Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 14 - Suspicion - full transcript
A strange man has been in the bar all day and is giving everyone, especially Carla, the creeps. He just sits there, drinks coffee, scribbles some notes every once in a while, and watches the gang. Increasingly, they all get paranoid. Could he be a spy? Could he be a detective? Could he be a detective spying on one of them? Everyone thinks he is a detective but that he is spying on anyone else but him/herself. Finally Sam is about to confront the guy and throw him out of the bar, when Diane confesses that "Irving" is a friend and classmate of hers, in the bar to conduct an experiment for her on paranoia - introduce a foreign element into an established secure setting and see what happens. The gang don't take too kindly to Diane's experiment and imply that they will get even with her. It's a few days later and they haven't struck yet. Diane is jumpy, thinking the most innocent gestures are the act of revenge, which affects everyone around her negatively. Diane becomes not only paranoid herself, but ultimately humiliated and hurt, the latter emotion based on what she believes her payback is or more precisely is not. Only one thing can get Diane out of her misery.
Cliff: "Cheers" is filmed
before a live studio audience.
Woody, let me have a c.C. Rocks,
something with a twist,
and whatever else
table 10 was drinking.
Boy, your batteries are
running low there, Carla.
I got 2 sick kids kept
me up half the night,
the neighbor's
dog went into heat
5:00 this morning,
and I am in the middle
of a double shift here.
Well, on the bright
side, you look like hell.
Oh, dear. I think this
calls for drastic measures.
G-6. Yep.
Oh. Oh, no,
not g-6.
[Dance music playing]
♪ Well, my mind's gone
♪ and I ain't got no shoes
♪ my mind's gone
♪ I ain't got no shoes
♪ well, if I had it...
[Music dies]
And leave it off.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same
♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Good lord, Sam.
Have you been swimming laps
in that Cologne of yours?
No. I just dropped a bottle
all over the floor in there.
Another $2.50 down the drain.
Oh, the big bottle.
Hey, look, um,
"the 3 musketeers" is
coming on in 10 minutes.
All right.
Oh, good for you
two. Excellent choice.
Of course there's
no substitution
for the dumas pére novel,
but, all in all, it wasn't a
bad translation into film.
You better believe it.
I love all that dueling.
Yeah. And the best
part is when curly
backs into the guard's sword and
makes that "boing boing" sound.
What makes me think we're
not talking about the same film?
She'd probably like shemp.
Yeah, right.
Is it possible that
occasionally you people
might spend an
afternoon doing something
that actually involves
intelligent thought?
Like what?
I can't conceive.
And we can all breathe
a sigh of relief for that.
[Imitates sword bouncing]
[Imitates curly's laughter]
Actually, just observing
people can be very interesting.
Don't you ever
make up little stories
about the people
you see in the bar?
Nope.
Well, for example,
this couple over here.
What's their story?
It's a guy and a
girl having a drink.
Fascinating.
Come on. You can
do better than that.
Just use a little imagination.
Ok. That's a guy...
And a naked girl having a drink.
That's funny, right?
No kidding, fellas.
That was really nifty.
I appreciate you taking me.
Where did they take you, Woody?
Well, we watched the greater
Boston women's 10k run.
I should've known.
Ah, well, wait a minute.
Hold on there, Diane.
We happen to
think it's inspiring
to watch a bunch of
women excel in a sport
from which only until recently
they've been barred
from competing.
Well, I'm sorry, Clifford.
I guess I misjudged you.
Besides, there wasn't
a bra in the field, huh?
It was an awfully chilly morning
if you know what I mean.
Yeah.
More coffee for chuckles.
Who?
Guy over there.
Didn't you notice him?
He's been sitting there
for a couple of hours
drinking coffee
and staring at us.
So what's the problem?
I'll tell you what's
the problem.
He doesn't smile.
He doesn't talk.
He looks at me
like I'm not there.
You'd think I slept
with him or something.
So what? He's not
bothering anyone.
He's bothering me.
Gives me the creeps.
Look. See that? He's
writing something down.
Now, what do you
think he's up to?
Aw, come on. For all we know,
he's writing down
a shopping list.
Here's the perfect chance
for us to play our little game.
Well, what game is that?
Well, we were just fantasizing
about customers in the bar.
Making up little stories
about them. 2 beers, Woody.
Well, he's probably a
writer or a poet or something.
Oh, that's very good.
What do you think
he's writing, Woody?
Well, I hope he's not writing
about a boy and his dog
who roam through the countryside
doing good deeds
and drinking beer.
Why?
'Cause that's the
story I'm writing.
Still looking at us.
So what's the big deal
as long he's minding
his own business?
That's just it, Sam.
He's not minding
his own business.
It's like he's spying on us.
See that? He just wrote
something else down.
There's an easy way to
figure out what this guy's up to.
Somebody just go ask him.
Well, let me.
All right.
I'm from the mid-west,
and we have kind of
a down-home charm
that makes people
kind of open up to us.
[Clears throat] Howdy, I'm
Woody Boyd from Hanover, Indiana.
That's the place mat
capital of the world.
My mother's name is Margaret
and my father's name's edgil.
My favorite color's blue,
and I've saved
all my baby teeth.
How about you?
Go away.
What'd you find out?
I've lived kind of a dull life.
Look. What's he doing now?
I'd say he's fixing a
cigarette lighter of some sort.
Yeah. Yeah. Perhaps
to the terminally naive.
Those of us in the know
can spot a highly sensitive
roloflex espionage camera.
Ooh, look. He's taking
pictures of us right now.
Aw, come on, man.
Just because he looks like
a spy and acts like a spy,
it doesn't mean
he is a spy, does it?
I think it pretty
much does, Sam.
Well, it certainly isn't
unheard of for an individual
to come under some
sort of surveillance.
Soon as you get into a computer,
hundreds of organizations
have information about every
aspect of your personal life.
Wow. Really?
Yes.
In fact, you could
be bugged right now.
Well, now that you mention it,
I am a little ticked,
but I guess...
You don't suppose
this guy's with,
like, the CIA or FBI
or anything, do you?
Ah, could be...
Or maybe... all
right, I'll say it.
Maybe with the kgb.
Come to think of it,
this guys does kind of
have a detective look about him.
All right, let's go over the 4
things we know about him.
He's been here since we opened,
he's not drinking,
he's not waiting
for a table upstairs...
Actually that's only 3.
Anybody else know anything?
You're an idiot.
That would be 4, then.
You know, if he's a detective,
he's obviously after one of us.
If it was anyone else,
he would've followed him
right out the door already.
We're the only ones
who have been here
the whole time he has.
Look, I got an idea.
I'm gonna go call
him on the phone
and distract him.
Cliff, you go see what
he's been writing about us.
Don't get caught.
Uh, no. Don't worry about that.
Even if he does, he won't
get anything out of me.
Norm: You don't know anything.
[Telephone rings]
Cheers.
Yeah, uh, who
may I say is calling.
Oh.
Excuse me, sir.
Uh, phone for you.
Who is it?
They didn't say.
Take a number.
5.
Oh, they hung up.
Probably call back.
Come on, man.
Didn't even take a phone call.
This is getting weird.
All right, all right. We gotta
go to some private place
and have a huddle.
All right. How about my office?
Sam, aren't you forgetting
about your Cologne?
Aw, come on, will ya?
It's had all day to wear off.
Ok, we'll give it a
few more minutes.
The ladies room.
He's never gonna
walk in on us there.
Don't you think that'll
look a little weird?
Well, not if we
go in one at a time
so he doesn't notice.
Woody, cover the bar.
[Whistling]
I think we could've
spaced it out a little better.
Carla: Ok.
If anybody here knows any reason
why their personal conduct
should be coming
under investigation,
I hope they have enough
hormones to step forward and say so.
Ok. Ok.
I'll bet it's Woody.
Come on, man. That's crazy.
Why, Sam? The fact that
he's not here to defend himself
makes him the perfect choice.
Well, yeah. There's that.
Also, uh, well, what do we
know about Woody, huh?
I mean, he just comes in here
off the street out of nowhere.
Sam gives him a job.
No resume, no nothing, huh?
Yeah. For all we know, he
could be in cahoots with that guy.
I say Woody's a plant.
Only from the neck up.
Come on, cliff. Think
about it. I mean, Woody?
I mean, you're a little
off-base here, pal.
Oh, am I?
Well, he just, uh,
might've infiltrated the bar
to keep tabs on you, norm.
Heh. On me? What for?
Oh, he's just saying
"you" hypothetically.
Ah, not really.
What's that supposed
to mean, cliff. Huh?
Think I'm some sort of
crooked accountant, is that it?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just postulating
the possibility there
that the IRS might
think your accounting
is a little, uh, creative.
Oh, yeah? Creative, huh?
I say the guy might be a
postal investigator, cliff.
You haven't bought a stamp
since the Johnson
administration.
And I'm talking about
Andrew, pal. Andrew Johnson.
You'd better take
that back right now.
I've been a
postman for 11 years.
Relax. Take it easy.
Oh, sure. Relax.
For Mr. Love 'em
and leave 'em here.
For all we know, he's sniffing
out a paternity suit on you.
Aw, come on.
I think we might be
getting a little carried away.
And this from the woman
who toured Europe on her back.
[All arguing]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's it! That's it!
The guy's upsetting my
customers and my business.
I'm gonna go find
out what he's doing.
Sam?
Sam? Please.
I know, I know.
You guys are trying to talk me
out of making those
charitable contributions,
but somebody's gotta do it.
Hey, buddy, um, listen.
What's your story here?
You come in here and you...
Sam, he's a friend of mine.
You know this guy?
Yes.
Thank you, Irving.
You may leave now.
Sure. See you in class.
Ok.
We went zooey over
a guy name Irving?
He's a member of
my psychology class.
He's assisting me
in a little experiment
about paranoia.
What do you mean, experiment?
Well, the idea was to
introduce a foreign element
into an established,
secure environment
in order to observe
the ensuing behavior.
I for one found it extremely
interesting and highly educational.
Didn't all of you find
it extremely interesting
and highly educational?
Anybody?
You know, come
on, don't get mad.
It's silly to get mad.
Diane, we don't get mad.
Pardon me, Diane.
Aah.
Excuse me. Is there
anything on my back,
like a "kick me" sign?
No.
Thank you.
For several days I've been
expecting the people here
to get back at me
for something I did.
I brought a man
in... Wait a minute.
Why are you so curious?
Just do your crossword
and mind your own beeswax.
Oh, hey, Ms. Chambers.
I stopped in at the bakery
on the way into work
and got some muffins.
Would you like one?
Oh, here it is. Muffins?
Yeah. Blueberry or bran,
which one do you want?
Which one do you want, Woody?
I'll take the blueberry I think.
Ah, no, no. I'll
take the blueberry.
Ok.
Wait. It's ok with you
that I take the blueberry?
Then I want the bran.
Sure, Ms. Chambers. Enjoy it.
I just love the feel of warm
muffins in the morning.
Are you a little
nervous or something?
Me nervous? I'm not
nervous. I'm not a bit nervous.
I'm positively placid.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, frasier, thank
god you're here.
What took you so long?
I came as soon as
I got your message.
Well, I called your
office hours ago.
Well, I'd stepped out to Denver.
Well, if I had known
you were out of town,
I would never had
expected you to come here.
No, no, no. Don't be silly.
Listen, I was fed up
with Denver anyway.
Breath-taking mountains,
wide open spaces...
That hauntingly beautiful woman
that kept coming on
to me in the ski lodge.
Oh, good. Well, as long as
you're here, I want to talk with you.
Woody, there's a little
bit under that chair.
Diane, I've dreamed of this day.
Oh, frasier,
I hope you didn't
misinterpret my message
as a wish to
rekindle our romance.
Oh, um... No, of course not.
Um, this is Tuesday, right?
Mmm.
Well, see, when I said
I dreamed of this day,
I meant I dreamt of Tuesday.
Listen, I am very
proud of the fact
that I am completely over you.
Now, what is it?
Well, the other day I was
conducting an experiment
for my behavioral
sciences colloquium.
I brought a man in...
Man? What man?
A classmate. Oh, never mind.
The point is that I played
this harmless trick on them,
and now they're
going to get back at me.
At first I approached it
with my usual good humor,
but now I find I'm obsessed.
I need your help.
Well, I think one or 2
sessions should clear it up.
Oh, frasier, I don't
want counseling.
I want you to spy on them.
Ah.
Get close to them,
find out when heinous revenge
they have planned... aah!
Diane, look at yourself.
I mean, no wonder you're such
easy fodder for their little pranks.
Look, the problem is you
take everything so seriously.
Take it from me, who
used to do the same thing,
it's not worth it.
I'm much happier now that
I let things bounce off of me,
now that I'm
happy-go-lucky frasier crane.
Frasier, you're right.
I do take things too seriously.
I need to lighten up a little.
Great. Now that we've
taken care of of that,
do you think there's any chance
that you'll ever love me again
before I lie moldering
in the grave?
I'm joking, of course!
It's just another example of
my devil-may-care attitude.
Yeah. You've been
a big help. Thank you.
Uh, Diane, somebody
wants to talk to you.
Oh?
Yeah?
Ms. Chambers, I'm
Martin Gallagher,
wlbd public broadcasting.
One of your professors
at the university
sent us some of your poetry,
and we thought you'd make a
wonderful guest for our program,
"Boston's working poets."
Really? Yes.
You want me to
appear on television?
Yes. Oh, I'm honored.
Well, you should
be. Isn't that great?
Oh, yes. It's really...
Unbelievable.
Why don't you tell me a
bit more about your show.
Well, the concept is part-time
poets in their working habitat,
reading their own verse.
Hmm. Won't that be
exciting? Why, yes.
Little old me on
television. My, my, my.
Well, when do we get started?
Well, wouldn't right
now be all right?
Your Mr. Malone has
kindly offered his pool room.
Well, wasn't that nice of him.
Well, I guess right now
would be perfect, wouldn't it?
Well, good.
Well, let me show you
where to set up then.
So nice of you
to drop by cheers,
where I serve the
public many beers.
This is it.
Oh, are you sure?
Uh-huh.
Well, I doubt if the
collective intelligence of them
could devise this
complicated a ruse.
I'm absolutely sure.
They expect me to give a
sensitive rendition of my poetry.
And then at some future date,
they'll play it back
while they swill beer
and throw spit
wads at the screen
and make unpleasant
animal noises.
Well, I'm not
going to fall for it.
I have a little
surprise for them.
Now, that's the spirit.
Oh, Diane, what a
couple we'd have made.
2 irrepressible zanies.
Oh, Ms. Chambers?
What kind of poetry
are you going to recite?
Ah, you, too, Woody.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave
when first we
practice to deceive.
I hate to burst your bubble,
but I've heard that before.
We're ready for
you, Ms. Chambers.
Yes, I'm sure you are.
And I'm ready for you.
Just stand over here.
Aren't you going to give
me a clever introduction?
We'll dub that in later.
Oh, why didn't I think of that?
All right, roll camera.
And as soon as you're ready,
Ms. Chambers, just begin.
Well, I would like to begin
with one of my favorites,
and I hope you'll like it, too.
It's called "ode
to a cornish hen."
Bok. Bok. Bok. Bok.
Bok. Bok. Bok.
Bok. Bok.
Bok. Bok. Bok. Bok. Bok.
Bok. Bok. Bok. Bok.
Bok. Bok .bok. Bok.
[All laughing]
Diane: Sam, if you have
an ounce of humanity,
turn that off.
All: Aw.
What'd you think you
were doing up there?
I didn't think it
was a real show.
Are you kidding me?
I mean, who would make
up something that boring?
Diane: Well, I thought you did.
I thought it was a joke.
I figured that you set
it up to get back at me
because of my
psychology experiment.
Ah, what a great joke. I
wish he had thought of that.
I can't think of it now.
I made an absolute
ass of myself.
Oh, come on, Diane. Lighten up.
It wasn't that bad.
It really wasn't.
Heck, no. I've known chickens
who can't do that as well as you can.
Oh, hey, come
on. It's no big deal.
Nobody watches that stuff.
It's not just the show.
After I filmed that thing,
I felt kind of good
thinking that you guys
had gone to all that
trouble to get back at me
like you would with each other.
And I was thinking of
myself as one of the gang,
now I don't know whether
I'm more disappointed
at that awful
display on television
or the fact that you still
think of me as an outsider.
Oh, boy. Uh... I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say.
Um, go on to my place. Lie down.
Take as much time as
you want. Feel better.
Thank you, Sam.
[Water dumping]
I love you guys!
before a live studio audience.
Woody, let me have a c.C. Rocks,
something with a twist,
and whatever else
table 10 was drinking.
Boy, your batteries are
running low there, Carla.
I got 2 sick kids kept
me up half the night,
the neighbor's
dog went into heat
5:00 this morning,
and I am in the middle
of a double shift here.
Well, on the bright
side, you look like hell.
Oh, dear. I think this
calls for drastic measures.
G-6. Yep.
Oh. Oh, no,
not g-6.
[Dance music playing]
♪ Well, my mind's gone
♪ and I ain't got no shoes
♪ my mind's gone
♪ I ain't got no shoes
♪ well, if I had it...
[Music dies]
And leave it off.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same
♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Good lord, Sam.
Have you been swimming laps
in that Cologne of yours?
No. I just dropped a bottle
all over the floor in there.
Another $2.50 down the drain.
Oh, the big bottle.
Hey, look, um,
"the 3 musketeers" is
coming on in 10 minutes.
All right.
Oh, good for you
two. Excellent choice.
Of course there's
no substitution
for the dumas pére novel,
but, all in all, it wasn't a
bad translation into film.
You better believe it.
I love all that dueling.
Yeah. And the best
part is when curly
backs into the guard's sword and
makes that "boing boing" sound.
What makes me think we're
not talking about the same film?
She'd probably like shemp.
Yeah, right.
Is it possible that
occasionally you people
might spend an
afternoon doing something
that actually involves
intelligent thought?
Like what?
I can't conceive.
And we can all breathe
a sigh of relief for that.
[Imitates sword bouncing]
[Imitates curly's laughter]
Actually, just observing
people can be very interesting.
Don't you ever
make up little stories
about the people
you see in the bar?
Nope.
Well, for example,
this couple over here.
What's their story?
It's a guy and a
girl having a drink.
Fascinating.
Come on. You can
do better than that.
Just use a little imagination.
Ok. That's a guy...
And a naked girl having a drink.
That's funny, right?
No kidding, fellas.
That was really nifty.
I appreciate you taking me.
Where did they take you, Woody?
Well, we watched the greater
Boston women's 10k run.
I should've known.
Ah, well, wait a minute.
Hold on there, Diane.
We happen to
think it's inspiring
to watch a bunch of
women excel in a sport
from which only until recently
they've been barred
from competing.
Well, I'm sorry, Clifford.
I guess I misjudged you.
Besides, there wasn't
a bra in the field, huh?
It was an awfully chilly morning
if you know what I mean.
Yeah.
More coffee for chuckles.
Who?
Guy over there.
Didn't you notice him?
He's been sitting there
for a couple of hours
drinking coffee
and staring at us.
So what's the problem?
I'll tell you what's
the problem.
He doesn't smile.
He doesn't talk.
He looks at me
like I'm not there.
You'd think I slept
with him or something.
So what? He's not
bothering anyone.
He's bothering me.
Gives me the creeps.
Look. See that? He's
writing something down.
Now, what do you
think he's up to?
Aw, come on. For all we know,
he's writing down
a shopping list.
Here's the perfect chance
for us to play our little game.
Well, what game is that?
Well, we were just fantasizing
about customers in the bar.
Making up little stories
about them. 2 beers, Woody.
Well, he's probably a
writer or a poet or something.
Oh, that's very good.
What do you think
he's writing, Woody?
Well, I hope he's not writing
about a boy and his dog
who roam through the countryside
doing good deeds
and drinking beer.
Why?
'Cause that's the
story I'm writing.
Still looking at us.
So what's the big deal
as long he's minding
his own business?
That's just it, Sam.
He's not minding
his own business.
It's like he's spying on us.
See that? He just wrote
something else down.
There's an easy way to
figure out what this guy's up to.
Somebody just go ask him.
Well, let me.
All right.
I'm from the mid-west,
and we have kind of
a down-home charm
that makes people
kind of open up to us.
[Clears throat] Howdy, I'm
Woody Boyd from Hanover, Indiana.
That's the place mat
capital of the world.
My mother's name is Margaret
and my father's name's edgil.
My favorite color's blue,
and I've saved
all my baby teeth.
How about you?
Go away.
What'd you find out?
I've lived kind of a dull life.
Look. What's he doing now?
I'd say he's fixing a
cigarette lighter of some sort.
Yeah. Yeah. Perhaps
to the terminally naive.
Those of us in the know
can spot a highly sensitive
roloflex espionage camera.
Ooh, look. He's taking
pictures of us right now.
Aw, come on, man.
Just because he looks like
a spy and acts like a spy,
it doesn't mean
he is a spy, does it?
I think it pretty
much does, Sam.
Well, it certainly isn't
unheard of for an individual
to come under some
sort of surveillance.
Soon as you get into a computer,
hundreds of organizations
have information about every
aspect of your personal life.
Wow. Really?
Yes.
In fact, you could
be bugged right now.
Well, now that you mention it,
I am a little ticked,
but I guess...
You don't suppose
this guy's with,
like, the CIA or FBI
or anything, do you?
Ah, could be...
Or maybe... all
right, I'll say it.
Maybe with the kgb.
Come to think of it,
this guys does kind of
have a detective look about him.
All right, let's go over the 4
things we know about him.
He's been here since we opened,
he's not drinking,
he's not waiting
for a table upstairs...
Actually that's only 3.
Anybody else know anything?
You're an idiot.
That would be 4, then.
You know, if he's a detective,
he's obviously after one of us.
If it was anyone else,
he would've followed him
right out the door already.
We're the only ones
who have been here
the whole time he has.
Look, I got an idea.
I'm gonna go call
him on the phone
and distract him.
Cliff, you go see what
he's been writing about us.
Don't get caught.
Uh, no. Don't worry about that.
Even if he does, he won't
get anything out of me.
Norm: You don't know anything.
[Telephone rings]
Cheers.
Yeah, uh, who
may I say is calling.
Oh.
Excuse me, sir.
Uh, phone for you.
Who is it?
They didn't say.
Take a number.
5.
Oh, they hung up.
Probably call back.
Come on, man.
Didn't even take a phone call.
This is getting weird.
All right, all right. We gotta
go to some private place
and have a huddle.
All right. How about my office?
Sam, aren't you forgetting
about your Cologne?
Aw, come on, will ya?
It's had all day to wear off.
Ok, we'll give it a
few more minutes.
The ladies room.
He's never gonna
walk in on us there.
Don't you think that'll
look a little weird?
Well, not if we
go in one at a time
so he doesn't notice.
Woody, cover the bar.
[Whistling]
I think we could've
spaced it out a little better.
Carla: Ok.
If anybody here knows any reason
why their personal conduct
should be coming
under investigation,
I hope they have enough
hormones to step forward and say so.
Ok. Ok.
I'll bet it's Woody.
Come on, man. That's crazy.
Why, Sam? The fact that
he's not here to defend himself
makes him the perfect choice.
Well, yeah. There's that.
Also, uh, well, what do we
know about Woody, huh?
I mean, he just comes in here
off the street out of nowhere.
Sam gives him a job.
No resume, no nothing, huh?
Yeah. For all we know, he
could be in cahoots with that guy.
I say Woody's a plant.
Only from the neck up.
Come on, cliff. Think
about it. I mean, Woody?
I mean, you're a little
off-base here, pal.
Oh, am I?
Well, he just, uh,
might've infiltrated the bar
to keep tabs on you, norm.
Heh. On me? What for?
Oh, he's just saying
"you" hypothetically.
Ah, not really.
What's that supposed
to mean, cliff. Huh?
Think I'm some sort of
crooked accountant, is that it?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just postulating
the possibility there
that the IRS might
think your accounting
is a little, uh, creative.
Oh, yeah? Creative, huh?
I say the guy might be a
postal investigator, cliff.
You haven't bought a stamp
since the Johnson
administration.
And I'm talking about
Andrew, pal. Andrew Johnson.
You'd better take
that back right now.
I've been a
postman for 11 years.
Relax. Take it easy.
Oh, sure. Relax.
For Mr. Love 'em
and leave 'em here.
For all we know, he's sniffing
out a paternity suit on you.
Aw, come on.
I think we might be
getting a little carried away.
And this from the woman
who toured Europe on her back.
[All arguing]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's it! That's it!
The guy's upsetting my
customers and my business.
I'm gonna go find
out what he's doing.
Sam?
Sam? Please.
I know, I know.
You guys are trying to talk me
out of making those
charitable contributions,
but somebody's gotta do it.
Hey, buddy, um, listen.
What's your story here?
You come in here and you...
Sam, he's a friend of mine.
You know this guy?
Yes.
Thank you, Irving.
You may leave now.
Sure. See you in class.
Ok.
We went zooey over
a guy name Irving?
He's a member of
my psychology class.
He's assisting me
in a little experiment
about paranoia.
What do you mean, experiment?
Well, the idea was to
introduce a foreign element
into an established,
secure environment
in order to observe
the ensuing behavior.
I for one found it extremely
interesting and highly educational.
Didn't all of you find
it extremely interesting
and highly educational?
Anybody?
You know, come
on, don't get mad.
It's silly to get mad.
Diane, we don't get mad.
Pardon me, Diane.
Aah.
Excuse me. Is there
anything on my back,
like a "kick me" sign?
No.
Thank you.
For several days I've been
expecting the people here
to get back at me
for something I did.
I brought a man
in... Wait a minute.
Why are you so curious?
Just do your crossword
and mind your own beeswax.
Oh, hey, Ms. Chambers.
I stopped in at the bakery
on the way into work
and got some muffins.
Would you like one?
Oh, here it is. Muffins?
Yeah. Blueberry or bran,
which one do you want?
Which one do you want, Woody?
I'll take the blueberry I think.
Ah, no, no. I'll
take the blueberry.
Ok.
Wait. It's ok with you
that I take the blueberry?
Then I want the bran.
Sure, Ms. Chambers. Enjoy it.
I just love the feel of warm
muffins in the morning.
Are you a little
nervous or something?
Me nervous? I'm not
nervous. I'm not a bit nervous.
I'm positively placid.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, frasier, thank
god you're here.
What took you so long?
I came as soon as
I got your message.
Well, I called your
office hours ago.
Well, I'd stepped out to Denver.
Well, if I had known
you were out of town,
I would never had
expected you to come here.
No, no, no. Don't be silly.
Listen, I was fed up
with Denver anyway.
Breath-taking mountains,
wide open spaces...
That hauntingly beautiful woman
that kept coming on
to me in the ski lodge.
Oh, good. Well, as long as
you're here, I want to talk with you.
Woody, there's a little
bit under that chair.
Diane, I've dreamed of this day.
Oh, frasier,
I hope you didn't
misinterpret my message
as a wish to
rekindle our romance.
Oh, um... No, of course not.
Um, this is Tuesday, right?
Mmm.
Well, see, when I said
I dreamed of this day,
I meant I dreamt of Tuesday.
Listen, I am very
proud of the fact
that I am completely over you.
Now, what is it?
Well, the other day I was
conducting an experiment
for my behavioral
sciences colloquium.
I brought a man in...
Man? What man?
A classmate. Oh, never mind.
The point is that I played
this harmless trick on them,
and now they're
going to get back at me.
At first I approached it
with my usual good humor,
but now I find I'm obsessed.
I need your help.
Well, I think one or 2
sessions should clear it up.
Oh, frasier, I don't
want counseling.
I want you to spy on them.
Ah.
Get close to them,
find out when heinous revenge
they have planned... aah!
Diane, look at yourself.
I mean, no wonder you're such
easy fodder for their little pranks.
Look, the problem is you
take everything so seriously.
Take it from me, who
used to do the same thing,
it's not worth it.
I'm much happier now that
I let things bounce off of me,
now that I'm
happy-go-lucky frasier crane.
Frasier, you're right.
I do take things too seriously.
I need to lighten up a little.
Great. Now that we've
taken care of of that,
do you think there's any chance
that you'll ever love me again
before I lie moldering
in the grave?
I'm joking, of course!
It's just another example of
my devil-may-care attitude.
Yeah. You've been
a big help. Thank you.
Uh, Diane, somebody
wants to talk to you.
Oh?
Yeah?
Ms. Chambers, I'm
Martin Gallagher,
wlbd public broadcasting.
One of your professors
at the university
sent us some of your poetry,
and we thought you'd make a
wonderful guest for our program,
"Boston's working poets."
Really? Yes.
You want me to
appear on television?
Yes. Oh, I'm honored.
Well, you should
be. Isn't that great?
Oh, yes. It's really...
Unbelievable.
Why don't you tell me a
bit more about your show.
Well, the concept is part-time
poets in their working habitat,
reading their own verse.
Hmm. Won't that be
exciting? Why, yes.
Little old me on
television. My, my, my.
Well, when do we get started?
Well, wouldn't right
now be all right?
Your Mr. Malone has
kindly offered his pool room.
Well, wasn't that nice of him.
Well, I guess right now
would be perfect, wouldn't it?
Well, good.
Well, let me show you
where to set up then.
So nice of you
to drop by cheers,
where I serve the
public many beers.
This is it.
Oh, are you sure?
Uh-huh.
Well, I doubt if the
collective intelligence of them
could devise this
complicated a ruse.
I'm absolutely sure.
They expect me to give a
sensitive rendition of my poetry.
And then at some future date,
they'll play it back
while they swill beer
and throw spit
wads at the screen
and make unpleasant
animal noises.
Well, I'm not
going to fall for it.
I have a little
surprise for them.
Now, that's the spirit.
Oh, Diane, what a
couple we'd have made.
2 irrepressible zanies.
Oh, Ms. Chambers?
What kind of poetry
are you going to recite?
Ah, you, too, Woody.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave
when first we
practice to deceive.
I hate to burst your bubble,
but I've heard that before.
We're ready for
you, Ms. Chambers.
Yes, I'm sure you are.
And I'm ready for you.
Just stand over here.
Aren't you going to give
me a clever introduction?
We'll dub that in later.
Oh, why didn't I think of that?
All right, roll camera.
And as soon as you're ready,
Ms. Chambers, just begin.
Well, I would like to begin
with one of my favorites,
and I hope you'll like it, too.
It's called "ode
to a cornish hen."
Bok. Bok. Bok. Bok.
Bok. Bok. Bok.
Bok. Bok.
Bok. Bok. Bok. Bok. Bok.
Bok. Bok. Bok. Bok.
Bok. Bok .bok. Bok.
[All laughing]
Diane: Sam, if you have
an ounce of humanity,
turn that off.
All: Aw.
What'd you think you
were doing up there?
I didn't think it
was a real show.
Are you kidding me?
I mean, who would make
up something that boring?
Diane: Well, I thought you did.
I thought it was a joke.
I figured that you set
it up to get back at me
because of my
psychology experiment.
Ah, what a great joke. I
wish he had thought of that.
I can't think of it now.
I made an absolute
ass of myself.
Oh, come on, Diane. Lighten up.
It wasn't that bad.
It really wasn't.
Heck, no. I've known chickens
who can't do that as well as you can.
Oh, hey, come
on. It's no big deal.
Nobody watches that stuff.
It's not just the show.
After I filmed that thing,
I felt kind of good
thinking that you guys
had gone to all that
trouble to get back at me
like you would with each other.
And I was thinking of
myself as one of the gang,
now I don't know whether
I'm more disappointed
at that awful
display on television
or the fact that you still
think of me as an outsider.
Oh, boy. Uh... I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say.
Um, go on to my place. Lie down.
Take as much time as
you want. Feel better.
Thank you, Sam.
[Water dumping]
I love you guys!