Charmed (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Fifth Halliwheel - full transcript

To marriage!

Hey, this is supposed to be
our anniversary.

Oh, to Piper and Leo's marriage.

May ours be as successful as theirs.

Yeah, see, that still didn't sound
like it was about us.

All right, everybody, l...

- I'm gonna go, I'm tired.
- Wait, you can't go yet, Paige.

We haven't gotten to the good part.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought watching you guys
make out all night

was supposed to be
the highlight of my evening.



Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Are we boring you?

No, no, it's just...

It is weird seeing a girl
that wasn't the marrying type

be so married.

Piper tried to tell me that it was
gonna be great and different.

Well, you just have to experience it,
and you'll understand.

- All right, so the good part?
- Oh, yes, the good part.

Excuse me.

There you go.

- Oh, my God.
- Cole.

- It's no big deal.
- Just the finest hotel in Hawaii.

I just didn't think it was right
you guys never got a honeymoon.

Oh, my God, could you be
any sweeter right now?

Hang on, you got them
tickets to Hawaii?



Well, not plane tickets.
They'll have to orb there.

But, you know, hotel
and a couple of nice dinners...

Cole, I can't believe you did this.

Am I missing something?

Aren't you unemployed?
How did you afford this?

That's tomorrow's surprise.
For tonight, another toast.

To Leo and to Piper,
a lifetime of happiness.

You okay?

- Baby, you okay?
- Excuse me.

I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just...

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

So you think Cole won
the lottery or something?

I know I did.

Sorry.

I was with the entire family.
Have you lost your mind?

Forgive me.

But it was imperative that I have you
here now if my ritual is to take effect.

I am trying to be the perfect husband,
the perfect brother-in-law.

It would help if I didn't have demons
waving at me from the dance floor.

If my fertility ritual fails,
the show's over anyway.

Tomorrow's harvest moon
will be your one chance

to impregnate your wife.

The power of the moon
combined with this tonic

will make her fertile to demon seed

and override any preventative
measures she's taken.

- Her favourite sweet?
- Chocolate.

Then I'll mix it with the chocolate.

You must feed it
to her in the morning,

and then finish the job when
the moon is high in the night sky.

And if you succeed,

the evil spawn growing inside her
will influence her own evil leanings.

So that when she does
discover the truth,

she will bend to your will.

She will bend to her love for me.

For the tonic.

- Can I try this?
- Yeah, sure.

- My hair clip broke.
- Try one of mine.

- Glowy.
- Yeah, like you need more glow.

Yeah, isn't it weird
how sex can replace sleep?

Wonder if they've done
studies on that.

- I remember Dave, my ex-boyfriend...
- Oh, no. It's different with boyfriends.

I don't know why, but once
you're married, it's just...

It's just better.
You know what I mean?

Commitment, it's incredibly sexy.

Yeah. It's more intimate
or something.

Well, I wouldn't know.

Speaking of looking forward,

Piper, you're going
on your honeymoon tonight.

I think new lingerie is in order.

You always think
new lingerie is in order.

Not for me, silly.

- You wanna come, Paige?
- I can't.

I have to go to that evil place
where they keep my paycheck.

Oh, right. Sorry.

- Surprise.
- A new car?

Where did you get that?

- It came with the job.
- Oh, are you a valet parker?

Attorney, thank you very much.

It's a company car.

Are you serious?

That's strange. You didn't last
two hours at Legal Aid.

Yeah, you hated it.
You said you hated being a lawyer.

Yeah, but that job was high-stress
and paid nothing.

- This one--
- Comes with a Porsche.

Right.

- How come she's not smiling?
- You got me.

- Is this the Tiptronic?
- No.

I thought you'd be happy?

Cole, if you're happy, I'm happy.

All right.

I got your favourite chocolates.

And I reserved
the honeymoon suite at the Mark.

- A honeymoon?
- Just for tonight. What do you say?

Oh, I say I need to do
a little bit of shopping first, I think.

What do you say, Piper?

Rebekah Ryan's playing
at the club tonight, so I gotta go set up.

I'll cover for you.

Gotta do something.
Cole's making me look bad.

So chocolates?

Are you sure you don't want one?
They smell pretty good.

Maybe you are evil.

I love you.

So, what law firm
are you working for?

Are you familiar
with San Francisco law firms?

Yeah, I deal with them
from time to time.

Jackman, Carter and Kline?

Haven't heard of them.

Well, I better get to work.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

Okay, what do you think?

Hey!

I think he liked it,
and I think she didn't.

Okay, but what is it saying?

Because I'm going for that kind of
we're-married-but-we're-not-dead look.

I think it's more of

a I'm-gonna-wear-this-one-night-and-
spend-the-next-six-months-paying-it-off

kind of look.

I hate it when you're right.

But although come to think of it,

you could probably afford anything you
want now that Cole's gone corporate.

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna
rely on that.

And I'm not gonna just sit at home

while my husband works either,
you know.

Maybe in ten years from now,
like when I have kids, but not now.

Oh, hit a nerve?

I just think it's time
I got a job too, you know.

What do you think?

I think being so charming, as we are,
is kind of a full-time job.

Yeah, it just happens to come with
a death threat in lieu of a paycheck.

Right. So if Cole is bringing, you know,
an extra few bucks into the household,

why not enjoy it?

Because, Piper, it's not about that.

I have a degree in psychology
that I worked really hard for,

and I would like to be able to use it
to help people in a non-magical way.

Speaking of helping people...

Good thing that car had brakes.

- You would have been roadkill.
- Totally.

- This woman saved her.
- Are you okay?

Can you help me get to work?

I won't make my deadline.
I've gotta get to work.

All right.

- lnnocent.
- Of course.

I still don't trust him.

I called the firm, and apparently he's
telling the truth about getting that job.

Wait, he told the truth? The rat.

I'm telling you, Lila,
there's something weird going on.

He couldn't function
in the job that I got him here.

I mean, he hit a client.

And now all of a sudden
he's Mr. Suave Lawyer Man.

People change.

Not that quickly, not that much.

There's something off about him,

and I'm gonna keep
an eye on him. Period.

Spying on the husband,

now, that's a sure-fire way
to reconnect with your sister.

Paige Matthews.

Hey, we got a witchy-type situation

that could really benefit
from your area of expertise.

Any chance you could
meet us back at the manor?

- Yeah, I'll be right over.
- Great, see you there.

What do you mean
she wouldn't eat it?

I mean I thought shoving it down
her throat might be a little suspicious.

So is it too late?

No. The tonic is stronger
the longer it has to gestate.

It might still work.

Then keep an eye out

and warn me of any demons
who might be planning to attack.

I can't afford any distractions
for Phoebe.

Cole, we have to...

This is-- This is Mike, my law clerk,
and he was just leaving.

Thanks. You can catch me up
on those cases tomorrow.

Right. Sure.

Excuse me.

- Cole, this is Karen Young.
- Pleased to meet you.

She needs our help.

I was going in early.
It was still dark.

I said goodbye to my husband...

...and then I don't remember.

I don't understand
what's happening to me.

Karen, I know you're scared,
but we're gonna help you, I promise.

What's wrong with her?

I don't know.

I had a premonition that she was
being attacked by demons.

Only I don't think it was a premonition.
I think it already happened.

But she was hit
by some kind of light ball.

So we might have to postpone
this evening, baby.

No, we can't.

Well, Cole, innocents come first.

Of course they do.

I just...

I just can't wait to be
alone with you.

I'll do whatever I can to help.

Forgive me?

Hi, hi, hi.
Innocent afoot, remember?

Right.

So she's calmer now,

but why don't you hang out with her
while we go check the Book?

- Absolutely.
- Okay.

- Piper?
- What?

Nothing. It's okay.

Suddenly I can't wait
to go on my honeymoon.

Me either. Must be the full moon.

You wanna tell me what happened?

I don't know.

I don't have time for this.

Who attacked you?

Don't touch me!

Don't touch me! Leave me alone!

He was touching me!

I didn't hear you come in.

What's the matter?
You look like you saw a ghost.

I'm not sure what I saw.

What do you mean?

What were you doing to her?

Well, I was comforting her.

If you haven't noticed,
she's hysterical.

Got it!

- That was quick.
- Yeah.

Well, we're that good.
Thanks for coming.

- We have a problem.
- Yeah?

I mean, what's the problem
with her?

- Power brokers?
- Of course.

Apparently the light ball
that was thrown at Karen

was a demonic power.

Yeah, brokers will sometimes
use people to store powers

until they find a buyer.

That way, thieves can't get to them.

"A human being possessed
of a demonic power

will become confused,

then frightened, paranoid,
violent and demonic,

and will ultimately die
if the power isn't withdrawn."

The good news is there is a potion
to pull the power out of her.

It's work.

They probably want me
to fill out more forms.

Okay, baby, well, you go,
and we'll call you if we need you.

Good.

I gotta get out of here.

- I have a family to take care of.
- Karen, your family is okay.

But I have a job, I have a deadline.
Elise, she'll fire me.

It's okay. We'll talk to Elise for you,

we'll tell her you're with us,
we'll make it all okay.

- I'll go.
- No.

Phoebe should go,
you're the best with potions.

Here, honey, take my car.

Okay. Call me if things get worse.

- Piper--
- This potion takes a while to brew,

and we're out of hyssop,

so why don't you stay
with Karen and start cooking,

and I'll go to the herb store.

No, I have to talk to you
about something.

You're gonna hate me for saying this,
but I think I saw Cole use--

No. Paige, we've been through this
a million times.

No, this is different.

- I think I saw Cole use demonic pow--
- No, no, no.

There is nothing demonic
about Cole.

And whether you like it or not,
he's your brother-in-law.

So whatever issues
you have with him,

you're gonna have
to take care of yourself.

Karen, can I ask you
a couple questions?

I don't know, I just felt him
do something behind me.

Something like what?
Did you see him do anything?

Who are you?
Why did you bring me here?

Paige, have you seen Piper around?

Yeah, she's already left.

Aren't you supposed to be
on club duty?

Well, I'd much rather be
on my honeymoon.

Who is she?
Is there something wrong?

No, she's an innocent.
We're on top of it.

More importantly,

I think I saw Cole
using magical powers.

- What?
- Yes.

Now, I know it sounds crazy,

but I think I saw his hand glow.

- Paige--
- No, look.

There's something strange going on.

There's all the elaborate gifts,

and then he's got the $50,000 car,
what job comes with perks like that?

So Cole gets a company car,

and that automatically makes him
a demon in your eyes?

No!

No, it's just that something is
different with him lately

and it's not good.

Am I the only one seeing this?

Maybe you're the only one
who wants to see it.

Meaning?

Meaning that no one
wants to be the fifth wheel.

That's not fair.

You know what's not fair?

Is you judging Cole for his past.

He's not a demon anymore.

And he's part of this family.

Well, it's about time.

Thank you.

Paige saw me using my powers.

What? You've been exposed?

Not necessarily.
She's not certain what she saw.

Nevertheless, she must die.

A little subtlety.

That would hardly put Phoebe
in an amorous mood,

and I'm too close now
to abandon my plan.

If one of the witches is on to you,
more than your plan is at risk.

But still, she's not sure
she can trust her own eyes.

And I think I know a way
to make sure

no one trusts what Paige
says she saw.

How?

The innocent the girls brought home
was infected by a power broker.

What does that have to do with it?

If I could get a power broker
to do the same to Paige,

she'd become unstable as well.

But by the time she reached
breaking point,

her sisters will be
on their honeymoons.

She could alert them.

Not if I accelerate her slide,

push her past fear
and into paranoia.

Then she won't trust them enough
to alert them.

Who did this? Who pulled me here?

- I did.
- The Source.

You live.

Let's just keep that
between us for now.

I have an assignment for you.

If you succeed,

you'll be rewarded with more power
than you can possibly imagine.

- Hold that for the Sunday special.
- Okay.

Yes, yes, that's no problem.

Hi.

-You are?
- Married.

Honeymooning tonight, yeah.

Cannot wait.

Excuse me.

I'm actually looking for someone,
a boss-type someone.

Her name is Elise?

Okay.

What?

Hi, I'm here on behalf
of Karen Young.

- She has fallen ill and--
- Tell her she's fired.

- What? No.
- When she's late, I'm late.

I'm an editor with better things to do
than to wait around for her.

No, but she's not gonna be late.

Is she late already?

Deadline's 8:00 tonight.
And I thought you said she was sick.

Well, that's why I'm here.

To pick up her assignment
and bring it to her.

Believe me, nothing is more important
to Karen than reporting the news.

I would hardly call
the advice column news.

This week's letters are probably
on this train wreck of a desk.

Wow, that's a lot of mail.

Yeah, she's got a following,
so she must be doing something right.

Since there's so much traffic right now
and I have to get this mail to her,

would you consider extending--?

I appreciate the fact that it takes
a special type of person

to rifle through the miseries
of absolute strangers

and actually manage to help.

The fact is I couldn't even
manage to care.

This is a newspaper,
and we work on a deadline.

End of conversation.

Okay.

- Hello.
- Hey, did you make the potion?

Potion?

Paige is making the potion,

and I have ten glorious minutes
until I have to add my herbs.

Great, because I need
your help fast.

Karen's gonna get fired unless we get
her advice column in by 8:00 tonight.

So, what would you tell
a 28-year-old woman

who's still living in her parents' house
because she's afraid of living alone?

I'd tell her to get a life!

How can I write that?

We fight demons every day.

How can I tell her that there's
nothing to be afraid of, you know?

What are you doing, Piper?

I am taking my own advice!

--to get out of here.
I just have to get out of here.

I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get out of here.

I gotta get out.
I gotta get out of here now!

Wait, Karen, the medicine
is almost finished.

After you take it,
you can go anywhere you want.

You're trying to poison me.
You're working for that bitch, Elise.

- I'm gonna kill her before she kills me.
- No.

We are only trying to help you.
No one is trying to hurt you.

I don't want your help.

I'm sorry, I just can't let you go.

Oh, my God, what are you?

What's going on in here?

- Get off me! Leave me alone!
- Where's Phoebe?

Good question.

Paige, behind you!

Paige, get her out of here!

Stay away from me!

Leo!

- Power broker, blow him up!
- What?

Where's Karen?

You should be feeling better.
I healed your wounds.

Oh, yeah, I am.
I'm just a little woozy.

It was like acid spray.
It hurt Paige pretty bad.

So we need to find Karen fast.

- So our innocent is now our demon?
- Right.

But she is still our innocent.

And listen, Paige said she was ranting
about hating her boss,

so she could be on her way there.

Oh, well, great. Then you should be
on your way here too.

Because there's not a lot I could do
against an acid-breathing innocent,

you know?

The acid is coming out of her hands.

Whatever. I'm on a deadline, okay.

Okay, I'm gonna go to Phoebe
in case Karen goes there.

- I'll orb you.
- No.

Your orbing's still a little clumsy.

And besides, they might need
Leo's healing powers.

Yeah, he's right. You should stay here
in case Karen comes back.

And if there's any problems,

any real problems,
you can call for us.

Keep an eye on her, will you?

Yeah, don't worry.

Paige, you don't still
have a problem with me, do you?

I don't believe it.
I saved your life out there.

I just...

I don't understand.

What if she doesn't come here?

It's our best bet.

How do you spell "oblique"?

With spell check.

There she is.

Out of my way!

Phoebe. Phoebe!
Acid-spraying innocent in the house.

Yeah, just give me a second.

Karen, she's in here.
She's waiting for your assignment.

Yes! Printing.

Hi, saving.

Karen, we have your medicine.

Well, it's a good thing I was done.

Someone's coming,
and the door doesn't lock.

Oh, that's Elise.
She's coming for Karen's assignment.

God, I hope she likes it.

- Phoebe!
- What? Okay.

Okay, what do I do? What do I do?

- Shove it down her throat.
- Shove it down her throat.

Hi. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Karen?

Karen, open the door.

Karen? Open the door!

Sorry, it was jammed.

What the hell is going on in here?
Who are you?

This is Karen's doctor and nurse.

I told you, she's very sick.

She gonna live?

Yeah, yeah, she's gonna be fine.

Good. Where's my copy?

- I don't...
- I have that.

I have the copy.

That's funny.

It's funny? Like, bad funny?
What's funny?

You should be sick more often.
This is good stuff.

Really? It is?

Yay, Karen.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I did it.

I mean we-- We did it. Yay, we.

Paige?

What's the matter?

Are you okay?

How did you do that?

Do what?

Just admit it. You're a demon.
Just tell the truth.

I can't believe you'd even think that.
You're the one acting strange.

If you keep this up,
you're gonna hurt yourself.

Stay away from me.
I'm gonna tell Phoebe.

Oh, come on.

You don't really think your sisters
would leave you alone with me

- if I was evil?
- Stay away from me.

Do you really think Phoebe would have
married me if I was a demon?

- Hello?
- Hey.

Did you say something
about a honeymoon suite for tonight?

- Does that mean you found Karen?
- Yes, we found her, we saved her.

We even saved her job. She's fine.

The only thing is,

she doesn't remember
anything that happened today.

- Perfect.
- What?

Well, that means she can't
expose you guys as witches.

You know what, if we hurry,
we can still make late check-in.

But I don't have anything to wear.

I can pack for you.
I know what I like.

I bet you do.

Okay, I'll meet you there.

Hey, wait, why don't you tell
Leo and Piper to orb straight to Hawaii,

don't even bother packing?

You never know when
the next demon's gonna attack.

I'll tell them. You just hurry. Bye.

Stop it. Why are you doing this?

What's the matter? Seeing things?

I know you're here.

I'll find you.

I love you.

I had a feeling.

Oh, and here I thought all this time
I was being so subtle.

Oh, my God, Paige!

The power brokers got to her.
There's a potion in my purse.

- He's evil.
- Paige, don't do this. Fight it.

He's evil. I have to stop him.

Leo! Leo!

This better be good!

Look at her eyes.

Okay, Piper. What--?

What? This is what
whitelighters are for.

- Where's the potion?
- It's broken.

Oh, okay.
Well, there's more at the manor.

No, there's not, actually.
Paige broke that one too.

What? What do you mean?
That took forever to make.

She could die
if we have to make more.

How did we not notice?

She was talking
about not trusting Cole.

It didn't occur to me
that she might be infected.

- This is all my fault.
- It's not your fault, it's no one's fault.

Leo, she's burning up!

I tried to heal her, I can't.

Well, what are we supposed to do?
Just stand here and watch her die?

No, no, no. This can't be happening!
Not again.

There is a way.

We need to find a power broker
to pull it out of her.

I blew him up.

There's others.

You'll have to orb me underground.

- We'll all go.
- No, it's too dangerous.

You never know what
powers they might have.

Besides, your powers might not
work too well down there.

Cole, you don't have any powers!

Cole, there's no time to argue,
we're going.

Let me get dressed.

So I'll give you an energy ball
for a lightning bolt.

For the fire bolts.

- What are they doing?
- Trading powers.

- So, what do we do?
- Well...

- We barge in. Get Paige.
- Wait, wait, wait!

Sorry to interrupt, but I think one
of you may have misplaced a power.

I'll get her, you get ready
to orb them out of here.

- Who are you?
- We're the Charmed Ones.

And one of you jackasses
infected our sister.

It's gonna be pretty hard to tell
which jackass though, huh?

So here's the deal:

We'll spare your lives, if you pull
your skanky little power out of her.

The power of the Charmed Ones
lies in the power of three.

You're one witch down.

You sure you wanna
test that theory?

Too bad. You lose.

Told you about
your powers down here.

Let's get out of here.

Keep in mind that
that was just a warning.

Next time, I'll use full force.

Forgive us.
We'll do whatever you ask.

See, now, that's more like it
right there.

- Well?
- What the hell are you doing?

What are you waiting for?

Where am l?

You're gonna be okay, sweetie.

- Now can we get out of here?
- Wait.

Had enough power to do that.

Why would you save Paige

after everything you did
to destroy her?

They would have found a way
to save her anyway.

This way, I get the credit.

Did you do it for credit? Or love?

I suppose there's some things
even The Source can't defeat.

Careful.

I am, but are you?

We have worked too hard

to let a nugget of humanity
destroy a legacy of evil.

Paige has no memory.

She's not a threat to us anymore.

I'm not talking about her,
I'm talking about Cole.

He's the one threat
neither one of us can control.

He saved Paige, not you.

I'm not concerned.

There will be nothing he can do
once Phoebe's pregnant.

Is she?

Well?

I see conflicting futures.

Only time will tell.

I can't believe I destroyed the house.

What I can't believe is what
you almost saw in that hotel room.

If you had gotten there
five minutes earlier...

Oversharing.

Hey, Karen.

Oh, I hoped I'd find you here.

- Do we know her?
- Wow, your memory really is shot.

You told Fearful in Marin
to get a dog.

Yeah. Oh, I know.

I know, it just-- It seemed right
at the time, you know.

So she didn't have to--

I would have told her
to get a therapist and get a life.

See, this is what I said.

Hers was better.

- Wow, really?
- Yeah.

It was proactive,
it was non-judgmental.

The whole column had
a freshness and a passion

that it hasn't had
for a really long time.

Thank you.

And I'm gonna tell Elise
that you wrote it.

Oh, no, Karen, don't do that.

I mean, she'll fire you then.

And my guess is she'll hire you.

If you think you can handle
working for that witch.

I thought of her more as a demon.

Well, either way, I hate her.

And even though I'm not sure
what happened today,

I just feel like I wanna spend
more time at home with my kid.

So I wanna say thanks.

For everything.

That is very sweet.

What just happened there?

I think Phoebe just got a job.

No, I can't.

Can l?

Phoebe, somebody's going to pay you
to tell other people what to do.

Shut up and be happy.

To Phoebe: May you never give
any lethal advice.

And to Piper: May you actually get
to go on your honeymoon tomorrow.

- And to Paige--
- May I never try to kill you again.

Oh, you're not really a Halliwell

until you've gone demonic
on your sisters at least twice.

Actually, she didn't go
demonic on us.

She went demonic on Cole.

- You say tomato and I say--
- Karen already hated Elise.

That's why Elise became the object
of Karen's demonic rage.

Which also means
that you already hated Cole.

No, I don't hate Cole, Phoebe.

I just don't trust him.

I don't know why
I feel that way, I just...

I don't.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

So am l.