Charmed (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 5 - Love's a Witch - full transcript

Uh, mail clerk at Dutton & Howser,
greeter at Yarn Mart,

pre-school assistant.
How are you at diapers?

Maybe I'm not making myself clear.

MAN:
No? Well, let's see, how about this?

Bagger at Grocery Plus.

Cashier at Lucy's Landscaping.

Computer programmer...
I don't think so.

Listen, I was just curious.

Why have all the temp jobs you've
sent me out on been so unusual?

Unusual? What's unusual
about a fruit packer?

Okay, maybe it's not the job.



It's kind of what happens to me
after I get there.

Things just kind of go little wonky.

You wouldn't happen to know
anything about that, would you?

-Mmm, no.
-No.

No. Okay, maybe it's just
a coincidence.

Although I don't believe
in coincidences.

Okay, look, here's the thing.
I'm not picky.

I'll take anything as long as it's really,
really normal.

Oh, you want normal.

I've got the perfect thing for you.

This is not what I had in mind.

Wasn't someone supposed
to call a trump?

Oh, yes, right. Trump.

I was just waiting for you.



Oh, I see.

Still can't believe you know
how to play pinochle.

Not a lot of young people
do anymore, you know.

I used to play with my grandma
all the time.

-Really? Lucky me.
-No, actually, lucky me.

Babysitting a sick old lady?
How is that lucky for you?

Well?

Well, I think it's time
for your medicine.

Watch out!

Mother? What, are you okay?

I'm okay, the sons of bitches
missed me.

Really, I'm okay.

So much for normal.

Piper, do you mind?

I'm trying to meditate,
if you haven't noticed.

-Can't you block out the noise?
-The vacuum cleaner I can block out,

-your nerves I can't.
-My nerves?

Oh, for God's sakes, woman.

I'm sorry, you're anxious,
I'm anxious.

But it's my first date, it's not yours.

Unfortunately, it feels as though
it's my first date.

Can't you control it?

What do you think I'm doing,
cleaning the chandelier?

Now that would be helpful.

[SCREAMS]

Talk about your psychic hit.

Hi, how's it going? Don't ask.

Are you hurt? What happened?

It's nothing, I'm fine.

You're not fine, Paige,
you're scared to death.

Why don't people in this family
own their emotions?

Okay, this empath thing?
Very annoying.

Copy that. Hey.

You haven't seen Leo, have you?

Oh, Chris, not now.

-Paige?
-It's nothing, I'm fine.

It doesn't look like nothing to me.
Was that an energy ball?

I don't know, I was playing pinochle,
I didn't see.

I'm temping. Grandma, she's got
some dark secrets, let me tell you.

-Another temp job involving magic?
-Yeah, right,

I'm never gonna get away.

-But you want to.
-Shush.

Sorry.

-Do you want me to get the Book?
-No, actually, I don't.

I wanna follow this one through
all by myself.

Oh.

She's feeling a little suppressed
by us.

You are?

You know, what I was talking about.
The temp job thing.

Why I'm trying to find my own path,
just separate from...

From us?

-I checked, no sign of...
-I should cancel my date.

What? Why?

Because we're having issues.

No, the issue is you're afraid
to date, Piper.

But you can't let your fears stop you.
You should.

Gee, I wonder why
I'm feeling suppressed.

Phoebe, this is ridiculous.
It's just getting worse.

I know.

So, what should I do?
Just keep all your feelings to myself?

Would that make you guys happy?

-Yeah.
-Yes.

Okay, then that's what I'll do.

Someone's hiding something
from me.

Just let me know if anyone
sees Leo, okay?

I gotta go back
and check on grandma.

Wait, you're going?
You're scared to death...

-Apple!
-I can't believe you'd still go...

Well, that's one way to do it.

All sold out, I'm afraid.

Good for me, bad for you.

-How long will it take to make more?
-The potion you desire

is pricey for a reason.

The main ingredient is quite rare
and hard to come by.

What secret are you
so eager to hide?

CHRIS:
Just tell me how long.

Hard to say. Six weeks or a month.

Demonic suppliers
are notoriously unreliable.

I can't wait, all right? I need it now.

Oh, the impatience of youth.

Then again, it takes a young heart
to brave great danger.

Spare me the Morpheus speech,
old man.

What are you saying?

Swampland is where you'll find
the kotochu egg your potion requires.

Now you understand the difficulty.

Fine, I'll get you your damn egg.

Just make sure you're ready
by the time I get back.

Hi, it's me, Paige?

Paige, your home-helper?

Please buzz me in.

[BUZZING]

Look, I know you're there.

I am not gonna expose you,
I promise. I just wanna help.

Don't you think it's a little risky
coming back here?

Please buzz me in, Miss Callaway.

No, seriously.
In case you didn't notice,

there's kind of a war going on
between these two homes.

I'm sure I don't know
what you're talking about.

Don't you?

It's me!

Pinochle girl.

Hey. You're not the first, you know.
Others have come to try to help.

You should leave before you get hurt.

I'm sure I can handle it, thanks.

You're not a muse, that's for sure.

Or a whitelighter.

-You're a witch like us.
-How do you know that?

Ever since I was a kid,
one sort of magical being or another

has come to try to help end the feud.

Hasn't worked, though.

I mean, this last truce
was the longest, but...

-Okay, go, "Ah."
-Ah.

Good. All right, take a look.

Yeah, okay.

Think newly-single mom,
not two-bit hooker.

Okay, we try again.

You're a little distracted.

I'm having a very hard time
concentrating.

I think this empath power

-is driving me crazy.
-You?

Well, you try having PMS
for three sisters every month.

It's a good thing no one in the family
is having sex, I'd be feeling that too.

Yeah, okay, so let's skip
the "vamp red."

You know, if I can't ignore
the bloating

and the cramping
and the mood swings,

how am I supposed to ignore the fact
that my sister is scared to death?

-Phoebe.
-All right, okay,

I'm just gonna
mind my own business.

All we have to do is respect
what Paige wants.

And clearly what she wants
is not our help.

She thinks that's what she wants,
but I know what she really wants.

What she really wants is our help.

-That's it, I'm staying home.
-What? Why?

To make sure you leave Paige alone.

No, Piper, no. You have to go out.

You need to go out.
And this is not me channeling.

This is just me talking.

Trust me. The sooner you get back on
the dating horse, the easier it will be.

No, I know. You're right,
you're absolutely right.

The truth is, I'm a little scared.

I mean, I was married to an angel,
for crying out loud.

Who is gonna compare to that?

But, Piper, you also dated a demon,
a warlock and a ghost.

That's what you should be scared of.

Super pep talk, sis.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You look beautiful.

-Hey.
-Hi.

Wow, you look great.

I'm not surprised, it's just that
you normally...

Oh, yeah, no bottle, no binky.

Yeah, no spit up.

-Yeah.
PHOEBE: Psst.

So you ready? Wanna go?

-Mmm-hmm.
PHOEBE: Psst.

[WHISPERING]
He likes you, I can tell.

One second.

[WHISPERING]
Leave Paige alone, I mean it.

I will. I will.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay.
-Have fun, have fun.

I will leave Paige alone...
I can't. I can't. Chris!

Yeah?

I need you to watch Wyatt for me.

What? No, no way.

What's wrong?
Why are you worried?

What's wrong?
What's wrong is I don't do babies.

One-and-under crowd?
Not my thing.

Leo, however, great with kids.
Especially his own.

-You're not following me, are you?
-Why, should I be?

Oh, there's a lot of love in this room.

Okay, so there's a bottle in the fridge
if Wyatt wakes up

and the diaper rash cream
only if he needs it, okay?

We gotta keep that butt moist.

Did you get that?

Phoebe.
Phoebe, wait, wait, wait.

I can't do this right now,
I gotta follow up...

...on some things.

I have to check on Paige

-and make sure she's all right.
-Where's Piper?

Piper is...

She's kind of, uh...

Piper's on a date.

Oh. Oh.

I'm so sorry, you're hurting.

I'm here for you.
I just can't be here for you right now.

I'm gonna be in there for you,
though.

Checking on Paige.

Lead me back
From whence this came

Help me help my sister's pain

-I want her out of here, Richard.
-She wants the fighting to stop.

Yeah? How come the fighting
started the minute she showed up?

Probably just a coincidence.

I thought you didn't believe
in coincidences.

Hey.

-Here, drink that.
-What is it?

It's a family recipe,
make you feel better,

speed up the healing process.

I'm the one that shouldn't trust you,
remember? Drink up.

Are those potions?

Yeah, I told you, we're witches.

Good ones or bad ones?

What do you think?

I don't know, you did just try to fry
an 80-year-old with an energy ball.

That was the Callaways,
they made it look like it was us.

-It was a setup.
-Okay, so they're bad?

Well, no, they're not bad,
they're just bad to us.

[FOOTSTEPS POUNDING]

See those scars?

Years ago, the Callaways
cast a plague on us.

Of course, in return,
we cursed them with boils.

Or was it the boils
and then the plague...?

I can't remember. A feud this long,
you start to lose track, you know.

How come you don't have scars?

You can't curse people
that don't practice magic.

I don't do that anymore.

Why not?

Last time I did, it... It brought me
to a place I don't wanna go again.

That's Olivia, my fiancée.

Olivia Callaway.

Hmm... Sleeping with the enemy.

She was actually killed
in the crossfire last year.

I'm... I'm really sorry.

It's all right, you didn't know.

She'd be more upset than anybody
that this truce ended.

She... She wanted peace.

Maybe that's why I'm here, to help.

-Boo.
-What?

Olivia?

-But you're a...
-A ghost?

Yeah. Sucks, too, believe me.

-What do you want?
-What you took from me:

My life, my love.

And one way or another,
I'm gonna get them both back.

Now, just wait a minute. Don't...

There's a Charmed One here.
She'll come after you.

I'm counting on it.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, please, God, no.

Oh, my God.

I'll have the salmon
with fusilli and the eggplant.

And could you make sure they
use basil and not Italian parsley?

And could you ask them to sauté
the eggplant lightly?

And also grill the salmon
after the pasta is done?

That way it won't dry out.
Thank you.

WAITER:
Mm-hmm.

-What?
-Nothing.

I just never dated an ex-chef before,
that's all.

Oh, was I being too picky?

No, no.

Yeah, I was. It's... I'm sorry,
I'm just a little...

Nervous.

-Is it that obvious?
-Nah, it's just...

It's my fault, this is not a very good
first-date place.

Oh, no, no, it's fine.

It's just, you know,
that I haven't dated in a while.

How long were you...?
Were you married?

Two years,
but we were together four.

It gets easier.

I think I went on five,
six dates after my divorce

until finally I started feeling
comfortable dating people again.

Oh, so I guess you don't mind
being the guinea pig, then.

Not at all.

If you don't mind me asking,
when's your divorce finalized?

My divorce?

You... You filed, right?

Umm, not exactly. It's, uh... It's kind of
a weird arrangement.

It's hard to explain, but...

Piper.

What...? What are you doing here?

Why are you covered in mud?

Excuse me a second.
Who is this?

Me? I'm from the future.

-What?
-Excuse us.

Are you crazy?

You're not serious
about that guy, are you?

Uh...

You know what?
That is none of your business.

-Where have you been?
-That's none of your business.

You better get home
before your sisters kill each other.

What? Why, what happened?
Oh, no. Phoebe?

Paige, I said I'm sorry.
What more do you want from me?

Sorry doesn't begin to cover it.

I was worried about you.
I thought you were in trouble.

-Then why were you at the Callaways'?
-The spell was to take me to you.

How was I supposed to know
you were across the street?

You weren't supposed to know.
You weren't supposed to be involved.

It's a good thing I did get involved.
Obviously there's a war going on.

-I can handle it.
-Really?

[WHISTLES]

-Hi! Hey, what is this about a war?
-Ask Miss Buttinsky over there.

She was with the Callaways
when they killed Richard's dad.

Paige, I'm telling you,
they didn't kill anyone.

-I was there.
-Yeah, so was I.

Can you guys keep it down?

-I just got Wyatt to sleep.
-What are you doing here?

Okay, in the living room,
in the living room. Let's go, let's go.

-Can I go now?
-No.

Paige, I'm telling you, the energy ball
did not come from the Callaways.

I saw it come through
the Callaways' window.

-It couldn't have.
-Oh, she's taking sides.

Paige, it's not only what I saw,
but it's what I felt.

Don't you think if they
just tried to kill someone,

I would've felt some intense anger
coming from them? But I didn't.

I don't know. Are you sensing any
intense anger coming at you right now?

No, but what I can sense
is that maybe your attraction

to this Richard guy is clouding
your better judgment.

I hate talking to an empath.

Wait a second, hold it.

Didn't they fire on the Callaway
grandmother when you got hurt?

Maybe this is just retribution.

No, Richard said his family didn't
fire on them. I believe him.

Then where did the energy ball come
from? They don't just materialize.

-Maybe they do.
-What do you mean?

Well, if Richard says
it was no one in his family,

maybe it was somebody else,
maybe a third party.

If so, the two families need to know
before this escalates.

Do you think you could get them
to come here?

-What, like peace talks?
-Yeah, why not?

You've got an elder right here,
who better to mediate?

Good luck.

I actually think this could work.

I don't know, this feud's
gone back for generations.

I don't even think
they know how it started.

Still, it's worth a shot.

Nicely done.

-These aren't easy to find.
-Tell me about it.

How long before it's ready?

You'll have it...

...when you need it.

What are you doing?

Paige, get out of here.
It's none of your business.

-I thought you weren't using magic.
-Just save me the speech.

I don't need it. Go save an innocent
or something.

Yeah, I'm trying.

Look, they killed my fiancée,
they killed my dad,

what do you want me to do,
just sit back and watch?

We don't know
the Callaways even did it.

Who then?

-I don't know.
-"I don't know."

Great. Just go, please,
before you get hurt.

Hi. You have two choices.

Either you go over to the Callaways'
and use your considerable influence,

not to mention your fairly
neutral reputation,

-and bring them to the peace table...
-What?

Or I can orb your butt down
to purgatory

and you can spend all of eternity
getting a lovely sunburn.

-You're crazy.
-Quite possibly.

More importantly, I'm serious.
Look, it's the only way to end the feud.

It's what Olivia would have wanted,
right?

This it?

That's it, drop it in.

What are you looking for?

I want to see if Paige was actually hit
by an energy ball after all.

-What else could it be?
-Let's see.

So, umm...

...how was your date?

Short.

Oh, really? Sorry.

Short? You mean, like,
"leprechaun" short?

No, Leo, he wasn't short,
the date was cut short by this.

Oh, right.

Sorry.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So, uh...

...don't you think
you should use protection?

-I mean for your hands, the soup?
-Okay.

Look, I know this is awkward,
me being here and all.

It's just as I suspected.

-What does that mean?
-Not you, the pan.

Keep up, will you?

Her shirt, it's getting lighter,
which means

Paige was not hit by an energy ball,
she was hit by a plasma ball.

-Plasma?
-And plasma only occurs

on the spiritual plane.

Okay, they're all here

and these people are in major need
of peace talks.

Actually, what they need is a séance.

You think a ghost
is trying to break the truce?

An angry relative maybe?

Someone who's still tethered
to the feud.

Someone who can't or won't let go.

-Why didn't you tell me about this?
-No time, sorry.

This is ridiculous.

-Just another one of their tricks.
-No, it's not.

I asked them to come,
just let it play out.

By summoning the spirit,
we bring them into our plane.

So be careful not to break the circle
until we've helped it move on.

Or else we're gonna have some
angry spirits running amok.

Everybody ready?

[MOANING]

Phoebe?

Oh, sorry. It's just there's...
Everybody's like:

Paige?

Unknown spirit, we call to thee
Those who wish to set you free

Cross on over so we may help
Come to us, reveal yourself

Hold on.

Olivia.

Hello, Daddy. Miss me?

Richard.

I don't understand.

You attacked us. Why?

Because you didn't avenge my death,
that's why.

But you were hit by one of your own.

Or so you were led to think.
But that's not exactly true.

Is it, Steve?

It was an accident.

We were set up.

Okay, don't break the chain.

We wouldn't want that,
would we, Paige?

Okay, we have to move this
along now because... Woo.

This can't be right.

That... That can't be you.

I was wrong about the feud, Richard.
It can never end, I know that now.

But that doesn't mean
we can't still be together.

Once I have my revenge.

-Your son killed my daughter.
-Your daughter killed my husband.

Come on.

Richard, don't go.

Okay, next time I tell you to butt out,
butt out.

Richard, wait.

Why don't we go after Richard
together?

[GROANING]

Hey, what are you doing,
making soup?

Umm, not exactly.

"Banishing a ghost."

Wait, I thought we weren't gonna
try and help Paige anymore.

We're not. We're assisting.

Oh, we're assisting.

We're just giving her a little ammo,
should she need it.

You know, that was one
really pissed off ghost.

That was also one
very pissed off sister.

Which is why we are not helping her.
Not directly.

We're just giving her an option.

-You're worried.
-So?

So you can actually worry,
and really you're just worried.

Whereas if I worry, people think
that I'm psychically intruding.

Precisely. Now, I need to call Leo
so he can babysit.

I could call him if you want me to.

Just trying to help.

I know you want me to, though.

-Knock, knock.
-You ever give up?

Never.

Penny for your thoughts.

What?

Olivia used to say that.

Oh, I should be more careful.

Must have been hard.

Seeing her again after all that time.

Yeah.

She just seemed so bitter, you know?

Bitter? She wasn't bitter,
she was pissed.

I mean, I would be
if I'd lost everything.

Just wasn't like her.

Well, maybe she was lonely.

Maybe she was just reaching out.

And maybe she just wants
some justice.

Justice?

She wants revenge.

There's something to be said
for revenge.

Weren't you the one
advocating peace?

Said you'd send me to purgatory
if I didn't agree.

Well, a girl's allowed
to change her mind, right?

And if Olivia's right,
and the feud can't be stopped...

...then the last man standing wins.

Besides...

...I'll be there.

You won't be alone.

Why are you doing this?

Because it's the right thing to do.

Together, we can't lose.

Are you sure this is gonna work?

As long as it doesn't
make you violently ill.

Side effects, you never know.

Thanks for the tip.

You sure it's worth the risk?

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't.

-He won't tell me.
-Tell you what?

LEO:
What you need the potion for.

Other than to hide your secrets,
that is.

What? This was all a setup?
This isn't even legit?

It's legit, all right.

But I'm afraid you have to answer
to a higher power now.

Go ahead, take it.
It wasn't for me anyway.

-Really?
-I got it for the sisters.

Phoebe's new power's wreaking
havoc on their relationship...

...or haven't you noticed?

You expect me to believe this
wasn't meant to protect your secrets?

No, I don't.

But seeing as how you haven't
figured me out yet,

why would I even need it?

Don't get too cocky, kid.

Wouldn't want me to clip
your wings, now, would you?

Looks like Wyatt needs
another babysitter, Dad.

All right, how fast can you make
another one?

Take it, don't be afraid.

You can do it.

They're attacking!

-Uh...
-Think she needs help now?

[GRUNTING]

Mom!

Aah!

PIPER:
Oh!

Richard?

Richard, please wake up.

Richard, please wake up.

It's me, it's Olivia.

Oh, no.

[MOANING]

If I can't have him in life,
I'm gonna have him in death.

Oh, Richard. Richard!

It's okay.

You're all right, sweetheart.

We couldn't be together before.

We can be together now.

No!

PAIGE:
Don't fight it.

Just breathe.

RICHARD:
Olivia, please don't do this to me.

PAIGE:
It's the only way.

It's the only way we can be together.

Dying's not so hard.

That's it.

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

PAIGE:
Just breathe.

Blood to blood, I summon thee
Blood to blood, return to me

-It's not working.
-Neither is scrying.

I knew I should have
followed my instincts.

I knew that she was in
over her head.

-Phoebe...
-What?

I know I'm driving everyone crazy
with my power,

but it doesn't mean I'm not right.

We're all tense, but that's not gonna
help us get Paige back.

What is? It's like
she doesn't even exist anymore.

Well, that's because Olivia's energy
is suppressing hers.

So maybe we should be
scrying for Olivia.

Only we'd need something of hers
to scry with.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

We think we know where they are.

We want to help end this
before we lose anyone else.

Come on in.

You're too late.

No, we're not.

-Paige.
-I'm okay.

[GASPS]

-Phoebe, the potion.
-You don't need to banish her.

No, you felt her anger
but I felt her pain.

I know how much you loved him.

How much it hurts to have lost him.

You have to let him live.

It's the only way for you
to move on and get out of limbo.

Olivia, please,
come away from vengeance

and come back to forgiveness,
back to who you were.

Just let the feud end with life
and not with death.

I'm scared.

I know.

Forgive me.

PAIGE: Come on, you can't stay
in there forever.

Yes, I can.

PIPER:
Phoebe, this is nuts. Open the door.

-No.
CHRIS: Phoebe!

Okay, let's see if this one works.

In the name of the Halliwell line

Bar my sisters
From this power of mine

CHRIS: Phoebe.
PAIGE: Phoebe!

It's not working,
I can still feel your frustration.

-I don't know what else to do.
-Hey.

People lock doors for a reason.

I figure if you can use your powers
to intrude on my life,

then I can use mine to intrude
on yours.

Phoebe, none of us like this new
power of yours any more than you.

But it's pointless to isolate yourself.

Well, if I can't read you,
I can't hurt you.

How about instead of trying to control
your power, you control yourself?

Because, Paige, I can't.

I can sense how annoyed you
are and that's hurting me.

What's annoying me is I discovered
I have this magical destiny

and I can't trust you to leave me
alone for me to follow it.

What do you think I'm trying to do?

Let's look at the bright side.

We settled a family feud,
we set free a tortured soul,

maybe your new power
and Paige's new solo path

away from the sisterhood
is some kind of synergy,

that it's all working together
in some kind of divine way.

-Nah.
-Nah.

Leo didn't give you
the empath-blocking potion?

What potion?

-Wha...?
-Leo!

-Where is it?
PHOEBE: Give me, give me...

-Faster.
-Come on, come on.

They're anxious about that potion.

I think you should wait. Phoebe
was given her power for a reason...

Forget that.

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

-Yes.
PIPER: Hallelujah!

I have to go finish a game
of pinochle with Grandma Callaway.

-Maybe you'll run into Richard.
-I'm sorry?

That was a sister thing,
not an empath thing.

Come on.

So it worked, right?

No nausea, no queasiness,
nothing like that?

Nope, nothing.

Well, it looks like we're one, big,
happy family again.

You're not family.

LEO: Piper?
-Hmm?

I, uh... I want to apologize.

For what?

For, uh, being...

...around so much.

I know you asked for your space
and I want to honor that but it's just...

Yeah. No, I understand.

-I'm not upset.
-Good.

I don't really think it's necessary
anymore.

Besides, I can't think of a better
babysitter for Wyatt than his daddy.

Really?

Anytime.

I know this hasn't been easy
for you, either.

But I really appreciate it.

It's given me some time to think.

About?

About where we go from here.

And I think it's time
maybe we make it official.

You know, legal.

[PHONE RINGS]

I understand.

PHOEBE:
Piper, Seth's on the phone.

[LAUGHS]

Guess you better get that.

Yeah.