Chicago Party Aunt (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Beefys - full transcript
[neon buzzing]
Ah, shit! I'm late for work!
Damn it, Diane! You're already at work.
Ah, hell yeah.
I'm tryin' this new thing
where instead of goin' home
when I get hammered,
I sleep at work so I'm not late.
It's called being responsible, Tina.
[gags]
False alarm.
Anyhoo, what are you doing here so early?
I'm doin' prep for InstaGlam.
I do hair and makeup for events
as my side hustle.
Side hustle?
Why would you wanna
work more than you have to?
My motto's always been
"work soft, play hard."
You do know people my age
have multiple jobs, right?
Anyway, tomorrow night, I'm doin'
the Beefy Awards at the Field Museum.
Aw, hell yeah! The Beefys!
The Beefys are
the biggest event of the year!
New York has the Met Gala,
L.A. has the Oscars,
and Chicago has the Beefys.
It's an award show that celebrates
and honors Windy City excellence.
Yeah, I know. I just told you about it.
Tina, you gotta take me! I'll do anything!
Nope. They're only payin'
for one makeup artist.
Then we'll Trojan horse it.
That's when you throw condoms at security
and then run by them on all fours.
Diane, no. My hands are tied.
Can you at least FaceCall me
when you're there?
No, I'll be working.
Ah, maybe next year.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go clean my PTA.
Oh no. What's your PTA?
Pits, tits, and ass.
It's called hygiene, Tina. Hmm.
This woman is a miracle.
[opening theme music playing]
It's all about the gel.
And I know. I'm on my feet all day.
- Mikey and Daniel!
- Ma!
The cousins are hangin' out!
Mikey and I were just
talking about shoe insoles.
Ah, inserts.
I'm gonna go make my lunch.
What are you doin'
on the North Side, baby boy?
Ma, can you sit?
I have somethin'
very important to ask you.
Yes, the Camaro is yours when I pass.
No, Ma, I met someone, and I'm in love.
Oh, Mikey, is this another Ukrainian girl
from a chat room?
Did ya already send her iTunes gift cards?
This new girl's name is Gabriella.
She works at the Go-Go White Sox Grill
in the Terminal One food court.
Mikey, she's gorgeous!
Wait, they're doin' a 4.99
hot dog lunch special over there?
Yeah, Ma.
And she gives me extra hot peppers
without me even askin'.
Okay, this babe's a keeper.
I know, Ma.
And tomorrow night, I'm cookin'
the traditional Mexican dish, mole,
for her and her folks.
I think it's pronounced mo-lay.
You know what? Never mind.
I gotta get to work.
I'm tryin' to impress her parents.
Her mom's a real tough cookie.
It would mean a lot to me
if you were there.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
And if there's anything you need,
you let me know.
Thanks, Ma.
Actually, can I borrow some pots and pans,
and some plates and silverware?
Oh, and do you have light bulbs?
[tranquil music playing]
I have a kale grail for... Zale?
- I'm Zale.
- Oh, hey, wait. I'm Zale too.
Was it a male Zale or a female Zale?
Daniel, hmm, gender is a construct,
and you are legally not allowed
to ask that question.
[whispers] It was the guy.
Hi, honey!
- Mom.
- Someone looks professional.
But stand up straight.
You have your father's soft back.
You have to do your stretches.
Did you guys come here
just to tell me that?
No, we brought you your tux
for the Beefy Awards tomorrow night.
Ugh, Mom, it's just gonna be
a bunch of judgy snobs
asking me what I'm doing
with my life. No, thanks.
Well, those judgy snobs
have placed my accounting firm
in charge of the results.
And we're very proud.
Why don't you just take Aunt Diane?
- Yeah, she'd be fun.
- Are you two insane?
The photographer from
Northshore magazine is going to be there,
and I don't need another family photo
featuring her bare nipples.
It is a big night for our family,
and you're going.
Fine. But I'm not wearing a cummerbund.
What in the world is beet powder?
Oh, boy! [grunts]
[sneezes]
I guess we should beet it?
[Bonnie inhales, sighs wearily]
I gotta tell ya, Joe,
the pony looks great.
Thanks. Yeah, it took me
three years to grow it out,
but my ex-wife's always loved
long hair on guys.
Tonight's the night I win her back.
Hey, Diane, I know this is last minute,
but I just got off the phone
with the Beefys people,
and I need another set of hands tonight.
- You still want in?
- Son of a bitch! I can't!
Now I got a goddamn thing
at Mikey's house.
Oh well, that's too bad.
They just changed the closing number.
So now, a bunch of old Chicago Bears
are gonna do some song and dance
they used to do.
Wait a second. Are you sayin'
the 1985 Chicago Bears
are performing the Shuffle
at the Beefy Awards?
Tina, I'm in!
Did you just cut off my pony?
I did.
I'll give ya an extra punch
on your loyalty card.
Don't worry, kiddo.
You're gonna have
a frickin' blast tonight.
The Bears are doin' the Shuffle
one last time.
This is like if the Beatles reunited
and then won the frickin' Super Bowl!
- [angelic choir singing]
- Michael Jordan cologne.
Only for the special-est of occasions.
[coughing]
Uh, but what about Mikey's dinner?
I'm not gonna miss it.
It's called party-hopping.
Here's how it'll go.
First, we arrive at the Beefys,
right on time,
and immediately hit the carpet.
The big three snap some pics:
Tribune, Sun-Times, Polish Daily News.
I have a little champagne,
a little lobster,
do a little hobnobbin',
a little knob slobbin',
a little more lobster.
We take our seats, and boom, show starts.
Award, award, award.
And next thing you know,
it's Shuffle time!
Then, it's out the door
and over to Mikey's to meet his new gal.
See, Daniel?
I got the whole night planned out.
- We're already 20 minutes late.
- Ah, shit.
Why'd you let me go on like that?
[jaunty fanfare playing]
This is the most beautiful sight
these eyes have ever seen.
The carpet's yellow
because we all hate ketchup.
[reporter 1] WGN weatherman, Tom Skilling,
who are you eating?
Portillo's!
- [reporter 2] Scottie, who are you eating?
- Al's Beef, double-dipped.
[sniffs]
Is MJ here?
[Tina] Diane. Dia... Diane!
One at a time, boys!
Diane, I didn't hire you
to pretend to be a celebrity.
I need you on rosacea duty.
One sec, Teen.
Just giving these animals
the red meat they're beggin' for.
Ma'am, please. Steve Wilkos has arrived.
Move it along!
[elegant jazz playing]
Such an honor to be
in charge of the Golden Beef Case, Mark.
The only one who knows the winner
of the Chicagoan of the Year
is this little guy right here.
I feel like I'm on Deal or No Deal.
[Bonnie chuckling awkwardly]
Good one, Mark.
What a strange and charming family.
Oh, how lovely.
Daniel, pull up your cummerbund.
Has anyone seen the photographer?
I wanna capture
this absolutely perfect moment.
[Diane laughing]
Hey, not so fast
with those mini egg rolls, butt cheeks.
[intense music playing]
Hey, Diane's here.
Oh dear Lord.
Bon! Would you look at us?
Not bad for two trash bags
from the South Side, huh?
Diane!
- [Diane yelping in pain]
- How are you here?
Tell me you didn't
Trojan horse your way inside.
I'll have you know,
I'm here as an honored guest,
thank you very much.
Diane, where the hell have you been?
Every guest has meat sweats.
They need powder!
Okay, busted. I'm here to work.
But that doesn't mean I can't have fun.
Uh, yes, it does.
If you'll excuse me,
I'm needed backstage
with the rest of the A-listers.
[woman] Hoy, vamos a preparar
la auténtica salsa de mole.
I don't know what you're sayin'. Ugh.
I am starvin'. How long till we chow down?
Wait, is that what you're wearin'?
- What? These are my best jorts.
- Dad.
Okay, okay.
I didn't realize we were at the Pump Room.
So, uh, what are we servin'?
This juicy little guy.
We're eatin' mole!
Mikey, ya can't
serve these people a rodent!
- Dad, what are you doin'?
- [doorbell rings]
Oh my God, they're here. I got no plan B!
Don't worry, we'll make it nice, okay?
We'll order in Carson's Ribs.
[in Spanish] Welcome your friends.
[in English] Aw, you practiced!
[in Spanish] Not enough.
Mom, please.
[in English] Nice to see you again.
Dad, this is Gabriella
and her parents, Miguel and Rosalita.
Kurt Kosinski, pleasure to meet ya.
Miguel Gomez. This is my wife Rosalita.
[scoffs]
Sorry we're late.
We had trouble finding parking.
There's a Crown Victoria
taking up two spaces out front.
That's mine.
Sorry about that.
I was in a rush. I had to work late.
Gabriella tells us
you're an airport family.
That's right, Midway International.
I'm a TSA agent.
So is Miguel.
At O'Hare,
the busiest airport in the world.
Uh... [in Spanish] Please enter me.
[in Spanish] Did he just ask us
to enter him?
[Mikey] Where are you, Ma?
Everyone's here.
Shoot. It's okay. It's okay.
I'm just gonna miss
the pre-dinner chitchat.
Kurt can handle that.
Forgot my phone.
Have to go back.
- [wind rushing]
- [gasps]
[triumphant music playing]
Holy shit, they're here.
- Ten-four. The Bears have arrived.
- Hey, headset, we gotta get this moving!
We're trying,
but no one's taking their seats.
Fine, I'm on it.
Sweetie, you're good to go.
Mark, Mark, there's Northshore magazine.
This is our chance to get the photo!
Oh, leave the Beef Case.
I didn't starve myself for a week
to be overshadowed by a tacky eyesore.
Daniel, hold this.
[Diane] I'll finish that.
Take your seat, please.
The show's about to start.
Anyone not seated
won't get a seat! Come on!
Some of us have other commitments!
Gonna be a very long night.
I heard they had to add a second
In Memoriam just for heart disease.
[guest laughs]
If you'll excuse me,
I have to use the restroom.
[Daniel sighs]
[man] You bored too, kid?
Hi, I'm Andy.
Oh my God, Andy Richter?
I know who you are.
I'm so happy to meet
a celebrity I actually recognize.
What are you doing here?
They're giving me my fifth
Lifetime Achievement award tonight.
You're from Chicago?
Well, Yorkville, about an hour away.
But you know
how this city loves to claim people.
I kinda hate these award shows.
No offense.
Oh, this isn't mine.
I don't wanna be here either.
Yeah, the only thing that's gonna make
tonight bearable is gettin' high!
[chewing loudly]
Weed brownie?
Um, yeah, sure.
Whoa!
That's, like, for ten people.
[swallows loudly]
Maybe we should get some fresh air.
Sure, some people here might own a Monet,
but do they even know Magritte
was the real revolutionary?
Sorry, what was the question?
I asked you what your last name was.
I think that brownie's kickin' in.
Mr. Richter, you're needed backstage.
Well, Daniel,
it was nice hanging with you,
and good luck with all your art stuff.
Oh, and a little Richter tip?
Lay off the cologne.
[eerie music playing]
This place is like a maze.
[Daniel] Andy?
Whoa.
[Bonnie exhales]
- How do I look?
- Like you're hungry.
Oh, thank you!
All right, say "beef" on three. One, two...
[Diane] Attention everyone!
Everyone! Stop what you're doing.
Take your seats, turn off your phones,
no flash photography.
The Beefys are now beginning!
- [crowd cheering]
- What is she doing?
Wait, sir! Sir, we're ready!
Mr. Whiddington, you're needed
backstage with the Beef Case.
[dramatic musical flourish]
- Bonnie, where the fudge is Daniel?
- I don't fudging know, Mark!
- [phone ringing]
- No.
[beeps]
[panicked breathing]
[whimpers]
[yelps]
[whimpering]
[eerie voice] Daniel.
Daniel.
Daniel.
Did you catch the Bears game this weekend?
Well, I'm more of a soccer man.
The skill, the grace, the agility...
And the men are more handsome.
More handsome?
Uh, you ever heard of Dick Butkus?
- He's freakin' gorgeous.
- [Mikey] Ah, come on!
- I'm gonna go help Mikey in the kitchen.
- [clattering]
Babe, is everything okay?
No, this night's a disaster.
I messed up dinner,
the delivery's takin' forever
because of the frickin' Beefys,
and your mom hates me.
She doesn't hate you.
She's just having a terrible time.
[sighs] And where the hell's my mom?
So, thanks, yous guys,
for namin' me Thickest Chicago Accent.
I'd like to thank my tree sons,
my tree daughters,
and my tree ex-wives.
- Okay, I guess dat's my time.
- [applause]
- [fanfare on Diane's phone]
- Hey, stop playing people off.
- Diane, have you seen Daniel?
- No, I haven't.
Hey, Mark, can we get to
Chicagoan of the Year already?
I need the Bears
to start shufflin'. Ticktock!
Daniel has the Beef Case.
The results are in the Beef Case.
Nothing happens without the Beef Case!
- [fanfare stops]
- Damn it!
I'll miss some of Mikey's dinner,
but I can still make dessert.
Okay, I'll go find Daniel.
You keep the show going.
You are killing it, Tina.
You know you're not gettin' paid for this.
[eerie, distorted vocalizations]
- [growls]
- [Daniel yelps]
[phone ringing]
- [beeps]
- Aunt Diane?
[Diane] Where the hell are ya?
I don't know.
I'm incredibly scared,
a little starstruck,
and I had some pot brownie.
[Diane] Ah, shit, you were hangin' out
with Andy Richter, weren't ya?
- He was so nice!
- [Diane] Okay, describe where ya are.
- Hope you're all hungry.
- Oh thank God.
The relish finally defrosted.
[plane whooshing]
That's probably the 8:05 to St. Louis.
Does this happen often?
We live below
what they call a flight super-path.
Mikey lives close to the airport
so it's easy for him to get to work.
No, that's the 8:05 to St. Louis.
I don't know how anyone
can live like this.
Daniel.
Daniel!
Fuckin' Richter.
[sniffs]
Wait a second.
Michael Jordan cologne.
[Daniel whimpers]
Hey, Daniel, it's me.
Aunt Diane!
I realized time is a circle,
and one day, we'll be the bones,
and the dinosaurs
will be the ones looking at us.
How much of that brownie did you eat?
All of it.
First of all, that fuckin' rocks.
Second of all, save some for a bitch.
Now, come on. We gotta go.
I don't want to. I hate the Beefys.
I don't fit in with those people.
Yeah, Daniel, and you don't want to.
It's not about you fittin' in.
Fittin' in is boring.
You didn't skip goin' to Stanford
so you can sit in the belly
of a big, dead dog
while Chicago's funnest party
is in the next room.
Come on down, Daniel.
We gotta save the Beefys,
and then I gotta hightail it to Mikey's.
[distorted roar]
Sue, thank you for your protections.
Okay, still high as shit.
- [applause]
- [nervous chuckle]
Where are they?
Why did we trust Diane to find him?
[echoing] Thank you, Chicago.
This Lifetime Achievement Award
is gonna look great in my panic room
next to the other four.
[echoing] And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for...
Here to present the Golden Beef Case,
from the accounting firm
of Jernston, Waterprice, and Bouche,
Mark Whiddington.
That's you.
Um, hello.
Mark, where's the Beef Case?
[crowd murmuring]
- [nervous chuckle]
- [crowd boos]
[woman] Where's the Beef Case?
- [woman 2] Get off the stage!
- [man] You suck!
[woman 3] Boo... to you!
[dramatic music playing]
Mark!
[slowed down] I got it!
[Beef Case clanging]
Hmm. [awkward chuckling]
Uh... [chuckles]
[Mark] Oh God. Get back here. [sighs]
[grunts, laughs-nervously]
[yelps]
And the winner
of the Chicagoan of the Year is...
once again, Andy Richter!
[applause]
Are you kidding me?
Guys, I haven't lived here
for, like, 30 years.
Damn it. Let's go. Let's go.
Get to the Bears!
[gasps]
[jaunty fanfare plays]
♪ Bear down, Chicago Bears ♪
♪ Make every play
Clear the way to victory ♪
♪ Bear down, Chicago Bears ♪
♪ Put up a fight
With the might so fearlessly ♪
Da... Da... Ditka. Da coach.
And da Bears.
Da Bears and da coach!
- How ya doin', honey?
- Coach, I am your biggest fan.
I've seen every game you ever coached.
And I flashed ya
when you lost to the Packers in '92.
Best part of that fuckin' game.
Excuse me, Mr. Ditka. I'm so sorry,
but we still need someone to do
Kevin Butler's part in The Shuffle.
Ah, goddamn it,
you can never depend on kickers.
How 'bout you, headlights?
You know the lyrics?
Know 'em? I wrote 'em!
She's the one, boys.
- [all players] Mm-hmm.
- '85 Bears, you're on!
Fuck yeah! Here we go!
Right after the third intermission.
Back in 30 minutes.
Third intermission?
- What is this, hockey?
- [phone buzzing]
[Mikey] Ma, it's a nightmare.
I ruined dinner, and they're gonna leave.
[Bears] Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.
Coach, I gotta go.
What? Are you serious?
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
[sighs] You're right, Coach.
Shuffling with the Bears
would be a dream come true,
but right now,
I gotta be there for my son.
He's actually named after you.
Well, it sounds like
your son Ditka's got a great mom.
Now, who the hell's
gonna do Butthead's part?
I'll tell ya who.
My nephew, Daniel.
He knows all the words to the Shuffle.
I sing it around the house all the time.
He'll do great for you, Coach.
All right, you're in, kiddo. [grunts]
Shit. I figured you had a jersey on too.
This is your fault.
The cool air feels so good on my skin.
Taxi!
Please don't go.
I'm sorry I didn't realize
fish food was food for fishes.
Anyone who can't plan a dinner
clearly can't plan a life
with my daughter.
All right, that's enough!
Now, listen here!
Sure, my son might not live
in the nicest neighborhood,
and yeah, he's not the best host,
and maybe he does still have
a few of his baby teeth, and, uh...
Ah, goddamn it, I don't know
where I was going with this!
Come along, Gabriella.
This large boy has failed us.
Let's go have a real dinner.
Who's freakin' hungry?
- Oh thank God.
- Ma, you're here!
You're damn right I'm here.
I wouldn't miss this for anything.
Sorry I'm a little late, sweetie.
Nice to meet you, Gabriella.
You're even more beautiful in person.
- We were just leaving.
- Oh no, you can't.
I wanna sit and eat and talk about
what an amazing daughter you've raised.
Kurt, move your car.
You parked like an asshole.
Yeah.
Ooh, I like her.
My Mikey actually learned
how to bench press before he could crawl.
Ooh, he does look very strong.
You want a little more giardiniera,
sweetheart?
[in Spanish] I want to eat you.
Yeah! Quiero comerte, everyone!
[jaunty music playing]
Start us off right, kid.
- [grunts]
- Ooh!
['80s electronic music playing]
[rapping] ♪ Well, they call me Butthead
And I like to kick ♪
♪ Missing a field goal
Just makes me sick ♪
I don't remember the kicker
singing in this song,
but I'm also really high.
♪ Special teams are what I like the most ♪
♪ 'Cause I kick the ball
Right through the post ♪
♪ Coming into crunch time, down by two ♪
♪ Is a guy with a body just like you ♪
♪ I didn't come here
To burst any bubbles ♪
♪ I just came here to do the '85 Shuffle ♪
[crowd cheering]
[Bonnie] I'm so proud of you, Daniel!
Northshore magazine!
[closing theme music plays]
Ah, shit! I'm late for work!
Damn it, Diane! You're already at work.
Ah, hell yeah.
I'm tryin' this new thing
where instead of goin' home
when I get hammered,
I sleep at work so I'm not late.
It's called being responsible, Tina.
[gags]
False alarm.
Anyhoo, what are you doing here so early?
I'm doin' prep for InstaGlam.
I do hair and makeup for events
as my side hustle.
Side hustle?
Why would you wanna
work more than you have to?
My motto's always been
"work soft, play hard."
You do know people my age
have multiple jobs, right?
Anyway, tomorrow night, I'm doin'
the Beefy Awards at the Field Museum.
Aw, hell yeah! The Beefys!
The Beefys are
the biggest event of the year!
New York has the Met Gala,
L.A. has the Oscars,
and Chicago has the Beefys.
It's an award show that celebrates
and honors Windy City excellence.
Yeah, I know. I just told you about it.
Tina, you gotta take me! I'll do anything!
Nope. They're only payin'
for one makeup artist.
Then we'll Trojan horse it.
That's when you throw condoms at security
and then run by them on all fours.
Diane, no. My hands are tied.
Can you at least FaceCall me
when you're there?
No, I'll be working.
Ah, maybe next year.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go clean my PTA.
Oh no. What's your PTA?
Pits, tits, and ass.
It's called hygiene, Tina. Hmm.
This woman is a miracle.
[opening theme music playing]
It's all about the gel.
And I know. I'm on my feet all day.
- Mikey and Daniel!
- Ma!
The cousins are hangin' out!
Mikey and I were just
talking about shoe insoles.
Ah, inserts.
I'm gonna go make my lunch.
What are you doin'
on the North Side, baby boy?
Ma, can you sit?
I have somethin'
very important to ask you.
Yes, the Camaro is yours when I pass.
No, Ma, I met someone, and I'm in love.
Oh, Mikey, is this another Ukrainian girl
from a chat room?
Did ya already send her iTunes gift cards?
This new girl's name is Gabriella.
She works at the Go-Go White Sox Grill
in the Terminal One food court.
Mikey, she's gorgeous!
Wait, they're doin' a 4.99
hot dog lunch special over there?
Yeah, Ma.
And she gives me extra hot peppers
without me even askin'.
Okay, this babe's a keeper.
I know, Ma.
And tomorrow night, I'm cookin'
the traditional Mexican dish, mole,
for her and her folks.
I think it's pronounced mo-lay.
You know what? Never mind.
I gotta get to work.
I'm tryin' to impress her parents.
Her mom's a real tough cookie.
It would mean a lot to me
if you were there.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
And if there's anything you need,
you let me know.
Thanks, Ma.
Actually, can I borrow some pots and pans,
and some plates and silverware?
Oh, and do you have light bulbs?
[tranquil music playing]
I have a kale grail for... Zale?
- I'm Zale.
- Oh, hey, wait. I'm Zale too.
Was it a male Zale or a female Zale?
Daniel, hmm, gender is a construct,
and you are legally not allowed
to ask that question.
[whispers] It was the guy.
Hi, honey!
- Mom.
- Someone looks professional.
But stand up straight.
You have your father's soft back.
You have to do your stretches.
Did you guys come here
just to tell me that?
No, we brought you your tux
for the Beefy Awards tomorrow night.
Ugh, Mom, it's just gonna be
a bunch of judgy snobs
asking me what I'm doing
with my life. No, thanks.
Well, those judgy snobs
have placed my accounting firm
in charge of the results.
And we're very proud.
Why don't you just take Aunt Diane?
- Yeah, she'd be fun.
- Are you two insane?
The photographer from
Northshore magazine is going to be there,
and I don't need another family photo
featuring her bare nipples.
It is a big night for our family,
and you're going.
Fine. But I'm not wearing a cummerbund.
What in the world is beet powder?
Oh, boy! [grunts]
[sneezes]
I guess we should beet it?
[Bonnie inhales, sighs wearily]
I gotta tell ya, Joe,
the pony looks great.
Thanks. Yeah, it took me
three years to grow it out,
but my ex-wife's always loved
long hair on guys.
Tonight's the night I win her back.
Hey, Diane, I know this is last minute,
but I just got off the phone
with the Beefys people,
and I need another set of hands tonight.
- You still want in?
- Son of a bitch! I can't!
Now I got a goddamn thing
at Mikey's house.
Oh well, that's too bad.
They just changed the closing number.
So now, a bunch of old Chicago Bears
are gonna do some song and dance
they used to do.
Wait a second. Are you sayin'
the 1985 Chicago Bears
are performing the Shuffle
at the Beefy Awards?
Tina, I'm in!
Did you just cut off my pony?
I did.
I'll give ya an extra punch
on your loyalty card.
Don't worry, kiddo.
You're gonna have
a frickin' blast tonight.
The Bears are doin' the Shuffle
one last time.
This is like if the Beatles reunited
and then won the frickin' Super Bowl!
- [angelic choir singing]
- Michael Jordan cologne.
Only for the special-est of occasions.
[coughing]
Uh, but what about Mikey's dinner?
I'm not gonna miss it.
It's called party-hopping.
Here's how it'll go.
First, we arrive at the Beefys,
right on time,
and immediately hit the carpet.
The big three snap some pics:
Tribune, Sun-Times, Polish Daily News.
I have a little champagne,
a little lobster,
do a little hobnobbin',
a little knob slobbin',
a little more lobster.
We take our seats, and boom, show starts.
Award, award, award.
And next thing you know,
it's Shuffle time!
Then, it's out the door
and over to Mikey's to meet his new gal.
See, Daniel?
I got the whole night planned out.
- We're already 20 minutes late.
- Ah, shit.
Why'd you let me go on like that?
[jaunty fanfare playing]
This is the most beautiful sight
these eyes have ever seen.
The carpet's yellow
because we all hate ketchup.
[reporter 1] WGN weatherman, Tom Skilling,
who are you eating?
Portillo's!
- [reporter 2] Scottie, who are you eating?
- Al's Beef, double-dipped.
[sniffs]
Is MJ here?
[Tina] Diane. Dia... Diane!
One at a time, boys!
Diane, I didn't hire you
to pretend to be a celebrity.
I need you on rosacea duty.
One sec, Teen.
Just giving these animals
the red meat they're beggin' for.
Ma'am, please. Steve Wilkos has arrived.
Move it along!
[elegant jazz playing]
Such an honor to be
in charge of the Golden Beef Case, Mark.
The only one who knows the winner
of the Chicagoan of the Year
is this little guy right here.
I feel like I'm on Deal or No Deal.
[Bonnie chuckling awkwardly]
Good one, Mark.
What a strange and charming family.
Oh, how lovely.
Daniel, pull up your cummerbund.
Has anyone seen the photographer?
I wanna capture
this absolutely perfect moment.
[Diane laughing]
Hey, not so fast
with those mini egg rolls, butt cheeks.
[intense music playing]
Hey, Diane's here.
Oh dear Lord.
Bon! Would you look at us?
Not bad for two trash bags
from the South Side, huh?
Diane!
- [Diane yelping in pain]
- How are you here?
Tell me you didn't
Trojan horse your way inside.
I'll have you know,
I'm here as an honored guest,
thank you very much.
Diane, where the hell have you been?
Every guest has meat sweats.
They need powder!
Okay, busted. I'm here to work.
But that doesn't mean I can't have fun.
Uh, yes, it does.
If you'll excuse me,
I'm needed backstage
with the rest of the A-listers.
[woman] Hoy, vamos a preparar
la auténtica salsa de mole.
I don't know what you're sayin'. Ugh.
I am starvin'. How long till we chow down?
Wait, is that what you're wearin'?
- What? These are my best jorts.
- Dad.
Okay, okay.
I didn't realize we were at the Pump Room.
So, uh, what are we servin'?
This juicy little guy.
We're eatin' mole!
Mikey, ya can't
serve these people a rodent!
- Dad, what are you doin'?
- [doorbell rings]
Oh my God, they're here. I got no plan B!
Don't worry, we'll make it nice, okay?
We'll order in Carson's Ribs.
[in Spanish] Welcome your friends.
[in English] Aw, you practiced!
[in Spanish] Not enough.
Mom, please.
[in English] Nice to see you again.
Dad, this is Gabriella
and her parents, Miguel and Rosalita.
Kurt Kosinski, pleasure to meet ya.
Miguel Gomez. This is my wife Rosalita.
[scoffs]
Sorry we're late.
We had trouble finding parking.
There's a Crown Victoria
taking up two spaces out front.
That's mine.
Sorry about that.
I was in a rush. I had to work late.
Gabriella tells us
you're an airport family.
That's right, Midway International.
I'm a TSA agent.
So is Miguel.
At O'Hare,
the busiest airport in the world.
Uh... [in Spanish] Please enter me.
[in Spanish] Did he just ask us
to enter him?
[Mikey] Where are you, Ma?
Everyone's here.
Shoot. It's okay. It's okay.
I'm just gonna miss
the pre-dinner chitchat.
Kurt can handle that.
Forgot my phone.
Have to go back.
- [wind rushing]
- [gasps]
[triumphant music playing]
Holy shit, they're here.
- Ten-four. The Bears have arrived.
- Hey, headset, we gotta get this moving!
We're trying,
but no one's taking their seats.
Fine, I'm on it.
Sweetie, you're good to go.
Mark, Mark, there's Northshore magazine.
This is our chance to get the photo!
Oh, leave the Beef Case.
I didn't starve myself for a week
to be overshadowed by a tacky eyesore.
Daniel, hold this.
[Diane] I'll finish that.
Take your seat, please.
The show's about to start.
Anyone not seated
won't get a seat! Come on!
Some of us have other commitments!
Gonna be a very long night.
I heard they had to add a second
In Memoriam just for heart disease.
[guest laughs]
If you'll excuse me,
I have to use the restroom.
[Daniel sighs]
[man] You bored too, kid?
Hi, I'm Andy.
Oh my God, Andy Richter?
I know who you are.
I'm so happy to meet
a celebrity I actually recognize.
What are you doing here?
They're giving me my fifth
Lifetime Achievement award tonight.
You're from Chicago?
Well, Yorkville, about an hour away.
But you know
how this city loves to claim people.
I kinda hate these award shows.
No offense.
Oh, this isn't mine.
I don't wanna be here either.
Yeah, the only thing that's gonna make
tonight bearable is gettin' high!
[chewing loudly]
Weed brownie?
Um, yeah, sure.
Whoa!
That's, like, for ten people.
[swallows loudly]
Maybe we should get some fresh air.
Sure, some people here might own a Monet,
but do they even know Magritte
was the real revolutionary?
Sorry, what was the question?
I asked you what your last name was.
I think that brownie's kickin' in.
Mr. Richter, you're needed backstage.
Well, Daniel,
it was nice hanging with you,
and good luck with all your art stuff.
Oh, and a little Richter tip?
Lay off the cologne.
[eerie music playing]
This place is like a maze.
[Daniel] Andy?
Whoa.
[Bonnie exhales]
- How do I look?
- Like you're hungry.
Oh, thank you!
All right, say "beef" on three. One, two...
[Diane] Attention everyone!
Everyone! Stop what you're doing.
Take your seats, turn off your phones,
no flash photography.
The Beefys are now beginning!
- [crowd cheering]
- What is she doing?
Wait, sir! Sir, we're ready!
Mr. Whiddington, you're needed
backstage with the Beef Case.
[dramatic musical flourish]
- Bonnie, where the fudge is Daniel?
- I don't fudging know, Mark!
- [phone ringing]
- No.
[beeps]
[panicked breathing]
[whimpers]
[yelps]
[whimpering]
[eerie voice] Daniel.
Daniel.
Daniel.
Did you catch the Bears game this weekend?
Well, I'm more of a soccer man.
The skill, the grace, the agility...
And the men are more handsome.
More handsome?
Uh, you ever heard of Dick Butkus?
- He's freakin' gorgeous.
- [Mikey] Ah, come on!
- I'm gonna go help Mikey in the kitchen.
- [clattering]
Babe, is everything okay?
No, this night's a disaster.
I messed up dinner,
the delivery's takin' forever
because of the frickin' Beefys,
and your mom hates me.
She doesn't hate you.
She's just having a terrible time.
[sighs] And where the hell's my mom?
So, thanks, yous guys,
for namin' me Thickest Chicago Accent.
I'd like to thank my tree sons,
my tree daughters,
and my tree ex-wives.
- Okay, I guess dat's my time.
- [applause]
- [fanfare on Diane's phone]
- Hey, stop playing people off.
- Diane, have you seen Daniel?
- No, I haven't.
Hey, Mark, can we get to
Chicagoan of the Year already?
I need the Bears
to start shufflin'. Ticktock!
Daniel has the Beef Case.
The results are in the Beef Case.
Nothing happens without the Beef Case!
- [fanfare stops]
- Damn it!
I'll miss some of Mikey's dinner,
but I can still make dessert.
Okay, I'll go find Daniel.
You keep the show going.
You are killing it, Tina.
You know you're not gettin' paid for this.
[eerie, distorted vocalizations]
- [growls]
- [Daniel yelps]
[phone ringing]
- [beeps]
- Aunt Diane?
[Diane] Where the hell are ya?
I don't know.
I'm incredibly scared,
a little starstruck,
and I had some pot brownie.
[Diane] Ah, shit, you were hangin' out
with Andy Richter, weren't ya?
- He was so nice!
- [Diane] Okay, describe where ya are.
- Hope you're all hungry.
- Oh thank God.
The relish finally defrosted.
[plane whooshing]
That's probably the 8:05 to St. Louis.
Does this happen often?
We live below
what they call a flight super-path.
Mikey lives close to the airport
so it's easy for him to get to work.
No, that's the 8:05 to St. Louis.
I don't know how anyone
can live like this.
Daniel.
Daniel!
Fuckin' Richter.
[sniffs]
Wait a second.
Michael Jordan cologne.
[Daniel whimpers]
Hey, Daniel, it's me.
Aunt Diane!
I realized time is a circle,
and one day, we'll be the bones,
and the dinosaurs
will be the ones looking at us.
How much of that brownie did you eat?
All of it.
First of all, that fuckin' rocks.
Second of all, save some for a bitch.
Now, come on. We gotta go.
I don't want to. I hate the Beefys.
I don't fit in with those people.
Yeah, Daniel, and you don't want to.
It's not about you fittin' in.
Fittin' in is boring.
You didn't skip goin' to Stanford
so you can sit in the belly
of a big, dead dog
while Chicago's funnest party
is in the next room.
Come on down, Daniel.
We gotta save the Beefys,
and then I gotta hightail it to Mikey's.
[distorted roar]
Sue, thank you for your protections.
Okay, still high as shit.
- [applause]
- [nervous chuckle]
Where are they?
Why did we trust Diane to find him?
[echoing] Thank you, Chicago.
This Lifetime Achievement Award
is gonna look great in my panic room
next to the other four.
[echoing] And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for...
Here to present the Golden Beef Case,
from the accounting firm
of Jernston, Waterprice, and Bouche,
Mark Whiddington.
That's you.
Um, hello.
Mark, where's the Beef Case?
[crowd murmuring]
- [nervous chuckle]
- [crowd boos]
[woman] Where's the Beef Case?
- [woman 2] Get off the stage!
- [man] You suck!
[woman 3] Boo... to you!
[dramatic music playing]
Mark!
[slowed down] I got it!
[Beef Case clanging]
Hmm. [awkward chuckling]
Uh... [chuckles]
[Mark] Oh God. Get back here. [sighs]
[grunts, laughs-nervously]
[yelps]
And the winner
of the Chicagoan of the Year is...
once again, Andy Richter!
[applause]
Are you kidding me?
Guys, I haven't lived here
for, like, 30 years.
Damn it. Let's go. Let's go.
Get to the Bears!
[gasps]
[jaunty fanfare plays]
♪ Bear down, Chicago Bears ♪
♪ Make every play
Clear the way to victory ♪
♪ Bear down, Chicago Bears ♪
♪ Put up a fight
With the might so fearlessly ♪
Da... Da... Ditka. Da coach.
And da Bears.
Da Bears and da coach!
- How ya doin', honey?
- Coach, I am your biggest fan.
I've seen every game you ever coached.
And I flashed ya
when you lost to the Packers in '92.
Best part of that fuckin' game.
Excuse me, Mr. Ditka. I'm so sorry,
but we still need someone to do
Kevin Butler's part in The Shuffle.
Ah, goddamn it,
you can never depend on kickers.
How 'bout you, headlights?
You know the lyrics?
Know 'em? I wrote 'em!
She's the one, boys.
- [all players] Mm-hmm.
- '85 Bears, you're on!
Fuck yeah! Here we go!
Right after the third intermission.
Back in 30 minutes.
Third intermission?
- What is this, hockey?
- [phone buzzing]
[Mikey] Ma, it's a nightmare.
I ruined dinner, and they're gonna leave.
[Bears] Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.
Coach, I gotta go.
What? Are you serious?
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
[sighs] You're right, Coach.
Shuffling with the Bears
would be a dream come true,
but right now,
I gotta be there for my son.
He's actually named after you.
Well, it sounds like
your son Ditka's got a great mom.
Now, who the hell's
gonna do Butthead's part?
I'll tell ya who.
My nephew, Daniel.
He knows all the words to the Shuffle.
I sing it around the house all the time.
He'll do great for you, Coach.
All right, you're in, kiddo. [grunts]
Shit. I figured you had a jersey on too.
This is your fault.
The cool air feels so good on my skin.
Taxi!
Please don't go.
I'm sorry I didn't realize
fish food was food for fishes.
Anyone who can't plan a dinner
clearly can't plan a life
with my daughter.
All right, that's enough!
Now, listen here!
Sure, my son might not live
in the nicest neighborhood,
and yeah, he's not the best host,
and maybe he does still have
a few of his baby teeth, and, uh...
Ah, goddamn it, I don't know
where I was going with this!
Come along, Gabriella.
This large boy has failed us.
Let's go have a real dinner.
Who's freakin' hungry?
- Oh thank God.
- Ma, you're here!
You're damn right I'm here.
I wouldn't miss this for anything.
Sorry I'm a little late, sweetie.
Nice to meet you, Gabriella.
You're even more beautiful in person.
- We were just leaving.
- Oh no, you can't.
I wanna sit and eat and talk about
what an amazing daughter you've raised.
Kurt, move your car.
You parked like an asshole.
Yeah.
Ooh, I like her.
My Mikey actually learned
how to bench press before he could crawl.
Ooh, he does look very strong.
You want a little more giardiniera,
sweetheart?
[in Spanish] I want to eat you.
Yeah! Quiero comerte, everyone!
[jaunty music playing]
Start us off right, kid.
- [grunts]
- Ooh!
['80s electronic music playing]
[rapping] ♪ Well, they call me Butthead
And I like to kick ♪
♪ Missing a field goal
Just makes me sick ♪
I don't remember the kicker
singing in this song,
but I'm also really high.
♪ Special teams are what I like the most ♪
♪ 'Cause I kick the ball
Right through the post ♪
♪ Coming into crunch time, down by two ♪
♪ Is a guy with a body just like you ♪
♪ I didn't come here
To burst any bubbles ♪
♪ I just came here to do the '85 Shuffle ♪
[crowd cheering]
[Bonnie] I'm so proud of you, Daniel!
Northshore magazine!
[closing theme music plays]