Chuck (2007–2012): Season 2, Episode 1 - Chuck Versus the First Date - full transcript
Team Chuck recovers some equipment. They're told it's the last component for the new Intersect, which will be brought on line. Chuck is relieved at the prospect of returning to a normal life and asks Sarah out. Meanwhile Casey receives orders that cause some inner conflict.
[SIREN WAILING]
Before you do anything rash...
...I think you should know
that I have the cipher.
COLT:
Hand it over right now.
Don't you think we should
discuss terms first?
[CHUCK YELLING]
Now, who are you?
You know?
You probably wouldn't believe me.
Ah! Oh!
Last chance.
Who are you?
Chuck.
Okay.
Now, tell me everything, Chuck.
CHUCK: There is no way he's gonna
believe me, and I don't blame him.
Who would believe that the government
put all their secrets into one computer...
...and all those secrets got downloaded
into my brain?
Of course, I can't tell this guy that.
Oh! Okay, okay, okay.
See, the, the thing is I kind of sort of work
for the CIA and the NSA in my off hours...
...when I'm not at the store,
like a second job.
And though I don't look it,
being lanky of build...
...you should know that I'm probably
the most important intelligence asset...
...in the world.
That is the single dumbest story
I've ever heard.
That very well may be,
but if you drop me...
...there are couple of people
who are gonna be very, very upset.
CHUCK: Meet Sarah and Casey.
They're here to protect me.
That's Sarah. She works for the CIA.
Believe me, I know.
And that's Casey. He works for the NSA.
He's not as pretty.
-Let the geek go.
-Wait. Not out the window.
Aren't we picky.
[CHUCK GASPS THEN YELLS]
Unh! Nice hands, Casey.
-Why didn't you stay in the car?
-You know what?
It's never safe in the car.
Well, did you get it?
-Tell me you got it.
-Yeah, I got it.
Of course I got it. It's me.
Excellent work, Sarah, Casey.
Our transporters will be taking the cipher
out of Los Angeles.
General, what exactly is the cipher?
I mean, mercenaries break into the NSA lab
and it's the only thing they take?
The cipher is the artificial brain
for the new Intersect computer.
The new Intersect?
GRAHAM: We've been working on a new
one ever since the original was destroyed.
The cipher is the final piece.
Uh, wait, timeout just for a second here.
What happens to me, the old Intersect?
Tomorrow,
the new computer will be online.
Operation Bartowski
officially comes to an end.
You'll be done with us. No more briefings,
no more missions, no more spies.
Enjoy the rest of your life, Chuck.
[DOOR OPEN]
-Are you okay, Chuck?
-Huh?
Yeah, I'm, uh....
I mean, I don't believe it,
but, uh, I think I'm great.
Well, you're gonna get your old life back.
Yeah, I was starting to think you and Casey
were gonna be my spy protectors forever.
Or whatever the adult version
of forever is.
-Don't tell me you're gonna miss all of this.
-No. No, of course not.
I don't think I'm really cut out for a job
where you jump off a building.
-You could have fooled me.
-That's very kind of you to say.
But I'm pretty sure my girlish screams
in the face of danger give me away.
So, what happens now?
You're almost free.
What are you gonna do next?
-Well, you know, I've got the Buy More.
-Chuck, can I tell you something?
Of course.
You can do anything.
I've seen you in action.
And I'm not just talking about
the bomb-defusing or the diamond-stealing.
I mean, anything you wanted,
you could have.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
-Thought you might call.
-Major Casey, you understand the situation?
We can't have another Intersect wandering
around Los Angeles getting into trouble.
General, Chuck may be a novice spy,
but the results speak for themselves.
-Surely we can find another exit strategy.
-You have your orders, major.
Tomorrow night,
eliminate Chuck Bartowski.
[GUN COCKS]
I used to like the sound of that.
[HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS'
"HIP TO BE SQUARE" PLAYING ON RADIO]
[INCREASES VOLUME]
[WATER RUNNING]
[SCREAMS]
Morning, Chuck.
My eyes! My eyes!
Oh, I'm blind, I'm blind!
[DOOR SLAMS]
First of all, congratulations, Devon, on the--
You know, whatever God gave you there.
Second, the door was not locked.
So I'm not a pervert.
And third, this is another reminder
of why I need my own place.
There's no rush, Chuck.
It's great having you here.
So, Ellie, I've been thinking a lot
about stuff.
You know, like, uh, my life and my job.
Unburden yourself, Chuck.
Where's that head of yours?
You guys are right.
I shouldn't be working at a Buy More.
-I should have a real job with a real future.
-What happened?
You know when you meet someone
and they flip you on your head...
...just shakes things up a little bit?
You're talking about a Mr. Tony Robbins.
-So close and yet so far away, honestly.
-Uh-huh.
-Oh, I gotta go. I'm sorry.
-No, no.
I need to know if this is a good thing
or a bad thing.
No, no. It's a good thing.
It's not a Tony Robbins-cult thing.
I want this, so....
Okay. Okay, great.
Well, then I'm really happy for you.
I'm, like, super excited right now.
I'm just trying to keep it in--
-Which is healthier.
-I'm proud of you.
-Thank you. Ha-ha-ha.
-I'm so proud of you.
Okay, I love you. See you.
MORGAN:
Hey.
Chuck, come here. Come here, dude.
CHUCK:
Hey.
-What's up?
-Large Mart goons.
I don't want them to see this.
What is this?
MORGAN:
The compound level from "Call of Duty."
After our battle with those douches,
I started to work on this:
A plan on how we could to take them.
All right, listen, here are the specs. Ready?
Twenty-three infantry troopers, 16 snipers,
gunners, demolition experts...
...and enough ammunition
to orbit Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Fifty gamers, one call,
all ready for battle.
With this team assemble and my plan,
I think we can beat them.
Morgan, you are my new hero.
-I know.
CASEY: I'll be right with you, ma'am.
Hey can I talk to you
about this later?
Roger. Big Mike was looking for you.
I told him I would send you his way.
Message delivered. Your work here is done.
Hey, uh, Casey, Casey.
Hey, um, do you have a second?
Just a quick, quick second?
No. I got a single female
pining for the Beastmaster.
It's a quick second, I promise.
What is it?
I just wanted to say thank you.
-I'm leaving.
-No, hey, wait.
-Hand.
-Sorry.
I always forget about that.
Um, look, I just wanna say
I'm gonna miss you, man, you know.
Thank you for showing me how to do things
that I never thought were possible.
And-- And you know what?
You were always there to catch me
when I fell...
...which sounds cheesy
now that I'm saying it aloud.
Really, forget it.
Bartowski!
Bartowski, Bartowski.
Yes, Big Mike?
The assistant managership.
The number-two spot here
at the Buy More...
...the captain of the ship
when I'm not around.
-Which, as we both know, is often.
-Uh-huh.
Here's the thing.
Corporate is on my ass to fill the spot.
But I really don't wanna interview
those characters out there.
-Your employees?
-Exactly.
They scare me, Chuck.
So....
Do you want the job?
Well, Chuck, do you?
[MORGAN SINGS FANFARE]
All hail the once and future
assistant manager, Chuck Bartowski.
-Ah, the sleeper has awoken.
-Morgan--
Behold the dawn of a new age here
at the Buy More.
I, as your lieutenant, will institute policies
that we've always wanted. Right, team?
-Right.
LESTER & ANNA: Right.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Morgan, I didn't take the job.
What? Why, oh, why, oh, why, Chuck?
I'm also here to inform you
that Big Mike has ordered me...
...to interview and choose the new
assistant store manager as my punishment.
-References go to you, Charles?
-Or Morgan.
See you. I got a résumé to nail.
If I get the job, you should quiver in fear.
Listen to me.
Listen to me, Chuck, Chuck.
You being the AM was what
we've always dreamed of.
I'm not convinced that the Buy More
is where I wanna work forever, you know.
Got it. Where would we work, then?
Where would we--?
-We?
-Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Um, I don't know. Wherever.
It's Sarah. She's finally done it. Heh.
No, wait. Done what?
It makes perfect sense, too,
come to think of it.
If you were gonna choose someone
over me, it should be her.
I mean, she is, unironically speaking,
awesome.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-So can I be completely honest?
-Yeah.
I miss the Wienerlicious.
The Bavarian charm
and the toxic nacho cheese you had--
My clothes smelled like sausage.
Nostalgia completely gone.
[CHUCKLES]
So, what's up?
You wanna go on a date sometime?
I mean, a date without aliases
and spy gear and a mission.
Oh, like a real date?
Yeah.
Chuck, ahem, I'm still a CIA agent...
...and there are a hundred reasons
why I shouldn't do that.
What do you have to loose?
In a week, you're gonna be undercover
in Jakarta...
...in a knife fight with some evildoer,
and in that exact moment...
...you're gonna wish that you would've
spent one last night of fun with me.
Okay.
-Really?
-Mm-hm.
Tonight.
-Our first real date.
-Or our second first date.
No gunfight, I promise.
-Okay.
-Okay.
[SILENCED GUNSHOT]
[SILENCED GUNSHOT]
[SILENCED GUNSHOT]
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
CHUCK: Hey.
-Hey. Date tonight?
Yeah, yeah, we're gonna go grab
some Chinese food...
...and maybe hit The Echo.
Did you hear that, Devon?
Do you recognize the sound
of a proper date when you hear it?
My tank's empty, babe.
That's my future husband.
What about you? Any revelations?
Any ideas about
what you're gonna do next?
Um, yeah, a few.
If you say, "pilot the Millennium Falcon,"
I will hit you.
I-- Why would I say that? That's absurd.
I'm gonna be a ninja assassin.
-No, try again.
-Um....
-Olympic--
-Uh-uh.
Secret agent.
This is what happens when you sit
in front of the television set too long.
Seriously. What are you gonna do?
I don't know. I've got bunch of ideas...
...bunch of things to think about
and choose from.
I wanna go finish college.
I think that's important.
And I wanna travel and....
I don't know. I wanna learn an obscure
language that only cool people know.
Oddly, not one of my dreams...
...includes working at Buy More
for another week.
Huh. Well, look who's growing up.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That'll be Sarah.
What's up, dude?
I know you have a date.
Just I was wondering
if you have five to 45 minutes...
...to test out
a new "Call of Duty" strategy.
Chuck?
Baby steps, sis. Baby steps.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Yeah?
-Messenger.
[CONSOLE BEEPS]
Pick-up call placed
by one G. Beckman.
-Verification code?
-Morning glory.
Mm-hm.
Where's your backup?
[COUGHING]
[CASEY THUDS]
It's done. I've got the cipher.
Go to the second location.
We have two more targets.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Ready to go?
-Yeah.
SARAH:
Wow, this food is good.
How'd you hear
about this place anyway?
Morgan, as a matter of fact.
The man has a black belt in dumplings.
I trust any recommendation he gives me
for food items less than $10.
So our first date
is a Morgan recommendation?
Wow, no faith in the little bearded man.
Okay.
I think you should know, he's always been
supportive of our fake relationship.
And he's never found it
remotely unbelievable...
...that a guy like me
could be dating, um, ahem.
-You know.
-What?
[CHUCK CHUCKLES]
Um....
You know, you.
What about me?
[CHUCKLES]
You're really gonna make me say it,
aren't you?
You-- Wow, okay, fine.
All right. We'll play it your way.
A girl like you.
Or more appropriately, a woman like you.
Considering the fact that you could probably
kick the ass of everyone in this joint.
And, uh, a smart one, at that.
Not to mention cool.
And....
Extremely beautiful and--
And you can stop me anytime
with the compliments if they're becoming....
No, that was, uh, very sweet.
"Sweet"? Golly, gee.
Thanks for making me feel like I'm 8.
[LAUGHS]
Well, you're not so bad yourself.
Please. I'm fantastic.
Yeah, you are.
What would Casey think
if he knew we were doing this?
-It would probably kill him.
CHUCK: Ha-ha.
[COUGHING]
Sorry, sir.
[YELLING]
So does it say where you're going next?
Your new mission?
-Actually, it does.
-Really?
No, not really.
Besides, it doesn't work that way.
They'll probably give me a new cover...
...and move me as far away from here
as possible.
What if they didn't?
Chuck, a CIA officer
doesn't get to choose.
You know, I still have
an awful lot of secrets in my head.
The Lindbergh baby.
The formula for New Coke.
What are you saying, Chuck?
What I've always wanted to say, Sarah.
No, no, no. Not now, not now.
Huh? Oh, oh.
[WHIMPERING]
-Chuck, what is it?
-We're surrounded.
[GUNS COCK]
CHUCK: Sarah, you have your gun, right?
-Nope.
-What? Why not?
-You don't bring a gun on a real date.
COLT:
Hello again, Chuck.
-And you are...?
-My name is Mr. Colt.
And I need you to come with me.
Now, why would we do that, Mr. Colt?
Because I assume you find me imposing.
Don't worry, be honest.
I'm going for imposing.
Mission accomplished.
COLT:
Well, I tell you what.
The people that hired me?
Give me the heebie-jeebies.
You know, when you put it
in context like that, I--
Let's go. We'll take care of the check.
Um, you know, are you sure?
The moo goo gai pan is very expensive here.
So we could probably go Dutch.
How much do bad guys normally tip?
SARAH: Unh! Aah!
CHUCK: Sarah!
-Sarah.
-Move and she dies.
[WATCH BEEPING]
What is that?
It's a homing device.
[TIRES SCREECH OUTSIDE]
Is that a Crown Victoria?
Move!
[ALL SCREAMING]
-Hey, somebody order drive-through?
SARAH: Chuck, get up.
CHUCK: We gotta go.
SARAH: Get in the car.
[CASEY GRUNTS]
SARAH: Casey, drive.
CHUCK: Drive, drive, drive!
[YELLING]
"Somebody order drive-through," huh?
Think that up as you were racing over?
"Maybe I'll say this after I crash
into the restaurant."
We have to go back
and find out who they work for.
Too many of them. We can't.
Well, at least we still have the cipher.
Yeah, about that....
Looks like you're still the Intersect,
Chuck.
Sarah?
Don't worry, Chuck. We'll get it back.
[HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS' "THE
POWER OF LOVE" PLAYING ON RADIO]
MORGAN: Yo, Chucky Chuck,
got all the résumés together for you.
What?
The assistant-manager spot.
You have to pick our boss, man.
Ah, I'm making my decision now.
I want you to be the assistant manager.
Whoa, Chuck, relax for a second.
Let's think about this.
I have this perfect system
for doing as little work as possible.
It's a science, really, doing nothing.
A promotion at this point
would destroy all my hard work.
You're telling me I have no choice.
The die has been cast.
-I'm gonna be here every step of the way.
-That's comforting.
Okay, so the first interview up
is Anna Wu.
Um, okay, Anna. Well, your résumé
has some really interesting items.
-Is it true you're trained in the arts of--?
-Tell him to leave.
-Sorry, what?
-Tell Morgan to leave.
CHUCK: I'm trying to find
the right applicant, buddy. That's all.
-It's scented.
-Is it?
Oh, honey, will you close the door?
Thank you.
Thanks, sugar.
We're alone.
Anna, what exactly are you doing?
Relax. I like making my boyfriend nervous.
Howdy, howdy. Hey.
-Is this trash? Am I to throw this away?
-It's my résumé.
You've, uh-- You've been working here
since the store opened?
CHUCK:
Very detailed. Very thorough.
I'm noticing here
that you have a Wikipedia entry--
Bingo.
--of yourself.
I have a certain following.
What do you think he thinks
is happening in here right now?
An interview, I hope.
Well, um, you know,
that's actually something...
...that I never, ever wanted
to know about you.
-What else can I tell you?
-Nothing.
No more questions.
This guys needs professional help.
That's not--
That's not called for or welcome.
Very unwelcome, actually.
I take care of my friends, Chuck. I, uh....
[AS MARLON BRANDO]
I help those who help me.
[COUGHS]
Okay. We're at the Buy More
and this is not the Mafia.
Interesting, interesting.
Hey, whoa, Mr. Bartowski
is conducting an interview.
LESTER:
Oh, wow. This happens a lot, man.
Okay. Uh, Lester, could you excuse me
for a second?
Morgan, I need to talk to Casey by myself.
Thanks.
No, absolutely. It was great.
Take your résumé. Get out of here.
Morgan, now, now, now!
Move it, move it, move it. Shut the door.
-What is it?
-I know where they are.
-Who?
-What you mean who?
Colt. The guy who smashed you
in the face last night.
I flashed on your scar, it's the emblem
for their organization.
They have a secret hideout downtown.
Warehouse 17 on 103rd Street.
-We'll hop in the Herder and--
-Cool your jets. I'll call it in.
-No time. They could be on the move.
-Relax.
I'm not gonna rush into a hideout situation
until I'm certain we have the upper hand.
We'll get the cipher.
It just may take some time.
Casey, I can't take this anymore.
Do you understand?
I cannot do this anymore.
I almost died twice in the period of one day,
all right?
And when I'm looking at my life
and what my future could be...
...I see that it doesn't completely suck.
Your new Intersect is almost done.
And when it is, I'm free, I'm cool, I'm out.
I have a future and a life
that I wanna live.
Future's a dangerous thing.
Doesn't always work out
like you want it to.
What happened to you?
You were this close to being done with me,
and being a real spy again.
Why? You don't you want me here
to catch you when you fall?
No, as a matter of fact, I'd rather
have you flying jets and blowing things up.
Wait here.
[DOOR OPENS]
[PHONE DIALING]
-What about the interviews?
-What?
-Oh, I don't know, but you're in charge.
-No, no, I can't do the interviews.
I don't make decisions like that.
People talk to me, I just nod my head.
I'd be making the decision blind.
Fine, fine, fine. Use your own method.
I trust you.
Really?
Think that's such a good idea?
What is my method?
Hey, what's happening?
You're going down there.
We're on it, Chuck.
-What's back there?
-Well, like the sign says, yogurt and fun.
Let me come along.
You gotta bring Charles Carmichael.
Debonair super spy who also happens
to have the Intersect in his head?
I can help you guys.
Charles Carmichael isn't your real name,
Chuck. You made him up.
You're just Chuck Bartowski
and you're not real spy, huh.
We have a tactical team meeting us.
We'll take down Colt and find the cipher.
And you go back to work.
Don't worry about the Buy More.
I put Morgan in charge.
He's got it under control.
Welcome to Thunderdome.
It is the ancient way.
To the victor go the spoils.
One of them
will be the new assistant manager.
And one of them will be Jeff.
The fates will decide.
Begin!
[CROWD SHOUTING]
Anna? Jeff? Lester?
Bartowski. Computer emergency.
-Hey, where is everybody?
-Don't care.
Just got a call for Nerd Herd help.
They said they got
a recommendation for you.
Can I send someone else
or did they ask for me?
You know I hate taking calls. Get going.
CASEY:
Go, go, go. Okay, open up.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
AGENT: Clear.
-Chuck was wrong.
Or he was right
and we didn't move fast enough.
Buy More Nerd Herd. Hello?
I'm here about the...
...computer emergency.
Hello, Chuck. Come on in.
Call Chuck. I got a feeling.
[PHONE DIALING]
Nothing. I'll try Buy More.
[PHONE DIALING]
[LINE RINGING]
-Yo.
-Morgan, where's Chuck?
So, uh, what seems to be
your computer problem?
Here's the problem, Chuck.
You saw my face
and you heard my voice.
That's not a problem.
I forget things all the time. Ask my sister.
Her birthday, my social security number.
Just anything. Ask me, I'll forget it.
[BONES POPPING]
-What exactly are you doing?
-I'm stretching, getting limber.
Why are you doing that?
Ah, so I won't pull a muscle
when I break your neck.
Maybe you should get limber too.
Where you going?
There's nobody here to help you.
Oh, your friends, that's right.
They're next on my to-do list.
See, you walked into a trap, Chuck.
If that is your real name.
My name is Charles Carmichael.
I'm a CIA agent, and this is my trap.
I don't think you gentlemen realize
the gravity of the predicament you're in.
That phone call you made
to the Buy More? Yeah, we traced that.
Your compound is currently surrounded
by 23 infantry troopers, 16 snipers...
...seven heavy gunners,
four demolitions experts...
...enough ammunition
to orbit Arnold Schwarzenegger.
You're outmatched and outgunned.
Those pea shooters might as well
be sharp sticks and strong language.
-Nothing there, boss.
-Looks clear.
[LAUGHS]
-Good try, Chuck.
-Of course you don't see anyone.
Who do you think we are, FBI?
The only thing you'll see is a muzzle flash,
followed by an e-ticket straight to hell.
So make the smart choice
and why don't you hand over the cipher?
-Ah.
-Wait, wait, wait.
I think that, uh....
I think that you might wanna hear this.
[LINE RINGING]
MORGAN: Hey, Chuck.
-Hey, Morgan.
MORGAN:
Yeah, Chuck?
I'd like you to tell me the exact specs
for the team surrounding the compound.
-The whole shebang?
CHUCK: The whole shebang.
Yes, sir.
We have 23 infantry troopers, 16 snipers,
seven gunners, four demolitions experts.
I got impatient
and we took out one of the sentries.
Don't worry. It was a headshot.
Couldn't warn his buddies.
It was awesome, man.
His head exploded like a watermelon.
-Thanks, Morgan.
-They must have got Fritz.
I thought he was in the can.
One more time.
Give up.
COLT:
He's either lying or he's crazy.
Check everywhere.
Don't let anything get past you.
[GRUNTS]
CASEY [OVER RADIO]: This is Agents Casey
and Walker. We're en route.
Ha, ha-- Aah! Oh!
Don't move.
Please don't move?
[BOTH GRUNT]
[GRUNTS]
[CHUCK COUGHING]
Hey, no, no.
COLT: Hand it over.
-What will you do if I give it to you?
[CHUCK WHIMPERING]
To be honest, I'll drop you.
This is what I'm talking about.
We gotta work on your negotiating skills.
How about this, you pull me back up
and we just discuss this like adults?
-You know what?
-What?
Freeze!
It ain't worth it.
No!
[BOTH GRUNT]
Oh, God.
Your boyfriend is dead.
Now, baby, what you gonna do?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
-You--
-Yeah. I catch you when you fall.
-It's touching, really.
-No, I love you.
Keep it in your pants, Bartowski.
Now get downstairs.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SARAH GASPS]
[SARAH GRUNTS]
[SARAH COUGHS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Enough with the foreplay.
Step away from the blond.
Ah, you know, you've gotta
put that gun down.
Because you're surrounded.
Meet the rest of my men. Ha-ha-ha.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hi.
Sorry to, uh....
Uh, I'm sorry to interrupt
whatever's going on here...
...but, uh, Mr. Colt,
I just wanted you to meet my team.
Tell me something,
do you find them imposing?
Go ahead. You can be honest.
I was going for imposing.
-Chuck?
-Carmichael.
Agent Carmichael.
Maybe you could go ahead
and put your weapons down.
[SIRENS WAILING]
CHUCK:
I said, put your weapons down.
Oh, there you go.
And then the hands up
to imply that your hands are empty.
-Your boss, Carmichael.
-What?
He's good.
Don't worry, I'm fine.
Do you have the cipher?
Please tell me you have it.
Of course I have it. It's me.
[SIGHS]
BECKMAN [OVER COMPUTER]:
Ahem, Major Casey.
Hope I'm not interrupting.
-The new Intersect ready?
-We're minutes away.
-Which means....
-Your order remains the same.
Chuck Bartowski is to be eliminated.
[SIGHS]
What was that, Casey?
Nothing, general.
It's just....
Chuck served his country with honor.
Maybe he even has potential
as an analyst.
-I understand--
GRAHAM: Let me, general.
Major Casey, can you extract these secrets
from Mr. Bartowski's head?
Can you guarantee him safety
from kidnapping, from torture?
-No.
-Then it's clear.
Chuck Bartowski has served
his country with honor.
Now he'll die with honor to protect it.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
ELLIE:
Sure you can handle it?
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, I think I can do this. Thank you.
I wanted to cook dinner for Sarah
for a while, so....
You have many skills,
but the kitchen is not one.
Oh, but that's why they call it
Hamburger Helper.
Hello?
Does most of the heavy lifting for me.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm making that chicken
with balsamic glaze.
-The one thing Dad taught me how to make.
-But Dad couldn't cook, either.
Babe, you ready?
The Mongolian BBQ beckons.
Going for the record, Chuck.
Seven pounds shredded beef.
-I've been fasting.
-Please let me help you.
The man has been on a hunger strike.
Come on. Go, eat. I'll be fine.
Are you sure about that?
Yeah.
Yes, I'll be fine.
Oh, hey, and I also had an idea
for what I'm gonna do.
I was thinking maybe, like,
Eurorail through Europe?
Uh, you know, backpacking,
that kind of thing.
-That sounds--
-Awesome.
Remind me to tell you
about Amsterdam, my man. Ha-ha-ha.
Lovely city, lot of canals.
Great idea. Good luck tonight.
-Good luck, buddy.
-Hey, you too.
And remember, buddy, pace yourself.
It's a marathon.
[LAUGHS]
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[MONITORS PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
[BEEPS]
[FLOOR CREAKS]
So, Sarah, what do you--
What do you think of, um--?
What do you think of Europe?
You, me, a couple of Eurorail passes,
just seeing the world.
"Seeing the world"? What the hell?
Ask her, just--
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Hi, Sarah.
-Chuck.
CHUCK: What is it?
-We have to call off the date.
The Intersect was destroyed.
What? But the cipher--
It was a Trojan horse. A sabotage device.
The moment it came online, it exploded.
-But that means--
SARAH: You're still the only Intersect.
I'm sorry.
[SIGHS]
[LESTER CLEARS THROAT]
-Hello, Charles.
-Chuck's fine.
Well, actually isn't.
You see, as the assistant manager
and your boss...
...it's my duty to inform you I've had
complaints from customers about you.
Oh, you have, have you?
Not specifically.
But I haven't had any compliments.
And in my book, that's the same thing.
Yeah? Good.
How's it going, Chuck?
How's it going? That's a--
That's a great question.
I'll tell you, buddy.
I just had a vision, okay?
A vision of the rest of my life.
And you know what?
It takes place in the same outfit
behind the same desk...
...in this same store.
Gotcha. Talk to Dr. Morgan.
It's safe. Go ahead.
I just thought I'd be going somewhere,
you know.
Not just metaphysically or spiritually,
though that too...
...but literally, I want out of Burbank to--
-Glendale?
-Ha-ha-ha.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
All right, listen. Look at me.
In all honesty, and I hope you know this.
I've always been of a mind
that you are destined for great things.
Whatever you wanna do, you can do.
All right? Senator, president,
emperor of the known universe.
Whatever you wanna do,
you understand?
-Okay.
-You're good.
But before you go change the world,
I think that I should tell you...
...that I'm currently on my way
to securing 45 Twinkies.
Now, by which I mean
45 bags of Twinkies.
Why would you do that?
Good question. Because Jeff said
he'd eat them in under three minutes.
Now, he thinks he's eating 45...
...but technically speaking,
he agreed to eat 90.
-Ninety?
-Yeah.
Nobody can eat 90 Twinkies.
That's what I said, dude. He may die.
Or at least do extreme damage
to several major organs.
This I have to see.
Good to see you, Bartowski.
Casey, 90 Twinkies in three minutes.
Be there.
MORGAN:
Jeff might die.
[MORGAN LAUGHS]
[ENGLISH SDH]
Before you do anything rash...
...I think you should know
that I have the cipher.
COLT:
Hand it over right now.
Don't you think we should
discuss terms first?
[CHUCK YELLING]
Now, who are you?
You know?
You probably wouldn't believe me.
Ah! Oh!
Last chance.
Who are you?
Chuck.
Okay.
Now, tell me everything, Chuck.
CHUCK: There is no way he's gonna
believe me, and I don't blame him.
Who would believe that the government
put all their secrets into one computer...
...and all those secrets got downloaded
into my brain?
Of course, I can't tell this guy that.
Oh! Okay, okay, okay.
See, the, the thing is I kind of sort of work
for the CIA and the NSA in my off hours...
...when I'm not at the store,
like a second job.
And though I don't look it,
being lanky of build...
...you should know that I'm probably
the most important intelligence asset...
...in the world.
That is the single dumbest story
I've ever heard.
That very well may be,
but if you drop me...
...there are couple of people
who are gonna be very, very upset.
CHUCK: Meet Sarah and Casey.
They're here to protect me.
That's Sarah. She works for the CIA.
Believe me, I know.
And that's Casey. He works for the NSA.
He's not as pretty.
-Let the geek go.
-Wait. Not out the window.
Aren't we picky.
[CHUCK GASPS THEN YELLS]
Unh! Nice hands, Casey.
-Why didn't you stay in the car?
-You know what?
It's never safe in the car.
Well, did you get it?
-Tell me you got it.
-Yeah, I got it.
Of course I got it. It's me.
Excellent work, Sarah, Casey.
Our transporters will be taking the cipher
out of Los Angeles.
General, what exactly is the cipher?
I mean, mercenaries break into the NSA lab
and it's the only thing they take?
The cipher is the artificial brain
for the new Intersect computer.
The new Intersect?
GRAHAM: We've been working on a new
one ever since the original was destroyed.
The cipher is the final piece.
Uh, wait, timeout just for a second here.
What happens to me, the old Intersect?
Tomorrow,
the new computer will be online.
Operation Bartowski
officially comes to an end.
You'll be done with us. No more briefings,
no more missions, no more spies.
Enjoy the rest of your life, Chuck.
[DOOR OPEN]
-Are you okay, Chuck?
-Huh?
Yeah, I'm, uh....
I mean, I don't believe it,
but, uh, I think I'm great.
Well, you're gonna get your old life back.
Yeah, I was starting to think you and Casey
were gonna be my spy protectors forever.
Or whatever the adult version
of forever is.
-Don't tell me you're gonna miss all of this.
-No. No, of course not.
I don't think I'm really cut out for a job
where you jump off a building.
-You could have fooled me.
-That's very kind of you to say.
But I'm pretty sure my girlish screams
in the face of danger give me away.
So, what happens now?
You're almost free.
What are you gonna do next?
-Well, you know, I've got the Buy More.
-Chuck, can I tell you something?
Of course.
You can do anything.
I've seen you in action.
And I'm not just talking about
the bomb-defusing or the diamond-stealing.
I mean, anything you wanted,
you could have.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
-Thought you might call.
-Major Casey, you understand the situation?
We can't have another Intersect wandering
around Los Angeles getting into trouble.
General, Chuck may be a novice spy,
but the results speak for themselves.
-Surely we can find another exit strategy.
-You have your orders, major.
Tomorrow night,
eliminate Chuck Bartowski.
[GUN COCKS]
I used to like the sound of that.
[HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS'
"HIP TO BE SQUARE" PLAYING ON RADIO]
[INCREASES VOLUME]
[WATER RUNNING]
[SCREAMS]
Morning, Chuck.
My eyes! My eyes!
Oh, I'm blind, I'm blind!
[DOOR SLAMS]
First of all, congratulations, Devon, on the--
You know, whatever God gave you there.
Second, the door was not locked.
So I'm not a pervert.
And third, this is another reminder
of why I need my own place.
There's no rush, Chuck.
It's great having you here.
So, Ellie, I've been thinking a lot
about stuff.
You know, like, uh, my life and my job.
Unburden yourself, Chuck.
Where's that head of yours?
You guys are right.
I shouldn't be working at a Buy More.
-I should have a real job with a real future.
-What happened?
You know when you meet someone
and they flip you on your head...
...just shakes things up a little bit?
You're talking about a Mr. Tony Robbins.
-So close and yet so far away, honestly.
-Uh-huh.
-Oh, I gotta go. I'm sorry.
-No, no.
I need to know if this is a good thing
or a bad thing.
No, no. It's a good thing.
It's not a Tony Robbins-cult thing.
I want this, so....
Okay. Okay, great.
Well, then I'm really happy for you.
I'm, like, super excited right now.
I'm just trying to keep it in--
-Which is healthier.
-I'm proud of you.
-Thank you. Ha-ha-ha.
-I'm so proud of you.
Okay, I love you. See you.
MORGAN:
Hey.
Chuck, come here. Come here, dude.
CHUCK:
Hey.
-What's up?
-Large Mart goons.
I don't want them to see this.
What is this?
MORGAN:
The compound level from "Call of Duty."
After our battle with those douches,
I started to work on this:
A plan on how we could to take them.
All right, listen, here are the specs. Ready?
Twenty-three infantry troopers, 16 snipers,
gunners, demolition experts...
...and enough ammunition
to orbit Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Fifty gamers, one call,
all ready for battle.
With this team assemble and my plan,
I think we can beat them.
Morgan, you are my new hero.
-I know.
CASEY: I'll be right with you, ma'am.
Hey can I talk to you
about this later?
Roger. Big Mike was looking for you.
I told him I would send you his way.
Message delivered. Your work here is done.
Hey, uh, Casey, Casey.
Hey, um, do you have a second?
Just a quick, quick second?
No. I got a single female
pining for the Beastmaster.
It's a quick second, I promise.
What is it?
I just wanted to say thank you.
-I'm leaving.
-No, hey, wait.
-Hand.
-Sorry.
I always forget about that.
Um, look, I just wanna say
I'm gonna miss you, man, you know.
Thank you for showing me how to do things
that I never thought were possible.
And-- And you know what?
You were always there to catch me
when I fell...
...which sounds cheesy
now that I'm saying it aloud.
Really, forget it.
Bartowski!
Bartowski, Bartowski.
Yes, Big Mike?
The assistant managership.
The number-two spot here
at the Buy More...
...the captain of the ship
when I'm not around.
-Which, as we both know, is often.
-Uh-huh.
Here's the thing.
Corporate is on my ass to fill the spot.
But I really don't wanna interview
those characters out there.
-Your employees?
-Exactly.
They scare me, Chuck.
So....
Do you want the job?
Well, Chuck, do you?
[MORGAN SINGS FANFARE]
All hail the once and future
assistant manager, Chuck Bartowski.
-Ah, the sleeper has awoken.
-Morgan--
Behold the dawn of a new age here
at the Buy More.
I, as your lieutenant, will institute policies
that we've always wanted. Right, team?
-Right.
LESTER & ANNA: Right.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Morgan, I didn't take the job.
What? Why, oh, why, oh, why, Chuck?
I'm also here to inform you
that Big Mike has ordered me...
...to interview and choose the new
assistant store manager as my punishment.
-References go to you, Charles?
-Or Morgan.
See you. I got a résumé to nail.
If I get the job, you should quiver in fear.
Listen to me.
Listen to me, Chuck, Chuck.
You being the AM was what
we've always dreamed of.
I'm not convinced that the Buy More
is where I wanna work forever, you know.
Got it. Where would we work, then?
Where would we--?
-We?
-Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Um, I don't know. Wherever.
It's Sarah. She's finally done it. Heh.
No, wait. Done what?
It makes perfect sense, too,
come to think of it.
If you were gonna choose someone
over me, it should be her.
I mean, she is, unironically speaking,
awesome.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-So can I be completely honest?
-Yeah.
I miss the Wienerlicious.
The Bavarian charm
and the toxic nacho cheese you had--
My clothes smelled like sausage.
Nostalgia completely gone.
[CHUCKLES]
So, what's up?
You wanna go on a date sometime?
I mean, a date without aliases
and spy gear and a mission.
Oh, like a real date?
Yeah.
Chuck, ahem, I'm still a CIA agent...
...and there are a hundred reasons
why I shouldn't do that.
What do you have to loose?
In a week, you're gonna be undercover
in Jakarta...
...in a knife fight with some evildoer,
and in that exact moment...
...you're gonna wish that you would've
spent one last night of fun with me.
Okay.
-Really?
-Mm-hm.
Tonight.
-Our first real date.
-Or our second first date.
No gunfight, I promise.
-Okay.
-Okay.
[SILENCED GUNSHOT]
[SILENCED GUNSHOT]
[SILENCED GUNSHOT]
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
CHUCK: Hey.
-Hey. Date tonight?
Yeah, yeah, we're gonna go grab
some Chinese food...
...and maybe hit The Echo.
Did you hear that, Devon?
Do you recognize the sound
of a proper date when you hear it?
My tank's empty, babe.
That's my future husband.
What about you? Any revelations?
Any ideas about
what you're gonna do next?
Um, yeah, a few.
If you say, "pilot the Millennium Falcon,"
I will hit you.
I-- Why would I say that? That's absurd.
I'm gonna be a ninja assassin.
-No, try again.
-Um....
-Olympic--
-Uh-uh.
Secret agent.
This is what happens when you sit
in front of the television set too long.
Seriously. What are you gonna do?
I don't know. I've got bunch of ideas...
...bunch of things to think about
and choose from.
I wanna go finish college.
I think that's important.
And I wanna travel and....
I don't know. I wanna learn an obscure
language that only cool people know.
Oddly, not one of my dreams...
...includes working at Buy More
for another week.
Huh. Well, look who's growing up.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That'll be Sarah.
What's up, dude?
I know you have a date.
Just I was wondering
if you have five to 45 minutes...
...to test out
a new "Call of Duty" strategy.
Chuck?
Baby steps, sis. Baby steps.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Yeah?
-Messenger.
[CONSOLE BEEPS]
Pick-up call placed
by one G. Beckman.
-Verification code?
-Morning glory.
Mm-hm.
Where's your backup?
[COUGHING]
[CASEY THUDS]
It's done. I've got the cipher.
Go to the second location.
We have two more targets.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Ready to go?
-Yeah.
SARAH:
Wow, this food is good.
How'd you hear
about this place anyway?
Morgan, as a matter of fact.
The man has a black belt in dumplings.
I trust any recommendation he gives me
for food items less than $10.
So our first date
is a Morgan recommendation?
Wow, no faith in the little bearded man.
Okay.
I think you should know, he's always been
supportive of our fake relationship.
And he's never found it
remotely unbelievable...
...that a guy like me
could be dating, um, ahem.
-You know.
-What?
[CHUCK CHUCKLES]
Um....
You know, you.
What about me?
[CHUCKLES]
You're really gonna make me say it,
aren't you?
You-- Wow, okay, fine.
All right. We'll play it your way.
A girl like you.
Or more appropriately, a woman like you.
Considering the fact that you could probably
kick the ass of everyone in this joint.
And, uh, a smart one, at that.
Not to mention cool.
And....
Extremely beautiful and--
And you can stop me anytime
with the compliments if they're becoming....
No, that was, uh, very sweet.
"Sweet"? Golly, gee.
Thanks for making me feel like I'm 8.
[LAUGHS]
Well, you're not so bad yourself.
Please. I'm fantastic.
Yeah, you are.
What would Casey think
if he knew we were doing this?
-It would probably kill him.
CHUCK: Ha-ha.
[COUGHING]
Sorry, sir.
[YELLING]
So does it say where you're going next?
Your new mission?
-Actually, it does.
-Really?
No, not really.
Besides, it doesn't work that way.
They'll probably give me a new cover...
...and move me as far away from here
as possible.
What if they didn't?
Chuck, a CIA officer
doesn't get to choose.
You know, I still have
an awful lot of secrets in my head.
The Lindbergh baby.
The formula for New Coke.
What are you saying, Chuck?
What I've always wanted to say, Sarah.
No, no, no. Not now, not now.
Huh? Oh, oh.
[WHIMPERING]
-Chuck, what is it?
-We're surrounded.
[GUNS COCK]
CHUCK: Sarah, you have your gun, right?
-Nope.
-What? Why not?
-You don't bring a gun on a real date.
COLT:
Hello again, Chuck.
-And you are...?
-My name is Mr. Colt.
And I need you to come with me.
Now, why would we do that, Mr. Colt?
Because I assume you find me imposing.
Don't worry, be honest.
I'm going for imposing.
Mission accomplished.
COLT:
Well, I tell you what.
The people that hired me?
Give me the heebie-jeebies.
You know, when you put it
in context like that, I--
Let's go. We'll take care of the check.
Um, you know, are you sure?
The moo goo gai pan is very expensive here.
So we could probably go Dutch.
How much do bad guys normally tip?
SARAH: Unh! Aah!
CHUCK: Sarah!
-Sarah.
-Move and she dies.
[WATCH BEEPING]
What is that?
It's a homing device.
[TIRES SCREECH OUTSIDE]
Is that a Crown Victoria?
Move!
[ALL SCREAMING]
-Hey, somebody order drive-through?
SARAH: Chuck, get up.
CHUCK: We gotta go.
SARAH: Get in the car.
[CASEY GRUNTS]
SARAH: Casey, drive.
CHUCK: Drive, drive, drive!
[YELLING]
"Somebody order drive-through," huh?
Think that up as you were racing over?
"Maybe I'll say this after I crash
into the restaurant."
We have to go back
and find out who they work for.
Too many of them. We can't.
Well, at least we still have the cipher.
Yeah, about that....
Looks like you're still the Intersect,
Chuck.
Sarah?
Don't worry, Chuck. We'll get it back.
[HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS' "THE
POWER OF LOVE" PLAYING ON RADIO]
MORGAN: Yo, Chucky Chuck,
got all the résumés together for you.
What?
The assistant-manager spot.
You have to pick our boss, man.
Ah, I'm making my decision now.
I want you to be the assistant manager.
Whoa, Chuck, relax for a second.
Let's think about this.
I have this perfect system
for doing as little work as possible.
It's a science, really, doing nothing.
A promotion at this point
would destroy all my hard work.
You're telling me I have no choice.
The die has been cast.
-I'm gonna be here every step of the way.
-That's comforting.
Okay, so the first interview up
is Anna Wu.
Um, okay, Anna. Well, your résumé
has some really interesting items.
-Is it true you're trained in the arts of--?
-Tell him to leave.
-Sorry, what?
-Tell Morgan to leave.
CHUCK: I'm trying to find
the right applicant, buddy. That's all.
-It's scented.
-Is it?
Oh, honey, will you close the door?
Thank you.
Thanks, sugar.
We're alone.
Anna, what exactly are you doing?
Relax. I like making my boyfriend nervous.
Howdy, howdy. Hey.
-Is this trash? Am I to throw this away?
-It's my résumé.
You've, uh-- You've been working here
since the store opened?
CHUCK:
Very detailed. Very thorough.
I'm noticing here
that you have a Wikipedia entry--
Bingo.
--of yourself.
I have a certain following.
What do you think he thinks
is happening in here right now?
An interview, I hope.
Well, um, you know,
that's actually something...
...that I never, ever wanted
to know about you.
-What else can I tell you?
-Nothing.
No more questions.
This guys needs professional help.
That's not--
That's not called for or welcome.
Very unwelcome, actually.
I take care of my friends, Chuck. I, uh....
[AS MARLON BRANDO]
I help those who help me.
[COUGHS]
Okay. We're at the Buy More
and this is not the Mafia.
Interesting, interesting.
Hey, whoa, Mr. Bartowski
is conducting an interview.
LESTER:
Oh, wow. This happens a lot, man.
Okay. Uh, Lester, could you excuse me
for a second?
Morgan, I need to talk to Casey by myself.
Thanks.
No, absolutely. It was great.
Take your résumé. Get out of here.
Morgan, now, now, now!
Move it, move it, move it. Shut the door.
-What is it?
-I know where they are.
-Who?
-What you mean who?
Colt. The guy who smashed you
in the face last night.
I flashed on your scar, it's the emblem
for their organization.
They have a secret hideout downtown.
Warehouse 17 on 103rd Street.
-We'll hop in the Herder and--
-Cool your jets. I'll call it in.
-No time. They could be on the move.
-Relax.
I'm not gonna rush into a hideout situation
until I'm certain we have the upper hand.
We'll get the cipher.
It just may take some time.
Casey, I can't take this anymore.
Do you understand?
I cannot do this anymore.
I almost died twice in the period of one day,
all right?
And when I'm looking at my life
and what my future could be...
...I see that it doesn't completely suck.
Your new Intersect is almost done.
And when it is, I'm free, I'm cool, I'm out.
I have a future and a life
that I wanna live.
Future's a dangerous thing.
Doesn't always work out
like you want it to.
What happened to you?
You were this close to being done with me,
and being a real spy again.
Why? You don't you want me here
to catch you when you fall?
No, as a matter of fact, I'd rather
have you flying jets and blowing things up.
Wait here.
[DOOR OPENS]
[PHONE DIALING]
-What about the interviews?
-What?
-Oh, I don't know, but you're in charge.
-No, no, I can't do the interviews.
I don't make decisions like that.
People talk to me, I just nod my head.
I'd be making the decision blind.
Fine, fine, fine. Use your own method.
I trust you.
Really?
Think that's such a good idea?
What is my method?
Hey, what's happening?
You're going down there.
We're on it, Chuck.
-What's back there?
-Well, like the sign says, yogurt and fun.
Let me come along.
You gotta bring Charles Carmichael.
Debonair super spy who also happens
to have the Intersect in his head?
I can help you guys.
Charles Carmichael isn't your real name,
Chuck. You made him up.
You're just Chuck Bartowski
and you're not real spy, huh.
We have a tactical team meeting us.
We'll take down Colt and find the cipher.
And you go back to work.
Don't worry about the Buy More.
I put Morgan in charge.
He's got it under control.
Welcome to Thunderdome.
It is the ancient way.
To the victor go the spoils.
One of them
will be the new assistant manager.
And one of them will be Jeff.
The fates will decide.
Begin!
[CROWD SHOUTING]
Anna? Jeff? Lester?
Bartowski. Computer emergency.
-Hey, where is everybody?
-Don't care.
Just got a call for Nerd Herd help.
They said they got
a recommendation for you.
Can I send someone else
or did they ask for me?
You know I hate taking calls. Get going.
CASEY:
Go, go, go. Okay, open up.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
AGENT: Clear.
-Chuck was wrong.
Or he was right
and we didn't move fast enough.
Buy More Nerd Herd. Hello?
I'm here about the...
...computer emergency.
Hello, Chuck. Come on in.
Call Chuck. I got a feeling.
[PHONE DIALING]
Nothing. I'll try Buy More.
[PHONE DIALING]
[LINE RINGING]
-Yo.
-Morgan, where's Chuck?
So, uh, what seems to be
your computer problem?
Here's the problem, Chuck.
You saw my face
and you heard my voice.
That's not a problem.
I forget things all the time. Ask my sister.
Her birthday, my social security number.
Just anything. Ask me, I'll forget it.
[BONES POPPING]
-What exactly are you doing?
-I'm stretching, getting limber.
Why are you doing that?
Ah, so I won't pull a muscle
when I break your neck.
Maybe you should get limber too.
Where you going?
There's nobody here to help you.
Oh, your friends, that's right.
They're next on my to-do list.
See, you walked into a trap, Chuck.
If that is your real name.
My name is Charles Carmichael.
I'm a CIA agent, and this is my trap.
I don't think you gentlemen realize
the gravity of the predicament you're in.
That phone call you made
to the Buy More? Yeah, we traced that.
Your compound is currently surrounded
by 23 infantry troopers, 16 snipers...
...seven heavy gunners,
four demolitions experts...
...enough ammunition
to orbit Arnold Schwarzenegger.
You're outmatched and outgunned.
Those pea shooters might as well
be sharp sticks and strong language.
-Nothing there, boss.
-Looks clear.
[LAUGHS]
-Good try, Chuck.
-Of course you don't see anyone.
Who do you think we are, FBI?
The only thing you'll see is a muzzle flash,
followed by an e-ticket straight to hell.
So make the smart choice
and why don't you hand over the cipher?
-Ah.
-Wait, wait, wait.
I think that, uh....
I think that you might wanna hear this.
[LINE RINGING]
MORGAN: Hey, Chuck.
-Hey, Morgan.
MORGAN:
Yeah, Chuck?
I'd like you to tell me the exact specs
for the team surrounding the compound.
-The whole shebang?
CHUCK: The whole shebang.
Yes, sir.
We have 23 infantry troopers, 16 snipers,
seven gunners, four demolitions experts.
I got impatient
and we took out one of the sentries.
Don't worry. It was a headshot.
Couldn't warn his buddies.
It was awesome, man.
His head exploded like a watermelon.
-Thanks, Morgan.
-They must have got Fritz.
I thought he was in the can.
One more time.
Give up.
COLT:
He's either lying or he's crazy.
Check everywhere.
Don't let anything get past you.
[GRUNTS]
CASEY [OVER RADIO]: This is Agents Casey
and Walker. We're en route.
Ha, ha-- Aah! Oh!
Don't move.
Please don't move?
[BOTH GRUNT]
[GRUNTS]
[CHUCK COUGHING]
Hey, no, no.
COLT: Hand it over.
-What will you do if I give it to you?
[CHUCK WHIMPERING]
To be honest, I'll drop you.
This is what I'm talking about.
We gotta work on your negotiating skills.
How about this, you pull me back up
and we just discuss this like adults?
-You know what?
-What?
Freeze!
It ain't worth it.
No!
[BOTH GRUNT]
Oh, God.
Your boyfriend is dead.
Now, baby, what you gonna do?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
-You--
-Yeah. I catch you when you fall.
-It's touching, really.
-No, I love you.
Keep it in your pants, Bartowski.
Now get downstairs.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SARAH GASPS]
[SARAH GRUNTS]
[SARAH COUGHS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Enough with the foreplay.
Step away from the blond.
Ah, you know, you've gotta
put that gun down.
Because you're surrounded.
Meet the rest of my men. Ha-ha-ha.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hi.
Sorry to, uh....
Uh, I'm sorry to interrupt
whatever's going on here...
...but, uh, Mr. Colt,
I just wanted you to meet my team.
Tell me something,
do you find them imposing?
Go ahead. You can be honest.
I was going for imposing.
-Chuck?
-Carmichael.
Agent Carmichael.
Maybe you could go ahead
and put your weapons down.
[SIRENS WAILING]
CHUCK:
I said, put your weapons down.
Oh, there you go.
And then the hands up
to imply that your hands are empty.
-Your boss, Carmichael.
-What?
He's good.
Don't worry, I'm fine.
Do you have the cipher?
Please tell me you have it.
Of course I have it. It's me.
[SIGHS]
BECKMAN [OVER COMPUTER]:
Ahem, Major Casey.
Hope I'm not interrupting.
-The new Intersect ready?
-We're minutes away.
-Which means....
-Your order remains the same.
Chuck Bartowski is to be eliminated.
[SIGHS]
What was that, Casey?
Nothing, general.
It's just....
Chuck served his country with honor.
Maybe he even has potential
as an analyst.
-I understand--
GRAHAM: Let me, general.
Major Casey, can you extract these secrets
from Mr. Bartowski's head?
Can you guarantee him safety
from kidnapping, from torture?
-No.
-Then it's clear.
Chuck Bartowski has served
his country with honor.
Now he'll die with honor to protect it.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
ELLIE:
Sure you can handle it?
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, I think I can do this. Thank you.
I wanted to cook dinner for Sarah
for a while, so....
You have many skills,
but the kitchen is not one.
Oh, but that's why they call it
Hamburger Helper.
Hello?
Does most of the heavy lifting for me.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm making that chicken
with balsamic glaze.
-The one thing Dad taught me how to make.
-But Dad couldn't cook, either.
Babe, you ready?
The Mongolian BBQ beckons.
Going for the record, Chuck.
Seven pounds shredded beef.
-I've been fasting.
-Please let me help you.
The man has been on a hunger strike.
Come on. Go, eat. I'll be fine.
Are you sure about that?
Yeah.
Yes, I'll be fine.
Oh, hey, and I also had an idea
for what I'm gonna do.
I was thinking maybe, like,
Eurorail through Europe?
Uh, you know, backpacking,
that kind of thing.
-That sounds--
-Awesome.
Remind me to tell you
about Amsterdam, my man. Ha-ha-ha.
Lovely city, lot of canals.
Great idea. Good luck tonight.
-Good luck, buddy.
-Hey, you too.
And remember, buddy, pace yourself.
It's a marathon.
[LAUGHS]
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[MONITORS PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
[BEEPS]
[FLOOR CREAKS]
So, Sarah, what do you--
What do you think of, um--?
What do you think of Europe?
You, me, a couple of Eurorail passes,
just seeing the world.
"Seeing the world"? What the hell?
Ask her, just--
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Hi, Sarah.
-Chuck.
CHUCK: What is it?
-We have to call off the date.
The Intersect was destroyed.
What? But the cipher--
It was a Trojan horse. A sabotage device.
The moment it came online, it exploded.
-But that means--
SARAH: You're still the only Intersect.
I'm sorry.
[SIGHS]
[LESTER CLEARS THROAT]
-Hello, Charles.
-Chuck's fine.
Well, actually isn't.
You see, as the assistant manager
and your boss...
...it's my duty to inform you I've had
complaints from customers about you.
Oh, you have, have you?
Not specifically.
But I haven't had any compliments.
And in my book, that's the same thing.
Yeah? Good.
How's it going, Chuck?
How's it going? That's a--
That's a great question.
I'll tell you, buddy.
I just had a vision, okay?
A vision of the rest of my life.
And you know what?
It takes place in the same outfit
behind the same desk...
...in this same store.
Gotcha. Talk to Dr. Morgan.
It's safe. Go ahead.
I just thought I'd be going somewhere,
you know.
Not just metaphysically or spiritually,
though that too...
...but literally, I want out of Burbank to--
-Glendale?
-Ha-ha-ha.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
All right, listen. Look at me.
In all honesty, and I hope you know this.
I've always been of a mind
that you are destined for great things.
Whatever you wanna do, you can do.
All right? Senator, president,
emperor of the known universe.
Whatever you wanna do,
you understand?
-Okay.
-You're good.
But before you go change the world,
I think that I should tell you...
...that I'm currently on my way
to securing 45 Twinkies.
Now, by which I mean
45 bags of Twinkies.
Why would you do that?
Good question. Because Jeff said
he'd eat them in under three minutes.
Now, he thinks he's eating 45...
...but technically speaking,
he agreed to eat 90.
-Ninety?
-Yeah.
Nobody can eat 90 Twinkies.
That's what I said, dude. He may die.
Or at least do extreme damage
to several major organs.
This I have to see.
Good to see you, Bartowski.
Casey, 90 Twinkies in three minutes.
Be there.
MORGAN:
Jeff might die.
[MORGAN LAUGHS]
[ENGLISH SDH]