Charmed (1998–2006): Season 1, Episode 4 - Dead Man Dating - full transcript

Andy, hi.

I was nowhere near the neighbourhood,
thought I'd stop by.

Honest man. I like that.

So...

...I had a great time last night.
- Yeah, me too.

But I forgot to give you something
very important. Happy birthday.

- But it's not my birthday till next week.
- Consider this a preview.

- A key?
- To the Calistoga Spa.

We leave Friday night after work.

- Don't worry, I got us adjoining rooms.
- Adjoining rooms?

I wouldn't want to assume something
I'm not supposed to be assuming.



Although, it has been
over a month since we...

Then decided to take it slow.

But no pressure.
I just want to be with you, away.

Together.

- Think about it.
- Okay.

Let me know. Bye.

Happy birthday to me.

Give me a break, Mom.

You're like the Chinese
Shirley MacLaine, you know?

- I'll risk it.
- You should have more respect

for Ghost Month.
If your grandmother were here...

She'd warn me about all the
evil spirits walking the streets

of Chinatown, I know. I know.

You should take this.



For protection.

Maybe the ghosts
need protection from me.

I'll be okay, Mom. I'm 23 now.
I can take care of myself, okay?

- I gotta go.
- Happy birthday, Mark.

Thanks.

- Hi, Mark.
- Hey, how are you?

- This the guy?
- That's him.

- Today your birthday?
- Who are you? What do you want?

You. Make a wish.

Perfect fit.

Come on, now, douse him.

Come on. Hurry up.

What are you doing?

Hey, wait. No!

Let's get out of here.
Let's go. Come on.

Good morning.
What are you doing?

Prue's coming down,
put those away.

Phoebe, you were supposed to send
these invitations last week.

- The party is Friday.
- We're right on schedule.

The restaurant's reserved, the menu's
selected, the cake has been ordered.

That's because I did all those things.

At least tell me you've managed
to buy Prue something

other than your
traditional birthday gift.

- What's my traditional gift?
- A card, three days late.

Yeah, well, I decided to break
that tradition and start a new one.

You bought Prue a gift?

Where did you get
the money to pay for it?

- Morning.
- Morning.

Hey, I forgot to ask,
how was your date with Andy?

Great. Until he asked me to
spend my birthday at a spa with him.

- Oh, I hate it when they do that.
- For this weekend?

- You didn't say yes, did you?
- My body did, screamed it actually.

But I don't know.
I have to think about it.

A weekend of rest, rubdowns and
room service, what's to think about?

I mean, you could be right.

Going away with a guy is like...

It's like bringing them home to meet
the parents. Changes everything.

And if you're not sure if you're ready to
make a commitment or not, you know,

you don't wanna send
the wrong signal.

You need a week to prepare
for a weekend away.

I mean, there's lingerie shopping,
waxing, manicure, pedicure.

I mean, it's basically a full-time job,
and you've already got one.

So you'll never be ready. Not even
if you started packing this second.

Bottom line. Unless you're ready
to put your toothbrush next to his,

you shouldn't go.

You guys aren't trying to plan
another surprise party for me, are you?

No, never.

No, we've given up on
trying to surprise you, Prue.

Well, that's good, because you
both know how much I hate surprises.

Damn it, Phoebe.
If you had sent Andy his invitation,

we wouldn't be in this mess.

Okay, what are you talking about?
You heard Prue,

she doesn't want a party.
You should be glad that I flaked.

Besides, you know as well as I do
she's gonna go away with Andy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a present to pay for.

Which means I have a job interview.

No other hotel does psychic readings
at the bar, it's kind of our trademark.

Well, that's why I'm here.
I saw your ad in the Chronicle.

- I am a natural-born psychic.
- Yeah, right.

So, what's your act? Tea leaves,
tarot cards, crystal balls, what?

No, I can see the future.

I mean, I can't always see it. I never
actually know when it's gonna work.

Usually, when I touch someone,

or I'm in the same general area
as them.

It's kind of hard to explain.

- Next.
- No, wait! Frankie, hold it. I see it.

You're having dinner
with a blond woman.

She's gorgeous, all over you.

Then some redhead shows up.
You look surprised.

She looks pissed. Your wife?

When can you start?

So have you made your
mind up about Calistoga?

I don't know.
I keep thinking it's a bad idea,

then I think, what's the big deal?
It's not like we haven't slept together.

I think you should go. On Saturday.

On Saturday, why?

Piper, you promised.
No surprise party.

It's not what you think. It's Phoebe.
She bought you a present.

Phoebe doesn't give presents,
she gives cards, three days late.

Not this year. Surprise.

And she really wants to
give it to you Friday,

so could you please just ask Andy
about leaving on Saturday instead?

You have no idea how much Phoebe
has put herself through. She even...

She even got a job and everything.

Okay, I'll ask. If I decide to go.

- So, what kind of job did Phoebe get?
- Don't know. Gotta go. Ciao.

You're in a large room,
with lots of other people.

- With lots of other women.
- Go on.

You're standing at a podium.
No, wait, you're on a scale.

It's a Weight Watchers meeting.

Honey, it looks like
you've gained some weight.

That's impossible.
I only cheated once this week.

No, no, I'm not judging.
I'm just seeing.

You're a fraud, that's what you are.
I've never been so insulted in my life.

- I want my $20 back.
- No way. I saw you.

You know I saw you.

Hey, you want me to lie next time?
Just say so.

- Phoebe.
- Piper.

I am so busted, aren't I?

- Are you out of your mind again?
- No, I'm the Amazing Phoebe.

This is not funny. Our powers
are supposed to be a secret,

not a marketable job skill.

Relax, they didn't hire me
because they think I'm a witch,

they hired me
because they think I'm a psychic.

Hairsplitting. You know you can't
use your powers for personal gain.

- Not without consequences.
- No, but it's for Prue. It's not for me.

It's to pay for her present.
It's completely selfless.

Besides, this is the last place

anyone would expect to find
a real psychic, believe me.

Which one of you is the psychic?

- She is.
- Oh, I am.

You can see me? Both of you?

Of course we can see you.
Now back off.

Thank God. I've tried communicating
with every psychic in the city.

You were my last chance.

Phoebe, what are you doing?
We got customers waiting.

Okay, listen to me, you're the
only ones who can help me.

Excuse us? We're trying
to have an argument here.

Who are you?

She's just leaving.

Bye. Go. Now.

- Wait a minute. I need your help.
- Yeah? Talk to the psychic.

Please, I'm begging you. I was
murdered last night, I can prove it.

Stop harassing me, buddy.

Please, I'm desperate.
You gotta help me.

Leave me alone or I'll call the police.
Can you believe this guy?

All you have to do is come with me
to Chinatown and see for yourself.

All right, that's it.
Look, either back off or...

Look out!

Now do you believe me?

Oh, my God.
I can see you, but no one else can?

I'm dead. I'm a ghost.

Would you like another one?

So she goes, "Okay."

So he leans over
and gives her a kiss.

- Right on the cheek...
- Hi.

Prue.

I tried calling the station house for you.
They said that you'd probably be here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Oh, Prue, this is...
- Susan Trudeau. Nice to meet you.

- Pleasure.
- Trudeau?

- Sister?
- No, actually...

Wife.

Ex-wife.

- Prue, wait, I can explain.
- Don't bother.

It's not what you think.
We divorced over...

Thanks for helping me.

When you wouldn't leave my doorstep,
you didn't leave me much of a choice.

- Maybe this isn't such a good idea.
- Please, I don't have much time.

Somebody has to find my body
before it's too late.

Too late for what?

It's a Chinese myth, or at least
I always thought it was a myth.

It's called Da Jui.
When the gates of hell open.

- We're almost there.
- The gates of hell? I don't understand.

If the gatekeeper, Yama, captures my
soul before my body's properly buried,

he'll take me to hell. Forever.

But you said you were murdered.
How can...?

Yama doesn't care about good or evil.
He just wants souls.

I should've listened to my mother.

Is that you?

- Yama.
- Yama?

- Run.
- It's too late. You'd better go. Run!

- What happened?
- I'm a good witch, remember?

- But how?
- I don't know.

I panic, I put up both hands,
and bad things tend to freeze.

- For how long?
- Not very. Let's go.

Prue, you can't do this.
Piper's gonna be crushed.

- I'm gonna be crushed?
- The surprise party is off.

- What party?
- She's onto us.

The restaurant called
while we were out.

Is that why you were
so upset earlier?

Let's just say
it hasn't been a great day.

Does it have anything to do with
why Andy's been calling all night?

Piper, where did you say
today's paper was?

Hey, I'm practically naked here.

Sorry.

What's the drunk
from the hotel doing here?

- The name's Mark. I'm not a drunk.
- He's a ghost.

- Excuse me? A what?
- A ghost.

He was murdered,
and he obviously needs our help.

Why else would we
be able to see him?

- Well, he can see us, that's for sure.
- Hey!

- Of all the days to be a dead man.
- You sure this guy's really a ghost?

Positive.

So how do we know that the guy
doesn't really belong in hell?

Because we can see him. He's one
of the innocent we have to protect.

Protect from what? He's dead.

All we have to do is get Mark's family
to give him a proper burial,

and then he can move on
to wherever it is he moves on to.

Okay, so call the police
and let them know where the body is.

I already did. I just wanna give them
a little time to notify Mark's mom

- before I go and I talk to her.
- Talk to her? And tell her what?

That you're a witch in touch
with the ghost of her dead son?

No, I'm just gonna try
and get her to have a funeral

as soon as possible,
before Yama gets Mark's spirit.

Hello?

Hi, I can't really talk right now.

It's important?
Okay, I'll be at the hotel in a little while.

All right, bye. That was my
new boss calling, I gotta run.

Okay, so when you called the police,
you didn't talk to Andy, did you?

No, it was anonymous.

Why, did you decide
to not to go away with him?

Actually, I decided to go.

Until I went to tell him and found him
having dinner with his ex-wife.

- His what?
- Yeah. I mean,

you'd think that
he would have remembered

to reveal that little fact
before we jumped in the sack.

Well, what did he say?
Why didn't he tell you?

I don't know. I didn't hang around
long enough to ask.

How's it going in there?

Sorry.

You know?

Don't these guys knock?

The guy's staying in the grand suite.
Could be a sultan, I'm not sure.

Anyway, that's why I called.

Let's make this bozo's night.
Read his future.

Tell him something good
and he'll extend his stay, guaranteed.

Look, like I said, I don't always know
when my psychic switch

is gonna be in the up position.

Look, I have the utmost confidence
in you, Phoebe, baby.

I don't know how you do it,
but keep it up

and you'll always have work here.

Excuse me, sir! You forgot you're...

You okay? What's the matter?

Nothing. I...

Nothing.

Still new to me.
I keep forgetting I'm...

- Those for me?
- Yeah. Stupid question:

- Do ghosts sleep?
- I don't even get cold anymore.

- Sorry.
- Oh, it's okay.

It's the thought that counts.

I guess it's finally sinking in.

What's really happened.

What I've lost.

No more sucking down a bucket
of oysters at the Wharf.

Playing pickup ball with friends.

Coming home and hearing
my mother's voice on the machine,

nagging because I haven't
married a nice Chinese girl.

Your mom means a lot to you, huh?

She's a great friend.

Was.

It was just me and her
after my father died.

Taught me everything I know.

Especially how to cook.

- Mom's a great cook.
- My Grams taught me how to cook.

- I loved it so much I became a chef.
- Really?

- Ever make a Peking duck?
- No. You?

It's a piece of cake.

Mom told me
I could've been a great chef,

if I hadn't sold out to the
molecular biology program at Stanford.

So you can make Peking duck
and clone DNA.

The duck's harder.

Well, I can talk about food
all night long.

Yeah? Well, I can
talk about it forever.

Oh, Mr Correy, thank goodness.
I need to talk to you.

- You do? Me?
- Yeah.

- Hey, you're that psychic, right?
- Yeah, right. Look...

- Is that how you knew my name?
- No. Yes.

Did you get the note
that I left for you?

That note warning me
not to go outside? That was you?

You get your jollies
out of trying to scare people?

Or is that how
you drum up business?

What? You don't understand...

Honey, where do you
want to eat break...?

- Hi.
- What's she doing here?

- She sent the note.
- It's not what you think.

Look here.
When I picked up your wallet...

- You stole my wallet?
- I didn't steal your wallet.

I don't know what you want, but just
stay away from us, you understand?

But he's going to die.

That didn't come out right.
Look, I can't tell you how I know this,

but I swear, if you go outside,
you're gonna get run over by a pink...

Wait, you don't have your briefcase.

That's good, that's really good. It
doesn't happen without your briefcase.

You leave us alone,
or I'm gonna call hotel security.

Hi.

You of all people should know
that bribery is a crime.

Apologizing isn't, is it?

Look, Prue, I'm sorry I didn't tell you
I was married before. I should have.

- I was going to.
- Really? When?

Before or after the door
to our adjoining rooms

- swung open this weekend?
- Okay, I deserve that.

I don't understand how you
couldn't have found the time to tell me.

Unless you really were
trying to hide it from me.

Come on, Prue,
you know me better than that.

- Do I?
- It was an innocent dinner, that's all.

I've got an ex-wife and I don't
hate her, is that so horrible?

No. No, it's not.

But not being honest
and telling me up front is.

Which I've already apologized for.

Why are you trying to turn this
into something it's not?

What's really bugging you, Prue?

Looks like I'm not the only one
trying to hide a secret.

Are you sure this is going to work?

If you speak her language,
she'll trust you.

Can I help you?

She asked if you know where I am.

- Wait, you don't?
- No. And I'm worried sick.

I haven't heard from him
since his birthday.

- The police haven't notified her yet?
- How's that possible?

- I mean, that he hasn't called yet?
- I don't know, it's not like him.

When did you last see him?

Well...

Piper, you have to tell her.

You have to tell her where
my body is so she can bury me.

I can't.

I can't remember
the last time, actually.

But if I see him or hear from him,
I'll let you know.

Thank you. Thank you.

You can't walk away, Piper.
You have to tell her.

Mom. No!

- What happened?
- She's got the house protected

against ghosts.

All the Chinese fairy tales
she told me growing up are true.

And I'm gonna burn in hell.

- Man trouble?
- I don't wanna talk about it.

By the way,
where were you last night?

- Something wrong?
- I don't wanna talk about it.

Okay.

You never clean, and you'll talk
about anything. What's up?

Nothing.

Phoebe.

Okay, I had a premonition.
A really bad one too.

I saw a guy getting run over
by a pink Cadillac.

- Pink Cadillac?
- I know it sounds ridiculous,

but it's true. I saw it,
and I don't know what to do about it.

Did you warn him?

Yeah, I tried.
He thought I was out of my mind.

Thought I was stalking him
or something.

How do you tell a complete stranger
that you know they're gonna die?

Where is he now?

The Hotel Neptune.

- And what were you doing there?
- I knew you were gonna ask that.

I wanted to get you
a really great birthday present

to make up for all those cards.

So I got a job at the hotel
as their lounge psychic.

Go ahead, yell at me.

Phoebe, you have to save him.
You can't let him out of your sight.

Don't worry,
I waited until he went to sleep,

and then I broke a key off
in his door to lock him in.

He's safe till morning.

Hey, wait. That's it?

You're not gonna get mad at me?

You were trying to do
something good.

And now you're gonna get to do
something wonderful.

I couldn't ask for a better
birthday present than that.

- You guys have to see this.
- They found my body.

Although police reported that the body
was burned beyond recognition...

It's finally over.

... personal effects found at the scene
preliminarily identify him

as Tony Wong,
head of the Chinatown Triads.

That can't be.
That's the guy who killed me.

Police sources say Wong,
who was a suspect in...

Wait, I see him.
Wong. He's still alive.

Of course he's still alive.
That's me they found.

Can you see where he is now?

I see a sign. Quick, give me a pen.

I don't understand why Wong
would wanna kill me.

- I never did anything to him.
- Yeah, but you look a lot like him.

Maybe he used you
to fake his own death.

What does that mean?

Wu Han lmports.
It's a warehouse over in Chinatown.

I don't know about this, Piper.
I think it's too dangerous.

It's your only chance.

Piper, listen to me.
You don't wanna go up there.

Those men pulled the trigger on me
without even thinking.

- They'll kill you.
- I can freeze things, remember?

- But there are three thugs in there.
- Keep talking.

- With guns.
- Even better.

Wait, wait, wait. He's got an amulet
on the door. I can't go in.

Never mind.

- Aren't you scared?
- Terrified.

Trust me, that's a good thing.

Okay. We gotta hurry.

Say, "cheese."

Run!

- Come on.
- Let's get her.

Move, move!

Okay, all set.

I snuck the photograph
into Andy's interoffice mail.

My afterlife's in the hands
of a cop named Andy.

He's an inspector
and he's very good, Mark.

After he sees Wong is alive,
he'll know exactly what to do.

Busts Wong maybe,
but that doesn't help me.

They won't have any way
of identifying the body as mine.

I put your name in with the picture.

Andy will get dental records
or something and match it up.

All we have to do is keep
Yama away from you until then.

- I don't know what to say.
- Don't say anything.

I made you a promise, didn't I?

As much as I like you,
I have no intention of joining you.

Talking to yourself, huh?

Andy. Hi.

Yeah, it's an old habit,
I do it all the time.

My mom used to call it
"interesting conversations

- with an interesting person."
- Yeah? Interesting.

Very.

Not that it's not a pleasure,
but what are you doing?

Oh, nothing, you know.
Just passing by.

- Prue tell you what's going on?
- No.

Well, yeah, I mean, sort of.
Kind of screwed up, huh?

- Any idea what I should do?
- That Andy.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah.

Just give her some space,
let her work it through.

Yeah, okay.

Thanks.

- Take care.
- You too.

What?

You're a really sweet person,
you know that?

No, I mean that.
I wanna take you somewhere.

There's something
I wanna do for you.

- Oh, Mr Correy...
- Stay away.

Please, you have got
to believe me.

You locked me in my room,
didn't you?

Just for your own protection.

What do you want? Money?
Is that what this is, a shakedown?

No, I'm trying to save your life,
for God's sakes. Listen to me.

You're crazy.

If you walk out that door,
you're a dead man!

- Call security.
- Mr Correy, don't do it!

Watch out!

Nick!

That'll be 20 dollars, tip not included.

This is your place?

- It's beautiful.
- Thanks.

Camus. I'm impressed.

Wish I had a chance to finish it.

Of course, I can say that
about almost everything, I guess.

"A loveless world is a dead world,

and always there comes an hour
when one is weary of prisons,

and all one craves for
is a warm face,

the warmth and wonder
of a loving heart."

- I like that part.
- Me too.

Listen, if your cop friend
comes through,

maybe I'll get a chance to ask
Camus himself how it turns out.

I want you to reach for something.

Go ahead, open it.

- What are they?
- My grandfather's recipes.

My dad translated them
when I was born.

They've been serving these
in my family's restaurant for decades.

They're yours.

But they belong in your family.

I want you to have them.
For everything you've done for me.

I just ask one favour.

Use them for your sister's
surprise birthday party.

- Prue doesn't want a party.
- Birthdays are important.

I know.

I walked out of my last one...

...and it never occurred to me
that I wouldn't get another.

She may not know it, but she needs
to celebrate her birthday.

You all do.

Don't take it for granted.

Prue? What are you doing?

- Just flicking through channels.
- You don't flick. You never flick.

Well, I flick now.

- Are you okay? You look...
- Awful? I know. But I feel fine.

- Did you warn that guy?
- I did better than that.

I saved that guy.

And it was great too.

I mean, I knew doing it
would be good for him,

but I had no idea what a rush it
would be for me. I felt so good.

And not just about myself,
but about everything.

That even in my own little way,
I can make a difference.

Can you believe it's me saying this?

What can I say?
It's been a week full of surprises.

Yeah, speaking of surprises,
what are you gonna do about Andy?

I don't know.

Andy kept something from me,

but the truth is
I keep something from him every day.

And it's not like I'll ever be able to tell
him our secret, so, what's the point?

We're the charmed ones, Prue,
not the doomed ones.

We have lives like everyone else.

Call him. Go see him.
Do something.

Give to get. That is the secret of life.

Not our powers.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

I was just thinking,
walking under the stars,

what's really up there?

- What's waiting for me?
- I don't know.

Maybe you can give me a hint
when you get there.

I don't want this night to ever end.

I'm not ready to say goodbye, Piper.

Close your eyes.

Pretend you can feel my hand
on your skin.

That my touch gives you comfort.

No.

Just close your eyes.

Where were you my whole life?

No. Piper!

No! Somebody help! Help!

- What's wrong? What happened?
- They took her.

- Wong's men took Piper.
- Do you know where they took her?

- I'm calling 911.
- No, do it from the car. Let's go.

- We've got to find her.
- Even if it takes all night.

First time I saw you,
I thought you were a ghost.

You know, these ropes are really tight.
If you could just untie my hands.

- Why did you kill Mark?
- I needed his identity.

Who else knows I'm alive?

I had plans.

I had a boat ready
to take me to Hong Kong.

I had a whole new life,
but you screwed it all up.

Thanks.

Quick, they have her upstairs.
Look out!

I'll take her. You shoot anyone
who comes through that door.

Look out!

Thanks, sis.

- Right back at you, sis.
- How long's this last again?

Not very.

Who are you people?

Police! Freeze!

I've never seen
anybody killed before.

- Jeremy.
- Javna.

I mean humans.

Come on, we need to get out of here
before Andy sees us.

Wong.

But you're dead.

Yeah, so are you.

Mark, I think you should
get out of here.

Make a wish, you bastard.

No!

No! You can't take him.

He's a good man.
He doesn't belong with you.

Let us remember,
though we gather in sorrow,

we are here to celebrate
the joy of Mark's life.

And the redemption
of his spiritual journey.

All those stories.

All those legends you taught me.
They saved my soul, Mom.

You were right.

Take it from me, Prue.

Don't miss your birthday,
not any of them.

They're precious.

I won't.

I wish...

I know. Me too.

I'm gonna miss you, Piper.

Who's that man?

That's my dad.

I guess this really is goodbye.

Leave it to me to fall for a dead guy.

It's an improvement.

- At least he wasn't a warlock.
- Yeah.

You know what?
I've changed my mind.

Maybe we should
have a party, after all.

Are you serious?

Yeah, why not?
I mean, Mark is right.

Well, Prue,
I'm glad you said that, because...

Surprise!

- Did I get you? I got you.
- Yeah, you got me.

And an actual present too.
And it's paid for.

- I hope you like it.
- I'm speechless.

- Thank you.
- Happy birthday.