Charmed (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 8 - Sword and the City - full transcript

Looks like they're all asleep.
Maybe I should sneak out of here.

No. Why don't you stay for breakfast.

How do you like your eggs?

-What about your sisters?
-What about them?

PAIGE: Aah!
RICHARD: Whoa!

Oh, sorry. You okay?

-What are you doing?
-Trying to fix the garbage disposal.

-What are you doing?
-Messing around.

Oh. Uh-huh.

Hey, sorry. I should have told you
I was here.

No, don't be silly. Paige is a big girl.
She can hang out all she wants to.



Not that she does a lot. I mean...

-You can stop now.
-Right.

Hey, you mind if I take a look?

Sure, go ahead.

Okay.

[DISPOSAL GRINDING]

What's wrong with the disposal
anyway?

Not disposing, washer not washing.
Cable not cabling.

PAIGE: Don't forget the sink upstairs.
-It's next on my list.

-Sounds like fun.
-That's my life, actually. All about fun.

-There you go. It's as good as new.
-He's handy to have around.

Yeah. I thought you didn't use
magic anymore.

Just once in a while, for little things.
Want me to fix the washer?

-Yes.
-No.



Can you guys help me pick out
some earrings?

Hi. I didn't know you were here.

Hey, yeah. We got in late last night.

-I see.
-He fixed the garbage disposal.

-Really?
-Mm-hm. Magically.

Really?

Can you help me with my earrings
out here, please?

Sure.

Excuse me.

So how do you like your eggs,
scrambled or over easy?

Okay, listen, was that weird?

Why are you so dressed up?

Because I have a date with Jason,
but that's besides the point.

Didn't Richard lose it the last time
he used magic? I mean, really lose it?

Uh, I can assure you that he stayed
in complete control

over the garbage disposal.

It's 7:00 in the morning,
how can you have a date?

Because it's 7 here,
but it's evening in Hong Kong.

Okay, so you're not concerned
about Richard using magic?

Yeah, I am, but I'm more concerned
with Paige being really pissed off

because we butted into
her business again.

Yeah, I know, but we're sisters,
that's what we're supposed to do.

Back to your date, I don't understand,
is Chris orbing you to Hong Kong?

No, we're video conferencing.

We just open our laptops
and there we are, in color.

Mm-hm. In each other's laps.

So do you think we should
talk to Paige about Richard?

-We don't really know him.
-I know we don't.

And neither does she.
That's the problem.

-What, can't I worry?
-From afar. Yeah.

Now, excuse me,
I have to go unclog a sink.

Well, maybe a little magic
couldn't hurt.

Help me!

Okay, so watery lady
pops up from the sink.

-You sure she's not a demon?
-I'm sure she needed help.

-What else did she say?
PIPER: That was it.

"Harding Park, pond," and poof!

[WATER BUBBLING]

Over there.

They're coming! Take this,
it does not belong to them!

[GASPS]

[GRUNTING]

I'm liking these odds.

Wuss.

LADY OF THE LAKE:
The sword.

The sword is...

Where'd she go?
What did she say?

Uh, she said something
about the sword. Where is it?

It's in the stone.

The sword in the stone?

Oh, you gotta be kidding me, right?

Okay, could you maybe
miss the table?

I'm sorry, I've never orbed anything
that heavy before.

-Or that historic.
-Is that glowing?

No, it's the sunroom,
there's a lot of light.

What part of this aren't you getting?
Sword, stone, lady in lake.

It was a pond.

-You think she's from Avalon?
-Yeah, I think she was flushed out

by whoever's after Excalibur.
The maker of kings.

Look, we're not talking about Camelot,
right, because that's not real.

You never believed in King Arthur
and the Knights of the Round Table?

Yes, I did, when I was 7.
And then I grew up.

Yeah, you grew up to be a witch

that fights demons
and silly-looking dragons.

-That's different, that's real.
-And this isn't real?

-What is real are those hooded freaks.
-Who are not gonna give up

-now that the sword's in the open.
-How do you know?

Whoever has Excalibur
is unstoppable.

Okay, there's definitely nothing
in the Book.

Oh, hi. How you doing?

Phoebe, please put a stop
to this nonsense.

-Didn't realise you were here.
PAIGE: That's okay.

You can talk freely in front of him.

Lord knows,
you've been through enough.

-No, not really.
-Phoebe.

Look, I should probably go.

Don't be ridiculous. You're great.

Okay, anyway, Book, Excalibur...?

Yeah, nothing, nada.

-Really?
-Told you.

You know, hey, maybe it's been out
of circulation since ye olden days,

and maybe no Halliwell has ever
come across it before.

Well, we have run across these guys,
executioner demons,

-lower-level badasses for hire.
-Who hired them?

This higher-level badass.

"A power-mad paladin
of destruction."

Huh. Maybe... You know, maybe we
should just kind of hang out later.

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

Bye.

[MOUTHS]
I don't know.

-Be careful with all this.
-Always. I had...

-...a really good time last night.
-Me too.

What?

Uh, I just don't think your sisters
like me very much.

-No, that's not true.
-Really?

Okay, maybe they're just doing
the overprotective sister thing.

Mmm. Well, that's a good thing.

Because I don't want anything
to happen to you.

Don't worry.

So he's an upper-level demon,
which means

you should be able to make
a vanquishing potion.

Okay. Wait. Me? Why me?

Because, hello, I have a few
hundred things to do

around here, in addition
to raising a small child.

I know, you have so much to do.

You're my hero. But I can't,
I have to go to work.

I still don't have an assistant,
and I'm swamped.

But... Phoebe!

Paige, potion?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey, the temp
agency's already got me a new job.

But that hardly compares with...

Come on, you know
there's a magical reason

that I've had every one
of these jobs,

and who am I to interfere
with destiny?

Okay, so you want me
to add "babysit the sword"

and "mix vanquishing potion"
to my never-ending to-do list.

Look, the sword is stuck
in the stone. You know it, I know it,

the bad guys know it. Nobody's gonna
get it out till King Arthur does.

When that happens,
there'll be lots of fireworks.

-When might that be?
-How should I know?

Maybe a couple thousand years?

Well, you can't blame a girl for trying.

[DEMON GRUNTS]

DARK KNIGHT:
Oh, but I do blame you.

The sword is now locked in stone.
You promised me murderers,

what you delivered
was cannon fodder for witches!

Those weren't just witches.

Tell me, demon, will your thick head
still spout excuses

when it's cut from your neck?

If the sword is
with the Charmed Ones,

it means we need a better class
of executioners, that's all.

And how much more
will this cost me?

-The Charmed Ones are formidable.
-How much?

To provide you
with more executioners

and the training needed to drown the
Charmed Ones in their own blood...

...a seat at the table.

If your goal is to unite all evil under
the corrupted power of the sword,

you could do far worse
than have me at your side.

-Responses to last week's columns.
-How'd you get into my e-mail?

Your e-mail account is maxed out,
so your fans are using ours.

Oh, I'll tell you, Elise better find me
a new assistant because pretty soon

she's gonna have to ask Phoebe
to take my foot out of her...

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello, Phoebe Halliwell.

Oh, hey, Laura.

I have that down...

...for this morning. Oh, my God,
I missed it. I'm so sorry.

No, of course I can reschedule.
Absolutely.

[PAIGE CLEARS THROAT]

Actually, Laura, can I call you back
when I have my book in front of me?

Okay, great. I'm so sorry.
Thanks. Bye.

Hi, I thought you had
a new temp job today.

-I do.
-Why aren't you there?

Apparently I am.

-What? Here?
-Yep.

-As my assistant?
-Well, I think I'd prefer

to be called your desk manager.

Wait, but I thought you get all
of your temp jobs for divine reasons.

Usually I do.

Yeah, but I don't need divine help,
I need filing

and faxing
and desk-management help.

I'm your girl. I really am.
We'll just, you know, see if

the divine stuff kind of appears later.
It usually does.

Yeah, but I can't tell you what to do.
I mean, how weird is that?

Well, it's no weirder than usual.

-Oh, I see.
-Just kidding, sort of.

Listen, you get back to your column.
I will call Laura and reschedule.

I will...

...help stuff.

[RATTLING]

Perfect.

[GROANS]

DWARF:
Hey, lady!

We could really use
an authority figure out there.

-What are you doing here?
-What am I doing here?

I'm getting pushed around!
I just lost my place in line.

What line?

What...? What's going on here?

Never.

-What is this?
DWARF: Natural selection.

Naturally, I hope the sword
selects me to be king.

Finally get a little respect around here.

[LAUGHING]

You people, you creatures, whatever.
You can't be here. You gotta go.

We have a divine right to try our hand.

-Ooh, wow.
DWARF: Yeah.

Ten feet's pretty much the distance.

Back of the line, please.

Hoof it, sister!

Chris! Chris. Get down here.

-Where's Chris?
-Busy.

DWARF:
Let's go.

-What's going on?
-Busy with what?

Other charges. I took him
off your account again.

-Our account?
-You know what I mean.

-Whoa, is that what I think it is?
PIPER: No. No, it's not.

Okay, now look, you gotta get
all these people out of here

because I can't do this right now.

Hey, hey, hey! No cuts, buddy.

Hey, how was the staff meeting?

Endless. How's my new assistant
working out?

Oh, she put a fire under the interns,
that's for sure.

Really? Hmm.

Okay, who can help me with that?

Great, you got it. And what about
collating and cross-referencing?

You. And so you would
have databasing.

All right, great. You boys
have your marching orders.

I will check back with you
in a couple hours.

Wow, who works here?

You do. Who rocks?
That would be me.

By the end of the day,
we'll have a system in place

that tracks your column ideas,
your columns written

and your columns considered,

plus a separate file for your questions,
comments and fan mail.

-I can't believe it.
-Well, believe it because you,

my dear, are never going to miss
anything again.

-That's good.
-It is good news

because you, my dear,
need to concentrate.

Yes, I do.

Yes, you do.
Starting with tomorrow's column.

-I already wrote tomorrow's column.
-Yeah, you did.

Uh, is there a problem with it?

Well, I mean, I'm no expert,

but I was just thinking
about this one question.

Okay, the girl's family wants her
to break up with him

because they think
he's an alcoholic.

And absent of any proof,
you're telling her to end it.

Well, you know, not really end it,
just slow it down a bit.

Okay, but slowing it down
by not seeing each other is,

in effect, ending it.

I just think you should
keep your eyes open.

Keep my eyes open?

I mean, I think that she should keep
her eyes open.

-You know what I mean.
-Yeah.

-This column's about Richard, isn't it?
-No, it is not about Richard.

Don't be ridiculous.

You hate him. I can tell,
and what's worse, he can tell.

Look, Paige, if you're sensing
anything from me, it's just concern.

I'm concerned that you're falling
too fast for a guy you barely know.

But, you know,
it's none of my business.

You're right. It's not
any of your business.

Right.

Hey, Piper needs your help, now.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

Pest.

Oh, my!

-I was afraid this would happen.
-You could have mentioned that.

-And they won't leave?
PIPER: Oh, no. No.

-More show up every minute.
-But no bad guys yet, right?

What is that stench?
What is that stench?

We gotta get this thing out
of here. Leo refuses to orb it.

The Lady of the Lake came to you.
I'm not messing with that.

Oh, for God's sakes, if you
will not get rid of it, then I will!

MAN:
Your Majesty.

Wow.

[WIND WHISTLING]

I bet you didn't expect this
when you got up this morning.

-I...
-The sword has chosen.

You are the new savior.

The champion of good,

the master of Excalibur.

-Welcome to your new destiny.
-Oh, crap.

PHOEBE: Okay, let's go.
Nothing to see here anymore,

-no more show, adiós, scram.
-Your Majesty, seriously,

if you need anything, anything at all.
Castles built, suits of armor,

you name it, I got connections.

Is it just me, or does it still
smell like ogre in here?

I'm telling you, guys,
this is all a big mistake.

-Stop that.
-It's drawn to you,

-just like you're drawn to it.
-Do I look like I'm drawn to it, pal?

-You will be in time.
-No, I don't have time

to play Queen Arthur.

Oh, come on, Piper, have a little fun.
Don't you realise what this means?

One more thing on my to-do list?

No, it means you, my dear,
are the chosen one,

the first in centuries to have
power over the sword.

Tell her all about it, Merlin.

Oh, actually, the name's Mordaunt.
Merlin was just a fairy tale.

Ha!

-But Camelot was not.
-Aha!

And thanks to you, it can rise again.

So, what are you, a wizard,
a sorcerer?

Actually, I'm neither.
I'm just a humble teacher

in service of the sword.

And we must begin
instruction immediately,

before your enemy attacks.

-The Dark Knight.
-You know him?

Yeah, we've already kicked his ass.

And if he shows up again, we have a
vanquishing potion ready and waiting.

-What's in it?
-It's a mandrake variation

with a little bit of griffin's blood.

Good, if you're going up against
a pustulous knave, which you're not.

If you want to fight the Dark Knight
with magic, this is what you need.

I thought you said
you weren't a sorcerer.

I picked up a few things along the way.
The Dark Knight is no trifle.

You'll have to hit him
with everything you have.

I've never even heard of half
of these ingredients.

Looks like he picked up
quite a bit.

What do you think?

-Can't get a read on him.
-Your distrust is expected,

but don't let it blind you.
If I haven't taught Piper

how to master the sword
before the Dark Knight returns,

your survival depends on that potion.

Okay, so where are we supposed
to get the ingredients?

I think I know a place. Leave it to me,
your trusty assistant.

All right, I guess I will go check
with the other elders

and see what they know.

You want me to take Wyatt?

-Piper.
-Hmm?

Do you want me to take
Wyatt with me?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

I'll be fine.

-En garde!
-Aah!

Not bad.
Better than Arthur's first time.

-Really?
-Now, I'm gonna come in low.

Believe in Excalibur.
Just let it flow through you.

-These are your best?
-The highest quality.

-They'll get the job done.
-They'd better.

If they don't, it's not me
they'll have to answer to.

-I thought you were...
-I serve a greater power.

Whose?

[DOOR CLOSES]

We've got a problem.

DWARF:
Hey!

Well. Should have figured
you'd be after the sword.

-Tell him.
-Kiss my grumpy ass.

Tell him.

You're too late.

Piper Halliwell has Excalibur.
And she's being trained how to use it.

By who? Who's training her?

[DEMON GROANS]

-Does this change anything?
-It changes everything.

I think we got everything you need.
Plant roots, fungi, herbs,

-creature parts, insects.
-Creature parts?

RICHARD:
Fairy wings.

Wait, fairy wings?

Well, I didn't kill them
if that's what you're wondering.

-Then how'd you get them?
-Uh, Phoebe.

-What? Fair question.
-Actually, I'm not sure.

My family's been stockpiling this stuff
for years because of the feud.

Yeah, but the feud's over, right?

Hey, you know,
I think we're gonna need

a mortar and pestle for the potion,
do you have one?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

-What?
-You don't have to treat him

-like he's evil.
-Paige, I'm just reacting to what I see.

I mean, how many guys do you
know that stockpile gremlin ears?

Okay, first your not-so-subtle column,
and now this.

Why don't you come out
and admit it? You hate him.

Paige, I don't hate him.
I'm just worried.

Well, don't worry.
I know what I'm doing.

Okay, so are you telling me
that it doesn't bother you at all

that he's using magic again?
Or that he has this...?

This room hidden?

What part of "this is not
your business" are you not getting?

Oh, Paige, I am worried about you.

Okay, just like you were worried
about me when I was dating a demon.

-Richard is not a demon.
-No, I know he's not a demon, Paige.

But he has a dark side
and powerful magic.

And that's a very dangerous
combination.

I... I'm worried about you, okay?
I'm sorry.

-Here.
-Thanks.

Everything all right?

[SIGHS]

Let's just get this over with.

[GRUNTING]

-You're a quick study.
-You're a good teacher.

So you feel the sword's power?

-Yes.
-How's it feel?

Not bad.

You and Excalibur are becoming one.

Soon, nothing will matter.

Nothing except the desire to rule.

You.

I was wondering when you'd show up.
Take him!

[YELLING]

-"Wereboar tusk, one pinch."
-Okay.

PAIGE:
Nymph hair, one lock.

Oh, I hope this isn't
from someone we know.

Wraith essence, three drops.

-One, two, three.
-And black poppy,

-"one level teaspoon."
-I've never even heard of black...

No!

Phoebe, you okay?

-Richard.
-Wait, watch.

Don't ever mix wraith essence
and black poppy.

-Ever.
-Why would Mordaunt do this?

Because he wants you dead.

[SCREAMS]

-I thought we made a deal.
-I don't need you

to get the sword anymore.

I've got her.

Your assimilation is complete.

You are now one with Excalibur.

Now what?

-It's just us.
-He's not what you think he is.

-He tried to kill us.
-He wants the sword.

But the sword chose me.

No, he's just using you, he wants
the power of the sword for himself.

You're not meant
to control the sword.

But I do control it.

And you don't think I can.

Perhaps we should leave.

-Paige. Paige, Paige, Paige.
-Excalibur!

Don't do that again.

It appears your queen has spoken.

Her Majesty has left the building.

Or Her Madness.

Doesn't look like much of a kingdom.

Well, this is just where it begins,

where you form your inner circle.

Let me guess,
the Knights of the Round Table?

The knights of your Round Table.

You're on a new path now,
a new destiny.

That's good because I was
getting a little bored of the old one.

A world of adventure awaits you.

Warfare, conquest,

Camelot.

-And what exactly is Camelot?
-Whatever you want it to be.

It's your kingdom to make.

Could you be a little more specific?

There will be no one above you,
no one to challenge you.

You will have free rein
to reshape the way things are,

to create a world of your dreams.

All will bow down before you.

All will serve your every desire.

-Including you?
-Especially me, my queen.

What is it?

Well, we must...

...build your kingdom first.

And to do that, we need to fill
your Round Table with knights.

-Very well, I have a few ideas.
-No.

Let me be your counsel.
I know best who will serve you well.

But they will not come easily.

You must challenge them
on fields of battle.

Force them to join you.

I think I can do that.

-Anything?
-Nope, can't find Piper anywhere.

Well. Keep looking, she's bound
to show up somewhere.

-Yeah, to do what?
-I don't know.

I don't understand. If she wasn't
supposed to pull the sword out,

-then why was she able to?
-According to the other elders,

she was only meant to pass it on
to whomever it was really meant for.

So she's not the new King Arthur,
but she is the new Lady of the Lake?

-Basically, yeah.
-Well, why is it turning her evil?

Because only the ultimate power
on Earth can handle Excalibur.

That's why the lady
stayed in the lake,

to insulate herself
from the sword's power.

Okay, so we should find Piper
and then drown her.

-Oh, I'm just kidding, Leo.
-It's no joke.

It's the only way to keep the power
from consuming her, destroying her.

Still, what does Mordaunt
want with Piper?

I mean, he's tricky, but he's hardly
the ultimate power on Earth.

But he can use Piper
to become that power.

Guess who just surfaced.

-Should I kill him?
-You're the queen.

I need one more knight
to sit at my Round Table.

-Care to join me?
-Join you? Which side are you on?

All we're interested in
is the greatest power.

Become one of us.

-What he said.
-What do I get out of it?

You? You get to live.

-Piper!
-I should have known it was a trap!

-You stay put. You, I warned you.
-Sorry, Your Majesty.

Paige, now, orb her.

Impressive, huh?
Now, make your queen proud.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

-What just happened?
-I don't know,

but I don't think it's good.

Leo!

PIPER:
Welcome.

I assume you're all wondering
why you've been gathered here.

But don't worry, if I wanted to kill you,
I would have done so already.

You are the chosen few
who will help chart a new world order,

united under me.

Excuse me, Your Majesty,
we're getting ahead of ourselves.

-Are we?
-The small matter of the loyalty oath.

Oh, yeah. That's right. Uh...

-Administer that oath.
-Yes, Your Majesty.

If you will all put
your left hand...

[DEMON GROWLS]

...or claw

on one of the five points
of the pentagram in front of you.

[CHANTING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[DEMONS GROANING]

Supreme demonic powers,
leave your hosts!

And find a new home
in this willing heart!

What are you doing?

Stop!

You vanquished all my knights. Why?

Fulfilling my centuries-old quest...

...to control Excalibur.

-But it belongs to me.
-No. It doesn't.

It never did. But thanks to you

and the combined powers
of your knights,

now it belongs to me.

I'm the ultimate power.

I don't understand.

It's simply a transfer of power,
that's all.

And now all that remains
to do...

...is to eliminate the true recipient
of Excalibur

before he grows old enough
to fulfill his destiny

as the son of a Charmed One.

You can't hurt him, he's protected.

I couldn't before.

But I can with this.

[PIPER GASPS]

PAIGE:
Ow.

Feeling any better?

No, I'm pretty sure "ow" signifies that
I am not, in fact, feeling any better.

I am getting tired of this whole
soul-separating-from-my-body thing.

It's getting to be a disturbing pattern.

It was pretty close too. Your souls
were getting ready to move on.

-Move on to where exactly?
-Nice try.

I can't believe Piper.
Did you see the look in her eyes?

Hey, at least it looked like
she was having fun for once.

-Find her yet?
-No, nothing.

Keep trying. Just like last time, they
can't do anything until they resurface.

Yeah, unless Mordaunt wants her
to help him rule the underworld.

There's gotta be another way
to get her out of this.

I just wish we knew
who King Arthur is.

-Wait, what do you mean?
-I mean, if we need to separate

Piper from the sword,
what better way than figure out

who she's meant to give it to?

[WYATT COOING]

No.

It's Wyatt. Oh, my God.
It has to be.

[GROANING]

-What's the matter?
-It's Piper, she's hurt.

-Harding Park. Let's go.
-I got Wyatt.

Don't worry, it'll all be over soon.

Once they come for you,
I'll go for him.

PHOEBE: Hurry! Hurry, hurry!
-I am, I am.

Where's Wyatt?

My apologies, King Wyatt.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

[TEDDY BEAR SQUEAKS]

What?!

Oh, and that's
his favourite teddy bear.

PIPER:
Hey.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Bet you didn't expect this
when you got up this morning.

But I've still got Excalibur!

-Not for long.
-Go for it, Wyatt.

[SCREAMS]

Okay, sweetie,
that's very, very good.

But we need to put this away
so you don't put an eye out.

At least until you're 18.

How are you?

Oh, fine. Think you can orb this
into the attic?

Absolutely.

Away from any furniture?

[FURNITURE CRASHING]

Sorry.

Don't worry,
I'll just add it to my list.

Hey, I just finished
the last of the filing.

-Great, thanks.
-Is that tomorrow's copy?

Yeah, I'm just doing some
last-minute changes.

This woman right here
is worried that her mother

-might be marrying the wrong guy.
-Really?

Yeah, she thinks he might be
the devil incarnate.

Didn't we vanquish
the devil incarnate?

I told her

that unless she has absolute proof,
she should probably butt out

and let her sister live her own life.

-I thought this was about a mother.
-Yeah, well, you know what I mean.

Yeah, I think I do.

It's funny, this is the first job I've
gotten without a magical reason behind it.

Well, there may not have been
a magical reason,

but there was definitely a reason.

I just have to learn
to take my own advice.

Yeah, well, don't stop
worrying about me too much.

Okay.

Hey, sorry to interrupt.
You ready to go?

Yeah. We're going out.
Do you wanna join?

I would love to, actually,

but I'm gonna take a rain check.
It's been a long day.

Okay. Good night.

Hey, Paige,

-you're fired.
-Actually, I quit.

Listen, I want you to promise me

that before we take that thing
out of storage,

that you're gonna play lots
of football and baseball

and have lots of normal toys,
and maybe we'll even get a dog.

What do you think?

How we doing?

Uh, His Highness seems content.

-What about you?
-I'm doing all right.

At least I have my priorities straight
now. I was so busy doing stuff,

and all I really wanted to do
was hang out with him.

Well, you should have more time
for that now.

-I fixed the washer.
-You did?

And the sink and the cable
and the toilet.

Wow, I forgot how handy you were
to have around the house.

Pretty strange, huh?

Kind of scary, actually.

-Why?
-Well, we've seen what he can do

without the sword. I can't begin
to imagine what he could do with it.

Well, whatever it is,
it's meant to be.

Doesn't make it
any less scary, though.

But that's tomorrow's problem.
I'll worry about it then.

Okey-dokey.