Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 8 - Diane Meets Mom - full transcript

Carla: Hey. Cheers is filmed

before a live studio audience.

Hello.

Oh, hi. What can I get you?

I'm a phone company repairman.

Oh, I'm a bartender.
Ernie pantusso.

Phil Ryan. I got a call
to come down here.

Gee, there must be
some mistake, Phil.

I didn't call for any repairman.

I think Sam put
in a call, coach.

He did? Gee, that's strange.



He didn't say
anything to me about it.

I better give him a call

and find out what
this is all about.

Bum luck, Phil. The phone's out.

Give him a couple of seconds.

Say, Phil, uh... I hate
to impose on you,

but since they got you down
here on this wild goose chase,

would you mind taking
a look at the phone?

Sure.

Thank you.

Lucky thing he happened
by here, huh, Carla?

Sometimes fate
takes a hand, coach.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪



♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪♪

Hi, everybody. I bet
you're surprised to see me

on my night off.

Yeah. We didn't hear
your broom pull up.

What are you doing here tonight?

I'm having dinner upstairs
with frasier and his mother.

She's a seafood aficionado.

We think she'll like the
bouillabaisse at melville's.

You're having dinner
with frasier's mother?

You actually deduced

I'm having dinner with
frasier and his mother

when all I did was
say it in your presence.

No flash cards, no crib
notes on your sleeve.

Uncanny.

Huh. We're a little
edgy tonight, aren't we?

But I guess I can't blame you.

Meeting mom is a big
step in a relationship.

Granted, meeting your
prospective fiancé's mother,

especially when she's
an eminent psychiatrist

trained to spot the slightest
quirk in a person's behavior,

could be a nerve-racking evening

for somebody who's going
to be there, but I'm not.

Good night.

Chickening' out, huh, Diane?

Absolutely not.
They're 12 seconds late.

Hey, come on! Get
back here, sit down,

and have a glass of wine. Coach?

Coach: Yeah.

Sit down now,
honey, and just relax.

Everything's going to be fine.

Just remember... now,
don't snap your gum,

don't chew with your mouth open,

and for god's sakes,

don't play with your bra straps.

I'll try to remember
that, coach.

Trying's not good enough.

I'll just have to
write it down for you.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

Diane: Norman.

What would you say
to a nice beer, normie?

Going down?

Listen, coach, do me a favor

and don't make a big
fuss over me today, ok?

You got it.

You know, no cakes,
candles, party hats, singing.

None of that, all right?

Ok.

You know, 'cause, really, it
would be so embarrassing.

You know what I mean?

And no gifts, all right?

Well...

Yeah.

Whatever you do, don't
ask me how old I am today.

Normie, is today your birthday?

Coach, you remembered, huh?

[Ding]

Hey, everybody,
it's normie's birthday!

Oh! Hey!

Hey! Well!

All right. Let me buy the
birthday boy a drink here.

Please, you're making
too big a deal out of this.

Ah. There you are, my darling.

Well, at last, you two meet...

The woman who gave me life

and the woman who gives me life.

Oh, frasier! Oh, frasier!

Forgive me. I lose my head in
the company of beautiful women.

Dr. Crane...

Oh, please, dear,
call me hester.

Hester, it's a pleasure.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

Let me take your coat, mother.

Diane.

Here's the list of
tips I promised you.

Thank you, coach.

I also added instructions

for a dainty way
to dispose of gristle.

Oh, frasier, she's lovely.

He's made no secret of the fact,

but even he didn't
do you justice.

Well, in an anxiety-provoking
situation such as this,

one tends to respond with
exaggerated compliments.

Let me just be frank.

You are the most
strikingly handsome woman

I've ever laid eyes on.

Oh!

Something exciting
is happening here.

Exciting, but not surprising.

By the end of evening, you
two will be thick as thieves.

Only if we can't
resist the temptation

to pig out on cheesecake.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Coach: Hey, doc! Doc.

Vic's ready for you upstairs.

I hope everybody's
got an appetite.

I'll never eat again.

Let me hurry on up

and make sure
we've got a good table.

I'm thick with Vic.

Ah, ah.

Well, mother...

Eh, boy. Did you see that?

What?

Frasier purposely avoided
drawing me into the conversation.

You know, I noticed
that, too, cliffie.

What's his problem?

He knows how well-versed
I am in his field, coach.

I've embarrassed many a
professional so-called expert.

Actually, cliff,

I think you've embarrassed
everybody you know.

Well, as long as you're
saying it, it's not bragging.

Hey! Norm, when
did you get here?

36 years ago today, Sammy.

It's my buddy
norm's birthday today.

Is that right? Yep.

I think the birthday of
one of my best customers

deserves a little
of the old bubbly.

No, no, no. No, no.

Well, maybe you're right. Hey!

Just kidding, just kidding.

Open this up on the
double, will you, coach?

Congratulations, man.
Many happy returns.

Just as long as you don't
go singing "happy birthday,"

because I'd really
hate that, you know,

if you sang "happy birthday."

You know, just
because it is my...

♪ happy birthday ♪

♪ to you ♪

♪ happy birthday to you ♪

cut it out! Come on, now.

♪ Happy birthday,
dear normie... ♪♪

[clang] [Pop]

Oh!

Oh, norm! Norm!

Are you all right?

You ok, buddy?
Yeah, I'm all right.

Woo! That sucker nearly hit me.

Hold still, now.

Why don't you sit
down here for a second?

No.

You all right?

Yeah.

How many fingers I got?

Three.

Not you, coach.

Three.

Sure, after I give
him the answer.

You sure?

Yes, I'm fine.

Wait a minute, Sammy. The primary
symptom of postprandial trauma

is the blurring of
the metatarsals.

Cliff, shut up.

Ok, fine. I'll shut up.

Go ahead. Wallow in ignorance.

I think we're re-entering
the dark ages here.

Do we gain an hour
or lose an hour?

Would you guys cut it out?

Hey, listen, why don't
you go see a doctor?

That thing hit you pretty hard.

I'm all right. I swear.

Come on. Play it safe.
Go to the emergency room.

I'll pay for it.

No, no. A little rap in the head.
Doesn't even hurt anymore.

Normie's right. I got a rap in
the head all the time in baseball.

I never went to a doctor.

And you'll keep
my glass chilled?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Terrific,
normie. I'll pass that on.

Hey, listen, everybody,
normie's just fine.

They're just keeping him
in the hospital overnight

to do a few more tests on him.

A lot of people miss
the whimsy in jung.

He's given me many a chuckle.

I wrote one of my
favorite papers about it.

It's entitled...
Tongue-in-cheek, of course...

Hello, jung lovers.

How clever.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, dear. Something
just struck me.

I hope I haven't dominated
the conversation tonight.

Nonsense, Diane. The
wine and your verbiage

were the perfect
complement to our meal.

Listen, why don't
you two have a seat,

and I'll get us a fine cordial.

Will you trust me to
make the selection?

I have a very special little treat
in mind that I've just discovered

and I'd like to
surprise you with it.

Oh, frasier, you're
mad, but I love you.

Three cans of schlitz. Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Listen, and listen carefully.

Stop seeing my son,

or, as god is my
witness, I'll kill you.

Something to munch on.

Yum, yum, yum!

Now listen to me.

I have a gun. I
know how to use it.

Here we are.

Oh, doesn't that look lovely?

What do you call it?

It's a delightful pear liqueur.

Oh, sounds delicious!
Doesn't it, Diane?

Uh... uh...

I think she likes it.

Well, I hate to leave your
company again so soon,

but I must visit the men's room.

You know what they say...

You only rent a
chateau lafite-rothschild.

I'll go with you.

Well, Diane, there
are some things

a man must do alone.

If you love me, you
won't do this now.

Well, it's a peculiar
test of a man's affection,

but I think I'm up to it.

You know, I've just
had an inspiration.

What say we go to an intimate
cabaret and hear some jazz?

Oh, that's a
wonderful idea, frasier.

How do you feel about it, Diane?

Uh...

Diane, you're white
as a sheet. Are you ok?

I'm a little tired, frasier.

Why don't you and hester
go along without me?

No. We wouldn't think of it!

No. No, I insist.

Um... I'll be fine.
I'll call a cab.

I wouldn't want to interfere
with your fun time. Please.

She's tired. Don't press her.

Go home, dear. Rest.

You need a night on the town

like you need a
hole in the head.

I'll be fine.

Thank you.

Very well.

I'll call you later.

So how'd dinner go?

She wants to kill me.

You got to start picking
up some checks, Diane.

Sam, I have to
ask you a question.

And promise me you won't
make a joke out of it. Ok? Promise.

Yeah, I promise. What's up?

Do you think I'm crazy?

Yes.

Ha ha.

Now that we've gotten
the joke out of the way,

will you please help me?

I know this is a strange
question, but it's important.

Do you think I'm... Crazy?

Yes.

I should've known better.

You're incapable of a
rational conversation.

Everything has to
be some flip remark.

Well, all right.
Now, wait a minute.

Do you mean are you crazy,
like seriously unbalanced,

like losing your
grasp on reality?

Yes.

Oh. Well, then...

Yes.

When you're ready to
discuss this as an adult,

then we will talk.

Say, do I sense a bit of tension

between you and
dear old mother crane?

Well, I don't want to
blow this out of proportion.

Doesn't every woman feel
their mother-in-law-to-be

is an evil, dark-hearted,
psychotic murderess?

I mean competitor.

What exactly did she say?

I don't remember
it word for word.

Something about, "I have a
gun, and I know how to use it."

Then before she left, she said
I needed a night on the town

like I needed a
hole in the head.

Ha ha ha ha!
That's kind of cute.

Cute? You think a
death threat is cute?

Well, not as a
rule, no, but, um...

You know, your sense of humor
is not exactly your strong point.

Is it possible that this
lady is joking with you?

Well, anything is possible,
but what's funny about...

A hole in the head?

Oh, god!

Is it possible?

Oh, I feel so foolish.

She must think I'm a twit.

Don't worry about that
because when I first met you,

I thought you were a twit, too.

Boy, this gal is a
real kidder, huh?

I mean, we're talking
veritable goose. Ha ha!

Well, fortunately, we're
having lunch together,

so I can show hester

that I can give
as good as I get.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

What's up, norm?

Everything that's
supposed to be.

Hey, norm. How you doing?

I hear you spent the
night in the hospital.

Yeah, yeah. I'm ok, though.

Here. You can
just take care of this

at your leisure, I suppose.

$683?

Yeah.

Just to have your head checked?

Yeah. Isn't that something?

Well, they did a whole
battery of tests on me, Sam.

Hey, I thought the
important thing is

that I'm ok, isn't it?

Well, no. Well, I
mean yes, but...

$683.

Sammy, the cost
of diagnostic testing

has gone up dramatically.

I read recently where it's
run into billions every year.

Gee. I didn't know
so many people

got hit by corks.

What all did they do to
you down there, norm?

Mostly routine stuff.

Well, I did take care
of one other little matter.

Like what?

I had a little mole removed.

And you stuck me with it?

Norm, where did you have a mole?

Must have been the one
on your butt, there, huh?

Uh, norm... I didn't know
you were that... Vain.

Who's ever gonna
see your rear end?

You're just about to, wise guy.

I think you took advantage
of me here, norm.

Sam, I figured you'd
want to throw in the mole.

It makes a nice
birthday gift, you know?

All right, you want to
be hard-nosed about it.

Come on. I'll pay
for it. Come on.

No, no. No. Happy birthday.

Thank you, Sam.
It's just what I wanted.

You're welcome.

You know, I know
it's a little early,

but I wouldn't say no to a
tummy tuck for Christmas.

I'll think about it.

Oh! Hey, Diane, look who's here.

If you have knees,
prepare to slap them now.

Hello, dear.

Hello, Diane. Are
you feeling better?

Much better, thank you.

Good. If Sam the slave
driver will let us steal you away,

I have reservations
for three for lunch.

Oh, sounds good.

Hester, I've been thinking a lot

about our little
talk last night.

I hope you've been
thinking long and hard.

I have.

Frasier, I came to
a decision last night.

When and if we marry,

I think we should commit
mommy dearest to a rest home,

making sure that
beating and starving

are the only
forms of recreation.

Diane!

I, uh, beg your pardon?

In fact, I feel like slapping
your face right now.

Take me out of here this moment.

Well, it's a joke.

Come on, I'm obviously kidding.

We're not going to put
the woman in a rest home.

We'll have her with us always.

We're going to have her stuffed.

Ha ha ha ha!

And... and I'll even slit
her throat in the process.

Thank you, Sam.

I've never encountered
such hostility,

personally or professionally.

I'm leaving.

No, no. Just a minute.
Let's all take a beat.

Now, the three of us are
going into Sam's office,

and we're going to
work this thing through.

There's got to be some
logical explanation.

And there'd better be, Diane.

Well, it's a joke.
It's all joking.

Hester, you're with
me on this, aren't you?

If terrible threats
constitute jokes,

no, I'm not with you on this.

Ok, time to take stock here.

I'm not crazy...

Right, Diane? Right you are.

A whole year of my life.

Hester, I was trying
to joke with you

like you were joking with me.

If you weren't joking,
then you threatened

my life last night,
and I think...

She what? I what?

She said that if I
didn't stop seeing you,

she'd shoot me.

This was obviously a mistake.

Oh, no. You know perfectly
well you threatened my life.

Oh, Diane, for heaven's sake!

I will not stay and
be talked to like this.

Frasier, she is a rude,
boorish, spiteful woman who,

for some reason that
I don't understand,

resents me terribly.

Mother, please.

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Diane.

I'm not lying. She is.

And if you love
me, you'll stand up

for me right now when I need it.

But, Diane...

Frasier, I'm asking you
to leave with me now.

Frasier,

this is the most
important moment

in our relationship.

If you abandon
me now, that's it.

Mother...

Why did you threaten Diane?

You believe her?

Yes.

Oh... god!

I've lost you!

Oh, frasier, I did say
those terrible things,

but believe me, I
had good reason.

Oh. She said them, but
she had good reasons.

Not good enough!

They'd better be good.

The best in the world.

Oh, I wanted to save you

from ruining what can
be a brilliant career.

I just can't stand
the picture of you

being married to a
pseudo-intellectual barmaid.

No offense intended.

None taken. Ca ne fait rein.

Mother, I can't
believe this of you...

A woman who has always been

the most gentle, rational
human being I've ever known.

Oh, my dear boy,

you know that I would
never follow through

on my threat to kill her.

You know, as I was pricing
revolvers this morning,

I realized how irrational
my feelings were.

But don't you understand?

I'd rather see you

shoveling sherbet
at Howard Johnson's

in a silly hat and an apron

than make a bad marriage.

Mother, you don't understand.

We're not going to
have a bad marriage,

and I'm not going
to shovel sherbet.

But I would be happy doing it

if Diane were at my side.

Oh, frasier!

I never realized how much
this woman meant to you.

Of course, I don't really
understand why, but...

I never could understand
your spider collection, either,

but I grew to accept that.

Diane, she's... She's
reaching out. Please.

Dr. Crane, I'm sorry

if I made a bad
first impression.

But I think... no, I know it
was a wrong impression.

I may be a diamond
in the rough now,

but I'm a dreamer.

And I have a habit of
making dreams come true.

When and if I
marry frasier crane,

I will be the kind
of wife and family

you'll be proud
to know and claim.

Why, people will get
tired of hearing you boast

about your daughter-in-law.

Diane, I see I've
handled this so badly.

Well, yes.

I...

I suppose I've made
a few mistakes myself.

Oh, let's go out
and come in again.

I'd love to.

This is the most incredible
moment of my entire day.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take you
two future best pals out

to the finest lunch in town.

Oh, sounds good.

Ok.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Do do do do!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

I need a glass of water.

You two, you go ahead.
I'll catch up with you.

Oh!

That's ok. It's free of charge.

I understand you used
to date that woman.

I want to know how
much you'd charge

to start things up again.

You don't have enough money.

How would you know?

There isn't enough money.

I know what you mean.

No, I don't think you do.

I think I do.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Oh, no.