Chelmsford 123 (1988–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Bird Trouble - full transcript

(Repeated thunderclaps)

Sanctus fumus!

What are you looking at then,
oh mighty Jupiter?

Planet Earth, my dear Vulcan.
The 20th century.

Oh, what misery.
What senseless waste and confusion.

Men and women looking on in dumb horror.

- Well, what is it?
- The Paul Daniels Christmas Special.

- Shall I zap him with my thunderbolt?
- Not yet, Vulcan.

Oh, bloody hell,
ambrosia and nectar again.

It's always the bloody same.

I'd kill for sausage, egg and chips.
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Seen better days, hasn't she, Venus?

Look, Jupe, are you going to let me
use this thunderbolt or what?

What's the rush, Vulcan?
You've got the whole of eternity!

In a few thousand years' time

you will be able to use it
for the great benefit of mankind.

Doing what?

Killing people who play golf.

Now what's this?

Ah yes. Britain.

Chelmsford 123 AB.

(Sneezes)

Grasientus, I have the distinct impression
that someone is tampering with the mail.

Listen to this. Letter from the Emperor.

"The Emperor Hadrian
urges all provincial governors



to take swift action against
any rebellious tribal leader except Badvoc,

who despite having a roguish appearance
really has a heart of gold.

In fact,
anything he can do for the Romans he will.

Just tip us the wink."

Not the style we are used to
from our divine Emperor.

Aulus, I think I know
who's been tampering with the mail.

- Mm?
- Badvoc.

That's brilliant, Grasientus!

You know,
we're wasting that brain of yours here.

It could be wedging open a door.

- How are we going to prove it's Badvoc?
- Easy. I have a plan.

- All we need is a case of tongue loosener.
- Not my best wine again.

Yes, just one glass
and he'll let the beans out of the bag.

- No, no, you mean the cat.
- Yes, sorry, beans out of the cat.

Stupid language! Anyway, whatever.

He'll be legless in no time.

(Laughs raucously)

(Slurred) And then she takes off
the last veil, right?

- And you'll never guess what!
- She was a bloke?

No! She was a bloke!

(Laughs)

- Thanks for the drink. I must be off.
- Ah!

Badvoc,
tampering with the imperial mail is a...

Ooh, have I ever shown you this ring?

This is the magic diamond of Selena.

This ring has amazing properties.

So the story goes, the wearer of this ring
will one day rule the world.

That's me. (Laughs)

Aulus world rule! Do you see what I mean?

No, I'm afraid I don't.

That's er... that's er...
because you are intoxicated.

You are incapable of intelligent thought
and coherent spooch.

I have no alternative but to go "blaargh!"
And pass out.

Blaargh!

Full stop.

Let's read that back.

"And so, my dear sister, while accidentally
pressing my ear against Aulus's door,

I couldn't help overhearing the sensational
news that the ring your dear husband wears

contains the famous magical diamond
of Selena.

I immediately thought that the only person

with the ingenuity,
the will and the irresistible charm

to relieve Aulus of this ring was you.

I know it's a long way to come from Rome

but here in Chelmsford
there is the answer to your wildest dreams.

The key to unimaginable power.

And late night shopping on Thursdays.

Thanks once again for your last letter.

I was sickened to hear
that in the Emperor's last purge

Father was mutilated
and sent to Syria in 47 separate parcels.

But look on the bright side.
He always wanted to be posted abroad.

P.S. The only other person
who knows about this ring is Badvoc,

the leader of the local tribe.

But he is too stupid to realise
its importance and value."

Quick, let's get this ring off.
Damn, it's stuck!

Oh... Oh God...

- Right, who's got the butter?
- Here.

We're removing a ring
off somebody's finger.

I got a bit extra just in case.

Just in case? Just in case what?

We have to glaze 50,000 carrots
on the way home?

- Let's just cut his finger off.
- Don't be ridiculous!

Look, it'll be easy. You just take a knife.

You saw through the outer skin.

Slice through the gristle,
take the knife into the socket.

Snip the cartilage, rip off the finger,
slip off the ring, finger back on.

Brilliant. What are we going
to stick the finger on with?

Butter?

(Groans) Oh! Oh! Oh my gorgeous!

Oh, is that you? Oh, my sweet.

Come, walk with me,
skip through the misty glades of the forest.

Come, skip, my peony petal.

Skip through the bluebells,
skip, skip, skip! (Sighs)

Badvoc, one kiss and he's a dead man.

To bed, my sweet. To bed! To bed!

GRASIENTUS: Intruders! Intruders!

- Quick, get in the bed!
- Guard! Guard!

- Aulus! Aulus! Wake up!
- What? What? What?

There's been a break-in!

Grasientus, how dare you
burst into my bedchamber like that?

- You're alone, aren't you?
- Of course I am.

Supposing that lying here
was some gorgeous young... Argh!

Erm...

Butter, anyone?

There you go, posty.

(Laughs) Drink up, son,
there's plenty more where that came from.

Eat up, eat up, help yourself.

Always an honour to entertain
the imperial postman.

- Well?
- There's a lot of mail from Rome.

- How long will you be?
- I don't know.

Thanks for everything, Badvoc,
but I must be making a move now.

You can't go just yet, posty.
Surely you can stay for another...

- Ten minutes.
- Ten minutes.

No, I really must leave now.
Where did I put that bag?

Well, what a shame.

What a shame you have to go now.

Means you won't get a chance to meet her
but never mind.

Sorry?

Oh, it's just some stunningly beautiful girl

with this insatiable sexual obsession
with postmen.

It's funny, really. She sees a postman
and she's just got to have rampant sex with him.

Still, if you can't stay, you can't stay.
See you.

Well,
I... I could probably spare five minutes.

She's really beautiful then, is she?

I don't know if you can picture perfection
in human form but this girl is it.

The limpid depths of her green eyes.

- Go on.
- Er, the er... fullness of her lips.

Yeah.

- The moist wetness of...
- Yeah!

...the first week of February.

Badvoc. (Whispers) Finished.

- When will she get here?
- Any minute now, I should think.

- Hello, Badvoc!
- Ah, Blag. Blag?

Where is she? Oh no!
I bet you've come to say she's not coming.

- Who?
- Who! That's right, Who!

That's the girl's name. Who.
It's a foreign name, I think, yes.

- Who's not coming?
- Damn, I knew it!

I knew she'd let us down.

Never mind, another time.
You best be off. Don't forget your mail.

- You will let me know when she comes?
- We'll keep you posted.

Well?

Grasientus and his sister Marcella,
Aulus's wife.

- Right.
- Are hatching a plan to get the ring.

She's travelling from Rome.

This is the sort of information
we can use to our advantage. Let's go.

Here, do you want me to wait for that girl?

- Who?
- That's the one.

What? She's coming here?

But why? Why would she want to leave
Rome and come to this armhole?

- Armpit.
- Armpit.

Stupid language!

Badvoc, that woman, she's a monster,
she's insane. She's inhuman.

- Aulus, she can't really be that bad.
- Can't be that bad? Grasientus!

- Yes?
- Get out!

Yes.

That was her brother.

I see what you mean.

Er... Listen, Aulus, I've been thinking.

And I think I've got a plan
of how we can get rid of Marcella.

- How?
- You give me all your possessions.

- I do what?
- You make me governor.

Give me your power, your wealth,
your villa, your silk togas,

your horses, that insignificant little ring.

Those golden sandals with the flowers on.
You give me everything.

(Laughs) But I'd have to be mad to do that.

Exactly!

And would Marcella
want to be married to a madman? No.

She'd be on the first boat back to Rome
filing for a divorce.

Do you know, Badvoc,
I think you've just had a good idea.

I'll pretend I'm mad. I'll pretend
I'm completely around the corner.

- Bend.
- Good idea, I'll bend.

I'll bend.

I'll walk in a silly way and pretend
I'm completely mad! What do you think?

- No.
- She's terrified of birds.

I'll pretend to be a bird!
This is brilliant.

What kind of bird shall I become?

- I always thought of you as a tit.
- Really?

I know, I'll become a duck!
A duck, that's right.

(Quacks)

Pathetic, isn't it?

How could a race so stupid
ever conquer us in the first place?

He's good, isn't he? (Quacks)

Easily.

- So far so good, boys. Got the ring.
- It's a bit tarty, isn't it?

I wouldn't wear it.

(Trumpet fanfare)

- Right, that'll be Marcella.
- She's good on that trumpet, isn't she?

Come on, you old dragon, get in here.

Good day, gentlemen.

Where is my husband Aulus?

- Erm...
(Barks)

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Mungo, stop thinking what you're thinking.

Start thinking it
when I've finished thinking it.

Sorry about that, your ladyship.
My name is Badvoc.

The temporary Roman governor of Britain.
(Spits) Put it there.

I'm Mungo.

They call me Eight-times-a-night Mungo.

- Really?
- Yeah, he's got a very weak bladder.

Can somebody tell me what's going on?

Yeah, we had a bit of bad news
about your husband, your ladyship.

- You see...
- What's wrong with him? Is he ill?

Well, sort of. He's ill in the head.

- Has he gone mad?
- Let's put it this way.

If there's a competition
for the sanest man in Chelmsford,

I don't think Aulus
would feature in the final 16.

Let me see him. I must see him.

I don't think that would be wise
in his present state. He has gone gaga.

- Oh look, there he is!
(Makes monkey noises)

- You're Socrates, the philosopher.
- Am I?

- Yes, you don't recognise me, do you?
- No.

I'm the pyramids!

- Perhaps this will jog your memory.
- Oh yeah!

Argh! What's that?

It's a lamb chop! An old lamb chop!

A rancid, maggot-ridden old lamb chop.

My poor dear husband.
What have they done to you?

Argh! It's a talking lamb chop.

I told you, no talking lamb chops!

- It's good fun. How am I doing?
- Less of the physical.

- Sorry. Where's Grasientus?
- Oh, he's erm... washing his hair.

You put him in prison? Good.

Well, I'm not standing for this, Socrates.
I don't care what you say.

I want this old lamb chop removed
by sunset yesterday. Come on, boy!

Giddy-up! Giddy-up!

Is he always like that?

No, we're lucky today.
Normally he talks nonsense.

I couldn't help noticing
he wasn't wearing his ring.

- What ring?
- This ring.

- Oh, that ring!
- It's an old family heirloom. Worthless.

Sentimental value only.
Why have you got it?

He gave it to me. It was a swap, really.

- What did you give him?
- A cloud.

A cloud?

It was one he'd seen and liked
and I thought why not.

- I don't believe this.
- Look out, here he comes.

You, hold Alexander the Great.

Badvoc, a word.

I am posthumous cheese chomper,
king of the dormice.

I'm in the area checking for stray...
Agh! What's that behind you?

Oh that, it's a lamb chop.

Are you mad? It's a tabby cat!

A mangy tabby cat!
I told you before, no cats in here!

Stop thumping me.

- If you'd let me do my duck she'd be gone.
- It's going fine.

Haven't you got any skirting boards you'd
like to nibble, king cheese chomper?

What? Oh yes!
Yes, I have! Yes. Squeak squeak squeak!

It's just too awful.

My poor darling husband,
totally unrecognisable.

If only I had something
to remember him by.

This worthless ring, for example,
would mean so much to me.

I'd do anything to have it.

- Erm... anything?
- Anything.

Does anything include everything?

- It might.
- I am Neptune, king of the oceans!

- I don't believe this.
- Neptune am I, ruler of the deep.

I am the king
and the waves are my subjects.

You say hello to one of my subjects.

Oh!

Right, that does it. Excuse me, Marcella,
it's time for Aulus's medication.

(Clanking sound)
- Oh!

- Is he all right?
- Yeah, juts a mild sedative.

Shall we?

Here, Mungo. Is madness infectious?

- Course not.
- Told you!

Come on, eat up.

This is erm... interesting. What is it?

It's horse.

Horse?

Takes a lot of careful preparation,
horse, you know.

I mean, you don't just kill a horse,
slap it on the table.

You have to do things to it first.

Got to get the rider off it for a start.

That's right.

And then you've got to detach the cart
or you wouldn't get it in the oven.

Badvoc, as much as I'd love

to discuss the delights of Celtic cuisine
with these halfwits,

I think we have more pressing business
to attend to.

Right, I'll go and muck out the bed.

But first
I think we should pay Aulus a little visit.

Er, why?

Because I don't believe he's mad.
I think it's put on.

But what about our pressing business?

Aulus first, pressing later.

(Laughs) Neptune! Neptune!

The look on Badvoc's face
when I threw that water over him!

Next time I'll be the god of fire.

I wonder how he'd cope
with a burning torch up his breeches?

BADVOC:
I think he's through here, Marcella.

- Oh my God!
MARCELLA: What's wrong?

The madness has got worse. He's started
talking and doing everything backwards.

- No, he hasn't.
- You better come and see for yourself.

- He looks all right to me.
- How are things, Aulus?

- That's awful!
- I think it's brilliant.

- He really has gone mad.
- Yes, I'm afraid it gets worse.

After the backwards phase
he goes into his er...

standing upside down with his head
in a bucket full of pig's liver phase.

- Of course, I'll have to divorce him.
- Definitely, yeah.

I can't be married to a man
who does everything backwards.

Quite, yeah.

- We weren't really suited deep down.
- Really?

- He was very jealous of me.
- Yeah.

- I expect he told you foul things about me.
- No, no.

He probably said
I was bad tempered, violent and mad.

No, no.

That I take pleasure from stripping men
and singeing their groins with torches.

It never cropped up in conversation.

- It's because he feels inadequate.
- Yeah.

- He just couldn't satisfy my needs.
- No.

- I need a lusty forest beast.
- Yeah.

I need a godlike animal.

I need a faun, half man, half goat.

I need a... a Pan.

I can get you a pan. They're in the kitchen.

- You'll satisfy me, won't you, Badvoc?
- Yeah.

- Aulus was so poor a lover, you know.
- Really?

Sometimes he could only keep going
for five or six hours.

(Laughs nervously) Pardon?

He could only manage to fulfil me
20 times a night.

- Really? Er...
- You're not like him, are you, Badvoc?

No, I'm definitely not like him, no. Er...

Then do your damnedest!

Do you want to look at the pans?

- Take me, Badvoc, now!
- Right, right.

But first, Badvoc, poppet,
take off the ring.

Why?

Well, I can't make my love to a man
who's wearing my poor husband's ring.

I shouldn't think Aulus will mind.
He's probably got his head in pig's liver.

I insist. Take it off and give it to me.

Can't I give it to you then take it off?

Don't be so impudent, you fetid savage!

You're not fit to lie with any woman,
let alone a Roman.

You're filth, you're scum.
You're as bad as that other worm Aulus.

Give me that ring.

You spineless abomination, you purulent
louse, you grunting primeval pig-faced slug!

Give it to me. Give it to me!

Give it to me or I'll shred you to bits!

Er... I take it the shag's off?

Arrrgh!

- Badvoc, Badvoc, it's me, the postman.
- Listen, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Whatever happened to that gorgeous girl
you had for me?

- Who?
- That's the one.

I tell you what...

Talking backwards!

- Aulus! Aulus!
(Talks backwards)

You're right. She's totally insane.

- She tried to seduce you?
- Tried to seduce me.

- "Badvoc, I need a Pan."
- All that, yeah.

- She pulls a knife?
- At my throat.

I told you, she's inhuman,
she's insane, she's a monster.

- She's behind me.
- She's behind you. What?!

Excuse me, sir,
I wonder, could you help me?

- I certainly hope so.
- I'm looking for Badvoc.

Yeah. I've just...

Just a minute!

You're her, aren't you?

- Who?
- That's right.

Well, actually, I'm a postman.

- So come on, give it to me.
- All right, then.

Badvoc, I want that ring!

(Both quack)

Oh, I see. Oh dear, oh dear.

You've both gone mad
and think you're birds?

(Both quack)

And as you know, Aulus,
I have a terrible fear of birds.

(Both quack)

So terrible, in fact,
that I consulted a doctor.

Oh-oh!

Told me that the only way to overcome
this fear was to confront it.

Eradicate it.

Kill it.

So much for the ring
that gives the wearer unlimited powers.

Die!

(Thunder)

Bloody hell!

JUPITER:
I told you not to use that thunderbolt!

VULCAN: I'm sorry but I got fed up
of those two prats pretending to be birds.

You hit that rather attractive young lady.

Oh no! She was a nice bit of crumpet!

Now she's a nice bit of toasted crumpet.

Don't blame me. You gave me
the thunderbolt for my birthday.

I wanted a football.
You gave Mars a football.

- Yes, well.
- And a train set.

- But...
- And a spirograph.

Well, he's the god of war.

I don't want to upset him, do I?

Jupiter, you're an all-seeing, all-knowing
god who understands everything.

- Yes...
- Well, answer me this.

What does a producer do?

Well, there are some things
even a god can't fathom.

(Thunder)
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