Chuck (2007–2012): Season 2, Episode 2 - Chuck Versus the Seduction - full transcript
The team finds out the real part for the Intersect has been stolen. The team tracks down a legendary agent, who has had experience dealing with female spies. Chuck must learn the art of seduction.
CHUCK:
Hi, I'm Chuck.
Here are things
that you might need to know.
As the assistant manager
and your boss...
...it's my duty to inform you
that I've had complaints from customers.
General, what exactly is the Cipher?
The Cipher is the artificial brain
for the new Intersect computer.
GRAHAM:
Tomorrow, the new computer will be online.
Operation Bartowski
officially comes to an end.
Enjoy the rest of your life, Chuck.
You can do anything. I've seen you.
Anything you wanted you could have.
Do you wanna go on a date sometime?
Okay.
We have to call off the date.
The Intersect was destroyed.
What? But the Cipher--
SARAH:
It was a Trojan horse, a sabotage device.
The moment it came online....
You're still the only Intersect.
CHUCK:
I don't get it.
This time today,
I was supposed to be a free man.
No more Intersect,
possibly reclining on a beach...
...with a colada
and some undisclosed companion.
-What the hell happened?
-It's technical.
It's a computer malfunction.
I can help. That's my department.
It exploded into a million pieces,
Graham with it.
You wanna help?
Get some rubber gloves.
Wait, wait, wait. Graham is dead?
We're playing for keeps here, Chuck.
Well, at the risk of sounding callous,
where does that leave us with the Intersect?
I'd get used to working at the Buy More.
You ain't leaving anytime soon.
Gentlemen, females...
...as the new assistant manager...
...I just want you to know that things
are gonna run differently here.
Because we did our time together
in the trenches...
...I know what screwups most of you are,
for example, Jeffrey.
You spend the hours of 3 and 5
sleeping in the employee bathroom.
Dude, that was our secret.
Morgan, no more borrowing company DVDs
and then just reshrink-wrapping them.
What? That's outrageous, man.
I've never heard such a thing.
-I'm insulted that you would--
-Oh, but-- Oh, no.
Oh, okay. Okay, okay, company DVDs
you're saying, right.
Please call me Mr. Patel or boss,
or for our Latin friend, el jefe.
-Questions?
MORGAN: Uh, Chuck.
-When are we offering--?
-Hey, hey, hey.
All questions are address directly to me.
-El jefe.
LESTER: Thank you.
When are we offering
low-interest credit cards?
Ah, yes, yes, yes. When are we...?
CHUCK: Today.
-Today.
Morgan, get the displays out.
Any other questions?
Good. Dismissed.
I can't believe this is my life.
Morgan, do you remember a time
when I had potential?
You kidding me?
Yeah, you were bursting with it.
Man, I'm glad that's over with.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm kidding. Come on.
We all know that you're gonna go on
to do great things, all right? Great things.
But until that day, just know...
...that no matter how bad your life gets,
you get to go home to that.
Is that, uh, a real kiss or a cover kiss?
Because I'm confused right now.
A we-have-a-national-security-emergency
and-I-need-to-speak-to-you-privately kiss.
I knew I felt something.
Who's your mama?
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't we blow off this whole thing
and go to Mexico for a couple of days?
I'll get the daiquiris
if the CIA picks up the plane tickets.
Chuck, I told you, we can't be together.
It's unprofessional.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you
with Bryce Larkin, super spy...
...when you were together?
Bryce was a spy. You're an asset.
And my job is to protect you.
CHUCK:
Wait a minute. Why are we in a freezer?
All this to protect your toppings?
What the...? Hello.
This is new. What is this place?
The CIA decided to spring for new digs.
Finally, a first-rate operation.
Wow.
Looks expensive.
You guys are planning
on staying for a while?
-That depends on you, Chuck.
-How does it depend on me?
BECKMAN [OVER MONITOR]: Colt fed us
a Trojan horse that blew up the Intersect.
The real Cipher is still out there.
Our intel tells us
it may be in the possession...
...of the former KGB operative,
Sasha Banacheck.
We believe she's in town to sell it.
So why don't we grab her and find out?
Sasha Banacheck was in a Bulgarian prison
for seven years.
They got nothing out of her.
The good news is,
one agent was able to get close.
He's the reason she went away.
And he knows more about her
than anyone alive.
That agent is Roan Montgomery.
Crap. The guy hates me.
My supervisor in operative training.
Flunked me twice.
He's off the grid now. Use the Intersect
to find Agent Montgomery.
All right.
Guys, sounds like a blast, really.
Uh, but you can count me out
on this one.
No more dangling me off buildings.
No more guns being pointed at my head.
No more putting my life in danger.
I am going back to my peaceful, quiet,
albeit degrading life at the Buy More.
So have fun on the mission.
And really love what you've done
with the place.
Is there a problem with the asset?
No problem, general.
I have the situation under control.
Chuck, wait.
-Chuck, wait.
-Sarah, look.
You're right, okay? I'm not a real spy.
I'm not cut out
for this adrenaline pumping...
-...risk-life-and-limb daily existence.
-The sooner we get the Cipher...
...the sooner you can have
the Intersect removed.
You can be free to live whatever life
you choose with whomever you choose.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that you can have
everything that you've always wanted.
Let me see the file.
Wow. Okay.
Uh, the guy lives in Palm Springs
and he's got a lot of lady friends.
So, what's the deal with this Roan guy?
He's a legend in the department.
An incredible spy.
-Real old-school James Bond type.
-Overrated, if you ask me.
What was the class that you failed?
Infiltration and Inducement
of Enemy Personnel.
Yeah, at the academy,
we call it seduction school.
Yeah, like I need a class.
Wait, someone's already been here.
SARAH:
Yeah, and they ransacked the place.
Oh, my God.
Oh, um, maybe I should wait in the car.
I'm having nightmares
about the last few dead bodies.
[CHUCK GASPS]
[SNORING]
[TOILET FLUSHING]
WOMAN: I've got a flight to catch.
-Oh.
[GASPS]
CHUCK:
This is the guy that's supposed to help us?
I'm gonna be the Intersect forever.
DEVON:
Good morning, sunshine.
What do you say we hit the shower
for a quickie?
-Mm-hm.
-Sorry, Chuck.
You know what, it would be nice
if we had some romance on occasion.
I've got a good 42 minutes...
...before I have to perform
an emergency endotracheal intubation.
ELLIE:
Ha, ha, that's very funny.
Do you realize that you have not taken me
on one date since we've been engaged?
Took you out last week.
To Arby's
with Chuck and his little bearded friend.
It's not exactly every girl's dream.
No offense, Chuck.
None taken.
I guess I have been remiss
in the romance department.
What we need to be
is more like Chuck and Sarah.
-Excuse me?
-Every time you see her, your eyes light up.
How do you keep that spark alive?
[STAMMERING] I don't think
I should be getting involved--
What's the secret, bro?
We kind of just--
We pretend like we're not really dating.
Which is weird, I know.
But it forces me to have to win her over
again and again.
Aw.
-And again.
-That is so sweet.
Honey, see, all I'm talking about
is simply an evening of wining and dining.
I hear you, babe. Mission accepted.
The mission is the Cipher.
The brains of the Intercept,
the most important piece.
If Sasha Banacheck has a Cipher,
we've got 24 hours before she unloads it.
What's wrong?
Did you find Agent Montgomery?
We did. It's just he's having
a bit of trouble remaining upright.
We tried everything: water, aspirin.
The guy's out.
If we want Sasha Banacheck,
it's up to us.
ROAN:
G-man, G-man, G-man. Hello, Giorgio.
Thanks, Casey.
I suggest going old school.
Torture it out of her.
ROAN:
Torture will never work.
Hello, Diane.
Hello, Roan.
The only way to get Sasha Banacheck
is to seduce her.
Well, duty calls.
Not you, Agent Frankenstein,
she'll peg you as CIA.
We need somebody innocuous...
...someone with whom
she can let her guard down.
Essentially, the last person in the world
she'd ever suspect of being an agent.
Charles, I'd like to have these
Nerd Herd invoices logged today.
Uh, Lester, these are all from your jobs.
Correct. During your brief tenure
as the assistant manager...
...you should've had me deal with it.
Now I have to clean up your mess.
Come on, brother.
Time for you to show me something.
Let's go, lover boy.
I need your services in a romantic capacity.
Oh, I'm flattered.
I just hope Sarah's involved.
So your date tonight
will be with Sasha Banacheck.
I'm sorry, what?
Previously-tortured-in-a-Bulgarian-prison
Sasha Banacheck?
Casey and I will be there for cover.
Just approach her at the bar
and get her to invite you up...
...and see if you flash on anything
in her room.
One small problem.
Why is she gonna choose me?
ROAN: Because you're not going to be you,
you're going to be me.
I'll teach you
everything you need to know.
First, the proper way to drink a martini.
Hold by stem. Nod to mark.
Slowly tilt back.
A moment to learn, a lifetime to perfect.
Let's get to work.
CHUCK:
Whoa.
-Come on.
-His liver must look like camouflage.
Hey, Morgan, you seen Chuck?
He, uh, left early. Why? What's up?
I wanna see if he can
make himself scarce tonight.
Planning a romantic evening
with my lady.
Really? Check you out, you big softie.
What's on the agenda,
if I may be so bold?
Not sure. I may pick up some flowers,
some candles, vino.
-Feed each other some jumbo shrimp.
-Oh.
[CHUCKLES]
-You know about Ellie and shrimp, right?
-No, what?
MORGAN:
Famous Nantucket trip of '92.
Spent days curled up
on a bathroom floor.
For years, she couldn't go near a beach
without vomiting.
What else you got?
-Her favorite dessert, pecan pie.
-Okay, she likes pecan pie.
Not her stuck-on-a-desert-island
all-time favorite, but she likes it.
Morgan, ha, ha, I know my fiancée.
Really? How long have you been in love
with Ellie for? Three years?
DEVON: Give or take.
-Ha, ha.
Take a walk for a second.
I have dedicated myself
to the study of that woman for 19 years.
I hate to pull rank here,
but I think I know Ellie better than you.
All right? For example, for example, what
is Ellie's favorite song of eighth grade?
Ha, ha. Why eighth grade?
Oh, man, you don't know. That's okay.
You came to the right place, all right?
We are gonna set her off.
You're not gonna wear that shirt, right?
I need to see what I'm dealing with.
Assume your partner is the mark.
How would you seduce her?
That's an excellent question.
I would probably start
with the, uh, bedroom eyes, maybe.
You know,
the old Bartowski eyebrow dance.
And come in at you like this, you know.
-And then I'd start firing the guns at you.
-Ha, ha.
Don't encourage him.
This isn't happy hour at Chili's.
This is Sasha Banacheck.
I don't know. I would probably--
You know, I'd be myself
and I'd try and make her laugh a little bit.
Find a common cultural interest. Music.
Be yourself?
Do you think a woman like this
could ever fall for a guy like you?
CHUCK:
I don't know.
Barring any national security emergency,
I think I might have a shot.
Be reasonable. This is a gorgeous
and sophisticated woman.
-And you're--
-Passionate and sweet and caring.
Really?
Tall, dark and caring. What a combo.
SARAH: I didn't mean it like that.
He has a lot to offer.
Fine. Let me see this caged passion.
-Kiss him.
-Excuse me?
I don't think that's necessary
at this particular juncture right now, Roan.
I'm solid as a rock in that department.
What's wrong?
Don't you find Agent Walker attractive?
Of course I find her attractive.
It's just that I had a burrito earlier,
and I'm trying to be respectful.
While I admire your chivalry,
if you can't kiss her now...
...what makes you think
you're gonna kiss Sasha Banacheck...
...when the entire mission is on the line?
-Chuck, it's okay.
-Really?
Yes. Yes.
-There.
-Have you had intercourse before?
You know what? You're crazy.
This is crazy.
I don't have to take lessons.
Maybe I picked the wrong agent.
I'll get Agent Casey.
-You want me to kiss her?
-Desperately.
Fine.
[CHUCK CLEARS THROAT]
Bravo.
I'd better fix my lipstick. Excuse me.
Sure.
That wasn't the first time
that's happened.
What? No.
No, we're totally professional.
-We work together.
-Don't worry, Charles.
I'll teach you how to get her too.
But first, we're gonna need more gin.
We're dead.
Okay. You make sure his mike works.
I'll go load up the weapons.
CHUCK:
Oh, it may not be the steamiest...
...but we probably have the strangest
relationship in Los Angeles.
I doubt that. Morgan's still dating, right?
Good point.
Tonight will be fine.
I wouldn't take Roan's advice
too seriously. Just be yourself.
I doubt Chuck Bartowski's
gonna be charming anyone.
Why not? Worked on me.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
-We need to talk about protection.
-I don't think it's gonna get that far.
I mean a gun.
Why do you think she's known
as the Black Widow?
She's African American
and her husband died.
Because she kills all her mates.
Big Mike. Hey.
Uh, you wanted to see me?
First, I'm digging the new vest.
Oh, ha, ha, thank you.
Next, why aren't
my credit-card displays out?
Yeah, I've told Morgan three times, sir.
But don't worry, I am on it.
-They ain't listening to you.
-It's just a matter of time, sir.
The problem is, they don't fear you.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right,
they don't, they don't.
How do I get them to fear me?
Don't you watch Animal Planet?
Find the wounded gazelle and pounce.
Thus endeth the lesson.
If he survives the night,
it will be a miracle.
SARAH [OVER MIKE]: Shh. He can hear you.
-Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Don't be nervous, Chuck.
We'll be watching you.
I'm gonna walk you through the famous
four-pronged Montgomery attack.
First, work the room.
When you enter a room,
every eye should be upon you.
You could leave the bar
with any woman you desire...
...but you have chosen her.
Easy, Chuck, you're doing great.
Next, she'll need to be well-lubricated.
Ice-cold dirty martini.
Three olives.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
I'll take that as no.
Charles Carmichael. And you are?
-Bored.
-Well, maybe I can change that.
-Garçon.
MAN: May I help you?
CHUCK: Yes, sir.
Please, two ice-cold dirty martinis.
Three olives. Thank you.
SASHA:
That's very nice.
But I no longer drink.
Doesn't drink? That's--
I'm sorry. How is this boy
supposed to seduce her without alcohol?
Don't worry, Chuck. It'll be fine.
I should probably cut back too.
A lot of calories in those martinis.
Enjoy your martinis, Mr. Carmichael.
SARAH:
It's okay. Don't get discouraged.
ROAN:
That was just round one.
You're calm, confident, charming.
Yeah, apparently not.
She left after 12 seconds.
You're still alive, aren't you?
That's a victory.
Okay, Chuck. Here we go.
A woman wants a man to take control.
Even though she won't say it,
she wants to be rescued.
Actually, that's not true, Chuck.
Some women prefer a man
who can take a back seat.
-I'm talking about the Black Widow.
-So am I.
Maybe he doesn't need
to pretend to be someone else.
I promise you, Chuck Bartowski
on his own can seduce this woman.
I appreciate all of that,
but can we focus on the mission?
Yes, Charles. All right, the third prong.
The woman is an absolute Francophile.
Just the mention of Saint-Tropez
makes her woozy.
I hate to keep bothering you,
but you look so familiar.
Perhaps we met in Saint-Tropez.
At the Intercontinental.
At the Intercontinental.
Antoine the piano player
is best in Europe, don't you agree?
Oh, I'm a big, big fan of Antoine's.
Wouldn't miss him for the world.
Antoine has been dead for six years.
Aw, poor Antoine. That's tragic.
That is a shame. No one ever called.
But you prefer the new piano player,
Marcel.
For my money, though, I prefer Marcel.
Better solos, longer jams,
just more of an accomplished pianist.
But maybe that's just me.
I have to agree.
Barkeep, a refill for the lady, please.
To Antoine.
May he rest in peace.
Are you prepared for an evening
of intense seduction?
Can't wait.
This is very sweet. What did you do?
Patience, babe.
First, some tunes.
I'm taking it old school.
Does the eighth grade lunchroom
ring any bells?
That's right.
Richard Marx, Repeat Offender.
["RIGHT HERE WAITING"
PLAYS OVER SPEAKER]
-Ha, ha.
-Okay.
Next, a little something
for the sweet tooth.
Your favorite dessert.
Seriously, babe,
what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
-I guess we'll find that out later. Ha, ha.
-Not much.
And finally,
for the evening's entertainment...
...your favorite all-time movie.
-Casablanca.
-No.
Sister Act.
Honey, why,
out of all the movies in the world...
...would SisterAct be my favorite?
Morgan said he sat behind you
in the theater and you were hysterical.
I have no recollection of that.
You consulted Morgan
for an evening of intense seduction?
Technically, he has known you longer.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. You know what?
Just for future reference,
my favorite dessert is pecan pie.
Well, that's what I said.
Hey, wait, where you going?
I have to be up at 5 a.m.
-What about our date?
-Well, why don't you call Morgan?
Since evidently you planned
his favorite evening. Okay?
That furry little bastard.
So how long have you
and Charles been cavorting?
You mean, how long
have we been working together?
Don't play coy.
You have feelings for him.
I mean, real, non-spy emotions.
Don't be ridiculous. What, because
I'm protective of him as an asset?
No. The way you kissed him.
-I think you've had too much to drink.
-No such thing.
BOTH:
Oh.
That's real professional.
Look at what you did.
I know. That's expensive gin.
[LAUGHS]
Itchy ear there.
So actually, it was invented
by, uh, a Hungarian baker...
...to commemorate the defeat
of the Turks.
And that is the true history
behind the croissant.
Ha, ha.
That's just a little pastry trivia for you.
You are a fountain of information,
Mr. Carmichael.
-Well....
-Ha, ha.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Mm?
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
And what bands are you into?
If you'd just admit I'm right,
we could move on.
Anything you perceived as me
wanting him to think I like him.
I assure you,
I have no feelings for Chuck.
He is just an asset.
Okay, we're back up. Can you hear us?
Good night, Mr. Carmichael.
Mission failed.
Black Widow's on the move.
Great. You know, I hope you're happy.
I told you, he's an analyst, not a spy.
Way to go, Casanova. You're gonna have
the Intersect in your head forever.
Okay, everybody, let's pack it up.
Roan, what is the fourth prong
of the famous assault?
ROAN:
The mission's over. It's too dangerous.
-You're not ready for this.
-I'm ready. What is it?
ROAN:
Be a bastard.
CHUCK:
When you say "bastard," you mean--?
-I mean not you, Chuck.
CHUCK: All right.
ROAN: Sensitive, caring,
sweet, be everything you're not.
Be Carmichael.
[SIGHS]
-Hey, missy.
ROAN: Don't call her missy.
Yes, Mr. Carmichael?
I just wanna tell you you're a fool.
-Excuse me?
-No, I don't think I will.
So you're heading up to your room
to get ready for bed.
Floss, creams, maybe watch a little TV.
Just before you drift off to sleep...
...you're going to have one final,
terrifying thought.
Really? What's that?
That you passed up an evening
with the greatest lover you'll ever know.
And who might that be?
Oh, you're looking at him, sister.
A man trained in the art of seduction,
who has traveled the world...
...sampling women
of every culture and creed.
I will offer one final time
before boarding my jet...
...to an undisclosed rendezvous,
of which I am already late.
Can I buy you a club soda?
No, thank you.
Okay, I just thought I'd ask. Good night.
But you can take me up to my room
and make mad, passionate sex to me.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
I've still got it.
SASHA:
Make yourself a drink, Mr. Carmichael.
I'm going to slip into something...
...a little bit more comfortable.
Yeah, you do that. Take your time, doll.
I'll just, uh, be here.
Where the hell are you guys?
You worked too quick, stallion.
We didn't have time to set up.
It's okay, Chuck. We're on our way.
Did you flash on anything?
Abort mission,
abort mission, abort mission.
Gentlemen. Can you secure this area?
Miss Banacheck and I
are gonna need some privacy.
If the hotel room is rocking,
then we're probably having sex.
Get me out of here.
Don't worry. Roan Montgomery
will get you out of this.
I've been in worse situations. Did I ever
tell you about the time in Thailand...
...with the king's daughter
on the palace roof?
No, you failed to mention it.
How do I get out of here right now?
I want you to go out on the balcony.
Okay, now what?
I want you to take a bed sheet,
tie it around your waist...
...climb up on the railing
and leap off the ledge.
Are you out of your mind?
I'm not a real spy.
I don't leap.
Oh, there you are.
It's a little chilly out there, hmm?
No, not at all.
No, it's quite pleasant tonight.
-Mm-hm.
-Oh.
Come on. Why so shy, hmm?
Well, uh, um....
Uh, well, because we just kind of met
and kind of seeing someone right now.
I'm going to do things to you...
...you never, never,
never dreamed possible.
Well, I have a very vivid imagination.
Hello, Roan.
You shouldn't have sent a boy
to do a man's job.
[GUN COCKS]
Get out of there, now.
No, no, wait. Why would you--?
Oh, my God, that's a huge knife.
Look, you don't wanna do this.
-I'm a young guy.
SASHA: Don't beg for you life.
You have nothing to offer.
Well, I have this.
[GASPS]
Roan, how did Thailand work again?
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Roan?
Roan.
[GUN COCKS]
-Wow.
-Happy anniversary, honey.
[GRUNTS THEN WOMAN SCREAMS]
-Pervert.
-No.
[SCREAMING]
To a night of infinite possibilities.
Sorry to interrupt. Enjoy your night.
Sarah, tell me you saw that.
Leaped from the balcony.
Lands with a flourish.
The Russian judge gives it a 9.4.
By the way,
I have a little thing called the Cipher.
Yes, Mr. Carmichael. I'm very interested.
There could be more.
We need to get out of here.
If you ever want to see
your fellow agents alive again...
...meet me tomorrow with the Cipher.
6th and Alameda, 10 p.m.
Come alone.
Roan? Roan?
WOMAN 1:
Why are we here so late?
If you're not gonna respect me, hmm...
...you will fear me.
May I present...
...the wheel of misfortune.
We had a version of one of these
in my home when I was growing up.
It is very effective.
Now, my pretty, pretty staff...
...I shall choose one of you
to christen the wheel.
Mr. Grimes.
-He's not spinning.
-Uh, hold on a second, baby.
-I'll spin.
-Mm-hm.
I got this.
It's all good, guys.
Oh.
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
That's just my luck.
You can't fire him.
Anna, it's not me.
The wheel has spoken.
-It's out of my hands.
-Fine.
If he's fired, I quit.
WOMAN 2: Yeah.
-That's your choice, then.
-If Anna leaves, I have to follow my heart.
-What?
I told you, you've got no shot.
Jeffrey. Jeffrey, stay here.
Without Jeff, this place blows.
What?
Okay, fine, fine. Go.
Go! Who needs you?
You're all fired. You're all fired.
Do I have your attention now?
Do I have your attention now?
You know, she's going to kill them.
I guess I'm just gonna have to take
my chances.
But I can't save them alone.
I need your help, Roan.
They knew what they were getting into.
That's the game we play.
If you show up, there will be
three dead agents instead of just two.
What, so that's it?
What happened to being
the world's greatest spy?
That was a long time ago.
Roan Montgomery
is not the man you see before you.
My life may be boring and cowardly,
but I'm alive.
That's more than most
in my line of work can claim.
But you're a legend, Roan.
Don't you understand that?
So how can you just sit there
and watch them die?
Because I'm not in love
with one of the agents.
I'm not....
I care about them.
I care about both of them.
Besides, we heard what she said, okay?
To her, I'm just an asset.
No, you're not.
Trust me.
The lady doth protest too much.
But, Charles, you have to ask yourself...
...is she worth dying for?
Yes.
[ROAN SIGHS]
Poor boy.
Lesson number one on being a spy:
Never fall in love.
Well, then I guess I'm not much of a spy.
And you're not much of a legend.
Listen to me.
I'm trying to reach General Beckman.
My name is Chuck Bartowski.
I'm not listed? Look, I'm a spy, all right?
Try my alias, Charles Carmichael.
I'm trying to contact General Beckman.
I need to speak with her before tonight.
Just have General Beckman call me as soon
as possible, all right? It's an emergency.
Morning.
Oh, hey, Chuck.
-What's going on?
-Some trouble on the home front.
I totally screwed up.
Went to Morgan for romance advice.
Yeah, that's, uh,
that's never a great policy.
No. I've gotta do something
to make this up to your sis.
-What are you thinking about doing?
-What I should've done last night.
Cover this place in rose petals...
...roaring fire,
simple candlelit dinner, pecan pie.
Maybe give her a foot massage
in the tub.
That's a natural place, I think,
to stop giving me details.
-So why don't you?
-Well, when, you know?
I've gotta be at work in, like, 20 minutes.
Got a 5 a.m. call tomorrow.
I'll do it. I just hope I'm not too late.
-Charles.
-Where is everybody?
-Oh, you mean your coworkers?
-Sure.
We had a little disagreement.
Some things needed to be done.
I fired the majority of the staff.
-You what?
LESTER: Mm-hm.
[GROANS]
I'm dead. When Big Mike gets here,
there's no one in the store.
He's gonna fire me. Help me, man.
-How?
-Ask them to come back to work.
-Why don't you ask them?
-Then they won't fear me.
Michael. So nice to see you, sir.
Gentlemen.
-Something amiss, Patel?
-Um, Morgan's on an errand.
-Anna's in the stockroom.
-I mean your vest.
Oh, yeah. It's in my locker.
I was gonna change right now.
-And the managers-only doughnuts?
-They're on your desk, sir.
Tight ship you're running, Patel.
Gentlemen.
Maybe he won't ever notice.
Depends on how long it takes him
to eat a box of doughnuts.
[MOUTHING]
Oh, yeah.
Thank you for coming.
What I didn't mention last night
was that everybody gets one practice spin.
So in all fairness, I gotta give
Morgan here another shot, okay?
Here we go. Come on now.
No one is spinning the wheel.
You want us back, you're gonna have
to make some changes around here.
WOMAN:
Uh-huh.
Okay, okay. Ha, ha.
Labor negotiations are part
of the process. Thoughts, musings?
-We want two-hour lunch breaks.
-No way.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, you got it.
You drive a hard bargain.
-Ha, ha, what else?
-Unlimited bathroom time...
...for both resting and relaxation.
-Mm, done.
-And you spin the wheel.
Anna, Anna,
I don't think that's necessary.
We were doing well here.
I don't think that I--
Live by the sword, die by the sword.
Ha, ha.
You don't even know what that means.
ANNA:
Yeah, diaper-station duty.
MORGAN:
Baby needs wipe. Baby needs wipe.
Nice. Nicely done.
-You can go and bring that up to the front.
-Oh, thank you.
Mr. Bartowski.
Lovely cover they've got you working.
Perhaps you would like to elaborate on
what you meant last night by "legend."
I meant what I said.
You were great once.
Are you here to help or just browsing?
I suppose that depends
on what your plan is for tonight.
My plan is to show up
at the meeting spot...
...and exchange the Cipher
for Casey and Sarah.
You're determined to risk your life
for these people?
-They'd do it for me.
-We should revise your plan.
Come up with something
that doesn't get us all killed.
I'm open to that.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
I have a package for Sasha Banacheck.
You need to sign.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
CHUCK [OVER PHONE]:
Here's how this is gonna go down.
Want the Cipher, you play by my rules.
Meet me at 9000 Burbank Boulevard
and bring the hostages.
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]
It's her.
Answer it.
Hello?
Oh, sorry, yeah.
You're just gonna wanna take the 5 north.
That's probably the easiest.
Burbank Boulevard exit.
Make a left at the light.
Sorry. You can find it.
CHUCK [OVER TV]:
Greetings.
I see you found your way.
Hope traffic wasn't too bad.
As you can see, I have the Cipher.
Once my friends are safely out of the store,
I'll tell you where to find it.
It's been a pleasure working with you.
I wish you luck in all your future endeavors.
Remember, we'll always have Paris.
[SCREAMS]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh. Oh.
[SCREAMS]
[BANGING ON DOOR]
Well, now that your savior
is trapped with the Cipher...
...I no longer need hostages.
-So goodbye.
-I wouldn't do that if I were you.
-Roan.
-Hello, Sasha.
[GASPS]
I should have killed you years ago.
Yes, probably.
Would you please drop your guns?
-Who the hell is that?
-That is Roan Montgomery.
[SCREAMS]
Stand back, Roan.
Or I'll kill her.
No, no, no.
ROAN [OVER MIKE]: Where are you?
-I'm on the roof.
-Charles, remember Thailand?
-This is not time for one of your stories.
-Remember Thailand.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were on the palace roof
and you tied a bed sheet--
No, no, no.
Charles, it's time to be a spy.
I'm not. I'm not a spy.
[SARAH GRUNTS]
SASHA: Bring me the Cipher right now
or I'll kill her.
I guess you gotta die sometime.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
It'd just be nice if it wasn't today.
[SCREAMS]
Sarah!
SARAH:
Chuck.
Chuck. Are you okay?
I'm fine. I'm fine. How are you?
I'm fine.
Now that's what I call a spy.
I ain't new.
BECKMAN [OVER MONITOR]:
Excellent work, team. Thanks.
We have the Cipher.
General, Chuck was invaluable
on this mission.
He also risked his life
several times to save ours.
BECKMAN:
Your country thanks you, Chuck.
Hopefully, we can now rebuild the Intersect
and this nightmare can be over for you.
Have a nice day.
Wait. Actually, while I appreciate
all of your kind words...
...if we're going to continue
to coexist happily...
...I think that the government needs
to start pulling their weight around here.
What did you have in mind, Chuck?
DEVON:
Ellie, I just wanna apologize again.
I know I may seem like Mr. Smooth...
...but the truth is,
I don't have a million moves.
All I know is I love you.
I don't need moves, Devon.
Just the fact that you're trying
is enough.
Is that pecan pie?
I can't believe I fell for that. You're the
sweetest man in the whole world.
[CHUCKLES]
No biggie, babe.
Well, be sure and thank the CIA for me.
Our pleasure.
I suppose I should thank you
for saving my life.
Oh, you've done it for me a time or two.
I'm probably still in debt.
I have to admit,
that was pretty impressive.
Right? I mean, come on.
I know I'm just an asset.
But between the two of us...
...I mean, have you ever seen anyone
do something like that before?
I think it's safe to say, Chuck...
...that I've never seen
anyone quite like you.
ROAN: Well, Agent Casey,
thanks for the accommodations.
Agent Montgomery.
The reason I failed you twice...
...was that your partner at the time
was too pretty to pass.
Should have failed her a few more times.
Should have known.
Adieu, Agent Walker.
It was a real pleasure,
Agent Montgomery.
Well, I'll, um-- I'll see you later, Chuck.
ROAN:
Ah.
Let her go.
A great man once said it will give her
the illusion of being pursued.
-You trust me?
-Yeah.
Good. Do you own a white dinner jacket?
-No.
-Rent one.
Tonight you will show up
with a bottle of Château Margaux...
...the dinner jacket
and a single red rose...
...known in several countries
as the Montgomery.
[PHONE RINGS]
-Goodbye, Charles.
-Goodbye, Roan.
Hello, Diane.
Yeah, on my way to the airport.
Should be in Dallas by the morning.
SARAH:
Chuck.
Hi.
-Um....
-Hello, Chuck.
CHUCK: Bryce?
-Miss me?
[ENGLISH SDH]
Hi, I'm Chuck.
Here are things
that you might need to know.
As the assistant manager
and your boss...
...it's my duty to inform you
that I've had complaints from customers.
General, what exactly is the Cipher?
The Cipher is the artificial brain
for the new Intersect computer.
GRAHAM:
Tomorrow, the new computer will be online.
Operation Bartowski
officially comes to an end.
Enjoy the rest of your life, Chuck.
You can do anything. I've seen you.
Anything you wanted you could have.
Do you wanna go on a date sometime?
Okay.
We have to call off the date.
The Intersect was destroyed.
What? But the Cipher--
SARAH:
It was a Trojan horse, a sabotage device.
The moment it came online....
You're still the only Intersect.
CHUCK:
I don't get it.
This time today,
I was supposed to be a free man.
No more Intersect,
possibly reclining on a beach...
...with a colada
and some undisclosed companion.
-What the hell happened?
-It's technical.
It's a computer malfunction.
I can help. That's my department.
It exploded into a million pieces,
Graham with it.
You wanna help?
Get some rubber gloves.
Wait, wait, wait. Graham is dead?
We're playing for keeps here, Chuck.
Well, at the risk of sounding callous,
where does that leave us with the Intersect?
I'd get used to working at the Buy More.
You ain't leaving anytime soon.
Gentlemen, females...
...as the new assistant manager...
...I just want you to know that things
are gonna run differently here.
Because we did our time together
in the trenches...
...I know what screwups most of you are,
for example, Jeffrey.
You spend the hours of 3 and 5
sleeping in the employee bathroom.
Dude, that was our secret.
Morgan, no more borrowing company DVDs
and then just reshrink-wrapping them.
What? That's outrageous, man.
I've never heard such a thing.
-I'm insulted that you would--
-Oh, but-- Oh, no.
Oh, okay. Okay, okay, company DVDs
you're saying, right.
Please call me Mr. Patel or boss,
or for our Latin friend, el jefe.
-Questions?
MORGAN: Uh, Chuck.
-When are we offering--?
-Hey, hey, hey.
All questions are address directly to me.
-El jefe.
LESTER: Thank you.
When are we offering
low-interest credit cards?
Ah, yes, yes, yes. When are we...?
CHUCK: Today.
-Today.
Morgan, get the displays out.
Any other questions?
Good. Dismissed.
I can't believe this is my life.
Morgan, do you remember a time
when I had potential?
You kidding me?
Yeah, you were bursting with it.
Man, I'm glad that's over with.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm kidding. Come on.
We all know that you're gonna go on
to do great things, all right? Great things.
But until that day, just know...
...that no matter how bad your life gets,
you get to go home to that.
Is that, uh, a real kiss or a cover kiss?
Because I'm confused right now.
A we-have-a-national-security-emergency
and-I-need-to-speak-to-you-privately kiss.
I knew I felt something.
Who's your mama?
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't we blow off this whole thing
and go to Mexico for a couple of days?
I'll get the daiquiris
if the CIA picks up the plane tickets.
Chuck, I told you, we can't be together.
It's unprofessional.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you
with Bryce Larkin, super spy...
...when you were together?
Bryce was a spy. You're an asset.
And my job is to protect you.
CHUCK:
Wait a minute. Why are we in a freezer?
All this to protect your toppings?
What the...? Hello.
This is new. What is this place?
The CIA decided to spring for new digs.
Finally, a first-rate operation.
Wow.
Looks expensive.
You guys are planning
on staying for a while?
-That depends on you, Chuck.
-How does it depend on me?
BECKMAN [OVER MONITOR]: Colt fed us
a Trojan horse that blew up the Intersect.
The real Cipher is still out there.
Our intel tells us
it may be in the possession...
...of the former KGB operative,
Sasha Banacheck.
We believe she's in town to sell it.
So why don't we grab her and find out?
Sasha Banacheck was in a Bulgarian prison
for seven years.
They got nothing out of her.
The good news is,
one agent was able to get close.
He's the reason she went away.
And he knows more about her
than anyone alive.
That agent is Roan Montgomery.
Crap. The guy hates me.
My supervisor in operative training.
Flunked me twice.
He's off the grid now. Use the Intersect
to find Agent Montgomery.
All right.
Guys, sounds like a blast, really.
Uh, but you can count me out
on this one.
No more dangling me off buildings.
No more guns being pointed at my head.
No more putting my life in danger.
I am going back to my peaceful, quiet,
albeit degrading life at the Buy More.
So have fun on the mission.
And really love what you've done
with the place.
Is there a problem with the asset?
No problem, general.
I have the situation under control.
Chuck, wait.
-Chuck, wait.
-Sarah, look.
You're right, okay? I'm not a real spy.
I'm not cut out
for this adrenaline pumping...
-...risk-life-and-limb daily existence.
-The sooner we get the Cipher...
...the sooner you can have
the Intersect removed.
You can be free to live whatever life
you choose with whomever you choose.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that you can have
everything that you've always wanted.
Let me see the file.
Wow. Okay.
Uh, the guy lives in Palm Springs
and he's got a lot of lady friends.
So, what's the deal with this Roan guy?
He's a legend in the department.
An incredible spy.
-Real old-school James Bond type.
-Overrated, if you ask me.
What was the class that you failed?
Infiltration and Inducement
of Enemy Personnel.
Yeah, at the academy,
we call it seduction school.
Yeah, like I need a class.
Wait, someone's already been here.
SARAH:
Yeah, and they ransacked the place.
Oh, my God.
Oh, um, maybe I should wait in the car.
I'm having nightmares
about the last few dead bodies.
[CHUCK GASPS]
[SNORING]
[TOILET FLUSHING]
WOMAN: I've got a flight to catch.
-Oh.
[GASPS]
CHUCK:
This is the guy that's supposed to help us?
I'm gonna be the Intersect forever.
DEVON:
Good morning, sunshine.
What do you say we hit the shower
for a quickie?
-Mm-hm.
-Sorry, Chuck.
You know what, it would be nice
if we had some romance on occasion.
I've got a good 42 minutes...
...before I have to perform
an emergency endotracheal intubation.
ELLIE:
Ha, ha, that's very funny.
Do you realize that you have not taken me
on one date since we've been engaged?
Took you out last week.
To Arby's
with Chuck and his little bearded friend.
It's not exactly every girl's dream.
No offense, Chuck.
None taken.
I guess I have been remiss
in the romance department.
What we need to be
is more like Chuck and Sarah.
-Excuse me?
-Every time you see her, your eyes light up.
How do you keep that spark alive?
[STAMMERING] I don't think
I should be getting involved--
What's the secret, bro?
We kind of just--
We pretend like we're not really dating.
Which is weird, I know.
But it forces me to have to win her over
again and again.
Aw.
-And again.
-That is so sweet.
Honey, see, all I'm talking about
is simply an evening of wining and dining.
I hear you, babe. Mission accepted.
The mission is the Cipher.
The brains of the Intercept,
the most important piece.
If Sasha Banacheck has a Cipher,
we've got 24 hours before she unloads it.
What's wrong?
Did you find Agent Montgomery?
We did. It's just he's having
a bit of trouble remaining upright.
We tried everything: water, aspirin.
The guy's out.
If we want Sasha Banacheck,
it's up to us.
ROAN:
G-man, G-man, G-man. Hello, Giorgio.
Thanks, Casey.
I suggest going old school.
Torture it out of her.
ROAN:
Torture will never work.
Hello, Diane.
Hello, Roan.
The only way to get Sasha Banacheck
is to seduce her.
Well, duty calls.
Not you, Agent Frankenstein,
she'll peg you as CIA.
We need somebody innocuous...
...someone with whom
she can let her guard down.
Essentially, the last person in the world
she'd ever suspect of being an agent.
Charles, I'd like to have these
Nerd Herd invoices logged today.
Uh, Lester, these are all from your jobs.
Correct. During your brief tenure
as the assistant manager...
...you should've had me deal with it.
Now I have to clean up your mess.
Come on, brother.
Time for you to show me something.
Let's go, lover boy.
I need your services in a romantic capacity.
Oh, I'm flattered.
I just hope Sarah's involved.
So your date tonight
will be with Sasha Banacheck.
I'm sorry, what?
Previously-tortured-in-a-Bulgarian-prison
Sasha Banacheck?
Casey and I will be there for cover.
Just approach her at the bar
and get her to invite you up...
...and see if you flash on anything
in her room.
One small problem.
Why is she gonna choose me?
ROAN: Because you're not going to be you,
you're going to be me.
I'll teach you
everything you need to know.
First, the proper way to drink a martini.
Hold by stem. Nod to mark.
Slowly tilt back.
A moment to learn, a lifetime to perfect.
Let's get to work.
CHUCK:
Whoa.
-Come on.
-His liver must look like camouflage.
Hey, Morgan, you seen Chuck?
He, uh, left early. Why? What's up?
I wanna see if he can
make himself scarce tonight.
Planning a romantic evening
with my lady.
Really? Check you out, you big softie.
What's on the agenda,
if I may be so bold?
Not sure. I may pick up some flowers,
some candles, vino.
-Feed each other some jumbo shrimp.
-Oh.
[CHUCKLES]
-You know about Ellie and shrimp, right?
-No, what?
MORGAN:
Famous Nantucket trip of '92.
Spent days curled up
on a bathroom floor.
For years, she couldn't go near a beach
without vomiting.
What else you got?
-Her favorite dessert, pecan pie.
-Okay, she likes pecan pie.
Not her stuck-on-a-desert-island
all-time favorite, but she likes it.
Morgan, ha, ha, I know my fiancée.
Really? How long have you been in love
with Ellie for? Three years?
DEVON: Give or take.
-Ha, ha.
Take a walk for a second.
I have dedicated myself
to the study of that woman for 19 years.
I hate to pull rank here,
but I think I know Ellie better than you.
All right? For example, for example, what
is Ellie's favorite song of eighth grade?
Ha, ha. Why eighth grade?
Oh, man, you don't know. That's okay.
You came to the right place, all right?
We are gonna set her off.
You're not gonna wear that shirt, right?
I need to see what I'm dealing with.
Assume your partner is the mark.
How would you seduce her?
That's an excellent question.
I would probably start
with the, uh, bedroom eyes, maybe.
You know,
the old Bartowski eyebrow dance.
And come in at you like this, you know.
-And then I'd start firing the guns at you.
-Ha, ha.
Don't encourage him.
This isn't happy hour at Chili's.
This is Sasha Banacheck.
I don't know. I would probably--
You know, I'd be myself
and I'd try and make her laugh a little bit.
Find a common cultural interest. Music.
Be yourself?
Do you think a woman like this
could ever fall for a guy like you?
CHUCK:
I don't know.
Barring any national security emergency,
I think I might have a shot.
Be reasonable. This is a gorgeous
and sophisticated woman.
-And you're--
-Passionate and sweet and caring.
Really?
Tall, dark and caring. What a combo.
SARAH: I didn't mean it like that.
He has a lot to offer.
Fine. Let me see this caged passion.
-Kiss him.
-Excuse me?
I don't think that's necessary
at this particular juncture right now, Roan.
I'm solid as a rock in that department.
What's wrong?
Don't you find Agent Walker attractive?
Of course I find her attractive.
It's just that I had a burrito earlier,
and I'm trying to be respectful.
While I admire your chivalry,
if you can't kiss her now...
...what makes you think
you're gonna kiss Sasha Banacheck...
...when the entire mission is on the line?
-Chuck, it's okay.
-Really?
Yes. Yes.
-There.
-Have you had intercourse before?
You know what? You're crazy.
This is crazy.
I don't have to take lessons.
Maybe I picked the wrong agent.
I'll get Agent Casey.
-You want me to kiss her?
-Desperately.
Fine.
[CHUCK CLEARS THROAT]
Bravo.
I'd better fix my lipstick. Excuse me.
Sure.
That wasn't the first time
that's happened.
What? No.
No, we're totally professional.
-We work together.
-Don't worry, Charles.
I'll teach you how to get her too.
But first, we're gonna need more gin.
We're dead.
Okay. You make sure his mike works.
I'll go load up the weapons.
CHUCK:
Oh, it may not be the steamiest...
...but we probably have the strangest
relationship in Los Angeles.
I doubt that. Morgan's still dating, right?
Good point.
Tonight will be fine.
I wouldn't take Roan's advice
too seriously. Just be yourself.
I doubt Chuck Bartowski's
gonna be charming anyone.
Why not? Worked on me.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
-We need to talk about protection.
-I don't think it's gonna get that far.
I mean a gun.
Why do you think she's known
as the Black Widow?
She's African American
and her husband died.
Because she kills all her mates.
Big Mike. Hey.
Uh, you wanted to see me?
First, I'm digging the new vest.
Oh, ha, ha, thank you.
Next, why aren't
my credit-card displays out?
Yeah, I've told Morgan three times, sir.
But don't worry, I am on it.
-They ain't listening to you.
-It's just a matter of time, sir.
The problem is, they don't fear you.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right,
they don't, they don't.
How do I get them to fear me?
Don't you watch Animal Planet?
Find the wounded gazelle and pounce.
Thus endeth the lesson.
If he survives the night,
it will be a miracle.
SARAH [OVER MIKE]: Shh. He can hear you.
-Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Don't be nervous, Chuck.
We'll be watching you.
I'm gonna walk you through the famous
four-pronged Montgomery attack.
First, work the room.
When you enter a room,
every eye should be upon you.
You could leave the bar
with any woman you desire...
...but you have chosen her.
Easy, Chuck, you're doing great.
Next, she'll need to be well-lubricated.
Ice-cold dirty martini.
Three olives.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
I'll take that as no.
Charles Carmichael. And you are?
-Bored.
-Well, maybe I can change that.
-Garçon.
MAN: May I help you?
CHUCK: Yes, sir.
Please, two ice-cold dirty martinis.
Three olives. Thank you.
SASHA:
That's very nice.
But I no longer drink.
Doesn't drink? That's--
I'm sorry. How is this boy
supposed to seduce her without alcohol?
Don't worry, Chuck. It'll be fine.
I should probably cut back too.
A lot of calories in those martinis.
Enjoy your martinis, Mr. Carmichael.
SARAH:
It's okay. Don't get discouraged.
ROAN:
That was just round one.
You're calm, confident, charming.
Yeah, apparently not.
She left after 12 seconds.
You're still alive, aren't you?
That's a victory.
Okay, Chuck. Here we go.
A woman wants a man to take control.
Even though she won't say it,
she wants to be rescued.
Actually, that's not true, Chuck.
Some women prefer a man
who can take a back seat.
-I'm talking about the Black Widow.
-So am I.
Maybe he doesn't need
to pretend to be someone else.
I promise you, Chuck Bartowski
on his own can seduce this woman.
I appreciate all of that,
but can we focus on the mission?
Yes, Charles. All right, the third prong.
The woman is an absolute Francophile.
Just the mention of Saint-Tropez
makes her woozy.
I hate to keep bothering you,
but you look so familiar.
Perhaps we met in Saint-Tropez.
At the Intercontinental.
At the Intercontinental.
Antoine the piano player
is best in Europe, don't you agree?
Oh, I'm a big, big fan of Antoine's.
Wouldn't miss him for the world.
Antoine has been dead for six years.
Aw, poor Antoine. That's tragic.
That is a shame. No one ever called.
But you prefer the new piano player,
Marcel.
For my money, though, I prefer Marcel.
Better solos, longer jams,
just more of an accomplished pianist.
But maybe that's just me.
I have to agree.
Barkeep, a refill for the lady, please.
To Antoine.
May he rest in peace.
Are you prepared for an evening
of intense seduction?
Can't wait.
This is very sweet. What did you do?
Patience, babe.
First, some tunes.
I'm taking it old school.
Does the eighth grade lunchroom
ring any bells?
That's right.
Richard Marx, Repeat Offender.
["RIGHT HERE WAITING"
PLAYS OVER SPEAKER]
-Ha, ha.
-Okay.
Next, a little something
for the sweet tooth.
Your favorite dessert.
Seriously, babe,
what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
-I guess we'll find that out later. Ha, ha.
-Not much.
And finally,
for the evening's entertainment...
...your favorite all-time movie.
-Casablanca.
-No.
Sister Act.
Honey, why,
out of all the movies in the world...
...would SisterAct be my favorite?
Morgan said he sat behind you
in the theater and you were hysterical.
I have no recollection of that.
You consulted Morgan
for an evening of intense seduction?
Technically, he has known you longer.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. You know what?
Just for future reference,
my favorite dessert is pecan pie.
Well, that's what I said.
Hey, wait, where you going?
I have to be up at 5 a.m.
-What about our date?
-Well, why don't you call Morgan?
Since evidently you planned
his favorite evening. Okay?
That furry little bastard.
So how long have you
and Charles been cavorting?
You mean, how long
have we been working together?
Don't play coy.
You have feelings for him.
I mean, real, non-spy emotions.
Don't be ridiculous. What, because
I'm protective of him as an asset?
No. The way you kissed him.
-I think you've had too much to drink.
-No such thing.
BOTH:
Oh.
That's real professional.
Look at what you did.
I know. That's expensive gin.
[LAUGHS]
Itchy ear there.
So actually, it was invented
by, uh, a Hungarian baker...
...to commemorate the defeat
of the Turks.
And that is the true history
behind the croissant.
Ha, ha.
That's just a little pastry trivia for you.
You are a fountain of information,
Mr. Carmichael.
-Well....
-Ha, ha.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
Mm?
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
And what bands are you into?
If you'd just admit I'm right,
we could move on.
Anything you perceived as me
wanting him to think I like him.
I assure you,
I have no feelings for Chuck.
He is just an asset.
Okay, we're back up. Can you hear us?
Good night, Mr. Carmichael.
Mission failed.
Black Widow's on the move.
Great. You know, I hope you're happy.
I told you, he's an analyst, not a spy.
Way to go, Casanova. You're gonna have
the Intersect in your head forever.
Okay, everybody, let's pack it up.
Roan, what is the fourth prong
of the famous assault?
ROAN:
The mission's over. It's too dangerous.
-You're not ready for this.
-I'm ready. What is it?
ROAN:
Be a bastard.
CHUCK:
When you say "bastard," you mean--?
-I mean not you, Chuck.
CHUCK: All right.
ROAN: Sensitive, caring,
sweet, be everything you're not.
Be Carmichael.
[SIGHS]
-Hey, missy.
ROAN: Don't call her missy.
Yes, Mr. Carmichael?
I just wanna tell you you're a fool.
-Excuse me?
-No, I don't think I will.
So you're heading up to your room
to get ready for bed.
Floss, creams, maybe watch a little TV.
Just before you drift off to sleep...
...you're going to have one final,
terrifying thought.
Really? What's that?
That you passed up an evening
with the greatest lover you'll ever know.
And who might that be?
Oh, you're looking at him, sister.
A man trained in the art of seduction,
who has traveled the world...
...sampling women
of every culture and creed.
I will offer one final time
before boarding my jet...
...to an undisclosed rendezvous,
of which I am already late.
Can I buy you a club soda?
No, thank you.
Okay, I just thought I'd ask. Good night.
But you can take me up to my room
and make mad, passionate sex to me.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
I've still got it.
SASHA:
Make yourself a drink, Mr. Carmichael.
I'm going to slip into something...
...a little bit more comfortable.
Yeah, you do that. Take your time, doll.
I'll just, uh, be here.
Where the hell are you guys?
You worked too quick, stallion.
We didn't have time to set up.
It's okay, Chuck. We're on our way.
Did you flash on anything?
Abort mission,
abort mission, abort mission.
Gentlemen. Can you secure this area?
Miss Banacheck and I
are gonna need some privacy.
If the hotel room is rocking,
then we're probably having sex.
Get me out of here.
Don't worry. Roan Montgomery
will get you out of this.
I've been in worse situations. Did I ever
tell you about the time in Thailand...
...with the king's daughter
on the palace roof?
No, you failed to mention it.
How do I get out of here right now?
I want you to go out on the balcony.
Okay, now what?
I want you to take a bed sheet,
tie it around your waist...
...climb up on the railing
and leap off the ledge.
Are you out of your mind?
I'm not a real spy.
I don't leap.
Oh, there you are.
It's a little chilly out there, hmm?
No, not at all.
No, it's quite pleasant tonight.
-Mm-hm.
-Oh.
Come on. Why so shy, hmm?
Well, uh, um....
Uh, well, because we just kind of met
and kind of seeing someone right now.
I'm going to do things to you...
...you never, never,
never dreamed possible.
Well, I have a very vivid imagination.
Hello, Roan.
You shouldn't have sent a boy
to do a man's job.
[GUN COCKS]
Get out of there, now.
No, no, wait. Why would you--?
Oh, my God, that's a huge knife.
Look, you don't wanna do this.
-I'm a young guy.
SASHA: Don't beg for you life.
You have nothing to offer.
Well, I have this.
[GASPS]
Roan, how did Thailand work again?
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Roan?
Roan.
[GUN COCKS]
-Wow.
-Happy anniversary, honey.
[GRUNTS THEN WOMAN SCREAMS]
-Pervert.
-No.
[SCREAMING]
To a night of infinite possibilities.
Sorry to interrupt. Enjoy your night.
Sarah, tell me you saw that.
Leaped from the balcony.
Lands with a flourish.
The Russian judge gives it a 9.4.
By the way,
I have a little thing called the Cipher.
Yes, Mr. Carmichael. I'm very interested.
There could be more.
We need to get out of here.
If you ever want to see
your fellow agents alive again...
...meet me tomorrow with the Cipher.
6th and Alameda, 10 p.m.
Come alone.
Roan? Roan?
WOMAN 1:
Why are we here so late?
If you're not gonna respect me, hmm...
...you will fear me.
May I present...
...the wheel of misfortune.
We had a version of one of these
in my home when I was growing up.
It is very effective.
Now, my pretty, pretty staff...
...I shall choose one of you
to christen the wheel.
Mr. Grimes.
-He's not spinning.
-Uh, hold on a second, baby.
-I'll spin.
-Mm-hm.
I got this.
It's all good, guys.
Oh.
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
That's just my luck.
You can't fire him.
Anna, it's not me.
The wheel has spoken.
-It's out of my hands.
-Fine.
If he's fired, I quit.
WOMAN 2: Yeah.
-That's your choice, then.
-If Anna leaves, I have to follow my heart.
-What?
I told you, you've got no shot.
Jeffrey. Jeffrey, stay here.
Without Jeff, this place blows.
What?
Okay, fine, fine. Go.
Go! Who needs you?
You're all fired. You're all fired.
Do I have your attention now?
Do I have your attention now?
You know, she's going to kill them.
I guess I'm just gonna have to take
my chances.
But I can't save them alone.
I need your help, Roan.
They knew what they were getting into.
That's the game we play.
If you show up, there will be
three dead agents instead of just two.
What, so that's it?
What happened to being
the world's greatest spy?
That was a long time ago.
Roan Montgomery
is not the man you see before you.
My life may be boring and cowardly,
but I'm alive.
That's more than most
in my line of work can claim.
But you're a legend, Roan.
Don't you understand that?
So how can you just sit there
and watch them die?
Because I'm not in love
with one of the agents.
I'm not....
I care about them.
I care about both of them.
Besides, we heard what she said, okay?
To her, I'm just an asset.
No, you're not.
Trust me.
The lady doth protest too much.
But, Charles, you have to ask yourself...
...is she worth dying for?
Yes.
[ROAN SIGHS]
Poor boy.
Lesson number one on being a spy:
Never fall in love.
Well, then I guess I'm not much of a spy.
And you're not much of a legend.
Listen to me.
I'm trying to reach General Beckman.
My name is Chuck Bartowski.
I'm not listed? Look, I'm a spy, all right?
Try my alias, Charles Carmichael.
I'm trying to contact General Beckman.
I need to speak with her before tonight.
Just have General Beckman call me as soon
as possible, all right? It's an emergency.
Morning.
Oh, hey, Chuck.
-What's going on?
-Some trouble on the home front.
I totally screwed up.
Went to Morgan for romance advice.
Yeah, that's, uh,
that's never a great policy.
No. I've gotta do something
to make this up to your sis.
-What are you thinking about doing?
-What I should've done last night.
Cover this place in rose petals...
...roaring fire,
simple candlelit dinner, pecan pie.
Maybe give her a foot massage
in the tub.
That's a natural place, I think,
to stop giving me details.
-So why don't you?
-Well, when, you know?
I've gotta be at work in, like, 20 minutes.
Got a 5 a.m. call tomorrow.
I'll do it. I just hope I'm not too late.
-Charles.
-Where is everybody?
-Oh, you mean your coworkers?
-Sure.
We had a little disagreement.
Some things needed to be done.
I fired the majority of the staff.
-You what?
LESTER: Mm-hm.
[GROANS]
I'm dead. When Big Mike gets here,
there's no one in the store.
He's gonna fire me. Help me, man.
-How?
-Ask them to come back to work.
-Why don't you ask them?
-Then they won't fear me.
Michael. So nice to see you, sir.
Gentlemen.
-Something amiss, Patel?
-Um, Morgan's on an errand.
-Anna's in the stockroom.
-I mean your vest.
Oh, yeah. It's in my locker.
I was gonna change right now.
-And the managers-only doughnuts?
-They're on your desk, sir.
Tight ship you're running, Patel.
Gentlemen.
Maybe he won't ever notice.
Depends on how long it takes him
to eat a box of doughnuts.
[MOUTHING]
Oh, yeah.
Thank you for coming.
What I didn't mention last night
was that everybody gets one practice spin.
So in all fairness, I gotta give
Morgan here another shot, okay?
Here we go. Come on now.
No one is spinning the wheel.
You want us back, you're gonna have
to make some changes around here.
WOMAN:
Uh-huh.
Okay, okay. Ha, ha.
Labor negotiations are part
of the process. Thoughts, musings?
-We want two-hour lunch breaks.
-No way.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, you got it.
You drive a hard bargain.
-Ha, ha, what else?
-Unlimited bathroom time...
...for both resting and relaxation.
-Mm, done.
-And you spin the wheel.
Anna, Anna,
I don't think that's necessary.
We were doing well here.
I don't think that I--
Live by the sword, die by the sword.
Ha, ha.
You don't even know what that means.
ANNA:
Yeah, diaper-station duty.
MORGAN:
Baby needs wipe. Baby needs wipe.
Nice. Nicely done.
-You can go and bring that up to the front.
-Oh, thank you.
Mr. Bartowski.
Lovely cover they've got you working.
Perhaps you would like to elaborate on
what you meant last night by "legend."
I meant what I said.
You were great once.
Are you here to help or just browsing?
I suppose that depends
on what your plan is for tonight.
My plan is to show up
at the meeting spot...
...and exchange the Cipher
for Casey and Sarah.
You're determined to risk your life
for these people?
-They'd do it for me.
-We should revise your plan.
Come up with something
that doesn't get us all killed.
I'm open to that.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
I have a package for Sasha Banacheck.
You need to sign.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
CHUCK [OVER PHONE]:
Here's how this is gonna go down.
Want the Cipher, you play by my rules.
Meet me at 9000 Burbank Boulevard
and bring the hostages.
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]
It's her.
Answer it.
Hello?
Oh, sorry, yeah.
You're just gonna wanna take the 5 north.
That's probably the easiest.
Burbank Boulevard exit.
Make a left at the light.
Sorry. You can find it.
CHUCK [OVER TV]:
Greetings.
I see you found your way.
Hope traffic wasn't too bad.
As you can see, I have the Cipher.
Once my friends are safely out of the store,
I'll tell you where to find it.
It's been a pleasure working with you.
I wish you luck in all your future endeavors.
Remember, we'll always have Paris.
[SCREAMS]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh. Oh.
[SCREAMS]
[BANGING ON DOOR]
Well, now that your savior
is trapped with the Cipher...
...I no longer need hostages.
-So goodbye.
-I wouldn't do that if I were you.
-Roan.
-Hello, Sasha.
[GASPS]
I should have killed you years ago.
Yes, probably.
Would you please drop your guns?
-Who the hell is that?
-That is Roan Montgomery.
[SCREAMS]
Stand back, Roan.
Or I'll kill her.
No, no, no.
ROAN [OVER MIKE]: Where are you?
-I'm on the roof.
-Charles, remember Thailand?
-This is not time for one of your stories.
-Remember Thailand.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were on the palace roof
and you tied a bed sheet--
No, no, no.
Charles, it's time to be a spy.
I'm not. I'm not a spy.
[SARAH GRUNTS]
SASHA: Bring me the Cipher right now
or I'll kill her.
I guess you gotta die sometime.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
It'd just be nice if it wasn't today.
[SCREAMS]
Sarah!
SARAH:
Chuck.
Chuck. Are you okay?
I'm fine. I'm fine. How are you?
I'm fine.
Now that's what I call a spy.
I ain't new.
BECKMAN [OVER MONITOR]:
Excellent work, team. Thanks.
We have the Cipher.
General, Chuck was invaluable
on this mission.
He also risked his life
several times to save ours.
BECKMAN:
Your country thanks you, Chuck.
Hopefully, we can now rebuild the Intersect
and this nightmare can be over for you.
Have a nice day.
Wait. Actually, while I appreciate
all of your kind words...
...if we're going to continue
to coexist happily...
...I think that the government needs
to start pulling their weight around here.
What did you have in mind, Chuck?
DEVON:
Ellie, I just wanna apologize again.
I know I may seem like Mr. Smooth...
...but the truth is,
I don't have a million moves.
All I know is I love you.
I don't need moves, Devon.
Just the fact that you're trying
is enough.
Is that pecan pie?
I can't believe I fell for that. You're the
sweetest man in the whole world.
[CHUCKLES]
No biggie, babe.
Well, be sure and thank the CIA for me.
Our pleasure.
I suppose I should thank you
for saving my life.
Oh, you've done it for me a time or two.
I'm probably still in debt.
I have to admit,
that was pretty impressive.
Right? I mean, come on.
I know I'm just an asset.
But between the two of us...
...I mean, have you ever seen anyone
do something like that before?
I think it's safe to say, Chuck...
...that I've never seen
anyone quite like you.
ROAN: Well, Agent Casey,
thanks for the accommodations.
Agent Montgomery.
The reason I failed you twice...
...was that your partner at the time
was too pretty to pass.
Should have failed her a few more times.
Should have known.
Adieu, Agent Walker.
It was a real pleasure,
Agent Montgomery.
Well, I'll, um-- I'll see you later, Chuck.
ROAN:
Ah.
Let her go.
A great man once said it will give her
the illusion of being pursued.
-You trust me?
-Yeah.
Good. Do you own a white dinner jacket?
-No.
-Rent one.
Tonight you will show up
with a bottle of Château Margaux...
...the dinner jacket
and a single red rose...
...known in several countries
as the Montgomery.
[PHONE RINGS]
-Goodbye, Charles.
-Goodbye, Roan.
Hello, Diane.
Yeah, on my way to the airport.
Should be in Dallas by the morning.
SARAH:
Chuck.
Hi.
-Um....
-Hello, Chuck.
CHUCK: Bryce?
-Miss me?
[ENGLISH SDH]