Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 12 - Christmas Cheers - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

WOMAN ( on TV): Oh,
George, George, George...

George, George. Oh.

George...

Honey, are you real?

Hot buttered rum
and an Irish coffee.

( laughter on TV)

Oh, no! Not

It's a Wonderful Life again.

Mm-hmm.

How many times a day
are they gonna show



this golden moldy?

Six.

From now until New
Year's on Channel 13,

it's a wonderful month.

This flick is so sweet,
it makes my teeth ache.

Uh-oh.

Stupid alert.

I can

guarantee you from
my days in accounting

that if you run short at
the bank, everyone in town

does not dash over, cash
in hand, to bail you out.

♪ ...auld lang syne... ♪

Oh. Oh, here comes
the gooshiest part.

Oh.



Oh, have they no shame?

Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck!

♪ For auld lang syne ♪

♪ We'll drink a cup
of kindness yet ♪

♪ For auld lang syne... ♪

( voice breaking): Can
I have a Kleenex, Sam?

Must have got

something in my eye.

( sniffling)

Yeah, me, too.

♪ For auld lang syne. ♪

( choked up): Must
be... something in the air.

( piano plays)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, good afternoon, all you
warmhearted and generous people.

NORM: Cliffy.

What's with the box?

Well, the, uh, postal carriers
are having a food drive,

and if you, uh, good samaritans
fill this box with canned goods,

I'll, uh, win a free
trip to Disney World.

Yeah.

Imagine that... Pirates
of the Caribbean,

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride and me.

( chuckling)

NORM: So,

who are the cans for? CLIFF: Uh,

I don't know.

Poor, needy, somebody like that.

Boy, they make such a fuss

about Mother Teresa.

Excuse me there, Doctor,

but, uh, do I, uh,
detect a wry note

of cynicism there
in your comments?

Cynical? Me?

How could I possibly be cynical?

Living in a nation

in which we
celebrate the holy birth

of a babe in a manger

with Perry Como in Hawaii.

Hey, boss lady,

what you all duded up for?

You mean, why am I
not wearing a sweatshirt

and plastic earrings?

Yeah.

'Cause I just came

from the company
Christmas party.

SAM: Ooh! Did you corner

Mr. Drake under the
mistletoe and make nice-nice?

None of your business.

♪ Oh, Rebecca didn't
get her Christmas goose. ♪

But I did have plenty
of time to make out

next week's schedule.

Whoa, whoa, wait a second here.

You got us working
on Christmas Eve.

That's a holiday.

No, Christmas is a holiday.

Well, it's a holiday eve.

I'm gonna pay you
all time and a half.

No. Hey. No, forget it.

We cannot be bought.

I can.

Sweetheart, don't you want
to be home with your family?

Would you?

Good point, good point.

Uh, Woody...

Uh, Woody can't
work. He has to go back

to Indiana, be with his folks.

Not this year, Sam.

I'm a big boy now.

I got commitments in the city.

I landed a part

in our children's
theater production

of The Story of Snow.

I play the King of the Flakes.

Hmm.

That'd be a stretch.

Listen... We only have

a matinee on Christmas Eve,

so I'd be happy
to work that night,

encores permitting.

Great. Oh, and just
so you guys know

I'm not pulling rank,

I'm scheduled to
work that night, too.

No. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Listen, no way am
I punching the clock

on one of the most
sacred of family nights

in the whole year.

Oh, and what do
you have planned?

An intimate little dinner
with one of your nieces?

She makes it sound so cheap.

Oh, joy.

Christmas Eve.

By this time tomorrow,
millions of Americans,

knee deep in tinsel
and wrapping paper,

will utter those
heartfelt words...

"Is this all I got?"

I hope you're not hanging
that there for my benefit.

Are you kidding me?

Who'd want to kiss somebody

who makes everyone else
work on Christmas Eve?

Oh, all right.

The reviews are in.

We're a hit!

( patrons murmuring)

MAN: Good for you, Woody.

Let's, uh, take a peek.
MAN: Congratulations.

Okay.

"The Story of Snow
was way excellent.

"I think any kid in
Miss Pedesta's class

who misses it
is a full-on goon."

And that from the kid
who panned Goldilocks.

Yeah.

WOODY: Yeah. I'm gonna

call my mom and read it to her.

Yeah?

Boy, I'll tell you,
I sure am glad

I stayed in Boston after all.

If I was home right now,
I'd just be sitting around

listening to my aunt and uncle

talk about who's
dead and who's sick

and who lost part of
their head in a thresher.

Hello, Mom?

( crying): I miss
you all so much.

Would you look at the poor slob?

Forced to humiliate himself in

some stupid outfit just
to make a few bucks

for the holiday season.

Yeah, why doesn't
he just wear a sign,

"Loser for hire?"

Hey, Peterson?

You're late again.

I'm not

covering for you this time.

No, no. I think you
have the wrong Peterson.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, when you
find the right one,

would you tell him not to
sweat in the hat so much?

Well...

guess I'm busted.

( tapping countertop)

Okay, I didn't mention anything
to you guys, 'cause I thought

that you guys just
might razz me a little bit

about being a Santa Claus

over at Nagle's.

That was you?

Mm.

That's what my kid meant

when she says that "Santa smells

like the place where
Mommy works."

WOODY: A-Are you
making the stuffing bone dry,

the way I love it?

Ooh. Well, can't you

freeze some and mail it to me?

Well, no, not the gravy.

That would be stupid.

My mother.

( Woody speaking indistinctly)

Oh, God.

Can you believe Rebecca?

As long as one customer
stays, we all stay.

It's 10:30.

The guy's been nursing the
same drink for over an hour.

Yeah, I wish he'd
hurry the hell up

so we could get out of here.

WOODY: Christmas tree's okay...

Presents are all wrapped. Mm.

All the kids are in bed.

And Eddie's waiting up for me

so that we could exchange

our goodies in private.

You don't wait until
Christmas morning

to open your presents?

Oh, yeah, but we like

to exchange our
goodies in private.

Hey, you know what?

Let's you, me and Woody
exchange presents right now,

and when he leaves,
we can leave. Come on.

Oh, good idea, yeah.

Ooh. Dad repainted the Wise Men?

Well, is Balthazar still black?

Hey, Woody, Woody, as
soon as you're finished,

we're gonna exchange presents.

Okay, Mom, got to go now.

Love you. Bye.

Here you go, Sam.

Here you go, Carla.

Oh, hey... Oh, no,
wait. That Miss Howe's.

You...

you got something for Rebecca?

Well, it's nothing special.

It's just an antique
silver frame

with a silhouette of her face
that I cut out in black velvet.

Wow.

Oh, I'm glad you like it,
'cause I got you the same thing.

Well, it's your face.

Yeah, I better give her
my present now, too.

You-you gave Rebecca
a present, too...?

You don't even like her.

What are you doing?

It's a Christmas tradition, Sam.

It's called kissing up.

Yeah, and besides, I'd
sure feel like a doofus

if I didn't get anything
for Miss Howe,

and she got all those
wonderful presents for us.

Oh, man!

I didn't get her anything.

Oh, well, don't feel
bad, Sam. I mean,

just because everybody
else got her something.

The pretzel salesman, the beer

distributor, the
relief bartender...

That guy she fired after
one day. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, wait a minute, though.

All those guys are just
trying to get her in the sack.

I got some shopping to do.

All right, Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah.

Now get lost.

I can't.

Why not?

I'm expecting friends.

Oh, yeah, right.

Merry Christmas,
Al. Merry Christmas.

MAN: Well, hello, hi!

Merry Christmas, Al.

Merry Christmas, Al.

Hello. How are you?

( loud chatter)

Buon Natale.

Feliz Navidad.

Joyeux Noel.

Merry Christmas and shalom.

Ditto. Now go home.

And take ten of these
deadbeats with you.

Oh, would that I
could, Carla, but

Lady Bountiful here insists

on doling out
these obligatory gifts

so that people will pretend
they like us in the New Year.

My little Scrooge.

If he doesn't cheer up,

Santa's going to give
him a lump of coal

and make him sleep on the couch.

Merry, merry. Thanks.

Happy, happy. All right.

Where's Sam? I've got

a little something for him.

Oh, he went to buy
a gift for Miss Howe.

Oh, too bad he
didn't wait around.

He could have
just given her this.

I don't think so.

That's mentholated
preshave for tough beards.

Oh.

Just as well.

That's what I got her.

He did it again, damn it!

The third year in a row,

Walt Twitchell has cheated
me out of my rightful place

in the Magic Kingdom.

And he did it by one
lousy dented can of Spam.

You know, Clavin,

I know you're dying
to go to a place

where no one looks twice

at funny costumes
and big floppy ears,

but I think you
missed the point here.

A lot of food got
to needy people.

Isn't that what it's all about?

Well...

I guess you're right, Carla.

WOODY: Oh,

Mr. Clavin, I'm
glad you're here.

I got something for you.

Ah, thanks, Woody, but, uh...

Wait a minute.

Chow mein and leechy nuts?

Woodrow, think very carefully.

Were these in the bar
before 4:00 p.m. today?

Yeah, they were here.

I just forgot to
put 'em in the box.

Oh, that makes one
more can than Twitchell.

I win. ( laughs)

Deck the halls
with suntan lotion.

Disney World, here I come!

( laughs)

Well, I guess it's
true what they say.

Charity begins in Orlando.

( grunts) Oh!

You... Yoo-hoo!

Hey, wait, no!

I see you in there!

Hey, come on. Please, no.

Please, open. Oh, please!

( groans)

Hey, please open up.

Excuse...

Oh, great, listen.

Uh, is there any, uh,

store open around
here this time of night?

Oh, geez.

( groans)

( door bell jangling)

Oh, oh, bless you, sir.

Thank you, thank
you for being open.

Sorry, we're closed.

Oh...

Oh!

Merry Christmas.

( grunts)

( groans)

WOMAN: Are you all right?

No.

No, I'm trying to get
a gift for my boss.

Everything's closed, I'm
cold, it's wet and I'm miserable.

Well, I've got plenty
of presents here.

Maybe you could
use one of these?

Well... you must be an angel.

You don't have wings
under there, do you?

Mm-hmm.

What?

I'm a stewardess.

Oh... oh... oh, God.

Oh, bless your heart. Hey!

Well, let's... Whoo!

Let's see what I've got.

Oh, thank you.

Okay. Oh, well.

What's this, uh,

this one right here?

Oh, those are ear muffs.

But you don't want those,

they're too
impersonal and boring.

No, they'd be perfect for her.

Your boss is a her?

Yeah, well... rumor
has it. ( chuckles)

Oh, well, I've got

some things that I bought
for myself she might like.

No, no, the ear
muffs are perfect.

Let me just write
you out a check here.

Oh, how 'bout a nice silk teddy?

Mm, I love to lounge
around in my house with this.

Oh, yeah? Mm. Mm-hmm.

Uh... what-what else did
you buy for yourself in there?

A black lace garter belt.

Ooh.

Trust me, you can never
have too many of these.

Ah... Mm-hmm.

Let's see, we
have... baby dolls...

( chuckles) and
a short kimono...

( chuckling): Merry
Christmas, Sammy.

And a satin camisole...

Mmm!

Evening, everybody.

ALL: Norm!

Santa, what can I get you?

Finally, someone wants
to get me something.

I am so happy this
holiday season is over with.

The whining, the crying,

the screaming, the
temper tantrums...

Okay, I wasn't your
traditional Santa Claus.

NORM: Come on in.

Right over there.

I'll get you some beers.

I'll be right with you.

What's with all the
bowls full of jelly?

Just having a little
get-together after work.

Kind of a class
reunion, you know?

Wow, you guys all
went to the same school?

Santa school.

It covered all the basics...
The hair, the makeup,

how to talk the kids into
asking for the big-ticket items.

( grunting): Okay.

Whoa, look who's here, huh?

Oh, no, what if a
little kid walks in here?

Sweetheart, it's almost
midnight Christmas Eve.

What a time to find out.

Why don't you, uh...
yeah, grab a seat right here

and I'll go get us something
hot for our toddies, huh?

Thanks, Sam. All right.

( chuckling)

Hey, Carla... ( clears throat)

I got a present for Rebecca.

See you picked up a little
package for yourself, too.

Hey, you, know...

Why not? I've been a good boy

and it's just what I asked for.

Sam. Yeah?

Please accept this Merry
Christmas from Frasier and me.

Oh, hey, wow, that's
great. Thank you very much.

Listen, I got you
something, too.

Um, I left it over in my,
uh, other, uh, apartment.

Can, I, uh, can I

get it for you next week?

Of course, whenever
you'd like, Sam.

Or whenever you
get a chance to buy it.

Ignore him, Sam, he
has a bug up his chimney.

Oh...

Merry Christmas.

SAM: Merry Christmas.

Yeah, uh, let me
have the ear muffs.

That's the, uh... my
boss lady over there.

Woody, Carla, Sam.

These are just little
tokens of appreciation

from me to you.

Oh, my... you got us presents?

Oh, wow!

REBECCA: You know,
there were so many choices,

but I think I done good.

A coffee mug with
the corporate logo.

A night shirt... with
the corporate logo.

SAM: Yeah, well...

Thanks. Thanks. That's great.

You're welcome.

Oh, and know that I don't
expect anything in return.

Oh, um, we got
you gifts. Oh, uh...

SAM: Yeah... Yay!

Here, why don't you, uh,

open mine first there?

"To Rebecca from Sam."

Oh, you shouldn't
have gone to the trouble.

Oh, just a little something
to keep your ears warm.

( gasps)

My God.

Diamond earrings.

I don't believe this!

I don't either. ( mutters)

I thought I was a kiss up,

but Sammy wins the
pucker sweepstakes.

Hey, if he got her diamonds,
I wonder what he got us.

Yeah.

Oh, big whoop... a wallet.

Thanks for the soap, Sam.

Ooh, and it's pink, too.

Uh, listen, I'm sorry
about the mix up here,

but my boss seems to really
love the diamond earrings.

Can I buy them from you maybe?

Well, they were for my
mother. They cost $500.

$500?

Um, I'll be right back. Rebecca?

Sam, uh...

I don't know what to say.

I'm really overwhelmed
by your generous gift,

but I think it's inappropriate.

You mean... you're...
you're giving it back?

You don't... you
don't want to keep it?

I think I should.

Oh, well...

if that's the way
you feel, but I...

I want you to know
that I wouldn't have

bought these for you unless
I wanted you to have them.

Well, they are pretty.

Thank you.

Is that "thank you" you're
giving them back to me,

or "thank you" you're
going to keep them?

I'm afraid that
I've misjudged you.

You're very sweet.

Aw.

Would you like to come over

to my house tonight
for a late supper?

Well, that sounds very inviting.

And I'll wear my new earrings.

( to himself): And
very little else.

Uh, damn! Oh!

That witch is gonna
make me work tonight.

Yeah, and after I gave
her the earrings, too.

I just can't believe it.

Oh, I guess that means

there's no lingerie
fashion show, then?

Well, maybe we could
do it some other time.

What do you think?

Well, I don't know.

It just seemed like
such a Christmasy thing

to do. Yeah.

Oh, well.

Just write me a check for
the earrings and I'll be going.

All right, and that was

500... and she better
be fantastic... dollars.

And there we go.

All right, uh, well,
thank you very much.

You sure, uh, you sure
you're not upset about this?

No, I'm just going to go
over to my mom's house.

She's probably still up
getting everything ready

for tomorrow. Yeah.

You know, baking the bread

and icing the cookies
and stuffing the turkey.

SAM: Yeah. Stuffing?

Oh, yeah, my mom
makes it from scratch.

Gee, so does mine.

Yeah, but does your
mom make it bone dry?

You could gag on it.

Hey, don't tell me.

Do you have a manger scene

on your front lawn?

The biggest on our block.

Oh...

The Wise Men are my favorite.

Oh, I love Balthasar.

Oh, Balthasar's good,
but Melchior, he's the best.

( chuckles): Okay, well...

Listen, I'd introduce you two,

but something tells me you've
known each other for years.

You driving, Carl?

No way, B.J.

I'm over my limit.

Don't ask me.

I'm gonna sleep where I fall.

Yeah...

Doesn't that just epitomize

the spirit of
Christmas in the '80s?

NORM: Merry Christmas.

FRASIER: A gaggle of
pie-eyed Santa Clauses...

You have a good
night. Take it easy.

All trying to find a
designated driver

to take the sleigh ride home.

MAN: Well...

I hate to leave, but, uh...

I've got a busy night,

and a long haul ahead of me.

Night.

Anyone remember
that guy from class?

No. I don't, uh... Beats me.

I thought he was
a friend of yours.

No, no, no. Not a friend of
mine. No, he came over with you.

No, I could swear
that he came with...

Okay, wait, now wait.
Wait a second now.

You don't suppose...

( patrons chattering)

Did you hear that?

Nah... Suppose it
could be the wind,

but it sounded
like sleigh bells.

Oh, come on, guys.
I mean, seriously,

there must be some explanation.

Well...

Geez, do you...

do you think there
actually could be a...

Oh, my wife's gonna kill me.

I left the lights on in
the station wagon again.

Can one of you
guys give me a jump?

Eh...!

Lilith, that was a miracle.

Snowball, you've had
too much schnapps.

No, no, I'm stone sober. It's...

I mean, I know that's just some
fat old guy with car trouble, but...

for half a second there, I
actually believed in Christmas.

And th-that hasn't
happened to me since I was...

born.

Come on, let's, uh,

let's sing some Christmas carols

and roast some chestnuts
and all that treacle...

FRASIER AND PATRONS: ♪
Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fah-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fah-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪

You know, Sammy,

I don't want to be
ungrateful or anything,

but this soap sucks
wind. ( chuckles)

You bought Miss
Humbug diamond earrings.

Oh, come on now. There
was a reason for that, though.

She has invited me over for
an intimate late-night supper.

( chuckles) Yeah, you, me

and half the people in this bar.

♪ Fah-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪

Don't kid around with me now.

I'm in far too
fragile a condition.

You mean you thought
you were gonna be the only...

( laughing)

You know, I wasn't too
thrilled about the soap,

but this makes up for it.

♪ Fah-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪

Hey, look... It's a
Wonderful Life is on again

and it's the very best part.

Turn it up, Sam.

♪ Should old acquaintance
be forgot and never... ♪

Well, I'm glad I can
finally say this to you

without having
my head bitten off.

Merry Christmas, Frasier.

It is, isn't it?

We have everything that matters,

we're together, our loved
ones are safe and happy...

NEWSCASTER: This
just in to our news room.

Boston Airport has
been temporarily closed

due to the presence of a
berserk man on Runway Six

chasing an Orlando-bound plane

and throwing what appears
to be cans of Chinese food.

Stay tuned for further details.

♪ ...lang syne... ♪

Oh, Cliffy, Cliff, Cliff...

( singing along with TV) ♪
We'll drink a cup of kindness yet ♪

♪ For auld lang syne. ♪

WOODY: God bless us, every one.