Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Triangle - full transcript

Diane convinces Sam to go to Frasier with fake depression symptoms so that Frasier can analyze him and get his confidence back as a psychiatrist. But Frasier comes back with a diagnosis ...

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Evening, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

What can I do for
you, Mr. Peterson?

Elope with my wife.

How you doing?

Pretend we're having
a normal conversation.

With you?

Party. My house. Saturday.

12 noon sharp. You're invited.

A party at noon?



Shh! Keep it under
your hat, will ya?

You're the only one
in the bar I invited,

and I Don' want to
hurt anybody's feelings.

Hurt mine.

Norm, look, we're gonna
have plenty of beer,

cold cuts galore, a
big bucket of slaw.

You're gonna love it.

And we're gonna
maybe do a little painting.

Painting?

Yeah, just the attic.
It's not the point.

I'm inviting a lot of
guys from the post office.

It should be a great time.

I don't think so, cliffie.

What's the problem here, norm?



You know I hate
painting. You know that.

Yeah, well, so who doesn't?

But with all these
guys around there,

it'll take no time at all.

All right, don't
tell Vera, all right?

She'd get upset. I haven't
finished painting our house.

How far have you gotten?

Well, I bought the little hat.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

I'm so tired tonight. I
can't wait to get home

and take a nice hot bath.

What? Little miss popularity
has a free evening?

Don't tell me you've been
through all the men in Boston?

Really, frasier.

I heard you used to be
a psychiatrist, Dr. Crane.

Yes, I once belonged to
that ridiculous profession

where pompous
intellectuals get together

and discuss the illusion that
there's something they can do

to can alter the
human situation,

and deny that man is condemned

to a life of bitterness
and despair.

Yeah, but you got
your weekends off.

I'm sorry. Will you excuse me?

Frasier lost his job

and all he's got working
for him is a drinking problem.

You know, we ought
to help Dr. Crane.

I mean, we're his friends.

Somebody ought to
give him a good talking to.

Don't you think I've done that?

You can't imagine how
long and how hard I've talked.

Oh, yes we can. Oh, yeah.

He's lost his self-esteem.

Without that, how can he
hope to practice his profession?

You know what frasier needs?

He needs to come out of the
bullpen and get his first out,

you know, get his
confidence back, his rhythm.

Sam, you're right. If he
could only cure someone.

Do we know someone
with a problem?

Ehh... stumper.

Come on, doesn't anyone
want to talk to frasier?

I mean, he's a
trained psychiatrist.

Hey, you're the one who
had her brain overhauled.

Aren't you still under
warranty or something?

If I talk to him in
any personal way,

he'll interpret it as
a romantic overture.

Look, we don't even need
someone with a real problem.

One of you could go to
him with some symptoms

let him advise
you, wait a while,

then tell him you feel better.

I don't know, Diane.

Well, I think it's a good plan.

Well, thank you, Woody.

It's quick, simple.

And you don't have to
send away for those kits

or anything.

What kits?

Like the coyote does in
the roadrunner cartoons.

By the way, now I
always wondered,

if he can afford to buy those
kits to catch the roadrunner,

why can't he afford to
buy something to eat?

Woody, I think you're
missing the point here.

It's not that

wile e. Coyote wants
to eat, necessarily,

or that he wants
to eat a roadrunner.

What he wants

is to eat that
particular roadrunner.

It's very existential.

We're trying to save
a man's life here.

Yeah, cliff, really.

Besides, I have to
disagree with you.

You never see the coyote
ever eat anything else.

Think about it. You never
really see him eats anything at all.

Which could be why he's
missing the damn bird all the time.

The brain needs
sugar. Think about it.

Yeah, yeah, but did you
guys ever see the one

where there were 2 roadrunners?

2 roadrunners?

Sam, Sam, I think

this plan will work.

And you're the
one that has to do it.

Me? Oh, come on.

You can't expect me to pull
something over on frasier.

I don't know anything
about psychology.

But you have no idea
how simple this will be.

I'm talking about something

as easy as... Say, depression.

Depression.

Yes. The symptoms
are loss of appetite,

inability to sleep,
loss of sex drive...

Whoa, whoa. Loss of sex drive?

Like in not wanting to
have any sex? Forget it.

No, no. I don't like to
lie about things like that.

Oh, Sam, why not?

When I was a kid, I
used to make goofy faces,

my mom used to say, "don't
do that. It may stay that way."

I'm not doing anything
goofy with my sex life.

Sam, Sam, do this for me,
and I'll owe you a big, big favor...

That doesn't involve
sex, sex, or sex.

How about sex?

Or sex.

Woody, pour me a
beer, will you? Thanks.

Sam, do it for
frasier, your friend.

Now, there's a
head I can shrink.

Say, frasier?

Yeah, Sam?

Can I talk to you

for a minute in
my office, please?

This won't take long.

Look, Sam, I know my
bar bill's way up there,

but I'm going to be
selling off part of my library,

possibly some office furniture.

No, no. Forget it.

No, I mean, I want
you to pay your bar bill,

but that's not what
I want to talk about.

Frasier, I got a
problem. I'm depressed.

Hey, who isn't?

Well, no, no. This is serious.

I think I need some
professional help on this one.

I can't eat, can't sleep,

and I can't... Have sex.

Well, those are
classic symptoms.

Yeah, well, the
sex part's not bad.

I don't even know
why I brought it up.

Well, what do you think
has caused this problem?

The completely non-sexual one?

Um, well, I don't
know. I don't know.

What do you think it is?

You're the only person I
trust to listen to on this one.

Well, ok, Sam, I think I
have some advice for you.

Oh, good, what?

Well, get yourself
a qualified therapist

to help you get over
your depression.

And when you do,
give me his name.

Cliff: No way can a coyote
survive a gunpowder sandwich.

Norm: I suppose that proves

that the coyote's the
antichrist. Come on.

Well, I can tell by the look
on your face and frasier's

that it didn't go well.

Not only did it not work,

but I had to tell another man

that my equipment
was on the Fritz.

It was humiliating.

Well, I really appreciate
that you gave it a try, Sam.

Thanks.

Oh, wait a minute.

You still owe me a
favor here, don't you?

Well, I suppose I do.

Do you have something in mind?

Yeah, let's go to bed.

Sam, have you
forgotten my caveats?

Almost. I was hoping
to refresh my memory.

Good morning, one
and all. I feel delicious.

Well, good morning, frasier.

Good morning.

Coffee. May I?

Sure. Certainly.

Listen, Diane, if you
wouldn't mind, I'd like to have

a word in private with Sam.

Of course. Help yourself.

Sam, I had the most
incredible evening.

Last night I dreamed
about something notdiane.

Well, she was in the background,

chattering on about
something, naked.

But the important is

I was a therapist again,

and you were my patient,

and we were
discussing that problem.

Problem? What problem?

Well, you know.
The one about your...

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ jingle all the way ♪

why don't we just go in my
office here and talk about it, ok?

I'm sorry it's so messy.

I got home last night,

and I couldn't get your
problem out of my mind.

I think I've got a handle on it.

Oh, great.

Your whole problem
stems from the fact

that you're still
in love with Diane.

Now you've been
suppressing that emotion,

denying it.

Well, what's your
opinion about that?

Let me go find out.

I mean, let me think it out.

I think better out
here, more or less.

I hope you're happy.

Why, what happened?

Frasier thinks I'm depressed

because I'm in love with you.

Oh, dear. I didn't
see that coming.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna go
back in there, tell him the truth

before this gets ridiculous.

Oh, Sam, didn't you see
the bounce in that man's step,

the twinkle in his eye?

Let him think he
made a good diagnosis.

What harm could it possibly do?

I don't know. As
long as you don't think

I'm in love with you.

Well, I don't.

Not entirely.

At all.

Much.

Not a bit.

Mostly.

Ok. You got it.

Got what?

Oh, come on, we
don't have to rehash this

over and over again.

You said it and I agree with it.

Trust me. Sam, say it.

Take a step toward
feeling stronger and better.

Free yourself, Sam.

Say it now.

Ok.

Ok.

I love Diane.

Oh, god! It is true!

Thank you, Sam.

You're welcome.
Are you all right?

I'm better than all
right. I'm reborn.

That revelation was just
the catharsis I needed.

I've looked at the truth
in its pure undiluted form.

Now I can get on with my life.

Great. Hey, I feel
better. You feel better.

What could be better?

No. Just a second,
Sam. You've only begun.

What do you mean?

You've admitted
that you love Diane.

In order to get rid
of your depression,

you will have
to admit it to her.

Sam, you must tell
her that you love her.

Oh, come on.

Don't make me say that. Come on.

Well, why not?

Because I don't...

Because I don't want to.

Come on, man! Tell
Diane you love her!

Let some fresh air
and sunlight in there.

Frasier.

What?

I don't like guys
touching my head.

Well, there's our next session.

I'm gonna run over to Louie's

and take a look at
the new spring line.

See what I can do for
the outer man, eh, Sam?

Yeah, yeah, good idea.

So this thing with Diane

doesn't have to take
place right away?

Oh, yes, it does.

Sam, it's very important.
You must tell her immediately.

Now, listen, I'll be back
tomorrow, and you can fill me in

on everything that transpires.

Every thought, every
nuance, every detail.

Every thought?

Absolutely. Sam, this
one's on the house.

Huh. Great.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

What can I get
you, Mr. Peterson?

Clifford clavin's head.

What are you upset
with Mr. Clavin about?

I spent the whole day
yesterday at cliff's house

at a painting party,

and I was the only
one who showed up.

I painted all day

while cliff and
his mother argued

over who forgot to pick
up the food and beer.

Well, did they at least
thank you for your hard work?

Well, Woody, that
depends if you consider

"your friend sweats
like a mule" a thank you.

No, that's really more
like polite conversation.

Hey, what a party. What a nigh.

Ah, hey, norm, tell me,

did I make an ass
out of myself, huh?

I'd bet on it.

Sam, calm down. There's
nothing to be excited about.

Tell frasier you
told me you love me.

Simple as that, huh? Certainly.

Well, for your information,
he wants details...

Every thought, every moment.

Oh, dear, you're
right. Knowing frasier,

he'll want a complete account.

Yeah, right.

Well, it's still quite simple.

Tell him you said,
"Diane, I love you."

I said, "how very
sad for you." Then...

No, no. Whoa, whoa.

This was your stupid plan.

Now, if I have to
be in love with you,

then you have to be in love me.

Oh, all right, if
it'll help frasier.

Ok. So I love you,

and you're gaga over me.

"Gaga" makes it sound like

I'm more in love with
you than you are with me.

If we're going to do this,

I want to be only as much in
love with you as you are with me.

Ok. I love you, you love me.

Now... the story.

Mm-hmm.

Ok, we went out for Chinese,

told each other you know what,

and then we went
back to my place

and tore one off.

Good lord. What?

Well, frasier knows I
would never be seduced

by such a pedestrian approach.

Hey, who said
anything about walking?

Come on, let me
hear your suggestion.

This ought to be good.

Oh, how about this?

Do you remember that
romantic hideaway in marblehead,

the one with the
fabulous seafood? Yeah.

Tell him we arrived at sunset...

The maitre d'... you
better write this down.

Oh, I like this.

All right.

Sunset.

We ask for our table.

Right by the big fireplace.

With the ocean view.

Ok. Now, what did we eat?

He's not going to
ask you what we ate.

Oh, we were too hungry to eat.

Oh, that's good, that's good.

No, it's not good.

No, you see, hungry usually
means food. Now, what I'm doing...

No, I get it.

It's just not good. Erase that.

All right, all right.

Tell him you were
so filled with passion

that you pushed the plates
aside and grabbed my hand.

Filled... with passion.

Then you say

what you brought
me up there to tell me.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I love you.

Sam, I think you
can enhance it a bit.

Like... "I love you, Diane."

"I've always loved
you, and I always will"

"till the day I die."

No. Not even the grave
will diminish my love.

Only... only make its
flame burn brighter.

Whatever.

And of course it's my turn.

Yeah, right. What
do you say to me?

I look you in the
eyes and I say,

"you're not so bad yourself."

No, come on,

after what I just
said to you? No, no.

It's got to be more,

something like, "I
love you so much,

"I can't stand it.

"As far as I'm concerned,

"you're the only person in
the world that matters to me,

"and I'd jump at the chance

to be your love slave."

Whatever.

All right, all right. Ok.

So then we go upstairs.

If you insist.

We can leave the rest
to frasier's imagination.

We're already
up there. I mean...

The room's paid for.

All right, all right.
I'll just build a fire.

If you like.

Yeah. Then... Go
over to the bed, and...

I'll start nibbling
on your ear, yeah.

You always used to love that.

Oh, yeah.

What do you mean, "oh, yeah"?

Oh, nothing.

No, no, no. Come
on, what do you mean?

Well, I don't suppose it
would do any harm to tell you.

As long as we're on the subject,

I never particularly
cared for that.

Ear nibbles?

Well, you sure seemed to.

I didn't want to upset you.

Male pride and all that.

What else did you seem to enjoy?

Everything else was fine.

Just the ear nibbles
were... Annoying.

I'm only bringing this up

because there's no
longer anything between us,

and we've grown so.

Yeah, yeah, grown.

You know, while we're
on the subject here,

do you remember
that little yellow nightie

you used to wear?

As I recall, I never
wore it very long.

You loved that nightie.

No, no, you just
thought I loved it.

You didn't love it?

It made you look
like a big banana.

It's good that we can
laugh like this, right?

I can't believe I paraded
around in that damn nightgown

thinking I was arousing you,

and instead I was amusing you.

It wasn't amusing that long.

After a while, it
got kind of sad.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, because I know
we'd get in a fight,

and you'd end up
saying that you hate me.

Well, I do hate you, Sam.

Well, I hate you, Diane.

You're incapable
of any originality.

Now, you just said you hate me

because I said I hate you.

All right, fine,
I'll change mine.

Yours was, "I hate you."

Mine will be, "I hate you!"

Oh, great.

And I just bought
three Italian suits.

Oh, shut up, frasier!

Sam, what happened?

The same thing that
always happens. She's a nut.

She's certifiably insane.

Look, Sam, is that any way
to talk to the woman you love?

Aw, come on, frasier,

let me fill you in here,
pal. I don't love Diane.

That was just part of her
plan to make you feel better

by making you think
that you'd cured me.

I see.

I'm sorry.

Frasier, you were once
a brilliant psychiatrist.

We couldn't bear standing
by, seeing you throw it all away.

So this is what it's come to.

You were practicing deceit

to get my confidence back.

You took pity on me.

You, of all people.

Two of the most
pitiful people I know.

Hey, hey, she's a lot
more pitiful than I am.

Sam.

You're both
pitiful! I'm pitiful!

We're all 3 a pitiful
menage a boobs.

Well, this boob is moving on.

You two may not have
the courage to face it,

but I finally do.

Sam and Diane, you are now

and have always
been hopelessly in,

I guess the word for it is love,

and unfortunately for you,
like it or not, you always will be.

I know! I know!

Now you're going to deny it!

Even though it's ludicrously
obvious to everyone around you,

you two are the ones
pretending that it's not true

because you're
emotional infants!

You're in a living hell!

You love each other,
and you hate each other,

and you hate yourselves
for loving each other.

Well, my dear friends,
I want no part of it.

It's time I just picked
up my life where I left off.

It's time to put humpty
dumpty back together again.

So I'll get out of here now

so you can just get
on with your denial-fest.

Well?

Well, what?

What do you think about...

What frasier said?

Frasier's a pretty sharp guy.

Well, we agree on something.

What's next?

Well... if this is hell, I'm...

I'm not that unhappy.

Then we agree on something else.

Yeah.

Hey, uh...

I only said that I didn't
like your nightgown

because you said you
didn't like my ear nibbles.

Well, I would have
liked your ear nibbles

if you hadn't sounded
so much like a chipmunk.

Well, I'd rather
sound like a chipmunk

than look like a banana.