Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 19 - Dark Imaginings - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

But it was your fault
we lost that contest.

It was not my fault.

Ok, ok. We'll find
out whose fault it was.

Heart of my heart, from the top.

All right. Sing it.

♪ Heart of my heart ♪

♪ I love that melody ♪

♪ love that melody ♪

♪ heart of my heart
brings back... ♪

That's it right there.
That's the note



that cost us the championship.

Yeah? Well, that remark
just cost you a bass.

Hey, wait a minute, Jim.

Now we got to find another bass.

Three beers.

You know, I love
barbershop quartets.

Do you mind if I
make a little request?

Not at all.

Could you give me a little
trim around the ears later?

Excuse me, fellas.

I couldn't help overhearing
what happened.

It's always been a
lifelong dream of mine

to sing in a barbershop quartet.

I wonder if you
might give me a try?



Why not?

Goodnight ladies ok?

Yeah. Goodnight
ladies. All right, all right.

♪ Goodnight ladies ♪

♪ goodnight ladies ♪

♪ goodnight ladies ♪

♪ we're going to leave you now ♪

That was fantastic!

Hey! We've got
ourselves a new bass.

You know, I'm
really flattered, fellas,

but I don't think so.

But you just said it
was your lifelong dream

to sing in a barbershop quartet.

Well, it was, and
now I've done it.

Thanks for the memories.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ the farmer in the Dell,
the farmer in the Dell ♪

hey, everybody. Howdy doody.

Guess what I got in the bag.

What's left of your mind?

Ha ha ha! Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce

a turnip that needs
no introduction...

Miss June Lockhart.

Yeah, look here.

You put a little make-up on her,

shampoo and set her root hairs,

and finish her off

with a delicate
strand of pearls...

Is it me, or is this
getting a little weird?

You passed weird six months ago.

Now you're boldly going

where no man has gone before.

Boy. I guess it's true
what they say, huh?

There's a fine line

between gardening and madness.

Cliff, old man, uh...

Maybe a little vacation
would do you some good.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I've got to get
back to my office.

Hey, dos, listen. Do you
mind if I tag along with you,

just for the stroll...

A little informal
chat on the way?

You bet, cliff. I'd
enjoy the company.

Yeah. Listen, I'm
a very private man,

I'd better warn
you at the outset.

I just don't bare my
soul at the drop of a hat.

Oh, I understand.

I was breast-fed a lot
longer than most youngsters.

I mean, babies.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Sam. I thought you
weren't coming in till 5:00.

I had to pick up some stuff.

We're going to play
some racquetball.

Oh, Bonnie, Woody.
Woody, Bonnie.

Hi. Hi.

So, where have you guys been?

We spent the afternoon
at Bonnie's apartment

listening to the latest album

of John cougar
mellen... Something.

Mellencamp. Yeah, he's great.

Yeah, you're telling me.

So, what rock groups
do you like, Bonnie?

Let's see. I like the
Thompson twins,

tears for fears, U2.

Oh, I love U2.

Yeah. We look great
together, don't we?

I'll be right back.

I'm going to get my equipment.

Pretty girl, Sam.

Yeah. Thank you.

Be careful she doesn't
lose a baby tooth

giving you a hickey.

What's that crack
supposed to mean?

Is she... She young
or something?

Well, you must admit

there's a bit of a gap
between your ages.

Oh, yeah?

She's a very
sophisticated woman,

and she's traveled extensively.

She's been to Hawaii.

Oh.

I envy Sammy his
carefree lifestyle.

Yeah.

Night after night,
he dates pretty girls

while I sit here and wrestle
with the world's problems.

You do not.

What do you mean?
Last night, I let out

that moan at the
thought of nuclear war.

It wasn't because
of nuclear war.

It's because we
ran out of beer nuts.

It was a combination of the two.

You all set?

Oh, yeah.

You know, Sam,
Woody is a really rad guy.

Well, you know my motto...

"hire the rad."

Oh, wait a second. Here.

Let me get some
money. I'll be right back.

Hey, have a good game.

Thanks, Woody. I'll
see you Saturday?

Saturday? What's
happening Saturday?

Saturday, Woody and I
are going to play racquetball.

I didn't know you
played racquetball.

Yeah, I play a little.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Well, I didn't think the
two of us should play.

Why not?

Oh, come on, man!

Just because I'm a
professional athlete?

No, it wasn't that.

It was more because
you're a little...

I mean, you're a few years...

Yeah. It's because you're
a professional athlete.

No, it wasn't it's because

you think I was old, maybe.

Oh, no, no, not old, Sam.

Just old... Er.

You want to take me on,

you little... Guy, you?

Sure. I'd like that.

All right. Carla, you
want to tend the bar here?

Got it.

Sam, has it occurred to you

that you challenged
Woody to a contest

because he threatens

your relationship with Bonnie?

No. But has this
occurred to you...

Leave me alone.

You all set, man?

I sure am.

Great. Great.

Oh, hey... is that
somebody famous?

Oh. I guess not.

I'm sorry. My mistake.

Ok. We're off here, huh?

You're not too tired to work
the bar, now, are you, Woody?

I can take over, you know.

No, no, I'm fine.

Ha ha... Oh...

Sam, are you limping?

I don't know. Let
me take a look here.

Oh, by golly! Look at that.
Must be these new shoes.

Who won?

Sam did.

You should have seen
him out there. He was great.

I especially liked that
last shot you made

diving across the court,

and that little
scream you let out.

That's my victory scream.

I always do that when I win.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Why?

Your upper lip is
sweating profusely.

I just played racquetball.

People sweat when they do that.

On their lips?

Didn't you take a
shower afterwards?

Of course is did. Maybe
I just forgot to dry my lip.

Does Sam's behavior
give you pause?

Methinks the man
does protest too much.

Excuse me, miss chambers,

but shouldn't it be "I thinks"?

Not in your case, Woody.

Carla: What's
with the skis, Sam?

All this physical activity has
put me in a physical mood.

I feel like doing
something else physical.

I think I'm going to
go skiing for a while.

If you need help behind
the bar, Woody, call Bob.

Sam, this is all rather sudden.

Where are you going?
How long will you be gone?

Sugarloaf, Maine.

If the snow's cold and the
women hot, I'll be gone forever.

See you, guys. Bye-bye.

What a guy!

We just get through playing
a hard game of racquetball,

and he's still raring to go.

You just never know
what he's going to do next.

Like now, for example.

Are you absolutely sure?

Thank you.

Oh, dear me. My worst
fears are confirmed.

There's been a peroxide embargo?

This is no time for levity.

I've just called every
hotel in sugarloaf,

and there's no Sam
Malone registered anywhere.

Probably staying under
an assumed name.

No. I checked all the assumed
names he usually uses.

There's no Lance manion.

Nor is there a honeyboy Wilson.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, doc. I really
got to hand it to you

for that job you did on cliffie.

He's really been
in good spirits lately

and rarely discusses vegetables.

It seems our little
impromptu session

has been quite beneficial.

For my part, I hope to
get an article published

in either psychology today
or the burpee seed catalog.

No, no. Seriously, it's
always very gratifying

to help another human being.

Oh, hey, Sigmund fraud.

Are you addressing me, cliff?

This bill is outrageous...

750 bucks here
for a friendly chat.

I've had several of ma's organs
taken out for less than that.

Cliff, it was not a little chat.

It was 7 hours of
intensive psychotherapy,

which, I flatter myself
to say, has done you

a world of good!

Oh, yeah? You think so?

I don't think so, and
neither does Meryl Streep!

You ladies ready for a check?

Yes, yes. Thank you.

Anyway, I've been at
Boston mercy for five years,

and I have never had a
more relentless patient

than I had today.

Even though he
was in constant pain,

he never stopped
coming on to me.

Oh, my god, it's Sam.

Are you all right?

The patient you're
talking about,

is it, by any chance,
Sam Malone?

No.

Thank god.

His name is Lance manion.

Ah. Yeah. Thank you.

Certainly. Is there
anything else I can get?

Yeah... naked. Ha ha!

Actually, I don't think
I could handle it today.

Whoo! Boy. These
hernias always hurt so bad?

Aw, just for a few days.

Well, if you need
anything else, just ring.

Mm. Thank you.

Oh, god.

Sam?

What? Hey! Boy,
what a coincidence.

I just donated a pint of blood.

The volunteer will be back.

Just have a seat here.

And, hey, bless your
heart for giving, really.

I know why you're here.

As luck would have it,

a couple of nurses
stopped by the bar.

They had your
fingerprints all over them.

I see.

In that case, you don't
mind if I sit down, do you?

From this angle,
it's preferable.

Sam...

I know what this is all about.

Dating young girls,

nearly killing yourself
to beat Woody,

not telling us you
were in the hospital.

I didn't tell you I
was in the hospital

because I got a hernia,

and it's an old man's problem,

and I didn't want the guys
to make fun of me, that's all.

First of all,

people of all ages get hernias.

Second of all,

getting older is the most
natural thing in the world.

There's nothing to fear.

Accept it.

I will not accept it!

The day you start
accepting getting old

is the day you get old.

All right, Sam.
Have it your way.

But I think you'd be
much happier and content

if instead of fighting
the advancing years,

you embrace them joyfully.

[Knock on door]

Hi. How you doing today?

Great, as a matter
of fact. Great.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Diane?

Oh, yeah...

Diane chambers?

Yes, that's right.

Don't you remember me?

Steve mcdonough.

You tutored me for a while

when I was in junior high.

Stevie mcdonough?

Little Stevie...

Little Dr. Stevie...

Big... little doctor... stevie.

Yeah. Yes, yeah.

It's very nice to see you again.

I'm sorry. I have to run.

I'll check in with you later.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

I'm old and alone in Boston.

Sammy's back!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

[Cheering]

Sam, what are you
doing back here?

You should be in for
at least another week.

Dr. Stevie said so.

I got me a second
opinion... my own.

I'm as healthy as an ox.

Good to have you
back, Sammy, my man!

Sammy! Can't keep a
good man down, huh?

It's good to be back.

Don't encourage him.
He's rushing things.

Good to have you back, Sammy.

Carla, could you
cover the bar a second?

I'm just going to grab
a case of bass ale.

Hey, hold on there,
young fella. I'll get that.

Don't be stupid, Sam.
You just had an operation.

Hey! The day that I can't
pick up a case of beer

is the day that
I sell this place.

Sam, what are
you trying to prove?

I'm not trying to
prove anything.

I'm just trying
to run a bar here.

Cliff: Ho! Hey, hey!

Not too shabby, huh?

Nice going, Sammy.

Sam?

Mm-hmm?

Do you want to go
back to the hospital?

Very badly.

I can do it. I can do it.

Welcome back, Valentino.

Hey, that's the
first time you didn't

accidentally check
the starch in my whites.

Oh. Yeah. About that...
I'm sorry if I got fresh.

Don't apologize. We
nurses didn't cut the ties

off the back of your
gown for nothing.

Company's coming.

[Sobbing]

I'm sorry, Sam. I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to do that.

I know you didn't.
That's all right. It's ok.

He's been like this
ever since you left, Sam.

Sam, I've come to donate
an organ or something.

Woody. Woody, I have a hernia.

Well, if you need
another one, take mine.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

Hey, thanks for coming down.

I really appreciate that.

You're depressing
the hell out of me.

It may be better
if you took off.

You got it, Sam.

I'll see you.

All right. Bye-bye.

Here you go, Sam. I
want you to have that.

It's kind of a family heirloom.

What is it?

A truss.

It came over with my
grandfather from the old country.

Actually, it came over
on my grandfather.

Yeah.

Ah. Well...

Gee, that's nice. Thank you.

It's a joke!

You don't need this
thing. You're Sammy!

Sammy don't wear no truss.

Oh. That's... That's very funny.

Well, don't pop your
stitches laughing.

I'm sorry.

It's just this
stupid hernia thing

is getting me feeling my age.

What are you talking about?

Would you stop that!

Sam Malone never ages.

It's one of life's great truths.

Let me tell you
something, Sammy.

When you're 87,

you'll still be a hunk to me.

Course, I'll be
senile and blind.

And pregnant.

Yeah, probably.

I'll look you up.

You better.

Ah! Fun's over.

See you around, Sam.

Thank you, Carla.

Hi, Carla.

You see, there are
other parts to a hospital

besides the maternity ward.

Bite it.

Hi, Sam.

How are you?

I don't even know
why you bother asking.

You know how I am. I'm old.

Sam, please.

No, you were right.

I tried denying it,
but there's no use.

All I got to look forward to

is slowing down, wearing out,

and breaking the occasional hip.

Oh, Sam! I can't stand

to hear you talk like that.

You were right. I was wrong.

You can't just lie back
and accept getting old.

You have to live
each day to the fullest.

Oh, yeah... I don't know. Pff...

No, really. I mean it.

Besides, you men
get better-looking

the older that you get.

Look at this guy.

Huh?

He's strong,

vital,

sexy.

Isn't he something?

You really think I'm
better-looking now?

You're much more attractive man

than when I first met
you... much more.

And there's no telling
what you may yet achieve.

I went to the library today.

And I found a book that
contains a list of people

who made contributions
well into their latter years.

Listen to this.

"Leo Tolstoy.

"Albert schweitzer,

"grandma Moses.

"Bertrand Russell.

Picasso, goethe."

Oh, now, he's my favorite.

Yeah. Mine, too. Mine, too.

He...

What are you doing?

I just thought I'd make the room

look a little more romantic.

You keep reading.
You go right ahead.

Oh, Sam, this is wonderful.

An old person
wouldn't be doing this.

This is the act

of a vital, strong, young man...

Who wants a woman.

Who wants sex.

Who won't get it.

But this is a
very positive sign.

Aw, hey, come on.

This is the chance
of a lifetime...

To play doctor
in a real hospital.

Come on.

It's tempting, it's
tempting, but I think not.

I'm going to go
now and let you rest.

Yeah. Hey, listen.

I don't want you to make
too big a deal out of this,

but thank you very
much for coming.

Your visit helped a lot today.

Well, if we can't reach out

in our moment of
need, if we can't

span the gap that
separates each human,

if we can't allow...

Sweetheart, that's what I meant

by making too
big a deal out of it.

Ok.

Bye, Sam.

Bye-bye.

Oh.

Hi.

Howdy.

Hi.

Thanks. I can handle it.

I'm Jack Turner,
your new roomie.

Ah. Sam Malone. How you doing?

Great. Hey, Sam Malone...

You're the baseball
player, aren't you?

Yeah. Yeah, that's me.

So, what are you in for?

Hernia.

Ha ha ha! No kidding.

I had one of those a
couple of years ago.

Huh?

Didn't slow me down a bit.

Is that right? Really?

You and I are about
the same age, aren't we?

Yeah, sure.

Ah. Hey. Well, what
are you back here for?

Ah. Bone spur.

Ooh, ow.

Yeah.

Sam Malone.

I remember seeing
you out at Fenway.

Yeah. Well, it looks like

you've taken pretty
good care of yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. I work at it.

You're not looking too
shabby there yourself.

I can do more pushups
now than when I was 20.

Me, too. You know?
Me, too. Really.

As a matter of fact,

I haven't felt better
in my entire life.

They say a man reaches
his sexual peak at 18.

Bet some 18-year-old
said that, huh?

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Come here. The nurses
cut the ties on my gown here.

Get out of here!

I'm not kidding! Ha ha ha!

Hey, here's my gal now.

Hey, Judy. Judy, I want
you to meet Sam Malone.

Isn't she something, Sam?

Sure is. Listen, if you
ever want to dump him,

you can make a house
call on Sammy here

anytime you want.

Sam, this is my
daughter you're talking to.

Your daughter? Really?

Yeah.

Oh... God, I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Come on. Let's take
a look around, huh?

Nice to meet you, sir.