Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 19 - Pick a Con... Any Con - full transcript

The gang at the bar has found out that a seemingly sweet older bar patron, George Wheeler, has been hustling the Coach out of money for months, to the tune of $8,000. Sam thinks that the only person who can beat George at his own game is Harry the Hat. Apparently Harry knows George aka Eddie the Mole and suggests getting back through the Mole's weak point, that being poker. But if Harry knows the Mole, who's conning who...

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

[Humming]

You're in a pretty
good mood tonight.

Why not?

Last night I was up
till 2:00 in the morning

finishing off kierkegaard.

I hope he thanked you for it.

I see the coach and
George are still at it.

Yeah, it's kind of fun.

They enjoy each other's company.

It's nice to have someone
your own age to spend time with.



You've been through
the same fads,

you've seen the same films,

you don't have
to explain things.

There's a real comfort in that.

It's too bad we're
not closer in age.

Isn't it?

However, six or seven
years really isn't that much.

Gee, I would have
thought eight or nine.

I find older men stimulating.

I hope you're not
talking about mean me.

Certainly not.

You're not the
least bit stimulating.

Hey, listen, seriously, I would
not worry about your age.

You're obviously young enough



to bring that
kierkegaard fellow home.

Do you two think that you
could put your glands on hold

long enough to get
some work done here?

♪ Making the way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪

You win again, George.

I just had all the
cards today, coach.

You'll get me tomorrow.

You bet I will.

Take it easy, pal.

Always do.

See you, pal. So long.

See you, folks!

Good night, George!

Sam, can I borrow
20 bucks till payday?

You bet.

Ooh, boy, was that George hot!

I didn't know you
played for money.

Wow! Every day for months.

How many games have you won?

If I had to guess,
let me see, uh...

None.

None?

Sam, I've been right
in there every game.

Oh, coach, that guy's a hustler.

Come on, Carla, George
and me, we're like pals.

Hey, that's how they
operate. Trust me.

We're only playing for fun.

How much fun have you lost?

About 8 grand.

8 grand?

Oh, coach.

Wait a minute. That's spread
over since last February.

Look, damn it, don't
you see what he's doing?

I man, Carla's right.

He's taking you for
everything you got.

I... I can't believe it.

Sam, you're at least six or
seven years older than I am.

Wait a second, please. We
just discovered that George

has been hustling coach
for a lot of money here.

George? That sweet,
white-haired gentleman?

Yeah. Piffle.

No, Diane, it's true.

Gee, Sam, isn't there anything
we can do about it? Anything?

I got it.

We beat him up, strip
him, take his money,

and put him on a bus.

Subtle, Carla.

Hey, that's how I got to Boston.

I just had the worst
idea I've ever had.

Worse than hiring her?

I just had the second
worst idea I've ever had.

Remember Harry?

Ohh! No!

Come on, maybe he could
help us out here a little bit.

You mean that hustler

you're always
throwing out of here?

Sam! That's like calling spinoza

to settle an argument

between Nietzsche
and schopenhauer.

She's got a point there, Sam.

Look, I think it's a
mistake to trust Harry.

Now, come on, look,
George is a con man,

Harry is a con man.

What's the saying...
"send a thief to..."

"To camp for the summer." Right.

I don't even know where
to find him? Do you know...

I know exactly where he is.

In jail, like he always is.

You sure?

In Boston, please,
for the city jail.

You sure you don't
mind me doing this?

No, no, go ahead.

I use information to
get numbers all the time.

Hey, coach.

Cliff: Uh-oh.

Hi, Harry.

Hey, Harry.

Here's the 10 bucks I'm gonna
owe you in about 5 minutes,

all right?

Thanks.

Hey, coach. Where's Sam?

He'll be out in a minute, Harry.

Want to play for a drink?

Not a chance, Harry. No way.

Don't show fear.

He smells fear.

Cliff!

Harry.

You feel lucky?

Uh, sure, why?

I'll tell you what,
I'll bet you a dime

I can drink that drink

without touching the hat.

Ha ha ha. A dime, huh?

Uh, ok. You're on.

Ok, you'll love this.

Glub! Glub! Glub!
Glub! Glub! Glub!

Ahh!

It's gone.

Heh heh heh, yeah.

Hey, you know
something about that?

Anybody can do that.

Oh, yeah?

I can do that.

No.

A dime.

A dime.

Coach, another shot, please.

The dime says I
can drink the old shot

without touching
the ol' chapeau.

Are you ready?

[Mumbles]

Glub! Glub! Glub!
Glub! Glub! Glub!

Ahh!

Ok, that baby's gone.

Nah!

Yes.

That's great, cliff.

That's worth a dime.

Hey, you can laugh, norm,

but at least I got
my money back.

5 bucks for the booze, cliffo.

Thanks, cliff.

Yeah. Anytime, Harry.

What's the matter?

If we gave as much
money to the space program

as they have to that guy,

we'd have condos on Venus.

Thank you for coming.
Can I get you a drink?

For free is too easy.

All right, let's
go sit over there.

Coach, you want
to join us, please.

Carla, you got the bar.

Oh, she always
gets to watch the bar.

Diane, you may have the bar.

Oh, goody.

[Clang]

Diane has the bar.

Yes?

I need a bloody Mary.

A bloody Mary coming up.

Where do we keep the Mary?

The bartender's guide.

Bloody...

"The bloody Mary.

"There's nothing like
a fresh bloody Mary

"to start any day.

"This is a traditional favorite

"served with lunch, brunch,

"and often is the hair
of the dog that bit you.

Its colorful name
derives from..."

Make the drink!

That's Eddie the mole.

He's from Phoenix. They
call him mole man or moley.

In Philly they call him sid.

Sid? Sid?

Philly's a dull town.

So what you're saying here
is he's pretty well-known?

Any bird-dogger knows him.

He runs paper and
cubes mainly in the crib

but sometimes right
up against the wall.

Puts on a straight-up-guy
kind of front,

then grinds away slow

with coolers and hop toads.

Real rip-and-tear kind of stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Sounds like him.

It seems to me he got in trouble

with the boys I Vegas last year.

He's been keeping
kind of a low profile.

Could be him. A lot
of those guys lay low

by making small
money off dumb saps.

So, where do I come in?

Sam, excuse me.

Where do you keep
the measuring spoons?

We don't have any.

What?

"Precise measurements

"are one of the keys to
a good drink." Page 12.

Serving it the same
day it's ordered

is right up there, too.

Carla, I...

Hey, girls, please, please.

Come on, Harry.

You got anything?
You got any ideas?

Well, I think you
need a poker game.

The mole is not known for poker.

Why don't you call
him up and tell him

you have a little game
going here at closing, ok?

Now, that makes you the roper.

You bring him into the game.

How do we know that he brings
enough money to cover coach's losses?

Don't worry about that. The
guys always carry a big roll.

They got to be ready for action.

Now, you, Sam, you promote this

as a friendly neighborhood game.

You're the inside man.

I'm with you so far.

Ok, now I'm gonna
need a bankroll.

You just lost me.

If you don't stake me,

it doesn't go down.

I need about 5 grand.

5 grand! Are you kidding me?

This whole thing's
getting out of hand.

Sam, please.

Please, Sam.

All right, I'll be the, uh...

What do you call the guy
who brings the money?

Call him the guy
who brings the money.

All right.

One other thing, Sam.

I appreciate this.

It's all right. I appreciate
getting bailed out.

Besides, I don't like the idea of
somebody else plucking my pigeons.

See ya.

Thanks, Sam.

"A dash of pepper."

Lot of ingredients in
a bloody Mary, Sam.

Yeah, I know.

That's why we usually
mix up 5 gallons

and put it in the
refrigerator beforehand.

How come you're
doing this, Carla?

Why did you let her do it?

I wanted to see her
try and make vodka.

Closing time.

Hey, Sammy, uh, let
me get this straight here.

Now, whatever we
lose, we'll get back, right?

That's right.

Great. I love to
gamble without risk.

Oh, Sam, would you mind
if I stay and watch? No.

I promise, I promise I won't
ask a bunch of dumb questions.

You won't even know I'm here.

Ok.

So why poker?

Why not crazy
eights? Why not chess?

Why don't I shut
up like I said I would.

I always get this way when
I'm nervous, you know?

Sam, what can I do to stop?

I know what to do with
hiccups or something,

but with runaway
chatter, it's...

Hello, everyone!

[Muffled]

Hey, George!

I understand you fellas

have a little poker
game going tonight?

Yeah, some of us get
together every once in a while.

Coach thought you
might like to sit in.

I haven't played poker in years.

I just hope I don't
embarrass myself.

Embarrass yourself?

You're playing poker
with a bunch of guys

who can't bet and chew
gum at the same time.

We got an extra
chair here, Harry,

if you want to sit in.

Me?

Well, I've heard

that poker can be a
pleasant diversion...

If it doesn't get too intense.

Aren't you playing, coach?

Not me, George. Gin's my game.

O.k. Minimum buy-in is $500.

Let's see some money, gentlemen.

Boy, you're pretty good.

Lucky tonight.

Yeah, real lucky, huh, Harry.

Your bet, cliff.

Uh, ok, I'll see that 50,

and I'll raise you... Let's see.

I'll raise you 100
foreign commemoratives.

You can't bid stamps.

Uh, I'll fold then.

Up to you, norm.

The lord hates a coward.

I'll see the 50 and raise $300.

You're bluffing.

You're right. I'm out.

I'll raise 500.

Too rich for my blood.

I'm calling you, George.

Looks like it's my
night, huh, boys?

Hey, Harry, maybe we
ought to get out of the game.

What for?

Oh, no reason. No reason.

You lost most of
the money I put in.

George has got all the cards,

and you're playing lousy.

Everything's fine.

I'm toying with him,

giving him a false
sense of security.

I think you're giving him a
genuine sense of security.

Hey, fellas! Let's
play cards, huh?

Yeah, ok.

Straight to the Jack.

Damn it!

What the hell happened?

I lost.

No kidding! You lost
everything I put in there!

Why didn't you cheat?

I mean, that was the
whole point, wasn't it?

Sam, I ran every gaff I know,

and he beat me, all
right? He beat me.

I don't know what to say
to you except I'm sorry.

I'm going to wash up.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's been a pleasure.

Sam, could I ask you
a question? What?

Does four of a
kind beat a straight?

Yeah, of course.

Then why didn't Harry
throw in these four 3s?

What time is it getting to be?

George, hang on a second.

What's going on here?

Nothing. I'm just going home.

Well, maybe not, maybe not.

You and Harry concocted this
whole deal this afternoon, right?

What do you do now?

You go outside and
split up the winnings?

Of course not.

Then you wouldn't mind if
we just take our money back.

Try anything,

and I'll tell the police
about this poker game.

You could lose
your liquor license.

You must have
done this before, huh?

Look, George, you
made a fool out of me,

and you can keep
my money, it's ok.

I just want all my friends
here to get their money back,

every penny,

you understand,
George, every penny?

I'm not giving you
any of my money back.

Well, what if we cut
up Harry's share, huh?

You know, that's
not such a bad idea.

You could play
him again, beat him,

and give us our money back.

Well, I never did like the guy.

I'll challenge him
to another game.

Well, you think
you can beat him?

Of course I can.

I can have three queens in
my hand at any given time.

All I need to know is
when he can't beat that.

You mean a sign? Yeah.

Sam, please let
me give the sign.

Sam, all this trouble's
on account of me.

Please, let me give
the sign, please.

I don't know. I mean,

it's kind of tricky, isn't it?

He is the last person

Harry would figure being
in on anything clever.

Just don't screw it up!

Come here, coach.

Now, give your sign

the first time Harry
can't beat three queens.

Three queens.

Now, what's the sign?

Uh, let me see.

I'll rub my nose like this...

It's the old bunt sign. Got it.

N-n-n-n.

Ok, good night, everybody.

George, you need
a ride downtown?

Afraid they're on to us, Harry.

On to what?

They figured out
our little prank.

Come on, Sam.

Times are hard, you know?

A guy's got to do what he can.

Harry, I was never
much of a team player...

Especially with
Boston small-timers.

Why don't you and me
play a little one-on-one...

For the whole jackpot?

You know, mole,

I was never too impressed
by Arizona hustlers,

except they got good sinuses.

Hey.

You're on.

Mind if I deal?

No.

What's the game?

Five-card draw, no limit.

Here's your half.

Fine.

Ante's a yard.

What?

$100. Pay attention.

Gee.

I'll bet 2.

It's covered.

What do you need?

One.

Dealer takes one.

George, did you see that?

Yes, I did, coach.

I scratched my nose
because it was itchy.

Right. I saw you do that.

It was really itchy, George!

That's why you scratched it.

Exactly.

Hey, stimulating
conversation, huh?

We playing cards, or what?

It's George's bet.

Harry, let's stop
fooling around.

Now I'm going into
my private stash.

10 grand.

Oh, I like those socks.

Covered.

Three little ladies.

Four 3s?

That can't be.

Seeing is believing, mole.

Why did you make the bet?

Because you scratched
your nose, you idiot!

But I told you why I
scratched my nose!

Ok, that does it.

Harry, I never want to see you
come through that door again!

Don't worry, Malone, you won't.

You caused me to lose
a fortune, you old fool!

You're a stupid,
blundering moron

who deserves to lose his money!

Ooh.

What a night.

I don't believe the
whole thing happened.

I feel so...

Used.

Come on. What are you doing?

Aw, Sammy, I think he's snapped.

Coach.

Ha ha ha!

He's laughing.

What are you laughing at?

That!

One born every
minute, huh, coach?

We did it, Harry!

There's your money!

Now who wants to
play double or nothing?

You little...

You had George conned

that the two of you
were working together,

while all along it
was you and coach.

You're not even close!

Yeah, he is.

That's it exactly.

Come on.

Everybody, coffee's on me!

All right, coach!

So only you and
coach knew about this.

Why didn't you
let us in on it, huh?

I didn't think you were
bright enough to pull it off.

I still don't like you.

Hey, Harry.

Hey, you, uh...

You feeling lucky tonight?

What have you got in mind?

A game of chance.

A simple cut of the cards.

What are the stakes?

If I win...

I get to go to bed with you.

What if I win?

You get to go to bed with me.

Forget it.

I understand. You, uh...

You'd rather earn it.