Charmed (1998–2006): Season 7, Episode 2 - The Bare Witch Project - full transcript

- That's not me.
- Sure looks like you.

No, I mean, the picture's me.
The column is not me.

I knew a man couldn't
give advice like a woman.

Men are all about, like,
fixing the problem.

Isn't that what advice columnists
are supposed to do?

No... I mean, yes.

But first you're supposed to listen,

then you're supposed to validate
feelings. That's what a woman would do.

But not a man.
They go straight to fixing it.

This glass ceiling in Sausalito?

Leslie tells this woman step by step
how to deal with her boss.



There are no feelings in there,
no emotions.

My readers are gonna read that.
They're gonna know I did not write it.

- This is a nightmare.
- Honestly, it's real subtle.

They might not notice.

Even the letters that he picks,
they're all fix-it letters.

I left him three messages about this
yesterday. He did not call me back.

I thought the whole point
of this little vacation

was for you to relax and recharge.

Yeah, I know. But it's still
my column. I still care about it.

Any big change takes some adjusting,

so for a while you're
gonna feel a little lost.

See, you just validated my feelings.

Phoebe, you need to stop obsessing,

unless, of course,
you're obsessing 'cause you like him.



No, I don't like him. He's like...

Well, forget about it and find
something else to obsess about.

I know, you're right. I have
to find a way to channel my energy,

find something to be passionate about.

Paige with Magic School, you saving Leo.

I'm not saving him. I'm just hoping
that by spending some time with the boys

that he'll feel loved and needed,

and realise that life
isn't all that bad.

Excuse me, but you're gonna
have to take that someplace else.

- Take what?
- You know, that.

- It's called breast-feeding.
- Customers are complaining.

What?

- Let's go. I gotta go anyway.
- No, Piper. You've done nothing wrong.

- You can't do this.
- Actually, yeah, I can.

Sorry.

- It's no big deal. Let's go.
- That's horrible.

We're goin'.

This is a losing battle.

Magic School was a noble experiment.

But I'm afraid it's run its course.

What about these kids?
Where are they going to go,

to learn how to develop their magic?

- Where did you learn to develop yours?
- I learned from my sisters,

and they did from their mother and
grandmother. But not everybody has that.

What these kids need...

What these kids need is guidance.

The point remains,
that with Gideon no longer around,

the safety of this institution,
both to the students

and to the outside world,
can no longer be guaranteed.

I can guarantee it!

I mean, I can try to guarantee it.

I fight demons on a weekly basis,
and I think that more than qualifies me

to be able to deal
with some magical students.

Like I said, they need some guidance.

She can guide me any day.

Check it out,
I just cast an awesome spell.

These kids are special.

Naked woman!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to conjure her.
It was an accident.

It's okay, Duncan.
I know you didn't mean to.

Just tell me what happened, fast!

I don't know. I was bored,
messing around with a history book,

and then poof, out popped Lady Godiva.

That's Lady Godiva.
That is so cool. I mean, it's not cool.

But it's okay. Send her back
and everything will be fine.

I don't know how to.
I only know how to conjure her.

Okay, that is bad. Not that you're bad,
this is a bad situation.

But I know you didn't mean it
so you're not really bad. It's okay.

We'll fix it.

I hope.

Need to borrow this.
I'll have it dry-cleaned.

- Is that who I think it is?
- Lady Godiva.

Pretty impressive use of magic?

Don't you know how dangerous it is
to mess with history?

- If we don't send her back before...
- I'm all over it.

That's it! Shoo! Get out of here!

Get out with your raging hormones!
Bye, bye.

- Lame.
- What happened? Where am I?

- What is this place?
- It's okay, you're safe.

I'm gonna take you home, okay?

Oh, well, well, that's one
screwed-up mess you made.

Good job, Duncan. You scored big.

Shut up, Simon, leave me alone.

Nice thing about the Magic School,
such intense frustration.

All pent-up. Let me help you let it out.

Pack your bags, boys,
Duncan just got us evicted.

You son of a bitch, leave me alone!
Stop picking on me!

Hey, break it up.

Interesting.

I have a very good feeling about this.

Piper, I can't believe you,
of all people, are against this.

We have to do something.

You are not writing a letter
to Ask Phoebe about my breast. Leo!

You're the one
that said I needed a cause.

So you can keep your mind off
the column, not write a letter to it.

How am I supposed
to keep my mind off of the column

when he's about to blow my cover,
maybe even my career?

You're obsessing. Leo, you're late!

I don't know what you're worried about.
He won't pick the letter.

It's way too feminine.

Somehow I know you're gonna
find a way to make him pick it.

So what? We hit
two Neanderthals with one stone.

I cannot believe
you're not supporting me.

What is there to support?
Phoebe, it's already a law.

- So let's sue the manager.
- I don't have time to sue.

I have other things
to worry about like work.

I'm on sabbatical, I don't have
to worry about that. I'm lost.

For crying out loud, Leo!

That's not Leo.

Hey, guys. Book still upstairs?

- Wait a minute.
- Hold it.

What happened?

Well, this is Godiva.

Say hello.

Godiva?

As in Lady Godiva...

...in the flesh, so to speak.

- Are they witches too?
- Yeah.

The meeting kind of went long,
got a little boring,

- and the kids grew restless and...
- So they conjured a sex object?

I'm no sex object! I was riding
through town in my natural state

to protest my husband's unjust taxes!

Wait. Riding as in plucked out
in the middle of?

Paige, she has to finish that ride
or else it could change...

Yeah, history as we know it, I got it.

Even worse,
if I don't send her back soon,

the Elders are gonna
shut down Magic School.

I don't think that's worse
than changing the course of history.

Okay, okay.

On the other hand, how much history

could a naked lady on horseback affect?

- Excuse me! My ride is important.
- Okay.

Even so, need to find a spell
to send you back. Come on.

See what I mean? We have
bigger naked breasts to worry about.

Paige has her naked breasts
to worry about, I've got yours.

Leo!

Piper!

Sorry to interrupt, but I'm late
for work. Wyatt's been fed,

Chris has had his early nap
and they're just very excited to see ya.

Now's not really a good time.

But when is a good time?
Sometimes we just have to make the time.

Once I've taken care
of any threats towards them.

Don't be ridiculous.
You can't vanquish every threat.

Besides, even if you did,
it doesn't change the fact that...

I killed another Elder?

- Yeah, but it wasn't your fault.
- It doesn't change the facts.

The fact is the boys need a father.
That's really all that matters.

I can't understand
why you're focusing on bad stuff

when you have
some good stuff in your life.

Hi. Could you please
not do that around the children?

- You brought them here.
- Your son brought us here.

There's a scouter demon in the swamp.
If I don't go there...

If I don't spend some time in P3,
we will lose our only source of income.

- I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.

Just make sure you burp Chris,
and you will be fine.

Now I gotta go, so help me out.

- Phoebe.
- Hi!

- What are you doing here?
- I came to look for my favourite pen.

I left it in here somewhere. I can't
seem to write a thing without it.

I dumped all your stuff
in this bottom cabinet here.

- Oh, you dumped?
- What does it look like?

It's a fountain pen,
nothing really special.

Hey, since I'm here,
maybe I can help with stuff.

Help?

Yeah, you know, maybe help
pick tomorrow's letter or something.

- I thought you were on sabbatical.
- Still my column.

Having a little trouble
letting go, I see.

No. I'm not having trouble letting go.

I just came here to find my pen.

Couple weeks, you won't notice.

I'm afraid my readers
are already noticing.

- That you can't find your pen?
- That I'm a man.

I mean, you're a man when
you're supposed to be a woman.

You're not very good at picking letters.
You only pick problems you can solve.

For someone taking a break,
you've given this a lot of thought.

I'm just saying, you know, that...

I mean, the point...

What was I saying?

Something to do
with, "Me Tarzan, you Jane."

Yeah, cute. Very cute. Let's see.

Oh, what's this one?

Oh, this looks like a great one.

"Breast-feeding in Bayshore".
What do you say?

Breast-feeding?

Seems a little cause-y, don't you think?

- Out of your league?
- No, I like breasts,

I just don't feel the need
to give any advice on them.

Yeah. Like I said,
you're not good at picking letters.

So, if you find my pen, please call me.

Okay.

Queen Elizabeth.

Catherine the Great. Joan of Arc.

Lady Godiva.
Good thing you have long hair.

I'm in the history books?

Yes, and if I can keep anything
from happening to you

before I send you back,
you'll remain there.

- What's wrong?
- Lord Dyson.

- Is that your husband?
- No. An evil land baron

who feeds on the pain of peasants,
suppresses them for his own gain.

He's the weasel who convinced
my husband to tax them.

Were you scared, doing what you did?

It was what, 1,000 years
before women received equal rights?

It's the right thing. It's the
only way to make my husband see

I was serious
about my stand to shock him.

And history, too, apparently.

Okay, mount up.

- Will it be painful?
- No, it's magic.

- You won't feel a thing.
- Magic.

I didn't think it really existed.

Oh, it exists.
It's just something that's hidden.

You can't see it.

See, not a lot of things have changed.

Robe?

Oh, I almost forgot.

Good luck... saving all this.

Thanks. Good luck on your ride.

From lands afar
and time and space

Take her now from this, our place

One that dwells so must remain

Send her back to her domain

What's wrong?

I don't know, it should have worked.

Stay here.

What happened?

You tell me. You were the one who said
you could control these students.

I don't see how conjuring
Lady Godiva caused this.

Unless she wasn't
the only thing conjured.

Boxes!

At least this shows how much kids need
help learning to control their magic.

This is a disaster.
A complete, utter disaster!

By all means, don't repress yourself.

- To be whole again.
- Who the hell are you?

I've had it with you
and your stupid ideas!

So much repression to feed on.

You!

My lady.

Watch out!

No matter.

I'll just collect more power
and then I'll be back.

It's okay, it's just a graze.

I still can't believe
an Elder attacked you.

I know, they're supposed
to be pacifists, right?

Have you seen Leo lately?

Speaking of which... Leo!

He's a little mad at me. I can't say I
blame him. I did kind of mess things up.

Well, that doesn't explain
why he tried to kill you.

Pardon me.

I think the demon did something to that
Elder, freed up his repressed anger.

He probably
wasn't breast-fed as a child.

- Phoebe!
- What?

We wouldn't even be in this situation,
the demon wouldn't even be here

if I hadn't had the great stroke
of genius to try to save school.

- Why do you think he tried to kill her?
- If I could just...

Maybe he knew that since they came
together, they have to leave together.

- Why wouldn't he want to go back?
- If you would just listen to me!

- Oh, wow!
- That's just a lot.

It is apparently still the only way
I can get anybody to listen to me!

Woman, keep your clothes on.
This is a family show, really.

I know that man,
or demon as you call him.

- It's Lord Dyson.
- The land baron?

Except in my time he was different.

Smaller, weaker.

Okay, so how did he get stronger?

It's okay, doorbell,
newfangled contraption.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's Leslie.
- Don't answer it.

- What if it's about my letter?
- Forget the letter.

- Can everyone have a cause but me?
- Yes!

Upstairs. Upstairs!

Leslie, hey. What a surprise.

I brought you a peace offering.

- Oh, those are my sisters.
- I thought you just had two.

Yeah, the other one is a cousin,
distant cousin, twice removed.

Come in, come in.

So, you drove all the way over here
just to give me this lovely pen?

Well, it's your pen, isn't it?

You know this is not my pen.

You're right. Bought that
from a street vendor on my way over.

Just looking for an excuse.

You have a nice place. The paper
pays you better than I thought.

So, what are you really doing here?

I thought you might
like a chance to apologise.

- For what?
- Trying to slip that letter past me.

- What?
- Look, I know you wrote it.

I recognise your handwriting.
I've studied your work.

You have?

How else am I gonna get away
with ghost-writing a column for you?

That's the problem. I don't
think you're getting away with it.

Because I'm a man.

Because you pick letters
a man would pick.

Ask Phoebe wouldn't pick
a breast-feeding letter.

- Oh, no?
- No, because it's a cause.

- She doesn't do causes.
- I know what letters I'd pick.

Then why are you taking a sabbatical?

Look, I'm sorry. It's just...
The only reason I took this gig

is 'cause I'm a huge fan of yours.

I mean, of your column.

And I just want
to do the best job I can,

but I can't really do that with you
looking over my shoulder all the time.

All right?

All right.

All right.

Would it be cheating too much if I
peeked ahead to see what becomes of me?

Well, seeing as you're probably not
going to remember any of this,

I don't see why not.

The closest thing I can find
is a demon who feeds off anger,

but you already got him...

Remember when Leo used
to come when you called him?

It says here your Lord Dyson
mysteriously disappeared

the day you rode through town.

Well, I doubt that's just a coincidence.

And the tax was repealed,
which means I accomplished my goal.

No offence, lady, but you drop
your trousers, liberation for all,

and suddenly your demon vanishes off the
face of the earth for all of eternity?

- Isn't that a little far-fetched?
- No.

Not if the demon
feeds off of repressions.

Maybe that's how he gains his strength.

Well, then, that would
make the reverse true as well.

Your ride starved him into oblivion.

Please tell me you weren't
vanquishing demons with the children!

Chris was fussy, it calmed him.

Oh, really?

- Is that Lady?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A little healing, a little healing.

And then we need you
to find out what they know

- about some sort of repressor demon.
- You want me to go up there?

I'll get the Elfin nanny
to watch the kids.

- That's not what I was worried about.
- Hello. Heal, ouch, hurt. Focus.

It wouldn't hurt to have a chat with the
Elders to see what they think about...

...the demon.

- What if they know about?
- If they knew, we would know by now.

Are they talking about Lord Dyson?

No, they're talking
about something that Leo did

- that they don't want me to know about.
- Just go.

Let's find out what we can
about this repressor demon

before it starts to feed off
our repressions, shall we?

So this is the land of the free?

Hey, hey, sorry.

Oh, infuriating, isn't it?

Well, don't hold back. Let it out.

Such a plethora of repression,
it's hard to choose.

Who's next? Who's next?

Oh, I love this century!

More. I need more.

Come on, who's still
out there holding it in?

Sorry to have kept you waiting.

Why do we have to meet here?

- Why couldn't we meet up there?
- You didn't hear?

An Elder's gone missing, Leo.
Perhaps killed.

- We can't be too careful.
- You think I did it?

- You killed Gideon.
- He tried to kill my son.

- I was protecting my family.
- We understand.

But this is different.

The Elder was Zola, Leo.

And we understand that he was trying
to reach out to you when he disappeared.

We are your family, Leo.
You are one of us.

I don't know that I am any more.

Everything's changed.

Just because of what Gideon did?

Leo, good is not perfect.

Sometimes it messes up.

But that doesn't mean
it isn't still good. And we are.

- Are we?
- Listen to me, Leo.

We have sensed a great
and new threat gathering,

one which will take
everything we've got to fight.

And we need you for that.
We're gonna need everyone.

You know what I need?

I need information on a demon
that feeds on repression.

Can you help me out or not?

I'll see what I can do.

Think about what I've said.

You can't trust her.

You can't trust any of them any more.

Why are you doing this to me?

Who are you?

I can't believe how empty
this place is without students.

Well, I'm hoping you'll
find a way to save it after all this,

- for your nephews' sake.
- Thanks, no pressure.

Nope.

- Ready to summon?
- Yep, all ready to go.

I think we should wait for Leo
and find out what he knows.

It doesn't matter.
History will take care of them,

- as long as you finish your ride.
- Promise.

And thank you for giving me
a glimpse of what's to come.

Thank you, for showing us
you're more than a box of chocolates.

- I'm sorry?
- Never mind.

Okay, here we go.

We look to find the evil set free

Bring this demon before us three

Hi, there.

- Why didn't he explode?
- Chanting, chanting.

Okay, okay, okay.
From lands afar, in time and space

Take them now from this our place
To the dwell, some must remain

Send them back to their domain

It worked!

That's not good.

Well, at least they're gone.

Great, will you guys drop me off
at the office on your orb home?

I thought you weren't looking over
Leslie's shoulders any more.

Well, I'm not, but first I have
to get him to pick my letter.

Orbing!

Okay, thanks, meet you guys at home.

Looks like everyone took Elise's
sexual harassment memo literally.

Phoebe? What are you doing here?

And what are you wearing?
Who? Who's watching our children?

Why aren't you at home with them?

- Excuse me?
- Come on.

Okay, what the hell is going on?

I think I know.

We should have waited for Leo.

Shut up!

It's not so bad if you like grey.

I don't understand
how everything changed so much.

Well, we sent the demon back
stronger than when he came.

Strong enough to kill Lady Godiva.

It's hard to believe
her ride affected just everything.

Apparently it had an impact on us women

because it sent us back
like a thousand years or so.

- We have to fix this.
- Oh, no!

I left Wyatt and Chris
with the Elfin nanny before...

That's okay, they're boys.
They're probably treated like royalty.

Hey, why didn't we change?

Probably because we were
at Magic School and protected?

What do these women think they're doing?

Okay, guys, I think we're attracting
a little too much attention here.

What say we orb back
to the Book of Shadows?

- I don't want to go home.
- Why?

Did you hear what Leslie said?

We can't stay here,
we're attracting too much attention.

Yeah, and we wouldn't want
to be flogged.

So much for your
breast-feeding campaign.

- Cute.
- Hey!

Every peep out of you adds
an extra flogging to your sentence.

What is flogging exactly?

I don't know but how about we orb out
of here so we don't have to find out.

Where are we gonna go?
We still have to fix this somehow.

- That's two extra floggings each!
- Okay.

Look, we need to figure out something
'cause I need to feed someone soon.

What if Lady Godiva is still alive?

Paige, I know you're upset. We all are.
But we can't bring her back to life.

No, why can't we conjure her?

She'd still be alive and her ride
would still be ahead of her.

I don't know how that's
gonna get us back to our world.

Maybe it will
if she can finish her ride.

We'd have to vanquish the demon first.

- We just have to get out of here.
- Leo!

Oh, what if he's different
in this world too?

That s a mighty fine question. Leo!

What are you guys doing here?
What are you wearing?

Look, we're kind of in a hurry,
so Cliff Notes version:

Demon killed Lady Godiva,
we changed history, we gotta fix it.

So, are you with me or what?

Lady Godiva?

Yeah, she probably
doesn't mean much to you,

but apparently she means a lot to us.

Duncan. We're gonna
need Duncan to conjure her.

Leo, can you take me to Magic School?

Magic School's been shut for years.
Everyone's in hiding here, even demons.

- No one dare uses magic.
- Talk about repressed.

But magic still exists, which means
this kid Duncan has to be somewhere.

They got no place else to go.

Keep them here for their own safety.

Go back to Phoebe and Piper.
Help them find the history book,

we're gonna need it. Don't ask,
it will just give you a headache.

Duncan?

Nobody by that name here.

Yeah, well,
I don't have time to play games.

Yeah, neither do I, so if you're
thinking of jacking my stash, don't.

Murdock root, this is your stash?

Look, lady, I'm warning you.
Back off, understand?

- You one of them Freedom Fighters?
- I don't know about that,

but I would like to free you
from this life you've got going here.

- I just need a conjuring spell.
- Are you trying to get me hanged?

'Cause these guys get away with piss-ass
magic doesn't mean we're not watched!

I come from a world
where good magic isn't wasted.

And it can be that way again.
I need your conjuring spell.

You are one of the do-gooders,
spewing that crap.

No, this is crap, okay?
Because I know you have dreams,

you have hopes,
and you're just suppressing them.

Think I'm scared of my dreams?
No, 'cause I'm not!

You have a choice.
You can either step up and be a man,

or you can crawl back in your rat hole.

It's up to you.

No Joan of Arc, no Catherine the Great,
none of them are in here.

Keep looking.

It's pretty amazing that this world
is so much more repressed,

and yet Leo seems freer.

Yeah, I almost forgot what he was like.

Okay, I got the spell.
Did you find Godiva?

Yep, right here.
But talk about your fine print.

It doesn't matter,
as long as she's in there.

So, wait, I don't understand.
If you return her back

to just before she was killed,
history will reverse itself?

Warned you about
the headache thing, right?

We get them here, you blast Dyson
and we send her back right away.

- I thought we send them back together.
- Not if Dyson doesn't exist any more.

But first we gotta make sure we're okay.

There's no buried resentments that a
hungry demon could feed off of? Phoebe?

No, I'm fine. As long as Leslie's
not in the room, I'm fine. You?

No. I pretty much tell you guys
when I'm pissed off.

That's a good point. Paige?

Sometimes I feel repressed
being the little sister.

What, you want to be the oldest sister?
Come on now, get over it.

Okay, I'm over it.

Where royals once lived, so did she

Bring forth the naked lady
from the 11th century

That's more like it.

Paige, I thought you were
sending me back?

Change of plans.

Perhaps I need a little more power.

Okay.

Nice try.

Piper.

So much bottled up anger.

You know what?
Enough with your moping.

The Elders screwed you?
What about me?

What are you doing?

I am not gonna raise
two little boys all on my own

because you're too busy
feeling sorry for yourself, all right?

So get over it! Seriously!

Now, where was I?

Energy ball!

- That's not good.
- Piper, enough!

Okay, you get Piper, I'll get him.

- Piper!
- Piper, snap out of it!

It's the demon doing this to you,
not Leo!

No!

Piper.

How am I supposed
to know I was so repressed?

You couldn't tell?

I'm a working single mother,
I barely have time to brush my teeth,

- let alone self-reflection.
- You should make time.

Nothing that needed healing.
She's a little shaken up.

- I bet she is.
- Well, we better come up with a plan

because Dyson
is getting stronger as we speak.

- Thanks to Piper.
- All right!

- When he comes back...
- And he will.

...he might be too strong to stop,

especially if he taps
into Leo's repressed rage.

I'm not going to be able
to finish my ride, am I?

No, you're not.

Orb her out of here.

No, she won't stand a chance,
he'll feed off Leo.

Just get her out of here,
we'll think of something.

"We'll think of something"?
That's the best you can do?

I'm officially open to other ideas.

Okay, maybe we should let him
get to Leo. Maybe he'll overdose.

- Or become unstoppable.
- He already is that.

Okay, I am orbing you guys out of here.

No, actually you're gonna
let him feed on you. See ya!

- Good luck, man!
- What?

Let's see what
you've been hiding from me.

There's so much, so ready to come out.

Let it out, let it all out.

You demons have it so easy.

No morality to worry about,

no attachments, no one to lose.

Yeah, you tell him, Leo.

When you kill, you feel nothing!

How you doing?

Feels good to get rid
of all that stuff, huh?

You did it, you vanquished him.

Thanks to Leo.

Finally, I'm free!

Yes, you are.

Me? Why don't you send her back?
I don't want to use magic any more.

You can't stop using magic any more
than you can stop breathing, Duncan.

Well, I don't want
to be that way any more.

You don't have a choice, none of us do.

Look, you messed up, big deal!

That's what you're here for, to learn,
to gain control over your powers.

You have to show that you can fix this
for all our sakes.

What if they're watching?

I hope they're watching.
You can do this.

So...

...you ready to go back?

I can't wait.

Duncan, the spell?

Right. Right.

A time for everything
and everything in place

Return what's been moved
through time and space

I knew you could do it.

I got this one.

You can't help yourself, can you, Paige?
You just can't leave well enough alone.

If "well enough alone"
means shutting down Magic School,

then no. Then no, I can't.

If you don't give these amazing kids
a place to go and express themselves,

then you are going to be crushing
their spirits and relegating them

to hiding in caves and alleyways
and abusing magic

- with nowhere else to turn!
- I think you've made your point.

- So...
- So...

...we won't shut it down.
- What?

As long as you can prove
that you can keep running it.

Me? Oh, no, no, no.

No, I'll find someone.

You can do this.

Hey, this better be good.

I was just in the middle
of putting Wyatt down for a nap.

Yeah, it looks like Lady Godiva has
quite an impact on our Phoebe's cause.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah!

This man is still living
in the 11th century.

He wants women to be barefoot
and pregnant and stay at home.

He thinks we should be ashamed
of breast-feeding,

the most natural thing in the world.
Well, shame on him!

I'm not ashamed
and neither should you be.

It's a shame that women have
to take off their clothes to be heard.

We shouldn't have to be
exploited like this. Right?

Right! Yeah!

There! Are you satisfied now?