Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 11 - My Fair Clavin - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, how about

a couple of beers?

I'm afraid I'm going to
have to see some ID.

All righty. Thank you.

And If I can see yours, please.

Why don't we
just forget about it.

Let's just get out of here.

Guys, guys, wait a minute.

Before you run
screaming from here,

let me ask you something.



This friend of mine
is having twins.

All right, it's me.

Now, I don't care if
they call each other

cute little names like
"Chipper and Skipper,"

or if they pretend
to be each other,

make their teachers'
lives a living hell.

See, what worries me

is that they'll have
ESP, you know,

and they'll communicate
silent, evil thoughts

and I won't know what
they're saying about me.

You think that's weird?

Well?

We're discussing it.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪



♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Listen up, everybody.

Clifford Clavin has decided

to make a major life change.

Don't bother... You'd
be a dorky woman, too.

That's a good one, Carla.

A good one.

All right, Cliffie.

What's up, bud?

There's a new condo
complex going up on my route.

You know, one of those places

filled with beautiful people
having the time of their lives.

I said to myself,

Clifford C., you'd
take to that place

like a fish takes to water.

All slimy with your
eyes bulging out?

Shouldn't you be squatting
in a field somewhere, Carla?

Well, make a long story short,

I am, uh, Boston's
newest homeowner.

Bought a condo.

Hey. Wait, wait.

That means you're
moving out on me?

Normie, I can't live
with you forever.

Well, you can't do that.

Who's gonna mix Vera's cocoa?

Who's gonna rub her feet?

Who's gonna talk to her?

Normie, I'm afraid
you're just gonna, uh,

have to pick up the slack.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Not me.

Maybe I can hire
some high school kid.

Did everybody see that?

Yes, I've started smoking again.

I've been under
a lot of pressure,

and I needed something
to calm my nerves, all right?

And I don't want to
hear any stupid remarks

about yellow fingernails
or kissing ashtrays,

and if you use the
phrase "coffin nails,"

you better be a mortician.

Any questions,
comments, snide remarks?

No? Good.

Well, it certainly has
calmed her down.

Uh, excuse me.

You know, I have to apologize.

I feel like this is my fault.

What are you talking about?

Well, obviously you
started smoking again

because you got some sort

of pent up sexual
frustration going on.

And I don't think we
have to tell each other

who's responsible
for that, now do we?

Oh. Hey.

Come on, I'm just trying
to help here, you know?

You know what you ought to
do, you ought to come on over

to Dr. Sammy's
Stop Smoking Center.

Today's special is
a free chest exam.

Sam, is this one of
those two-week programs

with a simple two-day follow-up?

Those guys.

Come on in.

Hey.

What a surprise, you guys.

Welcome to Chez Cliff.

Sounds like party
central out there.

Well, I just hope
that they can, uh,

keep up with the
Chairman of the Broads.

Cliffie, I brought you

the traditional
housewarming gift.

Whoa, six-pack. Yeah.

Well, a five-pack.

Well, uh, so,

you guys ready
for the grand tour?

Okay. Yup.

Right here we
have the living room.

Mm-hmm.

Right over here is the bedroom.

Whoa.

Hey, slow down, let me
catch my breath here.

Whoa, almost forgot

the kitchen.

Yeah, I think the
builder did, too.

Let me, huh, put
these beers on ice here.

Yeah, good idea.

It's not too cold
in here, buddy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I
noticed that, Normie.

I think it's the, uh,
amalgamator valve.

I've been meaning
to strip it down,

check out the engine, you know.

I think I better put, uh,

some more Freon
in the regulator, too.

Or else you could just

turn this little dial to cold.

Well, yeah, if
you're... you know,

you want to take a
stopgap approach.

Oh, hey, did you notice
the pool on your way in?

Yeah.

So when, uh,
summer rolls around,

and all those
girls are out there

in their French cut bikinis,

I don't have to
tell where I'll be.

Standing right here
with a pair of binoculars?

That's right.

Boy, oh, boy.

Hey, thanks for
coming by, you guys,

but, you know, I don't
mean to be rude, but, uh,

I got to ask you to skedaddle.

I got somebody soft
and sweet with a voice

like a nightingale coming over.

Who, the busboy from
Melville's is coming over here?

No, no, Woody.

Ruben's not coming over here.

It's a... it's one of the women

in the building.

Wait a minute, Cliffie.

Are we actually
talking a female here?

Oh...

I mean, a real, live,
breathing woman,

three-dimensional, no
posters, no polyurethane?

Well...

you know, Normie,
Sally is the real McCoy,

and she is one
gorgeous babe, to boot.

All right, well, this
I got to see, Cliffie.

Yeah, maybe we
could stick around

and meet your lady friend, huh?

Uh, no, you know, I, uh,

guys, I really don't think
that's a very good idea.

Well, why don't you bring
her by the bar or something?

Well, you know, I've been trying

to get the woman
to go out, Normie,

but, uh, she just
wants to stay, uh,

held up here in
our little hideaway.

I guess I'm her... love hostage.

Well, that's something I
definitely don't care to see.

Okay. Good to see you.

Hey, if I'm not down at the bar,

send out a missing
swinger's report.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi, Sally.

Hi. Hi.

Guess what?

I have great news. What?

I was named
employee of the month

at the Yarn Barn.

Well, I tied.

That's-that's really
great news, Sally.

I'm really happy for you.

So I was thinking
maybe to celebrate,

we could go out.

I got a-a better idea.

Why don't, uh...
we just stay in?

Oh, Cliff, we've done
that every night this week.

I was thinking

maybe we could go to that bar

you're always talking about.

You're kidding. That dive?

Uh, you know,
uh, Sally, I, uh...

spend all day, you
know, walking around,

uh, uh, outside, and, you know,

at the end of the
day, I just like to come

back to my own
little apartment here

and just sort of relax
and take it easy and, uh...

get my tensions relieved,
if you know what I mean.

Yes, I know what you mean.

I'll get the lights, huh?

Fine, I'll-I'll just
get comfortable.

And I'll, uh, meet you

on the sofa in
about five seconds.

All right.

Have you got the, uh, you know?

Oh, yeah.

And now, here's the host
of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek.

Thank you. Welcome
once again to our show.

We are delighted, of
course, to welcome back

our returning champion,
the lady from Boca Raton...

Uh-oh.

Here comes Madame Nicotine.

I just had the most
disgusting morning of my life.

Ooh, can't wait
to hear about it.

I just spent the last hour
at a no-smoking clinic

looking at pictures
of ugly ashtrays,

rooms filled with
smoke, people coughing.

And the worst one was
a cigarette snuffed out

in the yolk of a fried egg.

Mm. Bet that stopped you
from wanting a cigarette, eh?

No, but I think it's put
me off eggs for good.

I'll be in the office,

chewing on my hair.

This is going to be fun.

Carla, what are you doing?

I am going to torment her

with this fresh
pack of cigarettes.

No, Carla, you mustn't!

Carla, now, granted,

she's been in rather
a foul mood lately,

but Rebecca has made
a serious life decision,

and what she needs now
more than anything else

is encouragement and support,

and I for one am
not going to fail her.

Oh, Rebecca?

What do you want, Bone Dome?!

Here, try these.
They're menthols.

Next case.

Dr. Crane, I-I'm really sorry.

I think I'm just
a little on edge.

Look, I apologize, too.

I behaved very unprofessionally.

It's just that I'm
really frustrated

because I can't
seem to kick this habit.

Well, listen, may I
suggest something

that seems to have worked
for many of my patients?

Changing doctors?

Thank you, Carla, no.

You're engaged right now

in a psychological
battle with your will.

Now, you've got to bring

to the foreground
every weapon available.

Promise yourself
that if you smoke

one more cigarette,

you'll do the most disgusting,

repulsive thing you can imagine.

Dr. Crane, I can't
even imagine...

Sam Malone...

if I smoke another cigarette,

I'll go to bed with you.

Darn thing's on the blink again.

Excuse me,

Rebecca? What?

Uh, there's a problem I'd
like to talk over with you.

I am really trying
to quit, all right?

Oh, no, no, no,
it's not about that.

It's, uh...

I met this girl.

And?

Oh. People usually
stop me at that point.

Anyway, uh...

night after night I
keep begging her

to come down to the bar
and meet the guys, but

she just won't come.

Just wants to stay at
home and watch Jeopardy.

Uh, I think that maybe
she's a little-little bit ashamed

about the way she looks,

and she's afraid she
might embarrass me.

So, uh, you got any suggestions,

or what can I do?

Let me see here. Um...

Oh. Have you ever seen those
beauty magazine makeovers?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Sure, sure.

Well, then what are
you bugging me for?

Oh, wait a minute.

If you ever see
me with a cigarette

hanging out of my mouth,
would you do me a favor?

What's that?

Kill Sam.

Did you, uh, dab lip
gloss on your eyelashes

so they sparkle
like the North Star?

Yes, Cliff.

I'm coming out now.

Okay.

Listen, don't stand
too close, okay?

Try me from a distance first.

Okay.

All right, I'm backing up.

All clear!

Wow.

Gee, thanks, Cliff.

Oh, isn't it about
time for Jeopardy?

Huh?

Jeopardy.

Jeopardy.

Uh...

All right. Uh...

Why don't we go out?

Really, Cliff?

Sure.

Great.

Okay. I'll-I'll just, um,

go do a little more
blending, and then we'll go.

I'll just, uh, be out here

on the front porch and catch
a little breath of fresh air.

I got a fox!

Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla.

Ladies room,
ladies room. Please.

No, I'm not following
her in there again, Sam.

I'm one puff away from paradise.

Come on. Please.

There's only so much
polite conversation

you can make
yelling over a stall.

Cliff, this isn't a dive.

Well, no, by a dive,
I meant that, uh...

it was below street level.

Oh, right.

Yeah, let me introduce
you to my cronies.

But I gotta warn you first,

they can be a little
bit crude, all right?

Hey, guys.

Va-va-va-voom, huh?

Hello.

I, uh, thought we'd
met all of Cliff's cousins.

Oh, I'm not his cousin.

No, she's my date.

Would you like
a little seat here?

I'll get you

something to drink.
Nice to meet you.

Likewise.

Well, I'll tell you.

She's what guys back down
on the farm where I come from

would call ethereal.

Woody,

where exactly was this farm?

A couple of beers,
there, Wood man.

You got something
on her, don't you?

You found something
incriminating in her mail.

For God's sake, Cliff,
just ask her for money.

Don't be vicious.

Look, look, look, is it
so hard for you people,

and whatever you are, Carla,

to believe that, uh, this, uh,

beautiful woman would go
out with me on her own accord?

No, of course not, Cliff.

I can think of any
number of reasons

why a woman might
behave that way.

You can?

Well, of course, but remember...

I'm a psychiatrist.

So, hey, w-where's Sammy?

I wanna show him
one gorgeous Bostonian

that slipped through his net.

He's over there hauling her in.

Ho! Ahem!

Sammy!

Oh, Sammy. Oh, young fellow.

Oh-ho, boy.

Oh, Cliff, do you
know each other?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Can I have a word
with you, Sammy?

Yeah, see, she's with me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Excuse us, Sally.

Hey, she is one
very pretty lady.

Yeah, thank you, Sam.

Another one of
your, uh, cousins?

She's my date.

Really?

Well, is she, um...?

Well, we think so.

Well,

congratulations,
man. Yeah, yeah.

Great. Listen, Sam,
about that over there...

No, I'm sorry. I
want to apologize

if I was out of line there,

but, well, the truth is,

you're gonna have
to expect that kind

of thing happening from now on.

What do you mean?

Well, she's definitely

a major-league
looker, there, Cliff.

I mean, guys are gonna
be hitting on her all the time.

Ah, you don't have to
worry about that, Sammy.

Sally is a one-man woman.

Better check your
arithmetic there.

Hmm?

Ho!

Hey, Sally.

Cliff, look who's
here. It's Jeff.

From 325.

Hey, I-I know you.

You're the guy
with the binoculars.

Uh, Sally, I think
it's, uh, about time

we, uh, vamoose out of here.

You know, Jeopardy's going
to be starting in a little while.

Let's go, Sally.

Listen, uh, Jeff just got
a new Porsche Turbo

and he wants to
take me for a ride.

You don't mind, do you?

Well, uh...

We'll just be gone
a few minutes.

You don't mind, do you.

Oh, no.

No, I-I don't mind.

That's fine.

I don't care.

I don't mind at all.

Beer here, Woody.

Excuse me, excuse me.

What was that
lady doing in there?

Oh, oh, no, no, no.

You know... no,
you don't understand.

See, we... W-Wait a minute.

We have... we have
this little bet between us.

Let me... let me explain here.

See, I get to go to bed
with her if she smo... Ow!

All right, fine.

Jamie Kelt is a
correct response,

but you forgot to phrase
that in the form of a question.

That's why they call it
Jeopardy. Beer, Sam, please.

Are you okay, Cliff?

However, you get to
make the next selection.

Jeopardy used to
be our show, Normie.

It's just not the same

watching it by myself.

I just don't know if I
can go on without her.

She's only been
gone for ten minutes.

Yeah, I had to make
her beautiful, Normie.

I've created a
beautiful monster.

What am I going to do?

- What is Paraguay?
- What is Paraguay?

Right. Yeah! All right!

Well, thanks a lot, Normie.

- What is Notre Dame?!
- What is Notre Dame?

That's right. Ooh, yeah!

Hey, hey, hey, Carla.

Do you smell smoke? Come here.

Of course I smell
smoke, you dink.

It's a bar.

I can also smell beer,
sweat and lousy tips.

No, no, no, no.

No, she's smoking in there.

I knew she couldn't
last this long.

Oh...

A-ha!

Oh, uh... hey, uh,
where's the pool table?

Ah, wrong room.

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

I'm not going to say I
knew it, but I knew it.

I knew it.

Now, this was your idea,
too. I did not come up with this.

This is your idea.

What a great idea! Oh!

Well, what do you say?

Uh, shall we, uh, strip
down to our smiles here

and show the, uh... show
the couch here a good time?

No.

We'll go to my place.

Excuse me?

Ooh! You're really going to
go through with this, aren't you?

Yes, I am, but I want
to get one thing straight.

Ooh, yeah, yeah.

My smoking has nothing to do

with sexual frustration
over you or anyone else.

It's just a stupid habit.

But I made a pact,

so now I'm going to
suffer the consequences

no matter how vile

or disgusting they may be.

Let's go.

Well...

You don't really want
to do this, do you?

No, it's all right.

I'll just close my eyes and
imagine someone appealing.

Besides, I have a
feeling it won't take long.

You know, gee whiz, you know,

if-if you're not going to
get in the spirit of this,

then I-I just don't
want to do it.

No, come on, come
on, a deal's a deal.

No.

Look, I made a pact. I
just want to get it over with.

No, I don't want to do it.

You know, I have some
pride. I have some dignity.

I'll tell you what.

You find someone else
to do your dirty work.

Thinks she can mess
with Sam Malone.

What happened?

She asked me to go to
bed with her, and I said no.

Oh!

Oh, Cliff, I have never driven

so fast in my whole life.

I had the best time.

Eh, great, great.

So did I.

Cliff, is something the matter?

No, uh, nothing's the matter.

What could be the matter?

I'll tell you what's the
matter, Little Miss Porsche.

Try to do a girl a favor,

help her become a
little bit more attractive,

and next thing you
know, she's out there...

attracting people.

Is that what's bothering you?

This makeup?

Is that what all this is about?

Well, yeah, you got to
admit, before you put it on,

you were a...

a sweet thing who, uh...

was content to sit

by a dear friend's
side on an evening

and watch a rousing,

wholesome game of Jeopardy.

So...

all I have to do to make
things right between us is...

take off all this silly makeup

and go back to
being the way I was?

Wow, you... you'd
do that for me?

No way.

I like the way I look in makeup.

Wait till they get a load
of me at the Yarn Barn.

It makes you look

like a... cover girl.

I'm sorry, Cliff.

That's what you're stuck with.

You're just going to
have to learn to live with it.

Well, I guess I'm...

big enough of a person
not to let your appearance

get in the way of
our relationship.

I'm glad.

Besides, appearances
don't matter at all.

Of course they don't.

Like, it doesn't bother me

that you wear those
funny white socks.

Of course it doesn't.

Or that it looks as if you trim

your mustache
with a butter knife.

Eh, another fine example.

Cliff, have you ever
considered joining a gym?

Oh, you ever
considered wearing flats?

I can help you

with that smoking
problem, you know.