Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 20 - Someone Single, Someone Blue - full transcript

"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Good night, Dan.

Be careful going home now, huh?

Boy, that guy sure chewed
your ear off there, coach.

Yeah, but what a nice guy, Sam.

Hey. You know something?
That's the first person I ever met

that was actually
on the Titanic, Sam.

He survived the Titanic?

I forgot to ask.

Coach, why didn't
you call me over?

I would've loved to
have heard that story.



Well, gee, Sam, I
figured you'd heard it.

A big boat, it hit an iceberg.

Bang. Down it went.

Listen. From now
on when you hear

an interesting story
like that, call me over.

It's one of the
joys of bartending.

You want to hear interesting, for
get the Titanic. Come over here.

Glen, Glen, tell him
what you told me earlier.

Go ahead.

Yeah. What? What?

I know all the words

to the "bonanza" theme song.

Go ahead. Let him hear it.

♪ We got a right ♪



♪ to pick a little
fight, bonanza ♪

♪ if anyone fights
any one of us ♪

♪ he's gotta fight with me ♪

♪ we're not one to settle
up and run, bonanza ♪

♪ any one of us
starts a little fight ♪

♪ knows he can trust on me ♪

♪ 144-441, yes, we guarantee ♪

♪ 144-441... ♪

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Howdy, sports fans.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

What'll it be, norm?

Fame, fortune, fast women.

Yeah? How about a beer?

Even better.

Ooh!

How's the search
for work going, norm?

I got good news.

Everybody, I'm no
longer looking for a job.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

I'm now begging for one.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Ha!

I don't believe this.

What now?

That was my mother on the phone.

She just flew into town,

and she's coming over here.

No kidding. Hey. We
finally get to meet her, huh?

This is very strange.

That you have a mother?

No.

That you have a mother
that wants to see you?

No. That's she's
coming over here.

I didn't think mummy
would caught dead

in a place like this.

What, are we too
grungy or something?

Yeah, yeah. Inside an
hour ago, I'm in the tub.

You're taking this
all too personally,

and you shouldn't.

It's just that mummy
doesn't like bars.

Well, bars can be
very sad places.

Some people spend
their whole lives in a bar.

Just yesterday, some guy
sat right here next to me

for 11 hours.

What kind of life is that, huh?

It's pitiful, you know?

The sad thing is you know
that guy's sitting in a bar

somewhere right
now drinking a beer,

going on and on about nothing.

Diane, if your mom is
anything like you are,

everybody is going to love her.

Well, she's nothing like I am.

She's very eccentric,

a little hard to take at times.

Oh, yeah, worlds apart.

Yeah, uh... Hey, Diane,

if your mother's so rich,
how come you're not?

I didn't want that money.

I didn't want to go through life

being handed
money on a silver tray.

See you.

Thank you!

Nice!

There she is, my little baby.

Mummy!

Hello, darling.

They didn't even
get near each other.

How could anyone
miss Diane's mouth?

So, this is a bar.

Yes. This is where I work.

Um, let me
introduce you, mother.

This is Sam, who wouldn't think

of saying anything embarrassing

in front of my mother,

so he wisely
says nothing at all.

How do you do?

Hi. This is Carla tortelli.

She says even less than
Sam, and she's very, very busy.

And down there we have
Norman, his friend cliff.

They lost their
tongues in the war.

Oh, Ernie pantuso, but
you can call him coach.

Or you can call me by
my other nickname... red.

Red? Yeah.

During his playing
days, his teammates

used to call him red.

Because your hair was red?

No, ma'am. Because
I read a book.

He's very sweet,
though. Very sweet.

I just want to say it's nice to
finally meet you, Mrs. Chambers.

It's nice to meet you, Sam.

Diane's told me about you.

You're almost as handsome

as she says you think you are.

There's a compliment in
there some place, I'm sure.

It's very nice of you
to come all this way.

I thought so, too, but you
know what tomorrow is?

No. What?

It's your wedding day.

Congratulations.

My what?

If you're not married
before tomorrow,

I lose my share of
your father's estate.

My god. Why?

Darling, you see, when he died,

you were still a
little gawky girl,

I mean, with your nose in a book

and a terrible facial tic.

Your father was...

Your father was worried

that you would never find a mate

and that you would
have a lonely life.

So he made me promise

that I would have you married

10 years after the day he died.

He even put it in his will.

So if you're still
single, I'm cut off.

But why have you waited
all this time to tell me.

Father's been dead for 10 years.

You know how time
flies when you're having...

Grief.

Grief. Grief.

So if I'm not married by
tomorrow, you'll be broke.

Oh, put your mind at
ease. I'll never be broke.

I'll either be rich or dead.

The choice is yours.

Mother, you're seriously
asking me to get married?

My attorneys have assured me

that it need be in name only

and just for a few days.

There's no other way.

This is the craziest
thing father ever did.

Not even close, dear.

Excuse me, madam,

I dropped the
bags off at the hotel.

Thank you, boggs.

Nice to see you, boggs.

I'd be honored if you'd
consent to be my wife.

I said in a pinch, boggs.

Now wait over there.

Yes, madam.

Darling, think hard.
There's so little time.

Don't you know anyone
who'd be willing to marry you

for a few days?

Well, I'm afraid there's no one

that I'm steadily
dating at the moment.

Excuse me, uh...

Rich lady.

I couldn't help
overhearing your problems.

Your daughter has a hot
thing for the bartender.

I do not!

She likes red?

But he's dumb enough
to be your father.

Not him. Sam.

I care nothing...
I feel nothing...

Sam who?

Come off it. We've all
noticed the way you two go

around looking at each
other like lovesick cows.

Admit it.

He's got you steaming
under the silks.

This happens to be my mother.

That's why I'm being delicate.

Diane, is this true?

How about the two of you?

I'd rather marry boggs.

I could make you very happy.

I'm sorry, boggs.

That's just a figure of speech.

Thank you, miss.

Diane, he's not a
bad-looking fellow.

His Cologne's an
affront to society,

but what harm
would it do to ask?

Mother, no.

Darling, please.

I wish I was as
strong as you are,

but I'm not.

Without money, I
don't think I can make it.

All right, I'll ask him. Sam?

What?

May I speak with you
for a moment, please?

Um...

Uh, well, I might as well
just come to the point.

That would be nice.

Would you be
willing to marry me?

Boy, this Cologne
must be doing its stuff.

Uh...

You see...

My very eccentric father

put a very strange
clause into his will

providing that if I'm not
married by tomorrow,

my mother will become destitute.

So if you and I
could get married

just long enough to
satisfy the attorneys,

it would really help her out,

and I would consider it a favor.

I'd consider it a joke, Diane.

Marriage and me do not mix.

No, no. It's not marriage.

It's only a business
arrangement.

Just for couple of days,
and then we'll get divorced.

Listen, I've been
married before.

You haven't.

Just take my word on this,

marriage changes people.

There's not a woman in
the world can stand up there,

hear those words, and
not start believing it.

Well, that's a very
sexist thing to say.

No, no, no. It's not sexist

because there's not a
man that can resist it either.

Why, Sam, that's a very
romantic thing to say.

Yeah. Yeah, but
the difference is

with men they get
over it in an hour.

With women, it kind
of goes on for years.

If you're worried about me,

I am only doing
this for my mother.

Right.

I promise that I will not feel
any emotions toward you.

I learned long ago

never to trust anybody
wearing a wedding gown,

especially a woman, so just...

Forget I asked.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Never mind, never mind.

I'm sorry, mummy. He said no.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, hell.

Ok, Diane.

Ok, what?

Ok, we'll... Get married.

Really?

Yeah. You bet.

Oh! Mr. Malone, how wonderful!

You're both wonderful!

Thank you very much.

I'm still rich.

I'll get the justice.

Come along, boggs.

Thank you for
changing your mind.

You're welcome.

I wanted to help out.

What you're doing is very noble.

Well, thank you.

Where do you want to
go on our honeymoon?

I should have known.

As usual, Mr. Malone has
his brains caught in his zipper.

Is this the first wedding
ever in cheers coach?

Nope. Frankie Flaherty
got married in this bar, norm.

Yeah. Yep.

He met Janet right
down there at that corner,

proposed to her right
here, right in front of me,

they got married over there,

had their first fight
up by the piano,

she caught him in the
poolroom with a woman,

shot him dead in the alley.

Whoa! That's an
incredible story.

Really.

Want to know where he's buried?

Where?

He ain't. He's cremated.

Thank god.

Here's his ashes.

Ohh!

We've got the license.

So what took you so long?

I thought while I was
there, I'd paid my water bill

and register my bicycle.

You know what they're asking
for a bicycle license nowadays?

Sam, shut up.

Sorry, dear.

I'd like to introduce you

to Mr. Harrison Fiedler,

a justice of the peace

who will perform the ceremony.

Hi, just. Hi, just.

We need witnesses.

Yup. Every accident
needs some witnesses.

Sammy, Sam, please. I'd
be proud to be your best man.

I'm honored, coach. Thank you.

You know, the day
Diane walked in here,

I knew two of you were
gonna get together, Sam?

Coach, this is just temporary.

Oh, I knew that, too.

Tell me how come
you never got married?

Well, norm, coach...

It's unfair to ask a woman

to be the wife of a mailman.

Watching them get
up every morning,

strapping on that old mailbag,

going out and hitting
those mean streets,

never knowing whether
he's coming back or not.

Yeah right.

Somewhere out there

is a beagle with
your name on it, right?

Excuse me. I think
we should begin.

Are you ready, Mr. Fiedler?

Oh, I'm ready. May
I have the license?

The groom's name is "schwinn"?

That's my bicycle license.

Excuse me.

Diane, do you think we
could lose the aprons?

The aprons.

Carla, the apron.

Gee. Didn't know it was
going to be this for-mal.

Are you ok?

I'm fine, fine.

Just a business arrangement.

I do appreciate it for
mummy's sake, though.

You're welcome.

Just remember, no emotions.

If I feel anything romantic,

I will run screaming
from the room.

And I will clear a path for you.

Would the bride and groom
come forward, please?

We are gathered here

in the presence
of these witnesses

for the purpose of
uniting in matrimony

Diane chambers and Sam Malone.

The contract of
marriage is most solemn

and not to be
entered into lightly,

but thoughtfully and seriously

and with a deep realization

of its obligations
and responsibilities.

Any two people who
have come to this point

clearly feel the love
and joy that they find

in one another...

Can surmount whatever
obstacles lie in their path.

Sam, do you take...

Do you mind?

What?

Never mind. I'm
sorry. Please go on.

Sam, do you take this woman...

What did I do?

I saw the leer.

Leer? Oh, come on, Diane.

Oh, please, please.

Please go on. I'm sorry.

Sam, do you take this woman

to be your lawfully...

She's a customer in my bar.

I smiled, that's all. Go on.

She's a woman.

Well, I'll be darned. So she is.

To have and to hold
from this time forward...

It was just a look.

Oh, just a look?

This is just a look.

This is what you did.

Can we get on with the ceremony?

To have and to hold...

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

What's the big deal here?

You're beginning to sound
like my wife or something.

Excuse me. We
are getting married.

I may not be asking for 50 years

of love, honor, and obey,

but it would be nice

if, during the ceremony,
you didn't drool.

Boy, you know, you
really are demanding.

I don't understand why you're
trying to make me so crazy.

I don't understand why you
have chosen this moment

to demonstrate to every
one your utter lack of class.

Hey. Look. I'm the
one doing you the favor.

Don't do me any favors.

Children, please...

Just butt out, mom.
I'm beginning to think

this is the stupidest
thing I ever did.

Stupidest thing? There is no
stupidest thing you ever did.

Everything you
do is equally stupid.

Including not throwing
you out of here

the minute I saw
your stupid face!

Sam, do you have the ring?

Shut up! Hey. Shut up!

All right. That's it.

We're making a
mockery of marriage,

and it's all my fault.

There'll be no wedding here,

not between the two of you.

Fine. Fine.

I hate your guts,
and I always will.

Well, that goes double for me.

I understand they
wrote their own vows.

You know,

30 minutes ago, I
was a wealthy woman,

and now I can't
pay for these drinks.

Don't worry about it.
The drinks are on me.

I don't want your charity,

and I don't want your pity,

but I will take your money.

Well, if it hadn't
been for dear old dad

and his strange
clause in the will,

you would never have
been in this predicament.

Now, darling, you mustn't
think ill of your father.

He was concerned.
He loved you very much.

You know that, don't you?

Yes, I guess I do.

In his strange way,

I think he loved me, too.

Unfortunately, he
loved a good joke more.

Spencer, wherever
you are tonight,

I hope you're frying.

You two are still here, huh?

We'll lock up.

How are you getting home?

Um, how are we
getting home, mummy?

Oh, boggs is waiting
outside to drive us.

I'm sorry about this afternoon.

I'm sorry, too.

I told you weddings
do weird things to me.

Well, I must admit I got
a little swept away myself.

I think I owe you an
apology, too, Mrs. Chambers.

I'm sorry.

What I asked you
to do was unfair.

Are you all right?

Actually, I...

I'm really quite afraid.

Afraid of what, mummy?

I'm afraid of being poor.

I was poor before
I met your father,

and it took me
years to really forget

how being poor felt.

Excuse me, madam.
Could I have a word?

What is it, boggs?

I heard of your tragedy.

I'd be honored if you'd
consent to be my wife.

It's too late for that, boggs.

No. I meant you, madam.

Why, boggs...

Have you lost your mind?

I mean, I've only
accepted your familiarity

over the years

because I was afraid
of class warfare.

I am aware of that.

However, in view
of the developments

in the last half an hour,

our stations have, shall we say,

grown a little closer?

Now, then, boggs...

Madam...

It so happens

I have a considerable sum
of money stashed away.

Really?

Where did you get it, boggs?

From you and yours, madam.

I've been embezzling
from your family

for close to a
quarter of a century.

Why, boggs, how clever of you.

Exactly how much
money do you have?

As I recall my Emily post,

a lady does not
ask her chauffeur

how much he stole
from her dead husband.

Let us just say, I
am very comfortable.

Shall we go to dinner

and talk about the future?

Bon appetit.

You know, boggs...

I must confess...

I've always found
the back of your head

enormously attractive.

I sensed it, madam.

Uh, would you do
me a favor, madam?

What's that?

Would you drive?

Oh...

Kinky.