Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 18 - The Peterson Principle - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Uh... mrs. Tortelli?

Oh! You must be vito ragazoni.

That's right.

The young man who wants

to take out my
little Anne Marie.

Yes, ma'am.

Soda, Sam!

Thanks for coming by, vito.

Anne Marie told
me that you wanted

to take her to the
movies, and I just wanted



to meet you, get to
know you a little bit.

Ok.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Well...

You certainly are a
fine-looking young gentleman.

No doubt about that.

Thank you, ma'am.

What movie are you
taking Anne Marie to see?

101 dalmatians.

Oh! That a Walt
Disney, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

One of my
favorites, as I recall.

It is not only entertaining...



Turn to the left, please.

It has a nice message.

Now to the right.

Thank you.

Mrs. Tortelli, I'm
getting the feeling

that you don't
trust me too much.

Oh, gee, vito, I... I'm sorry.

I guess I'm being a
little overprotective.

You know, it's my
little baby's first date.

But now that I see you,

I see you're a fine
upstanding gentleman,

so, here, tell you what.

Go on. Get out of here.

Have some popcorn on
me. Have a good time.

Thanks, Mrs. Tortelli.

Sam?

Keep it in a safe place

till the boys from
the lab get here.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

A hearty hi-ho, everyone.

Hey, frasier. What's
with the bird there?

Oh, you like him? I was doing
some spring cleaning the other day,

and I came across
old Plato here.

He was my father's pet.

Couldn't bear to part with him,

not even in death,
so he had him stuffed.

He's really got a lot of
sentimental value for me.

He's an excellent
example of taxidermy.

Quite valuable, I'm sure,

and I'd like you to have him.

Oh, uh...

Frasier, I don't think so.

Well, then toss it. Uh-huh.

Oh, and, Diane,

I came across these
slides of our trip to Europe.

I didn't want to throw them
away and didn't want them.

I thought perhaps
you'd like them.

Oh. That's very
thoughtful, frasier.

I'd love to look at them.

Well, hey, I got a projector

and a screen in
the back room there.

You said that
projector was broken

when I wanted to show
my slides of Colombian art.

Well, yes, it is broken

when you want to show
your slides of Colombian art.

I don't see any reason why we
should show these slides here.

Why not? Think those
slides might benefit everyone.

It's a chance to see Europe's
cultural and artistic highlights

with an informed commentary
by people who have been there.

Anyone who wants to see slides
of Diane's and my trip to Europe,

raise your hands.

You could make disgusting
noises and shadow animals.

Fine. I'll set it up.

Say, cliff.

Yeah, doc?

Slides of the European trip.

Pool room, 5 minutes. Be there.

Hey, hey! Yeah,
great. Wouldn't miss it.

There's a major yawn.

Afternoon, everybody.

Hi, norm! Norm!

Norman.

Hey, what's happening, norm?

It's a dog-eat-dog world,

and I'm wearing
milk bone underwear.

Vera has been phoning
every 15 minutes here.

So what's this for?

I told her that you'd call
the second you got in.

Well, you lied.

All right.

Norman, maybe it's an emergency.

No. I know why she's calling.

You know the account
manager job I'm up for?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

It's between me and
this one other guy,

and today's the day they're
supposed to make the decision.

Cliff: Ooh! Pins and
needles time, eh?

Yeah. Vera's really a mess.

She's always had kind of

a low threshold for excitement.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You wouldn't believe
the tizzy she went into

the day she cracked
open a double-yolked egg.

I made the mistake
of telling Vera that

if I get the promotion, we
could buy a new house.

It's always been a dream
of hers to have a house

with a bathroom so
big, if you fall down,

you won't hit your
head on anything.

That's smart, that's smart.

It's a little-known fact...
42% of all deaths in america

are caused by
accidents in the home.

So were you.

Anyway, these
guys, they're really

giving us the full
treatment, you know?

Yesterday the executive wives

invited Vera to a luncheon
at a fancy French restaurant.

Hey, hey, huh?

The experience
really changed her.

She now refers to the velveeta

as fromage, thank you.

Well, you must be getting

pretty excited
about this yourself.

Not really.

Come on, man. Come on!

All right, all right,
all right. I'm psyched.

All right.

Norman, if
diligence, dedication,

and the old-fashioned
puritan work ethic

have anything to
do with it, I'm sure...

Good luck, Norman.

It's time I stopped
avoiding the success

that's been nipping at
my heels all these years.

My whole life stands before me.

I'm poised here on the
brink of destiny, guys.

Look out, world.
Get off my runway!

Ho! Look out!

Hey, is everybody
ready for the slide show?

Yeah, what the hell. I
got nothing better to do.

All right, everybody.
Just filter on in here.

There's plenty of
seats for everybody.

Yeah. Come along
now. Come along.

Now, if everybody's
passports are in order,

we begin our sojourn
in merry old england.

Ah! Yes. Here's Diane
at the tower of London.

Where's the tower?

It's right there.

She's standing in front of it.

Oh.

And here she is at the
changing of the guard.

Where are the guards?

Well, if you look very
closely, you can see them

in the reflection
of her sunglasses...

Which hide her eyes,

which hide her emotions.

And here she is
in front of big Ben.

That wall looks just
like the other wall.

Ah, but imagine that
at the top of this wall,

there's a clock.

Did you actually
ever take pictures

where you could see
the things themselves?

Well, I'm sure I must have.

[Click]

[Click]

[Click]

Ah! Ah!

Scenery, at last.

This is Diane
boating on the seine.

Oh, yeah. Hmm.

You know, think that was

my last carefree
day on the continent.

But I digress.

Ah, yeah. Here she is,
pretending to enjoy herself

in front of notre dame.

I was enjoying myself.

Of course you were.

I didn't mean to
imply anything else.

And on to sunny Italy.

Boy, she doesn't look
happy there, does she?

No. Uh-uh.

How could she?

She was too preoccupied
with thoughts of desertion.

Frasier.

I'm sorry. Ignore that.

Ah, yes.

Beautiful Florence!

She looks just like
miss chambers.

It is Diane, Woody.

Oh.

I think this is the
night I proposed to her.

Yes. You see?
She's laughing at me.

I am not laughing at you!

I'm smiling for the camera.

Of course you were.

You're about to
rip out my heart.

Yes! Yes. Here she is

plotting her betrayal in
front of the ponte vecchio.

How appropriate in the
country of lucrezia borgia!

Frasier, you're incorrigible.

Oh, Diane! Wait.

No, hey, let her...

Well, that was a thrill
a minute, huh, norm?

I'd say your Florida slides
were better than that, cliffie.

Well, I got them in
the trunk of my car.

That's good place for them.

I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

I thought I was getting better.

Frasier, sit down.

You keep saying
you're getting better,

but I haven't seen
any evidence of it.

Now, hard as it may be,

you've got to stop being
preoccupied with me.

Get a hold of yourself!

Enough said. You don't have to

hit frasier crane over the head.

Unless, of course,
you'd like to.

Where is your sense of humor?

Frasier. Hey.

Come here. Listen, it's been

a long time since I went
out and raised a little hell.

What do you say you
and I go out and get crazy?

You know, a couple of guys

giving the women of
Boston their best shot.

This is a pity offer, isn't it?

Basically.

Ok.

Might be just what
the doctor ordered...

You know, rattle
my cage a little.

That's the ticket.

I got a few things
to do for a while,

so why don't you just sit down
here and be a good little boy,

and Sammy claus will take you
out later and get your tree trimmed.

Hey, norm?

Jeff! What are you doing here?

I just wanted to have a quick beer
with the new accounts manager.

Did I get the job?

I haven't heard
anything definite,

but if I had an extra dollar to
wager, I'd bet it on norm Peterson.

Since I don't, could
you buy me a beer?

All right. Woody, two beers.

Come on, come on.

I just wanted to come down
and wish you good luck.

There's a lot of scuttlebutt
around the water cooler

that you and Morrison
are neck and neck,

but there's a lot of us down in the
trenches who are pulling for you.

Thanks. Means a lot,
coming from your peers.

I just hope that when you're
up there in the executive suite

and I'm down in steerage,
we can still be friends.

Of course.

Were we before?

Ha ha ha! Were we before?

Oh, god! That's great!

Ah! It's going to
be so great to have

somebody up there
with a sense of humor

that's terrific. And by the way,

that was a brilliant job
on the stallings audit.

I mean, who else would have
figured out how to write off

Mrs. Stalling's breast reduction

as a depreciation.

Yeah. You know,
I hear that stallings

will be eligible for
parole in our lifetime.

Does anyone have more
fun than bookkeepers?

Face it, norm,
you deserve to win.

You're more experienced,
you're a nicer guy,

and you've got some
professional ethics, unlike Morrison.

What are you talking about?

Are you kidding? You don't know

about Morrison
and the boss' wife?

They've been making
it every Tuesday night

for the past 5 months.

Jeffrey... I can't believe that.

No, I'm serious.

Once a week?

Well, I guess you're young,

you can handle
that kind of schedule.

I better shove off.

Mrs. Reinhardt?

Mrs. Reinhardt.

Hey, norm, would you
promise me one thing?

Yeah.

When you get the promotion

and it's time to
hire an assistant,

will you remember my name?

Sure. Yeah. What's
that last name?

You big lug, you!

That's Warren, with
two rs. W-a-r-r-e-n.

Well, uh, Woody, a
little champagne, please.

Sammy, some cigars
for all my friends, huh?

On the new accounts manager.

No kidding? Norm,
you got the job!

No, no, not yet,
but just learned

a little bit of information
about my competition

that should clinch it when
I accidentally let it slip.

All right, norm!

Hey, norm. Yeah.

Norm, I might have
spoken out of turn

about Morrison
and Mrs. Reinhardt.

You wouldn't let it go
any further, would you?

Jeffrey, I'm insulted, man.

So, as I was about to
say, Jeff here lets it slip

that my competition is making
the sheets sing with the boss' wife.

Whoa! That's pretty hot
information there, isn't it?

You're going to rat on him?

No. I'm going to sing moon river

outside their motel room.

I know you want
this job pretty bad.

You think that's the
way to go about it?

I have to agree, Norman.

This just isn't youtalking.

You're not the ruthless,
cutthroat, aggressive type.

I don't know where
you guys got the idea

that I'm just some
passive, easygoing lump.

Norm, if your buns
didn't fall asleep,

you'd never get
off the bar stool.

Well, they're wide
awake now, guys,

and I want this promotion.

I want it for Vera.
She deserves it.

Norman, think for a moment
what you're about to do.

This could even backfire on you.

You don't even know if
this terrible rumor is true!

Well... I have a pretty
good idea it might be.

Mrs. Reinhardt came on to
me at the Christmas party.

What did she say?

Move it. You're standing

in front of the cheese dip.

But she said it with
bedroom eyes, though.

I'm telling you,
this is a mistake.

All right. You
guys all think that

this is a bad idea for me
to use this information?

Of course we do.

Not everybody.

You know, norm, this
Morrison is an adulterer

and shouldn't be
allowed to prosper by it.

If we let this type of UN-American
activity go unchecked,

before you know it, our
leaders will be in chains,

our women will be
learning how to shot-put,

and all we vital American
males will be force-fed borscht,

along with generous
helpings of das kapital.

That's not those
fish eggs, is it?

No, but it smells as bad.

Well, then you tell them
Woody Boyd says nyet.

Atta boy, Woody.

Norman, a snitch is the
lowest thing on this earth.

You know it, little kids
know it, old ladies know it,

dirty rotten-toothed prisoners
in dark, wet cells know it.

Norman... if you
tell on this guy

and your friends
find out about it,

they are going
to hate your guts.

How are they going to know?

I'll squeal like a stuck pig.

Norm, come on.
You can't do this!

All right. You're
right, you're right.

Guys don't tell on other guys.

It's just not
right. I can't do it.

Hey, frasier, I'm
ready if you are.

Wonderful. Let's begin
our evening of revelry.

Listen, I want to get
one thing straight.

Tonight, I don't want to hear
one word about Diane chambers.

Ok? We'll get out
there and get your mind

on some more pleasant things.

Agreed. Where are we going?

I think the first thing we need

is some female companionship.

I know a couple
of the hot spots,

so why don't we
just mosey along?

Oh, let me... Let me tell you

how this evening's
going to go here.

We're going to probably walk
into some really nice little spot.

You're going to see a beautiful
woman across the room...

I mean, hot, sexy,

a woman you dream about.

All right? Now,
her friend is for you.

All right?

Good lord. That's my
boss... Mr. Reinhardt.

Oh. That's the poor sap, huh?

Cliffie, quick. Breath test.

What do you smell
when I do this?

Milwaukee.

Mr. Reinhardt.

Hi, sir. How you doing?

Coincidence that
you caught me in here.

I was just using the washroom.

At ease, Peterson. We know
you spend a lot of time here.

This is where we
send your checks.

That's very... that's good, sir.

Well, have a seat.

So to what do I
owe this pleasure?

Well, I wanted to come
and tell you in person.

It's not the easiest
thing I've ever had to say,

but you didn't get the job.

I appreciate you coming
here to tell me that, sir.

It was a toss-up between you
and Morrison right up to the end.

I have to tell you,

in virtually every way,
you match up perfectly.

You both exemplify
the high standards

we expect from our employees.

In fact, we can't
find a black Mark

against either one of you.

Your behavior and Morrison's,

in and out of the
office, is impeccable.

If there were just one thing,

one tiny thing, to tip
the scale in your favor,

I'd go to bat for you.

Sir, uh...

I think I ought to
tell you something.

Ahem. This is terribly personal

and could really
be painful for you.

Uh...

Probably going
to change your life

in every way, but...

Before I get into it, um...

Would you like a cheese doodle?

I have a craving for cheese...

Could I have some
cheese doodles, please?

No, Norman.

Yeah, yes, norm. Yes, yes.

No, no, no, no, no!

Yes. Do it.

Yes, yes! No, no, no!

Who are those people, Peterson,

and why doesn't one of them
want you to have a cheese doodle?

She's, uh... She's actually...

She trying to help me
watch my dairy intake, sir.

Well, what was the
terribly personal thing

you were going to tell me
that's going to change my life?

Oh, that. Uh...

It was, uh... It was nothing.

You had something
in between your teeth.

Do you have... No, no, no.

It... I guess, you
know, it's gone now.

That combination of
syllables in your last sentence

must have just
kicked it right out, sir.

I see. Well, I'd best be going.

Sir, there's something
you're not telling me here.

I mean, why
didn't I get this job?

Oh, I suppose I owe
you the truth, Peterson.

Yeah, you do.

It's your wife.

What does my wife
have to do with this?

She didn't fit in with the
other company wives.

That's... Vera's a wonderful
woman! What are you...

I'm sure, in her
own circles, she is.

But that lunch the
other wives took her

to yesterday was sort of a test.

A spouse has to
be able to mix easily

with other people
in the company.

That's just great.
Well, that's great.

Sir, tell you what. If my
wife isn't good enough

for this company, neither am I.

Oh, I'm sorry you feel
that way, Peterson,

but I understand, and I admire
you for your loyalty to her.

Now, wait a minute.
Morrison's wife is

somehow more
acceptable than mine?

As a matter of fact,
Morrison's never had a wife.

Ah. Well, I wouldn't be
too sure about that one, sir.

Good luck.

All right. Bye.

I'm so sorry, Norman.

Thanks. That was the easy part.

Now I have to break
the news to Vera.

What are you going to tell her?

The truth, I guess.

When she went to lunch with

the other wives, she
didn't pass muster.

Well, maybe she
couldn't reach it.

Oh!

Hi, Vera. Uh... Listen, honey,

no point beating
around the bush here.

I didn't get the promotion.

In fact, I just got
so mad at the guy,

I just went ahead and quit.

Yeah, yes, the did.
They gave me a reason.

They said...

That...

What they say was, I'm
not the right man for the job.

Just face it,
honey, I'm a loser.

I don't know why
you just don't go

and pack up your
bags and leave me.

Hello?

That's very funny.

That's cute.

Listen, sweetie,

I... there's something
I have to tell you.

Even on a terrible
day like today, there...

I feel I'm the luckiest
man in the world

because I married you.

I don't know. I've
had two, three, maybe.

Yeah, I'll talk to
you later. Yeah.

Norman?

Yeah?

That's one of the finest things

I've ever seen a man do.

Ehh... Yes!

Great. I'm unemployed.

Don't worry, Mr. Peterson.

Something else will come along.

No, no. I mean,
great, I'm unemployed!

Get me a beer here.