Charmed (1998–2006): Season 8, Episode 9 - Hulkus Pocus - full transcript

Leave him alone, or I'm gonna call the cops.

Don't bother. That's where
he's headed already.

You're a parole officer?

Previously, on "Charmed"

Still trying to figure you out.

Why?

Because I can't. That's why.

I do like a challenge, though.

It's just so complicated, you know?

I find this guy, this great guy,

and then the spell
and the premonitions just...



mess everything up.

The night my sister was taken...

That was the last time I ever saw her.

Agent Murphy, Homeland Security.

You want to know more about
who we are and what we do.

- We'll tell you.
- And help you out with a few cases along the way.

If you help us.

Sounds like we found him.

Yeah, but what's it doing at magic school?

What do you mean?
This place is demon central.

And it's beating up other demons.
That's not what krycheks do.

Yeah, but they also don't attack gnomes
and leprechauns, but this one did.

Something's not right.
It doesn't make sense.

Yeah, well, what doesn't make sense
is that we are tracking this thing.



And what does the government want
with this demon anyway?

That will be the first thing
I'm gonna ask Agent Murphy when...

we figure out what's going on.

Uh...

That thing's a krychek?

How is that possible?

Who cares? Just vanquish it.

I already tried, and Agent Murphy
wants us to bring the thing back.

I'm not bringing that thing back.

Go, go, go!

Charmed 809
"Hulkus Pocus"

Greatouille, Launka, Ronanasplit, Lucile76,
Demonclem, Chryssie, Titelilie, Kiff, Guix

See, this is what a krychek demon
is supposed to look like.

Well, maybe the one you guys
were following was just a bigger one.

No, this wasn't just bigger. This was like
going from you to Schwarzenegger.

That's so weird.

Yeah. Scary weird.

- Oh, good. You found the skis.
- Yeah.

They're kind of old, though. Maybe
we should just rent new ones, you know?

Ow! Damn it.

Watch your language. Wyatt is picking up
everything we say lately.

I'm gonna get some more coffee.
You guys want anything?

No, thanks.

- You OK with those?
- Yes. I got these.

Why don't you finish packing.
I wanna miss traffic, OK?

I know. I'm gonna. I just...

I need to talk to Agent Murphy first
about this demon of his.

- Piper...
- I can't just let it go, can I?

Yes, you can. When was the last time
we had a weekend together alone?

I know. And I promise nothing is gonna stop
that from happening. I promise.

But I just kind of need
to talk to him first.

But why can't Billie talk to Murphy?

Because I cannot find Billie

anywhere. She's not answering.

Maybe we could just get her a pager.

Well, just keep trying.

Oh. Paige.

Henry called for you last night.

Why? What did he want?

Uh, I don't know, but
I'm pretty sure he wants you.

- That's ridiculous.
- Why,

- don't you like him?
- No.

Really. Then why is your face turning red?

It's not turning red. I probably just
put too much blush on.

It's kind of turning red.

OK, why don't you and me go see
what the government's not telling us,

and I'll be right back, I swear.

Hey, don't you have a lunch date?

I cancelled. I'm taking a little hiatus.

- From lunch?
- From men.

OK. Come on, Billie.

Curious. Very curious.

He still attacked me.

Why can't I have my revenge?

Because Margoyle wants
to find out how he transformed,

why he became so powerful.

I don't care.

I can't let a lower-level demon
get away with...

You can and you will, Emrick.

Otherwise, Margoyle will attack you.

I didn't do that.

Who are you?

Me?

Um... I'm a student

here at magic school.

Yeah, you know, I must've got stuck
in an astral plane or something.

Did you guys possibly redecorate? Uh!

Move, and you're dead. Understand?

What do you want?

What I want is to find the demon
that took my sister 15 years ago.

But since you and your buddies
trashed this place,

I can't find the books that I need.

So you're gonna have to find him for me.

Her name is Christy. Christy Jenkins.
Ask around.

I'll be back.

Ah. Billie. Finally.

Hi. How you doing?

- Henry, what are you doing here?
- I need your help.

The baby's mom got sent to prison.

I've got until the end of the day
to find his dad

or he's gonna get put into the system.

And you're telling me this, why?

'Cause I need you to watch him for me.

Oh, no. I don't do babies.
Nope. Sorry. Nope.

I tried calling.

Look, you can't just stop by
and drop a baby in my lap.

Look, you said you were
all about doing good, right?

- Here's your chance.
- No, that's not what I meant.

Do you know how beautiful
your eyes are when you're angry?

Are you trying to charm me?

- You think I'm charming?
- No, I don't.

Look, I'm doing this under the radar, OK?

I can't keep Ramón in my office.
Social services could show up, and they'll take him.

Oh, thank you.

- Here ya go.
- For the record,

- I resent this.
- Yeah. He... he might need to be changed, too.

I owe you.

Ah. Good. You're back.

How did it go?

Not good.

What do you mean?

Where's our demon?

Our demon? Why don't you tell us
a little bit more about our demon?

Like how the government
got him in the first place.

Uh,

I don't really know.

I wasn't in the loop.

Well, you need to get in the loop,
and fast, because our demon

was a little more powerful than
we expected, and I'd like to know why.

Well, I'm sorry, but

I can't tell you what I don't know.

Phoebe,

go get a premonition off him,
see if he's lying.

No, I can't.

What do you mean you can't?
Just go touch him.

Seriously, I can't.

I don't really believe in them anymore.

What do you mean?

Well, they haven't really worked well for me lately,
so why should I listen to them?

That's not true.

- Oh, really? Do I look pregnant to you?
- Ladies,

- did you get...
- Hold it.

I realize why you feel this way,
and I understand.

But you can't give up on your gift.

My gift gave up on me.

- That is not true.
- Guys. Hey.

Did you or didn't you get the demon back?

Well, that was the objective.

Are you kidding me? We barely wounded it.

So you still got to go get him.

Dude, are you deaf?

What did you guys do to that thing?

I have no idea. OK?

I swear.

But if we don't get it off the streets,

we all could get exposed.

There's the "e" word again.

Hey, where've you been?

Class.

Oh, really? I've been trying
to call you all morning.

Well, my cell phone died.

Oh, yeah? OK. Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.
- So, um,

it's a great baby there. Is it yours?

Forget the baby, OK?

Where were you?

Look, I've been handling
this whole demon load just fine,

so what I do on my own time,
it's my business.

You know what?
You're doing the bratty thing,

which means that yo are probably doing
something you shouldn't be doing.

Did you go to magic school?

Yeah. Yes. OK, but there's information there
on my sister, so what do you expect?

I expect you to be available
when we need you.

That is the whole point of us teaching you.

Well, I'm not a doctor, OK?
I can't be available 24/7.

Yes, actually, you can.

Because you weren't around,
I'm stuck taking care of this baby now.

Nursery!

- Remember me, witch?
- You know him?

Magic school!

OK, so maybe I know him.

Oohh! Can't we just get back
to the freaky demon, please?

Yeah, we can, after I deal with you.

Uh, I don't understand why
you can't just let this go.

Look, I understand your problem
with your premonitions, but

why cancel all your dates?

Because they're me trying
to make my premonitions come true.

So?

Well, so it's not working, OK?
My conception date has come and gone.

OK, Phoebe, it's OK to feel disappointed.

No, I'm not disappointed.
You know? I'm relieved.

- So now you don't want a baby.
- No, of course I do.

I definitely do. Just not right now.

OK. No men. No babies. Just me.

- What's so wrong with that?
- Nothing.

Nothing is wrong with that,
except for the fact that it's not you.

Don't you have a ski trip to get ready for?

What the hell...

Language.

Hi.

What happened?

Um, a demon attacked us.

I guess I kind of ticked him
off at magic school.

Magic school? What were you doing there?

Look, Paige already gave me
the "what were you thinking" speech, so...

So, what were you thinking?

I only went there so I could get
more information on my sister.

I understand you want answers.
We want answers, too.

But that cannot be your primary focus.

Oh, sweetie, you're hurt.

Oh. No, that's just a scratch.

OK, but a hair deeper,
and you would've needed stitches.

Oh, it's not a big deal.
I'm getting used to it.

So Paige thinks the demon did the same
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde that the one at magic school did.

So whatever got him all hulked out,

he was able to track me, which is cool.

I mean, bad cool, but still kind of cool.

So now there's two of them
running around out there?

No. Actually, I saw yours
go poof back at magic school.

He's dead.

Ooh. Murphy'll be excited about that.

Yeah, but why are all these demons
running around on steroids?

It doesn't make sense.

Do you want me to check the books
so you can still go on your trip?

Yeah. Sure. Uh, thanks.

You're still in the doghouse.

- That's not yours.
- That's not mine.

Hi.

Where'd you get the baby?

Oh, Henry, uh, dropped him off with me.

Uh, because...

Because he likes to see me squirm.

No. Apparently, the baby's mom
is in jail and we're trying to find the dad.

Oh, that's very noble of him.

Well, 10 bucks says
he knows where to find him.

I told you she likes him.

Uh, hi, buddy.

- Does he have a name?
- Yeah.

This is Ramón.

So, uh, Billie told us what happened.

I talked to her about it,
but I can't really blame her.

She said the demon looked like a krychek.

Yeah, only in size and in power.

Billie said when she confronted him before,
he wasn't nearly as big.

Did you get anything out of Agent Murphy?

Just that he wants the demon back,
which is kind of disturbing.

Now that Billie saw him die, I don't really
think it's our problem anymore.

I'd still like to know
what's making them so powerful.

Well, I have to get Henry to take
this baby somewhere else because

it is too dangerous around here.
Pheebs, will you watch him for me?

What?

No. I can't. I have stuff
that I have to do.

I mean, you should probably
take him with you, right?

I can't. Social services might
be there waiting to take him.

- Oh, come on. You love babies.
- Yeah, I know. I'm just,

you know, focusing on
other things right now.

You know, I think this is precisely
what you should be focusing on.

Come on. She's got to go to Henry.

I got to go romance my husband.

It's just a baby. It doesn't bite.

Did I miss something?

Nothing.

A lot.

See ya.

Hello.

OK, little one.

Applesauce.

What's happening to me?

You're dying like all the others.

It's happening all over the underworld.

What have you learned?

I'm still studying his...

Studying.

I don't have time for you to study.
I want you to know.

I want to harness this great power
before another overlord does...

without meeting his fate.

At least this one's lived the longest.

He may hold the key to preventing
the power from killing you.

How?

If I can isolate the one cell fragment
in his blood that's causing it.

Margoyle, please.

I just need a little more time.

Time's up.

What do you want, tracker?

Last night I saw The Charmed Ones
attack the krychek.

So?

This morning their new witch
attacked Emrick.

Both demons had the power you seek.

Which means they must be
after the power as well.

Perhaps we should let them find it for us.

Follow them.

- Oh, hi. Hey.
- Hey.

How's the packing going?

Ah, it's great.

2 day trip. Piper thinks
she needs a third suitcase.

Making any progress?

No. There's nothing in this book
that says how to supercharge a demon.

Well, it means none of their ancestors
have confronted anything like it before.

It's just a book of their experiences.

Have you started your own Book of Shadows?

No. Why? Should I?

Yeah. I think every witch should have one.

You can pass it on
from generation to generation.

Oh.

- You OK?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm just a little worried.

You know, about all these demons.

Well, get used to it.

Hey. Are witches and demons
different species?

What?

You know, like dogs and cats, how
they can't get each other sick and stuff.

Uh...

I guess so. Why?

OK. Good. No reason. Have a good trip.

Thanks, if we ever get there.

Well, if we check employment records,
we're at least gonna know where he worked last.

I mean, he has to feed himself, right?

He needs some food.

Bring me that file then.

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey.

Yeah, you have it. I don't have it.
Just bring it here.

Is everything OK? Where's the baby?

Ramón is fine. He's with my sister.

But you know, you've got to find
another place for him to stay.

Why? What's wrong with your place?

It's just not a good place
for him to be right now.

- Why not?
- It just isn't.

More secrets, huh?

Henry, we barely know each other.

You don't wanna tell me, that's fine.

- It's OK.
- It's not that...

yeah, actually, it is that.

Anyway, can you please find
somewhere else for him to go?

Paige, I can't.

Why not?

Seriously, Paige, if I don't find
the father before social services finds out,

they're gonna stick Ramón in a foster home.

They will do that.

Well, you know, I mean, sometimes

foster homes aren't all that bad.

It was for me.

You were in a foster home?

Look,

I just need a little more time, OK?

I know I can find the father.
He used to be a parolee of mine.

- Was the mom, too?
- Yeah.

But the dad, he turned out great.
I mean, he straightened out his act, and...

the problem is, I don't think
he even knows he has a kid.

- Are you sure it's his?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, she told me.

Ramón's the one thing
she wouldn't lie about,

but I've been showing these pictures
all around where he used to hang and

just nobody knows anything.

Hey. Got those
employment records you wanted.

Ah.

You did have enough. This is what I wanted.

OK, uh, well, I'm gonna go.

The sooner you can find him, the better.

- Paige.
- Yeah?

Thanks.

You're welcome.

What are you looking at?

You sure you need all this stuff?

Yes.

Just so you know, I know what you're trying
to do, and it's not gonna work.

OK, just so you know, I know what
you're trying to do, and I will be relentless.

I just wanna stop him from fussing,
that's all.

Phoebe, come on,
you're a natural with babies.

Not right now I'm not.

For crying out loud,
he's probably just hungry.

Just take down take him down
to the kitchen and heat up a bottle.

That's a good plan.

Here you go.

No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no.

Wait, wait, wait. Phoebe, no. Don't...

- Damn it.
- Language.

Yeah, sure. Now you stop fussing.

Talk about a natural.

Yes, and I have the stretch marks
to prove it, thank you.

What am I gonna do with Phoebe?

Worry about it when you get home.

Hey, what's the big deal?
She takes a little break from dating.

The big deal is, it's not who she is.

The woman is a love machine.
And if she gives up on men,

something is very, very wrong.

And I know it's just that
she's lost faith in her premonitions.

So making her watch a baby
is gonna make it better?

Look, I'm working with what I've got.

Hi. Maybe we should just stay.

Oh, for god sakes.

Here. Take this. Take this.
Take this. Stay here.

No, Piper. It's Billie.

No, don't. You might blow her up.

OK, blow her up.

I don't know what happened.

I mean, one second
she was helping me warm up the milk,

and the next, she was throwing me
around here like a rag doll.

What happened? Another demon attack?

Not another demon. It's Billie.

That's Billie? What happened to her?

We don't know.

Where's Ramón?

He's safe. He's with Leo.

Uh, right now we need
to figure out how to help her.

Before she goes poof, too.

Uh, maybe we should call the Elders.

Maybe you're right. I'll go do that.
Um, Paige...

Yeah, I'm gonna get the baby out of here.
I've got a photo of his dad,

so it should take me about
2 seconds to scry for him.

Phoebe, why don't you stay
with Billie here?

OK. Hurry.

We know why you called.

Were you spying on us again?

No. But we know what happened to Billie.

What happened to her is happening
all over the magical community.

We don't know what's causing it yet.

It seems to be some sort of a virus,
and it's spreading fast.

- I don't understand. How is that...
- Possible?

I'm afraid whatever this virus is, Piper,

wherever it came from, it doesn't
discriminate against good or evil.

It can infect all magical creatures,

even you and your sisters.

So what do we do?

We have to find a cure, an antidote.

But before we do that,
we have to find the source first.

How much time does Billie have?

Not long,

although we have learned
that the more powerful you are,

the quicker the virus consumes you.

Hi. Hey.

Paige, what are you doing?
You can't bring him here.

No, it's OK. I found his dad.

- What?
- Yeah. Ernesto.

There. I've got his work number,
his home number, uh,

place where he likes to go have a drink.

Might wanna talk to him
about that, new dad and all.

Whoa, wait, wait.

I don't understand. How did you find him?

I've been looking for him everywhere.

- I have my ways.
- Oh, really.

- Do you care to elaborate?
- No. Not really.

Look, you wanted the baby to have a chance,

and now he has one.

I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything.
My pleasure. OK. I got to go.

Is everything all right?

No, not really. A friend of mine
is in quite a bit of trouble.

Maybe I can help.

It's very sweet of you, but no.

Take care of the baby, OK?

Piper!

Something's happening to Billie!

Oh, no.

"Oh, no" ?

What does "oh, no" mean?

What did the Elders say?

They think it's some kind of virus and that
she must have contracted it from the scratch.

So the demon gave this to her?

If we don't find an antidote soon,

she'll die.

Well, no. I mean, we can't let her die.

There's got to be something we can do.
We can't just do nothing, Piper.

Well, we gotta figure out where
it all started and who it all started from.

Paige, where are you?

What? What happened?

Uh, we got to get to Agent Murphy,
so I'll explain later. Quick, quick.

You can't just...

- what the...
- Locks.

You're not telling us everything,
Agent Murphy, and we're running out of time.

You need to tell us everything
you know about that demon now.

But I've told you everything I know.

See, I don't like that answer.

Are you out of your mind?
This is a federal office.

Listen to me. Whatever you guys
did to that demon created a virus,

a virus that can infect
every magical creature there is.

If we don't find a cure, and soon,
Billie will die. Do you remember Billie?

Cute, blonde, perky? Yeah. She's gonna die.

So we would like some answers, and now.

Paige.

Chair.

Ow!

You're gonna tell us
how this whole thing started,

or the next thing
I'm gonna blow up will be you.

I did some digging after you left.

Look... all right, if I would've known,
I would've told you, but

I wasn't cleared for all the details.

They found the demon in the desert?

Yeah, but it was a fluke and he was injured.

That's the only way
the task force was able to cap it.

Government just wanted to study it,
you know? Learn from it.

I keep seeing the word "injected".
What did they inject him with?

Human blood.

They were just trying to find a way to combine it
with the demon's blood to extract its powers.

Powers? Why?

To inject the serum back into people.

Soldiers.

To make them more powerful?

But it didn't work. When the test subject
didn't react, the project was shut down.

Apparently, when they were deciding
what to do with the demon,

that's when it escaped
from the containment unit.

So now he's out there spreading
the virus that you guys created.

You said the test subject
didn't show any side effects.

No. None.

Where are you going with this?

I'm thinking the test subject's blood probably
holds the antidote we're looking for.

If he was immune to its effects...

Where can we find him?

I don't know. I mean,
he's only referred to here as "patient X".

Like I said, when the experiment
was shut down,

all his records were destroyed.

There has to be something
that we can use to find him.

Well, the only thing I can think of
is this I.D. tag we got here.

But I already scanned the bar code,
and all the information's already been erased.

He could be anywhere.

Thanks.

Wow. I must be pretty bad off if
you're waiting on me hand and foot.

Well, don't get used to it
'cause you're gonna be just fine.

Am I?

I'm dying, aren't I?

No. You are not dying.

Listen. Do you have any idea how many times
I have almost died in the last 7 years?

Yeah, but this is different.

- I'm sorry, I should've listened to you.
- Stop it. It's OK.

We're gonna save you, and we're gonna
save magic while we're at it.

How can you save magic if you don't even
believe in your own anymore?

I heard you talking to Piper.

I'll be right back. I'm gonna
get you some more ice.

How's Billie?

Not good. What'd you guys find out?

It was a government secret experiment.
They mixed things they shouldn't have.

Basically, their demon was
the outbreak monkey that caused all of this.

OK, so if they made it,
then they must have a cure, right?

Well, they don't even know
how they created it.

You don't know that for sure.

For all we know,
this could've been their intention.

Phoebe, it's not a conspiracy.

They just screwed up.

We had a shot at an antidote,
and they screwed that up, too.

What shot?

They injected somebody with
krychek's blood and it had no effect.

OK, then maybe the cure
is in the blood, right?

OK, look, this is all we've got,

and what we don't have is enough time.

We got to find this patient X,

convince him to give us some of his blood
so that we can make an antidote,

fix us, and then fix Billie. Even if we

pool all of our powers together,
we may not have enough time.

Then let's get stronger.

- Let's get Billie to infect us.
- What?

Are you nuts? Phoebe, we could die.

Not if we find the antidote first.

Still, there's no guarantee
it's gonna work. It's very risky.

Yeah.

Tell that to Billie.

Look, I don't see the point of
having powers if we can't use them

to save someone that we care about.

Billie?

Billie. Wake up.

Billie, wake up.

I think we've figured out
a way to save you.

But we're gonna need your help.

- Wait. No. No.
- It's OK. Trust us.

- Should we tell Leo?
- No. I know what he's gonna say.

Come on.

Oh, come on, it won't hurt... much.

How long is that gonna last?

Hopefully, long enough.

I, uh, haven't found an antidote yet.

That's OK. I think we have.

- Holy... crap.
- Language!

- Leave Leo alone!
- He's my husband!

Why did you do that for?

I just felt like it!

Stop it. You guys are gonna kill each other.

How did this happen?

We made it happen.

All right, we have work to do.

Oh, my god.

- Duck!
- Duck?

Get down!

Fireball!

What do you want from me?

We want you to save magic.

And us.

Whoa. Easy. Easy. Slow.

Um... What happened?

Cliff notes version.

We hulked out, kicked ass,
and saved the world.

You know, just another day at the office.

Yeah, I can see that.

Uhh. We got the antidote to the Elders

and everyone is being cured
right now as we speak.

What about the demons?

They got to the antidote, too.

You guys risked yourselves to save me.

Well, we got to keep you around
so you can find your sister, right?

I don't know what to say.

Hmm. You don't have to say anything.

We think of you as part of the family now.

We're not gonna let anything happen to you.

Hey, sunshine. It's good to see
some color in your cheeks.

Yeah, gray and pasty; not your color scheme.

How did it go with Murphy?

Uh, well, he decided we were
a little too difficult to work with,

so I don't think we'll be hearing
from him again anytime soon.

Oh, how rude.

Well, if you guys will excuse me,
I'm gonna go check on little Ramón.

Don't you mean Henry?

No.

I mean Ramón.

Kiss him for me.

- Henry?
- No. Ramón.

Oh.

OK.

He got to you, didn't he?

The baby.

Don't you have some kind
of ski trip to get ready for?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Why didn't Tina tell me we had a kid?

Well, Tina's a little messed up
right now, OK?

That's why she's back in prison.
She didn't make it,

but you did. Now your son Ramón needs you.

I don't know if I can do this, man.

I know you can, Ernesto.

Well,

don't you think he'd be better off
with somebody else, you know?

He doesn't have anybody else.

It's you or the state, buddy.

Ernesto, look at me.

Too many sons that grow up
without their dads...

that's how you got where
you were a while back, right?

Now you got a chance to break that cycle.

Do right by him...

and by you.

How do I hold him?

I don't know, man. You just do.

Cradle his head there.

- You got him?
- Yeah.

- He kind of looks like me, don't he?
- Yeah, he does.

And I got you some diapers and stuff

just to get you started. You got
to heat up the milk, too, right?

But not too hot.

Call the lady at social services
if you have any questions.

Here you go. You got it?

And I'll... I'll come by later.
I'll check up on you.

OK.

Thanks, Henry.

Don't thank me. You can thank
the lady who found you.

What lady?

Paige Matthews. Beautiful lady,
great smile, a little wacky.

She didn't find you?

No.

All right, man. Get out of here. Dad.

Take care of your son.

OK. So, uh, what happened to the, uh,
big lug who didn't know a thing about babies?

I guess I'm uh, a quick study.

You sure it wasn't just an excuse
to talk to me again?

I guess you're gonna have
your secrets, so I'll have mine.

Fair enough.

So I've got a great smile?

Yeah. You do.

Mommy!

Oh, hi!

Did you have a good day at school?

Yeah.

Do you have homework?

I knew you'd come here sooner or later.

Really? How's that?

Well, because 6 years ago,
I was you standing there talking to me.

Wait. So if...

you were me, then who were you talking to?

Don't try to figure it out.

It'll hurt our head.

"Our head" ?

The important thing is is that your here now

for a reason and to find answers.

You know what? Don't get all cryptic with me,
please, not after the day I've had today.

Oh, I remember the day you had.

It's the day you lost faith in your premonitions
because of all you've been through

and all your disappointments.

You were promised something...

something that means the world to you...

and you're afraid you might not get it.

Will I?

I'm living proof of that,

and so is she.

Piper, please!

Oh, come on!
What's one more pair of shoes?

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Never better.