Coach (1989–1997): Season 2, Episode 20 - Poodle Springs - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Dad?

Hey, sweetheart, welcome back!
Hey!

How was your weekend in Ohio?

It was great. It was great.
Mom sends her love.

No, she didn't.

Yeah, I thought I'd say that.
Yeah.

So, I brought something
for you.

Oh, yeah?
Remember this?

My helmet.

My old, college
football helmet.



Where'd you find this?
Mom had it.

God, this brings back
SO many memories.

It was like I had it on
yesterday.

Look! Look,
there's still dirt in it.

You know where
that dirt's from?

My senior year, I was playing my last game.
We played in the Tangerine Bowl, right?

We're on the one-yard line,
four seconds to go,

I dive into the in-zone,

some guy hits me right at the knees.
I land on my head

and when I get up
all I can see

is, like, dirt and sod
just packed in my face mask.

But, Kelly,
I still had the ball.

I scored
the winning touchdown.

God, I think it was the proudest
moment of my whole football career.



And this is the dirt
from that moment.

Can you believe that?

Actually, not really.

When I found it,
Mom was using it as a planter.

Hayden, wait till you see
what I just bought.

This may be the deal of the century.
Well, morning, Luth!

Not now. I'm too excited.
You know what a hi-fi nut I am?

You're a hi-fi nut?

Oh, you know that. I'm a real buff.
I love all that stuff.

Actually, being a big Elvis
fan has a lot to do with it.

I mean, he'll get you excited
about music when nothing else will.

Well, I've always heard that.
Yeah.

Well, I wish I had a dollar for
every one of Elvis's albums I bought.

Well, how much
did you pay for them?

Huh?

Actually, I'm a big fan of his
but to me

he was more
than just a singer, you know?

He was, like, I don't know...
The King!

And you know up till now
I've just never had

the right equipment to make
him sound like he should.

Wait till you see this!

Huh? Huh?

Oh, man! Holy mackerel!

Are these beauties or what?
Wow! They're huge.

You're never going to be able
to use these in your apartment.

Just watch.

With speakers this size it
will make me feel like Elvis

is right there
in the room with me.

People will think
he really is alive.

Where'd you get these?

Well, actually,
it's kind of a sad story.

A young couple lives here on campus,
got themselves in some financial trouble,

they had to sell off
a lot of stuff.

Half the reason
I bought it was that

you know, to help them put food on
the table and a roof over their head.

What did you pay for it?
They wanted $100. I gave them $75.

I don't want to interrupt
but you got a minute, Coach?

Oh, sure, Daub.

Is it okay if I put these in the
team room till I go home tonight?

Yeah, I guess so.

Is it okay if I fire them up
and see if they work?

Yeah, fine.
Okay.

You got some
new speakers, huh, Luth?

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

So what's up, Daub?

I've got a question
I want to ask you.

I was just wondering,

are you and Christine planning on
having dinner at the Touchdown Club

on Saturday night
like you usually do?

Yeah, we probably are.

I know you
don't care for Judy,

but would it bother you if she
and I were eating there also?

I don't think
that'd bother me.

Would it bother you if Judy and I
were eating there with her parents?

Don't think so.

Would it bother you if Judy and I
were eating there with her parents

at the same table
with you and Christine

and we moved the whole party
up to Minneapolis?

Dauber, what the hell
are you talking about?

As you may have gleaned,

Judy's parents are coming to Minneapolis
this weekend and they want to meet me.

I'm real nervous about it, Coach.
Why?

Judy's parents
are rich and sophisticated.

They're real
Southern bluebloods.

Her mother's one of those society
ladies, her dad's a judge.

Which means
he's probably well-educated.

It would really make me feel a lot more
relaxed if you and Christine were there.

Gosh, Daub, you know
I can't stand Judy Watkins.

What makes you think I can stand
the people who created her?

I need you there, Coach.

I want to make
a good impression.

You know how I am
when I get nervous.

I get tongue-tied, I get
clumsy, I talk real slow.

See, if you and Christine
were there,

at least I'd have somebody
else at the table who like me.

Then I could relax
and be my normal self.

Sorry about that. So what do you say?
Will you do it?

Oh, man!

There goes another weekend.
Is that a yes?

All right. Thanks, Coach.

I knew
you wouldn't let me down.

(ROCK-'N'-ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow! Did you hear that?

Are these
great speakers or what?

MERLENE: Oh, you sweetheart!

You are just adorable.

I want to hug you
and kiss you all over.

You show Daddy
your new sweater, Pepper.

Show him.

Doesn't she just look like
a doll in this color?

The dog's a he, Merlene.

It's been a he since we got
him and it's still a he.

What the hell
is he doing in a sweater?

It's cold in here.

Well, close the window.
If I close the window,

she'll breathe
your pipe fumes.

Oh, dear!
Where are they anyway?

I told them to be here by 6:00.
It's 6:00 now.

Why not give them another ten or fifteen
seconds before we alert the police?

Here, you hold the baby.
Now, now!

I'll be in the bedroom.
Oh, that's right.

You let me know
when they arrive.

Oh, be good for Daddy,
sweetheart.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(PEPPER BARKING)

You're on, Merlene!

Hello, baby!
Hi, Daddy!

How's my little girl?

Oh, I thought I heard
someone at the door!

Hello, Mother.
Hello, darling.

Well, I'd like you both
to meet Michael Dybinsky

and these are our friends,
Hayden Fox and Christine Armstrong.

How you doing?
This is my father, Judge R.J. Watkins,

and my mother, Merlene.

And this is Pepper.

She's the real baby
of the family.

It's a he, Merlene.

Pepper is my mother's
pride and joy.

She's just about the dearest
thing in the world to me.

I can vouch for that.

Well, would anyone besides
me like a cocktail? Oh, yeah!

What are you drinking, Hayden?

Well, I usually don't drink anything,
but I'm going to make an exception tonight.

You and I
are going to get along.

Oh, would you
like to play fetch?

Sure.

You meant me throwing it to the
dog, right?

Go to the big, awkward,
young man.

Here you go, Hayden.
Thank you.

So, we understand that you are
Mr. Dybinsky's superior.

Well, I don't like to think of
myself as anybody's superior.

You mean,
you work for Mr. Dybinsky?

No, no.

And you don't have to call him Mr. Dybinsky,
Mother. His name is Michael.

Actually, most people
call me Dauber.

Oh, why is that?

Well, actually, it's a name I
gave him during his playing days.

See, the way he moved always used
to remind me of big, old mud dauber.

Aren't mud daubers those
dreadful long legged insects?

Yeah, they're wasps.

What an unfortunate name
to be called.

It's not unfortunate really.
It's just a nickname.

I give nicknames to all the people
I'm really fond of. Don't I, Stinky?

Actually, Dauber here
is my number one man.

That's true.
Hayden's always saying,

"It's hard to imagine getting
through a season without Dauber.”

Thanks, guys.

Yeah, he runs a defense, kind
of, and he helps out in there.

Does some scouting reports

and got his own youth
football camp in the summer.

Sounds like
you keep busy, son.

Plus there's my studies.
Okay, who's hungry?

Oh, I didn't realize
you were still in school.

Is this postgraduate work?

Uh, well, no.
It's pre-graduate work.

You don't have a degree?

So are we
going to eat or what?

You can stop grilling him, Mother.
I know what you're trying to do.

Well, I haven't the slightest idea
what you're talking about, honey.

I thought
I was being charming.

I thought we'd just go down
to the hotel restaurant.

I got us a private room.
I don't know if the food's any good,

but I was very impressed
with the bar.

Do you think Pepper will be all
right alone here in the room?

We're not taking the damn
dog to dinner, Merlene.

I know that, dear.
There's no need to curse.

I'm sure Pepper
will be just fine, Mother.

Well, come on now
before the dining room closes.

All right. After you.

How do you think
I'm doing, Coach?

You're doing fine.

Besides, you've got the rest of dinner
to charm the pants off them, Daub.

I'm just so nervous.

I'm afraid I'm going to do
something really stupid.

Relax. Come on, we're just going to go down and eat.
Throw the ball. Let's go.

(BARKING)

Oops.

DAUBER: Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Jeez, what a stupid dog!

Pepper! Pepper.

Do you see anything?
No, do you?

Jeez, we're five stories up.

I mean,
how can we see anything?

Not that I'd want to.
He's dead, isn't he, Coach?

No, he could be... Oh, God,
what could he be?

Jeez!
He's dead.

I know it!

I've killed
Judy's mother's dog.

Dauber, it was not your fault.
It was an accident.

What am I going to do?

Jeez, Daub, I don't know!

Now, wait a minute.

There's a lot of bushes down there.
Maybe he landed on something soft.

I wouldn't be that lucky.

When you're meeting
your girlfriend's parents,

and they don't like you
in the first place,

killing their dog is, like,
the worst thing you could do.

Well, yeah, Daub, I gotta
admit, it's up there, all right.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hide!

Hide?

Dauber, get out here!
Daub, sit down, sit! Sit down, Dauber!

Now, nothing happened.
Act natural.

Who is it?
Christine.

Come on in here,
get, get.

What are you two guys doing up here?
I thought you were right behind us.

Where is everybody else?

They've already gone into the restaurant.
What's going on?

(BOTH GASP)

(BOTH STUTTERING)

Pepper! Pepper!

Pepper jumped
out the window.

What?
Yeah!

I accidentally threw
the ball out the window,

and Pepper accidentally
went out after it.

Oh, my God!
He's dead.

Oh, Daub, he's not dead.
We don't know that! We can't see.

Do you think there's even a remote chance
a dog could survive a fall like that?

Even if it did,
what good would it be?

Hayden, we should get down there and
check or something, shouldn't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What am I going to do?

My life is ruined.

Don't say that, Dauber.
Your life is not ruined!

Hayden's right.

I'm sure Mrs. Watkins
will, will...

Well, I was going to say
understand, but it's hard, isn't it?

Yeah.

What am I going to tell her?

You don't have to
tell her anything.

It's stupid to tell her anything
until we know what happened.

Now, come on, Dauber.

I want you to go down there and check the
dumpsters, the bushes, the pool...

The tile patio,
the cement sidewalk...

Oh, now, wait a minute,
come on.

Come on, we gotta
have some hope.

Christine, you and I,
we'll just go down,

have dinner with the Watkins,
we'll cover, okay?

Daub, you go check,
see if you can find out what happened.

When you find out,
you come and tell us. Okay?

What if it turns out
that Pepper is dead?

All right, then in that case,
there's nothing else we can do.

We gotta sit there,
we're gonna have dinner,

and we're gonna come back here to the
room, and we're gonna tell them the truth.

Pepper was kidnapped.

Now let's go.

(DOOR OPENING)

There you are.
We were beginning to wonder.

Where's Michael?

Uh, Michael?
Had to make a phone call.

To who?

To who? Who was the phone call
to, Christine?

Let me think.
To his family.

Right. To his brother.

Michael doesn't
have a brother.

Sure, he does.
No, he doesn't.

Well, he does, too.
Where?

Where?
Where is his brother, Christine?

(STAMMERS)

Turkey.

That's right, Turkey.

What's he doing in Turkey?

Hayden?

In prison.

What?

Yeah. His brother's
in a Turkish prison.

Whatever for?

You saw the movie
Midnight Express, didn't you?

Hayden, what is going on?

Nothing. You asked me
a question and I told you.

You're telling me Michael's brother is
in a Turkish prison for drug running?

He didn't do it!
He was set up!

You saw the movie
The Sting, didn't you?

What are we talking about
Dauber's brother for, anyway?

The man's a loser.

Let's talk about
something else.

Christine, isn't there something
you want to talk about, honey?

Well, sure.

What's it like
living in Atlanta?

You saw Gone With The Wind,
didn't you?

I just love Atlanta.

It's such a beautiful city.

I mean, I've only been there
once in my life,

but I was totally
captivated by it.

I really hated to leave.

How long were you there?

Well, actually, I was just
changing planes.

But it was a long,
long layover,

and I grew to love it.

Excuse me,
are you ready to order yet?

I am but I think we're waiting
for another member of our party.

Very well.

Why don't I open the drapes SO you can
enjoy our beautiful sculpture garden?

I don't understand
your friend, Judy.

We fly all the way from
Atlanta to meet him

and he simply disappears.

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?
Bow your heads.

What?
I'm going to say grace.

CHRISTINE: Bow your heads.

CHRISTINE: Oh, God.
Dear God,

generous God,

we thank you for the food
we are about to...order.

(STAMMERING)

Amen.
Amen, amen!

Oh, honey, sweetheart,
that was a beautiful prayer.

Thank you.

Okay, would anybody
like another drink?

I'm ready.

Christine, wasn't there
something else

about that Atlanta airport
that you just love, sweetheart?

Why don't you share that?

Yes, as a matter of fact,
there was the airport gift shop.

CHRISTINE: Now I've been to
a lot of top notch airports,

but your Atlanta gift shop is
something really quite special.

They have a thing they sell there that I've
never seen any place else in the world.

And that is a...

Pepper!

Shaker.

A pepper shaker?

CHRISTINE: In the shape
of Jimmy Carter's head.

And a little salt shaker
just in the shape of Rosalynn.

I'm telling you, it was the most
unique darn thing I've ever seen.

You know, Dauber's been out there,
you were right, an awfully long time.

They don't usually let his
imprisoned brother talk this long.

I'm going to go out and
find out what's keeping him.

Would you excuse me, please?
I'll be right back.

Christine, you're on a roll,
honey, run with it.

Dauber!

Coach, be careful,
the drapes are open!

Oh, I closed the drapes,
what do you think I am, an idiot?

I've looked everywhere.

Coach, I can't find
Pepper anywhere.

Dauber,
Pepper's in the sculpture!

Pepper!
Shh!

He's alive!

How'd he get up there?

Well, his little sweater caught
on the sculpture when he fell.

Here, give me a boost,
we'll get him down.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I can't boost you up
that high. That's 12 feet.

Here, try the chair.

Get up there.

No good, Coach.
I've got to get above him.

All right, Dauber, I think
I know a way. Come on.

Great! Hang on, Pepper.
We're gonna get you.

Hang on, Pepper.
We're gonna get you.

Okay, atta boy, Daub.
Keep bringing her down.

That's it, easy does it.

Oh, man, this is great!

Boy, there's something
you don't see everyday.

Bring her down.
Bring her down.

Atta boy, atta boy.
Okay, we're almost there.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Hold her right there, Daub.

Boy, Daub, I tell you, that's a long reach.
This is gonna be dangerous.

Good luck.

You know, another thing I really
loved about the Atlanta airport

was the food.

They sell
a pecan brittle there

that's as good as anything
I've ever tasted.

You're really kind of a nut
on Atlanta, aren't you?

This is the strangest evening
I've ever spent.

We have been here now
for almost a half an hour,

and where are your men?

I really don't know. Mother.
I don't understand this either.

But when Michael gets here,
you can bet I'm going to find out.

HAYDEN: Look out,
I'm losing you! Hang on.

DAUBER: Hey, Coach, whoa!

What the devil...

Oh, no!

Michael!

It's Pepper!

Oh, my God!

What are they doing hanging
from that contraption?

Don't worry, everybody,
everything's under control here.

My baby's been hanged!

I'm really sorry,
Mrs. Watkins.

You have to believe me when I tell you
this has never happened to me before.

And I can practically guarantee
it will never happen to me again.

Will you get
that man out of here?

Mother, he's trying
to apologize.

I don't want him to apologize.
I want him out of here.

Frankly, I would rather
you were dating his brother.

My brother?

I'll explain later, Daub.

You are a deceitful,
thoughtless young man.

You should have told me
when this happened.

Well, he wanted to,
but he didn't know how.

See, I was afraid
you wouldn't understand.

Now, what is it about me that makes you think
I wouldn't understand a thing like that?

Well...
Oh, shut up.

Now, now, wait a minute.
Let's hold it here.

What happened tonight
was an accident.

Dauber didn't mean for that little Pepper
to go chase the ball out the window.

I mean, this is
one of the good guys here.

And what does one
of the bad guys do,

fling a dog
out of the window?

All he wanted to do
was make a good impression.

Why'd you ask him to play fetch anyway?
You didn't ask anybody else.

I was trying
to include him.

You were trying
to demean him.

Is that what you're doing when you
ask me to play fetch with the dog?

Oh, light your pipe.

The only reason Dauber went along with
it was because he wanted you to like him.

HAYDEN: And I'll tell you
another thing.

You should consider yourselves lucky
that Dauber likes Judy. You know?

I mean, she's no prize.

Hayden!
Look, Christine,

you know what
I'm talking about.

She just irritates
the hell out of me.

And Dauber
treats her like a queen.

Now, come on, let's show a
little Southern hospitality here

and accept Daub's apology.

1 will not be
talked to this way.

For God's sake, Merlene,
accept the boy's apology

so we can watch the news
and go to bed.

And either you accept
Michael, Mother,

or you can throw your relationship
with me right out the...

Well, the point is,

you'd better accept Michael,
because I'm crazy about him.

Oh, Judy, you really are?

Yes.

Oh, I think Pepper and I
are going to be ill.

Mother.

She'll be fine. All she needs
is a good night's sleep

and a few afternoons
at the mall,

and she'll have everything
back in perspective.

Sir, I sincerely hope that
eventually we can all be friends.

Oh, I don't see why not.

If the worst thing you ever do
is kill that dog,

you'll have no problem
with me.

Do you think maybe
we should be going?

I'll race you to the elevator.

It really was very nice
meeting you.

Nice meeting you, Stinky.

If you're ever in Atlanta and you can
tear yourself away from the airport,

you come on down and see us.

I will do that.

Good bye, Daddy.
Good night, sweetheart.

I'll call you
before you go.

Very nice meeting you too, Coach.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Well, I've pretty much
given up enjoying my weekends.

Good luck.

Thank you.

(DOOR SHUTS)

You've got to be kidding.

Here, Pepper.

Go get it, Pepper.

Stupid dog.