Coach (1989–1997): Season 1, Episode 4 - I'm in Love with a Boy Named Stuart - full transcript

WOMAN: Coach is filmed
before a studio audience.

SALESMAN: Okay,
once the nozzle is in place,

you flip the switch,

and in about 10 seconds

the helmet lining
fills up with foam.

Now here's
the great thing.

You take your conventional
helmet, it gets pretty banged up.

You can re-inject Form Fit
before every game.

It fills in
the damaged pockets

and it's like wearing
a brand-new helmet

every time you run out
on the field.



And the important thing is

it greatly reduces the chance
of serious head injury.

Now, isn't that
something, Luth?

Boy, I wish they had that
stuff when I was playing.

Okay. Now for the best part
of the demonstration.

You're not gonna believe this.
Dauber, is it?

Step over here,
will you?

Clear out of the ways, guys.
Sure.

Right over here, boy.
Go get them.

Stand right there,
will you please?

All right.
You can see okay? Yup.

Stand out of the way there.
Give me a three-point stance right down there.

All right.

I'm gonna slam the door
on your head.



Okay.

Ready?

How does
your head feel?

Great.

Go ahead
and slam the door.

Roast beef. Coach.

Ham and cheese. Luth.

Boy, am I hungry.

Is there somebody else coming
I don't know about, Dauber?

I didn't have breakfast
today, Coach.

Oh.

Excuse me, Coach. Yeah, Mrs.
Thorkelson. What is it?

I thought I should warn you.

The band director just called.

He wanted to know
if you were here.

What did you tell him?
I had to tell him the truth.

No, you didn't.

We discussed that
when I hired you.

Now let's go.
Where are we going?

We can eat
in the wrestling room.

No, I don't care
where we eat,

as long as it's somewhere
Riley Pringle can't find us.

He sounded like
he was in a real snit.

Yeah, Riley is a snit.

All he ever wants to talk about
is halftime or pep rallies.

Who cares about the band anyway?
Let's go.

Mr. Pringle.

Off to dine in the
wrestling room again, Coach?

No, actually,
we just finished.

Dauber was gonna go
throw that out.

You want me
to throw this out?

Yeah. Why don't you,
like, throw it out

in the team room there, Daub?

That's a good idea.
I'll help you throw it.

Can I get you any coffee,
Mr. Pringle?

No, I'm too upset for coffee.

So, Rile, hey,
what's the crisis, huh?

We've lost
our Screaming Eagle.

Leonard Bellman, who's been our
mascot for the past two seasons,

has just quit.

You mean the kid
in the bird outfit?

That bird is
our school symbol.

But you've never had any
respect for that, have you?

To you
it's just a silly outfit.

I mean,
it is just a silly outfit.

Well, not to me.

And not to Leonard Bellman

and not to the other
fine young men

who've proudly flapped the
feathers for Minnesota State.

Come on, Riley,
what does this gotta do with me?

It's because of your team
that Leonard quit.

It's no secret, Coach Fox,

that your players
have been trying all season

to upend young Leonard

whenever they run
out of bounds.

Oh, come on.

Don't try to deny it.

Week before last, they actually
chased him up into the stands.

Riley, now, I talked
to you about this.

He irritates everybody,
he annoys the players, you know.

He flaps around the bench.

He squawks when
they give up a touchdown.

I mean, the guys hate that.

Well, be that as it may,

Saturday they went too far.

Oh, come on.
You're not talking about

that little bump
they gave him, are you?

That little bump
knocked his beak off.

He's been in a sitz bath
since Saturday night.

And today,
he told me that he's through.

God, Riley,
what are we gonna do?

Well, I...

You're going to find me a new
Screaming Eagle for Saturday afternoon

or I'm going
to the administration.

Oh, no, Riley,
come on now.

Over a little thing
like this?

Now why can't
we get another guy?

Get one of the kids
in the band.

Well, no one is going to do it
with the threat of physical injury

hanging over his head.

Why don't you do it?

Well, who would
direct the band?

You can get a monkey to direct the
band, can't you?

You have until Saturday.

Either find me an Eagle

or your goose
is cooked.

Oh, jeez.

God.

Why does it...

Who's the worst player
on our team?

That's a long list. Why?

We got to get somebody to dress
up in that stupid eagle outfit

or Riley Pringle's
gonna report me

to the administration
Saturday.

Was that because the guys knocked
that Bellman kid on his can?

Yeah.

Maybe we shouldn't have
told them to do that.

Well, sure, now, looking back on
it, yeah, you know.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Kelly.

Dad, can I talk to you
in private for a second?

Sure, sure.

Listen, see if you can come
up with somebody, will you?

So, what's up, babe?

Well, I know I was supposed
to have dinner

with you and Christine
on Friday night,

but I was just wondering
if we could change the plans?

You can't have dinner?

No, it's just that there's
this guy that I've been seeing

who's asked me out
for Friday night,

and I was just wondering

if maybe we could all
have dinner together.

You know, sort of
a double date.

You're kidding.

Not a good idea?

No, I think it's a great idea.
I mean, I'm flattered.

I mean, usually you never
want me to meet anybody

that, you know, you like.

Well, this guy I like a lot.

I want you to meet him.
Oh, that's great, Kelly.

I hope you like him.

I'm sure I will.

I mean, I just really feel good
that you want me to meet him.

I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, good. We'll see you
Friday night, then.

Oh, hey, I got
about a half-hour,

if you want to have lunch
or something.

Oh, well, Dauber already
got me something,

and he and Luther
are in the team...

Hey, hold on, let me check.

Yeah, they said it was okay.

Hayden, relax.
They'll be here.

Yeah, I know.
I just can't help it, Christine.

I'm so excited. I mean,
I'm actually double dating with my daughter.

Oh, I'm glad you're
looking forward to this.

Oh, yeah, this is gonna be
great, Christine, you know.

I mean, just the fact that Kelly
wants me to meet him, I mean,

shows that we're getting
closer, you know?

And I was thinking,
if tonight goes well,

maybe I'll ask this guy to go
fishing with me next weekend.

You know, just kind of do
a guy thing.

Well, that's fine,
but what if he doesn't like fishing?

We'll go hiking or bowling
or whatever.

I just want to show Kelly that
if he's good enough for her,

he's good enough for me.

I think you have a fan
headed this way.

What?

Oh, jeez.

Excuse me. I wonder if I
might have a word with you?

Riley... Christine Armstrong,

this is Riley Pringle,
the band director. Christine.

How do you do?
I'm sorry to intrude,

but he has me
at my wit's end.

So are we going to have an Eagle
tomorrow, or aren't we?

No, we're gonna have to
face the Wildcats

with just the team
and a band.

This school has never failed
to field a mascot

in all the years
I've been here,

and I do not intend to see that
streak come to an end tomorrow.

Christine,
do you want any bread?

RILEY: Very well.

You've made your bed,
now you're going to have to lie in it.

If you don't have someone
by game time tomorrow,

1 go to the dean.

Well, Riley, a man's gotta
do what a man's gotta do.

Then the die is cast.

(CLEARING THROAT)

I see our daiquiris
have arrived.

If you'll excuse me,
Miss Armstrong.

Good night,

pep killer.

What was that all about?

That kid that plays
the Screaming Eagle quit

because a couple of our players plowed
into him last week during the game.

Was it an accident?

No.

Oh, there they are.

Oh, great!

Hi, Dad.
Hey, Kelly.

Hi, Christine.
Hi, Kelly.

Well, everybody,
I'd like you to meet Stuart Rosebrock.

Stuart, this is my dad,
Hayden Fox.

How do you do?
Hey, great to meet you, son.

And this is Christine Armstrong.
Miss Armstrong.

Oh, pleasure to meet you, Stuart.
Please call me Christine.

Well, why don't
the two of you sit down?

Okay.

Sorry if we're a little late.

It's my fault.
I was late getting out of my last class.

No problem.

Boy, this is fun, isn't it?

We sure have been
looking forward to this.

So have we.

So, Stu, you ever
been here before?

No, I haven't.
It's very nice.

Oh, yeah, it is, isn't it?
Yeah, well.

I'm a regular here, you know.

They make a big fuss
over me, usually.

Hey, Coach.
Good to see you.

Oh, yeah. How you doing?

See what I mean?

Before you start,
would anybody like anything to drink?

I'd like a glass
of white wine.

Could I have a ginger ale?

And I think
I'll just have a beer.

I'll have a cup of herbal tea
with lemon and honey.

WAITER: I'll let you look at
the menus while I get these.

Thank you.

So tell us,
how did you two meet?

We met in mime class.

In what?
In mime class.

We were on opposite sides
of an imaginary wall.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Yeah, that's like, what?
Pantomime, right?

Yeah, yeah.

You can take that for credit?

It's a requirement.
In what?

Well, to get a degree
in Theater Arts.

So you're, like,
in the Drama Club, huh?

I'm a Theater Arts major, yes.

He's brilliant.

What's he doing there?

He was blushing.

Oh, I love that.

Just let go of it.

Oh, good. Tea.

Have you had a chance
to look at the menu?

No, we haven't, no.

They got great steaks here.

Unless you're
a prime rib man, Stu?

Oh, we're not eating
red meat, Dad.

Why not?
We're cleansing.

Oh. What are you
going to have, hon?

I thought
I'd have the halibut.

Great. Is the halibut clean?

Yes, it is.

All right, halibut for the
lady and New York strip for me.

Rare?
As you can get it.

Could we get two plates of the
steamed vegetables with brown rice?

Oh, I'm sorry,
we don't have brown rice.

How about some white rice
with gravy, huh?

We could just have
the salad bar.

Oh, good, good.
Let's have that.

Okay. Thank you.

What, you're just gonna have salad?
I mean, don't you want any food?

We're fine, Dad.

I don't want anybody going hungry.
Come on, this evening's on me, huh?

Well, Stu, now,

besides drama, do you have
any other interests?

I mean, do you
like fishing, Stu?

His name is Stuart, Dad.

What did I say?
You said "Stu."

What's the difference?

Well, if you call me "Stu,"

you take the "art"
out of my name.

Seriously?

Yes.

Well, I didn't mean
to offend anybody.

I'm sorry. I shorten everybody's name.
Don't I, Christine?

Usually.

But to answer your question,
yes, I do enjoy fishing.

Oh, great. Well, what do
you like to fish for?

Oh, the tranquility, mostly.

You can go
to the salad bar any time.

Well, should we go now,
or should we wait?

Let's go now.

We'll be right back.

So what do you think?

I hate him.

HAYDEN: You want
any coffee?

No, I'm afraid
it might keep me up.

Well, I'm gonna have some.

Then I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna just sit here and
I'm gonna "Stu" for awhile,

if you know what I mean.

I thought you might
wanna join me.

Hayden, will you drop it?
It's just a boyfriend.

This is the kind of guy
that Kelly likes.

I mean, did you
see them together?

Doing all that stuff
with their hands.

I was hoping the kind of guy
that Kelly liked

would be a guy that would
have a beer, you know.

I mean, a guy that
you could take fishing,

and you don't have to get into
all that tranquility crap.

I mean, a guy that would
just order a steak.

You mean a guy like you.

He doesn't have to be
a guy like me.

He could be a guy like...

Well, hey, what's wrong
with a guy like me?

I mean, I want him to be,
you know, solid.

He doesn't have to be
a jock or anything.

Just a good old solid, like,
a businessman or a doctor kind of guy.

Not some fellow that's gonna
spend the rest of his life

pretending he's trapped
in some bottle.

Hayden. Hayden,
Kelly is 18 years old.

Now, she may like
your kind of guy someday,

but right now, she needs
somebody she's comfortable with.

Kelly's sensitive,
she's artistic.

She needs to find someone
who shares her interests.

Why? We get along great.
We don't share any interests.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

Who's that?

Oh, see, it's Kelly.
Now what is she doing here?

Oh, I don't know, but I'll
tell you something, Hayden.

You better put on
your game face.

If you let Kelly know
how you're feeling,

you're going to end up in an
argument that's never going to end.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come on.

Hi, Kelly!
Hi, Dad. Hi, Christine.

Hi, Kelly. We're just heating some coffee.
You want some?

Oh, no, thanks.
I'm not gonna stay.

Where's Stuart?

You guys didn't break up
or anything, did you?

No. No, I just dropped him off.
We're meeting later.

I just stopped by
to get the verdict.

What verdict's that?

Well, how did you like him?

Stuart?

Liked him fine.

Didn't we?

No, really, Dad.
How did you like him?

I told you, I mean,
I thought he was a fine young man.

He was well-poised.
He had manners and everything.

I think we both liked him,
didn't we, Christine?

I liked him very much.

Did Dad like him?

I told you I liked him.

I want to hear Christine say
you liked him.

I know she'll be honest.

Kelly, what difference
does it make

what your father thought,
or what I thought?

What matters is
what you think.

So Stuart was right.
You hate him.

What?

Well, he said he was picking up very
negative vibes from you all evening.

What the hell
does that mean?

Come on, I was polite,
I paid for dinner.

Then we left the restaurant and he
pretended he was caught in that windstorm.

Come on, I smiled at that.

Well, where does he get off
saying I don't like him?

Well, he's sensitive and intelligent, Dad.
He picks up on these things.

So compared to Stu-art,
I'm stu-pid. Is that it?

I didn't say that!

Yeah, well, I was picking up on those
vibes, if you know...

Maybe I should just leave
the two of you alone.

Oh, no, no, no.
You're a part of this.

Look, Kelly, I really tried tonight.
I wanted to like the kid. I really did.

Christine can vouch for that.
Come on, do some vouching here, will you?

He did. He really did.

Yeah, you know, you take a kid
to the best steakhouse in town,

he ought to be more polite than
just to eat salad, you know?

I mean, that's not getting
with the program, Kelly.

Well, why does it always
have to be your program?

Why couldn't you do something
to reach out to Stuart?

I ate salad!

God!

Well, so you were willing
to like him

as long as he was everything
that you wanted him to be,

but as soon as he was an
individual, you weren't interested.

Well, I'll tell you, Dad,
I'm only interested in individuals.

And if you can't
meet me halfway, then I...

Then ...

Then what?

Then we shall not meet again!

Well, what the hell does
that mean?

HAYDEN: Do you know if Kelly is
coming to the game today or not?

Well, you're her roommate.
I thought you would know.

Look, hold it. Please, just take a message
and tell her that I called. All right?

Thank you. Thank you.

Jeez.

Hayden, team's ready
for the pep talk.

Yeah, yeah, I know.
Just give me a second here, will you, Luther?

Sure, take all the time
you need.

Kickoff's in 10 minutes.

I know that, Luther.

I know you know that.
I just wanted to remind you.

Yeah, I know you were.

I know that, too.

I'll be in here then.

Okay.

It's 10 minutes to kickoff
and you haven't found anyone

to fill these shoes.

I've done everything
a band director can do.

Now you'll just have to
face the music.

I'll see you in the dean's
office on Monday morning.

(BOTH SPUTTERING)

Hayden?

I am coming, Luther.
I know you are.

Coach Fox,
you got a minute?

Stuart, what are you
doing here?

I just wanted to know
if we could talk.

Well, this is a very,
very, very bad time.

I mean, I don't know if you passed
the stadium on your way in...

Yeah, I know there's a game going on and
all, but I think this is kind of important.

It's about Kelly and me
and you.

All right. All right, you got a minute.
But you're on the clock here, okay?

Well...

It's just that...

It's just that
I'm very fond of Kelly,

and I want to be
fond of you, too.

Well, why are you crying?

Because I feel things
very deeply.

Well, not in here, you don't.

Hayden? The guys are...

What's the matter?

It's Kelly's boyfriend. He's just upset.
He's afraid I don't like him.

You know, you...

Why don't you like him?

Come on, Luther, it's a long story.
Now, what do you want?

Well, what about the...
What about the pep talk?

I gotta cheer him up.
Could you handle the team?

I don't know.

Does anyone have a tissue?

Yeah, I guess,
I could get...

Oh, Luther! Come on.
I'll do it.

If you're gonna make people cry,
you shouldn't be giving pep talks anyway.

Here.

I'm sorry I couldn't
keep this inside.

My emotions are all
just on the surface.

Well, Stuart, what is
all this about, huh?

I don't want to come
between you and Kelly.

I just don't think there's any
reason why we can't be friends.

We're not as different
as you seem to think.

You know what? Maybe you're right.
I don't know.

You may have a point there.

I mean, I know I'm more open
with my feelings.

And I know that
you're more reserved.

But I think that's just because I'm
more in touch with my female side.

Your what?

Well, I believe that we all
have male and female sides.

In fact, I think that
women are only 51% female

and 49% male.

Conversely, I think that
men are 51% male

and 49% female.

Well, Stu, I don't know what
book you got that out of,

but I think I'm in the high
90s, babe, you know what I mean?

I'm just saying that, even though there
are a lot of differences between us,

I know it means a lot to Kelly
that we find some middle ground.

Yes, I know it does,
but I'm not sure how to do that, okay?

Neither am ll!

Oh!

Come on. Well, let's
think about it. I mean...

Stuart, Stuart, Stuart.
Come on, now, just follow me on this, okay?

Mmm-hmm.
I may have an idea here.

Now, you're in theater
and I'm in sports, okay?

Now, I may have thought of something
that we can bridge the gap between us.

How?

Well, how would you like to lead my
football team onto the field this afternoon?

How would I do that?

Now, just try that on
for size.

You want me to be
the Screaming Eagle?

Well, I think it could bring our worlds
together in a very, very big way.

You really mean this.

I really do.

Stuart, let's be friends.

Well, that's good.
See, I know what you're doing there.

Now you get out there
and you lead us on to victory.

Are there any other
special instructions?

Just keep
your back to the field

and stay close
to the sidelines.

Right.

Thanks, Coach.