
on the ground. And I'm a policeman.
Oh, my God.
My policy was, as a producer...
...you don't ever get involved
with women...
...who have anything to do
with the show.
Okay?
I'm dating this girl...
...who looks like Little Annie Fanny
out ofPlayboy...
...adorable.
You could have sex with her,
the phone rings, she'll take it.
I have a part in rehearsal of a nurse.
And all she has to say is,
"The doctor will see you now."
Okay, action.
"The doctor will see you now."
No, no, don't you hear
what I'm saying?
"The doctor will see you now."
"The doctor will see you now."
I said, "Can't you--?"
"I never should have slept with you."
In front of 70 people.
-Don't take your tooth out, please.
-I had to.
I thought you were gonna take--
The entire bridge was gonna
come right out.
I wish I could do that.
That was-- I was so scared
in that second.
The whole thing.
Both sides, just that.
And into the coffee and then back in.
I would do that. I would almost have
had them taken out to do that.
-These eggs, they're like crumbs.
-It's horrible.
It's horrible. I would've rather stayed
in the bowling alley.
This is the worst experience
I've ever had.
I'm number six, aren't I?
-Can I take that away?
-Delicious.
-Can I take it home?
-Sure.
May I say something?
And I don't mean this offensive.
And I know you can't use it.
My balls are on fire.
Okay?
My entire sack is burning.
There's a thing called cold batteries.
Oh, you've got yours in your pocket.
I've got mine in my pants.
-You can take it out.
-It's too late.
-This is not a feature film.
-It's fused to my jeans.
-Are you charging us?
-Thank you, yes.
-Thanks.
-I'll take it when you're ready.
Okay. Thank you.
I don't think I have enough money.
Oh, well, why don't I dig in?
-I need some money.
-I would. My money's in my pants.
Okay? It's burnt.
This is so embarrassing,
but I need some-- I need your--
I'm not giving you a dime.
-I swear to God.
-Then we can't leave.
Come on, I'm gonna take you
to Nate 'n Al's. I need $50.
-I'm not joking.
-I can't do it. I can't do it.
Look, all I have is--
Let the sound guy
give you the money.
Because he's gonna have a lawsuit
that he's never seen in his life.
What are you doing?
Wanna show you the performance
of this car.
What did you think of that?
Oh, it's really something.
My head was pinned back.
What did we go, 30?
Look at that house.
That's where I expected you to live.
Someplace like that.
Really impressive.
Anyway, go ahead.
-You don't like my house?
-It's all right.
There's Nate 'n Al's.
Now, what am I gonna do
with this car?
-Do a U right now.
-Okay.
Such a ticket.
-How do you like this new little Fiat?
-I don't.
Now, that's something I could get you
a deal on.
-I love this little new Fiat.
-No, you don't.
I do. I love it.
Look what we're sitting next to.
Solid gold.
-Magnificent.
-Enjoy.
Oh, my God. That is fantastic.
Please don't take your teeth out again.
-That is so good.
-You won on this one.
-How good is that?
-Please, take half.
-No.
-It's the last thing you do.
-If I try that, will you take this?
-No.
-What do you want, a bite?
-Give me that half.
-The whole half?
-I'll take a bite, give it back.
-I'll cut it off for you.
-You're putting your hands all over.
You were gonna put your hands
on my sandwich.
-Here.
-Thank you.
-Touch my fork.
-Now you're touching it again.
-I'm very clean.
-We're having a horrible day.
-People are funny here, aren't they?
-Oh, yeah.
And here is where you get the blowing
of the nose after the meal.
A complete head clear.
It's usually this:
And then it's this:
Remember when we pulled in,
they pulled in?
-Now we're pulling out, so are they.
-What a world.
-Great car.
-You like that?
I love it.
-What did he say?
-I don't know.
What, am I number one?
-You're number one.
-I have to be...
-...with all the effort I put in.
-Tremendous effort.
I appreciate it.
My only regret is that it's unusable.
It's all unusable.
Oh, my God.
Unusable on the Internet.
I'm gonna be sick...
...for a long time.