Charmed (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 5 - Witches in Tights - full transcript

29.970

What are you doing?

D. J. 'S really good, huh?

Yeah. Too bad she's not really good at P- 3.

Right. Sorry.

Focus. We are here on business, not pleasure.

Ok. I know, I know,

but don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?

No, I don't.

This club has become the hottest thing in town,

and I'd like to know what they're doing that I am not.



P- 3's still doing great.

Not as great as it used to be, thanks to me.

Well, Piper, you're having a baby.

Your priorities have changed.

Yeah, well, haven't you heard?

Women can have careers and babies now, it's been in all the papers.

Well, are those women trying to save the world from demons, too?

Oh, for god's sakes, people, get a room.

What are you doing here?

Well, you know, just hanging out.

You couldn't hang out at our club?

What? And miss this D. J.?

Come on.

My other sister Piper and her husband Leo. This is Dave.



Nice to meet you.

Yeah. You, too, mate.

I didn't know there was a "Dave".

Oh, we've only been hanging out for, like, three weeks.

Weeks?

Here you go!

Oh, hi.

Wow, you're up late.

What are you doing here?

Right back at you.

Dave, how'bout I buy you a drink?

I've got one, thanks.

That's not going to be enough.

Thought you said you were working tonight.

Yeah, well, actually, I'm working here.

You know, I thought that guys could help me with my advice to other guys.

You know? And that guy over there with the dimples...

Huge help.

Wow, see, yeah, I don't know what bugs me more: The fact that you guys are here,

or that you're here without me.

Oh, we just didn't think it'd be good for the baby.

You know, all the noise, and the people.

Yeah, I know, but sometimes it's good for the mommy to get out.

Ok. So, you would've wanted to come?

No. But that is beside the point.

You're a very confusing woman.

It's all right. It's no big deal.

You guys, I'll see you at home.

You still think this is a good idea?

Well, you know Piper.

She won't slow down unless someone slows her down.

I just don't want to do anything to add to her stress.

You seem stressed.

Oh, no. You scared me.

What are you doing out here?

Door is locked, so I thought I'd practice drawing while I waited.

Good.

Not really.

I don't know, I just can't seem to make it work.

I've done everything you've said.

Tried to focus and...

Then, you're not trying hard enough.

You have a special gift, Kevin.

A very special gift.

And if you're to master it, you have to believe in it fully.

You draw to see it better, but it'll never be real.

Not unless you make it real in your mind's eye.

Make it real, Kevin.

Make it come to life.

Oh, my god! It worked!

Ok, how do we make it go away?

Now it's time to make that hero of yours real, too.

To take care of your little problem.

And then, take care of mine.

Magic Wears A Mask

What are you doing here, fool?

I'm just trying to get home, Kaz.

Listen!

We've had this conversation.

This is where I do my business, all right?

And I don't like getting bothered.

Turn around.

It's going to cost you.

What is this?

Is this me?

Getting my ass kicked by you?

Catch you next time, little man.

All right, that's enough for tonight.

What is this, Halloween?

Who the hell are you, fool?

I'm the Aggressor.

The Aggressor?

Whoever you are, you just made a serious mistake.

Right behind you.

Morning.

Morning.

Did you just get home?

Pickles and hot fudge sauce and mustard?

Are you seriously eating that?

That was the plan.

Wait a minute.

You didn't come home all night?

No,"mom". Why?

I must be going nuts,

because I could have sworn I saw you when I walked past your room.

Was it about 2:30?

Was I half- naked?

Paige, what's going on?

Nothing. I don't want to bother you.

You're not bothering me.

Why does everybody think they're bothering me all of a sudden?

I'm not bothered.

What's the matter?

Well, I was sort of messing around with Dave and...

"Messing around"?

Yeah.

Having sex.

See, that's why I don't want to talk to you about this.

It's weird talking to a pregnant lady about sex, anyway.

How do you think I got pregnant?

I don't want to know that, either.

Anyway...

so, we were doing, you know,

and I was about to, you know, and suddenly I orbed out upstairs.

Oh my god.

You didn't.

Did he notice?

No, thank god.

I orbed back in before the lights came back on.

Talk about embarrassing!

Forget embarrassing, Paige.

You could have had some serious explaining to do.

Well, I didn't plan on orbing out, Piper.

Wasn't exactly my particular goal at the moment.

So, why do you think this is happening.

I mean, is he not getting the job done?

He's getting the job done fine.

I think I like him a lot, and,

I mean, other than Glenn, he's the first guy I've been with since I found out I was a witch.

And, I think I'm so busy protecting this big ol' secret of ours,

I guess I can't really let my guard down.

How'd you do it?

Marry an angel.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you all right?

Been orbing long, have we?

Hey, I'm a little nervous.

Leo, what happened?

We heard a crash.

He missed.

Who's the critic?

This is Ramus. He's an Elder.

An Elder! Really?

I thought you told us he wasn't coming until tonight.

Told us? Nobody told me anything.

Well, we didn't want you to worry about demonic threats until it was absolutely necessary.

What threats?

Well, I suppose this will have to do.

What are you two up to?

It was Phoebe's idea.

We were just trying to make things a little easier, that's all.

You know, relieve some stress.

Well, stop it because it's pissing me off.

I'm pregnant, not terminal.

So, what is he doing here?

Ramus is retiring.

He came down to pass on his powers to a new Elder.

So...

So?

There isn't a demon alive who wouldn't love to have his powers.

So, the Elders want you to protect him in case there's an attack.

Why couldn't he just orb out?

Because my powers are mental, young lady, not physical.

You'd think a charge of yours would know something as basic as that.

Nothing wrong with his hearing.

No. Just his attitude.

What?

A little respect.

Oh, for crying out loud.

So, who is this new Elder and when does he get here?

We don't know who he is.

All we know, is that the transfer must take place during tonight's equinox,

or else I will lose my powers forever.

So, we're just supposed to sit around here and wait?

Yes... unfortunately.

I was getting worried about you, Kevin.

Arnon, you scared me.

Sorry.

Where's the Aggressor?

He's gone.

I ripped up the drawing.

You what?

He killed a guy.

Arnon, he killed Kaz.

Isn't that why you wanted me to help you create your superhero in the first place?

No! Not to kill. I never wanted that.

He was a bad guy, wasn't he?

Just like Ramus is.

I'm not drawing him again.

Arnon, I'm sorry.

We had a deal.

I help you, you help me, remember?

Now, I need the Aggressor to take out Ramus, to rid him of his powers.

Why can't you just take him out yourself?

I told you.

I only have the ability to sense great powers, not possess them.

That's how I found you.

That's how I'll find Ramus.

Now, help me do the right thing, Kevin.

Bring your superhero back to life,

before somebody else loses theirs.

Those are all life and death?

Well, not literally. At least, not most of them.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't keep up. They just keep coming.

What can you do?

Answer two or three a day and ignore the rest.

You can't help everybody.

Yeah. That's the problem.

I got it. Thanks.

So, what do you say to an overbearing younger sister

who's treating her pregnant older sister like a porcelain doll?

Thank you?

How about "knock it off"?

That's probably better advice.

Are you mad at me?

No. Not if you come home and baby- sit Ramus.

Oh, sweetie, I can't.

I've got a gazillion letters that I have to get to.

Well, Bored in Berkeley can wait.

I've got D. J. s to audition.

No. Believe me, these are a lot more serious than that.

And you're not supposed to be going to work, anyway.

I'm sorry.

Can't I worry about my niece?

Ok, look, what about Paige? Can she come?

Apparently not.

She's with Dave, trying desperately not to orb.

Oh, for goodness sakes.

Ok, well, what about...

Watching an Elder?

I really don't think that's a good idea.

I'll be home as soon as I can, ok?

Whatever it is, I don't have time.

No, you don't understand, this isn't about us.

I need your help.

Yeah, who doesn't?

You ever heard of Edward Miller the slum lord?

He took millions from the city in renovation money,

but instead of fixing up the buildings, he's trying to kick the tenants out.

Well, how is he able to do that?

I don't know, but that's why I'm trying to get an injunction to stop him.

Oh, really? You?

What's with all the red tape?

Why don't you just turn him into a fountain pen?

Believe me, I'm tempted, but,

I've decided I'm not going to use my powers, no matter what.

Since when?

Since I tried to strangle you with them.

I'll be working from home for the rest of the day.

Listen to me, this is legitimate.

These people are going to be evicted tonight, and I can't get an injunction until tomorrow.

I mean, if you could just threaten to expose him in your paper,

or maybe even leak it to a tv station.

Cole, I don't have enough time to help my readers with their problems right now.

But we're talking about whole families, here.

Kids and babies with nowhere to go.

I think it's great that you want to help,

I really do, but I can't.

I am powerless to do anything right now.

You may be a lot of things, but powerless isn't one of them.

Was he talking about Edward Miller the slum lord?

Actually, you did get some letters from some of his tenants.

Really? I haven't seen them.

No. You haven't gotten to them.

Did you?

No.

I didn't think so.

It's not you, Dave.

Trust me, it's me.

You keep saying that, Paige, but what does that mean?

It's complicated.

Well, you're in luck,

because I happen to specialize in complicated.

Come on, talk to me. You won't scare me away.

Promise?

It's just that I'm...

really different than other girls.

I know. That's what I like about you.

No, I mean really different.

More than you could possibly imagine.

So, are you all right with that?

All right with what?

Forget it.

Forget what?

Look, I'm not a freak.

It's not like I have a tail or something.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Just forget I said anything.

But you didn't say anything.

You know, I think I got closer that time.

You want to try again?

What are you doing?

Would you mind?

My meditation requires peace and quiet.

Well, then you're in the wrong house, pal.

Have you seen my husband?

He's upstairs.

Ok, could you tell him I'll be at P- 3?

He can watch over you until Phoebe shows up.

I'll tell him no such thing.

It is your job to protect me, not his.

Those are the rules.

A little history lesson: I'm not a big fan of your rules.

In fact, I take pride in breaking them.

I know. You've been a real pain over the years.

Oh, you mean marrying Leo?

Yes, I know you Elders were dead- set against that.

Not all of us.

Some of us foresaw the special baby you'd be carrying.

Still, that doesn't...

what do you mean "special?"

Wait. What do you mean?

Oh, don't get excited, I can't stay long.

You'll see.

It is an honor and a pleasure to meet an Elder.

Sir, really.

Ok, but I got to go.

I'm sorry, but if I don't stop that dirt bag landlord, he's—

What's the matter?

Someone's coming... for me!

Hurry, freeze him!

Damn it, I was so close!

I don't want to hurt you.

I just want him.

Yeah, well, forget about it.

Who was that masked man?

Ok, we should look under

actually, I have no idea what to look under.

Well, he had a great big, giant "A" on his chest.

How about "A"?

I'm telling you, you're not going to find him in the Book of Shadows.

At a comic book convention, maybe.

He could still be a demon.

Paige, he was in tights.

Ramus is safe for now, but he can't stay up there long,

otherwise he'll miss the equinox.

Oh, can't he just wait for the next one?

No, he can't, otherwise he'll miss his chance to pass on his powers to his successor.

But tonight's my only night to help the families being evicted.

Otherwise they'll be on the streets.

I think supervillains trump slum lords.

Where did you orb in from?

I was dealing with some personal problems.

Well, I'm your Whitelighter, so if you ever want to talk...

Can we please just concentrate on the comic book guy?

Well, comic books wouldn't be a bad place to start.

Remember the Demon of Illusion?

He was before you.

He literally hid in movies.

So this guy could be hiding in comics, or coming out of them, somehow.

So we need to check comic book stores?

No. That's going to take forever.

All right, go deal with your slum lord, I'll catch up with you later.

No, it's ok. We should do it together.

No. If I see some dude in tights, I'll just orb out.

Paige, it's dangerous, you shouldn't do it alone.

Well, guess what?

She won't have to. Remember me?

The Invisible Woman?

Now you two have got to cut this crap out now!

Come on, let's go get you into something less comfortable.

How could The Aggressor fail?

You told me you drew him invincible.

The equinox comes around once in a lifetime.

I don't plan on spending the rest of that lifetime sensing power.

I want power. Ramus' power.

I tried.

Not hard enough.

You'll draw a new Aggressor. Stronger.

One that can handle the witches when Ramus returns.

What if I turn The Aggressor onto you?

I'd kill you before you could try.

And then I'd kill the rest of the people in your life who still care about you.

I may not have much power, but I have enough to do that.

Now, draw.

Phoebe Halliwell, Bay Mirror. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.

No. I don't think so.

So how does it feel to be the most hated man in the city?

Excuse me?

Well, at least not until tomorrow, when the morning edition comes out,

and everyone reads that you're forcing innocent families out on the streets.

You print that, lady, and I'll sue you for libel.

Now, I'm a little rusty on my law, but,

how can it be libel when it's actually the truth?

Get out of my way.

Look! You can run, but you cannot hide, mister.

My newspaper's going to do a huge exposé on this.

You won't get away with it.

I already have.

Well, we have a few more stores to check out.

Maybe we'll still find something.

Yeah. More lonely superheroes who have to hide their true identities,

which does not bode well for my love life.

Paige, let me ask you a question.

Are you going to marry Dave?

No. I just met him.

Well, then relax and worry about it when you've got to worry about it.

What just happened here?

Now, see, I was kind of hoping you could tell me.

Help! Somebody please help!

Get out of the car! Now!

Not exactly what I had in mind, but it'll do.

How's it going?

Are you all right?

Who are you people?

Where did you come from?

That's a mighty good question, lady.

They don't have to move! They can stay for a year.

Ten years!

What about the cockroaches? Are you going to do something about the cockroaches?

First thing tomorrow, just please don't drop me! Please!

What are you doing here?

Well, I got a call from one of the tenants saying that,"Wonder Woman" was terrorizing the landlord.

What the hell are you doing?

Well, I'm teaching my buddy here how important it is to be a better person.

Are you a better person yet?

I'm slipping!

Oh no no, you're not slipping.

THAT'S slipping.

Don't call me "honey" anymore.

I don't know what's going on here, but this is not you, literally.

Are you kidding? This is better than me.

This is "New and Improved" me.

Not only can I help my readers, but I can help the entire city.

Careful, he's got ears.

Oh, please, relax.

The only thing he can hear right now is the blood rushing to his brain.

One more slip- up, Edward, and we'll end up right back up here.

Phoebe, are you out of your mind?

What if somebody sees you?

That's why we wear masks.

We?

Yeah. Superheroes.

Ok, Cole, I've got to go, because I have a lot of loyal readers that need my help.

I want you to find out everything you can about Cole Turner's wife.

His wife? Why?

Just do it.

Head rush! Let's do it again!

No! What if somebody sees us?

Sees us? We're blurs.

Besides, who cares?

Ok. Give me a sec while my organs catch up.

Nice outfit!

Back at ya, sis!

Yeah, ok, but where did we get them?

I don't know, and I don't care.

All I know is I'm on a roll.

I've helped so many readers... today.

What?

I don't know, but suddenly I don't feel so good about this.

It's like the masks are clouding our judgment, making us feel like we're invincible.

Yeah. See?

Yeah. Unfortunately.

I don't like it. I'm putting it back on.

No, Paige, we need to think clearly, so we can figure out who did this to us.

Thank you.

What are you waiting for?

How do we know if we heal him he's not going to try to kill you guys again?

Leo, he's a kid.

Plus, killers don't usually thank you for killing them.

He thanked you?

Just hurry up.

What happened?

Before or after your alter- ego tried to kill us?

Come on!

What's your name?

Well, Kevin, you have some explaining to do.

Are you responsible for these outfits?

I was hoping you'd be able to stop The Aggressor.

The Aggressor? Don't you mean you?

We were going to kill you. We almost did.

Is that what you wanted?

I didn't know what else to do.

I didn't want to hurt anyone else.

And then after our first battle, I thought maybe if I drew you with more powers...

Hang on a second, mister.

What do you mean you "drew" us?

I've always been able to imagine things, and then make them come to life through my drawings.

Like you guys, The Protectors.

I never told anybody about what I could do.

I knew it'd freak people out, and I mean, hey, it freaked me out at first.

Thought projection is a very rare power. It means he's a witch, too.

Why did you make yourself a superhero?

Because I got tired of getting beaten up all the time.

Then Arnon came along and said he'd teach me how to focus my power.

Arnon? Who's that?

Somebody I wish I'd never met.

He used me to get to Ramus.

Said he was a bad guy, that we had to stop him.

But all Arnon wanted were his powers.

The Elders, they want me to bring Ramus back down.

No, you can't. Not until we find out a way to stop Arnon.

Well, I don't have a choice.

The equinox is starting.

He'll kill Ramus.

He can't. Not without The Aggressor.

We can't know that for sure.

You have to wait until we find him.

Yeah. But how?

I know how.

Arnon doesn't know The Aggressor failed yet.

So, all you have to do is follow me back to his hideout.

No. That is too dangerous.

I won't be in danger, not with you guys there.

With all your superpowers and your superhearing,

you'll easily be able to overpower him, trust me.

After all, I drew you, didn't I?

Ok, but you have to do exactly what we say...

Promise.

Is this it?

Yeah. Through that door.

Do you hear anything inside?

Rats, dripping water, cockroaches.

Might as well be my old apartment.

I don't hear any Arnon now.

Well, at least you didn't break anything this time.

Actually, I think we'd be safer upstairs.

No. Here is fine.

With all the doors, if anybody attacks...

Anybody who attacks doesn't need doors, Leo. Relax.

There's nothing either of us can do to change what's meant to be.

What is that supposed to mean?

What aren't you telling me?

Actually, quite a bit.

Look, Leo, you know as well as I do that there is a reason for everything,

which means there is a reason for here... for now.

Well, how the hell am I supposed to protect you if I don't know what the hell is going on?

Sorry...

No, no. I like that.

You could stand to be a little tougher sometimes.

You know, just because you're an angel doesn't mean you can't kick some ass now and again.

Leo, my fate is sealed. Win or lose.

I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Which means that there's nothing more either of us can do to change that.

There is, however, perhaps something I can do for you.

What do you mean?

I am an Elder, and I can foresee the future.

Enough of it, anyway, to give you a glimpse if you're interested.

Isn't that against the rules?

I'm retiring. What do I care?

You can ask me one question, and one question only.

Will our baby be healthy?

Yes. Very healthy.

And more powerful than you can even imagine.

Ok, listen. You're going to go in there.

Summon him, ok?

But when he comes, call for us and we'll get you out of there in a flash.

The slightest peep, I'll hear it.

You don't have to do this, you know.

No. I want to.

You ok?

Arnon? Arnon, it's me, K —

You betrayed me.

Now that I know you can draw powers for others, you can draw some for me.

Stupid planes, all hear is ringing in my ears.

Ok. Forget it. We got to get him out of there.

Kevin, wake up. Come on.

What is this?

Another Aggressor?

That's right.

Everybody still alive?

I'm not sure yet.

No complaining.

You were the one that didn't want to be pampered, remember?

I take it back! I take it back!

At least you have a baby that can heal you.

Yeah, open wounds, but apparently not aches and pains.

God, oh, god, I'm so sorry about this!

It's ok. It's not your fault.

I didn't have a choice.

Arnon threatened to kill me if I didn't.

Doesn't matter. All that matters is that you're fine.

For now, until he needs me to draw him even more powers.

He won't need any more powers if he gets to Ramus before we do.

Ok, so how do we stop him?

We're not superheroes anymore.

I could make you superheroes again.

No. That'll take too long.

He'll have Ramus by then.

So, how do we stop him?

As super witches.

But you couldn't stop my superhero as witches.

How are you going to stop Arnon's?

Ok, so we'll rip up his drawing and turn him back into the wimpy demon that he is.

You can't. He took the drawing with him.

Will you just relax? You're making me nervous.

Ok, well, something isn't right. I can sense it.

Leo, I've told you, you've already done your job.

Now it's time to let your charges do theirs.

Well, I just don't understand what's taking so long.

See, they should be home by now.

They will be. They're just going to be too late.

You know what, I'm getting you out of here.

I'm afraid this is going to hurt.

Looks like getting your powers will be even easier than I thought.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

You're too late. Ramus is dead.

Paige, now!

Boot!

Left! I meant left boot!

Oh, for goodness sakes! Left boot!

Yeah, don't you just hate it when that happens?

Fortunately, since you have Ramus' power, you should be able

to foresee what's going to happen next.

It's going to hurt, isn't it?

What the hell is that?

What just happened?

Looks like Ramus was able to pass his powers on to the new Elder after all.

An Elder is only thirteen!

Elders are like kings. They can be any age.

I don't understand. What does this mean?

Well, for one thing, it means that nobody's going to be pushing you around anymore.

You Turner?

Yeah. Who are you?

Edward Miller. You can call me Ed.

I've got nothing to say to you.

Yeah? Well, I've got something to say to you, as well as the little Missus.

You know, there's just a very certain, special way that married people talk to each other.

It's very distinctive to the ear.

Even when you're hanging upside down.

I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.

Really?

Maybe this will jog your memory.

Maybe we should go talk somewhere a little more private.

Looks like someone needs to get a room!

Cute. Very cute.

How's it going, Dave?

Never better, mate. Never better.

Really?

How about you guys go get us girls some drinks?

Sparkling or still?

Sparkling, of course.

Right. Oh, by the way, congrats on the club.

It's great and the D. J. Is wicked!

Thanks.

See? It's nice to know you still got it in you.

Although I'm beginning to realize that being number one in town just isn't as important as it used to be.

And neither is fighting demons, for that matter.

What? You didn't like being a superhero?

Oh, no. Are you kidding? It was awesome!

I mean, being a witch is still awesome.

It's just that there's a new number one in town.

Good for you!

Yeah. And apparently, good for you.

Since you worked through your issues with Dave, I gather.

Yes, I did, thank god.

I was just about to join a convent.

Must've been the pink leather broke you down.

Don't laugh, but, I think it might've been.

There's something about leaping over tall buildings in a single bound.

I guess that'll free any girl up.

And let your guard down.

I'm going to take your advice and just, you know, relax.

If he's Mr. Right, I'll tell him I fly around on broomsticks.

He may find out by himself.

What?

Cole just called.

He said the idiot slum lord wants to meet Cole and me now.

Why?

Oh, I don't know.

Something about having a tape of Cole's superhero ex- wife in action.

Oh, no.

What do you want?

Well, your wife off my back, for starters.

Then, maybe fifty grand a month.

Fifty grand.

Yeah. If they don't have it, they can certainly get it.

Just put on those, cute little outfits.

They don't have them anymore.

Well, they better find them.

I wouldn't try anything if I were you.

All right? This is just a copy.

I can find the original.

Oh yeah? How?

Well, I have certain powers, too.

But I'm trying very hard not to use them.

Very hard. I don't like what they do to me.

Yeah, ok. Whatever, pal.

Guess I'll just sell this to the highest bidder.

I can't let you do that.

Try and stop me.

Is he here?

Who?

Miller. Edward Miller. You said he was coming.

I took care of it.

What do you mean?

What does that mean?

Phoebe, he was going to expose you...

What was I supposed to do?

Phoebe, wait...