Children Ruin Everything (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Meals - full transcript
James and Astrid try to have a nice family dinner to celebrate a special occasion, but their young children make it challenging.
- Astrid?
- Yes, I'm fine.
Let's do this, I'm up.
Oh, you're not with them?
- No, I thought
they were with you.
Thought that it's your job to...
I just...
I thought they were with you,
at this moment.
- Relax, James. It's not like
anyone exploded.
Viv with Betty.
- One exploded.
Still pretty good.
Look at the mess
you made!
You're cleaning this up.
I put you in jail for a reason.
- I could get out
whenever I want!
- No, you can't.
- You're poo-poo.
- You're a poo-poo!
- You are!
- Okay, Viv, Viv, come out
from the clothes, please.
- Felix, what are you doing
here? Come on, buddy.
- I put her in jail. She's dumb.
- You can't call
your sister dumb.
Anyone overhears that, you're
gonna get canceled very hard.
- What's burning?
Did you burn cereal?
I'm making eggs.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Okay, it's fine.
Here we go. Back up!
- Astrid: There's a lot of
research out there that shows
people with kids are less happy
than people without kids.
- And look, it's hard to argue
with the facts.
Before kids, we had this.
Now, we have this.
Before,
it was kinda like this.
Now, it's more like this.
And we swapped this,
for this.
So, it's very possible
that these big idiots
have made a huge mistake
by having these little idiots.
Idiots like us.
These are our kids,
Felix and Vivian.
I'm Astrid, this is James.
And I'm James.
Now there's two of them.
No! Anyway,
are parents less happy
than childless people?
How do you even
measure happiness?
That's where I can help.
You see, before becoming
a full-time mom,
I was a data analyst.
So, I take raw,
quantifiable data
like money, free time,
uninterrupted minutes
on the toilet,
and I present them in ways
that people can understand.
But what about the data
you can't measure?
Like joy, pride,
and good vibes, man?
Shouldn't that count too
- JAMES: Yeah, right?
Maybe we don't have as much
money or time or fun,
- but we do have...
- You know, kids.
- Yeah, that stuff can
just go on the floor.
- Think of the floor
as one big shelf.
- Kids certainly do.
- Chuck emailed me last night.
- Hey, how is old Chucky?
- That's my old boss.
- Yeah, I didn't know.
You caught me.
- He said my job's available
in a few months
if I'm ready to go back.
- Oh! That's amazing!
Do you... It's totally
up to you. We need the money.
- Yes, no, I'm definitely
going back. I need to earn.
And also,
my brain's turning to mush.
The other day, I forgot the word
"Japan."
- That was today.
- When I'm a working girl,
I'll never forget Japan again.
So, I just need to let 'em know.
- Viv's hogging the red crayons.
- No, I'm not.
- Okay, guys,
we're having coffee.
This is our time, remember?
- You guys shouldn't be drawing
anyway
unless you're ready for school.
Are you ready for school?
- I need underwear.
- Well...
- Buddy, you're wearing pants.
- Yeah, that's called
going commando.
That can't be right.
They, for sure, wore underwear.
- Or bareback. No, that's
not right either. Raw dog!
You know what we should do?
We should celebrate.
- Yes.
- A nice dinner,
just you and me.
- Can we find
a last minute babysitter
that can handle Viv?
- The kids can't come.
Breakfast this morning
was like a Vikings' banquet.
- No, it's normal.
My sister and I
used to have wet bread fights.
- I'd like to go to a nice place
where they don't let you
throw wet bread.
- I thought you said it was
supposed to be a celebration.
- Okay, well, all
the babysitters are booked.
Anyway, aren't you going to
Ennis's tonight?
- I'll just bail.
We should do something nice.
We never do that anymore.
- What? Didn't we just have that
turkey cranberry thing?
- Christmas dinner?
- Why don't we order
a fancy pizza?
- No, no, no,
that's not nice enough.
I'm gonna make us
the pork shoulder thing,
and you are gonna love it.
- So, do I have to buy
the stuff for that, too?
- No. Yes, yes. Yes, please.
- What?
- Your coffee, your coffee.
- No, there's caffeine in that.
- Tonight, we celebrate
two incomes.
- Yatta! That means,
"we did it", in... place.
- You can do it!
- Japan!
- There it is!
- Bye!
That one?
We do that one?
Hello, Astrid.
- Oh, Dawn. Hi.
- I'm so surprised
to see you in here.
This place is so overpriced.
Nine dollars for mustard?
- Yes, well,
it's a special occasion.
We're splurging on an animal
who's seen the sunlight.
- Say hi to Dawn Aunty.
- Hi.
Your cousin Cory and uncle Bo
are looking at the bone broth.
- Go on.
- Hey!
How's Bo?
He seems smiley.
- Having a nervous breakdown
and being ousted
from his own company
was the best thing
that's ever happened to him.
He loves homeschooling Cory and
is teaching himself to craft.
Did he craft that fun hat?
- Still learning.
So, what's the occasion?
Uh, well, in a few months, I'm
going back to work, paid work.
- Astrid, this is fantastic!
- I know.
- Have you told Mom yet?
She's worried you betrayed
your feminist ideals.
- No, I didn't betray anything.
I stayed home because James
makes more money
because he has a valuable penis
and I have a garbage vagina.
Please don't tell Mom
because I really don't need
the career advice.
- Oh, you don't wanna know
about what make-up to wear
or how shiny your work clothes
should be?
- No, I've already heard about
how shiny
my at-home clothes should be.
Speaking of Mom,
did you get her email
about the vegan food...
I think she read it on a blog...
- ♪ My love must be a kind
of blind love ♪
♪ I can't see anyone but... ♪
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Does she know how to breathe?
Really breathe?
- Yes, she's an ace breather,
Bo, thank you.
- It's natural, kiddo, all this
stuff used to be animals.
- Okay, she's just never seen
a decapitated animal before,
have you?
- Oh.
- Okay, maybe we skip
the meat for today?
- Hey, James,
I sent you a work email.
- You sent me a work email?
And...
Hey, Ennis!
You cannot send me
deep fake nudes of myself.
- I'm an artist.
Are you confirmed for tonight?
- Yeah, I'm gonna try
and make it, yes.
- No, no, that is the battle-cry
of the no-show.
- I have a family thing.
- So, come after.
It's not complicated.
Why am I the only one
working in this friendship?
- Nice nudes, James.
Hey, Marla, this is not...
This is a joke.
Yeah, I know, relax.
Ennis already sent 'em to me.
- How's it goin', boss?
- Considering what a goldmine
the pandemic has been
for the grocery world,
I'd say it's going
pretty freakin' well!
- Except for the death
and the illness, though, right?
- Sure. But we're opening
four new franchises
in the next 15 months.
I could kiss COVID.
- That's definitely
how you get it.
- We're gonna sweat, and we're
gonna bleed and we're gonna cry.
And who knows
what fluids will leak?
But once we crush
these openings,
this gal is gonna be a VP.
- Awesome! Is there anything
you needed?
- Just your hard work.
Your loyalty.
And James,
you're gonna need those balls.
- Uh, not mine.
- Why did she point at me
when she said fluids?
- I'm asking Astrid.
- Don't hide behind Astrid.
You promised you'd come
and now you're using your family
as an excuse to suck.
- She says I can go, it's cool.
- Great, okay!
- Give me your buy-in
so I know you're locked in.
It's a new policy.
This is
a very special dinner
because we're celebrating
Mom going back to work.
Yes.
Celebration pasta.
No meat at all, Viv.
- I like meat.
- Okay, 'cause this morning,
you...
You know what? Never mind.
Just gonna blow
right past that one.
- It's okay. Let's raise
our glasses to Mummy
who put her career on hold,
a big sacrifice,
that mostly women have to make
because we live in a patriarchy,
- James?
- Yep, let's focus. Here it is.
- Cheers.
- The cheers!
- The cheers, to you, and you,
and to you...
- And to all of us.
- To all of us.
Okay. Now, Felix...
- Cheers! Cheers!
- Hey, Felix. Did something
happen at school today
that maybe made you feel proud?
Diarrhea.
- Felix, your father's
asking you a question.
- Diarrhea.
- Let's just sit down
and commence the civilized meal.
Toilet!
- Toilet is a toilet word, Viv.
I'll be the first one
to admit
that children
are naturally jerks.
As parents, you have to stop
jerk-like behavior
or it will get worse
and worse as they get older.
And the world
has enough adult jerks,
so, you know,
please do your part.
- My name is
DJ Poopy-in-the-house!
My name is
DJ Peepee-in-the-house!
- We don't need to
make the bread pee and poo.
- That's enough.
Viv, go back to your seat.
Felix, eat your food!
- Eat your food.
- Viv, Felix, sit down.
Let's enjoy Mummy's great meal.
I don't want it. It's gross.
All right, enough! Enough!
Everybody calm down.
Now, this is really important
to Mummy and Daddy. Understand?
So, I promise you, that if
we just stay in our seats,
and we don't yell at each other
and we don't make
gross noises...
- I promise that we can have
a really nice time.
- I love it.
- So, how about this?
How about we reset this dinner?
Okay? A do-over.
- Do-over!
- Yep. Okay?
Starting with the cheers. Okay?
- Do-over!
- Right.
Cheers, everybody, ready?
Cheers.
- Oh, my God! Okay, okay.
Don't move,
don't move!
Don't move,
there's glass everywhere,
it get in your eyes,
you need your eyes.
James!
- Shit!
- Toilet word!
- Well, we'll try again
when they're teenagers.
- Do you have to go to Ennis's?
- I already bought in,
and he gave me a whole thing
about bailing.
- If you stay,
I'll make it worth your while.
- The sad thing is
that this is working on me.
- Like a little bit of this?
- Yeah, these are all the moves.
These are all my favorites.
- I've got glass in my bum.
- No, I don't think
you have glass in your bum.
- Yes, I do. It's cutting me.
I can feel it right now!
- It seems unlikely
'cause we were wearing pants.
- Yeah, it seems...
- There is.
You have to get it out.
- Okay, okay, how about this?
I think before Daddy goes
to have fun with his friends,
maybe he should
check your bum for glass.
Can be
a little depressing, but...
Look at her.
- Slow down.
- Not bad.
You gotta move fast,
or else you'll never find
what you're looking for.
- How're you making decisions
this quick?
What's wrong with her?
- She's wearing a sweater--
- What about--
-She does cartwheels.
- Can you go back?
- No, you don't want to.
You gotta pay extra to do that.
- Is that her dog?
- Okay, see this one?
- Yeah?
- Yeah, you think yoga pose
means bendy in a sexy way,
but really it means
a lot of conversations
about how you don't drink
enough water.
How's Astrid?
- No, yeah, she's great.
She's going back to work.
We tried to celebrate tonight,
but Felix and Viv were going
through a sabotage phase.
- I keep telling you
having kids is a huge mistake.
- And I thought you'd stop
telling me that once I had them.
- Well, they keep
proving my point.
But, unlike your kids,
I can actually help.
I have a reservation
tomorrow night at Fauf Nine.
It's a phenomenal new place,
but I can't go
because my dodgeball team
made the playoffs.
- Wait, you still play
ironic sports?
- I take my dodgeball
very seriously.
Try to hit me with that pillow.
- No.
- Smart choice,
you would have missed.
- So, this--
- Fauf--
- All right. Is it expensive?
'Cause last month
I got a parking ticket
and I couldn't afford deodorant.
- I'll tell you what.
Play your cards right tonight,
and maybe you could win
the cash you need.
♪
- I need a hay.
- No, that's what sheeps do.
Do you have any sheep?
- Don't.
You know where to put it!
- That's gonna come back to
haunt you, I don't know how.
All right, sheep for you.
Always fun.
I said I needed sheep!
- Five.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Just so you know,
I am four points away
from being your champion
of the evening.
- James and I only need
one point.
- I've faced worse odds.
Are you done?
- I need a wheat.
- I've wheat.
- I've wood. Wood for weed.
- I don't need wood.
I need sheep. I need sheep.
Okay, stop.
But if I had a wheat,
I could build a town, you know,
the kind of town that one
might take their wife out on.
- Well, in this economy,
wheat will cost you a sheep.
- Help me out here.
- That's a good price!
You won't make the deal?
No wheat off my back.
- Wonderful!
- What?
I'm now able to make
the longest roads.
- What?
- A winning move!
- Are you serious? Where?
Come on.
Don't be shy, boy.
- I still want that reservation.
- Wake up, wake up, wake up!
This shouldn't
be happening.
- Wake up, wake up, wake up!
- Can I get an hour?
- Yeah, I already gave you
an hour.
- Your turn to battle the kids.
- You can't win!
- Thirty minutes.
- No!
You can't go out
with your friends
and sleep till 9:30. Get him!
- No, wait! Time!
I made a reservation
at Fauf Nine. Very nice,
hard to get into,
dinner, just the two of us.
- Did you book a babysitter?
Okay, okay. I texted
your mom, I texted your mom.
- What?
- I...
- The last time,
they were eating bowls
of whipped cream
and watching
Fast and the Furious.
- I know, Felix ruined
the ending for me.
- Shaw killed Seoul-Oh.
- Yes, Shaw killed me as well,
I feel like.
- Okay, fine.
But just so you know,
Viv's pretending
to water a garden
by pouring milk on the couch,
so you're dealing with that.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God!
- Watch me, I'm Mummy.
And I'm cleaning.
- No, Daddy cleans too.
It's everyone's job
to tidy the house.
Felix, tidy the slide,
both of you clean it!
- Hello?
- Chuck, hi, it's Astrid.
Hi, how are ya?
How's the family?
- I'm good, I'm good,
yeah, they're good.
Listen, I was just calling
because I wanted to take you up
on that job offer.
- So, you're coming back?
- Yes.
Well, that's great news!
♪
- Stop! Stop it! Stop it!
- What?
- No, no, not you.
Sorry, no, not you.
Yes, I'll totally learn
the new software.
- Great!
- Yeah, that would be amazing.
Thank you.
Hey,
I'm cleaning this part.
Nanima's here!
- Astrid: Hi!
- I'm here to save the day.
- Thank you so much
for babysitting.
You know the rules. No boys,
don't touch the thermostat.
- This is for lunch and dinner
tomorrow.
Aloo gobi for you, bittoo!
- My little vegetarian!
- She's not a... What?
- And gummy candies
for the kids.
Have they seen the movie
Pan's Labyrinth?
- That's not a kid's movie.
- We'll see.
And congratulations on your job.
Dawn was worried you'd given up
on your feminist ideals.
- What? No!
- Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I ran into Christine's mom
in Hyde Park.
- I haven't seen Christine
in 20 years.
- Well, her brother's
a gambling addict,
and he stole Marco's van.
So, that's where she's at.
- Okay, I don't--
- Okay, well, why don't you go
get changed for your big night?
- This is what I'm wearing.
- You don't have
something shinier?
- Uh-oh. Is that the in-laws?
Get out of here, Nisha!
- You ruined my daughter's life,
you sack of crap!
- Oh, my God! Okay.
- Okay.
- Just put a little extra
mustard on that one, this time.
We're just having fun.
- Are we underdressed?
- Almost always.
- Hello, we've reservations
for eight under Ennis, I think.
- Looks like you guys
are already here.
- And I said, "It's more
like reodorant."
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
- Hey, Ennis.
- Hi.
Right.
I was supposed to give you
this table.
Mm-hm.
- But then I met Penelope here
while I was at Zara's,
shopping for socks.
- Good evening.
- What's this?
- Astrid, you look great.
- Thank you.
I just dressed up
'cause I was looking forward
to the night out.
- Yeah, I thought you guys
couldn't afford this place.
- We can't.
- Yeah.
We're only here because
you gave us the reservation.
- Now what do you want me to do?
James, how's your duck?
- It's great, Ennis, thank you.
- It's cool.
- So, Penelope, um,
you work at Zara?
- No, I work for an NGO.
I help develop non-GMO enriched
rice for developing countries.
- That's cool.
Sounds fulfilling.
- Yeah, it really is.
How about you?
- Oh. Job-wise, I'm a data
analyst for the city.
Well, I was,
but now I'm just a mom.
- No such thing as just a mom,
she's amazing.
- You guys have kids.
I love kids.
You do? Well, that's great.
- Oh, my God, my mom's saying
something's wrong.
She says it's Felix.
It's his stomach.
It's a stabbing pain,
he's in tears!
- Oh, my God, did he actually
eat glass last night?
- I'll get the check.
- So hungry.
Yeah.
- He didn't eat the food
after the glass broke.
- I did. Somebody had to.
- Do you need help?
- Could you just hold him
for a second?
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
- Remember when
Viv ate a spider?
Just smashed it up with a block
and put it in her mouth.
Like a...
♪ I only have eyes ♪
♪ For you ♪
- I wanna have another baby.
- I'll just take him back now.
- Sure.
- Since when?
- Since I can't stop
thinking about it.
We agreed on two.
And we did it!
We get one of each gender,
it's like the perfect--
I mean, I know
gender's a spectrum...
Okay, but I can't shake
this feeling
that someone is missing,
like our family is
not totally complete.
- Can we try getting
a guinea pig
and see if that hits the spot?
What about going back to work?
What about money?
I'm almost 40, we're just
starting to go back out again.
- I get that
it doesn't make sense.
- I'm just telling you
how I feel.
- And I appreciate that
and I support how you feel.
But I feel the opposite.
- Person: Mr. and Mrs. Berney?
- Yes.
- I had a look at the X-rays,
and I haven't been able
to locate any glass.
- Yeah, we didn't find any
when we checked his bum.
- "We."
- The intestines
are here, and you see these
black circles here and here?
- Why are they perfectly round?
What are the black circles?
- It's gas.
He just needs to vacate the gas
and he'll probably feel fine.
- So, you're prescribing a fart?
- Yes.
A warm bath,
or gently massaging--
- No, no, he knows how.
He'll be thrilled.
- Thank you.
- Astrid: So,
are the studies right?
Are parents less happy
than the childless people
who have all their free time
and money to themselves?
- Probably.
- Definitely.
- Hey! Look at this.
It's the who's who
of the vegan food scene.
- You made it!
Being
a parent can suck.
Every injury, every heartache,
every mess, you're in charge.
- I'm sorry you didn't get to
celebrate going back to work.
- We're celebrating now.
- Yes, we are. To Astrid.
- To Astrid.
- To Astrid.
- Cheers.
But there are moments,
incredible moments that
you can't find anywhere else.
Life isn't always as fun or cool
as it was before.
Never. Not even close.
But those moments,
they make up for it.
So, we just try
to have as many as we can.
She means moments,
not kids.
You don't know
what I mean.
Okay, all right, that's nice.
Okay, hi, hi.
- Okay.
- Try to hit me with
one of those pillows.
- No.
- No, go ahead, give it a shot.
See how fast I can move.
- I'll believe you.
- I choose to believe you.
- Look ahead.
Ready? Wanna see
how fast I can move?
Oh.
In the face,
see that's not allowed.
You can't hit me in the face.
So, that's how I get you.
- Okay.
- Yes, I'm fine.
Let's do this, I'm up.
Oh, you're not with them?
- No, I thought
they were with you.
Thought that it's your job to...
I just...
I thought they were with you,
at this moment.
- Relax, James. It's not like
anyone exploded.
Viv with Betty.
- One exploded.
Still pretty good.
Look at the mess
you made!
You're cleaning this up.
I put you in jail for a reason.
- I could get out
whenever I want!
- No, you can't.
- You're poo-poo.
- You're a poo-poo!
- You are!
- Okay, Viv, Viv, come out
from the clothes, please.
- Felix, what are you doing
here? Come on, buddy.
- I put her in jail. She's dumb.
- You can't call
your sister dumb.
Anyone overhears that, you're
gonna get canceled very hard.
- What's burning?
Did you burn cereal?
I'm making eggs.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Okay, it's fine.
Here we go. Back up!
- Astrid: There's a lot of
research out there that shows
people with kids are less happy
than people without kids.
- And look, it's hard to argue
with the facts.
Before kids, we had this.
Now, we have this.
Before,
it was kinda like this.
Now, it's more like this.
And we swapped this,
for this.
So, it's very possible
that these big idiots
have made a huge mistake
by having these little idiots.
Idiots like us.
These are our kids,
Felix and Vivian.
I'm Astrid, this is James.
And I'm James.
Now there's two of them.
No! Anyway,
are parents less happy
than childless people?
How do you even
measure happiness?
That's where I can help.
You see, before becoming
a full-time mom,
I was a data analyst.
So, I take raw,
quantifiable data
like money, free time,
uninterrupted minutes
on the toilet,
and I present them in ways
that people can understand.
But what about the data
you can't measure?
Like joy, pride,
and good vibes, man?
Shouldn't that count too
- JAMES: Yeah, right?
Maybe we don't have as much
money or time or fun,
- but we do have...
- You know, kids.
- Yeah, that stuff can
just go on the floor.
- Think of the floor
as one big shelf.
- Kids certainly do.
- Chuck emailed me last night.
- Hey, how is old Chucky?
- That's my old boss.
- Yeah, I didn't know.
You caught me.
- He said my job's available
in a few months
if I'm ready to go back.
- Oh! That's amazing!
Do you... It's totally
up to you. We need the money.
- Yes, no, I'm definitely
going back. I need to earn.
And also,
my brain's turning to mush.
The other day, I forgot the word
"Japan."
- That was today.
- When I'm a working girl,
I'll never forget Japan again.
So, I just need to let 'em know.
- Viv's hogging the red crayons.
- No, I'm not.
- Okay, guys,
we're having coffee.
This is our time, remember?
- You guys shouldn't be drawing
anyway
unless you're ready for school.
Are you ready for school?
- I need underwear.
- Well...
- Buddy, you're wearing pants.
- Yeah, that's called
going commando.
That can't be right.
They, for sure, wore underwear.
- Or bareback. No, that's
not right either. Raw dog!
You know what we should do?
We should celebrate.
- Yes.
- A nice dinner,
just you and me.
- Can we find
a last minute babysitter
that can handle Viv?
- The kids can't come.
Breakfast this morning
was like a Vikings' banquet.
- No, it's normal.
My sister and I
used to have wet bread fights.
- I'd like to go to a nice place
where they don't let you
throw wet bread.
- I thought you said it was
supposed to be a celebration.
- Okay, well, all
the babysitters are booked.
Anyway, aren't you going to
Ennis's tonight?
- I'll just bail.
We should do something nice.
We never do that anymore.
- What? Didn't we just have that
turkey cranberry thing?
- Christmas dinner?
- Why don't we order
a fancy pizza?
- No, no, no,
that's not nice enough.
I'm gonna make us
the pork shoulder thing,
and you are gonna love it.
- So, do I have to buy
the stuff for that, too?
- No. Yes, yes. Yes, please.
- What?
- Your coffee, your coffee.
- No, there's caffeine in that.
- Tonight, we celebrate
two incomes.
- Yatta! That means,
"we did it", in... place.
- You can do it!
- Japan!
- There it is!
- Bye!
That one?
We do that one?
Hello, Astrid.
- Oh, Dawn. Hi.
- I'm so surprised
to see you in here.
This place is so overpriced.
Nine dollars for mustard?
- Yes, well,
it's a special occasion.
We're splurging on an animal
who's seen the sunlight.
- Say hi to Dawn Aunty.
- Hi.
Your cousin Cory and uncle Bo
are looking at the bone broth.
- Go on.
- Hey!
How's Bo?
He seems smiley.
- Having a nervous breakdown
and being ousted
from his own company
was the best thing
that's ever happened to him.
He loves homeschooling Cory and
is teaching himself to craft.
Did he craft that fun hat?
- Still learning.
So, what's the occasion?
Uh, well, in a few months, I'm
going back to work, paid work.
- Astrid, this is fantastic!
- I know.
- Have you told Mom yet?
She's worried you betrayed
your feminist ideals.
- No, I didn't betray anything.
I stayed home because James
makes more money
because he has a valuable penis
and I have a garbage vagina.
Please don't tell Mom
because I really don't need
the career advice.
- Oh, you don't wanna know
about what make-up to wear
or how shiny your work clothes
should be?
- No, I've already heard about
how shiny
my at-home clothes should be.
Speaking of Mom,
did you get her email
about the vegan food...
I think she read it on a blog...
- ♪ My love must be a kind
of blind love ♪
♪ I can't see anyone but... ♪
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Does she know how to breathe?
Really breathe?
- Yes, she's an ace breather,
Bo, thank you.
- It's natural, kiddo, all this
stuff used to be animals.
- Okay, she's just never seen
a decapitated animal before,
have you?
- Oh.
- Okay, maybe we skip
the meat for today?
- Hey, James,
I sent you a work email.
- You sent me a work email?
And...
Hey, Ennis!
You cannot send me
deep fake nudes of myself.
- I'm an artist.
Are you confirmed for tonight?
- Yeah, I'm gonna try
and make it, yes.
- No, no, that is the battle-cry
of the no-show.
- I have a family thing.
- So, come after.
It's not complicated.
Why am I the only one
working in this friendship?
- Nice nudes, James.
Hey, Marla, this is not...
This is a joke.
Yeah, I know, relax.
Ennis already sent 'em to me.
- How's it goin', boss?
- Considering what a goldmine
the pandemic has been
for the grocery world,
I'd say it's going
pretty freakin' well!
- Except for the death
and the illness, though, right?
- Sure. But we're opening
four new franchises
in the next 15 months.
I could kiss COVID.
- That's definitely
how you get it.
- We're gonna sweat, and we're
gonna bleed and we're gonna cry.
And who knows
what fluids will leak?
But once we crush
these openings,
this gal is gonna be a VP.
- Awesome! Is there anything
you needed?
- Just your hard work.
Your loyalty.
And James,
you're gonna need those balls.
- Uh, not mine.
- Why did she point at me
when she said fluids?
- I'm asking Astrid.
- Don't hide behind Astrid.
You promised you'd come
and now you're using your family
as an excuse to suck.
- She says I can go, it's cool.
- Great, okay!
- Give me your buy-in
so I know you're locked in.
It's a new policy.
This is
a very special dinner
because we're celebrating
Mom going back to work.
Yes.
Celebration pasta.
No meat at all, Viv.
- I like meat.
- Okay, 'cause this morning,
you...
You know what? Never mind.
Just gonna blow
right past that one.
- It's okay. Let's raise
our glasses to Mummy
who put her career on hold,
a big sacrifice,
that mostly women have to make
because we live in a patriarchy,
- James?
- Yep, let's focus. Here it is.
- Cheers.
- The cheers!
- The cheers, to you, and you,
and to you...
- And to all of us.
- To all of us.
Okay. Now, Felix...
- Cheers! Cheers!
- Hey, Felix. Did something
happen at school today
that maybe made you feel proud?
Diarrhea.
- Felix, your father's
asking you a question.
- Diarrhea.
- Let's just sit down
and commence the civilized meal.
Toilet!
- Toilet is a toilet word, Viv.
I'll be the first one
to admit
that children
are naturally jerks.
As parents, you have to stop
jerk-like behavior
or it will get worse
and worse as they get older.
And the world
has enough adult jerks,
so, you know,
please do your part.
- My name is
DJ Poopy-in-the-house!
My name is
DJ Peepee-in-the-house!
- We don't need to
make the bread pee and poo.
- That's enough.
Viv, go back to your seat.
Felix, eat your food!
- Eat your food.
- Viv, Felix, sit down.
Let's enjoy Mummy's great meal.
I don't want it. It's gross.
All right, enough! Enough!
Everybody calm down.
Now, this is really important
to Mummy and Daddy. Understand?
So, I promise you, that if
we just stay in our seats,
and we don't yell at each other
and we don't make
gross noises...
- I promise that we can have
a really nice time.
- I love it.
- So, how about this?
How about we reset this dinner?
Okay? A do-over.
- Do-over!
- Yep. Okay?
Starting with the cheers. Okay?
- Do-over!
- Right.
Cheers, everybody, ready?
Cheers.
- Oh, my God! Okay, okay.
Don't move,
don't move!
Don't move,
there's glass everywhere,
it get in your eyes,
you need your eyes.
James!
- Shit!
- Toilet word!
- Well, we'll try again
when they're teenagers.
- Do you have to go to Ennis's?
- I already bought in,
and he gave me a whole thing
about bailing.
- If you stay,
I'll make it worth your while.
- The sad thing is
that this is working on me.
- Like a little bit of this?
- Yeah, these are all the moves.
These are all my favorites.
- I've got glass in my bum.
- No, I don't think
you have glass in your bum.
- Yes, I do. It's cutting me.
I can feel it right now!
- It seems unlikely
'cause we were wearing pants.
- Yeah, it seems...
- There is.
You have to get it out.
- Okay, okay, how about this?
I think before Daddy goes
to have fun with his friends,
maybe he should
check your bum for glass.
Can be
a little depressing, but...
Look at her.
- Slow down.
- Not bad.
You gotta move fast,
or else you'll never find
what you're looking for.
- How're you making decisions
this quick?
What's wrong with her?
- She's wearing a sweater--
- What about--
-She does cartwheels.
- Can you go back?
- No, you don't want to.
You gotta pay extra to do that.
- Is that her dog?
- Okay, see this one?
- Yeah?
- Yeah, you think yoga pose
means bendy in a sexy way,
but really it means
a lot of conversations
about how you don't drink
enough water.
How's Astrid?
- No, yeah, she's great.
She's going back to work.
We tried to celebrate tonight,
but Felix and Viv were going
through a sabotage phase.
- I keep telling you
having kids is a huge mistake.
- And I thought you'd stop
telling me that once I had them.
- Well, they keep
proving my point.
But, unlike your kids,
I can actually help.
I have a reservation
tomorrow night at Fauf Nine.
It's a phenomenal new place,
but I can't go
because my dodgeball team
made the playoffs.
- Wait, you still play
ironic sports?
- I take my dodgeball
very seriously.
Try to hit me with that pillow.
- No.
- Smart choice,
you would have missed.
- So, this--
- Fauf--
- All right. Is it expensive?
'Cause last month
I got a parking ticket
and I couldn't afford deodorant.
- I'll tell you what.
Play your cards right tonight,
and maybe you could win
the cash you need.
♪
- I need a hay.
- No, that's what sheeps do.
Do you have any sheep?
- Don't.
You know where to put it!
- That's gonna come back to
haunt you, I don't know how.
All right, sheep for you.
Always fun.
I said I needed sheep!
- Five.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Just so you know,
I am four points away
from being your champion
of the evening.
- James and I only need
one point.
- I've faced worse odds.
Are you done?
- I need a wheat.
- I've wheat.
- I've wood. Wood for weed.
- I don't need wood.
I need sheep. I need sheep.
Okay, stop.
But if I had a wheat,
I could build a town, you know,
the kind of town that one
might take their wife out on.
- Well, in this economy,
wheat will cost you a sheep.
- Help me out here.
- That's a good price!
You won't make the deal?
No wheat off my back.
- Wonderful!
- What?
I'm now able to make
the longest roads.
- What?
- A winning move!
- Are you serious? Where?
Come on.
Don't be shy, boy.
- I still want that reservation.
- Wake up, wake up, wake up!
This shouldn't
be happening.
- Wake up, wake up, wake up!
- Can I get an hour?
- Yeah, I already gave you
an hour.
- Your turn to battle the kids.
- You can't win!
- Thirty minutes.
- No!
You can't go out
with your friends
and sleep till 9:30. Get him!
- No, wait! Time!
I made a reservation
at Fauf Nine. Very nice,
hard to get into,
dinner, just the two of us.
- Did you book a babysitter?
Okay, okay. I texted
your mom, I texted your mom.
- What?
- I...
- The last time,
they were eating bowls
of whipped cream
and watching
Fast and the Furious.
- I know, Felix ruined
the ending for me.
- Shaw killed Seoul-Oh.
- Yes, Shaw killed me as well,
I feel like.
- Okay, fine.
But just so you know,
Viv's pretending
to water a garden
by pouring milk on the couch,
so you're dealing with that.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God!
- Watch me, I'm Mummy.
And I'm cleaning.
- No, Daddy cleans too.
It's everyone's job
to tidy the house.
Felix, tidy the slide,
both of you clean it!
- Hello?
- Chuck, hi, it's Astrid.
Hi, how are ya?
How's the family?
- I'm good, I'm good,
yeah, they're good.
Listen, I was just calling
because I wanted to take you up
on that job offer.
- So, you're coming back?
- Yes.
Well, that's great news!
♪
- Stop! Stop it! Stop it!
- What?
- No, no, not you.
Sorry, no, not you.
Yes, I'll totally learn
the new software.
- Great!
- Yeah, that would be amazing.
Thank you.
Hey,
I'm cleaning this part.
Nanima's here!
- Astrid: Hi!
- I'm here to save the day.
- Thank you so much
for babysitting.
You know the rules. No boys,
don't touch the thermostat.
- This is for lunch and dinner
tomorrow.
Aloo gobi for you, bittoo!
- My little vegetarian!
- She's not a... What?
- And gummy candies
for the kids.
Have they seen the movie
Pan's Labyrinth?
- That's not a kid's movie.
- We'll see.
And congratulations on your job.
Dawn was worried you'd given up
on your feminist ideals.
- What? No!
- Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I ran into Christine's mom
in Hyde Park.
- I haven't seen Christine
in 20 years.
- Well, her brother's
a gambling addict,
and he stole Marco's van.
So, that's where she's at.
- Okay, I don't--
- Okay, well, why don't you go
get changed for your big night?
- This is what I'm wearing.
- You don't have
something shinier?
- Uh-oh. Is that the in-laws?
Get out of here, Nisha!
- You ruined my daughter's life,
you sack of crap!
- Oh, my God! Okay.
- Okay.
- Just put a little extra
mustard on that one, this time.
We're just having fun.
- Are we underdressed?
- Almost always.
- Hello, we've reservations
for eight under Ennis, I think.
- Looks like you guys
are already here.
- And I said, "It's more
like reodorant."
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
- Hey, Ennis.
- Hi.
Right.
I was supposed to give you
this table.
Mm-hm.
- But then I met Penelope here
while I was at Zara's,
shopping for socks.
- Good evening.
- What's this?
- Astrid, you look great.
- Thank you.
I just dressed up
'cause I was looking forward
to the night out.
- Yeah, I thought you guys
couldn't afford this place.
- We can't.
- Yeah.
We're only here because
you gave us the reservation.
- Now what do you want me to do?
James, how's your duck?
- It's great, Ennis, thank you.
- It's cool.
- So, Penelope, um,
you work at Zara?
- No, I work for an NGO.
I help develop non-GMO enriched
rice for developing countries.
- That's cool.
Sounds fulfilling.
- Yeah, it really is.
How about you?
- Oh. Job-wise, I'm a data
analyst for the city.
Well, I was,
but now I'm just a mom.
- No such thing as just a mom,
she's amazing.
- You guys have kids.
I love kids.
You do? Well, that's great.
- Oh, my God, my mom's saying
something's wrong.
She says it's Felix.
It's his stomach.
It's a stabbing pain,
he's in tears!
- Oh, my God, did he actually
eat glass last night?
- I'll get the check.
- So hungry.
Yeah.
- He didn't eat the food
after the glass broke.
- I did. Somebody had to.
- Do you need help?
- Could you just hold him
for a second?
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
- Remember when
Viv ate a spider?
Just smashed it up with a block
and put it in her mouth.
Like a...
♪ I only have eyes ♪
♪ For you ♪
- I wanna have another baby.
- I'll just take him back now.
- Sure.
- Since when?
- Since I can't stop
thinking about it.
We agreed on two.
And we did it!
We get one of each gender,
it's like the perfect--
I mean, I know
gender's a spectrum...
Okay, but I can't shake
this feeling
that someone is missing,
like our family is
not totally complete.
- Can we try getting
a guinea pig
and see if that hits the spot?
What about going back to work?
What about money?
I'm almost 40, we're just
starting to go back out again.
- I get that
it doesn't make sense.
- I'm just telling you
how I feel.
- And I appreciate that
and I support how you feel.
But I feel the opposite.
- Person: Mr. and Mrs. Berney?
- Yes.
- I had a look at the X-rays,
and I haven't been able
to locate any glass.
- Yeah, we didn't find any
when we checked his bum.
- "We."
- The intestines
are here, and you see these
black circles here and here?
- Why are they perfectly round?
What are the black circles?
- It's gas.
He just needs to vacate the gas
and he'll probably feel fine.
- So, you're prescribing a fart?
- Yes.
A warm bath,
or gently massaging--
- No, no, he knows how.
He'll be thrilled.
- Thank you.
- Astrid: So,
are the studies right?
Are parents less happy
than the childless people
who have all their free time
and money to themselves?
- Probably.
- Definitely.
- Hey! Look at this.
It's the who's who
of the vegan food scene.
- You made it!
Being
a parent can suck.
Every injury, every heartache,
every mess, you're in charge.
- I'm sorry you didn't get to
celebrate going back to work.
- We're celebrating now.
- Yes, we are. To Astrid.
- To Astrid.
- To Astrid.
- Cheers.
But there are moments,
incredible moments that
you can't find anywhere else.
Life isn't always as fun or cool
as it was before.
Never. Not even close.
But those moments,
they make up for it.
So, we just try
to have as many as we can.
She means moments,
not kids.
You don't know
what I mean.
Okay, all right, that's nice.
Okay, hi, hi.
- Okay.
- Try to hit me with
one of those pillows.
- No.
- No, go ahead, give it a shot.
See how fast I can move.
- I'll believe you.
- I choose to believe you.
- Look ahead.
Ready? Wanna see
how fast I can move?
Oh.
In the face,
see that's not allowed.
You can't hit me in the face.
So, that's how I get you.
- Okay.