Children Ruin Everything (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Bodies - full transcript
Pressured to not look "like a dad" for an upcoming work event, James takes his kids out on a shopping trip. Seán Cullen guest stars.
The body is a miracle.
You work it, it gets stronger.
You hurt it, it repairs itself.
I launched two babies from this
body and I'm still truckin'.
Unfortunately, kids bodies
are miracles too.
Viv, there's no Jell-O
in that box.
It's literally just powder. Viv!
Viv. Get back here.
Stronger, tireless miracles.
Sure, I still get bursts
of activity.
But I wouldn't exactly
call it exercise.
- I'm hungry.
- I know!
- What?
- I hurt my neck.
By turning my head.
- Oh.
Can I have some grapes?
My body used to be
a temple.
Now it's a jungle gym.
- Thanks for stopping by.
- Yeah, no, I mean,
you sent me a text with
a knife emoji saying I had to.
- And you did.
Because you're reliable.
And that's the kind of guy
that I want by my side
when the corporate
bloodbath begins
and a new bigwig rises
amid the chaos.
Me. Obviously.
- Right. I don't
love visualizing
like a bath full of blood,
it's jus--
- You get a stronger tummy,
James.
Gero's Grocery is opening
four new franchises.
That means opportunity's afoot
and you are my top guy.
- Oh! Okay.
- Which brings me to
why you're here.
How you're dressed.
- Oh.
- You're dressed like a dad.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry, Marla. I just had
one clean shirt left today
and my son was making
this thing where he mixes butter
with hot chocolate powder
for like a gross bagel spread.
- I don't need the podcast
on your life, James.
Next week, there is a
groundbreaking
for the newest franchise.
You and your wife are gonna
be there to meet Mr. Gero.
- I mean, I'll have to check to
see if she can make that, but--
- Sure. Doesn't have to be
the real wife, but sure.
- I'm gonna try
for my real wife.
- I need him to love you, James.
I need him to see that youngish
go-getter that I've described.
- Okay.
I might have to bring
my daughter.
- God, no.
Kids are career killers.
I want him to think that your
only focus is this company.
So, no kids, and wear something
not so...
- Okay. Yeah, no, no.
- I got it. So...
♪
Astrid?
Does this shirt look backwards?
- Maybe. Where's the tag?
- There isn't one.
- That's stupid. Why'd you buy
such a stupid shirt?
- Bo made it for me.
And that's how
it's supposed to look?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that still looks
backwards.
- I can't go in like this.
Do you have just a plain
silk blouse I could borrow?
Um, I have
a hooded fleece you can borrow.
- I'm not gonna choose
a worse problem.
- Why are you moving like that?
- I hurt my neck
because I'm out of shape.
Didn't realize I was supposed
to consult a physician
before turning my head!
- You should book a session
with Pascale.
He's the fitness trainer I offer
in all my severance packages.
- Right. Just because
you're letting them go
doesn't mean they need to
let themselves go.
- Better they work their
frustrations out in a gym
than turn a gun on me
or my family.
- Hey, Vivian.
- Hi.
Cute bra.
- You know what?
- I don't need a trainer.
I'm naturally athletic.
I was captain
of the fields hockey team.
- Because you were a bully.
You were all bullies.
- No, I wasn't!
I was a beast who could chase
people down and hurt them
in ways that seem like
an accident, within the rules.
- I'm complicit.
I cheered at every game.
- Cheered? You screamed like
a witch on fire.
- I hate losing.
I'm sending you Pascale's number
just in case.
You know what? Screw it.
I'll just own it.
I'll make a joke like,
"Hey guys.
Didn't you get the memo?
It's bizarre shirt day."
- Hilarious. Then you just
fire everybody.
- HR doesn't just fire people.
I also resolve conflicts,
enact programs to support
and further develop talent.
- Yeah, I do the same thing here
but also laundry and story-time.
- You are amazing.
Look at me.
Still cheering for you.
But I should go.
Today I am firing someone.
Toodles!
♪
- Where's the duffel bag
full of bootleg DVDs
that goes with that outfit?
- Why's everyone so offended
by my hoodie?
- This is supposed to be
a professional environment
- Really?
- What did Marla want? To show
you pictures of her scorpion?
- No. I'm supposed to meet
Mr. Gero.
She wants me to stop dressing
like a dad.
Geez. Put the knife
down, Marla.
- I am a dad.
- Yeah, but to say that
you dress like one,
that's...
- There are billions of dads.
We don't all dress the same.
- Yeah. There's billions
of fathers. You are a dad.
With a dad haircut.
And a dad outfit
with dad pockets.
How much stuff you got
in your pockets right now?
- It's regul... It's pockets!
I don't know. Keys, wallet.
Regular pocket stuff.
Look, lip balm.
Phone, doll's head.
Pockets are for carrying.
What's the problem?
- There's no problem.
Dads dress like you.
Cool people dress like me.
And Jeff Goldblum.
- When I meet Mr. Gero,
I will be dressed nice
and have empty pockets. Okay?
I can put together
a few nice pieces.
- Pieces? Like what?
Cummerbund and a Tilley hat?
- Yeah? Where do you go
to buy clothes that's so great?
And can you take me there
and help me choose them, please?
- Okay. You can watch two
episodes of Scoop McDooby
but that's it, okay?
Mommy's gonna workout.
- I'm covered in snakes!
- Fun. But I need those.
- No.
- Viv. Those are my
resistance bands.
You can use them after me.
- You could use them after me.
- Fine.
Oh, my God! A dead mouse!
- Oh, my God! Snakes!
- Do I look like a dad to you?
- No.
You look like husband to me
because I don't have
those issues.
- I love how well-adjusted
you are.
Hello.
- Hi.
Um, Felix starts baseball
this weekend
and we still haven't paid.
- It's also three-mortgage-
payment month.
- Yeah. And I also wanna hire
Dawn's trainer so I can get
strong enough to caber toss
Viv into the neighbor's yard.
- God, I also need work clothes.
Let me consult the budget.
Money. We used to spend
it all on ourselves. So nice.
But kids are crazy expensive.
We try to follow
a budget
but our selfish kids wanna eat,
take lessons and have clothes.
There are surprises.
Like a raccoon family
moves into your roof,
or your car needs new
everything. So you have to make
sacrifices,
be creative and frugal.
Or, another great option,
go into debt.
- Okay. I think I got it.
We're gonna have to cut cable.
- I cut cable months ago.
- Did not notice that.
So, good call.
How much does it cost
to get swole?
- Only a couple of sessions.
So 150 tops.
- Okay. Does Viv need to
eat lunch everyday?
- Yes.
She also asked for a horse.
- For lunch?
- To ride.
- Mm. I'm a hard no on that one.
- Yeah. Okay.
Why don't we put your clothes
and the trainer
on the credit card and then
worry about that next month?
You know you are a genius.
Thank you, credit card.
- All right. Kids!
Food's ready, let's eat!
And four,
and three...
two more, and...
- ...rest.
Yeah! That's good.
- That's hard. That's hard.
I feel it but I... I can feel my
muscles waking up.
- Yes, because you are
a powerful goddess.
The storm is over.
Blue skies are ahead.
- That's a bit much, but yeah.
- It was great.
I mean, you lost your job
but not your motivation.
- No, no. No, I didn't lose
my job. I'm Dawn's sister.
- Oh. It's interesting.
- I have to say I'm a little
self-conscious doing this
in front of all these people.
It's like we're busking.
- Don't worry.
Everyone's looking at me.
But, you are killing it.
Can't believe you had two kids.
- Oh.
- Well, I actually feel like
I've never loved my body
more than when I was pregnant.
- Well, pregnant bodies make me
low-key sick.
But, you're doing good.
- Okay.
- Let's do squats.
- Okay.
- You're ready?
- Yup.
Yeah.
- No, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah yeah.
I used to play
a lot of field hockey.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Well then, we'll see how far
you can push it.
- Okay.
- Now give me some sumo squats.
Spread 'em wide, mama. Let's go.
- Let's go!
- Let's go!
- You are a powerful goddess.
- Okay.
- Uh-huh. Dig deep.
- Oh! Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Oh, no! Oh, no, no.
I just peed.
- Then you dug
a little too deep.
- Oh, God! Oh!
What? No.
- Astrid.
- Yes, come in.
- I have a plant for you
to have.
- No. That's gonna die
and then just be a bowl of dirt
that makes me feel guilty.
- I'll just leave it here.
So... how are you?
- Good. Yeah, good.
- Pascale told me
you peed your pants.
- Could you kindly tell Pascale
to shut the hell up?
That was so humiliating for me.
- Hey, it's me.
I love you no matter
where you pee.
Pants, toilet,
the parking lot
at Canada's Wonderland
while we missed the fireworks.
- Oh, my God! I held my pee
for the entire day.
The roller coaster,
the drop tower.
Now I'll probably leak
going through the turnstile.
- It's natural.
You had two kids.
The last one left the barn door
open and warped the frame.
- So, do you think
this is gonna happen again?
- I don't know.
- Oh, my God!
- You could try those
cute period underwear.
Like adult pull ups.
- Wow, okay. Thanks, Dawn.
I need you to be supportive
and you're telling me
to wear diaper
and referring to
my junk as a barn.
- I'm sorry. You know what?
Go get checked up.
I have this great OB-GYN
on Ossington.
She is a pelvic floor
specialist.
I'll text you her number.
- No, I don't wanna tell
anyone else about this.
I'd like to keep my dignity
and just let this quietly haunt
me for the rest of my life.
- She is very good,
and if nothing else,
maybe she can
put your mind at ease.
- Nice purse.
- Bo's been busy.
- His Etsy shop is starting
to blow-up.
Call her.
Love you.
♪
We can share them,
but I want my whole cookie.
Okay.
- Daddy, where are we?
- Wow.
- This is Phase, Felix.
It's an upscale men's store.
Normally someone like you
wouldn't be allowed in here
but then again,
neither would your father.
- These are
straight outta the dryer.
- Uncle Ennis, watch.
- Is that good?
James, could she not
do that before?
- I thought it was great,
Wonder Girl.
- Is this good, Uncle Ennis?
A jump.
Nice. Watch me take this step.
Hey, did you ask them
to call me Uncle Ennis?
Because I do not like it.
- What's the matter?
It's adorable.
- No, it isn't.
I am not related to any kids
and I like that about me.
Can I help you?
- Yes. No, I don't know.
- Uh, my friend James here
just got out of prison
and he is raring to go
and ready to re-acclimate
into society.
- No, no. I am not... I'm from
society, I was never in jail.
Although we don't judge the
incarcerated. System's broken.
- Can I help you find
anything in particular?
- I was...
- I'm looking for a nice shirt.
- A little purse.
- I'm thirsty.
- Okay.
Where you go-- Okay.
Let's just put that...
- Do they have to be in here?
- Yes, they have to be. Come on.
I need your help.
- I don't have a time machine
and a vasectomy gun.
So, there's only so much
I can do.
But I can help you
with the clothes.
We're looking for something
that says
"professional
but fashion forward."
Something that says "I have in
no way given up on life."
- Perfect. Let me find you
a few items.
Okay. Thank you.
Hmm. What do you
think about her, Felix?
- She seems
like a nice teenager.
- Solid reprimand.
That is... You are now
my favorite, officially.
Viv, step up your game
a little bit.
What are you doing back there?
- Nothing.
♪
So, you are having
pee problems?
Yeah, I guess I've had
the occasional dribble
if I've sneezed hard
or I re-watch Baby Mama.
You know that movie? Baby Mama?
- Of course, I know that movie.
- But you know
my youngest is four,
so I just figured that all my...
all my stuff had snapped back.
- No.
- Okay.
- Alley-oop!
- Cool.
- And just relax for me.
- Okay.
- I'd like you to try
kegel for me.
- Okay, sure.
- Go ahead.
- I'm doing it.
Am I not doing it?
- Let's try this.
When I hold up one finger, I
want you to squeeze your vagina.
When I hold up two fingers,
tighten your anus
but not your bum.
Three fingers,
contract your urethra.
Okay?
- Sure.
Should I also wiggle my liver
and move my spleen up and down?
- Nope.
- Okay.
- Nope.
Again.
- Nope.
- Ow.
- Good.
- Okay.
- No.
- Oh.
- Okay. Squeeze.
I am.
- No.
- This feedback is devastating.
- Your pelvic floor continued to
atrophy since your last child.
I'll give you some exercises
to do everyday
and in time... you'll regain
muscle tone.
- Okay. 'Cause wha...
'Cause we were thinking about
maybe having another baby.
- Oh. It would take
a lot of work
to get back
to where you are now.
- Right.
- Sluggish clenching,
feeble sphincters.
You need to train everyday
like an athlete.
- Actually, I am an athlete.
Yeah. Big field hockey star
in high school. So...
Do you mind if I just stay here
for a few minutes.
It's nice to lie down.
- Sure.
♪
- What are you...
- I'm doing kegel workout.
- Right now?
- Yeah, I'm almost done.
Supposed to imagine I'm picking
up pearls with my urethra.
- You'd make a heck
of a jewel thief.
Don't make me laugh.
What did you do?
- I made a terrible decision
about work clothes.
- Oh, nice. How much?
Mm.
Was that a wince
or a really big pearl?
- One just flowed
into the other.
- I'm gonna return these.
- No, it's fine. We'll just
carry a bit more debt.
I wanna start work in the fall.
Buy a yacht, it'd be great.
- Yeah.
But...
how long will you be at work
though if,
you know, a baby happens?
- Depends how fast it happens.
We could start now.
- Hmm. So you're still
in baby town?
- I am. Where you at?
- I mean, how can we afford it?
- Well, Pascale said
I didn't have to pay him
because he made me
piss my pants.
- Okay. That's not
the most reliable discount.
- I could make it work.
- It's not just the money.
'Cause we're finally getting
time back for us.
For you to workout.
For me to shop better.
- Did you not find something
nice for that amount of money?
- I panicked.
- What did you get?
- Red pants.
- What? Red?
- Ennis said they popped.
I don't know what
I'm supposed to like anymore.
- Not things that pop.
- I'm just... This is my problem
with having another kid.
I love our kids. I just feel
like I'm losing myself.
- Um, honestly, well...
you've never been cool.
And I just find it
irresistibly adorable.
- You're doing your exercises
right now, aren't you?
- You can feel that?
♪
♪
- Well, hello there.
- Hi, Uncle Ennis.
- I'm not responding to that.
Who is this handsome gentleman?
- It's Daddy.
- Uh-huh. Astrid,
what do you think?
- Yeah, I like it.
You look like
a king of the flight attendants.
- Flight attendants get a lot of
ass, so that's good.
James, why is your kid here?
- Uh, hi, Marla. I've two kids.
This one refuses to stay
with the sitter
but also refused to get dressed.
- Okay. Hi, Astrid.
- Marla.
- Okay. This is a huge disaster.
Can we just pretend
that she's with Ennis?
- Oh. I don't think
that's gonna work
because I don't wanna do that.
- This is a mess. Just go home.
Mr. Gero can hate you.
Speak of the devil.
- Marla, can we start?
My shins are killing me.
- James, meet the man who signs
your checks.
- Oh. Well, the checks are...
sweet, uh, thank you and...
- Just stop.
- Hello.
I've read emails about you.
- James is our top dog.
This is his wife, Astrid.
She used to work with the City.
Her birthday is in March.
- Hi. When is your birthday?
- Sadly, it's today.
- Oh.
- Yay. Happy Birthday.
- Wow.
Just to circle back real quick.
Um...
I love the job...
first, then the checks. So...
Hope that checks out!
- Why are you doing this?
- I don't know.
- Anybody gonna introduce me
or...? No one...
- Nanima got me new pajama.
- Who is this?
- Oh. This is
our daughter Vivian.
- Hmm.
Wish I wore my pajamas today.
- Happy birthday.
Thanks.
Now, I wish I had a little girl.
See, I had a son. Julian.
He's picking his acne.
- Oh.
- Leave it alone, boy.
He's no fun.
- Too bad.
- Oh, too bad.
You're fun.
- He has a kid.
I thought you said that
Gero thought
that kids were "career killers."
- No. That's just my opinion.
Seems like your kid is in.
Let's exploit this.
Oh, oh.
No, no, no, sweetie. It's okay.
That's just Baggie.
He's a mascot, he's fun.
He carries your food.
- Inside of his body.
Which is actually weird
if you think about it.
Hi, Mr. Gero.
I'm Ennis, by the way.
- It's all right, sweetheart.
Don't worry about it.
You don't like Baggie.
Neither do I.
Go on. Get out of here.
Baggie, nobody wants you here.
You scared my friend.
Oh. Looks like the
photographer's ready.
- Okay. It's show time.
Let's get Vivian and her parents
in the shot.
- Oh.
- Come on, Vivian.
- No, actually she doesn't go
with strangers.
- There we go.
- Unless I'm right behind.
- James, you're in the the pic.
You've breached the castle
walls. Thumbs up.
Ennis, Baggies council.
Go deal with him, okay. Thanks.
- Oh, is that what I'm here for?
To deal with Baggie?
All right everyone,
are we ready? It looks like rain
okay?
- James.
- Mm.
- Your pants. They're red.
- Yeah.
- Why?
Oh. There she is. Hi, Vivian.
- Hi.
- Uh. Stand up
straight, Nosferatu.
- All right, everyone.
Are we ready?
- I'll get her.
- No. I will.
♪
- Oh, no! Oh, God. oh.
Okay.
- That was incredible.
You're a beast.
- I peed myself when I
picked her up again.
- All right. On the count of
three, everybody say "Gero's."
One, two and three!
Gero's.
So happy they gave me
a framed photo of this.
- Yeah, the red pants really
draw the eye.
- I hate it. It's all I can see.
I'm never wearing them again.
- No, you have to.
You paid too much for them.
Make 'em your Christmas pants.
And your Valentine's pants.
And your spaghetti pants.
- I like those pants, Dad.
They look like blood.
Like your legs got all cut up
and bloody.
- Mm.
- Yeah,
that's pretty cool, right?
- I love your old pants.
Oh.
Yeah, me too, sweetie.
I'm gonna put this in a drawer.
- Hey, give that back!
Give that back!
- She went that way.
She went that way.
- Aha! Yes, I got it! And I have
the money and you are nothing.
- Nothing.
- Hey!
The body is a miracle.
You can handle so much pain.
Speak for yourself.
Even as you begin
that phase in your life
where hangovers
lasts for days...
And you can pull
a muscle
in your back
just by stretching...
...you can still feel
so much joy and pleasure.
So while it's easy
to judge yourself
for not being
as strong as you were...
Or for looking
like a dad.
Or, in my case, a DILF.
Oh, you're a total DILF.
Thank you.
You gotta follow
your kids' examples.
They don't care
what they look like.
And they think
they're invincible.
More importantly,
they think we're cool,
strong and beautiful.
Until they're like
eleven, so enjoy it.
I think we should take
a little rest.
- I wanna crush you some more!
- No, I think we're done
crushing daddy.
- Crush me, crush me.
- No. You know what? You can
crush your sister. Okay? Gently.
- Upstairs.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God!
- My neck.
My neck.
- I mean, you're gonna
get critics.
There's gonna be people who
don't like what you do.
I was a DJ.
You think everybody liked
every song I played?
You know what? Can I make
a suggestion?
Unsolicited advice?
What about, like a, face?
You know what I mean?
Couple of eyes.
Even just a mouth would be
really lightening up for people,
you know.
Make you a bit more accessible.
Julian, what do you think?
Yeah? A face
would be nice, right?
You get it.
You work it, it gets stronger.
You hurt it, it repairs itself.
I launched two babies from this
body and I'm still truckin'.
Unfortunately, kids bodies
are miracles too.
Viv, there's no Jell-O
in that box.
It's literally just powder. Viv!
Viv. Get back here.
Stronger, tireless miracles.
Sure, I still get bursts
of activity.
But I wouldn't exactly
call it exercise.
- I'm hungry.
- I know!
- What?
- I hurt my neck.
By turning my head.
- Oh.
Can I have some grapes?
My body used to be
a temple.
Now it's a jungle gym.
- Thanks for stopping by.
- Yeah, no, I mean,
you sent me a text with
a knife emoji saying I had to.
- And you did.
Because you're reliable.
And that's the kind of guy
that I want by my side
when the corporate
bloodbath begins
and a new bigwig rises
amid the chaos.
Me. Obviously.
- Right. I don't
love visualizing
like a bath full of blood,
it's jus--
- You get a stronger tummy,
James.
Gero's Grocery is opening
four new franchises.
That means opportunity's afoot
and you are my top guy.
- Oh! Okay.
- Which brings me to
why you're here.
How you're dressed.
- Oh.
- You're dressed like a dad.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry, Marla. I just had
one clean shirt left today
and my son was making
this thing where he mixes butter
with hot chocolate powder
for like a gross bagel spread.
- I don't need the podcast
on your life, James.
Next week, there is a
groundbreaking
for the newest franchise.
You and your wife are gonna
be there to meet Mr. Gero.
- I mean, I'll have to check to
see if she can make that, but--
- Sure. Doesn't have to be
the real wife, but sure.
- I'm gonna try
for my real wife.
- I need him to love you, James.
I need him to see that youngish
go-getter that I've described.
- Okay.
I might have to bring
my daughter.
- God, no.
Kids are career killers.
I want him to think that your
only focus is this company.
So, no kids, and wear something
not so...
- Okay. Yeah, no, no.
- I got it. So...
♪
Astrid?
Does this shirt look backwards?
- Maybe. Where's the tag?
- There isn't one.
- That's stupid. Why'd you buy
such a stupid shirt?
- Bo made it for me.
And that's how
it's supposed to look?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that still looks
backwards.
- I can't go in like this.
Do you have just a plain
silk blouse I could borrow?
Um, I have
a hooded fleece you can borrow.
- I'm not gonna choose
a worse problem.
- Why are you moving like that?
- I hurt my neck
because I'm out of shape.
Didn't realize I was supposed
to consult a physician
before turning my head!
- You should book a session
with Pascale.
He's the fitness trainer I offer
in all my severance packages.
- Right. Just because
you're letting them go
doesn't mean they need to
let themselves go.
- Better they work their
frustrations out in a gym
than turn a gun on me
or my family.
- Hey, Vivian.
- Hi.
Cute bra.
- You know what?
- I don't need a trainer.
I'm naturally athletic.
I was captain
of the fields hockey team.
- Because you were a bully.
You were all bullies.
- No, I wasn't!
I was a beast who could chase
people down and hurt them
in ways that seem like
an accident, within the rules.
- I'm complicit.
I cheered at every game.
- Cheered? You screamed like
a witch on fire.
- I hate losing.
I'm sending you Pascale's number
just in case.
You know what? Screw it.
I'll just own it.
I'll make a joke like,
"Hey guys.
Didn't you get the memo?
It's bizarre shirt day."
- Hilarious. Then you just
fire everybody.
- HR doesn't just fire people.
I also resolve conflicts,
enact programs to support
and further develop talent.
- Yeah, I do the same thing here
but also laundry and story-time.
- You are amazing.
Look at me.
Still cheering for you.
But I should go.
Today I am firing someone.
Toodles!
♪
- Where's the duffel bag
full of bootleg DVDs
that goes with that outfit?
- Why's everyone so offended
by my hoodie?
- This is supposed to be
a professional environment
- Really?
- What did Marla want? To show
you pictures of her scorpion?
- No. I'm supposed to meet
Mr. Gero.
She wants me to stop dressing
like a dad.
Geez. Put the knife
down, Marla.
- I am a dad.
- Yeah, but to say that
you dress like one,
that's...
- There are billions of dads.
We don't all dress the same.
- Yeah. There's billions
of fathers. You are a dad.
With a dad haircut.
And a dad outfit
with dad pockets.
How much stuff you got
in your pockets right now?
- It's regul... It's pockets!
I don't know. Keys, wallet.
Regular pocket stuff.
Look, lip balm.
Phone, doll's head.
Pockets are for carrying.
What's the problem?
- There's no problem.
Dads dress like you.
Cool people dress like me.
And Jeff Goldblum.
- When I meet Mr. Gero,
I will be dressed nice
and have empty pockets. Okay?
I can put together
a few nice pieces.
- Pieces? Like what?
Cummerbund and a Tilley hat?
- Yeah? Where do you go
to buy clothes that's so great?
And can you take me there
and help me choose them, please?
- Okay. You can watch two
episodes of Scoop McDooby
but that's it, okay?
Mommy's gonna workout.
- I'm covered in snakes!
- Fun. But I need those.
- No.
- Viv. Those are my
resistance bands.
You can use them after me.
- You could use them after me.
- Fine.
Oh, my God! A dead mouse!
- Oh, my God! Snakes!
- Do I look like a dad to you?
- No.
You look like husband to me
because I don't have
those issues.
- I love how well-adjusted
you are.
Hello.
- Hi.
Um, Felix starts baseball
this weekend
and we still haven't paid.
- It's also three-mortgage-
payment month.
- Yeah. And I also wanna hire
Dawn's trainer so I can get
strong enough to caber toss
Viv into the neighbor's yard.
- God, I also need work clothes.
Let me consult the budget.
Money. We used to spend
it all on ourselves. So nice.
But kids are crazy expensive.
We try to follow
a budget
but our selfish kids wanna eat,
take lessons and have clothes.
There are surprises.
Like a raccoon family
moves into your roof,
or your car needs new
everything. So you have to make
sacrifices,
be creative and frugal.
Or, another great option,
go into debt.
- Okay. I think I got it.
We're gonna have to cut cable.
- I cut cable months ago.
- Did not notice that.
So, good call.
How much does it cost
to get swole?
- Only a couple of sessions.
So 150 tops.
- Okay. Does Viv need to
eat lunch everyday?
- Yes.
She also asked for a horse.
- For lunch?
- To ride.
- Mm. I'm a hard no on that one.
- Yeah. Okay.
Why don't we put your clothes
and the trainer
on the credit card and then
worry about that next month?
You know you are a genius.
Thank you, credit card.
- All right. Kids!
Food's ready, let's eat!
And four,
and three...
two more, and...
- ...rest.
Yeah! That's good.
- That's hard. That's hard.
I feel it but I... I can feel my
muscles waking up.
- Yes, because you are
a powerful goddess.
The storm is over.
Blue skies are ahead.
- That's a bit much, but yeah.
- It was great.
I mean, you lost your job
but not your motivation.
- No, no. No, I didn't lose
my job. I'm Dawn's sister.
- Oh. It's interesting.
- I have to say I'm a little
self-conscious doing this
in front of all these people.
It's like we're busking.
- Don't worry.
Everyone's looking at me.
But, you are killing it.
Can't believe you had two kids.
- Oh.
- Well, I actually feel like
I've never loved my body
more than when I was pregnant.
- Well, pregnant bodies make me
low-key sick.
But, you're doing good.
- Okay.
- Let's do squats.
- Okay.
- You're ready?
- Yup.
Yeah.
- No, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah yeah.
I used to play
a lot of field hockey.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Well then, we'll see how far
you can push it.
- Okay.
- Now give me some sumo squats.
Spread 'em wide, mama. Let's go.
- Let's go!
- Let's go!
- You are a powerful goddess.
- Okay.
- Uh-huh. Dig deep.
- Oh! Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Oh, no! Oh, no, no.
I just peed.
- Then you dug
a little too deep.
- Oh, God! Oh!
What? No.
- Astrid.
- Yes, come in.
- I have a plant for you
to have.
- No. That's gonna die
and then just be a bowl of dirt
that makes me feel guilty.
- I'll just leave it here.
So... how are you?
- Good. Yeah, good.
- Pascale told me
you peed your pants.
- Could you kindly tell Pascale
to shut the hell up?
That was so humiliating for me.
- Hey, it's me.
I love you no matter
where you pee.
Pants, toilet,
the parking lot
at Canada's Wonderland
while we missed the fireworks.
- Oh, my God! I held my pee
for the entire day.
The roller coaster,
the drop tower.
Now I'll probably leak
going through the turnstile.
- It's natural.
You had two kids.
The last one left the barn door
open and warped the frame.
- So, do you think
this is gonna happen again?
- I don't know.
- Oh, my God!
- You could try those
cute period underwear.
Like adult pull ups.
- Wow, okay. Thanks, Dawn.
I need you to be supportive
and you're telling me
to wear diaper
and referring to
my junk as a barn.
- I'm sorry. You know what?
Go get checked up.
I have this great OB-GYN
on Ossington.
She is a pelvic floor
specialist.
I'll text you her number.
- No, I don't wanna tell
anyone else about this.
I'd like to keep my dignity
and just let this quietly haunt
me for the rest of my life.
- She is very good,
and if nothing else,
maybe she can
put your mind at ease.
- Nice purse.
- Bo's been busy.
- His Etsy shop is starting
to blow-up.
Call her.
Love you.
♪
We can share them,
but I want my whole cookie.
Okay.
- Daddy, where are we?
- Wow.
- This is Phase, Felix.
It's an upscale men's store.
Normally someone like you
wouldn't be allowed in here
but then again,
neither would your father.
- These are
straight outta the dryer.
- Uncle Ennis, watch.
- Is that good?
James, could she not
do that before?
- I thought it was great,
Wonder Girl.
- Is this good, Uncle Ennis?
A jump.
Nice. Watch me take this step.
Hey, did you ask them
to call me Uncle Ennis?
Because I do not like it.
- What's the matter?
It's adorable.
- No, it isn't.
I am not related to any kids
and I like that about me.
Can I help you?
- Yes. No, I don't know.
- Uh, my friend James here
just got out of prison
and he is raring to go
and ready to re-acclimate
into society.
- No, no. I am not... I'm from
society, I was never in jail.
Although we don't judge the
incarcerated. System's broken.
- Can I help you find
anything in particular?
- I was...
- I'm looking for a nice shirt.
- A little purse.
- I'm thirsty.
- Okay.
Where you go-- Okay.
Let's just put that...
- Do they have to be in here?
- Yes, they have to be. Come on.
I need your help.
- I don't have a time machine
and a vasectomy gun.
So, there's only so much
I can do.
But I can help you
with the clothes.
We're looking for something
that says
"professional
but fashion forward."
Something that says "I have in
no way given up on life."
- Perfect. Let me find you
a few items.
Okay. Thank you.
Hmm. What do you
think about her, Felix?
- She seems
like a nice teenager.
- Solid reprimand.
That is... You are now
my favorite, officially.
Viv, step up your game
a little bit.
What are you doing back there?
- Nothing.
♪
So, you are having
pee problems?
Yeah, I guess I've had
the occasional dribble
if I've sneezed hard
or I re-watch Baby Mama.
You know that movie? Baby Mama?
- Of course, I know that movie.
- But you know
my youngest is four,
so I just figured that all my...
all my stuff had snapped back.
- No.
- Okay.
- Alley-oop!
- Cool.
- And just relax for me.
- Okay.
- I'd like you to try
kegel for me.
- Okay, sure.
- Go ahead.
- I'm doing it.
Am I not doing it?
- Let's try this.
When I hold up one finger, I
want you to squeeze your vagina.
When I hold up two fingers,
tighten your anus
but not your bum.
Three fingers,
contract your urethra.
Okay?
- Sure.
Should I also wiggle my liver
and move my spleen up and down?
- Nope.
- Okay.
- Nope.
Again.
- Nope.
- Ow.
- Good.
- Okay.
- No.
- Oh.
- Okay. Squeeze.
I am.
- No.
- This feedback is devastating.
- Your pelvic floor continued to
atrophy since your last child.
I'll give you some exercises
to do everyday
and in time... you'll regain
muscle tone.
- Okay. 'Cause wha...
'Cause we were thinking about
maybe having another baby.
- Oh. It would take
a lot of work
to get back
to where you are now.
- Right.
- Sluggish clenching,
feeble sphincters.
You need to train everyday
like an athlete.
- Actually, I am an athlete.
Yeah. Big field hockey star
in high school. So...
Do you mind if I just stay here
for a few minutes.
It's nice to lie down.
- Sure.
♪
- What are you...
- I'm doing kegel workout.
- Right now?
- Yeah, I'm almost done.
Supposed to imagine I'm picking
up pearls with my urethra.
- You'd make a heck
of a jewel thief.
Don't make me laugh.
What did you do?
- I made a terrible decision
about work clothes.
- Oh, nice. How much?
Mm.
Was that a wince
or a really big pearl?
- One just flowed
into the other.
- I'm gonna return these.
- No, it's fine. We'll just
carry a bit more debt.
I wanna start work in the fall.
Buy a yacht, it'd be great.
- Yeah.
But...
how long will you be at work
though if,
you know, a baby happens?
- Depends how fast it happens.
We could start now.
- Hmm. So you're still
in baby town?
- I am. Where you at?
- I mean, how can we afford it?
- Well, Pascale said
I didn't have to pay him
because he made me
piss my pants.
- Okay. That's not
the most reliable discount.
- I could make it work.
- It's not just the money.
'Cause we're finally getting
time back for us.
For you to workout.
For me to shop better.
- Did you not find something
nice for that amount of money?
- I panicked.
- What did you get?
- Red pants.
- What? Red?
- Ennis said they popped.
I don't know what
I'm supposed to like anymore.
- Not things that pop.
- I'm just... This is my problem
with having another kid.
I love our kids. I just feel
like I'm losing myself.
- Um, honestly, well...
you've never been cool.
And I just find it
irresistibly adorable.
- You're doing your exercises
right now, aren't you?
- You can feel that?
♪
♪
- Well, hello there.
- Hi, Uncle Ennis.
- I'm not responding to that.
Who is this handsome gentleman?
- It's Daddy.
- Uh-huh. Astrid,
what do you think?
- Yeah, I like it.
You look like
a king of the flight attendants.
- Flight attendants get a lot of
ass, so that's good.
James, why is your kid here?
- Uh, hi, Marla. I've two kids.
This one refuses to stay
with the sitter
but also refused to get dressed.
- Okay. Hi, Astrid.
- Marla.
- Okay. This is a huge disaster.
Can we just pretend
that she's with Ennis?
- Oh. I don't think
that's gonna work
because I don't wanna do that.
- This is a mess. Just go home.
Mr. Gero can hate you.
Speak of the devil.
- Marla, can we start?
My shins are killing me.
- James, meet the man who signs
your checks.
- Oh. Well, the checks are...
sweet, uh, thank you and...
- Just stop.
- Hello.
I've read emails about you.
- James is our top dog.
This is his wife, Astrid.
She used to work with the City.
Her birthday is in March.
- Hi. When is your birthday?
- Sadly, it's today.
- Oh.
- Yay. Happy Birthday.
- Wow.
Just to circle back real quick.
Um...
I love the job...
first, then the checks. So...
Hope that checks out!
- Why are you doing this?
- I don't know.
- Anybody gonna introduce me
or...? No one...
- Nanima got me new pajama.
- Who is this?
- Oh. This is
our daughter Vivian.
- Hmm.
Wish I wore my pajamas today.
- Happy birthday.
Thanks.
Now, I wish I had a little girl.
See, I had a son. Julian.
He's picking his acne.
- Oh.
- Leave it alone, boy.
He's no fun.
- Too bad.
- Oh, too bad.
You're fun.
- He has a kid.
I thought you said that
Gero thought
that kids were "career killers."
- No. That's just my opinion.
Seems like your kid is in.
Let's exploit this.
Oh, oh.
No, no, no, sweetie. It's okay.
That's just Baggie.
He's a mascot, he's fun.
He carries your food.
- Inside of his body.
Which is actually weird
if you think about it.
Hi, Mr. Gero.
I'm Ennis, by the way.
- It's all right, sweetheart.
Don't worry about it.
You don't like Baggie.
Neither do I.
Go on. Get out of here.
Baggie, nobody wants you here.
You scared my friend.
Oh. Looks like the
photographer's ready.
- Okay. It's show time.
Let's get Vivian and her parents
in the shot.
- Oh.
- Come on, Vivian.
- No, actually she doesn't go
with strangers.
- There we go.
- Unless I'm right behind.
- James, you're in the the pic.
You've breached the castle
walls. Thumbs up.
Ennis, Baggies council.
Go deal with him, okay. Thanks.
- Oh, is that what I'm here for?
To deal with Baggie?
All right everyone,
are we ready? It looks like rain
okay?
- James.
- Mm.
- Your pants. They're red.
- Yeah.
- Why?
Oh. There she is. Hi, Vivian.
- Hi.
- Uh. Stand up
straight, Nosferatu.
- All right, everyone.
Are we ready?
- I'll get her.
- No. I will.
♪
- Oh, no! Oh, God. oh.
Okay.
- That was incredible.
You're a beast.
- I peed myself when I
picked her up again.
- All right. On the count of
three, everybody say "Gero's."
One, two and three!
Gero's.
So happy they gave me
a framed photo of this.
- Yeah, the red pants really
draw the eye.
- I hate it. It's all I can see.
I'm never wearing them again.
- No, you have to.
You paid too much for them.
Make 'em your Christmas pants.
And your Valentine's pants.
And your spaghetti pants.
- I like those pants, Dad.
They look like blood.
Like your legs got all cut up
and bloody.
- Mm.
- Yeah,
that's pretty cool, right?
- I love your old pants.
Oh.
Yeah, me too, sweetie.
I'm gonna put this in a drawer.
- Hey, give that back!
Give that back!
- She went that way.
She went that way.
- Aha! Yes, I got it! And I have
the money and you are nothing.
- Nothing.
- Hey!
The body is a miracle.
You can handle so much pain.
Speak for yourself.
Even as you begin
that phase in your life
where hangovers
lasts for days...
And you can pull
a muscle
in your back
just by stretching...
...you can still feel
so much joy and pleasure.
So while it's easy
to judge yourself
for not being
as strong as you were...
Or for looking
like a dad.
Or, in my case, a DILF.
Oh, you're a total DILF.
Thank you.
You gotta follow
your kids' examples.
They don't care
what they look like.
And they think
they're invincible.
More importantly,
they think we're cool,
strong and beautiful.
Until they're like
eleven, so enjoy it.
I think we should take
a little rest.
- I wanna crush you some more!
- No, I think we're done
crushing daddy.
- Crush me, crush me.
- No. You know what? You can
crush your sister. Okay? Gently.
- Upstairs.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God!
- My neck.
My neck.
- I mean, you're gonna
get critics.
There's gonna be people who
don't like what you do.
I was a DJ.
You think everybody liked
every song I played?
You know what? Can I make
a suggestion?
Unsolicited advice?
What about, like a, face?
You know what I mean?
Couple of eyes.
Even just a mouth would be
really lightening up for people,
you know.
Make you a bit more accessible.
Julian, what do you think?
Yeah? A face
would be nice, right?
You get it.