Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 16 - Yacht of Fools - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

English is, of course,

a member of the
Germanic sub-family

of the Indo-European...
Isn't this fascinating?

Must be what TV's
like after you're dead.

All right, Normie,
turn off that claptrap.

The cavalry has arrived.

I just raided Vincent's
Video Emporium

for the finest

'50s sci-fi fare.

All right. Yeah, get ready



for a rollicking evening
of, uh, pod people,

invisible monsters and
wisecracking robots.

Ooh... danger,
danger! Danger, danger!

I love this stuff. Yeah?

Oh, now there's
one of my favorites...

Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

All right. Good one.

A particularly
trenchant analysis

of the collective
American psyche

during the Cold War era,

with the pod people representing

the dehumanizing effect
of the McCarthy hearings.

I guess we got, uh, plenty
of other movies there.

Here we go.



Day the Earth Stood
Still... a real classic. Oh...

Klaatu barada nicto...

For my money, the finest

allegorical retelling

of the life of Christ on film.

Even better than E.T.

Next batter.

Forbidden Planet.

Well, that's a good choice.

It's a witty revamp of
Shakespeare's The Tempest

with Robbie the
Robot standing in

for the sprite Ariel.

Well, so what'll it be?

This, then, was the height

of the literary use
of Middle English.

By the end of...

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Look, are you sure...?

Check out Mr. Evan
Drake over there,

acting like he
owns the place, eh?

Thinks that he's just

some, uh, big shot
corporate executive, eh?

Doesn't have to pay attention

to the common man
like you and me?

We're not important enough.

Well, actually,
Cliff, if it helps

to alleviate this
envy that seems to be

eating you up right
now, studies have shown

that rich people are
40 to 50% less happy

than most of us.

Oh, come on, that's a crock.

Well, of course it is, but we
have to cling to it, don't we?

Thank you.

Damn.

Bad news?

Yeah, a very
important client and I

were going to take
the corporate yacht

out for a little cruise,
but he had to hurry home.

Illness in the family?

No, they overthrew
his government.

Ah, on the weekend,
to boot, huh?

Just can't make
plans with dictators.

Sam,

why don't you join me?

We're heading out
to Martha's Vineyard.

Oh, I'd love to.

Why don't we make it a
romantic weekend, huh?

Oh, well, I'm
flattered, Evan, that's...

No, no, no, no.

I meant bring Rebecca along.

Rebecca? Why
would I want to do that?

Well, the last I heard,
you two were a hot item.

Uh, well, uh... I'm not going
to hear any more about it.

I don't know, man... No,
no, no. You two are coming.

Now, just call my secretary.

She'll give you all
the details, all right?

Oh, Mr. Drake? Hmm.

Um, I'm an insignificant cog

in the vast machinery
of your corporation.

Nice to meet you.

You being a rich
and powerful guy,

you might think you'd let
yourself get all fat and lazy,

but you look like you keep
yourself in pretty good shape.

Well, I get to the gym
a few times a week.

Good, good, then maybe
you can catch the truck

that's towing your Rolls.

I love to see rich
people haul butt.

Well, let's see here.

What little mermaid
would like me

to scale her tail this weekend?

What, you're not
taking Miss Howe?

No, I thought I'd
have fun instead.

I'm tired of barking
up that tree.

I thought Mr. Drake
told you to take her.

Well, I'll just, uh, tell him

we broke up, or something.

Besides...

I got this, uh, gorgeous
dental hygienist

that I've been
trying to impress,

and flossing every
day just isn't doing it.

She'll love this yacht thing.

She's, uh, into
money in a big way.

It's amazing how superficial

some people can be, isn't it?

Oh, tell me about it.

Good thing for her

she's got a great
set of hooters.

Good luck. Mmm, thank you.

Hold it, hold it...

hold it, hold it, hold...

Look, no, I'm
telling you, Normie,

recent research into
the Revolutionary War

indicates that the, uh,
defenders of this area

were not called the,
uh, Minutemen after all.

Oh, like every history
book is then wrong, right?

Oh, they were actually
called the Minute Men.

A lot of them
under three feet tall,

as a matter of fact.

Right.

Way back in history,
people were shorter.

All right, fine.

Take, for example, the, uh,

the Knights of the Round Table.

Yeah? Genuine midgets.

You're a very lonely
man, aren't you?

Julie, sweetheart, come
on, it's the middle of winter.

You're going to
have to bundle up.

I don't know, pack a
wool bikini, or something.

All right.

Okay, bye-bye.

Whee. All right.

Julie is set.

Sammy, come here.

Let me see if I
got this straight.

What?

Drake invited you and Rebecca.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, Rebecca's got the
major hots for Drake.

You take Julie
instead of Rebecca.

Rebecca is left standing
alone on the dock.

Hey, what's that in her hand?

Oh, must be your severed head.

Uh, don't worry about it.

Rebecca's not even going
to find out she was invited.

Well, Sam, looks like
we're going to be shipmates.

What do you mean?

I just saw Evan outside,
and he told me the good news.

I'm going to be your date.

Uh, well, here... uh...

here's the bad news.

I've already invited
somebody else.

Un-invite her.

Sam, I have been dying

for this chance to
get to know Evan

in a social setting.

He only sees me

as some tough
businesswoman in tailored suits.

I want him to see
me in sportswear.

No... you don't understand.

See, Julie is really
important to me.

I've been working
like crazy to-to set

something up with her
for almost three days now.

All right, all right.

I'll, uh, I'll call Evan
and I'll try to fix it up.

I... what am... how am I going
to explain Julie tagging along?

Oh, I don't know.

Tell him she's your sister.

My sister? Rebecca, this is
a hot, gorgeous, sexy woman.

Yeah, he'll believe that.

Oh, this looks just marvelous,

Lorenzo, just marvelous.

Grazie, signore.

Thanks again, Evan,

for, uh, making room
for my sister here

on such short notice.

Yeah, I really appreciate that.

This yacht must have

cost a fortune!

Mmm.

Well, did it?

Well, the important
thing is that it

gets me where I want to go.

Ah. Yep.

All I really need is a
boat beneath my feet

and a star to guide her with.

And of course, a helicopter pad.

Oh, you have a
beautiful laugh, Julie.

Doesn't she brighten
up the old tub, Lorenzo?

It is like a ray of sunshine
to have a woman as beautiful

as Miss Malone onboard.

Oh, and of course you, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

Oh, thank you,
Mr. Drake, it's nice...

Wow, you must be very
proud of your brother.

He was one heck of
a pitcher, I'll tell you.

It's too bad he's
not playing now,

when he could be
making some real money.

Isn't she sweet?

You two are very
close, aren't you?

Mm. Oh, yeah.

She's, um, like a sister to me.

I'm afraid I didn't have much

in common with my brother.

Oh, you, too... Same
with my brother.

Julie, you told me you
didn't have another brother.

Well... Uh, well...

she doesn't, actually, but I do.

Well, well, it's not
actually his brother.

They're just such close friends

that Sam likes to think
of him as his brother.

We just don't have

anything in common, that's all.

Everything is ready, sir.

Ah. Ah. Hey!

Everyone help themselves here.

I have to have a
word with the chef.

Hey, I have three for
him, "Keep it coming."

Whoo!

You know, this is kind of fun,

pretending to have this
whole different personality.

If you like it, you might
want to get one of your own.

Wow, would you look at this.

Lobster, cracked crab, caviar...

Hey, ham. Whoo!

I wonder what this spread cost.

You know, Julie, you
seem very concerned

with the price of things.

Don't you find
that a little rude?

Well, it's not like I
asked him how old he is.

What do you think?

45? 50?

Find anything to your liking?

Actually, yes.

So have I.

So I guess your
cabin is that, uh,

really big one upstairs, huh?

Uh-huh.

Ah, I'd really like to see it.

Well, maybe I could take
you on the captain's tour

right after dinner.

Oh, I'd really like that.

Do you think your
brother would mind?

What brother?

Ah. Great.

Tonight is the night. Yeah.

I can feel it in my bones.

Right after dinner, I'm gonna
tell Evan how I really feel.

Mmm. No, I'm gonna
show him how I feel.

I'm going to seize the moment.

Fine, do what you want.

Right about then,
I'm going to be

seizing Julie's headboard.

Well...

May I propose a toast?

Oh, yeah. Yes.

To a night full of
promise and possibilities.

Hear, hear. Hear, hear.

Hear, hear, yeah.

Well, I hope Lorenzo
has seen to everything.

Julie, this is your cabin.

I hope you find it comfortable.

Thank you.

I'll check in on you later, sis.

Oh, uh, that's okay.

I think I'm getting a headache.

Well, not to worry.

I'll just drop by with
the old family cure.

Your cabin, you two.

Ah. Good night.

Good night. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

I'm sure you don't have

bedbugs on this boat,
or any other kind of bugs.

Do they even have bugs

at sea? Well,
maybe water bugs...

Good night.

What is my problem? Huh?

Every time I talk to him, I
sound like a complete idiot.

Sam? Mm-hmm.

Did you ever get
tongue-tied with a woman?

Oh, sure, lots of times.

As a matter of fact, once we
had to go to the emergency room.

They do have bugs at sea.

Oh, now...

Hey, this is a
great room, isn't it?

Too bad I won't be using it.

Yeah, well, if I get
lucky, I won't, either.

Sam, do you have to
do that in front of me?

What? Oh, I'm sorry,

but Julie's a dental hygienist.

This is gonna be the
first thing she checks.

Maybe the second.

You know, I love it when
you talk stupid, Sam.

Uh-huh.

Didn't she just say
she had a headache?

No, no. For Evan's benefit.

No, she's got the
kind of headache

where you go straight to bed

and take a couple of
Sammys every four hours.

God, I cannot believe

I'm sharing a
stateroom with you.

I will never get
any mirror time.

All right, all right.

Thank you. Just...

Oh, what can I get you?

Well, let's see.

Uh, today's my birthday.

What's a good birthday drink?

Oh, well, Sam always
buys a free beer

for people on their birthday.

Hey, that's great.

Uh, actually,

it's, uh, my girlfriend
here's birthday, too.

Oh, well, she gets a
free beer, too, then.

Funny thing is, it's
our birthday, also.

Oh, yeah, that's how we all met.

We were, uh, at the same party.

Wow.

Free beers all around then, huh?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, there,

Mr. Hoof and Mouth, will
you put your thinking cap on?

Hey, what are the
chances of those four people

having a birthday
on the same day?

The odds must be astronomical.

I'm just glad I
was here to see it.

Hey, hey... Woody,
Woody, Woody, Woody...

Don't you think
it's the slightest bit

of a coincidence that
those four people happen

to have the exact
same birthday as...

Cliff and me?

Really?

A pitcher will be fine.

Yeah.

Two.

You've been working
on your hair all this time,

and it still looks like that?

Like what?

Like something you'd surf on.

Well...

Give me the brush.

Get down.

All right.

God...

am I really gonna have the
guts to go through with this?

Yes, I am.

I have to.

And now...

There you go.

Yeah, that's great.

This is really going
to be tricky tonight.

Yeah.

I have to create just
the right romantic mood

with Evan. Yeah.

Do you have any suggestions
on how I could do that?

Oh, yeah, that's easy.

What you do...

is you knock on his
door, and you tell him

that you're having
trouble sleeping,

that you need some air.

And then you get
him to take a little stroll

around the deck with you,

and then when the...
the moment's right,

you tell him you'd
like to see him naked.

Works for me. Yeah.

I'm out of here.

Okay.

Good luck.

I-I was just heading up on deck.

I was just going
up on deck, too.

I just changed my mind.

I just changed my mind, too.

Whoa-ho! That was quick.

Was it everything
you thought it'd be?

Sam, don't be stupid.

All right, here I go.

Go on.

I changed my mind,
decided to get some fresh air.

Me, too.

Oh, but I forgot my...

So did I.

Would you do something
about that damn Julie?

What?

She keeps heading up on deck

every time I open up the door.

Julie? What the
hell's she doing?

We got a date.

That would probably
send me to the rail, too.

Here I go again.

You ready for
the Captain's tour?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't think I'm
dressed for it.

Maybe you could help me

pick out something.

Oh, my God!

What?

I just saw Evan
go in Julie's cabin,

and my life has no meaning.

You're crazy.

I'm not, I saw it.

Shoot me now!

J-Julie?

Uh, Sam,

I told you I have a headache.

Oh, wait a minute. What...?

Hey, Drake's in there, isn't he?

Oh.

Oh. Well...

I don't believe this. What...?

You're-You're throwing
me over for that guy? Why?

Just because he has
more money than me?

More money than
I'll ever hope to have?

More money than
most of America h...?

I'm losing this
argument, aren't I?

Good night.

Okay.

I don't believe the
nerve of that woman.

I believe it.

Of course I believe it.

Because she is nothing more than

a classless bimbo. SAM: Hey,

don't defend her to me.

To think, you know, I
have wasted three days

on that lost cause.

Three days?!

Try wasting two years.

Two years of waiting

by the phone for him to call.

Two years of making
excuses for why he didn't.

Two years

of dreaming about him

and thinking about him.

Living every

moment for Evan Gregory Drake.

Wow.

Boy, you sure have me beat.

I'm just so...

disappointed in him.

Disappointed? Think how I feel.

I mean, he's in there
boinking my sister.

Oh.

I am never gonna have a husband

or babies.

Oh, now...

Or a family.

All I have is my stupid career,

and I don't even like it.

Hey, come on now.

Listen, you-you
are a-a beautiful,

intelligent woman.

Oh, Sam, please, not now.

What? Oh, come on.

What-What you think that I'm...?

Listen, I made a lot of
stupid passes at you,

but this is not one of them.

Hey...

you are a terrific person.

You know, a lot of good
things are gonna happen,

and I'm sure the right
person's gonna come along.

Well, what if he already
did, and I didn't know it

because of Evan?

Well, then, if you miss him,

then he wasn't the right person.

Oh.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Really?

Uh-oh.

Um...

listen you're in a very, uh...

emotional state
right now, and I...

I don't want to take
advantage of that.

If you want me to
leave, you just say so.

I don't seem to
be saying anything.

Oh...

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's all right,
Evan, come in.

Well, I can't sleep until I
get something off my chest.

Well, read a book, man, and-and get
back to us in about three hours, huh?

No, no. Go on, Evan.

Sam...

I got where I am in life

because I have
always dealt honestly

with people I respect.

Hey, that's great. Can we talk
about it in the morning, please?

Sam, I tried to
seduce your sister.

Oh, oh, oh...

Oh, well, that's
a... that's a shocker.

Um, may...

maybe we ought
to sleep on it, huh?

Sam, please, give me
my day in court, will you?

You see, I...

Well, since my
marriage broke up,

I have been feeling lonely.

Still, a man gets urges.

Mm. EVAN: But

I guess I'm just
too old-fashioned

to think I can find any
real happiness that way.

Nothing happened, Sam.

Oh... And I just
wanted to explain

that to you, so, uh...

Uh, excuse me.

Well... Good night.

Yeah, yeah, good night.

All right. Now...

All right, okay.

Where were we here?

I have never loved
that man more than I do

right at this very minute.

Me, neither.

So where were we?

God, he needs someone so badly.

Oh, come on!

I haven't used that
"men have urges" line

since I was in the fifth grade.

Excuse me, Sam.

What? Come on!
What are you gonna do?

You gonna go chasing after him?

No, no, no. Please.

It isn't the right time.

I just have to think.

I'm gonna go up on deck

and sleep and look at the stars.

Uh, li-listen, you can't...

You can't just work
me up like that,

and then walk out
of here. Please.

Sam... No, please.

I believe you have a sister
with a vacancy sign on her door.

Right, right.

Say hello to the stars
for me there, sweetheart.

Boy, this... Okay, all right.

Um, Julie?

Listen, uh,

why don't we let
bygones be bygones here?

Um, you were
tempted, I was tempted,

but what the hell?

We're both
consenting adults, huh?

I sure hope there's,
uh, some room

in that bunk of yours for me.

There isn't.

I got to stay off boats, man.

Hello.

Hey, Carla.

Did you pick your
mother-in-law up?

Yeah.

I tried to pawn her off
on some Hare Krishnas,

but I think she's the only thing

they won't take at the airport.

So, how's it been going?

Oh, fine.

Well, they tried to pull
that old birthday gag

where they get a
free round of beers,

but I caught on
after the fifth round.

Oh, Gomer, Gomer, Gomer.

Geez!

Well, lucky for me, I remembered

that Mr. Clavin and Mr. Peterson
already had their birthday.

Those foam suckers
were in on this?!

That does it. Where are they?

Hey, hey, hey.

I want to talk to you.

Nobody stiffs this bar.

Oh... Oh...

You owe me

for five rounds.

Hey, come here.

Ooh.

All right, Cliffie, we split up.

There's no way she
can catch both of us.

Norm-Norm, she's... she's
gonna come after me first, Normie.

Yeah. Ready? No,

no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No. Get back here. Get...

Oh, oh. Ooh, ooh.

Hey!

Where's the tip?