Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 15 - Tale of Two Cuties - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break from all your
worries sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go
where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Troubles are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go where people
know people are all the same ♪



♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

So, did you get a chance
to see Carla's babies?

Oh, we sure did.

There are two of the cutest
little guys you've ever seen.

Ah, who do they look
like, Carla or Eddie?

Well, they're twins.

They kind of look
like each other.

What's this? "Carla's Tips."

Yeah, it was Carla's idea.

She does some of her
best thinking in labor.

This is ridiculous.

How does she expect to be
tipped if she's not even here?

Well, actually, she's doing a
lot better than she usually does.

Hello, Samuel. Hey.



Well, pardon my
appearance, everybody.

We always do.

Sorry. I was covering for Carla.

Oh, hey, you're
doing a fine job.

The reason why I look
like I've been up all night

is because, well,
I've been up all night

reading that little opus.

All right, Lust for Justice.

Yeah, Vera talked
me into reading this.

Oh, is she a fan?

No, no. When Vera's talking,
I'll read just about anything.

Yeah. I almost ruptured a disc

delivering those Book
of the Month club copies

and I decided to see what
all the hooha was about.

Yeah, two thumbs up, right?

Oh, yeah. Finest piece of trash

not written by a Junta or
Jackie in modern literature.

Good Lord. Another piece
of salacious mind candy.

God, this is over
600 pages long.

Who could imagine he'd
know this many words?

Yeah, well I checked. He
uses a lot of them twice.

Yeah, well, Frasier,

you want to borrow it then?

No way you'll
find me reading it.

Just look at these reviews.

Suit yourself.

"I couldn't put it down."

Cheers.

Oh, yeah, she is.
Miss Howe, Mr. Drake.

Mr. Drake?

I wonder what
he's calling about.

Woody, how did he sound?

Happy, mad, pleasant, annoyed?

Well, he sounds

kind of weird.

Like an old woman with a
lisp and a thick German accent.

Woody, that's his secretary.

Oh, well, then she
sounded pretty happy.

Hey, Anthony, Annie, what's up?

Sam, I'm swallowing
my Tortelli pride

to ask if

I might borrow five bucks.

That was very difficult for him.

Is it okay?

I want to get a present
for my mom and the twins.

Sure.

What are you going to get them?

Five bucks.

She'll like that.

Thanks, Sam.

Hey, I don't know when
I'll be able to pay you back.

Job market's been
really bad lately.

I haven't been able
to find a job anywhere.

Actually, we have an opening
for a temporary waitress

to sub for your mom.
What do you think?

Ah, I don't want
to be a waitress.

No, I was thinking about her.

No, I don't want
my wife to work.

I could do it if I want to.

Nuh-uh. Nuh-huh.

Nuh-uh. Nuh-huh.

Nuh-uh.

W-Why don't you
two talk about it.

Of course we will.

Communication is the
cornerstone of our marriage.

Nuh-uh. Nuh-huh.

Well, well, well. Hey, Normie,

look who's developed
a lust for justice.

Yeah.

Do you mind? Lorenzo
is hemorrhaging.

Oh, he dies.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

We don't want to spoil the
part where Monica first comes in.

Were you shocked or what
when she turned out to be a man?

Oh, no, no, I saw...

♪ I wish I was in
the land of cotton ♪

♪ Old times there
are not forgotten ♪

♪ Look away, look
away, look away... ♪

You know, sometimes I like
to play little guessing games.

Do you like to play little
guessing games, guys?

Let's play a little
guessing game.

I just spoke to Mr. Drake
and he suggested that I hire

a young girl he knows
to cover for Carla.

Now, why do you suppose a
busy, important man like Mr. Drake

would take time out of his day

to get a simple
cocktail waitress a job?

Oh, oh, oh. Uh,
she's, uh... Norm.

She's a friend of the family.

Possible.

He's, uh, paying off a debt.

I like that.

He feels sorry for her.

He does have a soft heart.

Maybe she's sleeping with him.

Of course that little
tramp is sleeping with him!

Do you think I'm stupid?

Is this still part of
the guessing game?

No, no, no.

This is just too perfect.

Evan found a nice little bowl
for his goldfish to swim in.

Safe, out of the reach of
the other executive sharks.

Obviously, he forgot about

the Great White Sammy.

Well, we've reached
a compromise, Sam.

I'm taking the
relief waitress job.

Great.

What's the compromise?

I'm letting her.

Wait a minute.

I am in charge around here

and it is my responsibility
to hire people,

and I have just be informed
that I am hiring someone else.

They're going through
a tough time right now.

Why don't you let
Annie work just for tips?

Tips?! Yeah.

If I'm gonna work here,
I demand a set salary,

plus tips, plus

two coffee breaks,
plus weekends off.

That is completely
out of the question.

Okay, then I
demand that tip thing.

It's a deal.

I need a Scotch, rocks,
two white wines and a draft.

Okeydokey.

Come on, corn cob. Arriba.

Boy, I tell ya, Annie's
getting to be a real pro, huh?

Yeah, she's sure rattling
off those drink orders, huh?

That's nothing.
How about the way

she puts me in my place?

Can you believe it?

Her first day on the job
and Evan's little tart is late.

That's because she knows
I can't do anything about it

because her lover
boy is the big boss.

Isn't she just the
queen of gall?

Oh, no, that was
Charlemagne's wife, I think.

Well, you know,
if memory serves,

I think her name was Cathy.

Listen, have you ever thought

that you're reading
this whole thing wrong?

That maybe she's just
a four-eyed little geek

that Evan Drake
is trying to help out?

Right. And Cliff is leaving
his brain to science.

I guess, you're still
covering for Carla, huh?

Guess again.

Okay, uh, here's
another possibility.

Instead of firing someone,

you send them to the
worst job in the organization.

Usually the poor schlep
just gets fed up and quits.

They've tried that on
me a bunch of times.

Works like a charm.

You know, you might be right.

She's probably just
some pathetic little dishrag

whose last great hope is
working here at Cheers.

I got to stop jumping
to conclusions.

Excuse me. Is Miss Howe here?

Mr. Drake sent me.

Oh, you must be the slut.

Excuse me?

Slot. You're here
to fill the slot.

Welcome to Cheers.

Why don't you just
follow me in to my office

and we'll fill out
your W-4 form.

Great.

And I'll need a phone
number and a job history,

and a number we can call

in case you meet with some
horrible disfiguring accident.

Sam?

What?

Could I ask your opinion as a
passionate macho stud horse?

Sure. I may have to stamp
out the answer with my foot,

but go ahead.

Well, it's bad enough that
Anthony's lost all his ambition

and can't get a job. Right.

But ever since I
started working here,

he's become insanely jealous.

Why am I late? When
am I coming home?

Why am I dressed
like such an ultra-fox?

I mean, if it weren't for the
six times a day we make love

he'd be no fun at all.

Six?

Whoo!

Can't think of anything
that I can do six times a day.

Hit me again. Will you, Sam?

Listen, it's kind of
tough on a husband,

you know, to have
his wife supporting him.

It's a... It's a pride thing.

It is a pride thing, Sam.

I remember once when I was
out of work, Vera had to support us.

I tell ya, the day that woman
left to deliver phone books...

The proudest day
of my life, actually.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to talk to him?

Would you, Sam? Thanks. Yeah.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Hey, I saw that!

Anthony! I can't believe
you're spying on me.

Suddenly, everything
makes sense.

You're taller than me.

You have a Corvette
instead of a bus pass.

And your hair does
that cool blow-dry thing.

And now you've got my wife.

Well, aren't you gonna
stay and fight for me?

What's the use?

Hey, Anthony,

come on, now, don't...

Have you ever had to
defend Vera's honor?

Well, no, not per se.

But on more than one occasion

I've held her place in line
while she parked the car.

Could you believe that?

After I gave that man the
best 28 months of my life.

Well, why don't you
go catch up with him

and patch things up.

Forget it. He's a wimp
and he can't get a job.

And his jealousy is
ruining our marriage.

Not to mention that he left
the cap off the toothpaste

for, like, the
kajillionth day in a row.

I had no idea that the
wounds were so deep.

Well, as far as I'm
concerned, he can just go and...

Oh, God!

I've just lost the only
man I've ever loved.

Oh, no, wait. Sit here, will ya?

Listen, he'll come back.
Don't you worry about that.

Now, he's not gonna leave

a beautiful girl like you.

You really think so, Sam?

Oh, absolutely.
He'll be right back.

I mean, do you really
think I'm beautiful?

Hey, anyone see the conclusion

of the White House
Murders last night?

No! Don't say anything.
I've got it on tape.

Did you believe it
was the vice-president?

Please!

How about where the First Lady

popped out of a
pool of her own blood

and strangled the
Russian ambassador?

No... No...

Yeah, that was
my reaction exactly.

Well, thank you, one and all,

for ruining yet
another plot for me.

I'll be off, now,
but before I go...

there's something I'd
like to share with you.

In Citizen Kane. Rosebud
is the name of his sled.

In Murder on the Orient Express,

everyone did it,

and Luke Skywalker's
father is Darth Vader.

Ha!

Ah, why doesn't the guy tell us

something we don't know, huh?

Darth Vader is Luke's father?

See you soon.

Bye.

"Bye."

How dare she put on
that sweetness and light

when it's so obvious
she's nothing more

than a sordid little harlot.

Hypocrite.

Doing a great job,
Laurie. Keep it up!

I need a couple of drafts, Sam.

Okay.

But, oh, you, uh,

You and Anthony
still not talking?

Talking? I can barely
stomach necking with him.

He's a wimp.

Not like my Sam.

Tell me,

how do you feel about
moonlit walks by the beach

and dinner by a roaring fire?

I hate them. I-I can't
stand them. Bleah.

Yay! Me, too. No, no, no.

I was kidding. I love them.

Too late.

You know, if someone
ran over Laurie

in the parking lot, I bet it
would look like an accident.

Do you want to make 500 bucks?

Just, don't...

Listen to yourself.

You're going crazy here.

We both have a problem
with these new waitresses.

Why don't we help
each other out, here?

Oh, like I scratch your back...?

And I'll scratch your front.

What do you propose?

Well, all right, uh... now,
we don't know for sure

that Laurie is Evan
Drake's mistress,

so why don't you let a guy

who knows women better than they

know themselves
find out, all right?

Okay.

Laurie, you got a second here?

Yeah.

How do you feel about, uh...

moonlit walks on the beach
with a dinner by a roaring fire?

Oh, I love those.

Well, would you like to join me?

Oh, no, no, but...
thanks for asking.

She's his mistress.

How do you know that?

She turned me down.

That just proves she
has a weak stomach.

I'll handle this myself.

Oh, wait a second.
Wait a minute.

What about my little
problem here, you know?

Sam, I don't have time to handle

some silly little teenage crush.

It is not silly.

Oh, yes, Miss Howe?

Laurie, my, you are
such a busy little bee.

I bet you just won't
have an ounce

of energy left for
your leisure time.

Oh, that's okay.
I've lots of energy.

I'll bet you do.

You know, you and
I really haven't had

a chance to get
to know each other.

What do you like to
do in your leisure time?

Well, I, uh, I like to read.

In bed?

Sometimes.

What else do you like to do...

in bed?

Sleep.

Oh, well.

Let, let's imagine here,
that you are asleep in bed,

and you roll over.

Did you fall on the floor,

or did something
impede your progress?

Excuse me?

Oh, nothing.

It's must my warped,

wonderful, wild sense of humor.

By the way,

how do you know Evan Drake?

Well, he's uh... a friend.

Oh. Well, then maybe
you could help me out.

I was gonna buy him a gift.

Perhaps you know
what size he wears

in slacks or shirts
or jockey shorts.

Oh... sure,

but he doesn't wear jockeys.

He wears boxers.

Never mind, then.

I'm gonna pop her.

I'm gonna pop her.

I'm gonna pop her
right in the kisser.

I'm gonna pop her!

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!

That's good.

Now-Now do, uh, bacon frying.

You know, Darth Vader cannot
be Luke Skywalker's father.

They don't have
the same last name.

That's right, Woody.

I'd better call out
the Imperial Guards.

Stop it, Mr. Peterson.

You're scaring me.

You know, Sam,

I was just thinking
about us last night

as I was in the tub
shaving my legs

and pumicing the dead
skin off my knees and elbows

and waxing my...

Uh, is-is there a point to this?

Do I have to say it?

Can't you just feel it?

Would you stop that?

This is silly. Now, just...

Of course it's silly,
but love is silly, isn't it?

Romeo and Juliet were silly
in a mad, passionate way.

Are we silly, Sam?

Are we?

Y-You maybe, but I'm not.

Listen, young lady, I happen
to be a very close friend

of your mother-in-law,

and out of respect,

I'm ending this
conversation right now.

You can end the
conversation, Sam,

but you can't end the feeling.

Honey, I'm flattered,
but this is nuts.

I mean, I...

You know, I'm old
enough to be your f...

a youthful uncle, all right?

I mean, when-when...
when I'm 60,

you're-you're gonna be 22.

Oh, my God, that can't be right.

Uh...

all right, uh...

All right, when I'm 60, uh,

well, you'll be looking
pretty good, actually.

Um...

so, why don't you
call me when I'm 60?

I can't wait that long.

Oh, don't. Just...

Hey, knock it off!

All right, you, outside.

You're gonna get
what's coming to you.

I am not going outside
with you, Anthony.

Not you. Her.

I mean, come on.

You're twice as big as me.

Hey, but you stay away from her,
if you know what's good for you.

Thank you for the warning.

Come on, Annie. Let's go.

Why should I listen to you?

Because I happen to be the new

Assistant Night Manager
at Burger Burger Burger.

You got a job?

Hey, an important job.

When I tell people
to chop lettuce,

they say, "How high?"

And now, I am
telling you, Missy,

if you don't come
with me this instant,

we're through forever.

I am so totally
turned on right now,

I could spit.

Well,

I guess it's true what they say:

power is the
ultimate aphrodisiac.

A uniform doesn't hurt, either.

Can you wear it all night?

Oh, maybe the hat.

Ooh.

Boy, Sam, lucky for
you, he got that job, huh?

Lucky, hell.

I got him that job.

I traded in a few
favors and got him in.

Wow.

As a matter of fact,

are you interested in
buying a secondhand car

with this giant
hamburger on top?

Five-speed or automatic?

Uh, Miss Howe?

Yes, Laurie, dear?

Well, uh, Mr. Drake
is dropping by,

and I was wondering if
I could just break away

for a... for an early lunch.

Lunch.

Is that the fashionable
term for it these days?

No, I think I've
always called it lunch.

Well, you just run
along with Mr. Drake

to your lunch,

and don't eat so much,
you can't walk back.

Okay.

Excuse me, Sam.

What did she mean by that?

Oh, she's, uh,

under a lot of
pressure nowawdays.

I volunteered

to help her release
some of it, but she...

Probably didn't help, by
asking for an early break.

Mm.

I better apologize.

Oh,

Normie, do my eyes deceive me,

or is this the start of
girl-fighting season?

Luckily, we have our, uh,

luxury box seats just in time.

That's right.

They cost a little bit
more, but they're worth it.

Miss Howe, if it's
more convenient,

I'll just take my lunch
break one hour...

Listen!

Let's just cut the
crap here, all right?

I know how you got hired here,

and I know what your
relationship is to Mr. Drake.

You do?

Well, give me credit

for having an ounce of a brain.

You can tell me to go to hell,

but there's something
I have to know.

Do you love Evan Drake?

Well, yes.

I see.

And does he love you?

Does he love you?!

Well, of course he does.

Well, then there's only
one thing left to say.

Oh, my God. Oh!

Oh, damn, it's a knockout.

Didn't even get
to any hair-pulling.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

What the hell's going on?

Mr. Drake.

Daddy.

D-Daddy? Daddy?

Daddy. Daddy.

What happened?

Oh, I think she hit me.

You hit my daughter?

No, I'm fine.

Yes, I did,

but it was an accident.

I have a nerve disorder.

- A nerve disorder?
- Yes, she...

Yes. She was dropped
as a child on her...

And-And you better
stand back, because

I just never know
when it's gonna go off.

Ooh. Oh!

Aah! See?

I'd better get back
on that medication.

Are you all right, baby?

I'll be all right. Thank you.

I mean her.

Yes, Daddy.

Oh. REBECCA: So, uh,

Laurie's your daughter.

Why didn't you tell me, kiddo?

Well, Daddy said not to.

I didn't want her to have
any special treatment.

I want her to know
what it feels like

not to be the boss's daughter.

What a fabulous idea.

And so smart of you not to tell

anyone who she was.

Do you have any
cotton in your office?

Yeah. Let's put some
food in my baby, huh?

Again, again, please
accept my apology,

and it was so nice
to see you, Mr. Drake.

If you don't mind, I'll wait

till after you've
had the medication.

Do you think he bought
that nerve disorder thing?

I think he bought that
nerve disorder thing.

Is it getting darker in here?

Oh, Sam, stop being
such a big baby.

Yeah, well...

Here, let me look at your nose.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, my God!

What?

Oh.

Huh?

What-What...?

Hey, everybody, I'm back.

Hey, Carla. All right.

Anything new since
I've been gone?

Mm, no, not much.

Uh, well, nothing special.

Yeah, yeah. How about yourself?

The usual.