Charmed (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 18 - Cat House - full transcript

There you go.
There you go, my kitties.

There's plenty for everyone.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten
about you either.

I know.

Meow.

Now.

- So Piper was engaged before Leo?
- Yep, she was.

Well, lucky for you, little man,
that did not work out.

Actually lucky for all of us.
She was engaged to a warlock.

- Dan was a warlock?
- Oh, no, before Dan. Way before Dan.

Two bankers, a rock climber
and a ghost before Dan.



And actually, the ghost
was the best of the bunch.

See, now, that's what
I'd call critical sisterly information.

How am I supposed to be petty
and judgmental without all the info?

Sweetie, what do you expect?
You didn't know her back then.

It doesn't mean you're any less
a part of us, though.

- You know that, right?
- Yeah, I know.

It would've been cool, though.

Hang out with you, see what
you guys were like. Maybe meet Prue.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,
you didn't miss much with me.

I'm pretty much the exact
same person I was back then.

- Yeah, right.
- No, I'm serious.

I mean, I have a job now.
And that's good.

But, you know, I'm still
living at home, I'm still single.

The only real difference
is that I'm five years older.



I need to use
more expensive night cream.

That is not what happened
and you know it.

That's exactly what happened. And it's
not the first time it happened either.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- You know what, just forget it, Piper.

Don't walk away from me. Leo.

Leo. I am talking to you.

I'm tired of you mocking me,
especially in front of our friends.

Oh, I resent that. I don't mock you.

You always mock me.
I work my butt off around here.

I quit my job, I quit my career
so you wouldn't have to.

And I get no respect for it. None.

I never asked you to give up
your career.

- The hell you didn't.
- You're right, I didn't. Did I?

Right, turn to them for support
like you always do.

Oh, what? So now you have
a problem with them too?

No, I have a problem with you.

Leo, don't you dare
walk away from me again.

I mean it.

Hi. Come on.

- What? Where are we going?
- You'll see, let's go.

- Would you stop dragging your feet?
- I don't wanna talk to him.

Lady, just get in there.

- What's going on?
- We are gonna stay here

until we figure this thing out.
That is what is going on.

Figure out what? This is between us,
it has nothing to do with you two.

You know what,
I don't know what the problem is,

but it's affecting Piper's power.
And if her power is out of control,

then it's our problem too.

Plus, we love you guys
and we wanna help. That's all.

- We'll figure it out.
- Really?

Before the next demon attacks?

- What is this?
- Dr. Berenson.

He's a marriage counsellor
that I use to help me with my column.

I called in a favour and he's
expecting you, 1:00 today.

- What?
- He cancelled his other appointments,

so you'll have the whole day
to talk this out.

Come on, this is ridiculous.

You expect us to go to some mortal
and spill our guts?

What you need
is a mortal doctor, Leo.

Your problems are marital,
not supernatural.

So you know, speak in euphemisms
if you have to.

I don't know.

What do you think?

I think it might be a good idea.

Although I don't know

realistically how much
we're gonna accomplish in one day.

So use magic.

Cast a spell. Don't worry
about the consequences.

You've already got them. In spades.

Who's gonna watch Wyatt?
Aren't you both busy?

I've already taken care of that.
It's Darryl's day off.

- You didn't tell him why, did you?
- No, I did not tell him why.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

You've been through so much,

it's a wonder you've made it
this far without professional help.

It's a wonder we all have.

You owe this to yourselves.

And your baby.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Gotcha.

- Bad time?
- No.

No, not at all.
My advice sucks today anyway.

I thought you had a lunch date.

I was. I was just kind of distracted.
I kept thinking about Piper and Leo.

I know, me too.

It's just so unsettling.
They've always seemed so solid.

- Till recently. It's kind of scary.
- Yeah. They'll work it out.

Yeah, if you say so. It's strange.

Not having seen them
fight like that before.

Are you kidding? How many
times has Piper blown up Leo?

She's blown him up literally?

Yeah, but you know Piper,
she didn't mean anything by it.

Look, Paige, don't worry.
They love each other so much.

And they've been through
a lot worse than this.

If you say so.
You know them better than I do.

Hey.

Piper, what are you
still doing at home?

This isn't Piper. I'm an innocent.

Someone is after me. A warlock.

- What is it?
- Who is this?

I don't have time to explain.

You need to come home
with your sisters.

And Leo. I need healing.

L... I don't know
what you're talking about.

Where's the disinfectant? Didn't it
used to be kept in Prue's bathroom?

- No, it's in the kitchen.
- What is going on?

Hurry, please.

Before he kills me.

- Dr. Berenson.
- Yes. Hi, is it Leo?

- Yeah, and Piper.
- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you both.
- Hi.

Why don't you come in
and make yourself comfortable.

Sorry.

Well...

- Phoebe has told me a lot about you.
- Oh, really? Like what?

Oh, I don't mean
about what brings you here.

Just that she thinks the world
of you.

So, what does bring you here?

Well, I guess we've been
sort of fighting a lot lately.

Is that unusual in your marriage?

- No.
- Yes.

We just had a baby.

Right. The baby.

Is that what you guys
have been fighting about?

- Never.
- No.

Maybe it would be better
if we started at the beginning, huh?

Why don't you tell me
about your childhood.

- For God's sake.
- Piper, what are you doing?

You can't freeze the shrink,
we're on the clock.

Yeah, well, forget about the clock
because you know what?

We're gonna need a calendar.
Because this is gonna take months.

Okay, well, if you remember, you're the
one that wanted to do this, I did not.

Yeah, well, Leo, we need to
for all the reasons that Phoebe said.

And you know it.

Look, we've lost our way,
and we need to find it back. Fast.

- So you really think a spell will help?
- It has to.

Not so fast.

I want to enjoy this.

Hey.

Orb her out of here.

- You all right?
- Yeah, I think so.

You've really got that orbing thing
down, don't you?

- Who are you?
- Someone from your past.

I'm just worried about
the memory part of the spell, that's all.

Look, we have to make our memories
real, and everything around them real,

or we're never gonna get through this.
Now scoot over, we weren't this close.

Let the truth be told
Let our lives unFold

So we can relive our memories
And stop being enemies

- Ready?
- Yeah.

- Do you smell something?
- No.

Look, we were thinking
we'd just skip the childhood part

and just cut to the chase
and go straight to us.

If that's all right with you.

Oh, sure. Sure.

Why don't you
tell me how you first met.

- Need any help?
- What do you want? Who are you?

He must have blinked us
outside here.

He must have.

Well, I think I see...

Yeah, there's definitely
something here, Miss Halliwell.

Definitely.

Piper?

"Miss Halliwell"?

You are not gonna believe this.

My, Santa, you've changed.

- He's looking for Kit.
- The cat. Right.

Four legs, fur. I remember.

- Is that you?
- Yeah. From about five years ago.

Sorry. You know,
have you tried the shelter?

- Yeah, nothing.
- Well, she had her collar on, right?

With your number on it?

- A very distinctive collar, actually.
- Anyway.

Thanks for looking. I'm sure you must
be hungry after all that work.

All what work?

Oh, that's just Piper.
She's gotta be everyone's mom.

Think of her as your mom.
I know I do.

Isn't she a scream?

Well, thanks.

Let me go put these fliers up first,
and I'll be right back, okay?

- Oh, careful. You all right? Careful.
- Yeah, I'll just...

- Antique.
- Thanks.

- Grandma's.
- Yeah.

Quite possibly the finest glutes
in the city.

- In the state.
- In all the land.

I saw him first.

You hit on Leo.

Never mind that. We have to
figure out a way to get out of here.

We can't risk changing our history.

Otherwise, we'll have no future
to go back to.

Yeah, but what if that's
what the warlock wants us to do?

We gotta get to the Book.

I'm telling you, he's not your type.
He's nice.

- Oh, really? And I don't like "nice"?
- No, Phoebe, you don't.

You like dangerous.
You like bad boys. You always have.

- Some things never change.
- Would you be quiet?

Then Phoebe and I went upstairs
to fight over him a little bit more.

And I went out to put up the fliers.

You know, it's uncanny
how well both of you

seem to remember
exactly what happened.

Especially after five years.

Well, you know, it just seems
like yesterday to us.

Except that yesterday,
Piper almost blew up the house.

Figuratively speaking.

I mean, Piper's got a bit of a temper.

- I do not.
- Oh, no?

- What happened?
- I don't know.

Let's get the Book
and get out of here.

Wait.

That was easy.

Too easy.

Where's our sister?

Kill me,
and you'll never see her again.

So maybe we should
just torture you instead.

Why don't you just shatter her hand
and see what happens.

I was under a spell. Evil.

Evil? You were blond.

Piper, we need to talk.

- What's going on?
- Well, you just helped her to escape.

That's what's going on.

Smash him.

Bastard.

I'm... I'm sorry.

When you say she shattered you,

- I assume that's...?
- Metaphorically speaking.

Perhaps we should try to explore
all this a little more fully.

Okay, you didn't tell me
you blew up Leo too.

Don't worry, he'll be fine just as long
as we don't mess anything up.

What? You said you wanted to know

what we were like
before we met you, right?

Voil?.

Okay, does evil stump-lady come
back for the Book any time soon?

No, which means we
have to figure this out by ourselves.

I don't remember
anything about a warlock

with the power to jump
through time, do you?

No, but I still think
he's from the past.

- Why?
- Because Katrina, our innocent,

says she knew us from the past.
The warlock's after her

so, hey, it only figures, right?

Yeah, that makes sense.

But I don't know
how he's jumping us through time.

- Or why.
- Maybe he's not.

- Maybe there's some other reason.
- Maybe. But if he is behind this,

we have to figure out a way
to force him to bring us back.

I think I know a way how.
Remember the muses?

Remember the potion
that Piper made

to blind the warlock
and keep him from blinking?

Yeah, do you remember
how to make it?

- If the right herbs are in the kitchen.
- What are we supposed to do now?

I don't know, kill innocents?

No, I mean about Prue.
How are we supposed to find her...

Orb us. Orb us out of here.

What happened?

It's like we got bounced
off something.

I think we're stuck.

Of course I don't wanna lose Leo,
that's why I'm here.

It's just...

I don't know. Sometimes it seems
like our entire relationship

- has been one big fight.
- Really?

And I don't mean arguing fighting,
I mean...

All the obstacles
we had to overcome.

- Especially early on.
- And honestly,

sometimes I've wondered whether
we're really meant to be together at all.

Even on our wedding day.

What the hell is going on?

Prue, you get
your astral ass back here.

Oh, no. Piper's wedding.

Come on, baby.

- We're going for a ride.
- Prue?

Prue.

All right. That's it.

The wedding is off.

Piper. Piper! You cannot just leave.

Yes, I can.
A demon I could have handled.

But my big sister ruining my wedding,
I cannot handle that.

Okay, just listen to me
for one second.

All we have to do is find a way...

No. No. I don't wanna find a way
to get married on my wedding day.

It's just... It's too hard.
There must be a reason.

- Piper...
- Leo, I'm sorry,

but this is just the final straw.
It's just not meant to be.

What just happened?

Come here, honey.

- You okay?
- Oh, yeah. Great.

Maybe Piper's right.

Maybe the wedding
just wasn't meant to be.

- Victor.
- All I'm saying is maybe the gods

are trying to spare them
the pain that we went through.

No.

All I need is what's inside me to know
Piper and I are meant to be together.

What happened here today...

Piper and Leo's love...

...has touched us all.

We have to fix this.

I gotta go fend off the posse.

I can't believe Prue
ruined Piper's wedding.

Oh, my God. Kit.

- It is Kit.
- I didn't know you had a cat.

Yeah, she ran away
a couple of years ago.

Okay, that was weird.

We gotta work
on that blinding potion.

Didn't he just change history?

What's the matter, honey?
What is it?

I don't know, I just got a sharp pain
in my heart.

Oops.

- Paige.
- What?

Potions go poof, that's what they do.

- Just hurry up.
- I'm done.

I just hope I didn't use any herbs
I'm gonna need in the future.

I've already been
to one alternate reality.

I don't care to go home to another.

What's the matter?

I don't know.
This whole thing is just sort of...

...odd. It doesn't make any sense.

Like half the things
we go through do?

I know, but didn't the warlock
seem surprised to see us in there?

Yeah, now that you mention it.
Why?

Because I'm beginning to think

that maybe he didn't have
anything to do with this.

Maybe he's stuck in the same
weird time-Ioop just like we are.

Yeah, well, he's still dangerous.

It'll be easier for him to kill us
in the past without Piper around.

Yeah, and I'm also beginning
to think

that Piper's the reason
we're stuck here.

I mean, think about it. What's the
common denominator in all of this?

Piper and Leo, right? Every past event
has centred around the two of them.

- You think this is a spell?
- Yeah, one gone awry, obviously.

I think Piper took my advice
to heart with the marriage counsellor.

They're taking a walk down
memory lane. Literally.

But it seems too real
just to be a memory.

I mean, what are we doing here?

They obviously have
a lot of issues to work through.

Yeah, well, I hope
they work through them soon.

- Thank you.
- You feel any better?

Yeah, a little bit.
That was really weird.

Piper, you know,

sometimes bringing back
old memories, old feelings,

can have a psychosomatic effect.

Especially when you're dealing
with inner demons.

Let's talk about
before your wedding.

About when you knew for the
first time that you really loved Leo.

I found it.

Leo, I love you.
Can you hear me?

I love you, Leo. Please hear me.

- Piper!
- Oh, thank God.

I tried so hard,
and I couldn't make it work before.

- Why didn't you tell me?
- That love was the trigger?

You had to find that out
on your own.

Why couldn't you tell me?

I don't know. I was afraid. I was afraid
if I admitted how I really felt

that I would hurt more if I lost you.

I'm so sorry.
I should have said it before.

It's better late than never.

Come on.

You know, Leo, the fact that you
seem to be able to relive

your wife's experience
to such a degree is very telling.

- It is?
- I think you might have

some co-dependency issues.

Here you go, my sweetie.

- Here you go. You okay?
- Yeah.

This is better than home movies.

They've just been through so much.

Yeah. We all have.

It's good to remember, even for me.

Makes me realize
how much I really have changed.

Kit?

- Okay, throw the potion.
- Don't bother.

Wait a minute.

Is it just me,
or is he not after us?

No, I think he's after your cat.

Kit? Really?

- Why?
- I don't know.

Unless there's something
you're not telling us.

It's funny,
she's so familiar to me, though.

Reminds me of this old stray
that used to hang outside my loft.

Wait a minute.
You just said something.

I did? Was it smart?

Oh, I am so glad the Book
is still in this memory.

Why, what did I say?
What are you looking for?

I am looking for familiars.

That's what I'm looking for.

"Enchanted creatures
who follow and guide new witches

to protect them
while they learn the craft."

Hey, is there something
you haven't been telling me?

Huh, Kit? Hey, don't you kiss up
to me. Answer the question.

- You sure you didn't know about this?
- What, that Kit was our familiar?

No, we just thought she was this cat
that we found on the porch.

Better hope the warlock doesn't get
her in the past. Otherwise, our future...

Is screwed.

I'm screwed.

This is a no-win situation.

I work, she says I'm never around.

I quit my job,
she says I'm around too much.

I gave up everything for her.

Co-dependent, thank you.

Okay, so what? Maybe I am.

But you wanna talk co-dependent,
ask her about her damn sisters.

They're freaking inseparable.
"The power of three."

I think we should go back
to talking about

some of your more
positive memories.

Things that you've overcome
as a couple.

Free associate.
Let the memories flow.

Whatever comes to mind.

Truth is, caffeine makes me
a little clumsy, you know.

- Leo, wait.
- Yeah.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Do you need another shirt?

No, I got one in the truck. Thanks.

Leo, wait. That wasn't my question.

- It wasn't?
- No.

I was just wondering,
do you ever think of me?

- Yeah.
- In what way?

- As a friend sort of way or...?
- You have beautiful eyes.

That's a good way.

I'm sorry.
That was totally inappropriate,

- wasn't it?
- No, not at all.

Oh, what the hell.

Leo, how do you feel about women
who make the first move?

I don't know.
I'm still waiting for it to happen.

Goodness.

How do you feel about guys
who make the second move?

Love them.

Nice kiss.

I bet you guys think
this is real funny, don't you?

Haven't you taken enough from me?

You have to send trolls
to kick me while I'm down?

I am a good person.
I'm a good witch.

And damn it,
I would have made a great wife.

And how dare you
take that from me.

I deserve...
No, you know what?

I demand
that you send him back to me.

You hear me? Right now!

I'm going to stand in this very spot
until you send Leo back to me.

Enough already.

The warlock.

You said you always
wanted to meet Prue, right?

It's another little spell gone awry.

Stop that.

No, no, no.

Very bad, Prue.
Very, very bad, Prue.

Hi, Cujo. Who are you growling at?

I'd better go check
with the Elders to see if they know

- how to vanquish a Banshee.
- Don't tell me you're afraid of Prue?

- Yeah.
- Well, wait a minute. Hold it.

What if we find the Banshee
in the meantime?

Well, you blew up the last
demon you fought, didn't you?

Yeah, but I was trying to freeze him.

Just remember what we talked
about, just try and relax.

I wish everybody would quit
telling me to relax.

Piper, Phoebe.

- Easy. Easy.
- Behind you. Behind you!

Finally, one I remember.

Nice!

Leo?

- I thought you were a pacifist.
- I didn't kill him, did I?

I gotta tell you,
I find this side of you very sexy.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What's that sound?

Paige.

Potion, potion, potion.

The past, Paige, remember?
They're going to rescue you.

Okay, if that warlock
doesn't kill the cat soon, I will.

I'll get her.

Phoebe.

Hi. I didn't know you guys
were in here.

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

No. Not yet.

Okay, that's good.
That's really good.

Phoebe, would you
just get out of here?

- And cover your eyes.
- Sure. Okay, getting out.

- Hey, did you change your hair?
- Me? No.

Watch out for the...

I'm okay. I'm okay.

That was a bit close.

Oh, my God.

I've never seen this side
of Piper before.

Don't ask. Next memory.

Every time I see you,
I love you even more.

You're so beautiful.

You're so special.

I can't imagine my life without you.

- Piper.
- Leo?

- Who are you talking to?
- Me?

Nobody. Just myself, you know.

Yourself? You were telling yourself
how much you love you?

No, of course not. I mean, it's...

It's not like that at all.

Let's go downstairs, and I'll explain.

Leo, what's the matter?
Why are you acting so weird?

- Can we go downstairs, please?
- No. Why?

Okay, fine.

Here's good.

I've been thinking a lot, actually,
about our situation.

- Leo...
- Just... Now, let me finish.

I think I've come up with a solution.

A way for us to be together
no matter what they say.

Okay.

Will you marry me?

- Paige.
- Wait, I wanna hear the answer.

We already know the answer,
for God's sakes.

Kit's in trouble. Orb.

- What if I can't?
- Just try.

Looks like curiosity
just killed your cat.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

It's easy for a couple, over the years,

to lose sight of what brought them
together in the first place.

In your case,
a very remarkable case, I might add,

it's probably even more important
than it would be for most...

- What? What's the matter?
- Freeze him, hurry.

What? Talk to me.

Something's gone terribly wrong.
People are crying out in pain.

Witches. They're all under attack.

- What? Why?
- I don't know why.

We gotta get home, fast.

- Piper.
- No. Wait.

- Piper, can you hear me?
- Phoebe?

Piper, can you hear me?
It's Phoebe.

Are you crazy, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm trying to contact Piper.

But she'll hear you, she'll
come running in and ruin her future.

Her future's already ruined.
Unless she could somehow give us

a second chance
and let us replay her last memory.

Wait, are you talking about
present-day Piper?

Yeah. Yeah, why not?

I mean, she dragged us into this spell,
consciously or subconsciously.

We might as well
take advantage of it, right?

Besides, if she really is reliving this,
she ought to be able to hear me.

Piper, it's your sister Phoebe.

Now, I know you're having
big problems because of this.

You're kidding,
your sisters are involved with this?

Can we do nothing without them?

I'm trying to concentrate.

Something about our last memory?

Our last memory?

The one where I proposed?

Every time I see you,
I love you even more.

- It worked.
- Okay, now orb.

- Hey.
- Remember us?

What's the matter,
cat got your tongue?

All right, cat, start talking.

The cries are gone.

- Everything's back to normal.
- Oh, no, it's not.

It's not until I reverse this spell.

Even I don't wanna be
this close to my sisters.

Are you sure I can't get you anything.
Coffee, tea, a saucer of milk?

- Good one.
- No, I'm fine.

Although I wouldn't mind some kibble
if you've got some.

- That's not funny.
- It's a little funny.

No, see, you didn't live with her
for three years.

And by the way, what was with
the scratching of my bedpost?

- What was that?
- I had to keep my nails sharp.

Yeah, see, that's just very creepy.

Well, at least we know how important
she was as your familiar.

And how painful things
could have been without her.

I'm just glad to finally know
who you are.

I mean, it makes it easier
to understand why you ran away.

- You know, as a cat.
- You didn't need me anymore.

I mean, once the Charmed Ones
were reconstituted,

- it was time for me to move on.
- Don't you mean moving up?

You know, complete
the evolutionary cycle and all?

Yeah, only special familiars
like Katrina

are rewarded for their service
by becoming human.

To guide other familiars.
That's why the warlock was after me.

Take out familiars, and you leave
their witches defenceless, vulnerable.

Well, it's a good thing you've got
nine lives, that's all I have to say.

Although you're probably down
to your last seven or eight, so...

I'll watch my back.

Well, I gotta get going.

I've got a hungry litter
waiting for me.

You call me
when he comes into his powers?

Blessed be.

So how are we doing?

- We?
- Oh, simmer down, honey.

We, meaning Leo and I, are doing
just fine. Thank you very much.

We did learn that we
have some issues to work on.

Like, somebody needs
to get a life first.

And one of us
needs to be a wife first.

Oh, easy on the rhyming.
No more spells.

Gladly.

But the point is, we need
to spend more time as a couple.

- So that we don't forget.
- Right.