Charlie's Angels (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 21 - Angels at Sea - full transcript

The Angels & Bosley work together on a case involving a series of supposed accidental deaths taking place aboard a luxury cruise ship, & when they discover who is responsible for the deaths, the situation becomes explosive.

Once upon a time,

there were three little girls
who went to the police academy.

And they were each assigned
very hazardous duties.

But I took them away
from all that,

and now they work for me.
My name is Charlie.




Well, what kind of people are
the victims, Mr. Strauss?

Just people, Bosley.

No big-shots,
no super-rich people.

Just ordinary people.

This thing has happened
to every ship I've sent out

during the last six months.

Open steam valves.

Stairways collapsing.

Somebody disappearing
from aboard.

At least two incidents
on every voyage.

And you have no idea
who could be responsible?

An enemy maybe,
or a competitor?

No, no one.

Every nickel I have
is in this company.

My company has a public image
of being jinxed,

so I have no passengers.

Without passengers, I'm ruined.

Is the insurance company going
to send an investigator

with your ship
that sails on Thursday?

No. But they did approve sending
for private investigators.

That is if I can talk you people
into sailing on a jinxed ship.

CHARLIE: There's a significant
difference between this

and all the other high-risk
cases you've been on.

The other times,
you could walk, run or crawl

to the nearest exit,
but not this time.

Not even Angels can walk home

from the middle
of the Pacific Ocean.

So, it's your decision.

Well, Charlie, none of us has
ever been on an ocean cruise.

So, if we're going to take
a vote, I say we take the case.

How about you, Bree?


Okay, I vote yes.


I vote yes.

If anybody is interested,
I vote yes also.

All right, Angels.

Then I suggest
you start packing.

I'll get
the insurance company reports.

Bosley, you check
the shipping company's logs,

see what you can find
by way of suspects.


Now after I've done that,
Charlie what then?

I don't think
I'm following you, Bosley.

I mean, when the ship sails
do I wave goodbye

from the dock or the deck?

Well, now I hadn't
thought about that.

Charlie, I think somebody should
stay here to watch the store.

You know, first class

and delicious food, that doesn't
really interest you Bosley.

Jill's right, Charlie.

I don't think it'd be fair
to make Bosley go with us.

Why don't you vote on it?

I think we already have.

Well, not officially.
How do you vote, Bosley?

I am already outvoted.


I vote yes.
I vote yes.

I vote yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, I stay here,
or yes, I go along?

Charlie, I think I'm going.

I'm not surprised, Bosley.

Oh, my God!

What's that, Bosley?

We have a visitor.

A visitor? Someone I know?

I don't think so,
he's deaf, dumb, and blind.

Somebody pinned a mannequin
to the door, Charlie.

With a note.

It says, do not sail
on the Belle Helene.

It's written in block letters
with a felt tip pen.

Well, that tells us one thing.

KELLY: Yeah that the murderer knows who we are,

where to find us,

and that we're working
on this case.

All right,

let's find out
who our suspects are:

passengers, crew members,
anybody who was on board

through all
those deadly voyages.

Now according to the insurance

investigators' reports, Cooper,
the chief engineer

doesn't think there
is a killer. Suspects nobody.

Jerian Mayer.

She sings.

JILL: She's terrified,
but won't quit her job

because she needs the money.

She suspects Cooper
is the villain

because he knows
the ship so well.

CHARLIE: Next, I've got
Tom Lavin, ship's purser.

KELLY: He says he suspects
Jerian, the girl singer,

because she's
the least likely suspect.

And last is Harry Dana.

fortune teller and comedian.

SABRINA: He's told everybody and
anybody who will listen to him

that he knows who
the killer is. He's seen him.

Not with his eyes, in his mind.

He claims to have
clairvoyant powers.

The killer, according to Harry,
is six feet two,

weighs 190 pounds,
has blue eyes,

brown hair and a rugged chin.

Mm. Heaven!

Bon voyage, Angels.


Welcome aboard the Belle Helene.
I'm Tod Lavin, your purser.

If you have any questions or
problems, do bring them to me.

You'll find that your luggage
has been placed in your cabins.

Check it to make sure that

nothing has been misplaced
or misrouted.

How soon do we sail?

Within the hour.

Um, where is everybody?

Well, the crew is making ready
to get underway

and the passengers are
in their cabins, I expect.

If you'll follow the stewards,

they will show you to your

Thank you very much.

Once we're underway, the Captain
invites you to join him

for pre-dinner cocktails
or champagne in the salon.

Tell the Captain
thank you very much, we accept.

Thank you.
Thank you.


Hello, Charlie.

We're all aboard.

Fine. Hold on
while I call the Angels.


Hi, Charlie.


Hi, Charlie. It's Jill.

Hi, Charlie.

All right, team,
we're all on the line now.

How do you like
your ocean cruise so far?

Oh, fun. If you call getting
a threatening note

from the killer
while you're still tied

to the dock having fun.

I got one too.
It was in my suitcase.

Yeah, me too.

Mine was pinned to a lifejacket.

What do they say?

Mine says,

"Leave the ship now or learn
to be a long distance swimmer.

The life you save
will be your own."

Listen to this:

"Hi there, cutie.

"Among your planned shipboard
activities are screaming,

"pain and two depressing

Won't that be fun?"

End of quote.


Oh, mine's brief
and to the point.

It reads,
"Bon voyage. You're dead."


Says, uh,

"I love you. I'll prove it. You
won't like it. I don't care."

I don't think
there's much question

but that you're dealing
with someone

who's mentally deranged.

Well, deranged or not, nobody's
going to ruin my first cruise.

Mine either.

Just be careful, Angels.

There's no way to tell which
way this killer will move.


I don't care what anybody says
about a jinxed company.

Me and Mrs. Gow sailed on the
old Belle Helene 50 years ago,

more, huh?

It was on our honeymoon.

Of course we didn't have
champagne with the Captain

before supper that trip.

Appreciate it, Captain,
thank you.

Anyhow we was coming on this
anniversary cruise,

come hell or high water.

I do kind of feel strange,
being on a big boat

like this with no more
than us few on it.

Well, Mr. Gow., Mrs. Gow.,
and to all of you,

I promise the only difference
between this cruise

and any other, will be the lack
of fellow passengers.

The service will be better.

And the food, drinks and
entertainment as good

or better than you've ever known
on shipboard before.

Here, here.

Would you propose our first
toast, Captain?


To our esteemed
and heroic passengers.

May I propose a toast, Captain?

Of course, Mr. Armetage.

To three beautiful women who,
like angels,

by their presence,
turned what might have been

a desolate cruise
into an adventure in paradise.

Thank you.

My guess is he's the murderer.

How else would he know
that Charlie called us Angels?

Well, it could have
just been a coincidence.

He was trying to come on
to all three of us.

He needed a collective noun.

No way.

Or is "angels" a pronoun?

Any time I'm stuck I call
everything an adverbial phrase.

Yup, it's an adverbial phrase.

But first, "angels" is a noun,
and, second,

unless all the circumstances
were caused

by different hired killers,

there is no way that Armetage
can be a suspect.

I don't know.

He fits the Adonis description
Harry Dana, the clairvoyant,

gave of the murderer.

You know,
there could be several killers

rather than just one, Bosley.

That would make everybody
who worked or sailed

on any of the cruises a suspect

rather than just the four
who sailed on all of them.

Which means we have
to watch everybody.

Oh, I love working
to a full house.


Boy, you people are terrific.

Well, as some
of you people may know

I have powers that enable me
to read minds.

To see into the future,
to see things

that have happened in the past
that I didn't even know about.

My name is Count Dracula.

Wait a minute,
I'm getting a name.

Uh, uh, Sally Hooper.

That mean anything
to anybody here? Sally Hooper?

Hey that's
our youngest daughter.

Her husband is
in the automobile business?


Well, mostly trucks.

Did you people know
she's expecting a baby?

That's right.

She's about three months along
now, it's going to be a boy.

Be the first boy in the family

since my brother
if you're right.

Oh, I am.

And he's going to have brown
eyes, just like his poppy.

Isn't that a mind blower?

Oh, it sure is. Nice of you
to feel that way there, pilgrim.

And what about
the rest of you pilgrims?

What else is going on out there?

Hey, wait a minute.

Somebody is thinking about me.

They're wondering
if a description

I gave of a certain person
is a Mr. Armetage.

Well, whoever you are,
I can't say yes can't say no.

It might be.

And, whoever you are,
say hello to Charlie.

And now ladies and gentlemen,
it's my great pleasure to--

No, Jill, it's not there, Jill.

You're looking
for your lipstick.

It's not in your purse.

It's in somebody's pocket.

It's in Bosley's pocket.

Would you check that, please?


Thank you. I'd forgotten
I'd given it to him.


Thank you.

It's our policy to entertain

and now that you all have been

it's time for you
to be enchanted.

And here to enchant you
and charm you

is the lovely, vivacious,
Miss Jerian Mayer.



? You are the sunshine
Of my life ?

? That's while I'll
Always be around ?

? You are the
Apple of my eye ?

? Forever you'll stay
In my heart ?

? I feel like this is
The beginning ?

? Though I've loved you
For a million years ?

We've got the fire
under control, Captain.

It's a dummy.

Thank God.

Whose cabin is this, Tod?

Sabrina Duncan's, sir.

Smells like a chemical fire.

I didn't mind losing anything
except that new bikini.

It's the first one I ever had

that didn't feel like it was
going to fall off

at the wrong time.

Oh Bree, did you lock your door
when you left?

I'm sure I did.

The killer must have keys
to all our rooms.

Yeah, probably a master key.

Was your revolver in your cabin?

No, I had it with me.

We should keep
our guns with us now

that the killer's started
to play his game.

Listen, I've been thinking.

If the killer is going
to start setting fires,

we're really playing
into his hand

by having our rooms
in a cluster.

I mean, we're all in one place.

he could take one easy move,
check on all of us,

then go up to another deck
or even another passage,

and start a fire, be long gone
before we ever find out

about it and get there.


We have our own set
of master keys.

We could spread out
all over the ship.

Well, that way he wouldn't
know where we were.

It might slow him down.

I don't know if it's a good
thing to slow him down.

I mean you can't see a snake
when it's not moving.

But we ought to cover as much
of the ship as we can.

I'll stay on the top deck.

I'll take third class.

I'll take second.

I guess I'm stuck
with first class.

Poor baby.

Listen, drop me a line
when you can, will you please?

I live for your letters.

Man overboard!

Man overboard!

Man overboard!

Engines. All stop.

All engines stop.

Man in the Crow's Nest!

Is it Bosley?

Look out!

It's a dummy.

What's going on?

He doesn't have any clothes on!


Don't laugh at him.

Now look, I have
been thumped on the head.

I have been stripped
to the buff.

I have been embarrassed
beyond words.

Do I have to sit here
and wait for you three

to decide that the time is right
to make your jokes and laugh?

We're not going
to laugh at you, Bosley.

And we're not going to make
jokes either.

Jerian did want to know
if you were married though.

Oh, come on.

I'm sorry, Bosley.
I couldn't resist.

Well, let's get down
to business.


You're right, Bos. Okay,
okay, let's talk about Jerian.

Now she could
have taken something

and hit you over the head.

But the question is,

is she strong enough to have
dragged you up onto the deck

and could she have done
what was done to you.

Oh, look!

Wait a minute, I was not
criminally assaulted you know.

Somebody just stole my pajamas.

Nothing else.

We are forgetting something
very important.


The man overboard warning
that was sounded

just before Bosley
got hit on the head.

Now suppose this whole thing
was just a set-up

to take
our attention away.

Yeah. Think about it.

Who checked to see if anybody
else was missing?

No one.

It's an elaborate scheme,
but it could be.

Look I'm going
to have the Captain

check the passengers and crew.

The line's dead.

Well maybe that's because
of the fire in Bree's cabin.

Yeah, or another stunt
perpetrated by the murderer.

Well, whatever it is,
the Captain's

going to have to make sure
nobody's missing.

I'll go see him now.

Okay, I'm going to check out
the dead telephone.

That is unless you need me
to hold your hand, Bosley.

I don't need that.

Take care of the baby.
Don't egg him on. Go on.

Go on. Oh boy.

"Here stands Fred Couper,
former chief engineer.

"He is a gift.

"Now you have one less suspect.

You're welcome."

Due to the present

I have no other choice but
to turn the responsibility

for your safety over
to Mr. Bosley,

who, for your information,
is a private investigator

hired by the owner
of the ship. Mr. Bosley.

Thank you, Captain.

As you all know by now,
two lives have been taken

during this voyage.

The chief engineer and one
of my associates, Kelly Garrett.

Up to this time,
there was no clue

to the killer's identity.

But now we have the means

of positively identifying
the murderer.

When the steam valve
was turned on,

two clear fingerprints
were left on the metal.

No, we don't have the equipment
to remove those prints,

but we can easily
compare them to the samples

and that way,
identify the killer.

Now with Captain's permission,
we have called you all here

together to ask for samples
of your fingerprints.

Now, we cannot compel you
to give them to us,

but because the danger
is so clear,

we will be forced to lock anyone
who refuses in their cabin,

until we reach port
which at that time,

the police will
take those fingerprints

and make the comparisons.

When you have given
us your fingerprints,

please go to your cabins
and remain there

until you are notified.

Do not, for any reason,
go into the passage

where the steam valve
is located.

All right, we'll try
to do this as quickly as we can.

Well, that's
the last of them.

Now we see
what happens.


Jill, someone's coming.

It worked.

Hold it!

Hold it!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Kelly! Kelly,
are you all right?

Come on, come on.
Let's go.

Okay, Jill come with me.

Water, water,
water, water everywhere

but not
a drop to drink.

Watch your step ladies this boat
is about to sink.

That's not a bad
Rex Harrison, huh.

Well, you got me,

but that's not going to keep
this boat from blowing up.

Hey, Kirk, do you know why

they're asking me all these
questions, Kirk?

No, Burt, what are they asking
you all the questions for?

Because, Kirk,
they want me to tell them

about the bombs
I got planted on this boat.

Ah, but I swear to you
I'm not going to tell them

about the bombs, Kirk.

Harry, you know
if the ship blows,

you'll go with it.

Ah! Did you hear that, Kirk?

If this ship blows up,
we go with it.

Then we better check out
of our rooms tonight.

Oh, no, not me.
Why not?

My rent's paid until tomorrow.

I've been dead,
lady for two years already.

You don't look dead, Harry.

You don't sound dead, either.

If I don't look dead,
and I don't sound dead

I must be the living dead.

Won't you come with me, I
promise to make you well again.


Doesn't it bother you?

Killing all these
innocent people?

Innocent, innocent, what are you
talking about innocent.

There's no such thing
as innocence.

No innocent people today.
Not anymore.

You understand what
I'm telling you? Ten-four.

And you won't tell us
why you're doing it?


Why? How can you ask why?

You're a soldier, this is war,
I'm your general.

There's no time for why.

What's done is done,
and once we've all perished

in that moment of flame,

we have not time
to ask ourselves why.

It's gone, finished,

ended like the morning mist
in the searing and angry sun.



That must be my wake-up call.

I'll be right there.

That's funny.

Shouldn't you tell us when this
explosion is going to be?

I mean, that way we can sweat,
and worry about it

and suffer
a little more for you.

I'm not a sadist.

Now granted, I had you people
sweating a little,

but that's, that's to keep you
running around in circles

long enough for me to--

Almost got me to say something,
didn't you?

Well, I'll tell you what,
you're the detectives

and you really should have some
kind of clue to work with.

Well, we'd appreciate
any little thing, Harry.

Bop, bop, bop, bop, well now.

Pray tell what's a big beautiful
blue-eyed blonde like you

doing on a big beautiful
boat like this.

Got to look out now.

Big beautiful boat's got three
big beautiful bombs on it.

Going to go boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom.

Okay, if these bombs
are so intricate

that just by somebody touching
them it's going to set them off,

why don't you tell us
where they are?



Because Ma's dead.

Ma's dead.

And besides somebody has
to answer the door.


You don't believe--

You don't believe me
that I know things do you?

You found one of my bombs!
Right, Captain?

Yes, I did, Harry.

Yeah you found the one
that's in the forward hull,

is that right?
That's right.

Yeah, well, all right
let's really hear it

for the terrific
mind reader here.

It's a great display of talent.

All right, come on.

Okay, Harry how did you know
that he found the bomb,

how did you know where it was?

Because I have the power
to read minds!

I can see things
that happen in the future!

And so saying, he sat back
and they were all amazed.

He sat back and watched the dumb
looks on all their faces

and he was amused.

Are you really insane or do you
just want us to think you are?

Let me put it this way,
Nurse Ratched.

If you ask me, you're the one

that's a little bit
crazy around here.

That's right. You're the one
that's lost touch with reality.

The one that can't function
on a societal level.

In fact I had a discussion
about that very thing last night

with my bunk mate Napoleon.

That's right, what you see
here isn't insanity.

It's just an occasional outburst
of anger, that's all.

What makes you so angry?

What makes me angry?

It's 4:30.
What time have you got?

It's 4:30.


All right, I'm ready.

Suppose you tell me why
and I'll tell you anything now

that I wouldn't tell
you a few minutes ago.

At exactly 4:28

we passed
the point of no return.

The halfway point.

Miles from nowhere.

If the Coast Guard was
to send jet planes out to us

they'd never get here in time.

Where are the other bombs,

How many are there?

First, I'm going
to tell you about

something you don't really care
to know about.

But I care, so I'm going
to tell it anyway.

Tell us, Harry.

Once upon a time,

I was in an automobile accident

and that was the...

greatest thing that ever
happened to me.

Me, Harry Dana, comic, because,

because when I woke up
in the hospital,

now whether
you believe this or not,

I suddenly had the power
to read minds.

I could see into the future.

I could see things
that happened in the past

that I didn't even know about.

Well, I went to a certain
Mr. John Strauss,

my employer, the owner
of this shipping line.

I told him about it
and he laughed and uh,

and I told him
I wasn't joking.

I asked him to set up
a foundation so I could

get monies to develop

And he said that
he didn't have the money.

He said that he was willing

to let me out of my contract
anytime I wanted.

A hypocrite.

I didn't realize
what he'd done to me.

Well, it didn't seem that
important but, as time went on,

I saw some people at banks
and foundations

and they all refused

to help me out.

They refused to help me
with this work.

And then it started
to dawn on me.

One after another, "No, no, no."

It had to be because of Strauss.

He didn't-- They were friends
of his and he--

He didn't want them to help me.

He wanted to keep me.

Sure, pop comedian
Harry Dana on his boat.

He wasn't about to let me alone.

He killed me then and he left
part of me alive to know it.

Now I'm doing the--

The same thing to him.

Where are the bombs, Harry?

Well, my little chickadee.

The first bomb is
in the forward hold.

Where the good Captain found it.

Where are the other bombs?

Oh, the second bomb, Jill,
you'll find amidships.

In the small fan room.
That's right.

And the third bomb--

Don't tell them, Harry,
where the third bomb is.

What's the difference.

It's too late for them
to do anything about it anyway.

The third bomb is
in the antipasto.

It's not really
in the antipasto,

but I do
so enjoy saying


The third and final bomb,

my children, is hidden
inside the big, black bird.

The Maltese Falcon,
my prized possession.

And as you've probably

the bird is hidden
in the back boiler room

against the boiler.

Run my children, run.

Man the lifeboats.

This boat is going
to blow to smithereens!

Forever, me and my bird!

Set a guard outside
Mr. Bosley's cabin,

then assemble all
the passengers and crew

on deck and have them stand
by the lifeboats, Mr. Lavin.

The bombs are due to explode
in the next half hour.

Captain, there are no lifeboats.

The bungs have been pulled

and the rubber rafts
have been slashed.

You keep that to yourself,
but make sure that everyone

has a life jacket
in the event

that we have
to go over the side.

Yes, sir.

Well, we've located
the three bombs

and the Angels
are babysitting.

Good. I've got a relay set up

with Marsh and the bomb squad.

We can talk to you.
You relay to the Angels.

Are you sure
there's no one on board

with bomb disposal experience,

The Captain says no.

the basic work the Angels
did at the Police Academy

makes them the closest thing

to bomb experts
we have on board.

I hate to butt in,

but we're wasting one hell
of a lot of time,

particularly since we don't know
how much we've got.

Has the ship stopped?

Already done.

Okay. Ask them to describe
the bomb, Bosley.

Hello, Angels.

Marsh needs a description
of the bomb.

The timing mechanism is blind.

It's in a small metal box

with four screws
holding the lid down.

There's a yellow light
and a red light.

The yellow light's on.

There are seven
protruding wires,

color-keyed, red,
green, yellow,

green and white striped, black,

blue and white striped
and white.

The timing mechanism sits on top
of a bundle of dynamite.

It's fastened down
with electrician's tape

and it sits on a leveling base
that looks like modeling clay.

Your nut knows what he's doing.

All right.

Somebody tell me how the wires
go to the dynamite.

do they pass
through the modeling clay?

No. They go around it
and they disappear underneath.

All the wires or just some?

All of them.

The odds are some
of them are decoys.

All right now, put your hand
gently on the metal box

over the timing mechanism.

Now only one of you do that.

Okay, I will.

All right. Easy.

Now just barely touch it.

Then tell me about it.

Is it warm?

A little warm and there's
a slight vibration.

Is the vibration metric?

Like a clock?


it's steady but it doesn't feel
like a clock.

The sensation is, uh,
is more like. What, uh--

Like a tuning fork looks,
you know what I mean?

Close enough.

All right.

Now take your hand off the bomb,

Jill, one at a time,

touch the wires but don't make
any contact with the metal box.

Then tell me about it.


The red wire.

There's no vibration.

The green
and white striped wire,

no vibration,

but it's warm.

The black wire,


no vibration.

The white wire,

slight vibration,

warm-- Slightly warm.

The green wire,

no vibration.

Cool. No, no wait.

It's warm.

The blue and white striped,


yes, there's
a slight vibration.

Cool. No heat.



No vibration.

I'll lay you 50 to one
the guy who built this bomb

is color-blind.

According to his
personnel file, he is.

How did you know that?

He keyed on the white wire.

Now who hasn't
been the guinea pig yet?

You, Kelly?

My turn.

You get to lift the timing box.

Lift it slow and easy.

The instant you feel any kind
of tension, stop.

Then tell me how high
above the cradle the box is.

Got it?

Got it.

An inch.

Maybe a little less.

Call it an inch.

Ease it back down.

Then tell me when
it's back in place.

It's down.

All right.
Now, there are four moves.

The first three are no problem,

because it doesn't
make any difference

whether I'm right or wrong.

The last one, if I'm right
it's dangerous.

If I'm wrong, it's a disaster.

First, snip the blue
and white wire

but make sure the tool
you are using

isn't touching anything else,

then clear it
in both directions.




Now do the same thing
to the red wire

and then the yellow wire.

In that order,

same precautions.

The red light just went on.

No problem.




All right.
Now comes the juicy one.

If you've got what I think
you've got,

there are only two

When you snip the white wire,
the thing goes boom.

If it doesn't go boom,

you've got somewhere between 10
seconds and one minute

to get rid of it!

What I'm saying is,
no matter what,

that thing is going to blow,

so before you snip
the white wire,

get hold of the whole works,

and make damn sure you have
a path clear to the rail.

Well are we clear to the rail,


The passengers and crew are
amidships on the starboard side.

There's nothing
in your way to the port side.

Hey, uh....

Look, um....

Let's all do it
at the same time.

That way, if we go, you know,
we'll all go together.

I'm ready.

I guess I'm as ready
as I'll ever be.

Shall we go on three?




Charlie, we'd like to take
the plane back

but if we take Harry ashore,
we'll have the legal hassle

of deportation to deal with.

And that won't really do what we
were hired by Mr. Strauss to do.

But more important, Charlie,

if we don't come back by boat,
we may not come back at all.

All right, Angels.

You can stay.

But I must warn you,

an ocean voyage
can get very boring

unless you have some
sort of activity.

Oh, don't you worry about that,

We have an activity planned.

In fact it's one
of the best loved by man.

I'm not following you, Angels.

Think about it, Charlie.

Just think about it.

Bye, Charlie.

Thank you.

We'll be gentle.