Chicago Party Aunt (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Emergency Contact - full transcript
[neon buzzing]
- [festive holiday music]
- [Diane] I love Christmastime in Chicago.
The family gatherings, the holiday spirit,
the hot rum-breath on all the mustaches.
But the best part
is the day before Christmas,
which I call Christmas Eve.
It's all the best parties
rolled into one night,
and I'm the lord and savior of them all!
Now, where is that damn holiday train?
Can't we just take a regular train?
I'm freezing.
The holiday train is like your Aunt Diane,
fully lit and only comes
for those who wait.
Okay, we gotta do less innuendo
in the new year.
It's frickin' here!
Wow, it's beautiful!
Yeah, that's how he gets ya.
How who gets you?
Ho, ho, ho!
Oh no.
Remember me, Santa?
You came down my chimney,
and all I got was crabs.
Sweet baby Jesus.
So how you gonna make it up to me?
[groans]
Daniel, how great is this?
Truth is, I already had the crabs.
[both laughing]
Happy freakin' holidays!
[Diane and Daniel cheer]
I got a killer lineup
for Christmas Eve tonight.
First, we go to your parents
for appeteazers,
then Mikey's for hot toddies,
then to Borough for my work party.
But right now, let's crack open
this pony keg and our gifts.
[grunts]
Aw! It's a jar of... warm mayonnaise?
No, it's my famous homemade lotion.
This year, it's Malört-scented,
which also keeps the bugs away
come bikini season.
Wow, this is actually nice.
Is it normal for my arm to feel drunk?
That's how you know it's workin'.
By the way, I'm gonna need that jar back.
- Right now?
- Yeah.
Just scoop out the lotion
and put it in some foil. Now my turn!
Honey baked ham dick!
A new computer phone?
How could you afford this?
It's actually my old one.
I transferred your contacts,
and you still have the same number.
312-DIROCKS.
Look at me. I'm so fancy.
- Now I can watch porn on my phone.
- [rings]
Ah! God, no! Make it go away!
Merry Christmas to you too, Di.
I see that Daniel gave you your present.
I have your gift too.
Once Daniel gives me the jar back,
you can have it.
What time do you want us
to come over tonight?
Oh, this year,
we're going to Mark's parents.
- What do you think, hon?
- No.
- I told you at Thanksgiving.
- Oh, okay.
You told me critical information
on the 16th biggest
drinking day of the year?
I'd ask you to come,
but they're Christian Scientists,
and they believe in prayer over medicine.
You're too big a health risk
for their immune system.
That's ridic...
[coughing, wheezing]
Daniel, we'll see you in an hour,
and wear your Christmas vest.
You're goin' too?
Sorry, Aunt Diane, but you do have
more of a New Year's Eve energy.
Plus, he has to be home for Santa to come.
Santa comes anywhere, trust me.
Diane, that is inappropriate
when you're talking about Santa...
Phone off!
- Uh, are you going to be okay tonight?
- Of course I am.
I'm gonna have a great dinner with Mikey
and then arrive
at my work party fashionably late.
Why would I wanna go to Mark's parents'
lame-ass, milquetoast...
We're still on the phone.
...positively delightful get-together.
Okay, bye!
Daniel, hang it up for me.
♪ ...six geese a-layin' ♪
♪ Five golden... ♪
Balls!
Ma, what are you doin' here?
I know I'm early,
but I figured we could pregame.
Gabriella, you look gorgeous, sweetie.
- Thank you, Miss Dunbrowski.
- So where's everybody headed?
Um, we were just leavin'
to go to the Zoo Lights. I texted ya.
Zoo Lights!
Oh, I could get down with that.
It was Heidi's idea.
She loves the bird exhibit.
Have you two officially met?
Hi, I'm Heidi.
Hello, sweetie.
So, what's the lowdown
with this bird show? They just fly around?
Well, they also sing and dance.
Those angels are so talented.
Okay, that does sound
kind of funny. I'm in.
Sorry, Ma, but we had to
get tickets ahead of time.
I would've gotten you one,
but you got that lifetime ban
from the zoo.
Yeah, I guess the monkeys
can throw poop at you,
but if you throw it back,
you're the bad guy.
Now that I think about it,
I can't join ya anyway.
I have to be at my work party.
I'm very busy.
Mikey and Gabriella,
here's your present. It's lotion I made.
I love ya both.
- Thanks, Ma.
- Thanks, Mrs. Dunbrowski.
Merry Christmas, Diane.
Thanks, Kurt. Have fun, everyone.
And watch out for the girl monkey.
She's got a frickin' arm on her.
[jaunty holiday music]
[door slams open]
- [wind rushing]
- Merry cosmos and a happy new beer!
I never thought I'd say this,
but I am glad to be at work.
Oh thank God you're here.
Girl, we need someone to fill in
the awkward spaces in conversation.
Check this out.
I thought of it in the cab.
Woo! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Pabst.
Come on, people, let's frickin' party!
Diane, stop!
Corporate is watching.
Every Borough location is livestreaming.
There's absolutely no drinking allowed.
We can't drink at a holiday party?
This is an infringement
on my religious freedoms.
You are not oppressed!
Come on, let's set up
some fake cardboard people,
put 'em on strings like Home Alone,
and go get blottoed in the break room.
Hmm, let's see.
Get drunk with you in a closet,
or keep my 401(k).
Hmm, I'm really gonna have to
think about this one for a second.
- [man] Attention, Borough fam...
- Okay, ladies, focus up.
Hey, everybody, it's your boy,
actor and corporate influencer,
Jerry Ferrara.
If you're celebrating
the Borough holiday party, press one.
For Wetzel's Pretzels, press two.
For Monsanto, smash three.
For a holiday party where you can't drink,
press my mouth against a tailpipe...
Hush!
♪ 'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the crib ♪
♪ No homies were stirring over here ♪
♪ Not even a friggin' mous e ♪
[coughs]
That wasn't champagne. I'm coughing.
Diane, that's strike number two.
- You're out.
- It's three strikes and you're out.
It's two strikes in Corporate America.
And one if you Black.
Tina, Zuzs, whaddya say?
You two, me,
parking lot, bottle of schnapps,
maybe a smokie, maybe a tokie...
Diane, stop. Okay, stop.
We also choose 401(k).
I want to retire by time I'm 40.
How are you not 40?
Fine, I'll go to a real party,
where people know how to have fun.
Sanctuary!
♪ ...sleep in heavenly peace ♪
[mic feedback]
That's my daughter's favorite song.
Haven't seen her in two decades.
Now, these are my people.
- Larry, how are ya?
- [mumbles incoherently]
Your son got into Northwestern? Congrats!
Diane, what are you doin' here?
Christmas Eve is the one night of the year
you don't come in.
What can I say? I missed my crew.
You, Larry,
that guy cryin' while he sings.
Luanne, what say you and me
hit up the karaoke together?
I'm thinkin', "The Boy Is Mine."
Shotgun, Brandy!
I can't. I gotta clean up that guy's puke.
And that guy's puke. You want somethin'?
Just give me an Old Style
with an egg in it.
Here you go, Larry.
Don't even worry
about givin' me the bag back.
[Larry mumbling indistinctly]
Jeez, even Larry's got a family dinner.
I wanted a beer nog, Luanne.
Huh. And I wanted
to marry Martina Navratilova,
and yet I'm not allowed
within 1,000 yards of her.
[sighs]
Gotta say, Luanne,
this is not how I pictured my night goin'.
Christmas is about
bein' with those you're closest to,
and yet, here I am, basically alone.
Without you, this would be
my most pathetic Christmas Eve ever.
Yeah, I know. I wish I was there too.
Just waitin' for these losers
to get outta here.
- Fuck me.
- [phone buzzes]
Go for Double D.
Hi, I'm calling from West Side Hospital.
That's right by my favorite pierogi place.
Is this Diane Dunbrowski
who was married to a Sean Vincent?
Yeah, he's my piece of shit
second husband,
but I haven't seen him in 20 years.
Well, I'm sorry to tell you this,
but Mr. Vincent's
been in a motorcycle accident.
Oh, that's too bad.
I hope the asphalt's okay.
You're Mr. Vincent's emergency contact,
so we're required by law to notify you.
Would you like to come see him?
[sobbing]
All right, I love you guys too.
Hey, and save me some dessert.
Yeah, fine. I'll be right there.
Sorry, guys, gotta go.
Can I come?
Uh, see, the thing about that is...
Okay, bye!
I'm here to see Sean Vincent.
Oh yeah, it looks like a steamroller
took him out on Mannheim Road.
He's in room 1069.
Nice.
I mean, it sounds bad.
To be honest, I'm shocked you picked up.
He hadn't updated
his emergency contact in over 20 years.
Ah, shit, mine's probably still Kurt.
I bet Heidi wouldn't like that.
Should I make mine Daniel?
I don't know.
I don't know any of those people.
But before you go, you need to sign these.
After he goes into surgery,
we have to release him
to someone for outpatient care.
[laughing] Oh no. I'm just droppin' by.
He's not my problem anymore.
Merry Christmas, sweetie.
- Here's some lotion.
- Ugh.
All right, your turn, Dad.
Let's see you beat
my triple-word score on "khakis."
- Oopsie, my baby has a little spill.
- Ooh, Mom, I gotta get this.
- Gingerbread Jesus?
- Oh, a crown of candy corns.
So how are you two adjusting
to being empty nesters?
It's been tough not having my baby around.
- There's definitely a void.
- There is?
We know how you feel.
When Mark left for college,
we'd just sit in his room
polishing his coin collection.
Turns out, that ruins the value.
Sorry again, Mark.
Oh, it's fine, seriously.
[sniffles] Excuse me for a second.
Aunt Diane? You're breaking up.
I'm at West Side Hospital.
My ex had an accident.
Just letting you know
you're my emergency contact.
Hurry, or you're not gonna make it.
- [static]
- ...hospital...
...accident...
...emergency...
Hurry...
...not gonna make it.
Ah! Bright light!
Stay away from the light!
Shit. I meant to unplug my vibrator
to charge this thing.
Aunt Diane's at the hospital.
There's been some accident!
- What?
- Oh dear!
If she dies and ruins Christmas,
I will kill her.
- Where is she?
- She didn't say.
I'll call Mikey
and see if he's heard from her.
If she really is sick,
she should go to a church.
[inhales, exhales]
Diane Dunbrowski, you can't be here.
It's not safe.
Why?
Doc said if I pop a boner, I might die!
[laughs]
Okay, Sean, I'm not here for that.
What the hell happened to you?
I was tryin' to give the finger
to an electric car, and my bike slid out.
Got myself a bad case
of the Mannheim Steamroller.
This is worse than when that tiger
got a hold of ya at Joe Exotic's.
I miss him. I miss all the big cat folks.
I miss you, Diane.
[sighs]
Do me a favor.
I need another pillow under my leg.
Isn't there a nurse to do that?
Yeah, they don't like me.
I got a little handsy on the way in.
Which leg?
My third leg,
which is still workin',
by the way. [chuckles]
Any Hootie & the Blowfish,
I should hit the road.
- Where do you have to go?
- I got a ton of stuff.
Family, work party...
You've never been able to lie to me,
Diane Dunbrowski.
Except the time you said nothin' happened
on the Cheap Trick tour bus.
I know what you did on there.
All right, I'll stay for a bit,
but that's it.
Yeah, park that juicy dumper.
Enough.
You should get out of that leather jacket.
Can't. Melted into me.
We don't even know
which hospital Diane is at.
Are we supposed to just check all of them?
Guys, I'm on the phone!
Okay, I'll call Borough
and see if she made it to her work party.
And if you find her, Daniel,
do you have my number?
Yeah, I called you.
Heidi, I gotta go. It's an emergency.
But they're about to do "Jingle Birds."
It's their big number.
Uh, didn't they just do that?
That was "Jingle Bird Rock."
Are you even watching?
Sorry, but Diane's in trouble.
I can't believe you're gonna ditch me
for your ex right now.
What do you want me to do?
It's my kid's ma!
I'll stay with you, Heidi.
Go find your mom, Mikey.
Every time I think I can't love you more,
I love you more than more.
[grunts]
[Mikey] Who throws out waffle fries?
[beeping]
Do you remember that time
we were on the show Cheaters?
Yeah, I stabbed you.
What? Hey, only 'cause
I stabbed you first.
And then you ended up
bangin' that host. What was his name?
- Joey Greco.
- Joey Greco, yeah.
And I'm pretty sure you were there too.
[laughs] I was!
Well, someone had to hold the camera.
- [Diane] Aw!
- [laughs]
Oh, we had some magic, didn't we?
Don't get started, Sean.
I came here tonight for two reasons.
One, to tell you off,
and two, I had nothing better to do.
How does a 100% certified Black Angus
piece of prime meat like you
have nothin' to do tonight?
I guess no one wanted
to hang out with this old gal.
Well, this old guy is glad to see ya.
In fact, I think you could say
this is the best Christmas Eve
I've had in a long time.
[man] Okay, Bushwick branch,
what are you grateful for
this time of year?
I know a lot of people have said this,
but I'm also grateful
for the hair salon industry.
Ooh, it is Pander Express up in here.
Ooh, this is some softness realness.
[phone buzzes]
I just got a text from Diane's nephew.
Diane's been in an accident,
but they don't know
what hospital they took her to.
I'll go get my coats!
Okay, okay, okay, let's go!
Gideon, come on! We gotta go find her!
I can't leave. Corporate is watching.
Don't do that.
Don't be trifling. Diane needs us.
Damn it.
That woman ruins shit
even when her ass ain't here.
Ugh! All right, ladies, follow my lead.
[dramatic music]
Daniel, you were actually born here.
It was the first time
I'd ever been in a hospital.
It was the best day of my life.
Focus, Mom!
Right. Mark, you stay right here.
Copy that.
[other car honks]
Sorry. Sorry, moving. I'm moving.
...and then you walked outta that tent
buck naked, and you said,
[both] "All you bikers look the same!"
[both laughing]
You remember.
Oh, Diane, it's a shame
we couldn't make it work.
[coughs] We were always
goin' full throttle.
Yeah, but in opposite directions,
like yin and yang.
Correction, you were the yang
to my wang. [chuckles]
I gotta say,
when I hopped on my bike tonight
to go protest that multi-faith manger,
I didn't know I'd end up
going down memory lane.
And I didn't think
I'd be sober this late on Christmas Eve.
[gasps] That reminds me.
Oh no, you didn't.
[laughs] Pour some in my feedin' tube.
Okay. But then I am outta here.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
Oh y...
[groaning happily] Yummy.
Oh, you're still a Jack Daniel's girl.
You know it.
Ah! That's still piping hot!
Is there a Diane Dunbrowski here?
Stick-straight red hair,
aggressively pear-shaped, always smoking.
You just described
half the people who come in here.
Sorry, there's no patient by that name.
[Daniel groans]
Mmm, still good.
Come on, Mikey. Step on it.
- [siren wailing]
- Shit! Not now.
Ah, no. Oh no.
[Mikey] No. Oh no, Dad. What do I do?
Just sit there, all right?
Let me do the talkin'.
- Goin' pretty fast back there.
- Thanks for the warning, young gun.
I get it. We'll keep it under a hundred.
I'm on the job too.
TSA? That's cute.
They give you little badges to play with?
[sniffs] This car smells
like a distillery.
Oh, that's just my mom's lotion.
That's a new one.
Okay, you're gonna walk
a straight line for me.
[Kurt] He can't walk a straight line.
The kid was born
without fluid in his ears.
Oh no, Dad. I'm zig-zaggin' again.
[Mikey groaning]
[Kurt] Goddamn it!
When was the last time
we spent Christmas Eve together?
Oh, I don't know.
When you got on your motorcycle
and left forever?
Yeah, I mighta been
a piece of shit for doing that.
I'll call my bad.
Don't beat yourself up.
You look terrible already.
- Ha!
- [door opens]
We have to prep you for surgery.
Well, I should get outta your way.
Visit me tomorrow, Diane?
Oh, he won't be here tomorrow.
Nobody signed outpatient care for him,
so he's gonna be admitted
to a county disability ward post-op.
[sighs] Hell of a way
to spend Christmas, huh?
[groans]
Fine. Gimme those forms.
I'll take care of him.
Are you for real? Oh girl!
If I'm gonna be alone, I might as well
be alone with someone who needs me.
Merry Christmas, Sean Vincent.
You're damn right it's Merry Christmas!
We're takin' it back
from the lamestream media libtards!
- [whoops]
- All right, settle down.
Ugh. You're telling me
these people would know where Diane is?
[sniffs] She's been here.
Hey, girl. Um, have you seen Diana?
Yeah, she took off.
She said somethin' about
her favorite pierogi place.
I know it.
It's called Pierogi, Pierogi, Pierogi.
Is tourist trap.
That's near West Side Hospital.
Let's go!
Gideon, come on!
My shoes are stuck
to this nasty-ass floor.
God, I have so many regrets.
I never got to try that burger
where the buns are doughnuts.
Never got to see
my Russian bot farm in person.
But most of all, I regret
not making it work with you, Di.
Don't talk like that, Sean.
Listen to me.
If I go, I need you to do
a couple things for me.
You gotta take this thumb drive
and leak these celebrity nudes.
Also, take care of my dog.
He's got a big fight this week.
Oh, uh...
Also, in my hutch, there's some...
How should I say this?
Uh, World War II memorabilia.
I need you to go sell it for me
at the gun show in Indiana next week.
I don't think I'm comfortable...
[exaggerated coughing, groaning]
They say the last thing to die
is a man's penis.
All right, I gotta get a pop or somethin'.
Here. It's on me.
Ah, why are these so wet?
Just mail me the ticket!
My wife's in trouble!
Dad, you just called Mom your wife.
She's legally still my wife,
and it's important we're there for her.
You're not goin' anywhere
until I write this ticket.
Goddamn it!
Dad, I got this.
Officer, this is my mother.
She's a great woman, and she's in troub...
Wait a minute.
Your mom is Diane Dunbrowski?
She was my first arrest.
Oh, I was so nervous,
but she walked me through the whole thing.
Look, if Diane's in trouble,
you better go help her.
- Just be safe.
- Thank you so much.
And consider this ticket... mailed.
- Goddamn it!
- Aw, yeah!
What the heck?
This was full when I started my shift.
Who would steal
a bunch of cash for sick kids?
[grunts angrily]
You know, you are a piece of shit!
Speakin' of which,
my bed pan's full again.
A little help, please and stank you.
Stealing from sick children!
Oh, come on.
That money goes right into the pockets
of those lazy nurses.
I can't believe
I actually felt bad for you.
Irregardless, sweetie,
everyone bailed on you.
So where you gonna run off to?
I'm the only game in town.
You know, I would rather be
sad and alone on Christmas
than stuck with someone
who only cares about himself.
Goodbye, Sean Vincent.
Diane, wait.
I cheated on you on our wedding night!
I cheated on you at our rehearsal dinner!
Here you go, sweetie.
And can I get those forms back?
He's the county's problem now.
- [chatter]
- [Daniel] There you are!
- Diane.
- Ma, I almost walked a straight line!
What the hell are you guys doin' here?
We were worried about you.
All I could hear
was "emergency" and "hospital."
You all left what you were doing
because you guys think
I'm the best and greatest?
Yeah!
- Nah, I wouldn't put it like that.
- You owe me new shoes.
What happened to you anyway?
Doesn't matter.
What matters is that we're all together.
Hey, while we're here,
we should have a hospital party!
Ma'am, you can't have a party here.
But you guys got the best drugs.
Ah, that's okay. We can take 'em to go.
- Party at my place!
- [overlapping cheering, chatter]
- [Daniel] Let's do it!
- Ah, crap. Let me go grab my purse.
Suck it, hospital! [Sean whoops]
- Hmm. That son of a bitch.
- [motorcycle revving]
My purse. That son of a bitch!
He won't get far.
He has no shoes... or liver.
Thanks for lookin' for me, Gid.
Are you in trouble
for ditchin' the Borough party?
No, I took care of that.
[toy train's horn blowing]
[laughing]
Better watch out. I'm rubbin' off on ya.
[sniffs] Speaking of which,
do I smell my lotion?
It's actually pretty good.
We should talk about
sellin' it at the salon.
Is this a Christmas prank?
No, it is not. That's not even a thing.
Ugh. I just threw up.
I don't know what's going on.
That's the third time this week.
Well, maybe you're pregnant.
[Mark chuckles]
Hey, thanks for lookin' out for me today.
Sorry if I was a screwup in our marriage.
Both of 'em.
No, I don't think that.
I think you're great.
I mean, it's fine.
Mistletoe, Kurt.
- I gotta...
- Yeah, go on.
Don't get bird flu.
Everyone, family picture.
Oh, great. Everyone, get by the tree.
But be careful. I'm returning it tomorrow.
Say, "Happy frickin' holidays!"
- [all] Happy frickin' holidays!
- [phone makes shutter sound]
[dogs barking Christmas song]
[Diane] You know,
I knew the dogs that made this record.
[Daniel] You did?
[Diane laughs] Christmas prank!
[festive holiday music playing]
- [festive holiday music]
- [Diane] I love Christmastime in Chicago.
The family gatherings, the holiday spirit,
the hot rum-breath on all the mustaches.
But the best part
is the day before Christmas,
which I call Christmas Eve.
It's all the best parties
rolled into one night,
and I'm the lord and savior of them all!
Now, where is that damn holiday train?
Can't we just take a regular train?
I'm freezing.
The holiday train is like your Aunt Diane,
fully lit and only comes
for those who wait.
Okay, we gotta do less innuendo
in the new year.
It's frickin' here!
Wow, it's beautiful!
Yeah, that's how he gets ya.
How who gets you?
Ho, ho, ho!
Oh no.
Remember me, Santa?
You came down my chimney,
and all I got was crabs.
Sweet baby Jesus.
So how you gonna make it up to me?
[groans]
Daniel, how great is this?
Truth is, I already had the crabs.
[both laughing]
Happy freakin' holidays!
[Diane and Daniel cheer]
I got a killer lineup
for Christmas Eve tonight.
First, we go to your parents
for appeteazers,
then Mikey's for hot toddies,
then to Borough for my work party.
But right now, let's crack open
this pony keg and our gifts.
[grunts]
Aw! It's a jar of... warm mayonnaise?
No, it's my famous homemade lotion.
This year, it's Malört-scented,
which also keeps the bugs away
come bikini season.
Wow, this is actually nice.
Is it normal for my arm to feel drunk?
That's how you know it's workin'.
By the way, I'm gonna need that jar back.
- Right now?
- Yeah.
Just scoop out the lotion
and put it in some foil. Now my turn!
Honey baked ham dick!
A new computer phone?
How could you afford this?
It's actually my old one.
I transferred your contacts,
and you still have the same number.
312-DIROCKS.
Look at me. I'm so fancy.
- Now I can watch porn on my phone.
- [rings]
Ah! God, no! Make it go away!
Merry Christmas to you too, Di.
I see that Daniel gave you your present.
I have your gift too.
Once Daniel gives me the jar back,
you can have it.
What time do you want us
to come over tonight?
Oh, this year,
we're going to Mark's parents.
- What do you think, hon?
- No.
- I told you at Thanksgiving.
- Oh, okay.
You told me critical information
on the 16th biggest
drinking day of the year?
I'd ask you to come,
but they're Christian Scientists,
and they believe in prayer over medicine.
You're too big a health risk
for their immune system.
That's ridic...
[coughing, wheezing]
Daniel, we'll see you in an hour,
and wear your Christmas vest.
You're goin' too?
Sorry, Aunt Diane, but you do have
more of a New Year's Eve energy.
Plus, he has to be home for Santa to come.
Santa comes anywhere, trust me.
Diane, that is inappropriate
when you're talking about Santa...
Phone off!
- Uh, are you going to be okay tonight?
- Of course I am.
I'm gonna have a great dinner with Mikey
and then arrive
at my work party fashionably late.
Why would I wanna go to Mark's parents'
lame-ass, milquetoast...
We're still on the phone.
...positively delightful get-together.
Okay, bye!
Daniel, hang it up for me.
♪ ...six geese a-layin' ♪
♪ Five golden... ♪
Balls!
Ma, what are you doin' here?
I know I'm early,
but I figured we could pregame.
Gabriella, you look gorgeous, sweetie.
- Thank you, Miss Dunbrowski.
- So where's everybody headed?
Um, we were just leavin'
to go to the Zoo Lights. I texted ya.
Zoo Lights!
Oh, I could get down with that.
It was Heidi's idea.
She loves the bird exhibit.
Have you two officially met?
Hi, I'm Heidi.
Hello, sweetie.
So, what's the lowdown
with this bird show? They just fly around?
Well, they also sing and dance.
Those angels are so talented.
Okay, that does sound
kind of funny. I'm in.
Sorry, Ma, but we had to
get tickets ahead of time.
I would've gotten you one,
but you got that lifetime ban
from the zoo.
Yeah, I guess the monkeys
can throw poop at you,
but if you throw it back,
you're the bad guy.
Now that I think about it,
I can't join ya anyway.
I have to be at my work party.
I'm very busy.
Mikey and Gabriella,
here's your present. It's lotion I made.
I love ya both.
- Thanks, Ma.
- Thanks, Mrs. Dunbrowski.
Merry Christmas, Diane.
Thanks, Kurt. Have fun, everyone.
And watch out for the girl monkey.
She's got a frickin' arm on her.
[jaunty holiday music]
[door slams open]
- [wind rushing]
- Merry cosmos and a happy new beer!
I never thought I'd say this,
but I am glad to be at work.
Oh thank God you're here.
Girl, we need someone to fill in
the awkward spaces in conversation.
Check this out.
I thought of it in the cab.
Woo! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Pabst.
Come on, people, let's frickin' party!
Diane, stop!
Corporate is watching.
Every Borough location is livestreaming.
There's absolutely no drinking allowed.
We can't drink at a holiday party?
This is an infringement
on my religious freedoms.
You are not oppressed!
Come on, let's set up
some fake cardboard people,
put 'em on strings like Home Alone,
and go get blottoed in the break room.
Hmm, let's see.
Get drunk with you in a closet,
or keep my 401(k).
Hmm, I'm really gonna have to
think about this one for a second.
- [man] Attention, Borough fam...
- Okay, ladies, focus up.
Hey, everybody, it's your boy,
actor and corporate influencer,
Jerry Ferrara.
If you're celebrating
the Borough holiday party, press one.
For Wetzel's Pretzels, press two.
For Monsanto, smash three.
For a holiday party where you can't drink,
press my mouth against a tailpipe...
Hush!
♪ 'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the crib ♪
♪ No homies were stirring over here ♪
♪ Not even a friggin' mous e ♪
[coughs]
That wasn't champagne. I'm coughing.
Diane, that's strike number two.
- You're out.
- It's three strikes and you're out.
It's two strikes in Corporate America.
And one if you Black.
Tina, Zuzs, whaddya say?
You two, me,
parking lot, bottle of schnapps,
maybe a smokie, maybe a tokie...
Diane, stop. Okay, stop.
We also choose 401(k).
I want to retire by time I'm 40.
How are you not 40?
Fine, I'll go to a real party,
where people know how to have fun.
Sanctuary!
♪ ...sleep in heavenly peace ♪
[mic feedback]
That's my daughter's favorite song.
Haven't seen her in two decades.
Now, these are my people.
- Larry, how are ya?
- [mumbles incoherently]
Your son got into Northwestern? Congrats!
Diane, what are you doin' here?
Christmas Eve is the one night of the year
you don't come in.
What can I say? I missed my crew.
You, Larry,
that guy cryin' while he sings.
Luanne, what say you and me
hit up the karaoke together?
I'm thinkin', "The Boy Is Mine."
Shotgun, Brandy!
I can't. I gotta clean up that guy's puke.
And that guy's puke. You want somethin'?
Just give me an Old Style
with an egg in it.
Here you go, Larry.
Don't even worry
about givin' me the bag back.
[Larry mumbling indistinctly]
Jeez, even Larry's got a family dinner.
I wanted a beer nog, Luanne.
Huh. And I wanted
to marry Martina Navratilova,
and yet I'm not allowed
within 1,000 yards of her.
[sighs]
Gotta say, Luanne,
this is not how I pictured my night goin'.
Christmas is about
bein' with those you're closest to,
and yet, here I am, basically alone.
Without you, this would be
my most pathetic Christmas Eve ever.
Yeah, I know. I wish I was there too.
Just waitin' for these losers
to get outta here.
- Fuck me.
- [phone buzzes]
Go for Double D.
Hi, I'm calling from West Side Hospital.
That's right by my favorite pierogi place.
Is this Diane Dunbrowski
who was married to a Sean Vincent?
Yeah, he's my piece of shit
second husband,
but I haven't seen him in 20 years.
Well, I'm sorry to tell you this,
but Mr. Vincent's
been in a motorcycle accident.
Oh, that's too bad.
I hope the asphalt's okay.
You're Mr. Vincent's emergency contact,
so we're required by law to notify you.
Would you like to come see him?
[sobbing]
All right, I love you guys too.
Hey, and save me some dessert.
Yeah, fine. I'll be right there.
Sorry, guys, gotta go.
Can I come?
Uh, see, the thing about that is...
Okay, bye!
I'm here to see Sean Vincent.
Oh yeah, it looks like a steamroller
took him out on Mannheim Road.
He's in room 1069.
Nice.
I mean, it sounds bad.
To be honest, I'm shocked you picked up.
He hadn't updated
his emergency contact in over 20 years.
Ah, shit, mine's probably still Kurt.
I bet Heidi wouldn't like that.
Should I make mine Daniel?
I don't know.
I don't know any of those people.
But before you go, you need to sign these.
After he goes into surgery,
we have to release him
to someone for outpatient care.
[laughing] Oh no. I'm just droppin' by.
He's not my problem anymore.
Merry Christmas, sweetie.
- Here's some lotion.
- Ugh.
All right, your turn, Dad.
Let's see you beat
my triple-word score on "khakis."
- Oopsie, my baby has a little spill.
- Ooh, Mom, I gotta get this.
- Gingerbread Jesus?
- Oh, a crown of candy corns.
So how are you two adjusting
to being empty nesters?
It's been tough not having my baby around.
- There's definitely a void.
- There is?
We know how you feel.
When Mark left for college,
we'd just sit in his room
polishing his coin collection.
Turns out, that ruins the value.
Sorry again, Mark.
Oh, it's fine, seriously.
[sniffles] Excuse me for a second.
Aunt Diane? You're breaking up.
I'm at West Side Hospital.
My ex had an accident.
Just letting you know
you're my emergency contact.
Hurry, or you're not gonna make it.
- [static]
- ...hospital...
...accident...
...emergency...
Hurry...
...not gonna make it.
Ah! Bright light!
Stay away from the light!
Shit. I meant to unplug my vibrator
to charge this thing.
Aunt Diane's at the hospital.
There's been some accident!
- What?
- Oh dear!
If she dies and ruins Christmas,
I will kill her.
- Where is she?
- She didn't say.
I'll call Mikey
and see if he's heard from her.
If she really is sick,
she should go to a church.
[inhales, exhales]
Diane Dunbrowski, you can't be here.
It's not safe.
Why?
Doc said if I pop a boner, I might die!
[laughs]
Okay, Sean, I'm not here for that.
What the hell happened to you?
I was tryin' to give the finger
to an electric car, and my bike slid out.
Got myself a bad case
of the Mannheim Steamroller.
This is worse than when that tiger
got a hold of ya at Joe Exotic's.
I miss him. I miss all the big cat folks.
I miss you, Diane.
[sighs]
Do me a favor.
I need another pillow under my leg.
Isn't there a nurse to do that?
Yeah, they don't like me.
I got a little handsy on the way in.
Which leg?
My third leg,
which is still workin',
by the way. [chuckles]
Any Hootie & the Blowfish,
I should hit the road.
- Where do you have to go?
- I got a ton of stuff.
Family, work party...
You've never been able to lie to me,
Diane Dunbrowski.
Except the time you said nothin' happened
on the Cheap Trick tour bus.
I know what you did on there.
All right, I'll stay for a bit,
but that's it.
Yeah, park that juicy dumper.
Enough.
You should get out of that leather jacket.
Can't. Melted into me.
We don't even know
which hospital Diane is at.
Are we supposed to just check all of them?
Guys, I'm on the phone!
Okay, I'll call Borough
and see if she made it to her work party.
And if you find her, Daniel,
do you have my number?
Yeah, I called you.
Heidi, I gotta go. It's an emergency.
But they're about to do "Jingle Birds."
It's their big number.
Uh, didn't they just do that?
That was "Jingle Bird Rock."
Are you even watching?
Sorry, but Diane's in trouble.
I can't believe you're gonna ditch me
for your ex right now.
What do you want me to do?
It's my kid's ma!
I'll stay with you, Heidi.
Go find your mom, Mikey.
Every time I think I can't love you more,
I love you more than more.
[grunts]
[Mikey] Who throws out waffle fries?
[beeping]
Do you remember that time
we were on the show Cheaters?
Yeah, I stabbed you.
What? Hey, only 'cause
I stabbed you first.
And then you ended up
bangin' that host. What was his name?
- Joey Greco.
- Joey Greco, yeah.
And I'm pretty sure you were there too.
[laughs] I was!
Well, someone had to hold the camera.
- [Diane] Aw!
- [laughs]
Oh, we had some magic, didn't we?
Don't get started, Sean.
I came here tonight for two reasons.
One, to tell you off,
and two, I had nothing better to do.
How does a 100% certified Black Angus
piece of prime meat like you
have nothin' to do tonight?
I guess no one wanted
to hang out with this old gal.
Well, this old guy is glad to see ya.
In fact, I think you could say
this is the best Christmas Eve
I've had in a long time.
[man] Okay, Bushwick branch,
what are you grateful for
this time of year?
I know a lot of people have said this,
but I'm also grateful
for the hair salon industry.
Ooh, it is Pander Express up in here.
Ooh, this is some softness realness.
[phone buzzes]
I just got a text from Diane's nephew.
Diane's been in an accident,
but they don't know
what hospital they took her to.
I'll go get my coats!
Okay, okay, okay, let's go!
Gideon, come on! We gotta go find her!
I can't leave. Corporate is watching.
Don't do that.
Don't be trifling. Diane needs us.
Damn it.
That woman ruins shit
even when her ass ain't here.
Ugh! All right, ladies, follow my lead.
[dramatic music]
Daniel, you were actually born here.
It was the first time
I'd ever been in a hospital.
It was the best day of my life.
Focus, Mom!
Right. Mark, you stay right here.
Copy that.
[other car honks]
Sorry. Sorry, moving. I'm moving.
...and then you walked outta that tent
buck naked, and you said,
[both] "All you bikers look the same!"
[both laughing]
You remember.
Oh, Diane, it's a shame
we couldn't make it work.
[coughs] We were always
goin' full throttle.
Yeah, but in opposite directions,
like yin and yang.
Correction, you were the yang
to my wang. [chuckles]
I gotta say,
when I hopped on my bike tonight
to go protest that multi-faith manger,
I didn't know I'd end up
going down memory lane.
And I didn't think
I'd be sober this late on Christmas Eve.
[gasps] That reminds me.
Oh no, you didn't.
[laughs] Pour some in my feedin' tube.
Okay. But then I am outta here.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
Oh y...
[groaning happily] Yummy.
Oh, you're still a Jack Daniel's girl.
You know it.
Ah! That's still piping hot!
Is there a Diane Dunbrowski here?
Stick-straight red hair,
aggressively pear-shaped, always smoking.
You just described
half the people who come in here.
Sorry, there's no patient by that name.
[Daniel groans]
Mmm, still good.
Come on, Mikey. Step on it.
- [siren wailing]
- Shit! Not now.
Ah, no. Oh no.
[Mikey] No. Oh no, Dad. What do I do?
Just sit there, all right?
Let me do the talkin'.
- Goin' pretty fast back there.
- Thanks for the warning, young gun.
I get it. We'll keep it under a hundred.
I'm on the job too.
TSA? That's cute.
They give you little badges to play with?
[sniffs] This car smells
like a distillery.
Oh, that's just my mom's lotion.
That's a new one.
Okay, you're gonna walk
a straight line for me.
[Kurt] He can't walk a straight line.
The kid was born
without fluid in his ears.
Oh no, Dad. I'm zig-zaggin' again.
[Mikey groaning]
[Kurt] Goddamn it!
When was the last time
we spent Christmas Eve together?
Oh, I don't know.
When you got on your motorcycle
and left forever?
Yeah, I mighta been
a piece of shit for doing that.
I'll call my bad.
Don't beat yourself up.
You look terrible already.
- Ha!
- [door opens]
We have to prep you for surgery.
Well, I should get outta your way.
Visit me tomorrow, Diane?
Oh, he won't be here tomorrow.
Nobody signed outpatient care for him,
so he's gonna be admitted
to a county disability ward post-op.
[sighs] Hell of a way
to spend Christmas, huh?
[groans]
Fine. Gimme those forms.
I'll take care of him.
Are you for real? Oh girl!
If I'm gonna be alone, I might as well
be alone with someone who needs me.
Merry Christmas, Sean Vincent.
You're damn right it's Merry Christmas!
We're takin' it back
from the lamestream media libtards!
- [whoops]
- All right, settle down.
Ugh. You're telling me
these people would know where Diane is?
[sniffs] She's been here.
Hey, girl. Um, have you seen Diana?
Yeah, she took off.
She said somethin' about
her favorite pierogi place.
I know it.
It's called Pierogi, Pierogi, Pierogi.
Is tourist trap.
That's near West Side Hospital.
Let's go!
Gideon, come on!
My shoes are stuck
to this nasty-ass floor.
God, I have so many regrets.
I never got to try that burger
where the buns are doughnuts.
Never got to see
my Russian bot farm in person.
But most of all, I regret
not making it work with you, Di.
Don't talk like that, Sean.
Listen to me.
If I go, I need you to do
a couple things for me.
You gotta take this thumb drive
and leak these celebrity nudes.
Also, take care of my dog.
He's got a big fight this week.
Oh, uh...
Also, in my hutch, there's some...
How should I say this?
Uh, World War II memorabilia.
I need you to go sell it for me
at the gun show in Indiana next week.
I don't think I'm comfortable...
[exaggerated coughing, groaning]
They say the last thing to die
is a man's penis.
All right, I gotta get a pop or somethin'.
Here. It's on me.
Ah, why are these so wet?
Just mail me the ticket!
My wife's in trouble!
Dad, you just called Mom your wife.
She's legally still my wife,
and it's important we're there for her.
You're not goin' anywhere
until I write this ticket.
Goddamn it!
Dad, I got this.
Officer, this is my mother.
She's a great woman, and she's in troub...
Wait a minute.
Your mom is Diane Dunbrowski?
She was my first arrest.
Oh, I was so nervous,
but she walked me through the whole thing.
Look, if Diane's in trouble,
you better go help her.
- Just be safe.
- Thank you so much.
And consider this ticket... mailed.
- Goddamn it!
- Aw, yeah!
What the heck?
This was full when I started my shift.
Who would steal
a bunch of cash for sick kids?
[grunts angrily]
You know, you are a piece of shit!
Speakin' of which,
my bed pan's full again.
A little help, please and stank you.
Stealing from sick children!
Oh, come on.
That money goes right into the pockets
of those lazy nurses.
I can't believe
I actually felt bad for you.
Irregardless, sweetie,
everyone bailed on you.
So where you gonna run off to?
I'm the only game in town.
You know, I would rather be
sad and alone on Christmas
than stuck with someone
who only cares about himself.
Goodbye, Sean Vincent.
Diane, wait.
I cheated on you on our wedding night!
I cheated on you at our rehearsal dinner!
Here you go, sweetie.
And can I get those forms back?
He's the county's problem now.
- [chatter]
- [Daniel] There you are!
- Diane.
- Ma, I almost walked a straight line!
What the hell are you guys doin' here?
We were worried about you.
All I could hear
was "emergency" and "hospital."
You all left what you were doing
because you guys think
I'm the best and greatest?
Yeah!
- Nah, I wouldn't put it like that.
- You owe me new shoes.
What happened to you anyway?
Doesn't matter.
What matters is that we're all together.
Hey, while we're here,
we should have a hospital party!
Ma'am, you can't have a party here.
But you guys got the best drugs.
Ah, that's okay. We can take 'em to go.
- Party at my place!
- [overlapping cheering, chatter]
- [Daniel] Let's do it!
- Ah, crap. Let me go grab my purse.
Suck it, hospital! [Sean whoops]
- Hmm. That son of a bitch.
- [motorcycle revving]
My purse. That son of a bitch!
He won't get far.
He has no shoes... or liver.
Thanks for lookin' for me, Gid.
Are you in trouble
for ditchin' the Borough party?
No, I took care of that.
[toy train's horn blowing]
[laughing]
Better watch out. I'm rubbin' off on ya.
[sniffs] Speaking of which,
do I smell my lotion?
It's actually pretty good.
We should talk about
sellin' it at the salon.
Is this a Christmas prank?
No, it is not. That's not even a thing.
Ugh. I just threw up.
I don't know what's going on.
That's the third time this week.
Well, maybe you're pregnant.
[Mark chuckles]
Hey, thanks for lookin' out for me today.
Sorry if I was a screwup in our marriage.
Both of 'em.
No, I don't think that.
I think you're great.
I mean, it's fine.
Mistletoe, Kurt.
- I gotta...
- Yeah, go on.
Don't get bird flu.
Everyone, family picture.
Oh, great. Everyone, get by the tree.
But be careful. I'm returning it tomorrow.
Say, "Happy frickin' holidays!"
- [all] Happy frickin' holidays!
- [phone makes shutter sound]
[dogs barking Christmas song]
[Diane] You know,
I knew the dogs that made this record.
[Daniel] You did?
[Diane laughs] Christmas prank!
[festive holiday music playing]