Chelmsford 123 (1988–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Odi et Amo - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

It's very quiet tonight.

- Too quiet.
- Eh?

I don't like it. It's too quiet.

- It's the lull before...
- Don't say it!

What's wrong? I was only
going to say it's the...

Shut up!

Don't say it, it's bad luck.

There's an old
Celtic superstition

which says that if you say...
if you use that expression,

then surely something
terrible will happen.



What, lull before the storm?

Badvoc!

Ah, there you are, Badvoc,
you hairy bum-faced toad!

- Thank you, Blag.
- Ey up, Badvoc! It's me!

It's your old friend Morli of the
Iken come to pay you a visit.

How the bleeding hell are you, you
festered old bag of cow crap?

Here, may the gods visit a virulent pig pox
on your stinking scabby cabbage head, eh?

Just a social call,
is it, Morli?

Ey up, Badvoc, aren't you
going to introduce me?

Who are these sub humans?

- They call me Mungo the Shrugger.
- Why's that?

And this is Blag.

How very interesting. We don't
have any hills where I come from.

So what are you doing here
dressed like an emperor's tart?



Well, you see, Badvoc.

- I am now a member of the Roman nobility.
- You what?

- Well, you remember my sister Pergola?
- Oh yeah.

She rather cleverly got herself
married to a Roman praetor,

which made me very, very rich.

Here, have this bag of money and go and
buy yourself a new cesspit to live in.

I don't live here. I come to have a
drink and play dice with the boys.

I live in that flash villa
in the middle of the square.

- Really?
- I thought that villa was Aulus's...

Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh!

- What did he say?
- It's an old Chelmsford folk song.

Blag's entered a singing competition.
He's practising.

I can't hang about here. I can't be
seen hanging about with scum like you.

I tell you what, why don't you
pop over to my place sometime

and have a dip in my
solid gold heated pool?

- See you, lads.
- Cheers then.

Mind how you go. Keep in touch.

I don't believe it! Morli!

Just cos his sister is being
personally invaded by Romans.

My sister can marry the governor
Aulus Paulinus tomorrow.

Here, I've just had
a brilliant idea.

My sister marries Aulus, I get rich quick.
What do you think, Mungo?

Breathtakingly simple.
One quibble.

- What?
- You haven't got a sister.

That is a very negative attitude to
take, Mungo. I can get a sister.

Here, I got a sister.

Yeah...

With all due respect,
Blag, I can't really

see Aulus falling in
love with your sister.

Nature hasn't been
kind to her, has she?

Nah, I got all the looks
and brains in my family.

Ah, Grasientus, spring, my
favourite time of year.

A time of rebirth.

I want to frolic
in forest glades.

I want to bathe naked
in crystal pools.

I want to sing with the skylark as she
soars on high. But most of all...

- You want a quick...
- Exactly.

It's been a year now. A year
of involuntary celibacy.

I'm about as horny as a
rhinoceros and a unicorn

in a "Who's got the biggest
horn?" competition.

You're not exactly spoiled for
choice round here, are you?

The British girls are
either ugly, ugly or ugly.

They don't have to be British.
I'm mad with

lust. She could be
Greek, Syrian, Spanish.

- Belgian.
- I'm not that mad.

Anyway, Grasientus, don't you feel
spring coursing through your veins?

Don't you get the odd
bout of tentpole toga?

Happily I am not a slave to
that part of my anatomy, Aulus.

Just as well because you are, with
all due respect, an ugly bastard.

Yes, all right, I know that I'm
a worthless unlovable wretch.

No woman could ever love me.

I'm boring, ill tempered, malodorous
and totally without any merit.

What's the point?

Grasientus, I've been thinking about
what you were saying in there.

Yes.

About you being worthless and
boring and all that stuff.

- Well?
- Well!

You left out repellent.

Right, now, the idea is you're my
sister, you're attractive, sexy,

and you're going to seduce
the Roman governor.

- In your own time.
- Hello, Roman.

Fancy a good time?

Yeah, I think we've seen enough, dear.
Thanks.

- Have I got the job?
- We'll let you know.

Here, I'm very good in the sack.

I'm sure you are, yeah. Blag,
go and put her in a sack.

So that one's a no, then, is it?

Listen, you do understand the
point of this little exercise?

Yeah. You want to find a girl so Aulus
can fall in love with her and marry her.

Precisely. The key words are "so Aulus can
fall in love with her and marry her".

I can't see Aulus falling in love
with any of the women so far.

We've had a bald
hag with no teeth,

a hairy hag with lots of teeth,

and a normal hag
with hairy teeth.

- Quite a snappy dresser.
- Yeah, green is my favourite colour.

Not for skin.

Next!

This is the last one.

This is the one, Mungo,
this is the one.

Do sit down, dear.

That's right, yeah.
Thanks for popping in.

Now, what's your name, love?

Enya, and don't call me love.

Right, has anyone explained
why you're here?

Someone said it was to do with pulling
a fast one on the Roman governor.

Indeed it is, my
dear, indeed it is.

Good. Cos I hate him.
I hate all Romans.

You wouldn't get me within
100 miles of a Roman.

Unless it was to castrate him with
a very blunt and rusty knife.

Good.

Good cos in many ways
this job does entail

castrating the Roman governor
with a blunt and rusty knife.

Great!

Er... But we thought we'd lure him
into a false sense of security.

How do you mean?

Well, I don't know. Ooh, supposing
you were to marry him. Er...

Live with him, be the loyal little wifey.
You know, have his kids.

Perhaps even go back
to Rome with him.

And then, when the time is right,
say in about 30 or 40 years,

you whip out the carving
knife and Bob's your auntie.

No.

- A thousand pieces of silver.
- I'll do it.

Excellent. Always nice to work with
someone who's politically committed.

What are you doing?

Making a cheese and
onion soufflé.

- What do you think? I'm hanging myself.
- Why?

I...

It's all too much. I feel so desperate.
Lonely. Totally useless.

I just want to die.

Please just let me die.

If you feel that desperate, why
don't you talk to someone?

I...

I can't. I just can't talk to anyone.
That's part of the problem.

I've always been afraid to communicate.
To get close to people.

So I built up this
wall around me.

And now I'm trapped, a prisoner
inside this hideous shell.

- You know what you should do?
- What?

Hang yourself.

You know, I never thought I'd find myself
laughing with a British serving girl.

And I never thought I'd find
myself laughing with a Roman.

Suddenly this all
seems so silly.

I'll get some wine.

What a charming girl.

But for her I could be hanging
here as dead as a... Argh!

Grasientus!

These reports from
Caledonia, Grasientus.

- What do you think?
- Argh!

Well, that's very easy for you to say
but I mean what about the long term?

- Help!
- Help is what we need but I don't know.

Oh, my God, this is awful!

- Oh, tell me about it. It's tragic.
- No, look, it's him, he's dying!

- Good heavens! Hello!
- Help me get him down!

- Who are you?
- I'm Enya, the new serving girl.

I'm Aulus, the governor.

- No!
- Guards!

Can you cut this down, please?
It's wasting good rope.

- How could you be so heartless?
- It's a gift. Right, take him away.

You poor thing, are
you all right?

He says that to all the girls.

So, you're the new
serving girl, are you?

- Yes.
- Hmm.

Sorry, I always get a bit tongue-tied when
I'm in the presence of a very pretty girl.

I... I just... always seem to
end up saying the wrong thing.

Really?

Fancy a quick poke?

Oh, there I go again!

Your sister?

That's incredible. I've fallen in
love with a blood relative of yours.

I know, it's amazing.

A charming, beautiful,
gentle creature like her

related to a clumsy, uncouth,
foul-smelling oaf like you.

Yeah.

- An angel related to a hog-like buffoon.
- Yeah.

- A goddess...
- Yeah, all right. I get the point.

Strange as it may seem,
Badvoc, I am smitten.

Don't be ridiculous, Aulus! Next you'll
be saying you want to marry her.

- It's crossed my mind.
- Oh, come off it!

Do you realise the implications of that?
You and me would be related.

Isn't that what... Ow!
Ow! Ooh! Ooh!

- What did he say? ?? Isn't
that what you ow ow ow!

It's an old folk song. Blag's
entered this singing competition.

Think about it. How would
it look if we were related?

Me a lowly tribe leader
related to you a top Roman.

Even that wouldn't bother
me so long as I had Enya.

Well, we'd need some sort
of official contract.

- Yes, whatever.
- Some legally binding document.

Some... Oh, look, there's one.

Sign along the dotted line, Aulus,
that's lovely. Yes, that's it.

As far as I'm concerned the
marriage can go ahead.

You don't seem to understand.
I love her, she hates me.

- Eh?
- She hates me!

- What's the silly cow playing at?
- Would it help if I slit her throat?

I don't think it would, Mungo.

Aulus, you say she hates you.

- I'll have her thrown out of the villa.
- No, wait. I see what she's playing at.

It's classic, this.
It's classic.

She just can't cope with the
overwhelming feeling she has for you.

If you like, she's frightened
by what she feels for you.

- Which is hate.
- Hate, love, love, hate,

In many ways it's
the same emotion.

I always like to think
of love and hate

as opposite sides of the
same emotional coin.

I mean, take Blag here.

Often I think I hate him.

But I know deep down I love him.

- I think it's the same...
- Do you really love me, Badvoc?

- Yeah.
- I mean, it's not just my body, is it?

- No.
- Cos I got a mind too, you know.

I'm trying to make a point.
Trying to illustrate something.

I don't object to the physical
side of a relationship...

Blag! Folk song rehearsal time.

Ow ow ow!

You've got something with
this love hate business.

Does he stand a chance
in the competition?

Well, it's better than
the German entry.

Enya...

Enya, I've got something
to say to you.

Something about... Iove.

Oh, yeah? What do you
know about love?

Ah! More than you think. I know, for
example, it's a very intense emotion.

- Go on.
- Hmm!

And love and hate are opposite
sides of the same emotional coin.

- You could be right.
- Mm.

I believe, Enya,
that you are in love

but it's so difficult to express
it because it's so intense.

Yeah! It is!

I'm a man of the world, Enya,
I know about these things.

This man you're in love with. He's a...
He's a Roman, isn't he?

Might be!

He's a pretty important man
here in Chelmsford, right?

- He is, yeah.
- Oh, Enya!

Wouldn't it be
better if you just

looked him in the eyes and
told him that you loved him?

Now, what would you
like to say to him?

I love you, Grasientus.

And I love you too, Enya. Oh, tomorrow we
shall be married in the spring meadows.

And the birds... Who?

Who?

- Grasientus!
- Grasientus?

Badvoc, didn't you want her to
fall in love with... Ow ow ow!

Blag, will you practise that
folk song somewhere else.

Boy, rehearse,
rehears, rehearse.

If I may say so, Aulus, I
think you're being naive

in your dealings with the
psychology of the opposite sex.

- What do you mean?
- Who do you hate most in the world?

- Grasientus.
- Exactly.

She claims to love the person you
most detest in the whole world.

To inflame your ardour.

Ah, so you mean she's
not in love with him

but just says she is
to make me jealous?

Exactly. I mean,
have you seen any

manifestations of this
so-called young love?

Have you seen them
holding hands,

whispering sweet nothings,
swapping love letters?

- No!
- Smearing horse excrement on each other.

No.

You've witnessed none of the
normal signs of affection.

Mungo, one day they'll have a
fancy name for your illness.

No, I think he has a point. I've
never actually seen them together.

What a clever girl.
To think of it!

She's made me feel insanely jealous
of Grasientus of all people.

- Wait till I see her.
- That's the spirit, Aulus.

Come on, we deserve a celebratory drink.
Down the boozer.

- Good thinking.
- Why don't we go to the theatre instead?

Don't be stupid!

If you really loved me you'd do
something I want to do for a change.

Enya, you've won
your little game.

And now you can openly
say that you love me

and there's nothing between you and
that contemptible wimp Grasientus.

That's no good. Erm...

There's nothing between you and
that apology for a man Grasientus.

That's much better.

Right, here goes.

Enya, I...

That poor girl. The things she'll put
herself through to make me feel jealous.

I can't stand it any longer.
Grasientus has become unbearable.

Something must be done.

Hi, gang!

Agh!

Taking a lot out of me, all this...
exercise.

Case of too much bed and
not enough sleep, eh?

Hey, what's wrong with you guys?

Hey, cheer up!

What you need is to get yourself
fixed up with a nice girl.

Or maybe a not so nice girl,
if you know what I mean.

Anyway, guys, my groin has got
an appointment with paradise.

Whoa!

See you around.

That was disgusting. Look,
we must do something.

- I've just had an idea.
- What?

It's a long shot but
it might just work.

You get an enclosed
metal container,

fill it with water and
heat it to make steam.

The steam goes down a pipe

and forces a piston attached to a
system of levers to a wheel, right?

So that eventually you could propel
carriages without the use of horses.

Thanks, Blag! I think we've got more
important things to worry about.

Horseless carriage?!

Just a thought.

Aulus, you are the governor.

You must tell poor Enya the truth
about that snake Grasientus.

No, Badvoc, I could not bring
myself to hurt that young girl.

She must never know
the truth about him.

What, you mean that he
already has a wife?

- Yes.
- And 300 children.

- Hungry.
- Oh.

Yes, 300 hungry children.

Three hungry children!

But Badvoc, this news
will break her heart.

That's my line.

But Badvoc, this news
will break her heart.

Aulus, that is your trouble.
You are too soft hearted.

Why Enya has not
fallen for you instead

the gods alone know.

Look at you.

You are kind, intelligent,

caring, sensitive, kind to
animals and very good in bed?

That's very, very kind
of you to say so.

But she must never find out about
his other women in Chelmsford.

- What? Here in Chelmsford?
- Yes.

Does fat Enid ring a bell?

- She has to cos of the leprosy.
- Just...

Not fat Enid?

Yes, and a host of others.

- Went like a dream, Aulus.
- I thought you were very good.

Well, if our little plan has worked
the path should now be clear.

- He's coming.
- How does he look?

Like someone who's been forced
at knifepoint to watch his puppy

be skewered on the end
of a red-hot poker.

Sorry about your puppy.

What?

- Something wrong, Grasientus?
- It's Enya. She's left me.

Oh no!

- Look. I'll have a private word with her.
- She's left Chelmsford.

- Well... What?
- She wrote me this letter.

Let me read it.

"Dear Grasientus, I'm sorry to tell
you but you and I are finished.

It would never have
worked out between us.

First of all I'm not
Badvoc's real sister.

It was just a rouse so Badvoc
could get rich quick."

- The woman's obviously mad.
- "No, I am not mad, Badvoc.

I must say that I feel sorry
for you, my dear Grasientus,

and I feel sorry too for Badvoc
for he is an incompetent oaf.

And I also feel sorry for
Aulus because he is a s...

Blah blah blah. Love Enya.

P.S. Thank you for
that night of passion.

I've never made love eight
times in one night before.

P.P.S. Tell Aulus and Badvoc

their pathetic trick to put
me off you didn't work."

Well, we must be off, Aulus.

So she wasn't your
real sister, Badvoc.

I know! I'm as shocked
as you are, Aulus.

I mean, she's been lying
to me all these years.

Me, her own brother. Shock's
going to kill her mother.

We must listen to Blag
rehearse his folk song.

But I don't know any...
Ow! Ow! Ow!

If that boy doesn't win...

- Well, she was a wonderful girl.
- Yes, she was.

To think I was on the point of hanging
myself and then she came along

and transported me
into erotic ecstasy.

- Eight times in one night.
- Yes, all right.

Eight times I enjoyed her
soft, yielding body.

You're going to keep
going, aren't you?

At the height of her
passion she would cry out,

"Take me, Grasientus, take me."

And then she would moan
softly like a young fawn

as I kissed her
exquisite breasts.

- And her long, lissom legs...
- Grasientus, do me a favour, will you?

What?

Kick this stool away.
Ripped By mstoll